What a Racket

What a Racket

or

Singin’ on the Plain

By Patricia Middleton

Plot Summary: Grammy and her granddaughter, the tuneful Carrie Okie, have a farm in the town of Trouble Cliff. Saloon owner Major Lee Flatt is about to go bankrupt despite getting cheap labor from a trio of saloon girls who he lured out west with the promise of helping them start a shop. When Band Joe, the town drunk and failed musician, tells Flatt of a mysterious buried treasure, Flatt vows to stop at nothing to find it! Can Sheriff Luke Sharp help stop Flatt’s scheme and woo Carrie when he’s constantly being called away to deal with miscellaneous mishaps?

CARRIE OKIE (spunky singing heroine)

GRAMMY WINNER (Carrie’s grandmother)

BARBARA SEVILLE (an opera singer)

VIOLA (Timid saloon girl)

CALLIOPE (Tough saloon girl)

BIRDIE (Brainless saloon girl)

CLARA NETT (sister of Cora and Tom-Tom)

CORA NETT (sister of Clara and Tom-Tom)

LUKE SHARP (a sheriff with eagle vision)

MAJOR LEE FLATT (villainous saloon owner pretending to be ex-military)

BAND JOE (town drunk and failed musician)

TONY A. WARD (fastidious banker)

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

(Grammy’s house, a modest farmhouse with a good-sized garden.)

CARRIE: (Enters with a hoe over one shoulder. She sighs as she surveys the garden. She wields the hoe and sings, seeming to be making up the words as she goes.)

(To the tune of “Home on the Range”)

Oh, give me a home

Where the great singers roam

Maybe in a more musical sphere

Carrots, onions, and beets

They just cannot compete

With the sound of an audience cheer

Home, home on the stage

Where the greats of the opera play

In the fanciest dress

I won’t look a mess

And I’ll sing for all night and all day

Home, home...

GRAMMY: (interrupting) Carrie! (GRAMMY Enters.) Carrie!

CARRIE: Yes, Grammy?

GRAMMY: You’d best be getting some of those weeds hoed while you’re singin’.

CARRIE: Of course, Grammy. Singing makes the chores easier. You should try it sometime.

GRAMMY: Me? Child, I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. You may be my granddaughter, but you sure didn’t get that sweet voice from me.

CARRIE: Oh, but you’ve taught me so much, Grammy. How to sew, how to cook, how to plug a squirrel in a dead run at fifty yards, and how to grow seven different sorts of squash in our garden!

GRAMMY: You are a quick learner! You parents would be proud of you, Carrie.

CARRIE: I do miss them, Grammy. But you have been so good to raise me. I’ll put the hoe away. (exits)

GRAMMY: (aside) It’s too bad her dear parents perished in that storm. They were leading an outdoor concert and they were struck by lightning. Turned out they were bad conductors.

LUKE: (Enters.) Hello Grammy! Is that Carrie I see there by the barn?

GRAMMY: I think so, Sheriff. My eyes ain’t nowhere near as good as yours; all I can see is a squiggly blob.

LUKE: Grammy, to me, that squiggly blob is a vision of loveliness. Why, I can see the light in her eyes, and spring in her step, the curve of her shapely ankle.

GRAMMY: Sheriff!

LUKE: Apologies, Grammy. I meant no disrespect.

GRAMMY: That’s alright, Sheriff. You sure do live up to your name. Sheriff Luke Sharp. Ain’t no person in the whole county that can see as far as you can.

LUKE: (aside) If only sweet Carrie Okie could see her way to marrying me! I keep trying to declare my feelings to her, but it seems the timing is never right.

GRAMMY: Carrie! Sheriff Luke is here!

CARRIE: (enters) Hello, Sheriff.

LUKE: (removes his hat) Hello, Carrie.

GRAMMY: You two talk, don’t mind me. I’m just going to go watch for squirrels.

LUKE: Didn’t you just say you were having trouble with your vision?

GRAMMY: Well, it’s clearing up now!

LUKE: That’s wonderful!

GRAMMY: (points LUKE towards CARRIE) I can see the two of you want to talk!

CARRIE: Oh, Luke, I’m so excited.

LUKE: To talk?

CARRIE: No, silly. Tonight is the night! Barbara Seville will be singing right here in Trouble Cliff! I’m going to meet the stage and get a look at her beforehand. I’ll bet she’s awfully beautiful and glamorous.

LUKE: She couldn’t compare to you, Carrie.

CARRIE: Me? I’m just a dusty farm girl. She’s an international singing sensation!

LUKE: I like to hear you sing. But if you love her singing, I’m sure I will too. I love…whatever you love.

