Rob For President

Loyal Americans,

Thank you for your support in my 2008 presidential campaign. I was reluctant at first to toss my hat into the ring, mainly because I don't have many hats. But you, the voting public cried out for justice, leadership, and a return to the things that made this country great. I heard your cries, felt your pain, and could ignore them no longer. So I am ready and willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to lead this country out of darkness and into the future.

The grass roots campaign is off to a great start already, and YOU are an important part of it. I promise to run a hard-hitting campaign that addresses the key issues and concerns of the voting public.

To help you get to know your candidate better, the following are answers to frequently-asked questions:

Q: What do you stand for?

A: I stand for the ISSUES.

Q: What issues?

A: The IMPORTANT issues

Q: Which important issues?

A: The ones that mean the most to YOU, the AMERICAN PUBLIC!

Q: Can you give us an example?

A: Well, er, uh, sure. I promise to End Women's Suffrage. It's just a travesty that they've had to endure this long!

Q: What will you do, if elected?

A: I pledge to serve out my full term, and take the BULL BY THE HORNS, to fight for the RIGHT thing!

Q: What about all the stress associated with the Presidency?

A: I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Q: Why would you make a good President?

A: All my life, I wanted to be SOMEBODY. Now I realize I should have been more specific! I've learned that you can go just about anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. I've also learned never to argue with an idiot. They just drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. Lastly, following the rules won't get the job done!

I'm beginning to understand why people run for office. My campaign was born out of the fact that we are renovating our office area, and I "inherited" a ton of boxes and other stuff while other areas are being renovated. Part of my inheritance was the sign pictured above. It had a partial message about a meeting cancellation in 1992, and hadn't been used since, and all the other letters had been lost. So I rearranged the letters to make something readable, and the rest is history! Now the cash is just rolling in. It's a real money machine. In less than 24 hours, I had amassed well over $1.37 in cold, hard cash, and an I.O.U. for another penny.

Chads

When I found that my campaign contributions cup had been mysteriously filled with chads, I suspected it was some sort of evil plot by an (as yet undeclared) opponent. But it turned out that the anonymous donor was Pat Dodson, staunch supporter, good friend, and Accounts Payable clerk at Manheim Township! There are even some "hanging chads" taped to the outside of the cup! Who knows, if the next election is anything like this one, they could come in quite handy!

I'm quickly learning that campaigning is hard work. I recently took a brief whistle-stop tour of Fruitville Pike and stopped by the local K-Mart.... kissing hands and shaking babies. There was some sort of misunderstanding with one of the young mothers there, and so I had to cut my visit short. But I don't think she got my license plate number!

Many, many citizens have pledged their support to this worthy campaign, and I deeply thank all of you. But certain honorable constituents have gone beyond the normal call of duty, dug deep into their pockets and made substantial financial contributions to the cause. To them, I am especially thankful and proud. These are some of the champions:

At the "silver" level:

At the "copper" level:

At the "I.O.U." level:

Chads:

True American Heros, each and every one!

The New White House Cabinet?

Dave Santana, Robin Church, Tom Pontz, and Bruce Campbell

(Seated: Sylvia Godboldte & Lorna Zielasko)