BREAKING: Needham Proven to Be Better Than Wellesley
By Eleanor Mackey and Nicole Allen
Published April 1, 2021
Recently, two of the Hilltoppers most ethical reporters, Nicole Allen and Eleanor Mackey, entered into an important study of the difference between Wellesley and Needham, a topic of discussion that has been plaguing the two towns for as long as anyone can remember. While this mission was dangerous, and required undercover work at Wellesley High School that forced Mackey to remove the Needham Swim and Dive Sticker from her car, the pair approached the subject from an unbiased and quantitive perspective in order to enlighten members of both towns. And, after thorough research spanning the course of many hours, Allen and Mackey have definitively proven that Needham is the superior town to Wellesley. You can read the full length of their report below:
1. We Know How To Drive
When parking at Wellesley High School to investigate claims we had heard about driving, we immediately noticed the numerous vehicles parked at angles, not to mention the lack of students who had backed into their spot (clearly, there were many jv drivers). Coming from a high school that prides itself on its not one, but two parking lots, we were perturbed by the disturbing lack of good parking skills. However, upon doing some research, we cannot simply blame Wellesley High School students for their poor driving, rather we must look at their lack of driving schools. Sitting above the Starbucks on the corner of West and Highland, Needham Driving School has taught thousands of Needhamites how to drive. Matching the charitable values that Needham holds, the Driving School offers its services to people in surrounding towns, but take one drive through Wellesley, and it's clear that no one has taken the Driving School up on its offer.
2. Wellesley Has No Hill To Fill
A popular saying among NHS students is to "fill the hill", a rousing cry to students to support their fellow students. This level of student support and camaraderie that exists in Needham simply does not happen in Wellesley, who have nothing to chant, say on Instagram stories, and retweet on Twitter that will get their fellow students to support their athletic endeavors. In our investigations at Wellesley High School, their school rests on a drab and flat piece of land, which is inspiring to none. NHS's iconic location atop a hill also gives rise to the name of our beloved publication, The Hilltopper. Given that Wellesley has nothing iconic about its high school to name its students newspaper after, we see why they had to settle for the name with nothing to do with the evanescent environment, and wish them luck being inspired to write thrilling news pieces with a publication name such as that.
3. Our Football Team
At our game against Wellesley, Needham obviously took the L. However, Needham has been beating other teams, and it's only their care for their physical health that kept them from beating Wellesley. Our players make sure to keep their skulls safe. Football is notoriously dangerous game for head health, and at Needham, we don't vibe with concussions. Alternatively, images suggest that Wellesley is not putting the same care into maintaining their brains, which allows them to take extra (winning) risk on the field.
In the images on either side, notice the "normal" head shape of Andrew Barnett, one of our captains, as opposed to the bumpy and "unique" shape of the heads of Wellesley players on the right and below.
4. our mascot doesn't promote violence
The rocket a symbol of American ingenuity during the Space Race, but it means a lot more in Needham. Not only is the mascot a comment on the power of women (specifically women of color) in STEM (Sunita Williams is genuinely one of the most amazing women ever), but also a testament to the Nike missile site, which helped the US during the Cold War. Compare this unique, awe-inspiring mascot (like genuinely, outside of April Fool's, it's a really awesome mascot) to the violence coated history of "the raiders." What does this word insinuate except for the violent practices of pirates? In fact, the Cambridge Dictionary defines raider as "someone who enters a place illegally and usually violently, and steals from it." In light of the violent Thanksgiving brawl of 2019, why would Wellesley promote this dangerous mascot and the dangerous ideals it upholds?
