1953-1954 Season

1. 9/13/1950 BACK FROM VACATION IN HAWAII (28:55)

SITCOM: At the end of summer, Rochester is taking it easy, waiting for Jack to return home from Hawaii, and doing his own internal monologue about how much fun he's having at home with Mr. Benny away.

Two men from the North American Van and Moving Company arrive, looking for the Colmans, who are moving out today. Rochester directs them to the proper house.

Rochester mentions getting a postcard from Jack two weeks ago. Two guys from Bekins arrive to move the Jimmy Stewarts out. Rochester directs them.

Rochester goes to the den, to practice working again, now that Jack is returning. He finds Phil Harris passed out in the den, but lets him rest. Two men from Lyons Van and Storage arrive to move the William Powells out. Rochester directs them.

The Hair Salon calls about Jack's haircut appointment. Rochester promises to send it right over.

Jack himself arrives, and Rochester is surprised to see him. Jack doesn't know why he'd be surprised, as he wrote to the Colmans, Stewarts and Powells to tell them he was returning today. Jack orders Rochester to wash the dirty laundry in his suitcase, and gives him a list of addresses to return it to.

Dennis drops by. Amazingly, Mary isn't the first to arrive, as she usually is in these home episodes! Jack is happy to see Dennis, which proves that it's been a long time since he actually has. Dennis does his routine. Jack asks to preview Dennis' song. Dennis sings "I Will Cling To You". Jack makes suggestions for changes to make to the song on the program. Dennis says his mother has vetoed any changes, having become an expert on music since working for Liberace.

Mary arrives and infers from Jack's haggard appearance that Dennis has arrived as well. Dennis talks about his trip to Palm Springs last summer. Mary is curious about why Dennis would go to Palm Springs in the summer when it's so hot. Jack prevents her from going into a routine with Dennis by asking about Mary's trip to Las Vegas instead. It doesn't work. Mary still has to know why Dennis would go to Palm Springs in the summer, so Jack falls on the grenade and asks the question for her, with predictable results.

Mary asks for a drink. Jack asks Rochester to bring some Ginger Ale, which they're out of (apparently Jack didn't get the same lifetime supply of Canada Dry that he got of Jell-O).

Don arrives, and he spent the summer in the Brown Derby (a summer resort, not the famous restaurant, but it gets a laugh anyway). Jack plugs Marilyn Monroe's upcoming appearance on his television program. Don announces that the Sportsmen have planned a special arrangement of "Diamonds Are a Girls' Best Friend" to commemorate her appearance. Since the Sportsmen themselves would sound silly singing it, Don has brought in the Sportsmen's wives to sing the song (with Lucky Strike themed verses, naturally).

Bob Crosby arrives, fresh from Honolulu. Jack says he's invited his publicity man, Steve Bradley over, to help promote the upcoming season. Steve was the mastermind behind the 1945 "I Can't Stand Jack Benny" contest, so his ideas are bound to be good. Jack asks Bob to round up the band, which Bob says may be difficult, as they all took different summer jobs.

Steve arrives, sounding a little different than he used to (he's suffering from either a cold, or re-casting). Steve has ideas to promote all the cast. He wants for Jack to be seen in public giving a $5 tip (stage money, of course). For Mary to be seen selling stockings at the May Company, and for Bob to sue the city of Spokane, Washington by claiming that he's the real Bing Crosby, and the city mixed up the birth records. Steve plans for Dennis to commit suicide (But hasn't that been done already?)

Frank Nelson arrives to take publicity pictures. Frank and Jack have their usual set-to, which Steve and Mary both insist was Jack's fault. Jack throws everyone out and asks Rochester to fix him dinner.

TAG: Jack once more plugs his upcoming show with Marilyn Monroe.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Hy Averback, Hal March

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Dorothy Collins, Frank Nelson, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Dick Ryan

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jack Benny's first radio broadcast of the season. Immediately after, he'll do his opening television show over the CBS Network. But now, we'd like to take you back to a Friday morning several weeks ago, and look in on Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills"

TOBACCO NEWS: This year's Lucky Strike commercials inform us that smoking enjoyment is a matter of taste, and taste alone. Actually, nicotine content might have something to do with it too, but anyway "Taste" is the buzzword of the year. All the independent testimonials they solicit in commercials just happen to mention this, and the lyrics to "Be Happy, Go Lucky" have been altered to integrate it. This year's non-integrated commercials are done by Don Wilson, and the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike, Dorothy Collins, who does a mix of voice and song work.

ROCHESTER SINGS: Rochester sings a filked version of "Summertime" in the opening scene.

JOKE: [2:30]

ROCHESTER: "That song sure is true. It's easy living in the summer. I've been sleeping late every morning, going to the beach in the afternoon, spending the weekends fishing with my friends. Mmm mm. I wish Mr. Benny would come back from his vacation so I could go on mine."

JOKE: [3:30] (Rochester is doing his own monologue)

ROCHESTER: "He said he was invited to a big luau, and had a wonderful time. I didn't know what a luau meant, so I looked it up. It's a Hawaiian word meaning 'Stuff yourself, the food is free'."

THE OLD DAYS:

ROCHESTER: "Maybe I ought to do a little work for a change. It's a good idea to get started doing it again. I'll go in the den and see if that needs straightening up."

[door opens]

[sound of snoring]

ROCHESTER: "Gee, Mr. Harris has been off the show for two years now. I wonder if I ought to wake him up and send him home."

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: [6:45]

JACK: "Now Rochester, take my small suitcase up to my room."

ROCHESTER: "What about the two large ones?

JACK: "They're filled with dirty laundry, you'd better wash and iron it right away."

ROCHESTER: "Yes, sir."

JACK: "And when you're done, I'll give you the names of the people in Hawaii you're to send it back to. Do a good job, willya?"

ROCHESTER: "Boss, have we got customers in Hawaii now?"

JACK: "Yes. And you'd better wash the skirts by hand. That grass can stop up the Bendix."

JOKE: [7:10]

JACK: "Gee, it'll be good getting back on the air. I always get such a thrill from the first check… program, I mean!"

CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack says that Dennis is the first cast member he's seen since the end of last season.

DENNIS' ROUTINE: [8:00] Dennis continually asks questions of Jack, and then interrupts the answers to tell Jack to hurry it up, as he's a busy man.

NOTE: The episode fades back out and then back in after Mary's arrival, probably due to the episode being restructured for rebroadcast.

CLUES TO MARY'S IDENTITY: When Mary arrives, Jack asks her for a big kiss. Considering that they aren't married onscreen, and aren't dating either, all we can conclude is that the writers intended to write a story about sexual harassment in the workplace, but didn't follow through.

JOKE: [13:10] (Mary arrives)

JACK: "Mary, Dollface, let me look at you! Gee, you look wonderful."

MARY: "Uh, thanks. Dennis is here, isn't he?"

JACK: "How did you know?"

MARY: "You look awful."

JACK: "It didn't take two minutes! Oh Mary, it's sure good to see you. Come here, I'm going to give you a big kiss."

MARY: "Oh, Jack."

JACK: "No, no, come here, let me kiss you."

MARY: "All right."

JACK: "There. How was that?"

MARY: "It'll never make the Kinsey Report."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: A reference to two famous books of the time, compiled by Alfred Kinsey, and others; "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male", and "Sexual Behavior in the Human Female". They must have been pretty dull, as everyone knows that sex wasn't invented until Woodstock.

JOKE: [14:00] (Talking about Vacations)

MARY: "Anyway Jack, I had a good time in Vegas."

JACK: "Yeah, it certainly is an exciting town, Las Vegas. I've been there a lot of times. In fact, I even lost some money gambling there."

MARY: "I know. It was on a slot machine in the Flamingo. The third one from the right as you enter the casino."

JACK: "That's right, Mary. How did you know?"

MARY: "They have a little plaque there, that reads 'Jack Benny Fainted here'."

JOKE: [14:40] (Dennis has spent half the episode trying to get someone to bite on this line)

DENNIS: "I spent the summer in Palm Springs."

MARY: "Dennis, why…"

JACK: "Wait a minute, Mary. Mary. Don't you ask him. I'll do it. Me he's already made a wreck out of. Dennis, you spent the summer in Palm Springs?"

DENNIS: "Uh huh. And I had a swell time."

JACK: "Lookit… I don't know… well, all right. How can you possibly enjoy yourself in Palm Springs in all that heat? In the summer, it gets to be 120 degrees in the shade."

DENNIS: "I was smart, I didn't stay in the shade!"

JACK: "See what I do to myself?? Mary, that proves I love you, doesn't it?"

CLUES TO MARY'S IDENTITY: [15:00] Jack says "That proves I love you," suggesting that Mary is either his girlfriend, or he's pitching for her to be.

THE OLD DAYS: At 15:00, Mary asks for a Ginger Ale, but no attempt is made to tie this into Jack's Canada Dry days of 1932-33. However, the Canada Dry Show does get a callout later in the season, in the 4-11-1954 episode.

JOKE: [15:00] (Rochester's famous parties)

JACK: "Rochester?"

ROCHESTER: "Yes, Boss."

JACK: "Would you please bring Miss Livingstone a glass of ginger ale?"

ROCHESTER: "I'm sorry, but we haven't got any."

JACK: "We haven't? Look, when I left for Hawaii, we had three cases of Ginger Ale."

ROCHESTER: "Well, it's all gone now."

JACK: "Rochester, tell me the truth. Did you have a party here while I was gone?"

ROCHESTER: "Well… yes Boss, in July."

JACK: "What date in July?"

ROCHESTER: "Just July!"

JOKE: [16:15]

DON: "There's little summer resort way up north, known as the Brown Derby. It's a wonderful place. Great fishing and swimming. Oh, and by the way, Marilyn Monroe was up there."

DENNIS: "How's the scenery?"

CONTINUITY ALERT: [16:45]. A few moments earlier, Dennis was more interested in the scenery than in Marilyn Monroe's presence at the Brown Derby, and a few seconds later he does his wolf whistle when discussing the movie "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes". So, just how naïve about women is Dennis' character supposed to be, anyway?

JOKE: [16:30]

DENNIS: "You know, I saw her and Jane Russell in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, and they were terrific! (wolf whistle)"

JACK: "Dennis, where did you see that picture?"

DENNIS: "In Palm Springs."

JACK: "Oh."

DENNIS: "That day it was 130 in the shade."

NOTE: The Sportsmen's Wives also hum a E chord when Jack addresses them.

JOKE: [19:40]

JACK: "Dennis, we know all about how busy you are, with your own TV show and records and movies."

DENNIS: "And besides that, this summer I started raising tropical fish."

MARY: "Tropical fish? That's a nice hobby."

DENNIS: "Yeah, they're delicious."

JACK: "Mary, when are you going to learn???"

JOKE: [21:00] (They've done this one before, but it's still good)

JACK: "That reminds me, Bob, you'd better get all the boys in your band together, because we'll want some pictures of them too."

BOB: "Oh, but that might be kind of tough, getting all of them."

JACK: "Why?"

BOB: "Well, during the summer, they've taken other jobs."

JACK: "Oh."

BOB: "In fact, Frankie Remley formed his own orchestra, and is appearing every night at the Cinegrill at the Hollywood Roosevelt."

JACK: "No kidding! Frankie Remley's got his own orchestra? Well, good for Frankie. At the cinema, is it? Did he get a good deal?"

BOB: "Oh, certainly. He had a smart agent. All the men in his band get scale, but Frankie signed for $60 a week, and all the drinks he wanted."

JACK: "Gosh!"

BOB: "Yeah, but the second week the hotel changed that to no drinks, and a thousand bucks a week."

SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS: [24:00]

STEVE BRADLEY: "Now we've got to get some publicity pictures, I've got my photographer waiting out in the hall. Oh, Frank! Frank!"

FRANK: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?"

JACK: "Oh no, are you the photographer?"

FRANK: "Well, what do you think I am holding up this flashbulb? A glow worm??"

JOKE: [25:00] (Frank takes Jack's picture)

FRANK: "Now, hold still."

JACK: "Do you want me to smile?"

FRANK: "You won't have to, I'll get your teeth anyway. This is an X-Ray camera."

JACK: "X-Ray?"

FRANK: "You want to make any bones about it?"

JACK: "Now, cut that out!! That settles it, Steve. How many times have I told you I don't want this photographer to take pictures of me?"

STEVE: "I can't understand it, Benny. You're the only star at CBS who has trouble with him."

MARY: "It's your own fault, Jack. You antagonize him."

JACK: "I do not!"

FRANK: "You do too!!!"

JACK: "Now listen, I've had enough out of you!"

FRANK: "Don't raise your voice to me!"

JACK: "This is my house and I'll do whatever I want!"

FRANK: "Oh, no you won't!"

JACK: "Oh, yes I will!"

DENNIS: "Atta boy! Sock 'em! Sock 'em!"

JACK: "I think I will."

DENNIS: "I was talking to him."

NOTE: Jack actually does part of the closing commercial.

TAG: JACK: "Ladies and gentlemen, in thirty seconds I'm doing my first television show, and I'm having Marilyn Monroe as my guest star, through the courtesy of 20th Century Fox, producers of "The Robe", which will soon be released in their new process, Cinemascope. Now, the television studio is six miles from this radio studio, and as I said, I only have thirty seconds. You say it's impossible to go six miles in thirty seconds. Believe me, with Marilyn Monroe waiting, I can make it. See you in thirty seconds."

BOTTOM LINE: Not a world beater, but a pretty strong season opener.

2. 09/20/53 RETURN TO PARADISE (29:28)

THE SHOW: As usual, Jack objects to Don's insulting introduction (you'd almost think they don't rehearse this stuff in advance). Jack announces that he's now thirty-eight again, and describes how his trip to the South Seas took a year off his long-time age of thirty-nine.

Jack wants to launch right into tonight's very important play, but Mary is engrossed in her latest letter from Mama. No play is too important to miss out on the latest news about Mary's sister Babe, so Jack allows her to read it.

Dennis arrives, and tries to launch right into his song before the anesthesia for his upcoming appendectomy takes effect. It turns out to be a setup for a routine.

Don mentions that Rochester left a message asking him to make like E.T. and phone home. Jack tries to call Rochester. Mabel and Gertrude are unable to put him through, but have an interesting conversation.

Don and Mary talk about the latest issue of The Women's Home Companion, which features both Jack and Mary on the cover (Mary because she's a woman, and Jack because of his walk). Dennis sings "Where is Your Heart?" Jack tries to congratulate Dennis on the song afterwards, but the anesthesia has taken effect.

Jack announces that the play is their version of "Return to Paradise", starring Gary Cooper. Mary bristles at Jack taking the Gary Cooper role, although it's not clear why (she sure wasn't going to get it). Jack argues that his experiences in the South Seas qualify him for the role. Bob backs Jack up on this, and discusses his own trip to Hawaii with the chipmunks… er, the band. Bob discusses Remley's latest alcoholic exploits, involving an imaginary little green man on his shoulder (oddly enough, named "Clyde", rather than "The Great Gazoo", as you might expect.) To test the band's musical knowledge, Jack brings up Bagby the piano player for an impromptu quiz.

Jack tries to get Don to set the scene for the sketch, but Don and Dennis are out in the hall. Jack starts to set the scene himself, when Rochester calls in to discuss his conversation with the insurance adjuster about the Maxwell's latest mishap.

Don, who must have returned during the call, sets up the scene.

THE PLAY: "Return to Paradise", based on "Return to Paradise" (1953), starring Gary Cooper, Barry Jones, and Roberta Haynes.

Jack is Gary Benny, who has just landed on a South Seas island after 14 days at sea. He meets a fat sounding native who claims to be the chief of the island. The chief puts Jack up, and after several days on the island, he meets… HER! The Chief's daughter Maeva (Mary) invites Jack to a luau, the menu of which includes Cimarron rolls. At the luau, another native offers Jack some Manischevevevitz wine. Bagby comes out and plays his drinks-dispensing piano. Four oddly familiar native warriors come out and sing about tobacco.

To try to inject some kind of plot into the plot, Jack proposes to Maeva, who balks at the idea of a royal like herself marrying a commoner.

Jack's new Hawaiian writer gets off a few lulu's that we don't understand, but which sound good. None of them advance the plot, however.

Jack proposes to Maeva again, but she dares not accept for fear of The Master. Jack resolves to speak to The Master and ask him to bend the rules for no particular reason (assuming that there even is an actual rule involved). Jack tries to telephone the Master using the native communication network. Two native operators, Leilani and Mahila are unable to put him through, but have an interesting conversation.

Jack goes to The Master's house to ask for Maeva's hand. It turns out that The Master isn't Roger Delgado or Anthony Ainley, like you'd expect. It's Dennis, who turns down Jack's request. Dennis doesn't want anybody having fun until he does, and he's not having any until his appendix is out.

Jack and The Master argue, with the end result being that Jack is banished from the island. As he leaves, he waves goodbye to Maeva, standing on top of her 200 copies of The Women's Home Companion. Jack vows to return some day, and here's hoping that he doesn't.

