Yeah, yeah--I broke the rules.
Many authorities exhort authors to keep the number of characters to a minimum, in works large and small. Well, sorry chaps, but I wrote a lot of characters. This list doesn't even include a fair number of minor ones. There's a method to my particular madness however. Each minor character serves a role in presenting the business and life philosophies that I wrote the book to spread far and wide. They also capture the feel of a man's life, wherein some people come into it and stay, and others delight us with their presence for a time and then fade away. Or, in some cases, disappear in tragedy and pain.
Dramatis Personae:
Group Captain Aloysius St. James Spottisworth-Gack: RAF Battle of Britain pilot; young scion of the ancient Gack&Bacon Ltd. brewery. Has not ever worn matching socks since he was nine years old. A profoundly bespoke man struggling in the midst of a mass-produced, anonymous, interchangeable world.
Archibald St. James Spottisworth-Gack: Aloysius’ father and owner of Gack&Bacon Ltd. He's a warm and caring man, and bold as brass too. If he juts his chin as he's about to speak, he has something serious on his mind.
Glennis Spottisworth-Gack: Aloysius’ mother; originator of the Victory Gardens concept. She's a woman with standards, that is sure. And she understands human communication better than most of us.
Susan St. James Spottisworth-Gack: Aloysius’ younger sister.
Reginald St. James Spottisworth-Gack: Aloysius’ younger brother.
Victoria Saunterton: Gack’s love interest and eventual wife. Beautiful, brilliant—and iron-willed when it comes to what she believes to be right.
Peter Saunterton PhD: Victoria’s father; Professor of architectural history, specializing in wainscoting and boiserie.
Nancy Saunterton: Victoria’s mother; Musician who studies and performs Renaissance music on period instruments.
Lauren St. James Spottisworth-Gack: Victoria and Aloysius’ daughter, born in 1950.
Justin St. James Spottisworth-Gack: Victoria and Aloysius’ son, born in 1953.
The Pig & Trebuchet: Yes, the pub is a character, not just a place.
Group Captain Charles Lazarus: Gack’s best friend, from childhood forward. Squadron mate in 210 Squadron. Thoughtful, concerned with his community and, at times, prone to melancholy, he discovers the true value of the connections between us.
Rivka Morgenstern: Lazarus’ love interest and eventual wife. So beautiful... A remarkable athlete with a remarkably no-nonsense approach to life.
David Lazarus: Rivka and Charles’ son, born 1950.
Gavriela: Rivka and Charles’ daughter, born 1952.
Cantor Isaac Morgenstern: Rivka’s father.
Avital Morgenstern: Rivka’s mother.
General Rupert Maximillian von Trommler-Gotha: Gack’s uncle from Heidelberg. Highly decorated general in the Imperial German Army in World War I. Anti-Nazi curmudgeon. Anti-communist as well, and thinks nothing of marching on the Kremlin in 1956--all by himself. Keeps fit through such rigorous exercise that he still fits into his uniform thirty years after his military service. And, we must concede—he's half a bubble off plumb.
Wing Commander Roger Finlayson: RAF pilot and MI5 operative. His philosophy on life is summed up in his memorable phrase, “The music’s played by a madman. But we have to dance anyway.”
Flight Lieutenant John Buxomley: Gack’s squadron mate. Prone to agitation and nervousness, after the war he struggles with lonelines and alcoholism until someone helps him change his life in ways he never expected.
Gladiola Wallingford: Buxomley’s old flame and eventual wife. Owner of Purebread, a bakery which she singlehandly built up from nothing—in a most unusual manner.
Squadron Leader Kevin Whittaker: Leads 210 Squadron during the Battle of Britain. Possessed of remarkably keen eyesight, and obsessed with the cleanliness of glass in all its forms. Utterly unflappable under stress, and truly a chap one can count on.
Pilot Officer Timmy O’Brien: Youngest member of 210 Squadron at just 18 years of age. Confident around Spitfires; not so much around young ladies, until he meets one in paticular.
Lieutenant Richard Smith: Yank volunteer pilot who after the war becomes a Philadelphia dentist. Has an affectation of speaking in the slang of the American Old West. If you're airborne and you hear something like, “Yo, dabsters! I just beefed me a mudsill! And my barkin' irons ain’t even played out yet!” over the R/T, that's Smith alright.
“Sarge” Bentley: Yank B-17 gunner who has a unique way of staying in touch with home in Colorado.
Claughton Gateacre: Gack’s navigator in recon Mosquitos.
Adam Rundage: Gack’s trainee in Mosquitos and Canberras.
The Major: Enigmatic, bespectacled British intelligence officer. It is possible that the agency he works for is so secret that even saying he’s with MI6 is a front.