5. Our Colors Are Better
For anyone who knows anything about basic color theory, we have better colors. While we cannot speak to the abundance or lack thereof of Wellesley's fine arts program, we can speak to what we learned in Art 1. The colors blue and gold/yellow do not speak to negativity, but rather to nature. Blue is the color of the sky, yellow the color of the sun, and gold the color of a precious metal, called gold. On the other hand, while red may be synonymous to Ketchup and gingers, it is also "the color of passionate love, seduction, violence, danger, anger, and adventure," according to the website colormatters.com. Wow. Passionate love seems to insinuate a codependent, toxic high school relationship. Moreover, with the points made in the mascot section, a furthering of the ideas of violence, danger, and anger is not good. Their other color appears to be black, which any art student will tell you is not a color. Lastly, according to the website Reference.com, "The most common color combination for universities is red and white. Red is the most popular school color overall, and other very common combinations include red with black or gold." Wow. This sounds exactly like the Wellesley logo pictured above. Yet again, Wellesley proves its consistent unoriginal nature.
6. They Have the Wrong Number of Windows at the High School
When we went to investigate the horrors we had heard of at Wellesley High School, we were immediately struck by their windows. As you can see in the three images below, not one wall on their strange, confusingly shaped building had the correct ratio of bricks to windows. On some, the number of windows was so large that we felt as though we were ants being watched by some unmerciful god. On others, the few, small windows simply reminded us of a small child playing Minecraft for the first time. Now, look at the image of Needham High on the right, featuring architectural elements like columns and a wind vane, not to mention the perfectly spaced, geometry teacher approved windows. It's clear which one looks better. Spaced out like a 12 year old boy's mustache hairs, or like a middle schooler with overcrowded teeth, the erroneous number of windows at Wellesley speaks to much deeper ideas of what Wellesley is: erroneous in itself.
7. Our Nickname Starts Important Conversations, Yours Ends It
Needham has a pretty unique nickname, "Weedham" and while we rarely hear conversations surrounding the town of Wellesley, we're pretty sure their nickname is "Swellesley." Purely from an aesthetic and linguistic perspective, Weedham is better. But, let's investigate further. The topic of marijuana legalization has been an issue for decades and for as long as the nickname has been around, "Weedham" has been starting this important conversation. The nickname is not just fun and unique, but also features a controversial political subject, and pushes the envelope on whether or not weed should be legal. When the Massachusetts Marijuana Legalization Initiative was passed by ballot measure in 2016, cannabis, also known as weed, became legal for adults 21 and older. Clearly, the nickname "Weedham" was not simply a nickname, but also a vital part of the push to legalize marijuana. In light of "Weedham," let's look at "Swellesley." We presume this is the failed combination of the words Swell and Wellesley. According to our Google research, the word swell means to "become larger or rounder in size, typically as a result of an accumulation of fluid." We are unsure why Wellesley would want to be referenced with this anatomical word, but either way it's a bad nickname.
8. Cooler, and More Hygienic, Trash Cans
9. Much Better Sunsets Than West Needham's
10. High Schoolers in Wellesley Litter
11. All Around Better School Names
While Needham High School and Wellesley High School themselves may seem to be pretty even names, looking back at the history, you can see that Needham High School's is actually superior. What is now known as Wellesley High School used to be known as Gamaliel Bradford High School, after an (actually) really cool individual who was a physician, superintendent of Massachusetts General Hospital, and an abolitionist. Which begs the question, what questionable motives inspired the town to remove the school name honoring this individual? We're not sure, but something smells rotten in Denmark. Alternatively, Needham has not has such a fishy past with the naming of their school, having been named Needham High School throughout its entire history. Additionally, our elementary schools have superior names. For instance, the Joseph E. Fiske elementary school's namesake served on the NEEDHAM board of selectmen and school committee. Wellesley doesn't even have enough cool people of its own to name their schools after, and we're getting serious middle school vibes from Wellesley straight up copying Needham's look. Alternatively, Needham has the Sunita L. Williams Elementary School, which is the first school in Massachusetts to be named after a woman of color. Unlike Wellesley, Needham is continually a trendsetter, as opposed to the blatant copycatting from Wellesley, reminiscent of fast fashion bands poorly knocking off actual trends. We are the Prada to their SheIn.
