As someone who is learning to cope with an anxiety disorder, I often size myself up to those around me and compare myself to their progress in life. It is incredibly easy for me to neglect my own successes, scornfully resent my anxiety, and fantasize about how simple life would be if I were not an anxious person. When I look to the person next to me, all I see is triumph and I torture myself by believing that my anxiety is stopping me from living out my life, a fruitful life. This mindset has led me down many dark pathways and I ultimately had to find it within myself to accept that the world is not the one pitting against me. Having anxiety does not mean that I am damned for all of eternity and it took a lot of courage for me to realize that I am my own worst enemy. I was the one stopping myself from achieving genuine happiness. The world is not to blame.

When you look at this painting, you see two hands: one reaching for the light and another dragging it down. It is natural to assume that these hands come from two different beings as they are disembodied; one is skin toned and the other is blue. The hands are working against each other, so how could they be a part of the same person? However, when you perceive that these hands are a part of the same being, the artwork affords a much deeper meaning and the image becomes clearer. These hands are representative of the internal war I am constantly battling with myself. The light symbolizes my ambitions whether that be my next personal project, academic success, or drive to put myself out there and experience novel environments. The hand reaching toward the light demonstrates my strength to work against the odds and achieve my goals. Meanwhile, the blue hand that drags it down represents my tendency to be complicit and let anxiety take the lead.

Once I recognized that I am the one dragging myself down, it became easier for me to reach for the light. As a community college student, I would experience waves of envy toward my high school peers who went straight to university. I would see them study abroad, gain internships, and enjoy life on campus, away from our small town. Comparing myself to their progress in life cornered me into a fixed mindset. I slowly began to realize that I have the power to build my own definition of success. I started to acknowledge all that I had to be grateful for as a community college student and worked on building progress within my own means. As a result, I became more active at school. I spent my time studying at my college’s tutoring center where I built a strong support system and established lifelong friendships. I sought out work with my local city government and gained my first internship. I had finally found what success is to me. My experiences in the dark led me to realize the importance of resilience and how refreshing it is to champion my success. I had to separate myself from the progress of others and acknowledge my own small victories. Everyone is on their own journey and it is not fair for me to compare my experiences to others.

Establishing resilience is a dynamic process. There are days where I can feel the warmth of the light on my fingertips as I reach closer, while other days the warmth fades as the blue hand grips me and the weight of my anxiety leads me astray; nevertheless, I take it day by day and roll with the punches. I celebrate the small successes in life and weather the storm with poise and humility. This is ultimately what resilience means to me. Resilience is not measured by my number of good days. Resilience is determined by progress of any magnitude and my willingness to move forward, regardless of how many times I bring myself down.