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Family Structures and Legacies
Family Structures and Legacies
COMPETENCY: Make a personal genogram and trace certain physical, personality or behavioral attributes through your family’s generations
TRADITIONS
Every family has its traditions.
Some you may truly treasure such as big holiday gatherings with extended family.
Others you may truly despise such as the jello mold served at every festivity.
While some you may not even realize exist.
Those that you value, you hope your children “inherit.” Those that you abhor, you try to avoid.
However, what you pass down to your children consists of much more than these obvious traditions. Have you ever stopped to think about the impact of all of your day-to-day interactions with your children?
What are Family Legacies?
All families have a set of beliefs, values, and attitudes that are passed down from generation to generation through the messages that children receive from their parents.
These then become part of the growing child’s worldview.
These beliefs are frequently conveyed unconsciously by parents and internalized by children unknowingly and without being evaluated in terms of their validity, truthfulness, or usefulness. They are blindly accepted.
Although most obvious during the holidays, the transmission of family legacies occurs all year long through the small events and interactions of daily living.
Many of these legacies, therefore, can be passed along without a lot of reflection on the part of the parent. For example, you might have grown up in a house where “children were to be seen but not heard.”
Without even realizing it, you might be acting on this idea by not encouraging or even allowing your children to voice opinions, and you may not engage in discussions and conversations with them.
Without evaluating the belief that children should not speak their minds, you may not even consider a more open approach to hearing your children’s thoughts.
You simply do what has always been done.
EVALUATING FAMILY LEGACIES
EVALUATING FAMILY LEGACIES
Positive Legacies
Family legacies can be worth treasuring and passing on to the next generation or they may be unhealthy and merit discarding. Being aware of your family legacies can help you to decide which beliefs and attitudes you cherish and which you want to make a conscious effort to change.
For example, if you were raised in a family that valued “together time,” your parents may have taught you why they thought this was important, spent time with you and your siblings, included you in decisions about outings and vacations, and encouraged you to set aside time to be with your family.
As an adult, you may want to continue to teach and model this value for your own children. This is an example of being aware of a positive tradition that remains important to you and that you have consciously decided to maintain.
Negative Legacies
On the other hand, there may be some values passed down that you decide you want to modify.
For example, you may have been raised by parents who were very strict in their discipline; they were quick to punish, did not allow you to explain your point of view, and used humiliation as a discipline tool.
As an adult you may decide that you want to reverse that legacy. Instead of using discipline that shames your children, you choose methods that maintain their self-esteem and your relationship with them.
Conflicting Family Legacies
Sometimes parents are at odds with each other because they each bring their own family legacy to the parenting table. It may not be a matter of one being right and the other wrong; they are just different options.
Yet, because parents have not stepped back and evaluated the messages they received, they may assume that there is a “best” way to do things (their family’s way) and that any other choice is inferior.
For example, you may believe in making birthday celebrations a full day event with elaborate planning and lots of guests, while your co-parent believes in a low-key dinner with a cake and just the immediate family. With these different expectations and assumptions, disappointment or anger can easily take over.
Changing Family Legacies
If you find yourself at odds with your parenting partner or frequently frustrated with your children, then it may be a sign that you need to look at some of your underlying beliefs.
If you hear yourself repeating words your parents said to you that you swore you would never say, you can stop and ask yourself, “What do I really believe about this?”
Once you become aware of your family legacies, you can then choose to keep, modify, or discard them.
Making changes in the messages you send to your children is not always easy and can cause stress:
new behavior may not come naturally to you;
it may feel like you are being disloyal to your parents because you are rejecting some of their values by doing things differently;
and family members may feel threatened by and resist the changes you are trying to make.
What You Can Do
Surround yourself with people who support your growth.
Make shifts in approach gradually and thoughtfully. You want to be careful not to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. There will probably be some parts of your family legacy that you choose to preserve even as you discard other parts.
Acknowledge the struggles other family members may have with the changes you are making. Remember that they may have been quite happy with how things were!
Gather information about healthy parenting strategies and approaches.