CARRIE: It’s nearly time for the stage to arrive. I’ve finished my chores so I think I’ll head into town. (removes apron)

LUKE: Oh, alright. (hesitates)

GRAMMY: (prods) Don’t you have to go back to town too, sheriff?

LUKE: Yeah, I do. (aside) There’s nothing wrong with her hearing.

GRAMMY: Great, you can escort Carrie on the way!

CARRIE: What?

GRAMMY: The sheriff can walk you to town.

CARRIE: But I don’t need a…

GRAMMY: (grabs the apron from CARRIE) You never know what could happen to a young lady…alone…on the open road….

CARRIE: In Trouble Cliff? I think there’s a fifteen percent chance of tumbleweeds this afternoon they’re about the only danger I’d have to - (yelps again as Grammy squeezes her arm)

GRAMMY: They’re mighty big this time of year, Sheriff. They might carry my Carrie right off!

LUKE: Well, then - (offers CARRIE his arm)

CLARA: (Enters with CORA.) Sheriff! Sheriff!

LUKE: What’s wrong?

GRAMMY: Well, goodness, Clara and Cora Nett, you’re all out of breath!

CORA: We need the Sheriff. Little Tom-Tom is stuck in a tree!

CARRIE: Is Tom-Tom a cat?

CLARA: No, he’s our brother. He’s only four years old!

GRAMMY: Why’d he climb a tree?

CORA: I told him it was time to take a nap. He didn’t want to, so he climbed a tree to get away from me and now he’s stuck up there!

LUKE: I’ll rescue the tyke!

GRAMMY: Oh, he’ll come down when he gets hungry, besides, Sheriff....Carrie is waiting to...

LUKE: Not now, Grammy. Duty calls. A sheriff must uphold the law when there’s someone resisting a rest! (LUKE, CORA and CLARA exit.)

GRAMMY: Fiddlesticks!

CARRIE: That’s alright, Grammy. I’ll be fine on my own. (exits)

GRAMMY: On her own. I do hope she won’t be on her own forever. I’d like to see her settled before I get my halo and harp. I’ve put away a little something for her dowry…if I could only remember where I put it! This getting’ older stuff is for the birds!

SCENE TWO

(Town street/saloon exterior.)

(Dance number with VIOLA, BIRDIE, and CALLIOPE. BAND JOE is the only person watching. Enter FLATT.)

FLATT: (proudly wears a military-style uniform) Come one, come all to the Flat Broke Saloon! I’m your convivial host, Major Lee Flatt. Drinks are just twenty-five cents each, or for my brothers in uniform, they’re three for a dollar! Ah, I remember the good old days on the battlefields.

JOE: Were you really in the army?

FLATT: You doubt me? How dare you? I fought bravely at the battle of…um...Big Little French Horn, I won this medal at the Battle of Ferry’s Harp, and I got this scar at the Battle of the Bands!

BIRDIE: My goodness!

CALLIOPE: This sounds like drunk history.

VIOLA: Are we sure he wasn’t a drum major?

FLATT: Come one, come all! (notices JOE) I guess it really is “come one, come all” today. Blast! (aside) The mortgage payment on the saloon is due to the bank by five o’clock today! I must find some way to pay it, or I’ll lose my shirt! (to the SALOON GIRLS) Where are all the customers?

JOE: I’m still here, Flatt!

FLATT: I’m not counting you, Band Joe. You’re always here. I can’t make money on just one customer!

BIRDIE: You haven’t paid us in three months!

FLATT: You’re getting room and board!

CALLIOPE: We’re getting very bored, with no one to watch us dance.

VIOLA: And anyway, we were only supposed to work for you for six months, then you promised you’d help us set up a shop on Main Street!

BIRDIE: That was three whole months ago!

CALLIOPE: Years.

BIRDIE: Three whole years ago!

FLATT: It’s not my fault! Who knew it’d cost so much to feed and house the three of you? I’m perfectly happy to help set up your little business just as soon as you’ve paid off your keep and the tickets west and the other incidental expenses you’ve incurred. Soap, stockings, needles and thread! It all adds up! I’ve invested heavily in you three, hoping for decent dancers but you’re definitely a sight for sore eyes. Can’t you come up with something different? Something fresh for our patrons? A new routine?

VIOLA: A new routine? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

FLATT: You’re all oxymorons! I must find a way to get more money, and soon!

JOE: (hiccups) If only I could find that gold!

FLATT: What are you talking about?

JOE: Ain’t you never heard of The Legend?

FLATT: No, I haven’t.

JOE: Oh.

FLATT: Well?

JOE: Well?

FLATT: Tell me the story!

JOE: What story?

FLATT: The legend!

JOE: Oh, that was the name of my band.

FLATT: You were in a band?

JOE: Sure, why do you think they call me “Band Joe”?

