Matthew Timmerman

Ahoy! I'm Matthew Timmerman. I am a Junior, and  I started this class dreading the poetry unit. However, through some form of Topel's trickery, I have left this class with a much more favorable outlook on poetry, and somehow, a majority of my work has been poetry.  Most of my inspiration comes from music, conversations with friends, or my own mental health. Below is a selection of my work. 

Fear

I’m afraid of insects,

Their dark, gleaming suits of armor and eldritch eyes

I’m afraid of mold,

The viral, grasping veins spreading in unseen places

I’m afraid of cordyceps,

Those poor zombified ants, their skulls splitting and flesh decaying

I’m afraid of losing my free will,

Like those poor ants

I’m afraid of needing help,

A crushing burden on already troubled minds

I’m afraid of being alone,

The encroaching darkness of my thoughts

I’m afraid of being lost,

The ghostly fog of uncertainty surrounding me

I’m afraid of being abandoned,

What did I do to make them leave?

I’m afraid of being forgotten,

Was I so mundane and insignificant?

I’m afraid of being remembered with disdain,

What did I do to hurt them?

I’m afraid of permanence,

And the relentless immutability of the past.

I’m afraid of impermanence,

Nothing ever lasts,

I’m afraid of going insane,

Being thrown in some devoid rubber room

I’m afraid of being afraid,

What does that say about me?

I’m afraid of myself,

Because I don’t know who I am without fear

And I’m afraid to find out.

My Degree of Delusion

What is beauty through your eyes? 

What is grief? Or loss? Or love?

How do the stars dance through the abyss? 

How do the waves crash against the rocks?

What stirs your nostalgia?

Do the melodies awaken your memories?

What is the heart wrenching sob of a double bass to you?

Which instrument pierces your soul?

What do you think? 

How do the chains of mental gears spin in your head?

What does hope mean to you? Or freedom?

Is there a memory that shrieks from the recesses of your mind?

What quotes bury themselves in your psyche?

What code do you live by? What hills will you die on? 

What could you ramble on about for hours?

And would you please ramble to me?

Let me uncover your wondrous mind, my love

Lead me to understand your way

I want to know what degree of delusion I live in

And the intricacies of your perception

A Brief Reflection

When I stare into the mirror

I find that I don't know the man that looks back at me

He is strange, alien

I know in my head that I am him and he is me

But I cannot find the connection. 

He shares my name

But he feels foreign, unknowable

How does he feel

I wonder,

To be trapped,

Forced to mimic

Never to be his own man? 

There is a desperation in his eyes, 

A wish to be free,

A wish that will never be fulfilled.

He is tied to me, 

Laughs when I laugh, 

Cries when I cry, 

Loves when I love 

And when I finally meet my bitter end, 

So shall he

Brothers 

Separated only by the looking glass

Destined and cursed 

To forever share the same life

May we both find peace despite this

Crosswalk

We stand at the crosswalk

Plenty have crossed before us

Plenty will after

But the light is out

The safety net is gone

Or maybe there never was one

The road is paved 

Stained with the blood of other failures

Those who hesitate

You cannot trust the cars

Only yourself

A misstep means certain death

When will you begin?

The Rabid Dog

I am the face of what you held so dearly

But deep down, 

I am changed. 

Twisted, Curled, Gnarled,

Trapped by the affliction taking hold.

My eyes, once filled with wonder, 

Are overcome with sickly rage 

My teeth, barred 

Against friend and foe alike 

My mind, contorted 

By the straitjacket of disease 

I lack direction.

I fear my treatment.

You have no choice.

I can't do it myself.

The Impostor’s Soliloquy

The facade crumbles as I start to waiver

my confidence fails

they begin to see me as I truly am

I am nothing more than another lucky bastard

I've skipped and stumbled my way through life 

narrowly avoiding its pitfalls. 

I knew nothing and now I know even less

I don't know why they haven't seen it before, 

but now 

now they will

please

save me

My failures unearthed

the rusted, degraded husk will shine through

this faulty, arrogant exterior I've built for myself 

longing

yearning

 desperate

for love

for attention

hoping

that through this deception something about my own soul would change

please please

please 

save me

but the walls crumble burying me 

to rot in the ashes of regret and grief. 

No savior will come 

I am bound to my legion of self-hatred 

and here they will find my corpse

trapped in my own troubled mind

I sob 

I wail

I plead

I cry out for help

please

someone 

won’t someone save me? 

please

please 

please 

a moment of peace is all I ask for 

please 

please please

please

please please

please please

save me

please