TAG: Jack closes out the episode and announces that he'll be there every Sunday until June 6.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Charlie Bagby

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Bea Benaderet, Sara Berner, Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, today is September 20th. And since tomorrow is the first day of fall, I just barely have time to bring you the last rose of summer, Jack Benny!"

JOKE: [2:30] (Jack objects to Don's Intro)

JACK: "Don, if I may be so bold as to criticize your facetious introduction, I should like to point out that there is nothing funny about calling a 38 year old man "The Last Rose of Summer". Now, ladies and gentlemen…"

DON: "Oh, wait a minute, Jack. Hold it, hold it. Let me get this straight. Did you say you were thirty-eight?"

JACK: "Yes."

DON: "Last year, you insisted you were thirty-nine."

JACK: "That's right."

DON: "Well then, how can you be thirty-eight now?"

JACK: "Don, didn't I come back from an ocean voyage in the Pacific?"

DON: "What's that got to do with it?"

JACK: "Well, you know that when you cross the International Date Line, you lose a day."

DON: "Certainly, I know that."

JACK: "Well, our skipper got the hiccups, and we crossed it 365 times. If some fool hadn't frightened him, I'd be thirty-seven."

CONTINUITY ALERT: In a lot of episodes, Jack describes the play they're doing that night as a "very important" one. It's not at all clear what he means, or why one play would be more important than another. Perhaps the bigger and more recent the picture that they're spoofing, the more important the play is, but it's hard to tell.

NAMES FOR MAMA: [3:30]

Jack asks "What does the White Witch doctor of Plainfield have to say?"

Mama signs her own letter as "Zsa-Zsa".

JOKE: [3:50] (Mary reads the letter from Momma)

MARY: "This letter will contain both Good News and Bad News."

JACK: "Hmm."

MARY: "Last week we watched Jack's first television show of the season. Now for the Good news. Papa finally bought us a television set."

JACK: "Well, they've got a television set, huh?"

Sunday night we sat and watched jack's television show. I liked it, but Papa seemed bored until Marilyn Monroe appeared. The repairman charged us $11 to get Papa's head out of the screen."

DENNIS' ROUTINE:

JACK: "Oh, hello Dennis."

DENNIS: "Hello. Ladies and gentlemen, the song I'm going to sing today is..."

JACK: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Dennis. You just came in. Why are you in such a hurry to sing your song?"

DENNIS: "I've got to rush over to the hospital to have my appendix taken out."

JACK: "Gosh! That… wait, Dennis. Didn't you have your appendix taken out last year?"

DENNIS: "Uh huh."

JACK: "Well, why do you want them to operate again?"

DENNIS: "I joined the Blue Cross, and I want to get my money's worth."

JACK: "Well look, kid. If you've had your appendix taken out once, you can't have it taken out again."

DENNIS: "Are you sure?"

JACK: "Of course I'm sure."

DENNIS: "Well, couldn't they open me up and rummage around?"

JACK: "Oh, stop, and don't argue with me any more. I know more about appendectomies than you do."

MARY: "At rehearsal, you couldn't even pronounce it."

JACK: "Look, "Chiss Wheeze", be quiet, will you??"

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: A reference to Mary's infamous "Chiss Wheeze Sandwich" flub of 10/27/1946.

JOKE: [6:00] Mabel and Gertrude sketch

GERTRUDE: "Say, Mabel?"

MABEL: "What is it, Gertrude?"

GERTRUDE: "Mr. Benny's line is flashing."

MABEL: "Yeah, I wonder what Gentleman Prefer Money wants now?"

GERTRUDE: "I'll plug in and find out."

[click]

GERTRUDE: "Yes, Mr. Benny. Yes sir, I'll try him right away."

[click]

GERTRUDE: "Oh gosh, Mabel. Ain't it awful getting back to work after a vacation?"

MABEL: "Yeah. Say Gertrude, where did you go this summer?

GERTRUDE: "No place particular. Once I went deep sea fishing, it was awful. I was never so insulted in all my life."

MABEL: "Well, why? What happened?"

GERTRUDE: "When we got back to the docks, some smart alec hung me up by my feet and had his picture taken with me. Imagine that guy making out I was a fish!"

MABEL: "Gee, you must have been out on that boat a long time. You sure got sunburned."

GERTRUDE: "Why? Am I still peeling?"

MABEL: "Yeah. Let's hope what's underneath looks better.

GERTRUDE: "Well, look who's making cracks about looks. Tallulah Tankhead. Anyway, I had fun, and I…"

[click, click, click]

JACK: "Gertrude! Gertrude!"

NAMES FOR JACK:

"I wonder what Gentlemen Prefer Money wants now?" (A riff on the movie "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes". Gertrude's nickname for Mabel, Tallulah Tankhead, is of course a reference to movie star Tallulah Bankhead.

JOKE: [12:00]

BOB: "You know, Mary, I was in Hawaii this summer, the same time Jack was."

MARY: "I know, Bob. In fact, I met your wife and she showed me pictures of you riding a surfboard."

BOB: "Yeah, I really went in for that surfboarding in a big way."

MARY: "Gosh, it looks awfully hard."

BOB: "Well, it is. But I practiced balancing myself, and before I left, I was able to go out into the ocean, get on the board, and come all the way into shore standing up."

JACK: "Well, that's more than your musicians can do right here in the studio. Believe me, huh!"

BOB: "Now, you look, Jack. I told you last week, the boys don't like you always picking on them."

JACK: "Oh, these boys don’t?"

BOB: "No, and I'm warning you. If you say anything about Remley tonight, he's going to sock you. That's what his psychiatrist told him to do."

JACK: "Wait a minute. Remley is going to a psychiatrist?"

BOB: "Well, he goes ever day, and he's psychoanalyzed for hours! Just the three of them, locked in a room."

JACK: "The three of them?"

BOB: "Yeah, the psychiatrist, Remley, and that little green man on his shoulder."

JACK: "Oh, you mean Clyde! Oh, he's cute."

BOB: "Yeah. Anyway, the psychiatrist explained that there isn't really any little green man there. Remley just thinks so because he drinks so much."

JACK: "Well, do you think the psychiatrist will cure him from drinking?"

BOB: "Well, he didn't get to Frankie, he's still working on Clyde."

JACK: "Gee, I didn't know Clyde drank! Anyway, Bob. That's what's wrong with your boys. That's all they think about. They never pay any attention to their music."

BOB: "Oh, not all of them, Jack. You take Bagby, the piano player, for instance. He's not like that a bit. He's very serious about his music, and he studies all he can."

JACK: "Oh, he does, huh. Well, let me show you something. Hey, Bagby!"

BAGBY: "Yeah?"

JACK: "Come here a minute, will you? He studies? He knows all about music, everything? Charlie? I'd like to ask you a few questions about music. Now, how many pedals are there on your piano?"

BAGBY: "Three."

JACK: "Mmm hmm. Right. Now, what are these three pedals for?"

BAGBY: "Water, soda and ginger ale."

JACK: "Water, soda and ginger ale?"

BAGBY: "The electric guitar makes ice cubes."

JACK: "You can sit down again, Bagby. What a bunch of guys. If they didn't have this program, they'd all starve to death!"

BOB: "Don't you be so sure! Why, a couple of weeks ago, Remley made an appearance on the Ralph Edwards show, "This Is Your Life"."

JACK: "And they dramatized Remley's life?"

BOB: "No, Clyde's."

JOKE: [15:15] (Jack had a traffic accident recently)

ROCHESTER: "The insurance adjuster was by to see you about that accident in the Maxwell."

JACK: "Oh yes, yes. That accident to my car. Did he ask you any questions?"

ROCHESTER: "Yes, sir. First he asked if you were a reckless driver, and I said no."

JACK: "Good.

ROCHESTER: "Then he asked if you were on the right side of the street when the accident happened, and I said yes."

JACK: "Uh huh."

ROCHESTER: "Then he asked me if you were exceeding the speed limit."

JACK: "What did you say?"

ROCHESTER: "Nothing, we both laughed and went on to the next question."

JACK: "Oh. What was the next question the insurance man asked you?"

ROCHESTER: "He wanted to know why you turned left after you signaled for a right turn."

JACK: "Did you explain that to him?"

ROCHESTER: "Uh huh. I told him when you ain't got a steering wheel, you've got to depend on the wind."

JOKE: [17:30] (It's like the second coming of Harry Conn)

JACK, narrating: My name is Gary Benny. I just landed on the island of Macarena after 14 continuous days of rowing. I was hungry. But that didn't worry me, because I knew these tropical islands abounded in Papayas. I never could figure out why there were so many Papayas. Because I never saw any Mamayas."

JOKE: [18:00] (In the play)

Jack, narrating: "Anyway, as I was walking along the beach, a native came up to me and said:"

DON: "Aloha!"

JACK: "Aloha."

DON: "Me Chief of Island."

JACK: "Oh. For a minute, me thought you WAS island."

JOKE: [18:40]

JACK, Narrating: "She was wearing some kind of native garment that fit her like a glove. I looked again. It was a glove. Then she smiled at me and said."

MARY: "Me Chief's daughter. Me come to take you to luau."

JACK: "Good. But tell me. Just what is a luau?"

MARY: "It is native feast with bananas, berries, pineapple, coconuts, roast pig, steamed fish, and Cimarron rolls."

JOKE: [24:15) (In the play)

JACK, narrating: "I decided to let the Master know I was coming to see him by using the jungle telephone system. The native drums.

[drum beat]

GERTRUDE: "Say, Leilani?"

MABEL: "What is it, Mahila?"

GERTRUDE: "Mr. Benny's drum is beating."

MABEL: "Yeah. I wonder what The Goon of Manacura wants now?"

I'll answer him and find out."

[drum beat]

BOTTOM LINE: An okay episode, and it's a tribute to the show that it's that good. Almost everything about this episode is formula. The letter from Mama, Remley's latest binge, a sketch with the operators, a movie parody that goes nowhere, the Sportsmen appear out of nowhere and sing, a load of bad puns (Papayas but no Mamayas, Maeva isn't as good as Frank Sinatra's Eva). It's not a bad episode. The formula is good enough to make it average. It's a show that a Benny fan can listen to and enjoy well enough. But it's not really the kind of show you'd use to try to grab a new listener.

As often happens, the weakest part of the episode is the rambling play. I'm still not sure exactly who these are directed to. They never follow the movies closely enough that someone who saw the movie would particularly enjoy the parody. I assume they're an outlet for the writers to use jokes that wouldn't make any sense in Jack's home in Beverly Hills.

On the plus side, the shtick of Bob Crosby as "The Dave Seville Before Dave Seville" is starting to work really well. In the first episode or two with Phil's boys, he almost ran away screaming, but now nothing about them seems to faze him. And in some cases, the drunk stories are actually funnier when told second hand.

3. 09/27/53 POLLY GOES TO THE PSYCHIATRIST (29:31)

SITCOM: Don, Dennis, Mary and Bob are enjoying lunch at the drugstore across the street from the studio. Mary says Jack is going to see Mr. Ackerman at CBS about a vital matter.

Jack enters and calls Rosie the Roisterer over to take their order. Dennis finds one of his songs on the jukebox. They have trouble getting exact change, but eventually manage it. (Bottom Line: Jack, who already pays $35 a week to hear Dennis sing, has to pay another nickel). On the jukebox, Dennis sings an unidentified song in a foreign language.

Everyone discusses how much they like Bob's TV show on CBS. Jack tries to wangle a guest spot. Bob only has $15 in the budget for a guest star, but that's good enough for Jack.

Dennis returns from weighing himself naked in the drugstore's phone booth.

Rosie returns with the checks. Don, Bob and Dennis (only) argue over who will pay. Bob pays, and everyone disperses. Mary goes to play golf, Jack goes for a newspaper. Jack engages in a walking monologue about the warm fuzzy feeling he got from watching Bob tip Rosie.

At the store, Jack meets The Rube From Calabasas, who's out buying a milking machine. Rube tells Jack a really old joke about an uncle who drowned in a wine vat, and it took the mortician a week to get the smile off his face. Maybe in Calabasas, that joke just arrived.

Jack meets up with Mary. Realizing that he forgot to buy a newspaper, he turns on the radio for news. Jack hears Hy Averback doing a newscast, and introducing some musical quartet who sings a tobacco-themed version of "Oh!". Hopefully it's the Sportsmen, because the thought of two tobacco-obsessed quartets out there is a bit scary. Suppose they ever met!

Jack returns home and asks Rochester to take his golf clubs to the clubhouse. Unfortunately, the Maxwell is having more funny problems which may make this difficult to do.

Jack checks on Polly, who recently tried to hatch a coconut. Jack decides that she's lonely and needs a mate. Mary suggests taking Polly to an animal psychiatrist. (And before you get the wrong idea, that's a psychiatrist that TREATS animals, not… oh, never mind).

Mary drops Jack off at the doctor's office. The psychiatrist is Hy Averback again, but now with a German accent. Hy asks Polly her age. Polly, who was born in 1894, thinks she's 39. Jack is unable to explain where she gets such delusions.

Hy decides to give Polly a word association test about music. For some reason, the word "violin" reminds her of penicillin, but it's just a throwback to this week's running gag. Somehow the test erupts into complete pandemonium when Hy mentions the word "Mother".

TAG: Back in the car, Mary asks what the psychiatrist said, and to help plug Jack's next TV show.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Hy Averback

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Sam Hearn, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Iris Adrian,

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, every Saturday morning after rehearsal, the Jack Benny cast usually drops into the corner drugstore for a light lunch. As the scene opens, all of us, with the exception of Jack, have just entered the drugstore."

JOKE: [2:30]

DON: "Hey, we're lucky, fellas. It isn't crowded at all."

DENNIS: "Yeah, we can have our regular table."

BOB: "Well, let's sit down."

MARY: "Hey, Jack must have finished his business at the studio. He's standing at the corner on the other side of the street."

DON: "I wonder what the private business was he had to take care of."

MARY: "Well, he went to see Mr. Ackerman, the Vice-President of CBS. This is the day jack is giving the network his ultimatum."

BOB: "Well, what ultimatum?"

MARY: "Either CBS gives him free parking or he's going back to NBC."

DENNIS: "Well, that'll never work."

BOB: "Why not?"

DENNIS: "That's why he left NBC in the first place."

MARY: "That's right."

[door opens and closes]

DENNIS: "Oh, here we are, Jack!"

JACK: "Okay! Sorry I took so long. Uh, what did you kids order?"

BOB: "Well, nothing. We were waiting for you."

JACK: "Oh, well then, I'll call the Waitress. Oh, Miss? Miss?"

ROSIE: "Whaddya want, Mac?"

JACK: "We'd like to order some food. Do you have a menu?"

ROSIE: "Yeah, here."

JACK: "Thanks. Now, let me see. Hey, wait a minute, this is the menu from the Brown Derby."

ROSIE: "I know. The stuff on ours would turn your stomach."

JACK: "Hmmm."

BOB: "Say, look Miss. All I want is just an egg sandwich and a glass of milk."

MARY: "I'll have the same."

ROSIE: "Okay."

DON: "Oh, Miss? Miss?"

ROSIE: "What do you want, [cap-on-boy]? [?]"

DON: "Now, wait a minute, Miss! Maybe I have to take those kind of insults when I'm on the radio, but I don't have to take 'em from you!"

ROSIE: "Gee, I'm sorry, Mac. I didn't know you were sensitive."

DON: "Well, I am. You don't have to presume I'm not sensitive just because I'm a big fat slob!"

JACK: "Don, control yourself!"

DON: "All right. Now, Miss. I'd like to order. All I want is a bowl of vegetable soup."

ROSIE: "Okay."

JACK: "Dennis? Dennis, what'll you have?"

DENNIS: "Well, let me see. Miss, do you have any Vichy soisse?"

ROSIE: "No."

DENNIS: "Well, do you have any escargot sautee en van rose?"

ROSIE: "No."

DENNIS: "Well, how about shish kebab and kreplach?"

ROSIE: "No."

JACK: "Dennis, this is only a drugstore! Why are you ordering things like that?"

DENNIS: "I want her to know I've been around."

JACK: "Stop being silly! Order something you'd get in a drugstore!"

DENNIS: "Okay. I'll have a chicken sandwich."

ROSIE: "With mayonnaise?"

DENNIS: "No, with toothpaste."

JACK: "Now, cut that out!! Miss, just bring him a chicken sandwich, that's all. Now, go get the food."

ROSIE: "Okay, Mac. I'll be back in a flash with the trash."

JACK: "Never mind, just go get it!"

[footsteps]

JACK: "You know, it's hard to believe she used to do the commercials on the Lady Esther Program. Now look, Dennis, when we do the show… wait a minute, where did Dennis go?"

MARY: "I don't know."

DON: "Oh look, there he is over by the jukebox."

DENNIS: "They've got one of my records here!"

MARY: "Well, why don't you play it, Dennis?"

DENNIS: "I can't, I don't have a nickel!"

JACK: "Has anybody got a nickel?"

BOB: "Well, I haven't."

