Rockers Around the Christmas Tree

Rockers Around the Christmas Tree

or

There's No Place Like the Old Folk's Home for the Holidays

Characters:

Dr. Conner - villain

Nurse Payne - his assistant

Grace Fullheart - a refined resident

Hope Fullheart - her lovely granddaughter

Nick Saint - our hero

Harold Angel - his speechless grandfather

Beth Lee Hamm - a Southern belle

Anna Partridge - fragile in mind and body

Charles Richard Noel Sr. - he was the first

Optional Extras:

Mother – a prospective resident

Son – wants the best for his mother

Note: The scenes with Mother and Son are optional.

Act 1, Scene 1

Setting: The lobby of the Gingerbread House, just before Christmas in the mid-1950s. Once tastefully appointed, the furnishings are falling apart even faster than the residents. There is a front door DL, a receptionist’s desk DR, and a hallway UC that leads to the doctor’s office UL and the cafeteria and the resident’s rooms UR.

NURSE: (yelling from offstage) Well, you ain’t no spring chicken, neither!

MOTHER: (yelling from offstage) I can’t believe this! Never in all my days have I been so rudely treated! (ENTERS, storming in with SON on her heels) I can’t believe you brought me here!

SON: Mother, please - we both agreed this was the best way to –

MOTHER: Oh, my dear boy, I certainly do want to get out of that lonely house. But I’m not coming to a place like this with a person like that!

NURSE: (ENTERS) Hey, it’s no skin off my nose, grandma. We don’t need another mouth to feed!

MOTHER: How dare you!

SON: You are absolutely right, mother. Let’s go.

NURSE: Merry Christmas!

(NURSE PAYNE sits at the desk, feet up, reading a magazine, GRACE ENTERS and crosses to the desk)

NURSE PAYNE: Ooh! Beauty tips from Marilyn (or other local celebrity)! (sees GRACE and is startled) Oh, good morning, Mrs. Fullheart.

GRACE: Good morning, Nurse Payne. (looking around the room)

NURSE PAYNE: Whatcha looking for, Mrs. Fullheart?

GRACE: I can't seem to find my pearl necklace this morning.

NURSE PAYNE: Oh, well, do you remember where you put it?

GRACE: I put it on top of my dresser.

NURSE PAYNE: Did you check there?

GRACE: Of course!

NURSE PAYNE: Well, honey, I'll keep an eye out. Maybe you just forgot you moved it. Did you get the breakfast dishes washed? And the dining room mopped? And

the laundry done?

GRACE: Yes. I must say, when we are paying good money to live here at the Gingerbread House, I'm not sure why we have to do so much of the cleaning!

NURSE PAYNE: Now, now, you know what Dr. Conner always says! An active body is a healthy body!

GRACE: True, but -

NURSE PAYNE: We're just doing our best to keep you strong for as long as you have to live! (aside) How long do these codgers have to live? Oh, well. At least they do the work and I get the reward! (pulls a string of pearls out from her pocket, swings them around, then tucks them back in)

GRACE: (checking her watch) Maybe Hope will help me look for those pearls when she gets here.

NURSE PAYNE: I'd like to help you find the pearly gates.

GRACE: What?

NURSE PAYNE: You can surely wait.

GRACE: I have tried to instill the value of punctuality in my granddaughter. To be on time is to be late, I used to say.

NURSE PAYNE: And still do.

GRACE: I beg your pardon?

NURSE PAYNE: And how true!

GRACE: Yes, indeed. It is 9:57, I fear she may have run into some mishap.

NURSE PAYNE: Or maybe a mister hap. (she taps out a rimshot)

GRACE: (after a beat) I think I’ll wait in the library. Excuse me.

HOPE: (ENTERS, breathless) Hello, grandmother.

GRACE: Hope, my dear!

HOPE: (tries to hug GRACE but GRACE takes HOPE’S outstretched hands and pats them gently) I am so sorry I am late, but the shelter was so busy today!

NURSE PAYNE: Don’t forget to sign in. (indicates the guestbook) Gingerbread House policy, you know!

HOPE: Of course. (to Grace) You should have seen the bunch we got in today, they were so cute!

GRACE: You'll never have a future working at a shelter, Hope.

NURSE PAYNE: She's right. I don't care how cute they are, if a guy is homeless -

HOPE: Oh, I don't work at a homeless shelter, I work at Tiny Tails, the animal shelter.

NURSE PAYNE: Oh. Well, that's different.

GRACE: You shouldn't be working at all. You need to settle down to a respectable life.

