A self-compassion letter is a short letter to yourself about something you struggle with, written in the voice of someone who loves and accepts you. It draws on psychologist Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion, and UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center shares it as a 5 to 15 minute practice. Here are the steps, prompts and an example.
Most of us are harder on ourselves than on anyone else. Greater Good puts it simply: we often judge ourselves more harshly than we judge others, and that can leave us feeling isolated, unhappy and more stressed. A self-compassion letter is a deliberate break from that habit. You pick one thing you're hard on yourself about, and you write to yourself the way a kind friend would.
According to Neff, self-compassion has three parts, and the letter tries to include all of them:
Mindfulness. Noticing what you feel, without judging it as good or bad.
Common humanity. Remembering that everyone struggles, so this doesn't make you abnormal.
Self-kindness. Speaking to yourself with warmth instead of criticism.
Greater Good summarizes several studies. In one, by Shapira and Mongrain (2010), people who wrote a self-compassionate letter every day for a week reported fewer symptoms of depression and greater happiness three months later, and the boost in happiness was still there at six months. In another, by Breines and Chen (2012), students who wrote a compassionate paragraph about a personal weakness reported more self-compassion and more motivation to improve than students who focused on boosting their self-esteem, distracted themselves or did nothing in particular.
It isn't a guaranteed fix. Greater Good also describes a study of college students in Hong Kong who had fewer physical symptoms after writing these letters, but reported more negative emotion and no improvement in depression. Think of the letter as a kind habit worth trying, not a treatment.
Choose one thing. Pick something about yourself that makes you feel mildly ashamed, insecure or not good enough. Greater Good mentions personality, behavior, abilities and relationships. Start with something mild, not your deepest wound.
Notice how it feels. Sad? Embarrassed? Angry? Name the feeling in a sentence.
Imagine someone who loves you unconditionally. What would they say about this part of you? Or what would you say to a friend in your position?
Remember you're not the only one. Everyone has things they don't like about themselves, and lots of people struggle with this exact thing.
Consider what shaped it. Greater Good suggests thinking about how life events, the family you grew up in, or even your genes may have played a part.
Ask gently about change. Is there something you could do to improve or cope better? Focus on how a change could help you feel happier, healthier or more fulfilled, not on punishing yourself.
Put it away, then reread it. Set the letter aside for a while. Read it again later, especially when you're feeling bad about this part of yourself.
Greater Good suggests trying it daily for a week to start, then once a week or at least once a month. Each letter can take 5 to 15 minutes.
The thing I keep criticizing myself for is...
When I think about it, I feel...
The harsh voice in my head usually says...
What I'm most afraid this says about me is...
If my best friend told me this, I would say...
What someone who loves me would notice first is...
Given everything I was dealing with, it makes sense that...
What I needed in that moment was...
Other people who struggle with this probably feel...
Something I have in common with everyone else is...
The circumstances that shaped this were...
One small thing that might help next time is...
If I changed this, I hope I would feel...
What I want to remember the next time I slip is...
This is an example letter, written for a made-up person. Yours should sound like you and be about your own situation.
Dear Jordan,
You missed the deadline on Friday, and you've spent all weekend calling yourself lazy. I want to say something about that. You weren't lazy. You were covering for a coworker, helping your mom move and sleeping about five hours a night. Anyone would have fallen behind.
You're not the only person who has dropped the ball at work. Almost everyone has. It doesn't mean you're bad at your job. It means you're a person with limits.
Next time, it might help to tell your manager sooner when things pile up. Not because you failed, but because you deserve a workload you can actually carry.
I'm proud of how much you care. Please be as patient with yourself as you are with everyone else.
With love, me
Write in the second person. "You did your best" can be easier to believe than "I did my best."
Borrow a voice. Write as a grandparent, a coach or a friend who always gets you.
Try a five-minute version. Greater Good's Self-Compassion Break uses three phrases: "This is a moment of suffering," "Suffering is a part of life" and "May I be kind to myself." Write them down, then add a sentence or two after each.
Keep a line you can say out loud. A sentence from your letter can become a personal affirmation. Here's how to write your own affirmations.
If self-criticism feels constant or overwhelming, you don't have to handle it alone. Consider talking with a doctor or a mental health professional. If you're in the US and in crisis or emotional distress, you can call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It's free, confidential and available 24/7.
It's a writing practice where you write to yourself about something you struggle with, using the warm voice of someone who loves and accepts you. Greater Good in Action, from UC Berkeley, describes it step by step.
Short is fine. Five to 15 minutes of writing is enough, and half a page can say a lot.
Not according to the research Greater Good describes. The letter includes asking how you could improve, and one study found self-compassionate writing led to more motivation to improve, not less.
Yes. The same steps work for an old mistake or a younger version of you. This guide to writing a letter to your younger self uses a similar approach.
Dear You: Daily Letters can hold the "put it away, then reread it" step: you can seal a future letter for anywhere from a week up to five years, and it opens in the app on its scheduled date. Its daily letter comes from six moods, such as encouragement and calm, and ends with a small step and a question you can answer in a private write-back reply. It describes itself as a reflection and writing app, not a mental-health service, and your letters stay on your iPhone.
Get Dear You free on the App Store