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                                                  Fright Night (1985)

Director: Tom Holland

I caught glimpse of Fright Night on a shelf at my local DVD merchant. I saw that it was made in 1985, and I saw that it was a horror movie. This was all the information I needed to purchase the movie. After buying it I made my way back home, not really knowing what to expect. I put the movie into the player, and proceeded to press the play button. What I had expected to be a half-bad movie turned out to be an entertaining watch. Fright Night is a perfect example of a good 80's B horror film. One of the main criteria that it especially succeeded in was that it wasn't scary at all. As any real cheese buff would know, if its scary, than it sucks. If you disagree with me than you are wrong, so don't hassle my statement. Anyway, another criteria in which this movie greatly succeeded in was its use of disgusting creatures and dramatic make-up. Not to be forgotten, its special effects was also prominent, and a  major component to its overall success.  Now, I'm not saying that these effects are "good", but simply stating the fact that they do exist in the movie...so be warned. Before I conclude my review of this film, I would like to point your attention to the disgusting vampire women in the pictures to the right. This hideous looking thing is only one of many other weird-as-shit horrors that lurk within this movie. Fright Night is not only a fun horror flick, but also a generally well-made movie. The protagonist is very likable, as are most of the other characters. If you are looking for a good movie to pass the time, than you should definitely check this one out.

Rating: 3/5 Stars

 

                                                

                             Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

Director: Tommy Lee Wallace

 "Oh my god I cant wait to see another Michael Myers film!" That is what every Halloween fan was thinking when this movie came out. This is what they thought after seeing it "That shit was fucking atrocious". Why you might ask? Well, its really quite simple. Michael Myers, the famous masked killer of the first two movies, NOT EVEN IN IT FOR ONE SECOND.  I assume the title creation went something like this, "Hey lets call this movie Halloween 3" "But Mike Myers isn't even in it" "I don't care shut up and die". For such an inexplicably random movie sequel, Halloween III is actually a rather creative idea when you look past its flaws. To make the synopsis as simple as I can, I will just say this. A company is making deadly Halloween masks, and selling them to children around the town. They give the kids the masks, and than tell them to watch a special television show on Halloween night. Once the show begins, a computer chip in the back of the mask is activated, and any child who has their mask on will have their face scorched and melted into itself. The owner of the murderous company is an old man, who seemingly wants to kill innocent toddlers for no reason. The good guy is an alcoholic detective who wants to stop the event from happening. Now that I have explained the plot, I would like to explain to you the hilarity of a certain scene. A woman in a hotel room finds one of the computer chips laying on the ground, and decides to pick it up. While laying on her bed, she is instantly blasted right in the face by a giant laser. I mean, this bitch is fucking B L A S T E D. Her mouth becomes peeled back toward the outer realms of her head. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Fortunately for me, I had the opportunity to watch the movie completely unbiased, since I already knew Michael Myers wasn't in it. In saying that, I'm not going to crush this movie with zero stars. In fact, I'm going to give it a nice healthy two stars. Though not a real sequel to the Halloween series, its an entertaining watch, and actually quite funny at some points. If you have the time, you might want to give this film a gander.

Rating: 2/5 Stars

 

                                              

                    It's Alive (1974) Director: Larry Cohen

Terrible. This movie is one of the most boring bits of film I have ever seen. I really wish I could write a nice review about it, but unfortunately that just isn't possible. It's Alive has been praised by both viewers and critics alike. Some people actually believe that this piece of shit has some positive attributes to its name. One person ventured to claim that the movie is a "huge highlight of the horror genre". This movies only highlight is its presence in the bottom of your garbage bin. If you were wondering why I only have two screen shots to the right of this page, its because I could only find two fucking pictures on the entire internet. These pathetic examples only serve to further prove my claims behind this film. To it's credit, It's Alive is not a complete loss. If you are having any trouble at all sleeping during the night, play some of this movie and you are sure to fall asleep within minutes. I have discovered many other uses for this movie as well such as a support for an off-balance chair, a coaster for drinks, or even something to beat on when you get frustrated. If you are looking for a movie full of gore and guts, than you are definitely looking in the wrong place. Stay away from this god-awful movie at all costs.

Rating: 0/5 Stars

                   Jason X (2001)

Director: James Isaac

Fucking atrocious. It was back in 2001 when I first saw the trailer for Jason X. After it finished I remember saying to my friend,  "Wow that looks terrible". I hadn't put much thought into the movie until it was released onto DVD. Unfortunately, the ridiculous idea behind the film and the simple fact that it was a Jason movie had conned me into buying it. At first glance I considered shutting the movie off, for it was one of the worst cinematic experiences of my life. It wasn't until a women's face was frozen and bashed into pieces upon a counter-top that I continued to watch. As the movie progressed, the storyline and acting failed to attract my attention, but successfully served to put me into uproarious laughter . I couldn't believe how bad the movie actually was, and wondered how it ever got past the storyboard phase. Later into the movie when everything seemed to be at a complete loss, Jason X once again proved to surprise me. It was at that point that Jason grabbed two scantily clad women, stuffed them into sleeping bags, and repeatedly smashed them together with brute force. In all honesty, I must have rewound this scene at least 5 times over before proceeding to watch the rest of the movie. As bad as Jason X was, I cant help but to admit that it holds a special place in my heart. It will remain on my DVD shelf for whenever I need a good laugh to cheer me up. As a horror fan, I wouldn't suggest this movie to anyone, but I will give it one star for its comedic effort.

Rating: 1/5 Stars