Well You Can't Get To Heaven

When Moses was (When Moses was)

A little boy (A little boy)

He floated down (He floated down)

The River Nile (The River Nile)

And Pharoah's daughter a-spied him there

A-playing with his teddy bear

And when I die don't bury me at all

Just pickle my bones in alcohol

Well you can't get to heaven on roller skates

You'd slip right by them Pearly Gates

Well you can't get to heaven on a plate of glass

Cause a plate of glass gonna cut your leg

Well you can't get to heaven, in Norman's boat,

Cause Norman's boat won't even float.

Well you can't get to heaven on the SAR

Cause the SAR don't go that far

Well you can't get to heaven on the SAL

Cause the SAL goes straight to... Durban

Well you can't get to heaven in a limousine,

Cause the Lord don't sell no gasoline.

Well you can't get to heaven on Richard's bike,

Cause you'll get halfway, then you'll have to hike.

Well you can't get to heaven in a supersonic jet,

Cause the Lord ain't got no runways yet.

Well you can't get to heaven in Mike's car

Cause Mike's car stops at every bar

Well you can't get to heaven with a bottle of gin

Cause St Peter don't let them spirits in

Well you can't get to heaven in a Ford Coupe

Cause the angels all drive Chevrolet

Well you can't get to heaven in Ivor's pants,

Cause Ivor's pants are full of ants.

Well you can't get to heaven, on water skis,

Cause the angels don't like hairy knees.

Oh you can't get to heaven with powder and paint,

'cos it makes you look like what you ain't.

Oh you can't get to heaven in a strapless gown,

'cos a strapless gown thing might fall right down.

Oh you can't chew tobacco on the golden shore,

'cos the Lord don't have no cuspidor.

Oh you can't get to heaven in a biscuit tin

'cos the bottom falls out and the top falls in.

Oh you'll never get to heaven in dirty jeans

'cos the Lord ain't got no washing machines

Oh you'll never get to heaven on a ping-pong ball

'cos a ping-pong ball is far too small.

Oh I want to go to heaven, and I want to do it right,

So I'll go up to heaven all dressed in white.

Oh one fine day, and it won't be long,

You'll look for me, and I'll be gone.

And if you get to heaven before I do

Just drill a hole and pull me through

But if I get to heaven before you do

I'll drill a hole and spit on you.

Well if I get to heaven, before you do.

I'll plug that hole, with shavings and glue.

That's all there is, there is no more

St Peter said, as he shut the door

Oh there's one more thing I forgot to tell,

If you don't go to heaven, you'll go to... bed