All my life, I have been told what I can’t do or what I wouldn’t ever achieve. I am the first woman of my generation and because of that I always had to look out for all those that followed after me. My mother was a divorced, single mother of seven, and since the divorce with my father left her completely in debt, she and my eldest brother had to pause their lives to be able to provide. However, my relationship with my mother was altered because when my parents divorced, I chose my father over her. When I came back to live with my mother, she was very bitter because of my choice. So all throughout my teenage years, we never really got along, and I always felt like I was in search of a place called “home” that didn’t exist. Everyone would always say that I would be like my mother and never finish school without getting pregnant at the age of 15, like she did. People assumed that that was going to be my future.

When I graduated a year early out of high school, I was considering enlisting into the military. I thought that by enlisting I would perhaps find my place and have the stability that I was looking for. While working and getting my phlebotomy certification I gradually spent all my free time in the gym preparing my body for what I thought boot camp would require of me. Suddenly, that all came to a halt. A year after graduating early from high school at the age of 18, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and later diagnosed with Lupus. Sadly, my diagnoses were not taken seriously until the age of 21 when I got my first onset kidney failure and kidney stones. Lupus is an autoimmune disease that cannot distinguish the good cells from the bad, so it attacks my organs rather than help fight off diseases, and fibromyalgia is having overactive nerves. Having these two illnesses combined really makes life difficult for me.

Getting my first kidney stone changed my life as I sat in the hospital for a month not knowing if I would even live. The doctors were not seeing any results with the antibiotics and at one point they thought I was going to have to do dialysis. On the day that the doctors planned to administer a catheter, I pleaded with them to check my blood work one last time. To all of our surprise, the antibiotics were finally starting to help so dialysis and a catheter were no longer needed. Time and time, I fought and argued with medical staff, standing up for myself, and multiple times I wrote grievances about the unprofessionalism of both doctors and staff in the hospital. They refused to see past my ethnicity, tattoos and piercings, when they should have been focusing on the medical charts. Everything that I thought I had planned for my future drastically changed and here I was constantly being degraded and told that “You look fine” or “You’ll get better, there are people way worse off.” In addition, I did not feel like I could share my medical journey with my family because I thought that they would just say that I was looking for attention or not believe me. Because of my Latinx background I honestly thought my family might just assume the worst, like that I lost so much weight so fast because I was on drugs. Instead of getting the help I needed I found my mental state slowly deteriorating as much as my physical state. I did not have the support system I needed, and I did not know anyone else that had the same illness. To this day, I am literally the only person in my family that has it.

However, since I did not live with my family, they really did not see how much I struggled. I could not eat or hold down my food because of the intense nausea that my kidney issues would bring on. There were days that even wearing clothes, or the bed sheets on top of me, would hurt so badly because it would feel so heavy on my skin. At one point in time, I even had a cane and walker. On top of all of that, I was prescribed lots of medications, and sometimes those medications came with side effects. I would sometimes lose the ability to feel, so there were times that I could not even hold my glass or cut my food and would need help doing any of the small things normal people took for granted, like brushing my teeth or combing my hair.

So not only did I have to fight my body to be able to do normal daily activities, but I also had to fight myself mentally to want to try and get better. I found a support group to get involved in, and eventually started going to therapy to try and find healthy coping skills to move forward in life. Not too long after in 2017, I started my educational journey at San Bernardino Valley College. With the help of some of the Professors and Administrative staff I was encouraged to continue my journey, and that is how I became a transfer student here at UCSD. Life is not easy, and I have always found myself questioning “why me?” but I eventually learned to honor my story and be grateful because it has turned me into the stubborn Taurus bull that I am today. Thinking like that is the only way I have been able to overcome and endure all the pain and struggles that I do on a daily basis. I am the first in my family to break the cycle of being a first-generation college student, and I do it because I have a niece and a few nephews who have seen me struggle and have seen me cry. They have seen me spend so much time in the hospitals that I want them to recreate that image of me in their heads and replace it with positive images. I want them, and anyone else that hears my story, to know that no matter what life throws your way you can always overcome it, but it is up to you to take charge full speed ahead. I didn’t have any experience starting my college career or anyone in my family to turn to during the start of this exciting new chapter in my life, however now that I have some experience myself, I look forward to my nieces and nephews reaching out and asking me for support one day.

I have learned that while my illness can sometimes hinder me physically, it is also very much a part of my story that I am proud to tell to whoever is willing to listen. It has given me a voice, it has taught me to find creative coping mechanisms, and it has been a reminder that there were days that I was not sure I would get through, but I did. I overcame them and I still do. At the age of 21 the doctors gave me a life expectancy of 5 years, and here I am at 29 living a much more fulfilling life. Instead of giving into any of those people that assumed my future and discouraged me, I drowned them out and literally took my life by my own horns, because I genuinely believe you are the author of your own story.

This contest inspired my painting of the Bull as the armor of the woman along with the bullseye that has helped keep me focused on my goals and charging towards them full speed ahead. On the lower part of her body, I incorporated a self-love portion with her embracing herself, and I wrote out some words that I felt best describe me as a person. It took a long time to be able to relearn what my identity was after going through everything I went through. Therapy really helped me to change for the better and also reminded me to not get consumed with the opinions of others. On her body I wrote the following words: Queen, Warrior, Strong, Independent, Loving, Caring, Smart, Worthy, Bold, Rebel, Tia (Aunt), Kind, Unique, Daring, Taurus, Unshakable, Beautiful, Compassionate, Daughter, Powerful, Successful, Sister, Resilient, Unconventional, Secure, Bull, Misunderstood, Survivor, Important Enough, and I matter. These words and the self-love portion of this painting are so important to me because it took a long time for me to get comfortable in my skin after being diagnosed with Lupus. I had to take back my power and own my current story, and not grieve who I used to be and the things that I used to do. This painting is a culmination of my past, present and future, and I’m proud of myself for getting to where I am today.