13. Haverstraw, NY 1854

Haverstraw was a village of about five thousand souls and thirty-six miles from New York in going up the Hudson. It is the principal place in Rockland County. The locality is agreeably enough situated, with a wharfage suitable for several steamboats. The sole industry was the fabrication of bricks, which were transported down the river, and sold in New York. [following pages are scanned LSG Berney]

The brickyards are on the shores of the river, on a sandy soil; and the clay is brought from the surrounding hills. All the workmen are Irish of the lowest type. One can see nothing more ignorant, nor more rough than these Irish. The rest of the population is composed of manufacturers and merchants, who are Americans, and of a few other foreigners who do not seem to possess the dignity of the Americans. The result was that these foreigners were poorly esteemed in this village.

I was not badly off at Haverstraw. I had enough work, and my sales were in proportion with my stock and with my knowledge as a merchant. I was really not created to be a merchant. First, I have always had difficulty in remembering people I have met, which is a serious handicap, since this prevents one from being able to speak in those friendly tones which so attract the customers.

Then, even if I know the people, I lack the affability needed, unless I find in them something on which to base it -- like science, religion, or some other point of affinity.

I didn't know either how to choose the merchandise suitable for the village. I bought the things I had sold. Instead it was the new fads which pleased. I shouldn't dare say that one must be a liar to be a good merchant, but it requires a certain craft which is not in my makeup.

I lived two years at Haverstraw, long enough to become disgusted with the Irish, and disillusioned with the American character. With their black clothes, I had thought all the Americans rich; with their quietness, I had thought them all saints. But I soon saw that they had much of falseness; and that, for all their fine clothes and their high white collars, many were in debt, and many would not pay their bills.

Seeing that in truth foreigners were not considered worthy and respected, 1 wished to become an American citizen. From the beginning I had paid for my pew in the Presbyterian Church. I contributed to the support of the minister; and I did not permit myself to drink a glass of beer or to do a bit of work on the Sabbath. Later I joined the Odd Fellows. I learned to know the men; but I did not acquire a higher estimation of human beings.

p.85 As for my moral state, this was what it was. I had no religious beliefs. My ambition was to stay at Haverstraw, and when I should have earned a large enough sum, I thought to marry -- but not to an American. I had studied them and I had made my decision.

I felt that my life should be consecrated to the advance of progress, as much as my means would permit. For the time being it was against slavery that I would work. I had a Sunday School for the negroes, in their church. There I taught them to read. 1 had several papers from Liberia. I sought to encourage the negroes to go there. I received a large number of copies of the Colonization Journal, which I gave free to all who would read them. I sought to conduct myself in a manner which would be an example of all civil virtues.

Before leaving Switzerland, I had read from Rousseau some phrases which had made me believe that the Bible might be the Word of God. My master, during my apprenticeship, and the meetings in Bioux had left their impression upon me; and when I was at Washington I had read a book entitled, "Lucile, ou la Lecture de la Bible." All this combined had given me a respect for religion; and I had a childlike confidence which told me that if the Bible was the Word of God, He would make me to know it. I thought that, in any case, good conduct would be the best, means of drawing to me God's favors.

Early in the Spring 1854, the Presbyterian minister entered my store with a returned missionary. He introduced me and soon they were speaking to me about religion. I told them that that subject had often been presented to me; but always without success.

The minister answered me by pointing to my fine regulator, and saying it was a fine piece of workmanship, and must have required a skilful workman.

"You want me to understand," I replied, "that there must be a God to create such a thing as the universe. I know that as well as you, but here is what I cannot understand, that God should have had a book written to speak to man, which many of them cannot read and yet there is no salvation for them except through faith in what it teaches and so the Indians on this continent wouldn’t have had the Bible unless the whites would have discovered the new world. Furthermore, which Bible did they bring them? So, if one can only be saved by faith, these Indians that were being massacred could not have chosen faith. ainsi les indiens de ce continent n'auraient pas pu avoir la Bìble avant que les blancs n'ayent fait la découverte de ce nouveau monde. Et alors, quelle Bible leur apportèrent-ils? Donc, si l'on ne peut être sauvè que par la foi, ces indiens qu'on massaerait n'auraient pas pu choisir la foi.

