Nota Bene 

March 16, 2024

Week 12:  Disappearance + the Ego

I was asked to reflect on the concept of disappearance. What has been disappearing from my life lately? My first reaction was about my ego. My ego seems to be fading with each passing moment in my life, not necessarily because that's what I desire, but because it's what I'm being faced with. Of course, we can never completely dismiss the ego; much of our survival depends on its existence. The desire to maintain the self must be fueled by an inherent desire to focus on the self. However, when our physical selves are not being threatened, we are more free to focus on the role of the ego with regard to our consciousness. Consciousness only depends on our ego inasmuch as we are alive for our brains to function and thus provide us experiences with which to learn and become enlightened. 

As a young person, I cared very much what people thought of me. It was imperative that they liked me. Before the age of eight, I could have cared less who liked me or who didn't. I was so bold that I self-proclaimed a pair of adorable Danish identical twins (Jason and John Polhemus) as my first boyfriends when we were in first grade altogether. 

By the time I was eight, having moved back to New York from a three-year family residence in Hong Kong, I cared very much what people thought of me. It was imperative that they like me. I quickly realized that without a plethora of friends, I wouldn't be able to survive. I needed people to help me feel better about myself. I needed people to validate my existence. I needed people to be ok: both for me to be okay and for them to be okay. 

Before long, peers referred to me as their "conscience." They told me I had too little confidence but also that I was a mirror into themselves. I was friends with everyone, but still I wasn't considered the most popular girl, or even in the popular group of girls. I preferred male friendships to female ones but then fell into a hole of always wishing one of them would become my boyfriend.  I found it challenging to be part of a group; I didn't want to be defined, but I also wanted to fit in. It's been a counter-productive strategy ever since, and I finally had to choose one over the other; I had to give up caring what people think of me in order to become the most authentic and courageous version of myself. 

I am not saying anything new here. It's actually pretty redundant and cliche to admit these days. But that doesn't make it any easier. It's not any fun to walk into a space where everyone doesn't embrace you. Or worse - resents and dislikes you. I used to love being on stage with everyone's eyes on me. It's exhilarating to hold the space for everyone else in the room. Until the lights go on, and the show is over, and everyone is going back to their own homes with their own loved ones, without you. 

As I write this, there's a birthday party happening that I was invited to. An hour ago, I walked in, signed my name on the placard, dropped off my treats, and left. I realized I'd rather be on my couch, again, typing away on my laptop than be in a crowded room talking about God knows what. 

Because that's exactly it: God knows what, and I can hear God's voice a lot clearer from my couch these days, alone, than from anywhere else. 

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