Satire Columnist Runs Out of Ideas

It was a tragic day in the intimate town of Needham, Massachusetts. Many feared that all they once loved––everything that they lived for––had disappeared in a single moment. Laughter that once filled the streets was drowned out by tears and cries of suffering. Children were encouraged to bow their heads when they walked in front of the age-old school. A devastation, unrivaled by anything else, flooded people’s heads and brought them to their knees. Of course, it was known that this day would come, but nobody expected it to arrive so soon. The death of creativity, the death of art, the death of comedy, the death of a hero, was unfairly levied upon them: Jack Stein, the satire writer for the Hilltopper, had run out of ideas.

This Sunday, a live and public NHSN interview with the self-proclaimed ‘greatest satire writer in history and most likely ever’ revealed to the world that his genius, unparalleled by all who dare approach it, was starting to run dry. “Although all of you readers adore my work, and although my words inspire you to do whatever it is you do, today, I must announce my early retirement. I plan on releasing one final goodbye message, one last reason for all of you to remember me. In it, I will share my secrets for success; I will unravel the scroll that is the journey of my awe-inspiring and remarkable career, but most importantly of all, I will demonstrate my extreme devotion to humility, justice, and unbiased journalism.”

Immediately following Stein’s speech, a shockwave of emotions erupted across the room. Everybody had known that the prodigy could write, but never before had they experienced such a genuine, heartfelt, and powerful delivery like the one they had just witnessed. In an instant, the room exploded into uproarious applause.

The columnist’s career had started out as so insignificant and inconsequential, yet, in only a single year, he had managed to shape the hearts and minds of millions of adoring fans. What was the secret to his success? Put simply, it was his incredibly massive ego and his fondness for over exaggeration. As a young child, Stein had always felt scared, cold, and alone. That never changed. What did change was his ability to shape his insecurities into stories––stories that completely shifted the way he thought about himself. Soon, Stein knew that he was the best satirist that ever lived, and it wasn’t even close. His work utterly annihilated the snoozefest novelists that were Bradbury, Orwell, and Huxley. The true secret of satire writing was the understanding that all media should be consumed in short form. Quality was irrelevant when quantity was insignificant enough to be consumable for the average person. That was the true reason for this sudden stagnation. He was the greatest satirist of all time. He had done enough already. Why should he bother putting in the time to come up with more ideas for an industry that was being destroyed by social media?

So, after his lengthy one year career and five published articles, Stein gave his retirement speech and went off to pursue his dreams of stardom in a different field. In a superfluous attempt to secure his legacy, Stein wrote one last article explaining everything––and he felt like he did a damn good job.