mom, here is the letter that emailed out to family and close friends.
i would like to refine it and print it out
can you help me fix any typos please?
thanks
v1.0
draft 1.0
Subject: my recovery letter
Date: Wed, 4 Apr 2012 13:32:42 -0400
This is a summary of the past year for me describing my personal struggles, relapse, rehab and my ADD
I was recently discharged from the VAMC SARRTP (veteran affairs medical center substance abuse residential rehabilitation transition program) after 35 days of 'intensive' treatment.
The main thing that I learned from my stay in rehab is that I am not an addict. I am an alcoholic; I do have issues with drinking. The good news is that I pinpointed and rediscovered the underlining cause of my desire to drink; I realized that I drink to cope with my ADD. I also vicariously learned in rehab what will happen to me if I don't control my drinking; I have the full potential to destroy my life, turn into a full fledged alcoholic and I will probably end up in jails, institutions or dead. That said, I am too smart to let alcohol ruin my life. I learned lots about recovery and how to live a sober life. I fully intend to live a sober life to the fullest using the skills and knowledge I learned this past year of my life. My main thing is life is learning. I want to be a teacher. And drinking on regular bases has no place in my life.
The first thing that I want to share with you is a little about what having ADD is like. Having ADD is like having a really fast racecar for a brain. And I have problems with the brakes on my racecar. I think way too fast and about tons of stuff at once. This is the cause of the focus problem. When I say I have difficulties focusing, what I mean is whatever stimulus that I am supposed to focus on, is not stimulating enough, and my thoughts just wonder away. My consciousness is all over the place, when I am supposed to be mentally in just one place. This has been a major issue my whole life. I took medicine for this in grade school and college and it helped tremendously. I medicine is difficult to get however, and I found that drinking (self medicating, drinking alone) relieved some of the tension for a short while. However if you can imagine all the new problems that arise while drinking and driving a racecar brain, It's just a disaster waiting to happen.
I stopped drinking after a disastrous dwi I got in April 2011. I started attending relapse prevention classes at the VA. It took me a while to realize that that I really needed to be doing was seeking some kind of ADD treatment at the VA, however I was not taken very seriously and I have been on my own and untreated. I had a relapsed in December and got another dwi. This continued to propel my life into a downward spiral of destruction. My life at this point was already chaotic, unorganized and this incident really set me over the edge.
New
ADD medicine is like eye glasses saying just try harder is like saying just swint your eyes harder, all day. and so the ADD medicine corrects the mental focus problem, like eyeglasses fix your vision
Having untreated ADD, ignoring that you have ADD, dismissing the real problem, denying that ADD is real, only leads to more problems, including depression, apathy, suicidal thoughts and attempts, reckless behavior, neglect of responsibilities, and terrible self loathing and thoughts that you are worthless, wrong, broken, beyond repair and hopeless. This is not a unique situation; there are a lot of people with ADD that feel like this as a result of not fitting into the normal mold of society, and the crazy part is that ADD is not some mystical unknown problem. This is a real, genetic neurological medical condition. The best part is that there is help out there. There are treatment programs that combine life skills, coaching and a medicine regimen. I am currently untreated and receiving no professional help. Getting help with this is my number one priority. Because ADD affects every aspect of my life.
So I did end up going to rehab in Feb 2012. I ended up there because for many reasons, primarily because I ended up homeless with nowhere else to go. I did go to jail for 15 days for legal complications resulting from the most recentdwi. Going to jail was a terribly traumatic experience for me. (the actually reason for going to jail was an aggregated unlicensed operator ticket, which was a felony. My driver’s license was suspended in Sep 2011 for 90 days from the April 2011 dwi, the suspension was actually over but with the fines not paid, and I was homeless at the time, so off to jail I went). I struggled with why I was imprisoned, alone, isolated from the world. I didn't hurt anyone, and I didn't break any moral laws. I felt very alone, angry and confused. It was nice to see some friendly faces when I got out of jail to go back to court. Mike Sgt Slayon, Cpl Hazzard and GySgt Bashant were there at court when I got out, as well as my mom. To have support like that was priceless. It really helped me feel loved and just help me in so many unsaid ways. Both Mike and Sean came to visit me before I went into rehab. It's so good to know that I have people in my life that care about me.
As a side note, there is nothing more valuable than love that you can give someone that you care about. And there is nothing better that you can do for yourself than give service to others. I will elaborate on service to others later... But the basic idea is that Service to Others is the point of life.
