Christmas Castaways

The Christmas Castaways

Cast:

Isaac Cool – a capable captain

Kris Mystery – an intelligent ingenue

Gene Ghoul-Bell – an aging actor

Bob Tails – a silly sidekick

Dee Cember – an active aunt

Douglas Fir – a bespoke billionaire

Virginia Pine – a beautiful billionairess

Mele Kalikimaka – a mysterious figure

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

A tropical island, rocky and covered in foliage.

KRIS: (enters, an intelligent young lady who is both graceful and gracious, wearing a sensible hiking outfit) Boy, what a place! Palm trees, hibiscus, and plumeria!

DEE: (enters) I got the boat tied up.

KRIS: The waves are swell today! Thank you so much for bringing me here, Aunt Dee!

DEE: I knew you’d like it, Kris.

KRIS: A chance to explore a tropical island full of rare plants and flowers? It’s a botany student’s dream!

DEE: Merry early Christmas.

KRIS: It doesn’t feel like Christmas Eve, it’s so warm today.

DEE: I never liked winter. The cold always bothered me, anyway - I’m dreaming of a white sand beach Christmas.

KRIS: Look! The plantus alanticus beautimous, one of my favorites! And a mangifera indica! And there’s a (name of person in audience)!

DEE: How unusual!

KRIS: I have no idea what I’m going to give you for Christmas, Aunt Dee.

DEE: All I want is to see you enjoy yourself.

KRIS: I will! (she inspects the vines wrapped around the trees) But what will you do?

DEE: I’ve got to keeping training for my next race!

KRIS: The one to benefit seniors, right?

DEE: Yes, they’re calling it, “Jogging Your Memory.”

KRIS: I’m sure you’ll do just fine –

DEE: (interrupts) Snake!

KRIS: (realizes the thing she is holding is not a vine, but a snake, and gives a startled scream)

ISAAC: (enters, a ruggedly handsome fellow with an air of capability, and yanks the snake from KRIS’ hand, tossing it off stage)

DEE: Look out!

KRIS: Goodness!

ISAAC: No worries. It was just a baby.

KRIS: Thank you.

ISAAC: No problem. Just watch your step here.

KRIS: I will.

DEE: I thought this was an uninhabited island?

ISAAC: It is. But folks like to see it, so I bring them out on a three hour tour.

KRIS: A three hour tour?

ISAAC: On my boat, Glad Tidings. See it down there?

DEE: Can we call you Ishmael?

ISAAC: I’m Isaac Cool.

DEE: Icicle?

ISAAC: No, (slower) Isaac Cool.

KRIS: I’m Kris Mystery.

ISAAC: Why are you called Kris Mystery?

KRIS: I’d rather not say. This is my aunt, Dee Cember.

DEE: Spare me the calendar jokes.

ISAAC: I think December is the most wonderful time of the year!

KRIS: Where is your tour group, Captain Cool?

ISAAC: Not far behind. (looks off) This way, folks! The waterfall is only another mile east of here!

(DOUGLAS and VIRGINIA enter, dressed in formal wear that is ridiculously incongruous with the setting but they are unaware of any disparity or discomfort)

DOUGLAS: This is exciting, isn't it, love? The adventure of it all!

VIRGINIA: It makes one positively giddy, all this fresh air!

DOUGLAS: Just think, we’re miles from any other land!

VIRGINIA: With oodles of wild flowers and wild animals all around us!

DOUGLAS: (interrupts) Look, Virginia! (points to DEE and KRIS) Natives!

ISAAC: Uh, no, Mr. Fir. They’re tourists, too.

DOUGLAS: But they weren’t on our ship.

VIRGINIA: Perhaps they were stowaways!

DEE: We brought our own boat. (aside) Forgot my evening gown, though. (she mimics VIRGINIA) Who am I wearing?

VIRGINIA: (archly) Apparently, something from the Republic of Bananas.

KRIS: (trying to make peace) I’m Kris Mystery, and this is my aunt, Dee Cember.