HOPE: What's wrong with having a job? You should visit me there. If you could just see it, I know-

GRACE: You know my allergies wouldn't allow it. Anyway, I've been feeling rather caged up myself this morning. Shall we take a turn about the grounds?

HOPE: It’s a bit chilly outside, grandmother. It is December.

GRACE: I don’t care what you say. The cold never bothered me, anyway.

DR. CONNER: (ENTERS) Nurse Payne? (notices the ladies) Ah, good day, Mrs. Fullheart, Miss Fullheart.

HOPE: Good day, Dr. Conner.

GRACE: Good day.

HOPE: Doctor, how is my grandmother doing?

GRACE: I have no complaints, dear child.

DR. CONNER: Your grandmother loves living here at the Gingerbread House, don’t you, Mrs. Fullheart?

GRACE: Well -

DR. CONNER: Well, I mustn’t keep you. Have a lovely visit!

HOPE: Thank you, Dr. Conner. (GRACE and HOPE EXIT)

DR. CONNER: I must remember to ice those steps. Nurse!

NURSE PAYNE: Right here, doc, no need to shout. I’m not old and deaf. Although I think Mrs. Partridge just turns down her hearing aids whenever I'm around.

DR. CONNER: Do you have Mrs. Fullheart’s particulars?

NURSE PAYNE: (collects papers from her desk) Right here - the old bat is worth millions!

DR. CONNER: It shouldn’t take long to convince her to sign over control of her estate to us. We deserve far more than the pittance they are paying us to live here in the lap of luxury with every comfort and convenience. (shelf falls over) Hm. I've been meaning to fix that shelf.

NURSE PAYNE: Sure you have.

DR. CONNER: I'm a doctor, not a carpenter! I deserve a fortune of my own and I have a brilliant plan to convince these old coots they are losing their minds! I’ll outwit all these nitwits - especially Grace Fullheart! She’s had a wonderful life. She and the other residents have huge fortunes that won't do them a lick of good when they're sleeping in heavenly peace. (pulls out a pill bottle) These pills I've just invented should do the trick!

NURSE PAYNE: Ooh! What do you call them?

DR. CONNER: Dr. Conner's Cure-Alls! They're still experimental, but that's what patients are for, just ask (name of local celebrity doctor)! These will give those worn-out old folks delusions, paranoia, nervous tics, and mental breakdowns! The wheel of fortune has placed my patients in jeopardy! (evil laugh)

(Motorcycle sound)

DR. CONNER: What the Dickens?

NURSE PAYNE: What is that racket?

DR. CONNER: Who would be crazy enough to ride a motorcycle in this weather?

(ENTER HAROLD, wild-eyed and rumpled, walking stiffly as if frozen)

NURSE PAYNE: There’s your answer.

DR. CONNER: Hello, there!

HAROLD: (does not respond, taking off his coat and gloves and tossing them to NURSE PAYNE, 'breaking the ice' as he does so)

NURSE PAYNE: Hey, watch it, buster!

DR. CONNER: Can we help you out, sir?

NICK: (ENTERS) Gramps, are you sure this is the right place?

HAROLD: (nods vigorously)

NURSE PAYNE: (instantly smitten) Hello! (aside) Merry Christmas to me!

NICK: I don’t know, gramps.

NURSE PAYNE: What’s a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?

DR. CONNER: I think what Nurse Payne means to say is that we are so happy you’ve dropped by to tour the Gingerbread House, Mr., uh...?

NICK: Saint. Nick Saint. This here’s Harold Angel, my gramps. He doesn’t talk much.

DR. CONNER: Ah, I see. (in a loud voice) How are you, Mr. Angel?

HAROLD: (gives DR. CONNER an exaggerated “OK” sign)

NICK: He can hear just fine, doc.

DR. CONNER: (aside) What a fruitcake!

NURSE PAYNE: (nervous giggle) Would you like a cup of coffee, tea, or me?

NICK: Uh, no thanks. Grandpa’s just looking for a nice, quiet place to retire.

HAROLD: (shakes his head NO)

NICK: He likes naps and bingo.

HAROLD: (still shaking his head NO)

NICK: And he wanted to settle somewhere with a nice view.

(ENTER CHARLES and ANNA, who uses a walker)

HAROLD: (nodding enthusiastically)

DR. CONNER: The Gingerbread House is the perfect place for you, then! Allow me to introduce a few of our very satisfied victims...workers...er...residents. This is Mrs. Anna Partridge.

ANNA: Polly! Here, Polly! Have you seen my parrot?

NICK: Er...no.