DON: "Neither have I."

MARY: "All I have is a dime."

JACK: "I can change it."

MARY: "Jack Benny, I oughta…"

JACK: "All right, all right! Here's a nickel, Dennis, catch!"

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Lady Esther was a famous cosmetics line at the time. The line had three nationally syndicated radio programs: The Lady Esther Serenade (1931-1941). Lady Esther Presents Orson Welles (1941-1942). And Lady Esther Presents the Screen Guild Players (1942-1947). It's not clear to which one Jack was referring.

JOKE: [9:30]

DENNIS: "I thought as long as we were in a drugstore, I'd weigh myself. I weigh 140 pounds, stripped."

JACK: "Stripped?"

DENNIS: "I took the weighing machine into the phone booth."

JACK: "Look, Dennis…"

DENNIS: "And when I put in a penny, a card came out."

BOB: "What did it say?"

DENNIS: "Put on your pants, kid. A lady wants to use the phone."

JACK: "Dennis, stop already. Stop being silly.

DON: "Oh, he's not being silly, Jack. Sometimes those things just happen by coincidence."

JACK: "Oh sure, sure."

DON: "Well now, it's the truth. Once I put a penny in a scale, and you ought to see the card that came out."

JACK: "Well, what did it say?"

DON: "Get off, you're hurting me."

JACK: "Well, THAT I believe! That could happen!"

JOKE: [10:30] (a time honored drugstore tradition)

ROSIE: "Here's the check."

BOB: "Well, I'll take it, Miss."

DON: "No. No Bob, let me pay it. It's my turn today."

DENNIS: "Now, wait a minute, Don. You paid last time. I'll pay today."

DON: "No. No, Bob paid last time. Now it's my turn."

BOB: "No Don, you're wrong. Dennis paid the last time, and now it's my turn."

MARY: "Oh, for heaven's sake, fellas. Let's all go Dutch."

JACK: "Mary, it's their argument!! Keep out of it!!"

MY BROTHER THE STAR: [11:30] (Travel arrangements)

BOB: "Oh, say Don. I've got to go see my brother about something. And you pass Bing's house on your way home, don't you?"

DON: "Yeah, Bob."

BOB: "Well, would you mind dropping me off at his gate?"

DON: "Look, I'll drive you right up to his door."

BOB: "No, no, just drop me off at his gate. I'll take a bus the rest of the way."

JOKE: [12:15] (Walking monologue)

JACK: "Gee, that Bob Crosby is a nice guy. Imagine him giving the waitress a dollar tip. Gee, I'll bet it made her feel good. I got a thrill out of it and I was only watching."

JOKE: [15:00] (Radio report)

Hy Averback, on the radio: "And now for another news item. Professor Thaddeus Lambert of the University of Southern California, has found a successful solution to the smog problem in Los Angeles: He has moved to Colorado."

JOKE: [18:40] (Latest on the Maxwell)

ROCHESTER: "The mechanics are working on your Maxwell down at the garage."

JACK: "Why? What's wrong with my car?"

ROCHESTER: "Nothing, it's just time for its million mile checkup."

JOKE: [20:30] (Polly is feeling run down)

JACK: "The poor thing is feeling all alone. I think I'll buy a mate for her."

POLLY: "Buy a mate, buy a mate. Brawk!"

ROCHESTER: "Uh uh, Mr. Benny. Remember the last time you bought her a mate? You had those two parrots in the same cage for over a year, and then you discovered they were both females."

JACK: "Yeah. I wonder how that happened?"

POLLY: "Somebody goofed."

JACK: "Well, don't look at me as though I'm stupid, Polly! You didn't know yourself for over a year!"

JOKE: [21:45] (Jack goes to a vet]

HY AVERBACK: "Yes sir, may I help you?"

JACK: "Yes, are you the psychiatrist?"

HY: "Yes sir, I am Dr. Hugo Brown, a PHD."

JACK: "PHD?"

HY: "Parrots, Horses and Dogs."

JOKE: [23:05]

HY: "In addition to yourself, Mr. Benny, how many other people come in contact with your parrot?"

JACK: "Well, there's my valet, and my cast, and my six writers."

HY: "Uh huh. And what is this parrot's name?"

JACK: "Polly."

HY: "It took six writers to think of THAT??"

JACK: "Look, Doctor…"

HY: "Never mind, never mind. Tell me, how old is this parrot?"

JACK: "Well, let me figure it out. The man in the pet shop where I bought her said she was born in 1894. That would make her…"

POLLY: "Brawk! 39! 39! (whistle)"

HY: "Where does she get such delusions??"

JACK: "I'm sure I don't know…"

TAG: [27:30]

MARY: "It's a shame we missed our golf game, but maybe we can play next week."

JACK: "No Mary, I'm going to be rehearsing for my television show next Sunday."

MARY, annoyed: "Gosh Jack, are you going to be on television that often?"

JACK: "Mary, read that line the way we rehearsed it!"

MARY, chirpily: "Gosh Jack, are you going to be on television that often??"

JACK: "That's better! Good night, folks."

NOTE: All six writers are indeed credited for the episode.

BOTTOM LINE: A very strong episode. Both the drugstore scene and the psychiatrist scene click well.

4. 10/04/53 LEO AND JACK WATCH THE WORLD SERIES (28:55)

SITCOM: Jack is at home having breakfast. Rochester is trying to clean up, but Jack insists that every last scrap and dab of butter, jam, or what have you can be scraped away and used at the next meal.

Jack asks Rochester to get the chairs out, as the cast is coming over to watch the World Series.

Mary arrives. She makes a few piquant comments about the ivy, barbed war and electric fence at the Colman's house.

Dennis arrives, eager to make a bet on the World Series, but unsure as to who is playing. Jack tries to trick Dennis into a sucker bet, but Dennis turns out to be more informed than he let on. Dennis sings "No Other Love."

Bob calls and gives the latest on his brother Bing's impending visit, and discusses the difficulties that Bing's conspicuous excesses are causing. Bob tells the latest Drunkie story about Remley.

Don arrives, and is immediately challenged to a bet by Dennis. As they argue, there comes another knock at the door, and it's Leo Durocher, manager of the New York Giants. Leo didn't realize there was even a game on, so it's not clear why he's here, but Jack invites him to stay and offer his expert commentary on the Dodgers-Yankees game. Dennis challenges Leo to a World Series bet.

Don asks what happened to the Giants this year. Leo makes his excuses, as Jack invites everyone in to the den.

On television, four umpires come out and sing a tobacco-themed version of "Nobody Loves an Umpire". They do not get flagged for un-Sportsmanlike behavior, for the simple reason that they're The Sportsmen.

As the game is about to begin, they lose the transmission. Jack tries to tune in the radio, but only succeeds in getting a Rodney Quagmire episode, and a Maria Callous's Greatest Hits show. Jack finds a channel that seems to be the game, but isn't.

Leo has a go at it, and tunes in to the same shows. They finally tune in the game, where Frank Nelson is doing commentary. A whole slew of future Hall of Famers come up, as the show bleeds back over to Rodney Quagmire, then Maria Callous. By the time they get back to the game, they find that Rodney Quagmire Junior is the announcer.

Don gets the game on TV, where Scooter Rizzuto is batting, Rodney Quagmire is also announcing, and one of Leo's players is selling peanuts in the stands. Scooter lines one into center, where he is called out trying to stretch it into a double. Leo tries to argue the call with the ump on TV, and ends up smashing Jack's television, leaving Jack stuck with Maria Callous still singing on the radio. Jack wonders if one of these days he's ever going to be able to just watch a game to completion.

TAG: Amy Vanderbilt does a commercial to do damage control for comments about smokers in her famous etiquette book, and to plug Lucky Strikes (no doubt with her pinkie extended).

Jack thanks Leo for not winning the pennant so that he could appear. Leo retaliates with his own Maria Callous Moment.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Leo Durocher, Amy Vanderbilt

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Bea Benaderet, Sara Berner, Dorothy Collins, Frank Nelson, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, in exactly one half hour, Jack Benny will do his television show. But right now, let's go back to yesterday, and look in on Jack as he's having breakfast at home."

JOKE: [0:00]

[Love in Bloom]

DON: "The Lucky Strike Program, Starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingstone, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, the Sportsmen Quartet, and Yours Truly, Don Wilson."

[music up and out]

DON: "Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, in exactly one half hour, Jack Benny will do his television show. But right now, let's go back to yesterday, and look in on Jack as he's having breakfast at home."

ROCHESTER: "Would you like another waffle, Boss?"

JACK: "No thanks, Rochester, I've had enough. You might as well go on with your work."

ROCHESTER: "But Boss, so far this morning, I've made the beds, cleaned the rugs, waxed the floors, polished the furniture, scrubbed the linoleum, washed the windows, trimmed the hedge, and mowed the lawn."

JACK: "Say, you have done a lot of work."

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, considering this is my day off."

JACK: "Oh, well in that case, Rochester, I'll wash the dishes."

ROCHESTER: "You don’t have to wash the dishes, Boss. Didn't you notice, Boss, I used paper plates."

JACK: "Oh yes, I meant to ask you, why did you use paper plates?"

ROCHESTER: "Because this is National Save a Wife Week."

[Unclear if this was a real day or not, but probably yes.]

JACK: "Well, what does Save a Wife Week have to do with you and me?"

ROCHESTER: "Boss, our contract reads "Till Death Do Us Part", so I fall into that category."

JACK: "Oh, stop exaggerating."

ROCHESTER: "Who's exaggerating? When I first came to work here, I carried the vacuum cleaner over the threshold."

JACK: "Can I help it if you're sentimental? Anyway, don't make such a big… Rochester, what are you doing?"

ROCHESTER: "Scraping the butter off your plate."

JACK: "Don't be silly, I hardly touched that butter. Put it back in the refrigerator."

ROCHESTER: "Okay."

JACK: "And that jam on the plate. That's enough for another meal."

ROCHESTER: "But Boss!"

JACK: "And that slice of bread. That can be toasted."

ROCHESTER: "But can't I throw something away?"

JACK: "Why?"

ROCHESTER: "We've had that garbage disposal for two years, and we don't even know if it works!"

JACK: "Well, if you're so curious, buy something and throw it in! Now, come on, help me set the chairs up in the Living Room. I invited my cast over to watch the World Series game today on TV."

[In a rematch of the 1952 World Series, the 99-52 New York Yankees beat the 105-49 Brooklyn Dodgers, 4 games to 2.]

[door buzzer]

JACK: "I'll get the door."

[door open]

MARY: "Hello, Jack."

JACK: "Hello Mary, come on in."

[door close]

MARY: "You know, Jack, as I was coming up the walk, I noticed that the fence the Colman's put up between your house and theirs looks a lot better now."

JACK: "Yes, the ivy has almost covered the barbed wire."

MARY: "You know, it's amazing it would grow with all that electricity."

JACK: "Yes, yes. You know, I haven't seen Ronnie and Benita Colman in a long time."

MARY: "Oh, I have, Jack. As a matter of fact, I was at a party at their house last night."

JACK: "The Colmans gave a party? Gee, they live right next door. Had I known it, I'd have dropped over."

[CONTINUITY ALERT: Nobody remembers that the Colmans moved out in the season opener.]

MARY: "Well Jack, it was the most unusual party. The lights were out, the shades were drawn, and everybody had to whisper."

JACK: "Oh well, Ronnie and Benita probably didn't want to disturb the people who live on the other side of them."

MARY: "They were at the party."

JACK: "I can't understand them not inviting me."

MARY: "Well, don't feel bad about it, Jack, because everybody who came to the party asked about you."

JACK: "They did? They asked about me?"

MARY: "Mmm hmm. Just before they took off their hats and coats, they said 'Is Jack Benny here?'."

JACK: "Oh, well that was nice. Oh, Rochester?"

ROCHESTER: "Yes, boss? Oh, hello Miss Livingstone!"

MARY: "Oh, hello Rochester."

JACK: "The rest of my gang will be here soon, you'd better get some refreshments ready."

ROCHESTER: "Yes sir. Are you going to push the hot dogs or the peanuts today?"

JACK: "We're not going to push anything! They'll look, they'll see, if they like, they'll buy! Just have an attractive display."

ROCHESTER: "Okay."

JACK: "Mary, as soon as everybody gets here.."

[door buzzer]

JACK: "Come in!"

[door opens]

DENNIS: "Oh, hello everybody."

MARY: "Oh, hello Dennis."

JACK: "Hi, kid."

DENNIS: "You want to make a bet on the World Series?"

JACK: "A bet?"

DENNIS: "Put up or shut up!"

JACK: "Look Dennis, I didn't even get a chance to…"

DENNIS: "Come on, put your money where your mouth is!"

JACK: "Dennis, I'm trying to tell you I didn't…"

MARY: "Oh, Jack. Don't get yourself so excited.

JACK: "But he hasn't… Look Dennis, let's just relax, watch the game and enjoy ourselves."

DENNIS: "Don't try to talk me out of it, this is one series I've got to make a bet on!"

JACK: "Well… all right, all right, if you insist. Who do you want in the series?"

DENNIS: "Who's playing?"

JACK: "Oh, for heaven's sakes!"

MARY: "Uh, Jack?"

JACK: "Hey Mary, watch this. I'm going to teach this kid a lesson once and for all. Now Dennis, since you seem to feel you have to make a bet on the series, all right, put up $5 and let Mary hold it."

DENNIS: "Okay. Here Mary, here's my $5."

JACK: "Here's my $5, Mary. Now, Dennis… (look at this, Mary). Now Dennis, the two teams that are playing in this World Series are the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Milwaukee Braves."

[Not, as you might expect, the two last place teams. The Milwaukee (now Atlanta) Braves finished second with a 92-62 record, while the Pirates did finish last, at 50-104. Since both are National League teams, it would have been impossible for them to meet in a World Series.]

DENNIS: "The Pirates and the Braves?"

JACK: "Yes. Now which one do you want?"

DENNIS: "The Yankees."

JACK: "Dennis, you led me to believe you know nothing about baseball! Now, when we made the bet, why did you pick the Yankees?"

DENNIS: "I want to teach you a lesson once and or all!"

JACK: "Well, the bet is off! Now, let me hear the song you're going to do on the show, and that's all!"

DENNIS: "Okay. What a sore loser."

JACK: "Just sing!"

[Dennis sings "No Other Love"]

JACK: "Very good, Dennis. Very good. That'll be fine on the show."

DENNIS: "Thanks, Mr. Benny. I hope you're not mad at me because I wanted to make a bet with you."

JACK: "No, I'm not mad."

DENNIS: "See, I need some extra money because I want to buy my mother a birthday present."

JACK: "Oh, when is her birthday?"

DENNIS: "Wednesday. She's having a big party. She's going to have an orchestra and dancing and singing and cake and ice cream and everything."

JACK: "Gee, that sounds like fun. Where's it going to be?"

DENNIS: "I don't know, I'm not invited."

JACK: "You know, Dennis, I don't blame your mother, and it serves you right! Because you're such a silly kid that nobody wants you around! That's why they don't ask you anywhere."

DENNIS: "I was at Ronald Colman's party."

JACK: "Dennis! You were invited to the Colman's house? Is that right, Mary?"

MARY: "Oh, yes Jack. They even asked him to sing the theme song of the party."

JACK: "The party had a theme song? What was it?"

Whispering."

JACK: "Dennis, stop it!! Look, I don't want to hear any more about that whispering party at Colman's! Now kids, the game should be starting soon, so let's go into…"

[phone rings]

JACK: "Excuse me."

[answers phone]

BOB: "Hello, Jack. This is Bob Crosby."

JACK: "Bob, where are you? I thought you were coming over today."

[My Brother, the Star joke coming up…]

BOB: "I was, Jack, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to stick around the house. My brother Bing just got in from Elko, and he's staying here."

JACK: "Well! Your brother Bing. It's a good thing you've got a guest room."

BOB: "Oh, you're not kidding. You see, my wife, my kids and I, we've moved into it, and Bing's got the rest of the house."

JACK: "Gee, doesn't that make things a little bit cramped?"

BOB: "Yeah, but you know Bing, he never complains."

JACK: "Oh. I know, well give him my regards, will you?"

BOB: "I will."

JACK: "It must be nice having your brother around."

BOB: "Well, it is, but you have to do such strange things to make him happy."

JACK: "What strange things?"

BOB: "Well, have you ever taken a bath in Minute Maid Orange Juice?"

[Minute Maid was Bing Crosby's sponsor at the time.]

JACK: "No, I used to take a lot of baths in Jell-O, though. Well, I'm sorry you can't come over, Bob."

BOB: "Well gee, so am I. Goodbye."

JACK: "Goodbye."

BOB: "Oh, wait a minute! By the way, Jack."

JACK: "Yes?"

BOB: "I meant to tell you, I went over to the Cinegrill the other night, to see Frankie Remley and His Makes You Want To Sit This Dance Out Orchestra."

[The real Frankie Remley led the orchestra at the Cinegrill as one of his jobs, and got frequent plugs for it on Jack's show.]