VIRGINIA: I’m Virginia Pine, and this is my husband.

DOUGLAS: Douglas Fir. A pleasure to meet you.

DEE: You look familiar. (she jogs in place, then it comes to her) You’re those billionaires who own half of Los Angeles, aren’t you?

VIRGINIA: The better half.

DOUGLAS: It goes without saying.

VIRGINIA: I said it anyway.

ISAAC: (to KRIS) How do you like the island?

KRIS: It’s amazing!

ISAAC: (plucking a flower and offering it to KRIS) I agree.

KRIS: An orchidus julius!

ISAAC: Do you know the name of every flower?

KRIS: I’m studying for my doctorate.

VIRGINIA: I'd like something doctored right now.

ISAAC: You’re pretty smart.

KRIS: (she places the flower behind her ear) Thank you.

DEE: (aside) Is this love in bloom?

GENE: (enters, an aging actor who is clearly out of his element, wearing what fashionable city folk think they should wear on a beach stroll) The star has arrived! (sees no one is paying him any attention) Sorry to keep you waiting! Ahem!

ISAAC: Bringing up the rear, Mr. Ghoul-Bell?

GENE: (slick and charming) Please, call me Gene.

DEE: Gene Ghoul-Bell?

GENE: It’s hyphenated.

KRIS: Nice to meet you. I’m Kris Mystery, this is my aunt, Dee Cember.

GENE: I thought I felt a chill.

DEE: (holds up a fist) Would you like to feel something else?

KRIS: (points out a flower to distract DEE) Oh, look at this one, Aunt Dee! (KRIS, DEE and ISAAC look at the flower while DOUGLAS and VIRGINIA admire the trees and each other)

GENE: (aside) Have you ever seen anything more ridiculous in your life? Nature. Ugh. I cannot believe I am stuck on an island with sand and crabs everywhere! (points out an audience member) That one looks extra crabby. (indicating DOUGLAS and VIRGINIA) Look at those fools. I have to play nice to them since they own all the movie studios and I want a starring role!

KRIS: What a wonderful specimen!

GENE: Well, thank you.

ISAAC: I could show you more.

DEE: Maybe you’ll discover a new flower here on – what did you say it was called?

ISAAC: Three Ships Island.

DOUGLAS: That’s an odd name.

VIRGINIA: There must be a story about it.

ISAAC: I’ve heard three ships came sailing in on Christmas Day –

KRIS: On Christmas Day?

DOUGLAS: You heard three ships came sailing in?

VIRGINIA: On Christmas Day?

ISAAC: In the morning.

DOUGLAS: Say, that’s catchy.

ISAAC: They got caught in a storm. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ships were tossed. The ships set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. To make a long story short –

GENE: Too late.

ISAAC: There were no survivors.

VIRGINIA: (shivers) I’m not fond of scary ghost stories.

DOUGLAS: How about tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago?

DEE: What?

VIRGINIA: Well, it is Christmas Eve.

ISAAC: And we need to get going if we want to make it back to the mainland in time for your party.

(a rustling is heard off-stage)

KRIS: What was that?

ISAAC: I'm not sure.

DEE: Are there lions or tigers or bears?

KRIS: Oh, my.

ISAAC: Not on this island.

(rustling increases and GENE backs behind everyone, drawing out a pistol)

DOUGLAS: You may be right, old sport, but there's definitely something coming our way.

VIRGINIA: (has no sense of danger) Smashing!

ISAAC: (wielding his machete) Everyone, get behind me!

BOB: (enters, thrashing about wildly as he bobbles several canteens and backpacks. He is a rumpled character, not too bright but eager to be of help) Sorry, Skipper, that last boulder was a doozy!

ALL: (collective sigh of relief, GENE quickly hides the pistol back in his jacket)

ISAAC: This is my first mate, Bob Tales.

BOB: I’m the only mate, really. It’s a small ship.

DEE: A little dinghy?

BOB: Exactly!