I learned while in rehab, that drinking and addiction, while substantial problems for me, not the cause of the underlining problem.
My primary problem is ADD, and complete lack of focus, which causes chaos lot of disorganization in my life. All of the problems in my life are not that uncommon for people with ADD. You may remember how I used to fall asleep a lot, in classes, in church, in the car, wherever. That wasn't because I was lazy or tired; it has everything to do with my attention problem. If I’m not completely engaged, doing something or at least very interested in what is happening around me, my mind wonders away and the next thing that happens is I am waking up, usually to someone yelling at me for falling asleep while they were talking. I usually am unaware that I am slowly losing conciseness, until the next thing I notice is that I am waking up after missing the past few minutes, or sometimes up to an hour, not normally any more than that. I describe it as like a brain screen saver turns on when I am not super interested.
Now things that I am really interested in, for example I have been learning to play the piano, I don't have a problem staying awake and focusing on activities that intrigue me. I have been playing seriously for the past month, sometimes 2-3 hours day, and I have made tremendous progress. I am getting really good by just learning a little bit more every day. Now the things that I know I have to do but I have a hard time doing is taking care of life's business. I am so overwhelmed by all the unorganized problems in my life, big and small that I am paralyzed and don't do anything, even though I know that I have to take action and complete these projects. Some are small but a big deal, like paying the credit card bills or writing a letter to the judge. Other things are big like looking for a job, staying awake at work. These are serious matters that this medicine makes worlds of difference to me.
I have been doing my own research on ADD, and I have come to some major new (sort of new) revelations as of late about this condition/disorder/disease/gift/ability whatever you want to call it, that I have. It can be a lifelong curse or a wonderful gift, depending on how I treat it. I do need professional treatment, from a specialist that specializes in ADD. Most people JUST DON'T GET IT! Most people think that people or children with ADD are stupid/lazy/lack discipline/jokesters/clowns or just plain strange. But that is not it at all. For all those people that don't think ADD is a real thing, why don't you go pick up a science book and educate yourself, you don't know everything.
Allow me to describe what ADD is like. Are you aware of what day of the week it is? Do you have plans that you are preparing for? do you remember what you did when you got home from work last night? Or if you shut of the lights, or where you put your socks when you took them off yesterday? Simple things that 'normal' people think about are only in my mind for a faction of a second, and then it's onto something else. The only things that I can focus on without medication are things that I have tremendous personal interest in.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? answer; want to go ride bikes?
There are only two time zones for people with ADD. Now and Not Now. If I have a test to take next week, that doesn't fall into the now, so I am not worried about, not even thinking about it. It’s not until only a few days before, or possible the night before that the test encroaches on the now. Call it procrastination if you will, but the excitement of the deadline kicks in and my brain releases natural adrenaline, nature's stimulant. Then I get enough energy to double time and get some work done.
My natural state is pretty lethargic, unless I have something exciting going on. I am able to self motivate myself sometimes, but not all the time.
I need a combination of therapy and stimulant medication to perform at my best. And I want what is best for me. I want to perform my best. What is wrong with that? And if I need stimulate medication to do that, then that is what I need and want. And to anyone who disagrees with stimulant medication and says otherwise, I would like some substantial scientific proof to back up your claim, otherwise your opinion is moot. Why don't you go tell someone with clinical depression to just cheer up?
One last thing that I recently learned. The only thing that you have any control over in this world is how you react to things. You can choose to be positive and happy, or choose to dwell on the negative aspects of life. I am going the optimistic route. I can see the good in just about every situation. And I have learned a lot from all of my experiences. I am much wiser now then I have ever been in my life. I strive to continue to grow and learn and enjoy life. The best thing that anyone can do is just enjoy life. Work with the cards you have in your hand, deal with what you have been dealt. The Universe is exactly as it is supposed to be. This doesn’t mean that you can't change it. You can do anything you want with your life; all you have to do is think about it. For me, I am taking charge and going after what I want. And nobody knows me better than me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have taken the time to read this, please send me a quick reply with your thoughts and a Thank You in the subject line. I will know that you read it all the way though ( I am expecting maybe a 50 percent return, are you part of that?). I hope you got something out of this email. I am very interested in what you have to say, so please respond. ask me questions. challenge me.
I am grateful to have you in my life. Thank you for being there for me.
Talk to you soon.
-David W Coon