JACK: "Oh, you did? Remley's orchestra, huh? Say Bob, I'd like to ask you something. Since you lead an orchestra, I want your honest opinion. How do you think Frankie looks standing in front of the band?"

BOB: "Oh, he looks wonderful, Jack! He was playing the guitar, and he had a big smile on his face. The only thing is, he might have been nervous or something, but I thought his manner was just a little too formal."

JACK: "You mean he was stiff?"

BOB: "That too."

JACK: "No!! Well, bob, the next time… the next time you go down to the Cinegrill, call me and I'll go with you. I want Frankie to see me there."

BOB: "Well then, we'd better go early."

JACK: "Why?"

BOB: "Well, after 9:30, everybody looks alike to him."

JACK: "Well, we'll get there, we'll get there."

[door buzzer]

JACK: "Oh Bob, I've got to hang up, there's somebody at the door."

BOB: "Okay, so long."

JACK: "Goodbye."

[door buzzer]

MARY: "I'll get it, Jack."

[footsteps]

MARY: "Oh, hello Don."

DON: "Hello, Mary. I thought I'd be the first one here."

MARY: "No, Dennis and I are both here."

DON: "Oh."

[door close]

DON: "Oh, hello Jack."

JACK: "Hello, Don."

DON: "Hi, Dennis."

DENNIS: "Put up or shut up!"

JACK: "Dennis, please! Don, do me a favor. Will you sit down?"

DON: "Where?"

JACK: "On Dennis."

MARY: "Uh, Jack?"

JACK: "What?"

MARY: "Let's go in the den and turn on the television set. It's almost time for the game."

JACK: "Okay."

DON: "Oh look, there's no rush. We've got nearly an hour before the game starts."

[The 1953 World Series was played between September 30 and October 5, 1953. This episode was broadcast on the day that Game 5 of the series was played at Ebbett's Field, at which time the series stood tied 2 - 2. Game 5 began at 3:02 p.m., and was probably really in progress at the time that Jack's show was being broadcast. The Yankees won game 5 by a score of 11-7, and won the series at Yankee Stadium the next day, with a 4-3 win, for their 5th consecutive World Series title. This mark has still not been equaled.]

MARY: "Oh, no Don, I've got five minutes to ten."

DON: "That's funny, I've got a quarter after 9."

JACK: "Don, let me see your watch. Oh, for heaven's sake. How can a man of your dignity go around wearing a Mickey Mouse wristwatch??"

DON: "You gave it to me for Christmas."

JACK: "Oh, yes. That was a mistake. I meant to give it to Sammy the Drummer. He can't tell time, and I thought he'd enjoy the pictures."

[NOTE: This is a recycled joke, originally about Phil Harris.]

[odd silence; probably a tobacco commercial being cut out]

JACK: "Well kids, it's about time, so let's go in the other room, and…"

[door buzzer]

JACK: "Oh, now who can that be? I'll get it."

[door open]

LEO DUROCHER: "Hello, Jack."

[Leo was manager of the New York Giants, who had beaten the Dodgers in a famous 1951 Playoff. The Giants, badly trailing the Dodgers for most of the season, mounted a dramatic comeback to tie the Dodgers for 1st Place and force a Best of 3 playoff to see which team would have the privilege of losing to the Yankees in the World Series. In the decisive game of this playoff, the Giants came from behind to win in the last inning on a Bobby Thomson home run dubbed "The Shot Heard Round the World". Since then, the Giants had fallen on harder times, finishing second to the Dodgers in 1952, and falling to 5th place, with a 70-84 record in 1953. As a result, Leo has time to show up at Jack's house while the World Series is in progress, and complain about the fact that they're still playing after the season is over. Durocher bounced back, however, as his Giants won the World Series in 1954.]

JACK: "Leo! Leo Durocher! Well, Leo Durocher, this is really a surprise."

LEO: "Oh Jack, I happened to be passing by, so I thought I'd drop in and say hello."

JACK: "Well, that's wonderful! Most of the gang is here, we're just going to watch the game."

LEO: "Game? What game?"

JACK: "What game? The World Series?"

LEO: "The World Series? The season's over, why do they have to squeeze in another few games?"

JACK: "Wait a minute, Leo, I know how you feel, but you can't win the pennant every year. Don't tell me you're sore."

LEO: "Oh, on the contrary, jack, I've been in organized baseball 20 years, and I consider this has been my most successful season."

JACK: "Why?"

LEO: "I was only fined $1000."

[Durocher was famous for fines and suspensions. He was suspended for the entire 1947 season, and to this day ranks 4th all-time for most ejections from a game.]

JACK: "Oh, oh I see."

DON: "Hey, come on, Jack! We'll miss the game!"

JACK: "Okay, but look who's here, gang! Leo Durocher! Leo, you know my cast."

LEO: "Oh sure, hello Mary."

MARY: "Hello, Leo. Good to see you."

LEO: "Hello, Don."

DON: "Hi, Leo."

LEO: "Hello, Dennis."

DENNIS: "Put your money where your mouth is."

JACK: "Now, cut that out!! Hey kids, aren't we lucky Leo dropped in? Now we can watch the game with an expert."

LEO: "Oh, now wait a minute, Jack."

MARY: "Oh, don't be so modest, Leo. There isn't a thing you don't know about the game."

DON: "Mary's right, Leo. Why, I consider youth finest manager in baseball."

DENNIS: "If he's so great, what's he doing here today?"

JACK: "Dennis! Leo… Leo, don't… don't pay any attention to him, he's always this way."

DENNIS: "Put up or shut up!"

JACK: "Leo, please. Don't pay any attention, he's always like this."

LEO: "Oh, for a minute, I thought he was beaned once too often."

JACK: "Well, he certainly acts like it."

DON: "Oh, say Leo, I hate to bring up a touchy subject, but what happened to the Giants this year?"

[As mentioned, after playing in the 1951 World Series, the Giants had fallen to 5th place and a losing record in 1953.]

LEO: "Well Don, actually we planned the same strategy we used two years ago. We figured to start slow, and let the other teams get overconfident. Then about July, we'd slowly start to pick up steam, and in the home stretch, we'd pull up fast, and as the season ended, we'd have 'em in the bag."

DON: "In the bag?"

LEO: "Yeah, right now my boys are selling peanuts at Ebbett's Field."

DON: "Oh, very good, Leo! Very good."

ROCHESTER: "Boss, I got the television set on. The game's about to begin."

JACK: "Well, come on, everybody, let's go in the den."

[transition]

[game sounds]

JACK: "Hey, has the game started?"

ROCHESTER: "Pretty soon, Boss. The four umpires just came on the field."

JACK: "Oh yeah. Why don't they take their places? They're just standing there?"

DON: "Jack, I think they're going to sing."

JACK: "Umpires singing? I've never heard of that before."

[The four umpires are the Sportsmen Quartet, who sing a tobacco-themed version of "Nobody Loves an Umpire".]

JACK: "You know, that's… that's the strangest thing I've ever seen. I've never heard of umpires singing. Have you, Leo?"

LEO: "None of 'em ever sang to me."

DON: "Hey, quiet fellas, the game's going to start!"

JACK: "Yes sir, here we go. Hey, this is as much fun as if we were really at the… What happened? What happened? What happened?"

MARY: "The picture went off!"

JACK: "Oh, for heaven's sakes, how do you like that? We'll miss the opening of the game. Don, you try to fix the television set."

DON: "Okay."

JACK: "I'll get it on the radio. Let's see what station it's on, here."

[radio tunes in to something]

VOICE ON RADIO (Bea Benaderet): "No, no, don't leave me, Rodney Quagmire!"

JACK: "Rodney Quagmire??"

VOICE ON RADIO (Bea Benaderet): "I've tried so hard to be a good wife to you! You can't leave me now! If not for me, think of the children! Harry, Alan, Phyllis, Bert, Jessica, Frank [keeps reciting names]

JACK: "This can't be the game."

MARY: "Try another station."

JACK: "Okay."

[radio tunes in to something]

[sound of piano playing]

MARIA CALLOUS: "I'm walking behind youuuuuu! [continues caterwauling]

[A real song, but Maria sings it better: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vTTjjCQz-w]

JACK: "Why can't I get the game?? Oh, for… isn't this awful?? Where's the ballgame??"

[radio tunes]

HY AVERBACK ON RADIO: "A long, long fly! Yes, a long, long fly!"

JACK: "That's it! That's the game!"

HY: "If you have the long ones in your house, call the Acme Exterminators!"

JACK: "Oh, for heaven's sake! I thought that was the game!"

LEO: "Well, let me try it, Jack. Maybe the station is back here."

JACK: "Go ahead, Leo."

[radio tunes]

VOICE ON RADIO (Bea Benaderet): "…Albert, Bruce, [keeps reciting names] ..Alan, Betty, Tallulah!"

JACK: "Tallulah!?"

LEO: "Must be a pinch hitter."

DON: "Hey Jack, we're missing the game!"

JACK: "I'm trying! I'm trying to get it!"

[radio tunes]

MARIA CALLOUS: "[still wailing]"

JACK: "What's wrong with my radio?"

[radio tunes in to something]

JACK: "Why can't I get the game??"

VOICE ON RADIO: "Our sponsor is happy to bring you this game. And now back to your World Series announcer!"

FRANK NELSON, ON RADIO: "Weeeeeeeell!! That was an exciting inning!"

JACK: "That's it! I've got it!"

FRANK: "And here we go into the top of the fifth. Up to bat for the Dodgers is Roy Campanella. As you know, Allie Reynolds is pitching for the Yankees. Here's the windup! The pitch!"

[Roy Campanella, 1921-1993 was a Hall of Fame catcher for the Brooklyn Dodgers. In the 1957-58 off-season, after the Dodgers moved to Los Angeles, but before they had played their first game there, he was involved in an automobile accident in Glen Cove, NY, that left him paralyzed, and ended his playing career. Reynolds, though nominated for the Hall of Fame, has not yet been inducted.]

[ball hits glove]

FRANK: "Ball One!"

JACK: "Gee, I'm glad we got the game."

FRANK: "Reynolds winds up again! Here comes the pitch!"

[ball hits glove]

FRANK: "Ball Two!"

JACK: "Gee, I bet he walks him, you know."

FRANK: "Reynolds winds up again! There's the pitch!"

[no sound]

[long pause]

[ball hits glove]

FRANK: "Strike!! Reynolds has a wonderful Slowball!"

JACK: "I'd love to have seen that one on television! Don, hurry and fix the set!"

DON: "I'm working on it!"

FRANK: "Here's the next pitch!"

[ball hits bat]

FRANK: "There goes Campanella running down to third, but it's a popup over the infield, and coming in to take it for the out is Sam Houston!"

JACK: "Sam Houston!?"

FRANK: "It was a Texas Leaguer!"

[Texas Leaguer: A bloop single that drops in between the infielders and outfielders.]

JACK: "Hmmm."

FRANK: "And now, ladies and gentlemen…"

[the radio tunes out]

JACK: "What's wrong with this set now?"

VOICE ON RADIO (Bea Benaderet): "…Milton, Harold, John, Tom, and our eldest son who ran away from home, Rodney Quagmire, Junior!"

JACK: "Why can't I get this game??"

[radio tunes]

FRANK: "Yes folks, Hodges is on first base as the result of a walk!"

[Gil Hodges, the Dodgers star first baseman, who later went on to manage the New York Mets to one of the most amazing upsets in World Series history, in 1969. Died three years later, of a heart attack, at age 47.]

JACK: "Gee, Hodges just walked."

FRANK: "And the count on Pee Wee Reese is three balls, no strikes! Here comes the next pitch."

[Pee Wee Reese; Legendary Hall of Fame shortstop for the Dodgers, who played on 10 All-Star Teams.]

[ball hits glove]

FRANK: "Ball Four! Hodges advances to second, and as Reese goes down to first, he is saying to Hodges…"

[radio tunes]

MARIA CALLOUS: "I'm walking behind yoouuuuuu…"

JACK: "What's wrong with this radio??? I want to listen to the game, all I can get is a crummy singer, and some woman with 48 children!"

[radio tunes]

FRANK: "Oh, we're here with this thrilling game of the World Series. This is your announcer, Rodney Quagmire, Junior! And before we go on with the game, I'd just like to say hello to my sad old mother."

JACK: "Gee, if Mrs. Quagmire ever gets on This is Your Life, it will be an hour long show."

[This is your Life; a famous documentary show in which a celebrity was re-united with old friends and acquaintances, who told his or her life story.]

FRANK: "And now Duke Snider is at the plate. Here comes the pitch."

[Duke Snider, a Hall of Fame center fielder for the Dodgers, who played for the Mets and Giants in his final two seasons, retiring in 1964.]

[ball hits bat]

FRANK: "Snider hits the first pitch, and it's going, going, over the fence at the west side of the field! It's going, going, still going, going, going… Well!! It looks like Snider is bringing major league baseball to Los Angeles all by himself!!"

[The Brooklyn Dodgers moved to Brooklyn after the 1957 season. The possibility had been discussed for some time, but the team owner, J. Walter O'Malley, had repeatedly promised the Brooklyn fans that he would not desert them… just before he deserted them. The pain of this betrayal is still felt in Brooklyn to this day.]

JACK: "Gosh! He must really have hit that one!"

DON: "Jack, Jack, I got the television set fixed!"

JACK: "Good, come on Leo, let's sit here."

LEO: "Okay, Jack. Let me have that set, Don, I know what channel it's on."

[turns dial]

MARIA CALLOUS: "[still singing "I'm Walking Behind You"]

JACK: "No, not on television too!!"

MARIA CALLOUS: [keeps singing]

JACK: "I'll try another channel."

[flips channel]

DON: "Hey Jack, that's it!"

MARY: "Gee, and it's a nice clear picture, too."

JACK: "Oh look, the Yankees are at bat. Brooklyn must have been put out."

FRANK: "Well, that makes the count two and two on Rizzuto."

[Phil Rizzuto, 1917-2007. Another Hall of Famer, nicknamed "The Scooter", Rizzuto later became an announcer for his old team, the Yankees, where he was famous for his catch phrase, "Holy Cow!!"]

JACK: "You mean they have that same crazy announcer on television too??"

LEO: "Quiet, Jack. I want to watch him pitch to Rizzuto."

JACK: "Okay, Leo."

FRANK: "Here we go. Campanella's behind the plate again. Preacher Roe is on the mound! And here comes Whitey Lockman!"

[Elwin Charles "Preacher" Roe, 1916-2008; a famous Dodgers pitcher. Got his nickname at age 3 when an uncle asked him his name, and he responded "Preacher", referring to a minister who took him on horse and buggy rides. Once struck out 26 batters in a college game.]

JACK: "Whitey Lockman!? He's with the Giants!"

[Carroll Walter "Whitey" Lockman, 1926-2009. One of the few players mentioned in this episode who isn't in the Hall of Fame. Lockman was 1st Baseman/Outfielder for the Giants. Played on the 1952 All-Star Team, and a member of the 1954 Giants World Series Championship Team.]

WHITEY LOCKMAN: "Peanuts! Peanuts! Get your hot roasted peanuts here!"

LEO: "Thatta boy, Whitey! Sell 'em! Sell 'em!"

[Perhaps the funniest single line in this entire episode. Durocher's willingness to allow himself and his team to be the targets of humor in this episode is extraordinary.]

JACK: "What is this, anyway??"

FRANK: "Rizzuto's at bat. Here comes the pitch."

[ball hits bat]

FRANK: "And Rizzuto lines one into center field! He's rounding first, he's trying to stretch it to a double! There he goes, here comes the relay! Rizzuto slides, and he's out!"

LEO: "Out?"

FRANK: "Yes, Out!"

LEO: "Why, ya bum, he was safe by a mile!"

FRANK: "Don't tell me! I said he was Out!"

JACK: "Leo!?"

LEO: "Go on, ya haven't called one right all day!"

FRANK: "Oh yeah??"

JACK: "Leo!?"

FRANK: "Don't tell me my business!"

LEO: "You couldn't see that play if you were wearing Jack Benny's glasses!"

JACK: "Leo, leave me out of it!"

FRANK: "Are you trying to insult me??"

LEO: "Insult you?? Why if I was there, I'd punch you right in the nose!!"

FRANK: "That does it! I'm throwing you out of the game!"

[As mentioned, Durocher was 2nd on the all-time ejection list, with 95 ejections when he retired, and to this day, still ranks 4th.]

LEO: "What??"

FRANK: "You heard me! Get out! Out! Out!"

LEO: "Oh yeah, well I'll fix you!!"

JACK: "Leo, put down that chair! Leo, don't smash my television! Leo!"

[crashing sound]

JACK: "Leo!"

LEO: "I've never been so insulted in my life!! I'm going home!!"

MARIA CALLOUS: "[still singing "I'm Walking Behind You"]

JACK: "Oh, for heaven's sake!! Once, why can't I hear the World Series game??"

[closing theme; Hooray for Hollywood]

JACK: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be back in a minute to tell you about my television show that goes on tonight at 7 p.m. over the CBS Television Network. But first, a word from America's foremost authority on etiquette, Miss Amy Vanderbilt."

