Chapter 3
Chapter 3 - True repentance
Went out of the house
He then went in search of peace and of God. He became addicted to smoking and inhaling of addictive substances just to get peace of mind. He then decided to either commit suicide and die or live as a beggar after fleeing his house if he did not succeed in finding God. As a first step, he wanted to quit his house. Without the knowledge of his mother, he collected his clothes, took the little money he had, and left the house in the evening of a Sunday. He looked at his house, thinking about his mother and wept. With tears in his eyes, he walked towards the bus stand and boarded the bus bound for Nazareth. From Nazareth, he boarded the train for Chennai and reached Chennai. He did not know anybody in Chennai city. It was 8 p.m. From the railway station of Chennai city, he walked away to an unknown destination, shedding tears. All of a sudden, he met his old friend who studied with him in the village. He requested his friend to arrange a job for him in the city. For the night, he stayed in his friend’s house. The following day, his friend arranged a job for him in a shop which dealt in aluminum vessels.
In that shop where he was employed, he got a monthly salary of Rs.15 and a daily food allowance of Rs.2.25. The owner of this shop firm did not allow Sundarapandian to stay in his shop at night because he did not trust a stranger. So Sundarapandian was allowed to sleep at night in the open balcony of the shop. He wept throughout the night. It was very cold at night. After a month, the owner relented and allowed him to sleep inside the shop. During the nights, he used to weep seeking God. During the daytime, he was desperately seeking God.
Conviction of sin and true repentance
One day, he heard the songs of worship by some people. They clapped their hands, sang songs, beat the trumpet and worshipped God. They prayed aloud. Some people informed that they had seen God. Sundarapandian participated in this church service on a Sunday. After the worship service was over, there was an announcement made in this church that if anybody wanted to talk to them in person to know more about God, he/she could remain in his/her seat. Others left the church but Sundarapandian sat there, waiting for someone to speak to him about God. Someone came to him and asked him what he wanted. Sundarapandian informed him that he wanted to see God. Then he was informed by that man that the former should see another person who stayed in Kodambakkam. (Let us note here that in this church, there was none who could tell Sunderapandian that the latter should repent of his sins and believe on Jesus Christ for salvation. It is a pity that the same situation prevails in every church).
Sundarapandian went to Kodambakkam and met that person who was an atheist earlier and then became a believer of Christ. His name was Adinarayanan. Adinarayanan told Sunderapandian that the latter being a sinner could not see God. Sunderapandian argued that he had never committed sin in his life. Adinarayanan exhorted him to pray alone to Jesus. After some days, Sunderapandian again went to Adinarayanan’s house and informed him that he did not know whether he had committed any sin. Upon this, Adinarayanan asked him to pray to Jesus asking for a revelation of the sin in his life. On hearing this reply, Sunderapandian became enraged and informed Adinarayanan that the latter also cheated him like other people in this regard. Adinarayanan retorted, “You wanted a big thing of seeing God. But I asked him to do a small thing. Why cannot you do this small thing?” Sunderapandian returned home very disappointed. He went to bed with a heavy heart and wondered as to why he could not see God. One night at 11 pm, he became very despondent and started weeping uncontrollably. His heart was broken. Tears streamed down his face. At about 12 pm, all the sins committed by him even when he was 5 years old came to his mind, one by one. He felt like someone telling him about this. He had a note book and started writing all his sins in this note book. On the dictation of that person, he filled the pages with his writings. That note book of 40 pages was filled. He cried over his sins day in and day out. He cried out while working in the shop also. This continued for 33 days. He realized that even though he was a devout Christian and attended the church regularly for 23 years, he did not know the truth that Jesus was the true God and that salvation was only through His Name. Adinarayanan preached the gospel of salvation to Sundarapandian. But still Sundarapandian did not get the assurance of forgiveness of his sins by God. (Let us note here how Sunderapandian repented of his sins).
The Holy Spirit then brought to his mind a particular sin of theft committed by him when he was studying 8th standard. At that time, he stole a 50 paisa coin from his friend’s pocket. When the Holy Spirit asked him to return that money to his friend two-fold, Sundarapandian argued with the Holy Spirit saying that he would donate that money seven fold to some beggar or some physically handicapped person. But the Holy Spirit insisted that he repaid this amount to that particular person from whom he had stolen. Then he sent the money to his friend through Money Order and wrote to him in the Money Order form seeking his forgiveness. Afterwards, he got peace in his mind.
Then another incident of theft committed by him was brought to his memory by the Holy Spirit. He had cheated a person of Rs.2.50. Immediately upon conviction he sent that money to that person. Another incident of his fight with his maternal aunt came to his mind. He had not talked to his aunt for a long time. Upon the conviction of this sin by the Holy Spirit he immediately wrote a letter to his aunt seeking her pardon. Like this, he was setting right the wrong things of the past committed by him, one by one.
Even after confessing the sins known to him, he could not get the assurance of forgiveness of his sins. He still could not see the God whom he desired.
....Ctd