"They had the testimony of creation," replied the missionary, then added, "You are a Swiss, I see, and a Rationalist also; I am very sorry," and then they left, grieved at my skepticism. Perhaps they prayed for me afterwards.

The afternoon of the same day I saw a crowd of people running in one direction. Fearing it was a fire, I locked up my store and ran along with them. There, in front of a grocery, bathed in his blood, was an Irishman lying on the sidewalk. What a sight! In his pallid face were four bullet holes; one of his eyes was out of its orbit; the blood poured out of his wounds, and to add to the distressing sight, he heaved a breath now and then, showing life was still there. He was a drunkard. The grocer's wife, who was alone in the store, had refused to sell him drink, and enraged at her, he had seized the big cheese knife and pursued her. Her cries brought her husband who, to save his wife, had shot the Irishman, dragged him on to the sidewalk, and gone to surrender himself to the police.

I returned to the store shaken to the depths of my soul. On the way I had asked myself, "Were it you so suddenly ushered into eternity, where would your soul be?" There was no time for reconciliation with God; and what was strange, I felt the need for reconciliation; and in proportion as I approached the store, the need became so great that upon entering the store, I knelt down and asked God not to permit me to die until I should have made my peace with Him.

[Puis j'allai chercher ma Bible, que j'avais achetée de Zing et qui était dans ma malle, et je lus en divers endroits, avec un ardent desire de connaitre Dieu. Dans ce moment là, tous mes argumens tombèrent. je crus que la Bible était de savoir ce qu elle disait] Then I went to get my Bible; which I had bought from Zing, and which was in my trunk [JT: In this moment there, all my arguments failed. I believed that the Bible was the Word of God, and all that I desired, was to be found in what it said.]

and I read from different parts, with the ardent desire to know what it said [JT:God.] Some passages gave me joy; others condemned me. I prayed much; and I was so filled with the gravity of my position that I could scarcely work. When the different members of the church came into the store, I asked them many questions. I wanted to know how to have the New Birth, how to know when one was born again." No one could give me the least bit of help.

After several days, not being able to stand it any longer, I went to see the pastor. I felt that there at least, I should find the help of which I was in need. First of all I wanted to know if I were a Christian. He asked me if I believed the Bible; and I answered, "Yes."

He told me that within a few Sundays they would be having Communion; and I could join the church for that occasion. I answered, "We must first settle the first question, as to whether I am a Christian. To join if I am not, would be an act of hypocrisy". He then told me that if I were a Christian, I should wish to join the church; that one could not walk alone I answered, "See here, should you die at this moment, would you be saved? He answered me, Well, I guess so." "Why do you guess?" I asked, "Didn't the Savior say, 'He that believeth on the Son hath eternal life.'?" He said [in Eng], "The devil is so cunning, he might make me believe that I believe, as he can change himself into an angel of light. But I guess I believe."

Hearing these words from the mouth of a minister, I left, with the resolution never again to ask of man how to know God. I continued to read the Bible; and in a short time I found peace.

There I was then, happy, and each day the Word of my Heavenly Father seemed more wonderful. I was living with God more than with man. All that my master of apprenticeship had told me came back to my memory. All the while I saw about me churches whose members called themselves converted. What should one do about these churches? I began to study them.

The Presbyterians admitted as members, of slaves and even slave merchants. It was so awful that I could not see in them the body of Christ.

The Methodists had divided themselves into two bodies, because those of the North did not wish to be yoked with the infidels. Then, too, they denied the election; and of all the members of the church that I saw, there was not one who took the Word of God seriously.

Where then was the body of Christ? I thought that if I could only see those Christians of Bioux that I had seen when at my master of apprenticeship seven years before, I could ask them questions and be instructed. The desire to leave for Switzerland became so strong that I decided to go, hoping that there, I might be able to buy several things which I could not procure America and in this way save part of the money the trip to Europe would cost me. I had a friend, Del Smith, dentist, who often came to my store. I sold him one side of the store, that is, the cigars, toys for children, paper, bonbons, and other things which he could sell better than I. I knew that he was honest. I left the store in his charge.

He was to send the watches for repair to Beauron's in New York; and as for the sales, he was to render me an account of the money.