AMY: "Some of my friends tell me that in my book on etiquette, I was a little hard on smoking. Actually, I was hard on smokers. At least some smokers. I dislike thoughtless smokers. You know, the man next to you at the dinner table, who holds his cigarette so that the smoke gets in your eye. I like considerate smokers. For instance, I like to know that my husband is considerate enough to carry my brand of cigarettes: Lucky Strike. In smoking, as in etiquette, it is, after all, a matter of taste. I want a cigarette that tastes better to me than any other. That's Lucky Strike."

DON: "Friends, Amy Vanderbilt is right. Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is Luckies Taste Better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. And for two very good reasons. One: L.S./M.F.T. Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. Fine, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. Two: Luckies are made better to taste better. Made round and firm and fully packed. To draw freely and smoke evenly. So, take a tip from me, and Be Happy, Go Lucky. Because Luckies taste better.

[music up and out]

JACK: "Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Leo Durocher for not winning the pennant so he could be on my show tonight. And incidentally, at 7 p.m., I'll be doing my TV show over the CBS Television Network. Say, Leo. Why don't you come over with me and watch my television show? Leo? Leo, where are you?"

LEO: "I'm walking behind yoooouuu..."

JACK: "Good night, folks. See you at seven."

[Be Happy Go Lucky music]

DON: "The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes."

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: Selling concessions when friends are over to watch baseball.

CONTINUITY ALERT: The Colmans held a party next door without inviting Jack. But we were told in the season opener that they had moved out.

THE OLD DAYS: Jack used to bathe in Jell-O.

NAMES FOR THE BAND: Frankie Remley and his Makes You Want To Sit This One Out Orchestra.

LEO DUROCHER: Durocher (1905-1991), nicknamed “Lippy”, was one of baseball’s more colorful and legendary managers. Durocher still ranks 4th on the list of most ejections from a game, and was suspended for the entire 1947 season for association with known gamblers (hence the jokes about fines and ejections in this episode). Durocher was notable for the quote “The nice guys are all over there, in seventh place”, which was condensed by the Press to the much catchier “Nice guys finish last.”

Coming up as a shortstop for the Yankees, he became Player Manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1939, where he was an early and ardent supporter of Jackie Robinson, whom he described as “A Durocher with talent”. In 1948, Durocher jumped ship to manage the Dodger’s hated cross-town rivals, the New York Giants. Durocher managed the Giants in the famous 1951 playoff game in which Bobby Thomson hit the “The Shot Heard Round the World”.

Retiring in 1955, Durocher returned to managing in 1966, when he took over the Chicago Cubs, and managed them through their infamous collapse to the 1969 Mets. He closed out his Big League Managing career in 1972-3 with the Houston Astros, a team that hadn’t existed when his career started.

Durocher held three World Series Rings (with the 1928 Yankees, 1934 Cardinals, and 1954 Giants. Durocher became fairly well known in the media, and played himself on The Munsters and The Beverly Hillbillies, as well as making multiple appearances on Jack’s show. He was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1994.

BOTTOM LINE: An amazing half hour. An extremely funny episode, featuring callouts to a veritable Hall of Fame of baseball legends. Unlike most of Jack’s guest stars, Durocher allows himself to be the target of some wickedly funny shots, and his rhubarb with Frank Nelson on the TV steals the show. A truly classic episode.

5. 10/11/53 JACK TRIES TO SELL HIS HOUSE (30:33)

SITCOM: Jack is trying to sell The House That Jack Built (in the 1937-1938 season). He's showing it to a Mr. and Mrs. Borden (Will Wright and Lois Corbett). The Bordens stop to admire the Colman's house, with its new electrified fence. Jack tries to pressure the Bordens into putting down a deposit, when he hears the plumber making noisy repairs inside.

Jack asks the plumber (Mel) to hold it down, but Mel is in a feisty mood, and gives him a lot of brushback. Jack goes back outside. The Bordens are gone, but said they were still interested in the house.

The doorbell rings. Jack starts putting on the dog again before realizing its only Mary, who, on what Jack pays her, would have a hard time buying a stick of gum, much less a house. Mary offers a theory about what happened to Kenny Baker.

Dennis arrives, asking about the house, which leads to a salary dispute. Jack asks to hear the song Dennis will do on the program. An orchestra tunes up from out of nowhere, as Dennis sings a familiar, but unidentified Spanish number.

The plumber asks Jack to turn on the water from the soivice port, as he's doity and wants to take a showuh (this show could have done with some subtitles).

Bob arrives, saying that Ronald Colman just put a rabbit's foot on Jack's For Sale sign. Bob says that the band has bought new tuxedoes to celebrate National Wine Week. Mary derides Jack and Bob for running down the band.

Don arrives. Jack asks him to buy the house, as he's tried it on often enough. As everyone has arrived, they start the rehearsal. The first half of the program is written but the second half isn't. The plumber comes up and offers his two cents worth on the script, as well as reporting a Kenny Baker sighting.

The plumber leaves and Jack sends the others to rehearse. Don suggests that the Sportsmen might try to drum up (pun intended) some interest in Jack's house with their number. The Sportsmen sing a Lucky Strike, and Jack Benny's House themed version of "I Want a Girl Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Dad."

Before the rehearsal gets going, Mr. Borden calls, agreeing to buy Jack's house. Borden says he has a business appointment at his club today, but will drop the money off tomorrow. Jack takes everyone golfing to celebrate.

At the course, Jack sends Dennis for a couple of buckets of balls. Jack offers helpful advice on Mary and Bob's swings, before whiffing his own. Jack offers to demonstrate a trick shot off of Dennis' nose, but is regretfully talked out of it.

Bob suggests that Jack take a few lessons from the instructor, but when Jack starts calling for "Mister", we know who it's going to be. Frank analyzes Jack's swing, and has him lower his head until his toupee falls off, just for laughs.

Jack hits a bad slice, which hits a man on the head. The man that Jack hits comes over, and it's Mr. Borden, who now has amnesia, and doesn't remember wanting to buy Jack's house!! For this joke to make sense, he's really going to have to hit Mrs. Borden too, but maybe they can work that in next week.

TAG: Don gives a PSA for Fire Prevention, followed by Dorothy Collins coming out and singing about the virtues of starting fires for smoking pleasure. Jack says that they're a little late, and so his final witticism goes unwitted.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Lois Corbett,

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Frank Nelson, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Will Wright

DON'S INTRO:

"Ladies and gentlemen, after living for 15 years at the same address in Beverly Hills, our little star recently decided to put his house up for sale. So, let's go up to Camden Drive, where we find Jack showing a prospective buyer through the premises.

JOKE: [2:30] (Jack tries to sell his house)

MR. BORDEN: "Mr. Benny, to maintain a house this size, I imagine you must have a butler, a gardener, a cook, a chauffeur, an upstairs maid, and a downstairs maid."

JACK: "Yes. Yes, I have."

MR. BORDEN: "Well, where are they?"

ROCHESTER: "Here I am, sir."

JACK: "Rochester!"

ROCHESTER: "If I ever get fired, I can collect 12 unemployment checks."

FLUB: [5:45] (Jack tries to sell his house)

JACK: "I thought it was another prospect. They've been coming in droves."

MARY: "No soul… sale yet, huh?"

JACK: "No, no soul yet."

MARY: "I rehearsed, too."

CONTINUITY NOTE: No explanation has ever been offered for why Jack owns a jalopy car, but doesn't own a jalopy house. Everything we've ever been told about the place suggests that it's a first class, if under-utilized dwelling.

THE OLD DAYS: [6:15]

JACK: "Here's a beautiful home, 28 rooms, gorgeous grounds, large swimming pool, and the location…"

MARY: "Jack, you're squeezing my arm."

JACK: "Sorry."

MARY: "Let me ask you something. Why do you want to sell this house anyway?"

JACK: "Look Mary, I'm here all alone. Just me and Rochester. What do I need with a house that has 28 rooms?"

MARY: "Jack, you mean to say this house has 28 rooms?"

JACK: "Certainly, there's the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, the den, the library and 3 bedrooms."

MARY: "That's only 8. What about the other 20 rooms?"

JACK: "Oh, I never use those. I've had 'em closed up for years."

MARY: "You've… had them… closed. Jack?"

JACK: "You see, I don't really need…"

MARY: "Jack?"

JACK: "So many rooms, you know…"

MARY: "Jack?"

JACK: "What is it, Mary?"

MARY: "Jack, whatever happened to Kenny Baker?"

JACK: "Gee, I don't know. I never thought of that. I don't know, he came over to my house about 15 years, ago, that's the last I saw of him."

CONTINUITY ALERT: In the first episode of the 1939-40 season, Jack and Mary saw Kenny Baker on the porch of his home and spoke to him, but he couldn't answer, as he was on another show.

JOKE: [7:30]

DENNIS: "Hey Mr. Benny, I saw the sign outside of your house that says For Sale."

JACK: "That's right, kid."

DENNIS: "How much do you want for it?"

JACK: "100,000."

DENNIS: "For a little sign like that?"

JACK: "For the house! Dennis, I'm trying to sell the house!"

DENNIS: "Oh. Well, I wouldn't buy it."

JACK: "Oh, you wouldn't, eh? Well Dennis, I've got news for you. In the first place, nobody asked you to buy it. And in the second place you couldn't afford to buy it."

DENNIS: "If I didn't work for a cheapskate, I could."

JACK: "Mary…"

MARY: "Don't look at me. I only thought it, he said it."

CONTINUITY NOTE: In this episode, Jack is trying to get $100,000 for his house. That same house at 1002 Roxbury Drive today lists for almost $10,000,000.

MY BROTHER THE STAR: [12:30]

BOB: "Jack, is that sign out in front just a gag, or are you really trying to sell your house?"

JACK: "Well, of course I'm trying to sell it."

BOB: "What are you asking for it?"

JACK: "100,000."

BOB: "A hundred thousand dollars? Bro-ther!"

JACK: "What do you mean "Brother!"?"

BOB: "Well, my Bro-ther is the only one who's got that kind of dough."

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [13:30] (The Band's latest drunkie exploit)

JACK: "You know, Bob, I'm surprised that they drink anything as mild as wine."

BOB: "Oh ho, sure they do, Jack. They drink a lot of beer too."

JACK: "Beer?"

BOB: "In fact, they had the answer to "What'll you have?" before Pabst had the question."

JOKE: [14:00]

MARY: "Jack, why do you and Bob always pick on the orchestra boys? It's none of your business what kind of a life they lead."

JACK: "Look, Mary…"

MARY: "The week afterwards, you're always picking on them. Insulting them. You never have a kind word to say about them."

JACK: "Look, Mary…"

MARY: "They've been with you for years and you ought to be ashamed of the way you constantly run them down."

JACK: "Mary…"

MARY: "After all, your only concern should be whether they play good music."

JACK: "Oh, I see. And you… you think they play good music?"

MARY: "Well… they could if they weren't always drunk."

JACK: "I thought so!!"

JOKE: [14:00]

JACK: "I have a request from the California Chamber of Commerce."

BOB: "Well, what's that?"

JACK: "They wrote me to say that if Sammy the Drummer can't grow hair and won't wear a toupee, won't he at least paint a stem on his head so it'll look like an orange?"

JOKE: [15:30]

DON: "Are you really going to sell this house?"

JACK: "That's right, Don. Say, why don't you buy it? You've tried it on often enough, you know. If it's too big, we can take it in a little around the pantry."

JOKE: [16:00]

JACK: "Let's get on with the rehearsal."

DON: "What kind of a show are we going to have?"

JACK: "Well, the first half is all written, but we're not sure what to do for the last half. I'd like to do something different."

MEL: How about doing a satirical version of a psychological drama?"

MARY: "Say! That's a pretty good idea."

JACK: "Mary, what are you talking to him for? He's the plumber."

MARY: "Oh, I thought he was one of your writers."

JACK: "That's a stupid mistake. When he pronounced "psychological" right, you should have known he wasn't."

THE OLD DAYS: [16:30]

MEL: "There's something I think you ought to know."

JACK: "What?"

MEL: "Well, there was a leak in one of the pipes, and while I was tracing it, it led me all the way to the back of the house on the top floor. And in one of those unused rooms, I saw a fellow with curly hair sitting there eating Jell-O."

JACK: "What?"

MARY: "Jack! That must be Kenny Baker!"

JACK: "No, no that's impossible!"

ROCHESTER: "Maybe it's the Gas Man!"

[big applause, everyone remembers even though it was 1941]

JACK: "That happened in the basement!"

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Kenny Baker left the show after the 1938-39 Season. The Disappearing Gas Man from 4-6-1941 has long been believed to have been a victim of Jack's polar bear, Carmichael, who also disappeared mysteriously, come to think of it.

JOKE: [17:50]

MEL: "Oh uh, pardon me, Mr. Benny. Is your house still for sale?"

JACK: "Yes."

MEL: "How much you want for it?"

JACK: "Look, you couldn't afford to buy it."

MEL: "You didn't get my bill yet."

JOKE: [21:00] (Mr. Borden is about ready to buy)

MR. BORDEN: You said you wanted $100,000, is that right?"

JACK: "Yes, if you'll come right over now, we can close the deal."

MR. BORDEN: "Well Mr. Benny, the banks are all closed now, and all I have with me is a business check for $250,000."

JACK: "Well, come on over, I can give you the change."

JOKE: [21:30]

JACK: "Guess what just happened. Mr. Borden, the man who was here with his wife a while ago said they were going to buy my house."

MARY: "Say, that's wonderful."

DON: "It sure is, Jack."

BOB: "That's great news."

JACK: "Yes sir."

DENNIS: "They'll never be happy here."

JACK: "They will if you don't visit them!!"

JOKE: [22:15] (On the golf course)

JACK: "Excuse me, kids, I want to swing this golf club to limber up my hands. They're stiff from my violin lesson yesterday."

BOB: "Oh, did you practice too long?"

JACK: "No, my violin teacher closed the case on my fingers. It happens every time I take a lesson."

JOKE: [24:15]

JACK: "Now watch me Bob, and I'll show you the correct form for driving a ball off the tee. Watch this."

[Swish]

JACK: "Hmm."

[Swish]

JACK: "Hmm."

[Swish]

JACK: "Hmm."

MARY: "Jack, keep it up! That's wonderful!"

JACK: "What do you mean wonderful? I missed the ball three times!"

MARY: "I know, but you're fanning the smog out of Los Angeles."

SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS: [25:10]

JACK: "Oh, Mr.? Mr.?"

Frank Nelson: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees??"

JACK: "Oh no! Are you the golf instructor here?"

FRANK: "Yes, don't let these lounging pajamas fool you!"

THE OLD DAYS: [27:30] (Mr. Borden has amnesia)

JACK: "Mr. Borden, you must remember! Please! Please! The lovely neighborhood! The lovely neighbors! Kenny Baker will sing to you!!"

NOTE: Three Kenny Baker jokes in this episode, and they still couldn't get him on the show again after 1939.

NOTE: The closing announcement by Don skips horribly on the record that the mp3 was made from.

NOTE: Mrs. Borden is played by Lois Corbett, Don Wilson's wife.

BOTTOM LINE: Good episode. The actual storyline about selling the house, and that tired old amnesia bit leaves me pretty cold, but on the other hand, there are quite a lot of good lines in this one, and the running Kenny Baker gag is great.

6. 10/18/53 WINGS OF THE HAWK (23:46)

THE SHOW: As usual, Jack disputes Don's opening introduction. Don, who couldn't think of anything new to say about Jack, challenges Jack to come up with something new to say to him. Jack responds by firing him, which isn't exactly new, but for the purposes of this joke, I guess it's supposed to be.

Dennis arrives, having missed this week's rehearsals due to his vacation on Lake Meade. After a week on a boat, Dennis takes a moment to get the residual pirate talk out of his system. Jack rushes Dennis into his song. Dennis sings "Because You're Mine".

Bob talks about Bing's new supermarket and asks Jack to appear at the opening.

Jack announces the play (no doubt one of their "very important" ones, even though he doesn't say so this time), as being their version of "Wings of the Hawk". Jack casts the play, giving himself the lead, as usual, and two roles to all the others.

Jack calls out Mel Blanc, whose contract requires applause, if not money. The play begins, even though we haven't had a last minute phone call from Rochester yet. (Hope he's okay).

THE PLAY: "Wings of the Hawk", based on the picture of the same name (1953), starring Van Heflin and Julie Adams.

In Mexico (in 1910, although this is not specified on the show), the Insurrectos are fighting the Federalists. Jack is Irish Gallagher, his partner is Don Carlos Wilson, hunting for gold. They get caught in the middle of a battle, which leaves Don slightly perforated.

The escape and make their way to a saloon in Mexico. No matter what movie they're spoofing, it's a lead pipe cinch at this point that they're going to meet four tobacco-obsessed troubadours, and an extremely mellow guy named Cy, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

They meet a barmaid (Veola Vonn). Don catches such a bad case of gold fever describing their quest that he nearly settles for a brass cuspidor.

