Lesson 9:

Personal Relationship

COMPETENCY: Express his or her ways of showing attraction, love and commitment.

The concept of "relationships and family" is broad and varies from person to person. What you mean by relationship is unique to you, but most people do think of a state of connectedness, especially an emotional connection.

In our model, personal relationships refer to close connections between people, formed by emotional bonds and interactions. These bonds often grow from and are strengthened by mutual experiences.

Relationships are not static; they are continually evolving, and to fully enjoy and benefit from them we need skills, information, inspiration, practice, and social support. In our model there are three kinds of personal relationships.

ELEMENTS OF A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP

1. ATTACHMENT

Attachment theory is a concept in developmental psychology that concerns the importance of "attachment" in regards to personal development. Specifically, it makes the claim that the ability for an individual to form an emotional and physical "attachment" to another person gives a sense of stability and security necessary to take risks, branch out, and grow and develop as a personality. Naturally, attachment theory is a broad idea with many expressions, and the best understanding of it can be had by looking at several of those expressions in turn.

Psychologist John Bowlby was the first to coin the term. His work in the late 60s established the precedent that childhood development depended heavily upon a child's ability to form a strong relationship with "at least one primary caregiver". Generally speaking, this is one of the parents. Attachment styles as defined by by Ainsworth,Blekar and Wall (1978):

1. Secure attachment. Classified by children who show some distress when their caregiver leaves but are able to compose themselves and do something knowing that their caregiver will return. Children with secure attachment feel protected by their caregivers, and they know that they can depend on them to return.

2. Avoidant Attachment. Parents of children with an avoidant/anxious attachment tend to be emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to them a good deal of the time. They disregard or ignore their children's needs, and can be especially rejecting when their child is hurt or sick.

3. Anxious-ambivalent attachment. When the infant feels separation anxiety when separated from the caregiver and does not feel reassured when the caregiver returns to the infant. Anxious-avoidant attachment is when the infant avoids their parents. Disorganized attachment is when there is a lack of attachment behavior.

2. ATTRACTION

According to Helen Fisher, it is the first stage in a continuum of stages that lead to intimacy and commitment. It is primarily based on physiology or certain hormones that persons who get attracted to others often pick up with their noses.

Although often described as part of lust, attraction is distinguished from lust because it involves focusing our attention to a particular person or desire. Lust on the other hand is our libido; it is the underlying urge for sexual gratification. Attraction is also in part driven by different hormones than is lust, with adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin playing key roles. Ultimately, engaging in sexual activity may be just as dependent upon individual attraction as it is upon lust.

The Rozenberg Quarterly mentions several theories on attraction:

1. Transference effect- a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another.

2. Propinquity Effect- is the tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often, forming a bond between subject and friend. Occupational propinquity, based on a person's career, is also commonly seen as a factor in marriage selection.

3. Similarity- posits that people like and are attracted to others who are similar to them.

4. Reciprocity- in social psychology, reciprocity is a social rule that says people should repay, in kind, what another person has provided for them; that is, people give back (reciprocate) the kind of treatment they have received from another.

5. Physical attractiveness- is the degree to which a person's physical features are considered aesthetically pleasing or beautiful. The term often implies sexual attractiveness or desirability, but can also be distinct from either.

6. Personality Characteristics and Traits- five major traits underlie personality, according to psychologists. They are introversion/extroversion, openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism.

3. LOVE AND INTIMACY

Three Components of Love

In Dr. Sternberg's theory, the concept of love is introduced as a love triangle that is made up of three components:

1. Intimacy- which involves feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness

2. Passion- which involves feelings and desires that lead to physical attraction, romance, and sexual consummation.

3. Decision/Commitment- which involves feelings that lead a person to remain with someone and move toward shared goals.

TYPES OF LOVE

The three components of love interact in a systemic manner, working off of one another. The presence of a component of love and a combination of two or more components create seven kinds of love experiences. These types of love may vary over the course of a relationship as well.

Friendship

This type of love is when the intimacy or liking component is present, but feelings of passion or commitment in the romantic sense are missing. Friendship love can be the root of other forms of love.