Parents Play an Important Role in Shaping Adolescent’s Behavior
Adolescence is often thought to be from ages 13 to 18, but current research is more likely to consider 10 to 25 an adolescent due to continued brain development. Many parents of adolescents might find themselves asking “Does my child care what I think?” The answer is a child probably cares a great deal about what parents think. Parents play an important role in shaping your adolescent’s behavior. Teens who say their parents warned them about drug use and set clear rules are less likely to use drugs. Parents’ and teenagers’ morals, future aspirations, and self-control are typically quite similar. Talking encourages family togetherness and increases the likelihood teens will share parents’ values.
What kinds of things do teenagers want to talk about? Generally, teenagers are interested in the following conversations:
Family issues--Teens want to participate in decisions and be told about family problems.
Controversial Issues--Teens have questions like “Why can’t I drink until I’m 21?”
Emotional Concerns--Teens want to know how you really feel about things.
The Big Why’s--Teens begin to have philosophical questions about issues like war and religion.
The Future--Teens are curious and concerned about what they can expect from the future.
Current Events--Teens have questions about what is going on in the world and in their community.
Personal Interests--Teens really want you to show interest in their activities, music, sports, and friends.
Parents’ Lives--Teens are curious about what things were like when you were their age, including emotions you had and mistakes you made.
PARENTS AS ROLE MODELS
Are you a role model for your child? Parenting can be tough, but one of the most basic ways we can raise our children is simply by being a good role model for them.
How does a parent become a role model?
You’re already a role model for your child. Every time you say something, take an action or have a reaction to someone or something, your child is observing your behavior. As infants, this is how children gain language skills and eventually learn to talk. Preschoolers depend upon observation as they begin to understand and test the workings of interpersonal relationships. And even teenagers—although you might not believe it!—are listening to your words and observing your actions, examining how you handle everything from personal relationships to stress to career disappointments.
So whether you like it or not, you’re already a role model. The real challenge for parents is to provide a positive example as often as possible.
Do parents have to be “perfect”?
Parent by example is probably the best, simplest and most all-encompassing parenting advice you will ever get. But it’s not always easy…we all have days when we argue with a family member or say something we know we’ll regret later. The simple truth is none of us are perfect, and we will certainly do something some day that we wish our child hadn’t heard or seen.
Your actions after a misstep like this are just as important as your initial actions. It’s moments like these that allow you to demonstrate such challenging emotions as forgiveness, humility and empathy. So the next time you aren’t the picture of parenting perfection, take a moment to step back and talk to your child about what just happened. If you’ve said something unkind to your spouse, for example, make sure your children can also hear you apologize and discuss the incident.
What types of behavior can I model for my child?
Whether you’re teaching an infant how to talk or struggling to communicate with your teenager, setting a positive example for your children is simply a fantastic way to draw the best out of them. Many of the most important ways to role model are things you already do every day—now it’s just time to realize your child is learning when they see you do these things:
1. Show RESPECT for others and yourself.
Think about how you talk about and treat your friends, family members, neighbors and even yourself. Would you say hello on the street to a stranger or hold a door for someone at the store? Your child is learning how to value other people and institutions by watching your example. This includes how you talk about school, so consider your words wisely when you’re discussing your child’s class, teacher or administrators.
Your child also takes cues on self-worth from you. Respect yourself and your child will follow your lead.
2. Practice positive COMMUNICATION skills.
Do you wish your child would talk to you more? Or choose to speak instead of scream? Consider your own use of words…do you use them to hurt, criticize or argue with others, even if it’s not your children? Words are a powerful thing. If you demonstrate how negative, hurtful and disrespectful language can be, your child will do the same.
Do you listen to your child without interrupting? Be mindful of how and when you communicate—give your child your complete attention and respect her thoughts. You are teaching her to do the same for you.