Vicar Grahame Henley: Gack’s Episcopalian minister.
Mary Daventry: Gack’s sockmaker.
Blaine Stannard: Homeless war veteran who finds the resolve to Start. That’s with a capital “S.” You'll see.
Burtis Greinhalm: Taciturn Master Brewer at Gack&Bacon Ltd.
Ethelda Sinclair: Accounting Chief Reckoner and Vice President of Shipping at Gack&Bacon Ltd.
Chef Garwulf Sinclair: Chef and Vice President of Starting at The Pig & Trebuchet.
Aethelric Eadstan: bartender at The Pig & Trebuchet.
Galswinth Winbolt: bartender at The Pig & Trebuchet.
Mrs. Virtue: Pillar of propriety. Proprietor of Virtue’s Candies For The Serious (Frivolous Customers Need Not Apply) in Henley-on-Thames. Stickler for the details of proper behaviour, and for heaven’s sakes when you greet her, get the time of day correct. If you say “Good morning, Mrs. Virtue” and the day has passed into afternoon, the consequences will be bloody awful.
Augustus Roundelphi: Proprietor of Roundelphi's Spectacular Shoes for Discerning Women. An enthusiastic man who knows every one of his customers by name, and whose mission in life is to delight them and solve their peregrination problems. A true Elevator of the human spirit.
Pistachio Cattilini: Uber-famous musician, entertainer, oenophile, amateur mathematician, former partisan fighter in Italy; genial bounder. Music critic Sinclair Traill, founder of Jazz Journal, once famously remarked, "Pistachio Cattilini redefines the very concept of 'showman.' If you've never partaken of Pistachio, you're nuts."
Owen Reginald Bruttenholm (pronounced, as we all know, “Broom”): Quirky, fussy, brilliant aeronautical engineer who serves as chief of deHavilland Aircraft company’s Skink Works top secret research laboratory. Tall and built like a Trollopian mailbox. Prone to making sudden movements, often quite sweeping, as he talks or works. If you encounter him, you may find it necessary to duck or take a step back to stay out of range of his gesticulations.
Alcott Whisk: Skink Works second-in-command. Tall and gaunt, a marked contrast to Bruttenholm. Exceedingly deliberate in his mannerisms and movements. It may be that he strives to direct as much of his biological energy to his brain as he can, minimizing its expenditure in all other aspects of his life. Skink Works staff refer to him as “The Wraith of Netherton.”
Mrs. Strickland: Skink Works Office Manager; a sixtyish woman whom Gack can always induce to giggle like a schoolgirl.
Tobias Nelme: co-owner of The Wain Spot.
Ponsonby Utteridge: co-owner of The Wain Spot.
Dr. Herbert Teaspoone Astatine: Epidemiologist who strives to solve the Mug Fever crisis.
Joel D Canfield: Bandleader at The Pig & Trebuchet, banjo player, brewer. Delights in inspiring people—once he is, himself, inspired.
Marcos Gaser: Charismatic lecturer on the topic of how to make a living without working for a living. Only living human known to have successfully flirted with Mrs. Virtue without being summarily expelled from her shop.
Dorothy Shapland: Beautiful, incisive and witty Visiting Scientist at The Skink Works. Gack’s favourite Linchpin.
Alabaster Prufrock Slore: RN officer during the war. Held rank of executive officer; promoted to captaincy of the destroyer Fish for a brief time.Young scion of Slore’s (It’s Beer), becoming CEO when his father lands a seat in Parliament. Dresses formally in white shirt and grey suit and tie. Sometimes takes a chance on black. Essentially, a corporation in human form.
Boswell Slore: Slore family patriarch; becomes an MP in 1951, leaving Alabaster in day-to-day control of Slore’s. Views business simply as a means to obtain the money to feed his appetite for hedonistic pleasure.
Halden Hudeler: Slore’s Chief Legal Officer and Chief Financial Officer. For Hudeler, money is the end, not the means. The quintessential company man, he is focused solely on profit and positively revels in Externalities.
Mimsy: Dimunitive, pert, yet somehow profoundly menacing public relations officer and tour guide at Slore’s.
Slore’s officers of note:
Albertson, Palmer, Baxter: Production
Williams: Marketing
Owens: Accounting
Bartholomew: Employees
*Stated ranks are highest attained by 1962.
And last but most certainly not least--
The Hapax One.
With its magnificently sculpted Rolls-Royce Gyrfalcon aero engine, its graceful Spitfire-reminiscent elliptical wings, its one-of-a kind suite of flare-cameras and advanced Morpheme missile launcher, the Hapax One is the most remarkable low-level reconnaissance aeroplane ever developed.
And she's all black.