It is human to experience the emotion of regret. But what is the best way to deal with it? That's what this article is about.
We all experience regret about something from time to time. Most (I would dare say all!) regrets about interpersonal relationships boil down to two forms when we consider their essential nature. We may regret that someone did not love us enough. We may also regret that we did not love someone enough, or express our love in a better way than we did. This is natural, and especially hard to come to terms with if the person is no longer in the body.
In terms of experiences with the world, again these regrets all boil down to two forms: I did not get enough. Or, I did not give enough.
If we think about success in career, money, fame, house, possessions, etc, they all boil down to one of these two forms: I did not get enough for what I put in, or I did not give enough for what I got (although this is rarer and happens later in life, typically on one's deathbed).
There is a common foundation for these two forms of regret. The regret that someone did not love me enough, or that I did not get enough can be examined from its root in the three guNas. Its root is an unfulfilled desire. The root of that desire is rajas. The feeling that I did not receive enough can have its root in tamas, or it could be a valid perspective that has its root in sattva also.
The other form of regret--that I did not love enough, or did not express my love in a better way, or that I did not give enough for what I got--also has its root in rajas but it can be a sAttvic regret; or it could be rooted in an ignorant perception of the interaction and thus have a tAmasic aspect also. Therefore, both forms have their roots in the three guNas. Both have to be understood on the path to spiritual growth in such a way that one can live one's life skilfully in the world.
The true yogi or vedAntin or tAntrik siddha has learned how to skillfully deal with regrets. The key to this is not by suppressing or repressing regrets that arise. It is attained by examining regrets as they arise and recognizing their root and their cause. Then by bringing the mind to a state of calm by the wisdom gained by sAttvic buddhi, the aspiring yogi or vedAntin or tAntrik siddha deals with regrets so skillfully that they appear to be unmoved by regrets. The repeated practice of samAdhi, if attained, also burns the seeds of desire that lie at the root of regret.
From a more practical worldly viewpoint, we can examine the purpose of regret. Regret is not entirely useless. It can serve a good purpose in our human life if we know how to use it to our advantage.
The first step is to not deny its existence. Acknowledge that as a human we are all bound to feel regret at some time. Regret about our own behavior can be a useful reminder to improve our interactions with others and the world around us.
In terms of relationships, we have to acknowledge the validity of our perspective and also its limitation. In other words, it could be true in some limited sense that we did not receive love from someone. However, our perception is not the entire truth. We can learn from our past experience and the feeling of regret. It can inform how we approach the same relationship, or other relationships, both in the present moment and in the future. We have a choice as to how we will react to that feeling now, and in the future. We can adjust our expectations and also recalibrate our behavior to reduce feelings of regret in the future.
The main thing is to not dwell on the past and on regret, once the essential lesson has been extracted from that reflection. In relationships the essential learning seems to be to love more, but also to love more skillfully (directing our love to more sAttvic people and reposing our trust in them, while avoiding more rajo-tAmasic people), and with less expectation.
In interactions with the world, it is to be more skillful in choosing what we expect from each situation (again, directing our efforts and expectations into more sAttvic environments, and expecting less from rajo-tAmasic environments), such that it does not betray our expectation.
The common theme is recalibrating our expectation to the situation so that we are not unduly disappointed when they are not met, or unduly excited or overwhelmed when they are exceeded. The skill in doing this from the vantage of a calm and peaceful mind that is not agitated by either resignation and sorrow, or overexuberance and joy is the essence of yoga, vedAnta and tantra. It is this peace of mind that is the foundation for true joy.