Vocalists
What's the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
A female vocalist asked her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz it up'?"
Keyboard player replied, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in ? time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She exclaimed, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responded, "Well, it shouldn't be--that's how you sang it last night!"
Soprano Jokes:
If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
- The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
- Who cares?
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
- Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
- Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.
A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."
Alto Jokes:
What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- None. They can't get that high.
- Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
Tenor Jokes:
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
Bass Jokes
How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
How do you tell if a bass is dead?
- What's the difference?
- Who cares?
In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.
How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
High School Chorus Jokes
What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.