Jack and Don spot "Gold Bud" Day, the grizzled old prospector who finds gold every time he goes out a-huntin', and then blows all his money… on Kleenex for his hay fever. Gold Bud tips them off about a gold deposit big enough to make one of them rich for life. Hearing this, Jack immediately shoots Don.

Jack tries to hire Gold Bud as a guide, but seeing the way Jack treats his partners, he isn't too keen to take the job. Besides, Gold Bud is too Old, Bud. Gold Bud bows out of the story, but says he'll be back on page 12 as a Mexican Bandit.

Four wandering troubadours (told you!) walk into the bar, and sing a medley of Mexican songs, with tobacco-themed lyrics.

Jack goes out and strikes gold. As he does, a troop of horsemen swoops down on him. Jack waves a flag of truce, and tries to negotiate with Colonel Ruiz (Bob). The Federalists seize Jack's mine, and he flees into the hills for his life.

After wandering for several days, he stumbles into a camp of Insurrectos, all ready to do some fresh routines with them. The first one he meets is Mel, so we know what's coming. They lay the groundwork for a Si/Cy Routine, but don't go into it just yet.

The Insurrectos' Leader, Raquel, is wounded. Mel asks Jack to remove the bullet from her body, which he does, then promptly faints.

When he recovers, Jack prepares to go hunting for the gold again. Before he does, Mel comes by to introduce his son, Tomas, so here's what you've been waiting for. Jack gets into a Si/Cy Routine with Tomas, with an assist by Mel (Tomas is obviously a Trainee).

The Federals attack, too late to prevent the Si/Cy Routine. Jack and Raquel are thrown in jail. The wind whistling through her bullet wound keeps Jack awake.

Next morning, Jack and Raquel are taken out to be executed. Bob gives Jack a fighting chance to survive. He gives Jack a weapon to fight a duel, but begins shooting before the 10 count is reached. Jack, who was given a knife, is unable to return fire.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Harry Shearer, Veola Vonn

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, for 20 years, I've been introducing the star of our show. And after all this time, you'd think I'd run out of nice things to say about him. Well, I have. So here he is, Jack Benny!"

NOTE: The show is edited for rebroadcast.

JOKE: [1:50]

DENNIS: "I went fishing on Lake Meade."

DON: "You know, I wish I could go away and do a little fishing. It's one of my favorite sports. What a thrill it is, to hook a silvery rainbow trout. One of nature's loveliest creations. What a sight as it breaks the water in a shimmering shower of glistening drops, and the sunlight reflecting on its iridescent beauty."

JACK: "Look how he describes the fish. ME he can't say anything nice about!"

MY BROTHER THE STAR: [6:00]

BOB: "Say, Jack?"

JACK: "Huh? What is it, Bob?"

BOB: "Well, before you go into that sketch, I'd like to ask you a little favor."

JACK: "A favor?"

BOB: "It's really not for me, it's for my brother Bing. You see, he just built a new supermarket here in town."

JACK: "BING built a supermarket?"

BOB: "Mmm hmm. The Grand Opening is tonight. And there's going to be lots of celebrities there. And Bing said he'd appreciate it if you'd come and help out."

JACK: "Well! Well, does he want me to play my violin?"

BOB: "No."

JACK: "Oh. He just wants me to tell jokes, huh?"

BOB: "No."

JACK: "Well then, what does he want me to do?"

BOB: "Buy something."

JACK: "Well, he's got a fat chance! Maybe I will drop around. But Bob, I can't understand. With all the deals that Bing has, why does he want to fool around with a supermarket?"

BOB: "Well Jack, it's not just any old supermarket, it's a Super SUPERmarket."

JACK: "It's big, you mean?"

BOB: "Big? Why, at one end you can buy strawberries, and at the other end, they're out of season."

JACK: "Gee!"

BOB: "Why, you have to go through the frozen food department by dog sled."

JACK: "NO!!!"

BOB: "And when you cross over into the Meat Department, you lose a day!"

JOKE: [7:40] (Wings of the Hawk)

DON: "Man, I heard that picture is just chuck full of adventure and excitement."

JACK: "And how. You know, the other night I took Mary to see it, and she sat on the edge of the chair all through it."

DENNIS: "She had to, you only bought one ticket."

JOKE: [8:10] (Casting the play)

JACK: "Bob, you have the role of a Colonel in the Mexican army. A cruel, ruthless, greedy man who lets nothing stand in his way. And I'm going to take the part Van Heflin played. That of a rough, tough gold prospector; Irish Gallagher."

DENNIS: "YOU'RE Irish Gallagher!?"

JACK: "That's right."

DENNIS: "Oh vey!!"

JOKE: [8:45] (Still casting the play)

JACK: "Now, where's Mel Blanc?"

MEL: "Here I am, Jack."

JACK: "Folks, it's Mel Blanc, give him a big hand."

[Applause]

DON: "Jack, we're all going to be in the play. Why did you give just him applause?"

JACK: "Don, I have to. It's in his contract."

DON: "You mean you give him money and applause too?"

JACK: "No money, just applause."

JOKE: [11:20] (These two guys walk into a bar, see)

JACK: "Hey, Barmaid! Barmaid!"

Veola Vonn: "Si, Senor? What will you have?"

JACK: "Gimme three fingers."

VEOLA: "Three fingers of what?"

JACK: "Just three fingers, I'm hungry."

JOKE: [11:45] (In the seedy bar)

JACK: "This is my partner, Don Carlos. He and I came down here looking for gold."

DON: "Yeah. Gold. Every time I think of it, I go crazy. Gold! Gold! I can see it now! There it is! There it is, and it's mine! It's mine! Gold! Gold!"

JACK: "Put that down, that's the cuspidor!"

JACK: "You know, sister, he goes crazy every time he thinks of gold."

VEOLA: "Well, does not gold mean anything to you?"

JACK: "Eh. I can take it or love it… I mean leave it."

JOKE: [13:00] (Gold Bud Day recounts his exploits)

DENNIS: "I'd have to come back. Be back in town with a load of gold, and in a couple of nights, I'd blow it all in."

JACK: "Women, eh?"

DENNIS: "No, Kleenex. I've got hay fever."

JOKE: [16:30] (Jack has been captured by Federals)

JACK: "(Voiceover) As several of them approached me, I recognized their leader as the cruel Colonel Ruiz. And I knew I'd have to play it cagey."

BOB: "Senor Hombre. I hear that here you have discovered gold here. I theenk, senor hombre."

JACK: "(Voiceover) Yes. I would have to play it cagey because he was playing it lousy."

JOKE: [17:10] (Still captured by federals)

BOB: "My General has a proposition to make to you."

JACK: "Let's have it."

MEL: "(string of Spanish)."

JACK: "What did he say?"

BOB: "He give you Notre Dame and 6 points."

[gunshot]

JACK: "(Voiceover) Yes, I shot him. I may be Irish, but I need better odds than that."

JOKE: [18:20]

[murmuring sound]

JACK, Voiceover: "What's happened. What's the excitement?"

MEL: "It is our leader, Raquel. She has been wounded."

JACK: "Your leader? Is a girl?"

VEOLA: "Si, Senor. I am Raquel, their leader."

JACK: "Well. I'm awfully pleased… wait a minute. Weren't you the barmaid?"

VEOLA: "Si, Senor. But on this show, everyone has to play two parts."

JOKE: [19:30] (Jack gets thrown in the dungeon)

JACK: "(Voiceover) When I came to, Raquel and I were alone, and she was stroking my hair. She was gorgeous. With smooth olive skin, luscious lips, and a figure like Marilyn Monroe's. As I continued looking into her adoring eyes, a thought came to me: What was so bad about Notre Dame and 6 points?"

JOKE: [19:50] (After lots of teasing, they finally do it)

JACK: "(Voiceover) I turned to go, someone was pulling at my sleeve."

MEL: "Oh, senor Irish! Senor Irish?"

JACK: "What is it?"

MEL: "Before you leave, I would like you to meet my little 6 year old son, Tomas."

JACK: "Oh, hello Tomas."

MEL: "Tomas, he is learning to be a magician. He does a wonderful act on the stage with his seester."

JACK: "Really? So you're a magician, eh Tomas?"

Tomas: "Si."

JACK: "Do you have an act?"

Tomas: "Si."

JACK: "With your sister?"

Tomas: "Si."

JACK: "What is your sister's name?"

Tomas: "Sue."

JACK: "Sue?"

Tomas: "Si."

JACK: "Well, what do you do in your act?"

Tomas: "Saw."

JACK: "What do you saw?"

Tomas: "Sue."

JACK: "Sue?"

Tomas: "Si."

JACK: "Now, wait a minute! Somebody put you up to this! Now, who was it?"

MEL: "Me."

JACK: "You?"

MEL: "Si."

JACK: "Who are you?"

MEL: "Sy."

JACK: "Sy?"

MEL: "Si."

JACK: "Now, cut that out!!"

JOKE: [22:20] (Bob gives Jack a fighting chance to escape)

BOB: "You take off your blindfold. Now, here is a weapon for you. And a weapon for me."

JACK: "What?"

BOB: "You count to 10, and may the best hombre win."

JACK: "Well, all right. I'll count to 10. 1… 2… 3…"

[gunshot]

JACK: "Oooh! Not yet. 4… 5… 6… 7… 8…"

[gunshot]

JACK: "Ooh! I think you're cheating! 9…"

[gunshot]

JACK: "You missed me."

[gunshot]

JACK: "That's better."

NOTE: Although the show was edited for rebroadcast, it still has the Sportsmen's tobacco song, as well as the Be Lucky Go Happy chorus at the end.

BOTTOM LINE: Above average episode. The jokes are good, but not great, and the play has a lot more plot than the average Jack play.

7. 10/25/53 JACK BUYS A G STRING (23:04)

SITCOM: Rochester and Roy are cleaning up after a party. Roy wonders if Ronald Colman attended, but unfortunately someone told him to break a leg, and he took it literally. Roy asks his usual batch of questions about the goings on at the Benny Household, until Jack arrives.

Bob arrives, and asks Jack to appear on his TV show. Bob leaves to get ready for his commercial, as Polly sings the Gillette Commercial to him.

With the kitchen cleaned, Jack goes through the usual rigmarole of paying off Roy, and manages to look both generous and cheap at the same time.

Jack decides to go practice his violin. Rochester objects that Jack promised to wait until his day off to play the wretched thing, but Jack has got to prepare for his spot on Bob's show. (Et tu, Bobbe?)

Don calls, sounding a bit odd and out of breath. Don is calling from a phone booth, where he has the Sportsmen inside with him, ready to preview next week's song for Jack. The Sportsmen sing a tobacco-themed version of "Oh!" (with the tobacco verses removed, as this show has been edited for rebroadcast). Afterwards, Don exhales and splinters the phone booth into match sticks.

Jack starts to tune up his violin. The plinking turns into a loud static sound on the recording, which frankly, comes as something of a relief. After a couple of minutes, the recording cuts out to complete silence. Not sure if this is just my copy and if there's a better one out there, or if this part of the episode is simply lost.

After about 4 minutes of silence, the show picks up again. Jack is walking up to a salesman (Mel), asking to buy a string for his violin. (Presumably one broke during the tune-up). Mel directs Jack to the Musical Instruments Department, but as Jack is in the Phonograph Department, he decides to buy some records too, which Mel somehow manages to turn into an excuse to do one of his many voices.

Jack hurries over to the Musical Instruments Department for his usual showdown with Frank Nelson. Jack tries to buy the G-string for his violin and gets into an argument over charging it. Frank thinks that such a small purchase should be paid for in cash, and refuses to write it up as a credit purchase. The resulting argument devolves into the usual fracas, and the episode ends.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Roy Glenn, Veola Vonn

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Frank Nelson, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "...out to Beverly Hills. Last night, Jack had a small dinner party at his home. As we look in now, we find Rochester once again, with the help of his friend Roy, cleaning up."

NOTE: Edited for Rebroadcast

JOKE: [0:34]

ROCHESTER: "It was nice of you to come over and help me with my work, Roy."

ROY: "Oh, that's all right, Rochester. That's what friends are for."

ROCHESTER: "There, the rugs look find now. Help me put away the chairs."

ROY: "Okay. Say, who did Mr. Benny have a the party last night?"

ROCHESTER: "Oh, the usual people. His cast, some of the musicians, and his writers."

ROY: "Were Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colman here?"

ROCHESTER: "No. They were invited, but as they were leaving their house to come over here, Mr. Colman tripped on the steps, and broke his leg."

ROY: "No!"

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, and you should have seen the smile on his face as they drove him off in the ambulance."

[laugh]

ROCHESTER: "Now, let's take the extra leaves out of the dining room table."

[stacking sound]

ROY: "Hey, Rochester. Who was in this chair?"

ROCHESTER: "Frank Remley. Why?"

ROY: "He left his shoes under the table."

ROCHESTER: "Well, put his shoes in the closet."

ROY: "You'll have to help me. He's still in 'em."

[laugh]

ROY: "Say, Roch. Would you like to go bowling with the boys on your next day off?"

ROCHESTER: "I can't, Roy. I have a date to go out with Susie."

ROY: "You've been seeing a lot of her, haven't you?"

ROCHESTER: "Yeaaaaaah!"

ROY: "Tell me, Rochester. Why don't you and Susie get married?"

ROCHESTER: "Oh, we'd like to. In fact, I even talked to her father. But he said he won't let me marry Susie because I can't support her in the same style to which he has accustomed her to."

ROY: "Oh. Well, what does he do for a living?"

ROCHESTER: "Nothing, he's on relief."

[laugh]

ROCHESTER: "Now, let's put all the silverware away."

[clattering]

ROY: "Gee, Roch. I thought you were making more money now. Wasn't Mr. Benny supposed to give you a raise last year?"

ROCHESTER: "Uh huh. Then he got mad at me on February 14; that's his birthday. When he came down for breakfast that morning, I presented him with a birthday cake with 40 candles."

ROY: "Well, what did Mr. Benny do?"

ROCHESTER: "He ate one candle and we were back to normal."

ROY: "And he used a silly thing like that for a reason not to give you a raise?"

ROCHESTER: "Uh huh."

ROY: "Rochester, tell me something. Why is Mr. Benny so, uh… uh, shall we say frugal?"

ROCHESTER: "Oh, we shall! We SHALL!"

[big laugh]

ROY: "Well, what I mean, Rochester, is why is Mr. Benny so anxious to save all his money? Doesn't he know that old saying: You can't take it with you?"

ROCHESTER: "Oh, he knows he can't take it with him. But he figures if he leaves a big enough pile, he can look down and see it."

JOKE: [5:10] (One of Bob's all-time best gags)

JACK: "What is it, Bob?"

BOB: "Well, one of the gimmicks on my television show is a sort of a quiz. And you can help me out."

JACK: "How?"

BOB: "Well, you'll stand behind a screen where no one can see you, and you'll play something on your violin."

JACK: "On my violin?"

BOB: "Mmm hmm."

JACK: "Hey, that's great! And the contestants will try to guess what song I'm playing!"

BOB: "No, what instrument."

JOKE: (5:40)

JACK: "I'll tell you what else I'll do. When the quiz is over, I'll step out on the stage and tell some jokes."

BOB: "Oh gee, thanks a lot, Jack. But we don't have any jokes on my program."

JACK: "Oh."

BOB: "You see, we find it difficult to get laughs on my show."

JACK: "Well, that's funny. I get big laughs on my show. Why is it so tough for you?"

BOB: "Well… well, look. I'm a young man, I'm reasonably nice looking. I sing a fair song."

JACK: "Uh huh."

BOB: "I have my own hair, and I like to spend money. Now, how in the world can I get laughs?"

JACK: "Gee, I never thought of that."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: This is a remake of a joke used by Jack and Fred Allen about Jack Parr, on 5/25/1947.

MY BROTHER THE STAR: [6:20]

ROCHESTER: "The mail just came, Mr. Benny. Here it is."

JACK: "Oh, thanks. Let's see, these are all bills. This looks like an advertisement. Let's see what this ad is."

[opens envelope]

JACK: "Mmm, it's from The Book of the Month Club. They've been trying to get me to join that for years, you know. I wonder if I should?"

BOB: "Oh, that's a good setup, Jack. You get all the latest books."

JACK: "I know."

BOB: "All my friends and family belong to it."

JACK: "What about your brother, Bing?"

BOB: "Well, he belongs to the Yacht of the Month Club."

JACK: "The YACHT! The Yacht of the Month Club??"

BOB: "Uh huh."

JACK: "I never heard of that."

BOB: "Well, the only other member is Aly Khan."

JACK: "Oh."

BOB: "King Farouk dropped out about a year ago."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Socialite Aly Khan was one of Rita Hayworth's many husbands. Farouk was King of Egypt until his overthrow in 1952,

NOTE: Polly not only knows, but does the Gillette jingle, "How are you fixed for blades?"

JOKE: [7:50] (Jack pays off Roy)

ROCHESTER: "Roy is about to leave, and… well, I thought you might want to show your appreciation."

