Finding Your Calm - Opposite Action

by Sue Dolence, LCSW

It was a cloudy Saturday. My right headlight needed to be changed, so off I went to the auto shop. I picked out the headlight, gave it to the mechanic and went to pay. I took out my debit card, swiped it, and to my dismay, saw a “REJECTED” message. “What…” I thought. “This must be a mistake.” I swiped it again, and again…”REJECTED”. I paid with another card, went to my car and immediately called the bank. I knew what had happened, because it had happened to me two other times in the last six months. Someone had gotten ahold of my debit card number and had charged items. The bank, thankfully, had stopped the use of my card. But I WAS ANGRY, I mean REALLY ANGRY. All sorts of thoughts were flying through my head about how unfair it was, how my bank is not doing enough to stop this and how, this time, I would get even. I could feel my temperature rising. My jaw was tense, I felt hot and I had the urge to yell. I was on hold with my bank for what seemed like 15 minutes, waiting for the Fraud Department. I felt terrible. I knew I needed to calm down, but I was just so ANGRY! I decided to turn the radio on. The song that was playing was one I loved. It was upbeat, positive and one I liked to sing along to. I noticed, within a few seconds, that I started to feel less angry. I decided to sing and noticed that I felt even less angry. By the time the song was over…I was calm. “Wow,” I thought, “This really works!”

"This" is a therapeutic technique called Opposite Action, used to help regulate emotions. Sometimes our emotions, or the intensity of them, does not fit what is actually happening. This is more about our perception of things than anything else. I perceived that the bank is not doing their part, which does not fit the facts. The bank is doing all it can- I just don’t realize it in the moment. Every emotion has an action urge, i.e. something we want to do when we have a particular emotion. Some urges, if acted upon, will decrease our ability to be effective in meeting our goal, especially if our emotion does not match reality. For me, I was angry at the people who did this and at the bank. My action urge was to yell at the Customer Service Representative, which would not have been very effective in getting my problem solved. So, I practiced taking a time out and doing something that increased my happiness. When we find that our emotions do not match the facts, there is something we can do about it.

Some common emotions, their action urges and opposite actions are as follows:

1. Fear: We want to run away and avoid. To help with this, do what you are afraid of doing over and over. Do things to give yourself the feeling of control over your fears.

2. Anger: We want to attack. Try avoiding the person you are angry with for a short time. Take a time out, and be kind instead of insulting.

3. Sadness: We want to withdraw and isolate. Instead, get active and participate in events you find pleasurable.

4. Shame and guilt: We want to hide and avoid others. Try sharing the behavior that sets off the shame and guilt with a trusted person. Also, repeating the behavior that sets off the guilt over and over will in turn reduce it.

I was successful that Saturday in decreasing my anger and as a result, I was able to work with the bank on a solution. The next time you find yourself in a similar situation, try doing some opposite action and see if it works for you!

Susan Dolence, LCSW, is a therapist at Sunlight Center for Change who runs the Dialectical Behavior Therapy group and sees individual clients. For more information about her, please check out her bio on our Staff page.