ANNA: Here, Polly!

DR. CONNER: The Gingerbread House doesn’t allow pets, Mrs. Partridge. (aside) Even imaginary ones.

ANNA: Here, Polly!

NICK: Uh...

DR. CONNER: Yes, she’s a teensy bit cuckoo, but the Partridge family made a fortune in pear trees.

CHARLES: I am Charles Dickens Noel, senior.

DR. CONNER: He is the first Noel and ran the biggest sheep operation east of the Mississippi!

CHARLES: I was just a poor shepherd, (raising his cane as if it were a shepherd's crook) but with honesty and diligence, I worked my way up from the field where I laid, keeping my sheep.

BETH LEE: (from offstage) Hello! (ENTERS.)

DR. CONNER: This is Mrs. Beth Lee Hamm.

BETH LEE: Call me Beth Lee, sugar plum.

DR. CONNER: Mrs. Hamm is of the Virginia Hamms.

HAROLD: (grins widely)

BETH LEE: We were just heading in for our luncheon. Would you care to join us?

HAROLD: (takes BETH LEE by the arm, waves bye to NICK, HAROLD, BETH LEE, ANNA, and CHARLES EXIT)

NICK: Guess that’s a yes.

DR. CONNER: I am certain your grandfather will enjoy it here. Now, as for the paperwork-

NURSE PAYNE: (bringing over a sheaf of papers) Fill these out in triplicate.

NICK: Hold up! My grandpa may be old, but he’s still sharp as a tack. He can sign himself in. He built his dessert empire from scratch.

DR. CONNER: That’s Harold ANGEL?

NURSE: The inventor of Angel’s Food Cakes?

DR. CONNER: The man whose desserts are served in every restaurant east of the Mississippi?!

NURSE: The pastry playboy?

DR. CONNER: The bundt cake billionaire?

NICK: That’s right, doc. He ships his cakes all over the country. I do special deliveries on my bike.

NURSE PAYNE: I bet you do!

NICK: For my gramps.

NURSE PAYNE: Whatever you say, honey buns. (grabbing the guestbook from the desk) Can I get an autograph?

NICK: What?

DR. CONNER: Please sign the guestbook whenever you visit. It's Gingerbread House policy.

NURSE PAYNE: (as NICK signs) I hope you visit often. You could help me deck the halls-

DR. CONNER: Thank you, Nurse Payne! Your grandfather will be in good hands with us, son! Don’t worry about a thing!

NICK: Thanks, doc.

(ENTER GRACE and HOPE)

GRACE: Are you sure you can’t stay?

HOPE: No, thank you, grandmother. I'll be back this evening, but this afternoon I'm helping Cindy Lou, who... (she turns and sees NICK; there is a MOMENT)

NICK: Hey there.

HOPE: Hello.

GRACE: The delivery door is around back, young man.

HOPE: Grandmother!

NICK: My delivery has been made, so I guess I’ll jet. Thanks again, doc. (EXITS)

DR. CONNER: My pleasure, Mr. Saint.

HOPE: Doctor Conner, who was that?

DR. CONNER: Just a young man bringing his aging grandfather to live here at the Gingerbread House.

HOPE: I see.

GRACE: Don't let a pair of puppy-dog eyes fool you, Hope.

NURSE PAYNE: Yeah, hands off, sister. I saw him first!

DR. CONNER: Don't you have some medication (he hands her the pills) to prepare, Nurse?

GRACE: I do hope you visit again soon, dear. I so look forward to our walks.

HOPE: So do I, grandmother. I love you. (again tries to hug GRACE and merely receives a hand pat) Goodbye! (EXITS)

GRACE: I love seeing my granddaughter. Without her I feel, well...

NURSE PAYNE: Hope-less? (GRACE shoots her a frosty stare and EXITS UC) Hey, Doc?

DR. CONNER: Hm?

NURSE PAYNE: Got any love potions handy?

DR. CONNER: It’s the grandfather that has the fortune, remember?

NURSE PAYNE: Money isn’t everything!

DR. CONNER: Really?

NURSE PAYNE: Okay, it’s something. But this place is getting pretty crowded! Are you sure we can pull this off? They’ll know if we're being naughty or nice!

DR. CONNER: Being nice isn't much fun - or very profitable! We’ve got to convince these crackpots that they are a bulb short of a strand and need to sign their estates over to me!

NURSE PAYNE: Hey!

DR. CONNER: Us! I will prescribe them Dr. Conner's Cure-Alls tonight! Side effects may include insanity! (evil laugh)