JACK: "Oh yes, yes."

[door open]

JACK: "Oh, Roy?"

ROY: "Yes, Mr. Benny."

JACK: "I want to thank you for helping Rochester. And here, this is for you. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5."

ROY: "FIVE, Mr. Benny?"

JACK: "Yes. Bring your friends, they might enjoy the broadcast, too. It's really, really a good one you know."

ROY: "Thank you, Mr. Benny. I'm sure we'll enjoy the show. Goodbye."

JACK: "Wait a minute, wait a minute, Roy. Before you leave, I want to give you some money, too. "

ROY: "Oh, that's not necessary."

JACK: "Yes, it is. I'll tell you what. I'll play a little game with you. There. Now I've got some money in my fist, and if you can guess how much it is, it's yours. I'll give you three guesses."

ROY: "Okay. A dollar?"

JACK: "No."

ROY: "Two dollars?"

JACK: "No."

ROY: "Let me see, could it be three…"

ROCHESTER: "No, no, you're going in the wrong direction!!"

JACK: "He is not! I've got a five dollar bill. Here it is, Roy."

ROY: "Well, thank you, Mr. Benny. Thank you."

JACK: "You're welcome."

Goodbye. See you next week, Rochester."

ROCHESTER: "Goodbye."

[door close]

ROCHESTER: "Mr. Benny, may I say something personal to you?"

JACK: "What is it, Rochester?"

ROCHESTER: "Well, I'm convinced you're getting more generous all the time."

JACK: "Really?"

ROCHESTER: "Yeah. I'll never forget the first time you played that game with me. I never guessed how much you had in your fist."

JACK: "Let's see. What did I have?"

ROCHESTER: "Three Francs, four Yen and a Peso."

JACK: "Oh yes, I did a lot of travelling that year."

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: [10:00]

JACK: were there any phone calls for me?"

ROCHESTER: "No, but while you were asleep, a policeman from the Beverly Hills Traffic Division came to see you. He'll be back later. JACK: "He wants to see you personally."

JACK: "Oh my goodness, what did he want?"

ROCHESTER: "Well, the city wants to put parking meters in front of your house."

JACK: "Well, why does he have to see me personally?"

ROCHESTER: "Well, they want you to take yours down first."

JACK: "How do you like that?? A rich city like Beverly Hills can't stand a little competition!"

JOKE: [20:30](After talking to Mel in the Department Store)

JACK: "I don't know what's wrong with me today, but everyone looks like my parrot."

JOKE: [20:50] (In the Music Department)

JACK: "Oh, Mister? Mister?"

FRANK: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees???"

JACK: "No! Look, I came over here to buy a G string!"

FRANK: "Violin, cello, or are you a burlesque dancer?"

JOKE: [21:20] (More repartee with Frank)

JACK: "I'm Jack Benny!"

FRANK: "Jack Benny? The radio and television comedian?"

JACK: "Yes."

FRANK: "Well, what a coincidence. My ex-wife thinks you're so funny."

JACK: "Your ex-wife?"

FRANK: "Yes, that was the grounds for the divorce."

JACK: "Hmmm."

FRANK: "The judge even awarded me the custody of the children!"

JOKE: [22:00] (Jack owes 89 cents at the Department Store)

JACK: "Charge it."

FRANK: "Do you have a charge account here?"

JACK: "Yes. Just look under Jack Benny, you'll find it."

FRANK: "Let's see. Yes, here it is. Jack Benny. 366 North Camden Drive. Say! You owe us 89 cents!"

JACK: "What for?"

FRANK: "Cohen on the Telephone!"

NOTE: Cohen on the Telephone was a monologue comedy album, released in 1913, and believed to be the first record to sell a million copies. The entirety of the record is Cohen having a telephone conversation Bob Newhart-style (in which the audience only hears one side of the conversation). Most of the jokes are built around Cohen's thick accent being misinterpreted.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrX-Q9bFJJI

BOTTOM LINE: Probably only a fair episode, though it's hard to tell with the middle missing. The best lies in it belong to Bob, between his joke about having Jack on his show, and the Yacht of the Month Club bit. The scene with Roy is typically good. The ending is very weak, though. In fact, there seem to be several episodes this season that end very weakly. More on that as we go.

EPISODE 8 Benny 53-11-01 858 Four AM Walk.mp3 (2420)

SITCOM: It's 4 a.m., and Jack is asleep in bed when the phone rings. It takes a bit of doing, but he finally wakes up. The phone keeps ringing when he tries to ignore it, so Jack hurries to answer it, afraid that one of his cast is sick.

No such luck. It turns out to be Hank, the All-Night Disk Jockey (Herb Vigran). If Jack knows how many pounds of spaghetti tied end to end would go around the world, he can win two glorious weeks at Pismo Beach. Jack argues with Herb, and is disqualified.

Jack tries to call back, but the Operator (Bea) refuses to place the call at such an indecent hour. Jack tries to complain to Bea's supervisors, but they're all home in bed. Jack gives up, but is too agitated to get to sleep. He goes to Rochester's room to see why Rochester didn't answer the phone. Rochester isn't there, but sneaks in moments afterwards, back from a late night out.

Jack still isn't tired, and so decides to go for an early morning walk. He decides to ask Mary along, and calls her up to ask, only moments after saying that there should be a law against calling people at this hour. Mary is less than enthused, and hangs up after a brief argument. Jack goes for a walk anyway.

On the streets, Jack meets a street cleaner (Mel), who warns Jack against removing items from his barrel. Jack insists that the item he's trying to remove is Frank Remley, his own guitarist. After a brief argument, Jack finally lets Mel take Remley to the dump (serves him right).

Jack continues walking. Although the show is only 10 minutes old, it turns out he's been walking about an hour. Jack marvels at how few people are in the streets, and how deserted everything looks. The Idunno Guy hears him musing, and asks for his autograph, realizing that Jack is someone famous, but not sure who. Jack keeps walking, and passes a movie theater showing "From Here to Eternity", marvelling at how empty it is.

Bob drives by, with Bagby, Fletch, Kimich and Sammy the drummer in tow, on their way to go duck hunting, as soon as they swing by the City Dump to pick up Remley. Day is starting to break, so Jack returns home.

At home, Rochester finds Jack asleep on the couch. Mary arrives to take Jack out to buy new suits for his TV show. She tries to awaken Jack with sexy talk, which only makes Jack dream of Marilyn Monroe. Mary wakens Jack, and, since the Maxwell is out of order, they go downtown on the bus.

They arrive at the clothing store, and are waited on by Frank Nelson. Jack has a look at their second cheapest suits. However, he is too tired to be fit for a suit, and eventually buys one sight unseen. Frank wants to know which of their advertisements brought Jack into the store? Their newspaper ads or their radio spots? Jack didn't know the store even did radio spots, so Frank explains that they sponsor Hank, the All-Night Disk Jockey. Jack tries to strangle Frank, amazingly for the first time ever.

TAG: Mabel does a USAFI commercial

Jack is tucked in by Rochester for a good sleep. He wakes up after 10 hours, completely refreshed. Unfortunately, it's 4 a.m. again. Oh well, time for another walk.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Herb Vigran

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Bea Benaderet, Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Frank Nelson, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Lew Worsham

DON'S INTRO: "And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills. Now, the reason I'm keeping my voice down is it's 4 o'clock in the morning, and I don't want to disturb our little star, who at the moment, is sound asleep."

CONTINUITY ALERT: It's not clear if the telephone operator is intended to be Gertrude Gearshift in the opening scene. She is given no name, and there's no sign of Mabel. In the World of Benny, it's possible that there are two telephone operators who sound just like Bea Benaderet.

JOKE: [2:45] (Jack tries to call Hank the All-Night Disk Jockey)

JACK: "Operator! Operator!"

Bea: "Number, please."

JACK: "Operator, would you please get me Hank, the Disk Jockey."

Bea: "At four o'clock in the morning?? Are you crazy??"

JACK: "What?"

Bea: "If I were you, buddy, I'd crawl out of that phone booth, get a cup of black coffee, and go home."

JACK: "Go home?"

Bea: "If you don't, you'll hate yourself in the morning."

JACK: "Oh yeah, well you're just a smart-alec! Let me talk to the head telephone operator."

Bea: "I'm sorry, but the head telephone operator is busy."

JACK: "Then let me talk to the supervisor."

Bea: "The supervisor isn't in. Would you like to talk to Alexander Graham Bell?"

OH, ROCHESTER!: [4:00] (Jack catches Rochester sneaking in)

JACK: "Uh oh. There's the front door. Just as I thought. It's Rochester. Look at him sneaking into the house. Hmm, he's taking off his shoes. Now he's tiptoeing across the living room. Well, I'd like to see him get out of this. Oh, Rooooo-chester??"

ROCHESTER: "Yeeeeeeees, Boss??"

JACK: "What are you doing up on your tooooes??"

ROCHESTER: "I'm dancing the minueeeeeet!"

JOKE: [4:40]

JACK: "Rochester, what's the idea of coming in at four o'clock in the morning?"

ROCHESTER: "Coming in?"

JACK: "I saw you open the front door and come in."

ROCHESTER: "Oh, that! Well, last night the club I belong to had a social gathering, and the president had intentions of breaking it up at 10 o'clock."

JACK: "Oh, 10 o'clock, eh? If that was his intention, what happened?"

ROCHESTER: "At 9:30, we elected a new president."

JACK: "I thought so."

JOKE: [6:30] (Jack's Walking Monologue)

JACK: "A lot of people get up early in the morning. Some of them even take long walks before breakfast. Maybe that's what I need. More exercise. I notice lately that when I tell people I'm 39, some of them don't believe it."

JOKE: [6:30] (Jack calls Mary)

MARY, blearily: "Hello?"

JACK: "Hello, Mary?"

MARY: "Who is this?

JACK: "Mary, this is Jack."

MARY: "Jack? Jack, what's the matter?"

JACK: "Nothing Mary, I just called to ask you if you wanted to go for a walk with me."

MARY: "Walk? Jack, what time is it?"

JACK: "Twenty minutes to five."

MARY: "Twenty minutes to five?"

JACK: "Yes, Mary. I figured if we walk down Wilshire Boulevard, and headed east…"

MARY: "Uh, uh, Jack?"

JACK: "What is it, Mary?"

MARY: "Let me talk to the man."

JACK: "What man?"

MARY: "The man in the white coat! There must be one of them with you!"

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [8:30] (Jack meets a street cleaner)

JACK: "Good morning, mister."

MEL: "Good morning, Mac."

JACK: "I can see now why the streets of Beverly Hills are so clean."

MEL: "Thanks Mack, but that's what I get paid for. I pick up papers, leaves, rubbish, anything I find lying in the street, I pick up and put in this barrel. And then I take it over to the city dump, and I…"

[rustling sound]

MEL: "Hey, wait a minute, Mac. You can't take nothing out of that barrel."

JACK: "But he's a friend of mine! Remley! Remley, wake up."

MEL: "Hey, you really know him?"

JACK: "Certainly, that's Frank Remley. He leads the orchestra at the Cinegrill."

MEL: "Yeah, that's where I found him laying in front of."

JACK: "Well, did you have a lot of trouble getting him in the barrel?"

MEL: "Oh, I didn't put him in the barrel. You see, we street cleaners all go by numbers."

JACK: "Uh huh."

MEL: "The number on my barrel is 102, and when he saw that, he dived right in."

JACK: "Oh yes, that's his favorite beer. That and 101 others. Anyway, it serves him right. Take him to the city dump."

MEL: "I did that yesterday and they refused him."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: I'd never heard of 102 beer before, but googling it shows that its slogan was "Perfected after 101 brews", and also that it's regarded as having tasted pretty bad.

JOKE: [11:15] (Jack is walking)

JACK: "Look at that tin can on the sidewalk there."

[Jack starts kicking it and singing "Diamonds are a Girls' Best Friend"]

JACK: "Whoops, it went out in the street. Gee, I remember when I was a kid, I used to kick a rock all the way to school. They didn't have tin cans in those days."

JOKE: [11:45] (Jack is walking)

JACK: "Hmm. Look at the picture they're showing at this theater. From Here to Eternity. Gee, at 5:30 in the morning, a theater looks so empty. There isn't even a girl in the box office selling tickets. I've never seen a theater so empty… Yes, I have, but I don't want to think about it."

JOKE: [12:10] (a car pulls up)

[horn sound]

BOB: "Hey, Jack! Jack Benny!"

JACK: "Bob! Bob Crosby!"

BOB: "Jack, the sun hasn't come up yet. What in the world are you doing out on the street?"

JACK: "I'm just taking a little walk. But Bob, where are you and Bagby and Fletch and Kimich and Sammy the Drummer driving to?"

BOB: "Well Jack, my boys in the band don't get much time for relaxation, so I'm taking them duck hunting."

JACK: "Oh, is that why you're wearing those red coats?"

BOB: "Oh certainly, that's a safety measure so the other hunters can see you."

JACK: "Hey, that's quite… wait a minute. Only four of you are wearing the red coats."

BOB: "Yeah, well Bagby doesn't have one."

JACK: "Well, aren't you worried?"

BOB: "No, piano players are a dime a dozen."

JACK: "Of Bagby's caliber, yes. Well, I do hope you bring back a lot of ducks."

BOB: "Well, we can't miss. We've got the most unusual decoy."

JACK: "I see."

BOB: "Once we get out to the lake…"

JACK: "Yeah?"

BOB: "Sammy the Drummer has agreed to wade out into the water until just his head sticks out."

JACK: "What kind of a decoy is that? Sammy's head doesn't have any feathers."

BOB: "Well, I know. But the ducks will think it's an egg and they'll fly down and sit on it."

JACK: "Oh, I get it. And while the duck is sitting on Sammy's head, you'll all start shooting."

BOB: "Oh, not so loud, Jack. He doesn't know about that part yet."

JACK: "Oh gooooood! Good!"

BOB: "Well, we'd better get started, Jack. It's a long way to the High Sierras?"

JACK: "The High Sierra's? But Bob, you're headed in the wrong direction."

BOB: "I know, but we've got to get down to the city dump and pick up Remley."

JOKE: [14:30] (Another forced toupee joke)

ROCHESTER: "Mr. Benny, shall I… Mmm, look at him lying there on the couch, fast asleep. And there's nothing in the room to cover up him up with. I don't want him to catch cold. Maybe I better take it off his head and put it on his chest."

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [14:30]

MARY: "Rochester, did you know that at 20 minuets to 5 this morning, Mr. Benny called me and asked me to go out for a walk."

ROCHESTER: "He did? Who does he think he is? Barnarr Macfadden?"

MARY: "He will be in about four more years."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Macfadden was an (at the time) 86 year old bodybuilding personality. Sort of like "The Charles Atlas Before Charles Atlas."

JOKE: [16:40] (On the bus)

JACK: "I don't know why we had to get on such a crowded bus. I had to stand all the way."

MARY: "I don’t know. Ha, ha, ha!"

JACK: "What are you laughing at?"

MARY: "You were so tired, instead of holding onto the strap, you just stuck your head through the loop and fell asleep."

JACK: "What's funny about that?"

MARY: "At the next stop, a man got on, took one look at you dangling there, and said "I know his last picture was bad, but somebody went too far"."

JACK: "He probably just said that for a gag."

MARY: "Then why did he cut you down?"

JOKE: [18:00] (In the Clothing Store)

FRANK: "I'm sure you'll like both our materials and price range."

JACK: "Price range?"

FRANK: "Yes, we have some beautiful suits at $28.75 and $29.50. Or would you prefer something cheaper?"

JACK: "I didn't come here for anything cheap! I'll take the $29.50"

MARY: "I'm proud of you, boy."

JACK: "Mary, please. Mister, how can you possibly afford to sell suits at such low prices?"

FRANK: "Oh, that's simple. We have no costly fixtures."

JACK: "Oh."

FRANK: "Charlie, pick up some of those suits off the floor and show them to Mr. Benny."

JACK: "Never mind, I don’t want those!"

FRANK: "Very well. Would you like to see something in a sport outfit?"

JACK: "A sport outfit?"

FRANK: "Yes, that's when the coat and pants don't match."

JACK: "Oh."

FRANK: "Now, if you're looking for a real bargain, I can show you a beautiful pair of sport pants."

JACK: "Sport pants?"

FRANK: "Yes, the legs don't match."

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [19:00]

JACK: "Look Mister, while you're gone, would you mind if I lie down on these chairs?"

FRANK: "Not at all."

MARY: "Jack, if you lie down, they won't be able to measure you."

FRANK: "Oh yes we can, our tailor used to work for Pierce Brothers."

JACK: "I'll stand up! I'll stand up!"

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Nobody's heard of Pierce Brothers now, but the joke is perfectly clear in context.

JOKE: [19:30]

FRANK: "Our tailor is off today, I'll have to fit you myself."

JACK: "Well, for heaven's sake, get started."

FRANK: "I will, I will. Would you like me to measure your chest, or would you rather not know?"

