Satire

A Final Solution

Sexual assault is a travesty that is found everywhere in this world. In the past few months alone hundreds upon thousands of women have come forward with accusations of sexual assault against men. For years, many have proposed ludicrous amounts of ideas to stop these crimes from occurring. One may say we should teach women to defend themselves, but others protest saying that the frail, fragile women could never stand a chance against a brutish man. Another might suggest we should teach the men that strict consent is the only way to go about approaching a woman, but still some claim that the barbarian creature that a man is could never be taught to control his primal instincts. People have created anti-rape undergarments to protect women. One woman even created nail polish that is not only fashionable (and totally in right now) it can detect date-rape drugs when dipped into your caramel apple martini. Despite all of the efforts made to control this problem, all has failed and sexual assault still happens everyday. So what do we do?

Our solution is simple. Since men have shown themselves to be useless savages whose only priority is to attack and demean the female gender, why not get rid of them entirely? Why yes, we are suggesting killing off men as a whole. But is it so wild of a suggestion? If they cannot handle themselves around a woman’s bare shoulder or a single bra strap not covered by fabric how can they function in our society? Time and time again men have shown themselves to be prone to assaulting women when given the chance. If you are a woman, even falling asleep in the mere presence of a man can be a scary endeavor. Why, look at Brock Turner, the rapist, savage twenty-two year old hormone controlled athlete who assaulted a unconscious woman behind a dumpster in 2015. His actions were not only egregious, but the male judge sentenced Turner to a measly six months when the rapist’s father wrote a letter to the court pleading them to be lenient on his son, who stated that his son’s life was being ruined “...for 20 minutes of action…”. This quote, directly from the father’s letter, shows that not only are these men savages, but that they are savages that are learning to work together.

Men need to be punished. They have gone too long being able to live freely abiding to the statement “boys will be boys”. Men, for all of history has been the root of many of our problems. War, Weapons, Politics, and an innumerable amount of other such horrid behaviours have been the cause of men. This is even more prevalent with Harvey Weinstein’s allegations. For those who are unaware of who Harvey Weinstein is, he is a famous, MALE, director who has been accused of sexual misconduct. Weinstein is not the only male celebrity to be accused of such horrible behaviour, but Charlie Sheen, Ed Westwick, Louis C.K., the man you see at the grocery store on Sundays and many more . All of these people have something in common, and it is that they are all men.All men have proven themselves to be beasts. While steps are being taken to put an end to these vile acts, it is believed further ones should be taken to completely eradicate this disgusting behaviour towards women and make the world into a safer place. And we have the perfect plan to do so. The first step would be to round up all men and kill around 90.5%, only keeping the most healthy, attractive, and fertile of men.The fertility test will be conducted in labs, which determine whether or not a man has “strong swimmers”. These tests are already possible with modern medicine. Now while this step will be the most time consuming of them all but is needed ensure the continuation of the species to live in the “new world”.

1. We will create so called “man farms”, or places to house the remaining men and keep them separated from women. This will not only keep the human race alive but keep the delicate women safe from these animals.
2. We will ensure that these men are only the best and most civilized savages and exterminate the remaining population in the most humane way possible.
3. Then these men who live in the farming facilities will be used to provide fertilization in the form of gametes for the female population who desire to have offspring.

Now, we understand your hesitation, if you have any. Although, how could anyone have any objections to such a genius solution. But we will address any questions you may have. How will the economy fair? Greatly, we ensure you. There will no longer be a wage gap or workplace inequality as there will only be women in the workforce and millions of jobs will have freed up from the absence of these animals. And, another bonus - the problem of overpopulation will be entirely solved. Some may ask, “But what about hard, trying, manual labor? Surely the fragile women could not handle such intense work.” And that person would be right. But the solution would be simple. We either train women for these jobs or, if it is absolutely called for, we can use some of the more undesirable male breeders for the work. However, once technology is more advanced all these jobs can be mechanized so that the gentle women will not have to endure such taxing endeavors nor will the brutes be let out of their secure confinements.