FLATT: Right. And your band was called…The Legend?

JOE: Yep, it was a three piece band.

FLATT: Let me guess: banjo, piano, and fiddle?

JOE: No, just the banjo.

FLATT: But you said you were a three-piece band!

JOE: Yeah, I only knew three pieces!

FLATT: So what happened?

JOE: Well, I tried to write a drinking song but I couldn’t get past the first couple of bars.

FLATT: About the gold!

JOE: Oh, that’s a good story! I went all the way to the big city with my band. I stood on a street corner and when I played my tunes, the nickels came flyin’ in! Folks just threw money at me!

FLATT: You played that well?

JOE: No, they were payin’ me to stop! Well sir, after a few months I had quite the bundle saved up and I never did trust the banks, so I decided to invest in antique rare books.

FLATT: Can you even read?

JOE: Shore, I can! I love “The Hunchback of No Tree Dame”, “Great Exportations”, even “Crime and Punishment”. I never did figure out if readin’ that book was a crime or a punishment, though...

FLATT: (grabs JOE by the front of his shirt) Get to the point!

JOE: Well, one of the books I bought was a novel about a fell who had a secret garden. It didn't have much of a plot. (as FLATT threatens him again) But it did have a piece of paper folded up inside with a riddle that leads to gold!

FLATT: What did it say?

JOE: It didn’t say anything, you had to read it! (FLATT raises a fist) I don’t remember, honest! Isn’t that why people write things down, to remember them?

FLATT: I suppose. And you’ve never tried to find this gold yourself?

JOE: I cain’t figure out the riddle to know where to look!

FLATT: Hm, you may have a point there. You’re just not smart enough! Thankfully, I am! (Evil laugh)

CARRIE: (Enters and sings.)

(To the tune of “Sweet Betsy From Pike”)

Did you ever hear tell of such fortune and fame

Of an opera singer who’s won great acclaim

In minutes she’ll be here, right in Trouble Cliff

Your sleeve should not be used as a handkerchief

Singin’ too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-oo-ra-li-ay.

(spoken) Good afternoon Band Joe.

JOE: (doffs his hat) Afternoon, Miss Carrie.

CARRIE: And good day to you, Mr. Flatt.

FLATT: That’s Major Flatt, Miss Okie. What brings a beautiful creature such as yourself to town today?

CARRIE: I’m meeting the stage. Barbara Seville is coming to sing for us tonight!

FLATT: Blast…even more competition for customers.

CARRIE: Is that her? (ALL strain to look)

CALLIOPE: Nope, it’s just a tumbleweed.

CARRIE: (disappointed) Oh.

TONY: (enters and sees the group staring into the distance) Well, this is quite a sight. I guess some people have nothing better to do than stand around all day.

CARRIE: Oh, Mr. Ward! Did you know that Barbara Seville is…

TONY: Yes, I know. I’m meeting her stage. Why are the rest of you are lollygagging about the street in the middle of the day?

(ALL ad-lib excuses but stay put.)

TONY: And while I have the opportunity Flatt, may I remind you that your -

FLATT: (Interrupting) Now, now, Mr. Ward, let’s not talk business in the middle of the street, in front of the ladies.

BIRDIE: Oh, give us some credit.

FLATT: Shut up!

TONY: As you wish, Mr. Flatt, but…you must face the music by five o’clock.

FLATT: (laughs) Not to worry, Mr. Ward. I’ll pay the piper. (aside) Once I get my hands on that gold!

TONY: (pulls out his pocketwatch) Hm, the stagecoach is running late.

CARRIE: Isn’t it due in at three?

TONY: Indeed. It is now thirty seconds late.

VIOLA: You really are ahead of your time, Mr. Ward.

TONY: A banker needs to conduct himself with precision.

CARRIE: Wait! I see it! There’s the stage! (sound effects indicate the stage’s arrival)

(ALL ad-lib excitement)

JOE: (whistles) That’s quite the fancy lady!

BARBARA: (makes a grand entrance, ALL clap) Bonjour, mes amis! You are so very kind! (she takes a bow, sign autographs for the audience, poses for pictures, etc.)

FLATT: May I say, madam, you are a symphony of sweetness, a chorus of kindness, and a lyric of loveliness!

BARBARA: You may.

FLATT: May I offer you the hospitality of my…er…business establishment? We always appreciate the arts and many of our patrons have been musicians.

JOE: (sniffs) That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me!

FLATT: (aside to JOE) Well, you are a “has-been”. (offers BARBARA his arm) Shall we?

BARBARA: Oh, no thank you. I’m sure it’s fine, but Tony…I mean, Mr. Ward…has already made arrangements for me.

TONY: Yes, I have. We’re running behind schedule though…

BARBARA: (laughs) Oh, pish-posh! You always were too serious about your schedules.

