Radio static and buzzing as someone tunes into the broadcast.

BLANK (V.O.)

Hello, hello, hello denizens of our lovely new apocalypse. I’m your host today, and every day, Blank and you’re listening to 89.9 FM. It is a beautiful day outside. The sun has turned a beautiful shade of radioactive green, the sky is churning…and also green, the ground is shaking, and the horrors outside the windows sure are lively. I’ve got no connections to the eldritch horrors lurking outside, of course. That would be crazy. If I was one of them I’d definitely be doing something cooler than broadcasting a little radio show with the shitty mic I bought when I thought I wanted to be a YouTuber. Always got told I had a better face for radio, though, so I thought I might try it out now that the government is basically nonexistent and I can’t get in trouble for broadcasting without a permit. Even if they were still around, who’s gonna come and arrest me anyway? Don’t they have better things to do?

Tapping (as if waiting for a laugh).

Mutters something about the joke being weak anyways and lets out a chuckle to break their own awkward silence.

Anyway, I’ve been bored out of my mind lately. Can’t really go anywhere obviously due to the giant tentacled monsters roaming around and sucking the life out of everyone they come across. I’d rather not be driven mad in my quest for some fun. Sitting in my room and staring at the wall didn’t seem inviting though, so I decided to broadcast my thoughts to all you lovely listeners. It’s not much different from talking to a wall. I’m staring at one right now, anyway. Feels more real though, I think. Hopefully someone’s listening or my amazing personality is going to waste.

Laughs at their own joke again.

Whatever. Who cares? Anyway, it’s day ten of this lovely new hell that we’ve all been dragged into, and I am just loving it so far. I mean, what’s not to like about sitting alone in a tiny apartment all day staring at the peeling white paint my landlord plastered everywhere? It's the American dream, am I right? 

Well, I guess I don’t have to go to work, so there’s that…and I don’t need to see my boss. Fuck you by the way Karen if you’re listening to this. Hope the terrifying monsters ate you…or whatever it is they do. I’d rather not get close enough to find out.

Clears throat awkwardly.

Sorry for all the rambling. Talking to yourself is really difficult, y’know? I don’t even know if anyone’s actually listening to this. Feels like yelling into the void-

Speech cuts off and they start coughing.

God this closet is dusty! Why did I decide to record in here?

Loudly clears throat.

Sorry about that. My mic was probably peaking. I’ll try and find a better recording studio soon. Don’t want all my lovely listeners that I definitely have to leave because of bad audio quality. I should also probably get to the point of all this. I’m supposed to be talking about my experience in this lovely little apocalypse. Lemme start over. 

Hi. I’m Blank. No way I’m giving out my real name. Don’t want to create anything too dangerously parasocial. Plus, the alias is way cooler. I was a college student. I didn’t graduate or anything, but the place I used to go is probably destroyed by now, so it’s a very comfortable was. Never will get to get my Journalism degree. Not like it matters anyway…

Sorry. Need to stop doing that. Back to me. I worked at one of the dining halls and it sucked, but I got free meals and it funded my caffeine addiction. I live in a terrible studio apartment off campus with a landlord who never answers his phone and has painted over a frankly absurd amount of outlets. Man, now would be the perfect time to paint my walls. The peeling white paint is truly depressing and it’s not like I’m ever gonna get my security deposit back. I wonder what color would look good here. Maybe a purple or a teal…a bluey teal, though. No green…anything but green.

Shudders with disgust

Ah, sorry for that rambling. Never mind that. Moving on, now you know some stuff about me. Hopefully I can be some sort of comfort in this. So…you’re welcome, whoever you are.

God, this closet is so stuffy. Bleh…

Awkward silence

Hmm…if you’re listening to this, I’m pretty sure you know what’s going on already, but in case you don’t, I guess this show could also be a good source of updates. I’ve got a pretty good view of the center of the destruction which is probably why the sky’s so green. I wonder if people on the other side of the world still get blue skies and white clouds…

Clears throat awkwardly again

I…I um…alright, let’s take a look, shall we. Maybe I can give all of you a nice weather update since we’re all probably stuck inside.