12. field houses
This one is self explanatory... just look at the pictures
13. Wellesley Is a Historical Copy-Cat
There's a feeling in Needham of being part of a town with an over three hundred year history (incorporated in 1711). In comparison, Wellesley was founded in the remarkably recent year of 1881. Not only was Wellesley formed in the 80s, but it was also literally just Needham, but they left. "West Needham" became "Wellesley," the IDENTICAL first letters really speak to the amount of unoriginality West Needhamites have. Furthermore, according to the reliable website, Wikipedia.com, Wellesley was part of Dedham in the 1600s, a fact conveniently "forgotten" on their town history website. Over the last 400 years, the people of West Needham have changed their town multiple times. Does this fickle relationship with town names speak to a larger attitude among West Needhamites? We sure think so.
14. Our Alumni Are Cooler
First, whatever your political leanings, our alumni make up 4% of U.S. state governors, West Needham (now commonly referred to as Wellesley) alums make up 0%. Embarrassing, to say the least. Second, upon looking up on Google, we found that not one West Needham student had gone to the Olympics. Needham not only sent its 2012 high school graduate Aly Raisman to the Olympics, but she won a bunch of medals! How many Olympians do you have at your Fourth of July fireworks celebration, West Needham?
15. Needham High School is BEAUTIFUL
While West Needham decided to distance itself from its historical roots and original history, Needham High School has instead embraced its roots, and added expansions onto its original building several times, in order to retain the impressive facade and aesthetic of the high school. Over in West Needham, the architects who took on the project of creating a new high school in 2012 completely replaced its previous high school that had been around since 1938! Obviously, the architects decided with the town to create the most visually confusing and stress-inducing exterior for the school that they could dream up, leaving West Needham with the mess of layers, rectangles, windows, and seemingly irrelevant brick walls that presently intimidate and increase the anxiety of its students on the daily. While Needham may present a serene exterior, complete with the lovely Own Your Piece Statue, which inspires students to consider their mental health and take time to give back to their community, West Needham High School confronts its students with a clock (which was wrong at the time that we investigated the school), merely to remind them their ever present morality and the steady constant march towards their inevitable death, as well as the minutes ticking by until their next class.
16. Hilltopper > Bradford
Hilltopper evokes images of beauty, nature, grassy hills. Bradford evokes images of.... a lame guy named Brad? idk. In actuality, while their namesake Gamaliel Bradford is on par with the Hilltopper's lovely name, the rest of Wellesley's student publication is wayyyyyy below par, even with their parents' money going to buy them their own domain name and add every possible widgets to their site (we spend literally $0 on our site). Looking at the Instagram pages, it seems as though no one on The Bradford's staff knows what a color scheme is. And it's apparent looking at their follower to following ratio (which is 548 to 790, versus the Hilltoppers 1,167 to 327) that they may need to buy themselves more followers if they're looking to get on The Hilltopper's engagement level. Just like the rest of the town, the staff of the Bradford continues to take themselves too seriously in their staff bios. While Gracie Meisner (pictured on the top left) and Ian Lei (pictured on the bottom left) both seem like wonderful people with genuinely great ideas on how to improve their paper (we also enjoy hiking, Ian), their bios read like a post on University of College Class of '25 Facebook page. Now, take a peek at the bios of the only Editor-in-Chief not writing this article, Maddie Gerber (top right), and the bio of Talia Bloom (bottom right), our social media director. It is clear (even to the unbiased observer- such as ourselves) which bios are better.
We reached out to the Bradford, but their only comment was the following meme, which pales in comparison to our own (these memes are included below for your reference).
As the results of our in depth and harrowing study have proven: Needham IS better than Wellesley. While we look forward to the possibility of hearing a counter argument from our friends at the Bradford, we rest assured that our study was comprehensive, unbiased, and reached the correct conclusion. Thank you for reading.