3. Keep a POSITIVE OUTLOOK.
Is your child convinced he’s going to fail a class, not make the team or lose a friend? Consider the energy in your own family. Do you focus on the positive? Perhaps that negative outlook begins at home. The next time you make a mistake, like burning dinner, think before reacting. Then remember to laugh and suggest you feel lucky for the chance to order out. It’s often simple (and not so drastic) mistakes that become the best opportunities to model good behavior.
4. Teach the value of HEALTH.
Are you struggling to get your child to eat healthier foods or stop watching so much TV? You can’t expect them to do it on their own! Show them how! Sit down and share healthy meals and snacks with them, reduce your own TV time and plan outdoor activities you can do together, like a walk in the evening or a bike ride.
5. Work on ANGER MANAGEMENT.
Is your child quick to lose his temper, throw a tantrum or cry out of frustration? How about you? Responding to stress, anger or hurt feelings is a valuable tool that you can model for your child. We live in a society that is fast-paced, demanding and stressful, and anger is a very natural reaction. The next time you are faced with a challenge, try to remain calm, take a deep breath and talk through the issue. If appropriate, talk to your child about what triggered your anger and how you dealt with it. Your child will learn to take a step back and think about his own reactions the next time he gets mad.
Keep this in mind: Teaching by example is often easier and more effective than forcing children to obey rules by scaring, threatening, or tempting them with rewards. I think of the example of the mother who screams at her children to, “Stop yelling!” She might really want them to stop, but is she teaching them how to effectively communicate or just modeling the same bad behavior?
FAMILY STRUCTURES
The traditional family structure consists of two married individuals providing care for their offspring, but this is becoming more uncommon.
Nuclear Family
The nuclear family is considered the “traditional” family and consists of a mother, father, and the children. The two-parent nuclear family has become less prevalent, and alternative family forms such as, homosexual relationships, single-parent households, and adopting individuals are more common.
Single Parent
A single parent is a parent who cares for one or more children without the assistance of the other biological parent. Historically, single-parent families often resulted from death of a spouse, for instance during childbirth. Single-parent homes are increasing as married couples divorce, or as unmarried couples have children. Although widely believed to be detrimental to the mental and physical well-being of a child, this type of household is tolerated.
Step Families
Step families are becoming more common in America. Divorce rates, along with the remarriage rate are rising, therefore bringing two families together as step families.
Extended Family
The extended family consists of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. In some circumstances, the extended family comes to live either with or in place of a member of the nuclear family.
AUTHORITY PATTERNS
AUTHORITY PATTERNS
The three main parenting styles in early child development are authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive.
Parenting is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the aspects of raising a child, aside from the biological relationship. Parenting is usually done by the biological parents of the child in question, although governments and society take a role as well. In many cases, orphaned or abandoned children receive parental care from non-parent blood relations. Others may be adopted, raised in foster care, or placed in an orphanage.
Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three main parenting styles in early child development: authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive. These parenting styles were later expanded to four, including an uninvolved style. These four styles of parenting involve combinations of acceptance and responsiveness on the one hand, and demand and control on the other.
Authoritarian parenting styles
Authoritarian parenting styles can be very rigid and strict. Parents who practice authoritarian style parenting have a strict set of rules and expectations and require rigid obedience. If rules are not followed, punishment is most often used to ensure obedience. There is usually no explanation of punishment except that the child is in trouble and should listen accordingly.
Authoritative parenting
Authoritative parenting relies on positive reinforcement and infrequent use of punishment. Parents are more aware of a child’s feelings and capabilities and support the development of a child’s autonomy within reasonable limits. There is a give-and-take atmosphere involved in parent-child communication, and both control and support are exercised in authoritative style parenting.
Permissive parenting
Permissive parenting is a parenting style in which a child’s freedom and their autonomy are valued and parents tend to rely mostly on reasoning and explanation.
Uninvolved parenting
An uninvolved parenting style is when parents are often emotionally absent and sometimes even physically absent.
Activities
Activities
I. Trace your physical and behavioral roots to understand yourself deeper.
II. Write down your observations.
Assessment
Assessment
Write A if only the first sentence is correct, B if only the second sentence is correct, C if both sentences are correct and D if both sentences are incorrect.
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