Infatuation

Infatuation love is characterized by feelings of lust and physical passion without liking and commitment. There has not been enough time for a deeper sense of intimacy, romantic love, or consummate love at the beginning of the relationship. The other forms of love may eventually develop after the infatuation phase eases up. The initial infatuation is often so powerful that people can "carry a torch" for one another, not completely knowing if they have what it takes for a sustaining, deeper and lasting love.

Empty Love

Empty love is characterized by commitment without passion or intimacy. At times, a strong love deteriorates into empty love. The reverse may occur as well. For instance, an arranged marriage may start out empty but flourish into another form of love over time.

Romantic Love

Romantic love bonds people emotionally through intimacy and physical passion. Partners in this type of relationship have deep conversations that help them know intimate details about each other. They enjoy sexual passion and affection. These couples may be at the point where long-term commitment or future plans are still undecided.

Companionate Love

Companionate love is an intimate, but non-passionate sort of love. The intimacy or liking component and the commitment component of the triangle make up companionate love. It is stronger than friendship because there is a long-term commitment. There is minimal or no sexual desire. This is often found in marriages where the passion has died, but the couple continues to have deep affection or a strong bond together. This may also be viewed as the love between very close friends and family members.

Fatuous Love

In this type of love, commitment and passion are present while intimacy or liking is absent. Fatuous love is typified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage in which passion motivates a commitment without the stabilizing influence of intimacy. Often, witnessing this leaves others confused about how the couple could be so impulsive. Unfortunately, such marriages often don't work out and when they do, many often chalk them up to "luck."

Consummate Love

Consummate love is made up of all three components and is the total form of love. It represents an ideal relationship. Couples who experience this kind of love have great sex several years into their relationship. They cannot imagine themselves with anyone else. They also cannot see themselves truly happy without their partners. They manage to overcome differences and face stressors together.

4. COMMITMENT

Commitment is a personal thing. It is a strong indicator of a self-discipline, resilience and persistence. It is a value that differentiates the stout- hearted from the weak. People who are committed, do their very best even outside their comfort zones. They hurdle difficulties to fulfill their commitments not only to others but also to themselves. Because they are focused, their choices in life are clearer and they know their way towards their goals. People who are not committed lack focus and usually end up with many hazy choices. They struggle in sacrificially working towards their dreams and in holding on to it. They lack competence in self-management, especially in the areas of: integrity, achievement drive, realistic optimism, resilience and integrity.

Psychologists have conducted research on commitment and have identified three variables related to it (Rozenberg Quarterly):

1. Accumulation of all rewards of the relationship- considered as the most important determinant of satisfaction in a relationship. Rewards of the relationship include:

Support from the partner
Sexual satisfaction
Emotional, Financial, Physical security
Adventure
Novelty

2. Temptation of alternative partners- it was noted that the fewer options a party in a relationship gets exposed to, the lesser the possibility of breaking the relationship.

3. Investments made by the couple in the relationship- these investments may include time spent together, common beliefs and experiences, mutual experiences with mutual friends, and bearing children. It was also discovered that religious beliefs reinforce commitment.

Behaviors married couples may do that can predict a divorce or separation:

1. Criticism

This happens when there is the absence of unconditional positive regard for each other in a relationship. It is constantly finding fault in the other partner will result in negative feelings and resentment.

2. Denial of the existence of conflict

This is when one party eludes the presence of a problem and refuses to discuss it, as if belittling the problem, it will result in frustration on the side of the other party.

3. Contempt

Like criticism, contempt is present when someone who looks down on the party as inferior does not give unconditional positive regard, and aggravates the situation by expressing superiority over the other. According to a research (Rozenberg Quarterly), this is the “ultimate expression of disillusionment and highly predictive of divorce” or separation.

Responsibilities in a relationship:

Some important responsibilities that are necessary in a relationship to make it flourish and stay beneficial for the parties involved:

1. Be responsible for what you think and say to the other person.

2. Be responsible for what you promise to do or not to do.

3. Ensure the relationship is mutually beneficial.

4. Respect the other party or parties involved.

5. Be ready to provide support when needed.

Activities

I. Relationship Appraisal

II. Attraction

Assessments

KWL Chart

Previous: Lesson 8

Next: Quarter 2

Page updated

Report abuse