What's in Store

What’s in Store or Beating the Holiday Gold Rush

By Patricia Middleton

Cast:

Hero – Marshal Fields

Heroine – Macy Bloomingdale

Villain – JC Sears

Villainess – Penny Roebuck

Uncle – Trader Joe/Joseph Von Maur

Customer 1 – Mrs. Woolworth

Customer 2 – Mrs. Freda Meijer

Kid 1 – TJ

Kid 2 – Max

Kid 3 – Ross

Checker player – Kroger

Checker player – Menard

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

Setting: Train depot exterior, with a “Welcome to Home” sign

SOUND CUE: HEROINE MUSIC

MACY: (writing in a small notebook) Two dollars and twenty-five cents for a train ticket. Deduct that from my savings and I now have exactly…ten cents left. (aside) Traveling is expensive. (she sits on a bench) Oh mama, papa – I never thought I would take such a long journey on my own. If only I had someone to talk to.

SOUND CUE: HERO MUSIC

MARSHAL: (enters with a small bag slung over one shoulder and speaks to the audience) Whoops, I’d better take off my star. I’m going undercover to catch a bunch of dangerous outlaws who keep stealing people’s coffee. I can’t stand muggers. (he searches through his pockets) Where did I put my train ticket? I just had it.

MACY: (aside) My parents always taught me never to talk to strangers, but this one looks like he needs help. (to MARSHAL) Can I be of assistance, sir?

MARSHAL: I’m fine, I just can’t find my – (their eyes lock and there is a moment)

SOUND CUE: ROMANTIC MUSIC

MACY: Your what?

MARSHAL: (lifting his hat off to her) My ticket, ma’am.

MACY: It’s in your hat band.

MARSHAL: Oh! Yep, there it is. If it’d been a snake, it’d have bit me.

MACY: If it had been a snake, I would have fainted. (fans herself with her notebook)

MARSHAL: Ain’t you never seen a snake before?

MACY: No, never.

MARSHAL: They’re all over out here. Watch your step.

MACY: (aside, fanning harder) Snakes everywhere? (looks to the heavens) Oh mama, papa, I’ll never be able to survive on my own out here.

MARSHAL: What’s that notebook for? Are you one of them new-fangled women reporters?

MACY: Oh, no.

MARSHAL: I saw you writing in it.

MACY: Yes, I was.

MARSHAL: (aside) Drat my curiosity. It’s part of the job when you’re a lawman, but sometimes I forget how to make polite palaver. (to MACY) I didn’t mean to pry.

MACY: I’m just keeping track of my accounts.

MARSHAL: You work in a bank?

MACY: Well, no. But I do like keeping books.

MARSHAL: So you’re a librarian?

MACY: No, I’m –

MARSHAL: (interrupting) There I go, pryin’ into your affairs again. Don’t mind me. Mama always said I had a ten-gallon mouth.

MACY: It looks just fine to me.

MARSHAL: (laughs) I don’t mean that literal. We’ve got all sorts of sayin’s out here.

MACY: Sayin’s?

MARSHAL: Our own way to describe things. I’d say you were as pretty as a pie supper.

MACY: I love pi!

MARSHAL: Me, too! Which do you like better, apple or cherry?

MACY: I meant 3.14159265359…the mathematical pi.

MARSHAL: Math? Like addin’ and subtractin’ and stuff?

MACY: Adding, subtracting - fractions and polynomials. Oh, and infinity!

MARSHAL: What’s infinity?

MACY: Don’t get me started, I would go on forever.

MARSHAL: I never could get my head around arithmetic, even though (NAME OF PERSON IN AUDIENCE) tried and tried to teach me. Maybe someday you could help me with my times tables.

MACY: I’d like that.

SOUND CUE: STEAM WHISTLE, ENGINE COMING CLOSER AND SLOWING DOWN

MARSHAL: Fiddlesticks! There’s my train. I’m heading east.

MACY: Oh.

MARSHAL: You?

MACY: West.

MARSHAL: Oh. Well, take care, ma’am. Watch out for snakes. (he tips his hat and leaves)

MACY: I will. (aside) If everyone in the West is as nice as he is, it won’t be so bad.

