Why Taylor's "Love Story" is Better

“We were young when I first saw youuu….” Romeo and Juliet? You’ve heard of it. A classic Shakespearean love story, made for production in the one, the only, the Globe Theatre. If you don’t know what it’s about, it’s pretty much the basis for every rom-com: boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, extenuating circumstances like a feud between their families prevents them from being together (sigh) forever! So, of course, the very mature teenagers decide that if they can’t be together, they must run away. Chaos ensues, and due to their own stupidity and lack of foresight, both children end up dead. So tragic. First love never did run smooth, but why do we hate this story so much?

First, ROMEO IS 16 AND JULIET IS 13?!? WHAT. THAT’S A 3 YEAR DIFFERENCE. AND THEY AREN’T EVEN ADULTS. The legal age of consent in Massachusetts is 16, so that’s technically pedophilic. #discrepanciesinbraindevelopment

And that’s not even the worst part. They knew each other for a day… A day!!!... Cue Elsa: “You can’t marry a man you just met!” Facts girl. (Elsa was the only mentally stable character in Frozen other than the … you know, besides the stabbing people with ice thing #reliablesource) Anyway, just like Hans and Anna, they knew each other for one day, got married, called it love, then died a couple of days later. Sounds like a great country song. #emmadoesntlikecountryeventhoughitisawesome

Second, Juliet is the rebound for Romeo. Romeo was actually friend-zoned by the one person he had eyes for before Juliet, a girl named Rosaline. Who, by the way, is Juliet’s cousin. Then his friends take his heartbroken butt to a party to forget about her. Then he sees Juliet from across the room, and you know what happens after that. (“see the lights, see the party, the ballgowns”) Juliet doesn’t even know that she was a rebound. Red flag. Didn’t see that one in “Gnomeo and Juliet.”

Third, the whole part where Romeo goes and stands below Juliet’s balcony (“I’m standing there on a balcony in summer air”) and they say those famous lines, “Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo… What man art thou that thus bescreened at night.” What a stalker. Fun fact: Juliet is actually asking why is Romeo. (I’ll do you one better: who is Gamora?) Romeo actually tries to get aJuliet's confession offor love out of Juliether, and Juliet falls into the trap. Notice, this was only hours after they had met at the party.

This perspective of Romeo and Juliet teaches us that if we cannot find love, we should simply cease to exist. That doesn’t seem like a very positive concept for ninth graders to learn…

Also, the plot of Titanic was completely stolen from Romeo and Juliet! (Complete with Leonardo DiCaprio as the male lead in both movies) How did none of us notice the similarities? Rose and Jack? Romeo and Juliet? This isn’t even subtle. Coincidence? I. Think. Not!

So, thanks, English class, but we think we’ll stick to the T-Swizzle version of this “love” story.