Sounds of closet door opening

Sound of window blinds moving

Clears throat again

What can I see? Well, as of now the giant pit to either nowhere or everywhere that all these creatures have climbed out is still going strong. I’ve got no clue how It took me so long to notice that it has appeared in the first place. Must’ve slept through it. I’ve slept through a tornado and a house fire, so it would make sense to sleep through the end of the world. I was almost all the way to my 8AM before I realized the sky was green and I probably shouldn’t be outside. Seems I was the only one not clued into the new development.

It feels a bit like how the first few days of quarantine felt. Initially I was happy to get out of school and curl up in my room to play Animal Crossing…my room…my room…wonder what’s happened to it. I have no clue how far this has spread. What if-

Clears throat

Ah, what does it matter? I can’t really make my way back home. Who cares about all that? Hopefully the horrifying monsters are enjoying my extensive plushie collect-

Mutters “Why the fuck did I say that?

Ignore that! I was possessed for a moment. Must be because I left the safety of my dusty closet.

Sound of door closing.

Ah…tight, cramped space, sweet tight, cramped space. It’s starting to feel like home in here. Just gotta get some blankets, pillows, and a mini-fridge and I’m set. Wait…did I just replicate the experience of living in New York?

That was a terrible joke…I’m really losing it here. How do stand up comedians do it. Or Youtubers for that matter. How do you just sit there for an hour and just be funny with nothing to go off of? I mean, I’m funny, but I need something to riff off of…and I imagine most of what I have in this apartment will get stale pretty quickly when it comes to jokes. And not knowing if people even like the jokes is even worse. Hard being funny without anyone to laugh…maybe I should pull up a laugh track on my phone.

Awkward pause

Now that I think about it, that’s just sad. Like really, really sad. I’d go insane hearing canned laughter all day. Guess I’ll just have to make do with what I’ve got. 

Well, I should probably quit talking before I make a total fool of myself. Don’t want all my lovely listeners to think I’m pathetic…

Awkward pause

Well, that’s all for today! Hope all of you enjoyed the sound of my beautiful voice. If I was a real radio host, I’d have a fancy outro or something and then the radio would start back up, but I haven’t figured out how to play music yet. Since I doubt you wanna hear the scratchy, muffled sounds from my phone, just follow me on Spotify, as long as you still have service that is. Trust me. My music taste is the best. I’ve got so many good themed playlists. Uh…see ya, I guess?

Ad-libs a very awkward outro jingle.

Ah, that sucked. I’ll work on it. Bye.

Broadcast ends.

Radio static and buzzing as someone tunes into the broadcast.

BLANK (V.O.)

Hello, hello, hello denizens of our lovely new apocalypse. I’m your host today, and every day, Blank and you’re listening to 89.9 FM. Right now the acid rain is really coming down hard out there. I wanted to drop by a convenience store for a snack run, but I don’t really think my skin melting off into a puddle as my skeleton clatters to the floor like LEGO bricks is worth a bag of stale Fritos from the defunct 7/11.

Pauses for laughter for a shorter amount of time before breaking the silence with a half hearted chuckle.

Y’know what sucks the most about the apocalypse? There’s no new music. How am I supposed to survive if I never get another Waterparks album. No more MCR, no more Lovejoy, nothing! Ever! It sucks! My playlists are getting stale! How am I supposed to survive without any new stuff?! I was expecting some kick ass apocalypse punk music to invade the airwaves, but it’s woefully lacking. Seems my little show is the only one of its kind. Wish I could have musical guest stars on here or something. I’m sure all of you are getting pretty bored with my playlists, geniusly curated as they are. 

I’ve never been much of a musician. I played the recorder very badly in Elementary school and sang my little tone deaf heart out in chorus class, but that was about it. I’m not really talented at anything in any sense of the word…other than being absolutely hilarious, if I do say so myself. I’ve tried to pick up a guitar so many times, but I could barely even tune it right. Whatever. Who needs talent when you’re funny?

So, I’ve been looking a bit closer at the things lurking outside. Started trying to draw them. My drawing skills aren’t great either, so all the horrors just end up looking like piles of spaghetti. Guess that would be a win for the Pastafarians among us…y’know…the group who worships that giant spaghetti-nevermind. You get it.

Y’know…talking about all this stuff has made me realize something. I’ve just…never been much. I’ve always been the funny guy™. Nothing all that special about being funny…just means you don’t take anything seriously.

