Laz vs Banks 16 Jul 2013
Post date: Aug 14, 2013 2:04:27 PM
Well chaps,
I will try to keep this as brief as John “The” Mann’s innings (more of that later am sure) but as you know, your scribe is want to waffle, so please bear with me as I dig into the recesses of my small mind to recount the tales of adventure, on what was yet another amazing evening at “glorious” Abbots Leigh.
So it was that the Laz cohorts gathered in a timely fashion, unfettered by traffic or worldly issues (or so we thought) a brief conversation between Freegard & Mann deciding on whom would skipper for the evening, lead to a somewhat boastful claim by Freegard that it was his job to “ensure that we had a ground and 11 players and this has been achieved..” Oh hubris.. Bixby (Alfa) be thy name…
Mann – whom it seems is gunning for a Noble Peace prize for fair play - was desperate to lose the toss and allow the Utd Banks side a chance to post a significant total.. and so it came to pass (well “ Saint The” lost the toss anyway)
Thus, 9 Laz players took the sun parched field.. the early season downpours a distant past.. the lush green canopy of trees the only reminder of games cancelled due to inclemency.. I mention 9 rather than the prescribed 11 as it turns out that our erstwhile 12th man ‘Umpire Dickie’ Burrans was also slightly tardy – forgoing the changing rooms and providing the spectator (the future Mrs Kaminski) with a wonderful view of a “Gentleman of Yorkshire”.. at this point we should thank Buzz for stepping up from his water carrying, 12th man duties after Laz new comer Rowlands
[ seen here at home, enjoying the lovely “cricket tea flavoured crisps” on sale at AL.. ] had had to withdraw at the last minute in another Mann-inspired form of gallantry..
To the game..
In a desirous (some would say desperate) move, the Skipper chucked the brand new cherry to Laz debutant Damo “Too many Aussie jokes” Myers – and despite not having donned his whites for over 8 years, the sporting pedigree of a proud Australian shone through from the very first delivery.. bowling with a pace and aggression not seen by Laz aficionados for many a year (Hart Mingerlover, Jonty Reice et al) the multi-lingual dynamo thundered in from the Soft ball end spitting left handed fire upon the Banks openers.. it was after the 2nd bouncer in one over that Skipper Mann (searching for those key Nobel votes) suggested to the Banks umpires that they “could no-ball him if they liked too” .. the rest of us went all English, and glanced at each other in embarrassed silence, not daring to catch each other’s eye.. (it was noted that even the ever vocal ‘keeper Freegard was silenced by this reversing of the Bodyline – will they ever forgive?!)
At the other end.. up the hill and defying his personal fitness.. the ever popular “TK Maxx” Kaminski probed and groped his way through his opening over, before calling to [the soon-to-be-sainted] Mann “can I have a rest please?” (No – came the reply)
Away we went.. some excellent ground fielding from the Laz stalwarts (clearly Mr Hansell is benefitting from his extended sojourn and domestic exercise regime) – congratulations here to RNRFU for taking his “first ever” catch.. and a fine one it was too! - As well as some mildly comedic moments.. team heart throb Sam “Guns” Cook, screaming in from the boundary to run underneath a skier from the ever desperate Banks batsman (as runs were at a premium from the Laz attack) another skier caused a 3 way fielder split that would have done the red arrows proud.. another with Buzz pointing in the direction of the ball he has just let go past him etc etc.. (Freegard missing the edge from Sam’s lovely ‘wrong un’)
But the ‘day after the party’ moment would have to go to M J Lines Esq. for his incredible dive/trip.. amazingly, Sky Sports cameras have captured the moment and Choo Choo.. you appear to be exonerated..
Although when you said it was caused by a ‘stud in the ground’ we never thought you meant JK..
A steady trail of wickets on the back of some probing bowling – Myers, JK, Clapperton; Cook; Burrans (the spin twins) kept the score well within reach, as the ever competitive Banks side began to chase runs.. Grumpy red capped former skipper (whom Mr Hansell has riled in the past) sprinted down the track in a suicidal bid to force a single.. hold on though.. it was Umpire Dickie bowling and for once (to the relief of us all) he calmly scooped the ball up, before missing the stumps and eventually running the poor deluded fellow out.. (cue sweary grumblings about backing up etc)
Wait a minute.. help is at hand.. for whom is this to the rescue!?
Well done Laz-ites for correctly guessing the arrival of Alfa himself!.. only a touch late.. and apparently having forgotten he was due to play..
So fielding only 10 players for most of the game, Laz XI restricted Utd Banks to 85.. well done bowlers and fieldsmen.. this should be easy! (ha ha)
Mann – having finished his telephone call to the Vatican – duly anointed the openers (Freegard & Hansell) to begin the chase.. and – to the amazement of the pavilion – chose the less-than-punctual Alfa Bixby at 3.. no need to worry about the rest.. this should be a cake walk.. (something that both Freegard & Hansell have been known to enjoy)..
Alas it wasn’t to be.. Freegard who’s idea of taking it easy, is to hit the ball as high in the air as possible and watch fat people run around underneath it.. was caught on the boundary by a thin man who didn’t think the ball was free food dropping from the sky..
Hansell, who’s coaching of his closepersonalfriend – Ramps, seems to have only worked one way, also gave the Banks some catching practice.. and so did the Tardy Alfa.. could this be a repeat of the “nearly lowest ever score fiasco”??? Laz needed a hero (or two) but where oh where could we find him?
Up steps our favourite Pole Dancer.. JK (TK to Umpire Dickie) laconic, popular former heartthrob and “Hairiest Teen” winner.. ably backed up by ‘Sheffield Steel’.. the aerobic pair, steadied the ship and calmed the nerves, only after RNRFU fell to one quick single too many.. having accumulated 18 precious runs - did the divine calling of “The” take the stage.. striding to the crease in an assured manner, the Skipper, took his guard, gloved the ball to the ‘keeper and strode off back to the hutch.. only to stop and look perplexed at the deafening shock and silence of the stunned Banks team (and Laz umpires) upon turning around to return to the crease, the rotund ‘keeper smashed the bails off and pronounced to our Sainted Skipper “well you’re out now..”.. Amen.
Thus, the tide of fortunes look to the skies.. and in this hour came Damo “Prisoner of the Motherland”.. all of our hopes dashed as the diminutive Southern Islander (?) missed one that kept low, but was high enough to hit the stumps.. bringing Umpire Dickie to the crease.. hat-trick ball (or did the run-out count for that? Who knew – not Skipper Mann that’s for sure..)
So all of our hopes now rested with the in-form JK and the irrepressible Buzz Lightmonth.. firstly, calmly and assuredly, Buzz dealt with the hat-trick/quad-trick ball (whilst keeping his trousers up) and saw off the Banks Pie Chuckers.. (much to JK’s relief as he was tiring from having to raise his bat..) the target now in sight.. 6 from the final over.. (the hutch was on edge – only Sam Cook flexing his biceps to any female softball player that passed, seemed calm)
A quick single.. and then the somewhat anti-climactic denouement… a wide ball, racing to the boundary.. 5 runs and a victory for Laz XI!!
Well done to all for a great effort and we look forward to seeing more of the same..
Thanks to debutant Damo whom was grateful for the lack of stick he took (considering his heritage and Australia’s recent poor sporting performances) No drama’s Damo, we’ll ‘play fair’..
Also congratulations to Skipper Mann – who ably demonstrated that it is possible to “Walk to Victory” (Stuart Broad take note)