From the Time I Felt Most Alive
From the Time I Felt Most Alive
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Anonymous
Anonymous
Poetry
From The Time I Felt Most Alive
- I feel so much pain in my heart from the time I felt most alive
- It takes a lot for me to wanna do things
- What I desired above all else was friends and to be loved
- Now I’m terrified of what both will bring
- Walking anywhere I keep hoping I’m not bothering anyone
- I just wanted to be a hero
- I just wanted to know I can do the right thing
- But when some consider you a monster
- You become a legend either way
- That immortal fight of my inner Superman vs my inner Kurama weighs heavy on my heart
- I’m plagued with these questions of self worth; wishing I knew the answer - All I do know; is this
- If it was too late I would have stopped already
- Even though my feet feel like concrete
- I force myself to keep going
- For my dream to finally be in a place where I can truly be me
- My hero’s journey is far from over but my experiences and the lessons are still with me - Those who love me and those who have given up on me are also all still with me - I will never forget
- Despite my shortcomings and falters I can still pull the sword from the hat - I can still blow up the death star
- And become hokage
- Maybe I am too old to have these dreams but these childlike adventures ring more true now than ever
- A prophecy from way back from the time I felt most alive
- “I think life is trying to challenge you”
- I don’t know if all this is going to mean anything but I have to try
I deal with a lot on a daily basis both externally and internally. I view it all as challenges and aspects to my journey. Some time ago at the end of 2019 I suffered the most painful experience I have ever encountered in my life. Some people thought horrible things about me and I got into a lot of trouble. I went through a lot of pain that has changed me to this day and is an experience that has added on to a lot of the anxiety I already had prior to this event. When I say ‘From The Time I Felt Most Alive” it’s in reference to when I was at community college. I had achieved my dream of having friends and a friend group.
I was very happy at this time but it was all gone in a flash. It has now left me with lingering issues that continue to plague me. I compare a lot of my life to heroes from tv because I was raised on Tv. I say that my conflicts of the past are represented by my inner superman vs my inner kurama. Superman being the face of what a hero can be and Kurama being a nine tailed demon of destruction. I look at this visual piece as the heart of what I feel has been my issues. However it is something that has made me stronger because as reflected in my poem I keep going. That is where the resilience comes in my poem. Because to be a true hero it doesn’t just mean the heroics rather it is about not giving up and knowing what's true on the inside. Despite the trauma of the past and present I know to become what I want and to be where I wanna be I gotta keep going. Maybe no one sees it but I know that I can be a hero and do the heroic stuff that comes with the territory. I should say I know I can’t literally do the things that Luke, Naruto and Harry Potter do but I mean it in a more metaphorical way. My resilience is that I have not given up on myself and despite it being hard I keep moving forward and I keep trying. Just like the heroes on the screen.
Disclaimer: Many storytellers here shared vulnerable experiences, which might be triggering to some. Please see below for resources.
UCSD Students: CAPS, Health Promotion Services, your College Deans of Student Affairs, Campus Community Centers.
UCSD Faculty and staff: Faculty and Staff Assistance Program, Staff Affiliate Groups, Work/Life Health & Wellness
UCSD All: CARE at SARC,
Anti-Racism Resources - Student Affairs and EDI
Community: RAINN, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, NEDA, Up2SD
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