I guess I have my photography, but that’s not really worth much now, is it. Amature photography wasn’t exactly gonna get me anywhere other than taking someone’s Senior pictures or whatever. No way I was ever gonna get good enough to actually take pictures of the important stuff…

I’ve always had friends who were super talented.

Are they okay? And if they’re not…why am I here when they’re not?

Wow. That was depressing, huh? I was supposed to be talking about music. Well, I think I’ll cut this short before I embarrass myself further. See ya.

Radio static and buzzing as someone tunes into the broadcast.

BLANK (V.O.)

Hello, hello, hello denizens of our lovely new apocalypse. I’m your host today, and every day, Blank and you’re listening to 89.9 FM. Excuse the shitty audio quality…shittier than usual, anyway. I’m coming at you from my kitchen and the acoustics are not great. I also realize now that the main draw of cooking shows is seeing the food…but I’ve already got all my stuff set up, so you’ll just have to listen. A little cooking ASMR for ya.

Today we’ll be making…something. I got some decent stuff from the store, so let’s see. 

Sounds of Blank ruffling through a bag.

We could retread old ground and try out the energy ramen with a different flavor or energy drink. Today I’ve got black cherry vanilla…which sounds like a nightmare to put into anything, so that’s gonna be a no.

More sounds of bag rustling.

Ooh, some cheese sticks. These things have so many preservatives they’ll never go bad. Maybe I could…oh, I could bread this with some crushed up chips and make mozzarella sticks. That sounds good…now do I have any cooking oil…?

Some cabinets open and more rusting is heard.

Ah! Yes! Olive oil…should work, right? Ah, who cares? We’ve got our first course. Now onto course number two. 

Even more shopping bag rustling.

Hmm…got some spam…maybe I could grill it and put that on the ramen. It’ll be filling if anything. And for dessert…got granola bars…Twinkies…some Little Debbie cupcake things…ooo a Honey Bun. Maybe I’ll just have the Honey Bun as is. All this is too good to ruin. I need a little treat after the inedible monstrosity I’ll probably make.

All right, so step one, I should probably bread the cheese sticks…so gonna crush this bag of Doritos and…maybe I should just put the cheese sticks in and shake it. That should be easy.

Crushing sound. Shaking sound.

That…kinda worked. Good enough. ‘Kay…gotta heat up the oil…can I do this in a pot? Probably. Oh…I need to boil water for the ramen…and oil for the Spam…so much boiling. Bleh!

Sizzling oil.

Boiling water bubbling.

Okay, oil got hot fast. Time to drop the sticks in-OW!...oil is hot. Melty cheese is worth all the pain in the world, though. Now we wait for the water to boil and for these to get crispy.

Humming to themself

Knocking on the window

What was that? Must be my imagination.

Knocking gets louder.

Guess not. Who is it-

Glass breaking.

SHIT! GET OUT!

Screaming and a frying pan smacking against something wet.

And stay out! Jeez…

Water boiling over.

Oh shit the water!

Frantically turning dial on hot plate.

Crisis aver-Noooo! My cheese sticks…I made charcoal sticks…this was a disaster. At least I have my Honey Bun. That’s what I get for trying new things, I guess. Gonna end this broadcast because I doubt you wanna hear any gross mouth noises. See you guys later. Bye.

Radio static and buzzing as someone tunes into the broadcast.

BLANK (V.O.)

Hello denizens of our…oh who cares? Is anyone even listening? I doubt it. No one’s listening cause there isn’t anyone left. I’m probably the only one, aren’t I? I’m all alone…

Starts laughing. The laugh is broken and strained, coming from a throat raw from screaming and a voice thick from crying.

I just need someone…please…please! Someone please be out there! I can’t be the only one left…right? 

It’s so cold…

We used to have fun here…I used to have fun. Who am I even talking to? God, I’m pathetic.

I’m gonna go somewhere. Somewhere good…probably the last good place left in this hellscape. 

Footsteps in the background, the only sound that can be heard in the deafening silence of a desolate outside world and the slight whipping of wind.

I tried so hard.

Y’know…I think I gave the color green a bad rap. It’s…it’s pretty inviting actually. So pretty…

A splash is heard