NHS English Teachers Revealed to have Authored Entire English Curriculum 

Needham, MA - Since the incident, several eyewitnesses have marveled at how the Monday of March 18th, 2024, started like any other. “I mean, you’d never in a million years would’ve thought…I just…I’m sorry, could I have a minute please?” That’s Needham High School’s very own Mr. Douglas Stanczak, who teaches several classes of AP US History, of which G Block is his favorite. “I love to interject parts of my own life into my lessons,” Mr. Stanczak told The Hilltopper. “It makes it more engaging for the students.” Not once did Mr. Stanczak ever consider that he might make history instead of teaching it, for his shocking discovery has sent shockwaves throughout the entirety of Needham High School.

At around 7:15 am on Monday morning, Mr. Stanczak was searching for his beloved copy of The American Pageant. “I was in such a state, I tell you. I couldn’t find it anywhere,” he informed reporters during a press conference a few days later. “Then I remembered I had left it in the English and Social Studies Department offices in 703.” It was there that he happened to spy several manuscripts of literature from the English curriculum, stapled together on printed sheets of paper instead of bound as books. “I didn’t think anything of it, until I happened to notice that the authors were incorrect. The front pages of classics like To Kill a Mockingbird didn’t credit Harper Lee, for example. Instead, it said that they were by various English teachers at NHS. My colleagues, people who I thought simply taught this material, seemed to have…written it?”

Security camera footage shows Mr. Stanczak frantically going through the covers of the manuscripts. “I couldn’t make heads or tales of it, and I had practically worked myself up into a frenzy. You could consider my pearls clutched.” Hoping that an English teacher could help clarify, he brought several of the manuscripts to Mr. Robert Flaggert, a longstanding teacher at Needham High. Mr. Flaggert initially dodged the questions, but Mr. Stanczak, who has recently been teaching his students about the CIA’s advanced methods of infiltration, interrogation, and torture, was very easily able to get to the bottom of the situation. “He’s fine,” Mr. Stanczak informed authorities. “Just don’t look at the bottoms of his feet.” 

Mr. Flaggert eventually confessed both in front of Mr. Stanczak and later the school administration that the English teachers of Needham High School had actually been producing the entire curriculum. In an admission of guilt recorded by Mr. Stanczak, Mr. Flaggert stated that “each and every piece of literature that we have taught to our students did not come from the authors you think wrote them. They came from us. All of us! Oh, Lord, what have I done?” An uncomfortably long period of sobbing can be heard as Mr. Stanczak dragged Mr. Flaggert down to the offices of Principal Sicotte to repeat this account. 

Since that Monday, the administration has launched a “very thorough investigation,” as Principal Sicotte assured students and faculty in an email with the subject line “We need to heal.” One student who wanted to remain anonymous described the email as both “vague yet extremely pointed, a hallmark of Principal Sicotte’s writing, if you ask me.” Indeed, the email seemed to raise more questions than answers, as confused students began to puzzle why every single English teacher suddenly had a pink slip on their door. “I just assumed they were all on a retreat or something,” a student recounted. “But it’s been a week now, and I’m starting to really miss my English class. I’ll never admit that I said this, but a very small part of me was actually enjoying What the Eyes Don’t See.” 

The administration’s investigation is still ongoing, but a few details have leaked to the media. According to an inside source, the English teacher who wrote “A Modest Proposal” has had their teaching license revoked indefinitely, and is now being urged to seek psychiatric care alongside the teachers who wrote “Paul’s Case” and The Catcher in the Rye. Although their identities remain anonymous, others have been confirmed as the authors of specific works. Notably, Mr. Flaggert admitted to having written 1984, Of Mice and Men, and The Crucible, all classics that have received considerable praise for their poignant criticisms and depictions of society. One member of the administration, when pressed about Mr. Flaggert’s case, conceded, “I’ll be the first to say that this kind of lying and trickery is inexcusable by all accounts, but I’ve gotta give it to him, that man is a genius.” 

Much like Abigail Williams in The Crucible, which is apparently of his own creation, Mr. Flaggert pointed a finger at many of his constituents during his confession, including several AP Lang teachers who had apparently co-authored the more unpopular parts of the English curriculum, such as the practice AP test essays on rhetoric, synthesis, and argument. These teachers have now been relocated to highly secure bunkers for their own protection, as the student body did not react kindly to this information. 

In the wake of such an extreme revelation, many members of the NHS community have had difficulty navigating this new Needham High. The entire English curriculum is under scrutiny and will likely require drastic reform, according to authorities. Principal Sicotte did not immediately respond to requests for comment on what will come of the English Department, but reminded students in his email that the guidance offices are always open. 

Some students have found solace in the stability of other aspects of their academic and personal lives. “I just got my SAT scores back, so my biggest uncertainty right now has been resolved,” said one high school junior. “I’m sad about not having English class anymore, but hey, at least I can still read from The American Pageant. That wasn’t written by our history teachers, right?...Right?” 

Mr. Stanczak, who was within earshot of this conversation, was seen quickly ducking around a corner and pulling out his phone to call someone. An eyewitness informed Hilltopper staff that she was certain she heard him say, “Mr. Schotland? Mr. Schotland. They’re onto us. We’ve gotta roll.” Then, caressing his own copy of the Pageant, he whispered into its pages, “It’s okay, pookie. No one will ever find out. I won’t let them take you away from me. Not now, not ever. My precious…” Mr. Stanczak then crouched down on all fours and slithered his way into the night. Police have now declared him a missing person, and he was last spotted entering the town forest, muttering something about the Employment Act of 1946.