TONY: (stiffly) In order to maximize the efficiency of one’s day…

BARBARA: One cannot stop and smell the roses being overly efficient, Mr. Ward.

TONY: One cannot waste time on such frivolous pursuits, Miss Seville.

BARBARA: You always thought my singing was frivolous!

TONY: At least you can sing for your supper!

BARBARA: I never could measure up to you, could I?

TONY: I didn’t say that. I said you never would!

BARBARA: (gasps) How dare you? I am an artiste!

TONY: That’s not exactly noteworthy!

BARBARA: (starts to retort, then notices everyone watching and laughs nervously) Well, my, my. I do believe I shall retire to freshen up after such a long journey. I do hope you will all attend the concert tonight? (ALL ad-lib agreement and enthusiasm for the event) Good. Now, if you would be so kind as to bring my luggage, Mr. Ward?

TONY: I assume the big one is yours?

BARBARA: (icily) They’re ALL mine.

TONY: No wonder the stage was late. Those poor horses had to tow two tons of luggage!

BARBARA: Some people don’t wear the same suit for seventeen years. (sweetly to the crowd) I shall bid you all adieu until tonight! (she makes a grand exit)

TONY: (sighs) I didn’t mean to start our reunion on such a sour note.

CARRIE: I think she’s wonderful. Have you known her long, Mr. Ward?

TONY: Since we were children, Miss Okie. She and I were what you’d call sweethearts in school. But then she was discovered and she became a star. She was able to travel the world, see the sights, go anywhere she wanted on a whim.

CARRIE: It sounds lovely!

TONY: It was horrible. I was perfectly happy balancing the books at the bank. It’s a respectable enterprise and provides a steady living, unlike her scattered, syncopated lifestyle. But I do envy how carefree she seems. Yes, we were in love once, but that was another time.

CARRIE: Time? Oh my goodness, look at the sun! I need to get home to change for the concert! Goodbye, Mr. Ward. (CARRIE exits.)

BARBARA: (from offstage) Yoohoo! Allons-y!

TONY: You’re in America, speak English! (exits)

JOE: I’ll give you a hand, Mr. Ward. (he follows TONY but is stopped by FLATT)

FLATT: First things first. Bring me that riddle, Joe!

JOE: I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.

FLATT: Bring it to me or you’ll never write another song again!

JOE: How do you figure?

FLATT: You’ll be decomposing. Get it?

JOE: (nods and gulps) Got it. (exits)

FLATT: Good. (aside) Once I get the riddle, all I have to do is figure it out, dig up e gold, and I’ll be able to pay off the saloon and perhaps have a little something left over for me. (evil laugh) I can finally get that gold-plated bugle I’ve always wanted.

CALLIOPE: (sees LUKE coming) Ooh, here comes the the sheriff!

FLATT: (to the GIRLS) Not a word to him, or it’ll cost you an arm and a leg!

VIOLA: Literall

FLATT: Don’t tempt me.

BIRDIE: (intimidated) Yes sir, Mr. Flatt.

FLATT: MAJOR Flatt!

VIOLA/CALLIOPE/BIRDIE: Yes sir, Major Flatt, sir!

FLATT: That’s better! (exits)

CALLIOPE: I don’t think he could buy his way into the Salvation Army.

LUKE: (enters) Hello, ladies. Was that Carrie Okie I saw here with you just a moment ago?

VIOLA: Yes, it was.

LUKE: (aside) I knew I should have gotten here before Flatt started his monologue. It took some time to tug Tom-Tom out of that tree.

CALLIOPE: Want to wet your whistle, sheriff? (she flutters her fan in front of her face)

LUKE: No, thank you. A sheriff must keep himself clean in thought, speech, action, and personal habits. Good day, ladies. I mean to catch up to Miss Carrie Okie.

VIOLA: What’s she got that we haven’t?

LUKE: Well, you are all fine ladies, but I must say I admire Miss Carrie’s fine voice.

BIRDIE: So what if she’s a warbler? I can sing higher than her any day.

CALLIOPE: You can?

BIRDIE: Sure, just bring me a ladder!

VIOLA: That’s not quite what he meant, Birdie.

LUKE: Excuse me, ladies. (exits)

CALLIOPE: Now see what you did, Birdie! You drove him off with your stupid joke!

BIRDIE: I thought men liked women with a sense of humor.

VIOLA: Your humor is senseless!

BIRDIE: And Calliope kept trying to steal his heart with her fanfare.

CALLIOPE: How dare you? I’ve never stolen a thing in my life!

VIOLA: You took my brooch!

CALLIOPE: You’ll never pin that on me! (BIRDIE, VIOLA, and CALLIOPE ad-lib arguing)