Of course change is often challenged, such as that of the movement of the Civil Rights Movement and that of the Women’s Rights Movement. Each of these did not come without bulwarks, enemies to these ideas. Like all of these ideas many of them will be seen as common ground or a social norm. Women and other such minorities were given rights to make them stand on equal ground. Now, in our current society, it is unfathomable to see a world without rights for these people. An argument that is made, especially by those of the male sex will say:

“Wait! I am no savage nor a sex offender, I would never hurt a woman.” And to that we would say, you sir are not only a savage but a liar, your primal compulsions are simply far too strong for you to even fathom how they control and manipulate you. All men are beasts and none can be trusted! Rape will almost certainly still occur society, but this time it will be only among men. Of course, any group will have its sympathizers, those who are willing to protect people, who most likely are in the wrong. These sympathizers might say that “What about the men’s feelings and lives, do they not have a say in all this?” To this question we concluded two things:

Firstly, do cows have a say in whether they become a sirloin steak? This is akin to how for the majority of human history, women had no choice or say when it comes to their lives. Women were, essentially were and treated as property. Women were “sold off” to their husbands, the pay being some sort of dowry. This is explicitly the exchange of property, This plan is merely returning the favor for the millenia of unequal treatment. Secondly, should beasts who cannot control their urges and only think about violence or sex have a say in their own fate or actions? We argue not since when given a choice all men do is harm and make women feel unsafe. Nonetheless, the men in captivity will be happy and well cared for. Furthermore, their entire lives will revolve around repopulation like they so clearly are solely motivated by, why would they not be happy?

There are many benefits that we have yet to mention. For example, the creation of these farms would create jobs, just adding to the influx of jobs that will be experienced when the foul men are gone. Furthermore, since accidental pregnancies will be a thing of the past, the amount of children entering the adoption system will go down significantly. Women will be able to adopt those children who are still in the system (as to stay as detached from the men as possible) and hundreds of thousands of children will finally find safe loving homes. Another clear benefit is that since men make up over eighty percent of our prison population, killing them off would save millions of dollars in taxpayer money. Without men the economy would boom, overpopulation would become a concern of the past and women would no longer have to make sandwiches for the incapable male population.

A world, a world without men, is truly a utopia. A Utopia in which society is freed from its shackles of inequality. Shackles that have been placed there by a patriarchy, the oppressors of society. Women free from these shackles are freed from the fear of possibly being raped and society itself, freed from the limits of which one can work under such inhumane conditions. Society now advance faster than ever before. Gender equality will be a thing of the past. Double standards among women will no longer be a concern and cease to exist as the only standard will be women. Rapes will cease to exist! Crime in general will greatly diminish and prisons may no longer be draining taxpayers dollars. It truly will be a Utopia.

“Men hold high positions because they are willing to work harder” is what many would who defend men and their high positions. To this, we say who taught these men the knowledge that they know? Who taught these men to be ambitious? Who encourage these men to get high goals? The answer is teachers! Teachers play an important role in a young student's life, and guess what! Women are the majority of teachers and almost always make up at least half of all teachers in a given country . It is women who are willing to work hard for the children that they have to teach children for the majority of their lives! Even with a low pay check. So it is women who have the most prevalent part of society! Women must also work hard to obtain a teaching job by going through college, since the 70’s women have made up the majority of college students who work hard for degrees. These degrees make women into your teachers, doctors, lawyers, mathematicians, CEOs, and even engineers. Furthermore, who is always the parent to raise their children? The mother; it is immensely more common for men to abandon their children and the women who carried their offspring. It is always the mother who teachers her children how to be productive members of society. Yet with all of these women teaching and raising men, their primal instincts cannot be subdued proving furthermore why this is the only sure solution. Even the greatest man in the world has a greater woman standing behind him teaching and guiding him to be the ‘good man’ he is. Women are the backbone, heart and lungs of society and if men want to belittle and attack women, they may as well join the cows in the slaughterhouse.

Women in general are also the most capable sex between the two. This is goes against the common theme of men being the superior sex, which is in fact false. Women tend to fare better in situations where there is copious amount of pressure. Well, no wonder this is the case as women who enter the workforce are often placed under more pressure to succeed and to prove themselves, due to the many injustices that women still face in the a workplace environment. This will not only allow women to rise through the ranks, but also become better leaders and more assertive, which is often seen as a male trait. Another way that women exceed men is that of jobs that are more centered around men, such as surgeons. Female surgeons, on average, have fewer characteristics that make them prone to fatal accidents than those of male surgeons. This makes female surgeons not only capable, but more skilled than those of the opposite sex. More and more women are able to do more jobs more efficiently and better than men, because they have to. Now, a majority of colleges have a higher percentage of female students than male and have had higher female ratios to males since the seventies. This female superiority in higher education proves how women are able to accomplish more than their male counterparts. Childbirth is the most painful thing that naturally occurs to the body, some may argue a swift kick to the gonads is worse, but because of childbirth the female body is built with a higher pain tolerance than a man. Women suffer monthly just in order to eventually go through this painful process and are made fun of by men for a natural process. Women are able to persevere and do their job even when they are experiencing this pain and uncomfortableness while men would stay home and complain when they had just a mere case of the flu and even treat it as an excuse just to stay home. Men, these days are just getting lazier and lazier, and at times absent minded. Laziness and absent mindedness are traits of not only men, but animals so it is justified that men should be treated as such.