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

Setting: Main Street of BURLINGTON. one exit leads to the Mercantile Emporium, a dingy and unkempt general store. Kroger and Menard play checkers silently upstage.

SOUND CUE: VILLAIN MUSIC

JC: (enters and, checking his pocketwatch, speaks to the audience) Where is everyone? Christmas is coming and the customers should be, too. It’s a special time of year – when I make more money than ever selling trinkets they’ll toss after a week! (evil laugh)

MEIJER: (enters) Hey, JC!

JC: Mr. Sears.

MEIJER: No, it’s Freda Meijer. You’re Mr. Sears.

JC: Remember that.

MEIJER: Ain’t forgot it yet. (ROSS, TJ and MAX enter and run into the store) Anyhow, the train just came in and dropped off a shipment for you. It had some words in Spanish on it.

JC: Thank you, Mrs. Meijer.

MEIJER: No problem, JC. (exits)

JC: (aside) I buy items from Mexico. That way, I don’t pay so much. (exits)

(ROSS, TJ and MAX run out of the general store, with PENNY rushing after them)

PENNY: Hey! Stop!

(The kids stop and whirl around, hiding their hands behind their backs)

TJ: Good morning, Miss Roebuck.

PENNY: Don’t you “good morning, Miss Roebuck,” me, you little scamps!

MAX: Why not?

PENNY: Because you were shoplifting in my store!

ROSS: We couldn’t lift a store!

TJ: We’re not that strong, Miss Roebuck!

PENNY: You know what I mean!

ROSS: Not really.

MAX: Maybe we should go back to school.

TJ: It’s Saturday!

MAX: (meaningfully) We have homework to do!

TJ: (catching on) Oh, right. Bye, Miss Roebuck! (they turn to go)

JC: (enters) Hold it right there!

SOUND CUE: VILLIAN THEME

(kids freeze in their tracks)

JC: Penny, I thought I told you to keep an eye on the store!

PENNY: I did! And then I needed some beauty sleep!

JC: I can’t argue there. Now, children. Show me what you have in your hands.

ROSS: Our hands?

MAX: What hands?

JC: The ones behind your backs.

ROSS: Oh, those hands. (they guiltily bring them forward and open them)

JC: Gumballs? (makes a disapproving sound)

PENNY: Chew ‘em out, JC! (she sneakily takes a slingshot from one of the kids as JC speaks to them)

JC: I am disappointed in you. What have I told you about stealing?

TJ: It’s wrong?

JC: No, don’t get caught! Now, beat it!

(ROSS, TJ and MAX exit)

PENNY: Yeah!

JC: Another day, another dollar.

PENNY: Is that all we made?

JC: We?

PENNY: Ain’t we equal partners?

JC: I have no equal.

PENNY: Is that why I do all the cleaning and you do all the supervising?

JC: That’s right! It’s so much work, running a store! Keeping track of all the crates and barrels –

PENNY: I still think we should add ceramics. Think of it – vases, figurines, china!

JC: Who’d buy pottery from this barn?

PENNY: It was just an idea.

JC: Go mind the store.

PENNY: But it’s nearly noon.

JC: So?

PENNY: It’s time for my lunch break!

JC: I’ll break something if you don’t get back inside!

PENNY: I’m going, I’m going. (she turns, but stops as - )

SOUND CUE: HEROINE MUSIC

MACY: (enters carrying luggage, aside) What a journey! I think it’ll be a while before I take a train again.

JC: (aside) A new customer – and a beautiful one, at that! (to MACY) Welcome to Burlington! May I help you, miss…?

MACY: Bloomingdale. Macy Bloomingdale.

JC: What brings you to our fair city, Miss Bloomingdale?

MACY: (sniffing) The death of my parents.

JC: We have just what you need. Sturdy rope, heavy candlesticks, lead pipe –

MACY: (interrupting) No, they have already passed.

JC: What a shame. How did you do it?

MACY: Do what?

JC: (winking at her) Exactly. (he uses air quotes) What “happened?”