BOTTOM LINE: Not as many great lines as usual, but one of the more memorable episodes. Later remade for television as one of the few Benny TV episodes that Mary appeared in

9. 11-08-53 ALL AMERICAN (24:02)

THE SHOW: Jack thanks Don for managing to struggle through a complimentary introduction for a change. A telegram arrives from Dennis, who is eloping to Niagara Falls, and so will miss the show. The telegraph boy (Mel) delivers a sob story that succeeds in wangling a whole dime tip out of Jack, but still isn't happy.

Dennis walks in late. The elopement ended when he got a good look at the bride, who looked a bit like she'd already gone over the falls in a Dixie cup or something. Dennis sings "Eh, Cumpari!"

Jack introduces the play as their version of "All American". Bob and Don both object to Jack playing the Stony Curtis role from the movie, since Stony is so young and Jack is so… so 39, so many times over. Stony himself arrives to try to talk Jack out of playing the part. He finds the idea of Jack playing a college boy to be incongruous. Nobody knows what that word means, but Jack takes umbrage anyway, just in case. Somehow (it's not quite clear how), Jack gets Stony to abandon his objections and watch the play.

The background noise and acoustics change completely, for some reason. Mel returns, with a message for Don this time. It's from a loyal listener who's heard the wonderful things Don has said about The Home Insurance Company of New York. Apparently this is another of those episodes that the Home Insurance Company bought after the series ended and re-edited for their own use, taking out the tobacco references and adding references to the insurance that you'll need to buy… if you smoke too much tobacco, or something like that. Since both Don and Mel appear in this new segment, it looks like the H.I.C. really opened up the old checkbook for these. Mel ends up getting a dollar tip from a grateful Don.

The acoustics change back, and the play begins.

THE PLAY: "All American", based on "The All American" (1953), starring Stony Curtis, Lori Nelson, Richard Long (of "Nanny and the Professor" fame), and Mamie Van Doren (of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" fame).

Jack was the star quarterback at Midstate. He has an absurdly long name that gives Johann Gambolputty-de-von-Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crass-cren-bon-fried-digger-dangle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelter-wasser-kurstlich-himble-eisen-bahnwagen-guten-abend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwürstel-gespurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-schönendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittleraucher-von-Hautkopft of Ulm a run for his money, but which he later changes to "Nick Bonelli", both to make the cheers shorter, and to match the name used in the movie.

Jack switches colleges from Midstate to Sheridan, both because Midstate didn't offer football scholarships, and again to match the movie. The registrar (Bea) checks him in and goes through the usual list of questions.

Before the big game (They're all big, Biff) Coach Itchy Day gives Jack his instructions, which primarily involve scratching his back. Coach Day issues several improvements to the team, such as installing radios in their helmets so they'll know who has the ball.

Jack's roommate (Bob) is a snob, who swears to keep Jack out of his exclusive fraternity. Bob insists that if not for football, nobody at Sheridan would even speak to Jack. Jack insists that they'd still love him for his winning personality, youthful good looks, and other fictional traits, the mere mention of which causes Stony Curtis to leave the theater in mid-play.

To prove a point, Jack quits the team, and becomes the most unpopular man on campus. Until he meets… HER! No, not Mary. This time it's Veola Vonn again, playing the Big Girl on Campus (insert pun here). Veola agrees to marry Jack if he re-joins the team. Veola uses Erotic Persuasion on Jack, which he pretends to resist as long as he can before agreeing to play.

On the day of the big game, Jack can hear the cheers of the Glee Club. It's the Sportsmen singing "You've Got To Be a Football Hero". The school spirit in this song convinces Jack to play, even though the school isn't actually mentioned, and even though Veola had already convinced him to play in the last scene (it doesn't quite make sense, as you can see).

Arriving at the stadium, Sheridan is trailing by one point. Jack takes up his position at quarterback. Jack calls his favorite play, which is stopped cold by the opposing team's front line (played by Don). With seconds left, Jack intercepts a pass, and runs downfield. There's only one person between him and the goal line! It's Mel, back to get his tip! Wait! Didn't Don already tip him a dollar?? No, no, that hasn't happened yet, and won't happen until the Home Insurance Company buys this episode and pastes that scene in! Jack decides not to tip Mel, because after all, it was Stony Curtis, not he, who was the real All American. Which also doesn't make sense, since it was Jack, not Stony who stiffed Mel in the first place… And since Jack already did give Mel a tip, albeit not a very good one. Okay, this really doesn't make sense either, but there's no time left to work it out. Play, Phil! Oh wait, Phil's not here any more either.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone, Eddie Anderson,

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Tony Curtis, Veola Vonn

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Bea Benaderet, Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO:

DON: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the star of our show. A man who, for years, has won the highest accolades of public and critics alike.

JACK: "Oh Don, please!"

DON: "A man whose unique abilities have brought him to the pinnacle of success, and whose... Oh, I can't read this stuff!"

JACK: "You'll read it and like it!! Go ahead."

DON: "A man whose talent is exceeded only by his modesty. And here he is, Jack Benny!"

JOKE: [1:15]

JACK: "Don, I don't see why it should be so hard for you to say a few nice things about me. But I'm happy you managed to struggle through that introduction."

DON: "Well Jack, the only reason I did is because I was afraid you'd fire me."

JACK: "Don! I couldn't fire you."

DON: "Why not?"

JACK: "Because this happens to be National Save Your Fat Week. That's why."

DON: "Aww, come on now, Jack. There hasn't been a National Save Your Fat Week since 1944."

JACK: "Don, Edward R. Murrow can be topical, I have to be funny."

TIP JOKE: [2:00]

MEL: "Duuuh, pardon me, Mr. Benny."

JACK: "Oh, are you still here?"

MEL: "Well, I hate to mention it, but when one delivers a telegram, it's customary for one to get a tip."

JACK: "Oh, yes. How much do you usually get?

MEL: "Well, that's up to you. I wouldn't want to influence you in any way."

JACK: "Well... let's see."

MEL: "Do you mind if I use your phone a minute?"

JACK: "No, no, go ahead."

(dialing sound)

MEL: "Hello, Martha? This is Hoiman? Hey, how's Grandma? Oh, not any better, huh? Well, what can we do? We can't afford medicine for the baby either. But... but Martha, if we spend that money on medicine, we won't be able to buy any food. Huh? The landlord was over? What did he say? (in tears) He's only going to give us two more days, huh? Well, I'll try to see what I can do, Martha. Keep up your courage. Goodbye. Boo hoo!!!"

JACK: "Control yourself! Control yourself, here. Here, I've got a tip for you."

MEL: "Oh gee, thanks, Mister, I... Oh, no!! No!!"

JACK: "What's the matter?"

MEL: "For a lousy dime, I just wasted a routine I could have used on Strike it Rich!"

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Strike it Rich was a controversial radio and television game show that ran from 1947-1958 on CBS. People in need of money for medical treatments or some other emergency would answer questions to try to earn some. If a contestant didn't win, the emcee opened the "Heart Line", allowing viewers to chip in. The recurring Bob & Ray sketch "Hard Luck Stories" was loosely based on this show.

JOKE: [4:30]

JACK: "Dennis, I thought you were eloping."

DENNIS: "Oh, that's all off."

JACK: "All off? What happened?"

DENNIS: "Well, this morning, I was about to propose to the girl, and I really saw her for the first time."

JACK: "You mean…"

DENNIS: "She's got long, stringy hair, beady eyes, bad complexion, a mean face, and she's as big as a horse."

JACK: "Gee, she sounds like a mess."

DENNIS: "Yeah. Boy, am I glad she turned me down."

JACK: "Dennis. SHE turned YOU down?"

DENNIS: "I don't care, I'll marry her twin sister."

JACK: "Oh, fine."

DENNIS: "You should see her twin sister. She's got a face like Marilyn Monroe, legs like Betty Grable, hair like Rita Hayworth, and a face like Eva Gardner."

JACK: "Dennis, if the other girl is so ugly, how could her twin sister be so beautiful?"

DENNIS: "You and Ed Murrow can be technical, I have to be funny."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: The whole Technical vs. Funny bit is a remake of a running joke from a 1940's episode, where Jack tells a joke about his toupee falling out of an airplane even though the windows don't open, because his sponsor wants him to be funny, not technical. Dennis later gives a detailed description of how toothpaste is put in tubes, explaining that his sponsor wants him to be technical, not funny.

NOTE: Stony Curtis, better known as Tony Curtis, was the star of "The Great Race", "Some Like it Hot", "Operation Petticoat" (appearing alongside Cary Granite), "Spartacus" and others. Stony is the name he adopted during his guest spot on "The Flintstones", and I can't think of him any other way.

JOKE: [8:25] (Stony Curtis objects to Jack playing his role)

STONY: "Well Jack, I was at the studio when I heard about you doing the sketch tonight. So I thought I'd get down here as fast as I could."

JACK: "Oh."

STONY: "Jack, you really don't intend to take the part I played in the picture, do you?"

JACK: "Well, of course I do."

STONY: "Don't you think it's a little ridiculous?"

JACK: "What… what's so ridiculous about it?"

STONY: "Jack, the picture happens to be "All American", not "Early American"."

JOKE: [9:15]

STONY: "I think you playing the part of a college boy is incongruous."

JACK: "Oh yeah? Well, let me tell… Hey, Bob? Bob, come here a minute, will you?"

BOB: "Yes, Jack?"

JACK: "What, uh, what does incongruous mean? Huh?"

BOB: "Well, I'm not sure… Hey, Remley???"

JACK: "Never mind!!"

CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack already became acquainted with the word "incongruous" on 1-16-49, during one of Phil Harris' brief (very brief) self-improvement kicks.

JACK'S EYES: [14:15] (In the play, Jack enrolls in college)

BEA: "Now, let's see. Nick Bonelli. Nick Bonelli. Oh, here's your card. Now, tell me, what is your height?"

JACK: "Five foot 11."

BEA: "Your weight?"

JACK: "173."

BEA: "Color of your eyes? Oh, they're blue, aren't they?"

JACK: "Bluer than the toes of a bare-footed field goal kicker."

JOKE: [14:40] (Jack at college registration)

BEA: "You will be provided with tuition, room and board, and you will be given a hundred dollars a month to spend."

JACK: "Do I have to spend it?"

BEA: "No. Now, of course, you and all the other football players will have to earn that money.

JACK: "I see. What will my job be?"

BEA: "Well, in the Dean's office, there's an 8-day clock."

JACK: "And I'm supposed to wind it?"

BEA: "No, the fullback winds it. Your job is to see that he does."

JOKE: [15:45] (Jack meets the Coach)

DENNIS: "You. You're playing Quarter, aren't you?"

JACK: "Yes. What shall I do?"

DENNIS: "Scratch my back!"

JACK: "(Voiceover) This was a thrilling moment for me. At last I had met that great coach, Itchy Day. As I stood there scratching his back, he yelled…"

DENNIS: "Do it again! Do it again! Harder! Harder! Do it again! Do it again! Harder! Harder!"

JACK: "Now, wait a minute, coach. I don't want to do this. I'm an All-American at Mid State."

DENNIS: "Well, you're at Sheridan now, and everybody starts from scratch. And another thing, we have very strict training here."

JACK: "Yes sir."

DENNIS: "That means no parties, no dancing, and no dates with girls. And you'll take all your meals at the training table. You have to be in bed by 9, up at 6, and we practice 7 days a week."

JACK: "But what do we do for fun here at Sheridan?"

DENNIS: "On Tuesday night you play Scrabble with naughty words."

MY BROTHER THE STAR: [18:00]

JACK, Voiceover: "I was the toast of the campus. But I found out Sheridan was different from Mid State. These students were snobs. And my roommate, Robert Carter was the biggest snob of all. He was always nagging me."

BOB: "Hey, Bonelli?"

JACK: "What is it, Robert?"

BOB: "How many times have I told you, when you store things in the closet, keep your moth balls away from mine."

JACK: "How can you tell the difference?"

BOB: "Mine are monogrammed."

JACK: "Oh, Robert. Why can't we be friends?"

BOB: "I don't like riff-raff."

JACK: "But Robert, I'm so popular on the campus. All the fraternities are begging me to join."

BOB: "Well, mine is the ritziest one and I'm sure that you won't get in."

JACK: "Why not?"

BOB: "Because I'm the only member."

JACK: "What?"

BOB: "And the only reason I got in is because my brother owns the college."

JACK, Voiceover: "Later, I found out his brother also owned Minute Maid Orange Juice, the Pittsburgh Pirates, and Pittsburgh."

JOKE: [19:20] (Jack Meets The Big Girl on Campus)

JACK: "(Voiceover) It was then that I saw HER!"

VEOLA VONN: "Hello, Handsome."

JACK: "(Voiceover) She was beautiful. And I had a hunch she was popular too. She was wearing 164 fraternity pins. No dress, just fraternity pins. She smiled, and came jingling toward me."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Milt Josefsberg in his book "The Jack Benny Show", had a story to tell about this joke (pp. 175-6)

"We also had some classic combats with the censors, and some of them were completely pointless. For instance, in one sketch where Jack was a college student, we used the device where Jack would act as the narrator, speaking through the filter mike, to set the scene, and then he and the other performers would do their dialogue on the regular microphones. At this point in the sketch Jack was describing his meeting with the campus queen. He said "Then SHE came into the room. You could tell she was the campus queen because she was wearing seventeen fraternity pins. No sweater, just pins."

Now the actress who played the part of the campus queen was Veola Vonn, who, as I mentioned elsewhere, was built. To give you an idea of her build, if you walked into a room and Raquel Welch was standing next to Veola, you'd push Raquel aside and say, "Excuse me, sir, I want to talk to the girl." But in writing about her entrance for the college sketch, her figure didn't figure in our thoughts. We just thought it was a funny line: "She was wearing seventeen fraternity pins. No sweater, just pins."

Our censor must have worked hours with a tape measure because he came screaming into the studio saying that the joke was dirty. Seventeen small fraternity pins couldn't possibly cover all of Miss Vonn's frontage. To appease the censor we offered to change the number to one hundred and seventeen fraternity pins, but it was still no go. How he arrived at his final figure we'll never know, but he insisted that we say three hundred and fifty fraternity pins. We quickly acquiesced because we didn't feel it would affect the line in any way - but it did. It got the biggest, dirtiest laugh of the year, because the audience evidently figured that we said she was wearing three hundred and fifty fraternity pins because we wanted to show how big her bosom was, and only a girl with a guild like that could carry all those pins."

ANOTHER NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Either Milt is misremembering slightly, or is describing another incident with the same joke, because the line here is 164 pins, and the other line is "No dress", not "No sweater". The "No dress, just pins" line sounds less funny to me than it does... painful. Exactly how are you supposed to wear fraternity pins without a garment to stick the pin into?

YET ANOTHER NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Veola Vonn was married to Frank Nelson in 1970 (after the Benny Show ended).

NOTE: When the crowd cheers Jack's name, it sounds like they spell it Bonnakrazinskavigablubicaikoffsky. Pronounced, it sounds like Bonnakrazinskavigilakowsky.

CONTINUITY ALERT: The Home Insurance Commercial was added after the fact, when the Home Insurance Company bought the rights to broadcast some of Jack's episodes. Unfortunately, in this case, it destroys the continuity of the story. In the original Lucky Strike version, Mel gets stiffed for a tip, then shows up at the end of the play still looking for said tip. But in the Home Insurance Company commercial, he gets his tip from Don Wilson, making his appearance at the end completely… er, incongruous.

BOTTOM LINE: An odd episode. Downsides: A VERY long play, based on a movie that few have seen. Stony Curtis is wasted in a virtual cameo appearance (he's only around for about 3 minutes). Another terrible ending to an sketch. Upsides: The bit with Mal angling for a tip might very well be one of the Top 10 Mel Moments EVER. What little screen time Stony has is pretty good. The play has much more of a plot than most of Jack's plays. The cheer, in which students try to chant Jack's impossibly long name is funnier than it has any right being. ("B! O! N! N! A! K!...") And that fraternity pins joke is a keeper.

10. 11/15/53 JACK PREPARES FOR HIS TV SHOW (24:52)

SITCOM: It's Sunday morning. The milkman arrives with the milk, cream, butter and eggs. In these days, when all that gets delivered to your door is pizza and packages, it makes the modern listener quite envious. The milkman asks about Jack's TV program. Yes, Jack is having one tonight, which is why Rochester is letting him sleep late.

Rochester puts the stuff away, and finds Polly shivering in the fridge. He tries to decide whether to give Polly warm milk or cognac to warm her up (Polly votes for cognac).

Jackson walks in. He's had that dream again, where he's locked in the California Bank, and counts all of the money. Fortunately the books balanced this time (last time he had the dream, he was $2 short).

The doorbell rings. It's Dennis, who seems oddly subdued. Dennis has little to say except that he's running away from home. Again. At his mother's suggestion.

Dennis sings "You'll Never Walk Alone". Jack says he'll use the song next Sunday, even if Dennis runs away, since he secretly recorded it while Dennis was singing. Dennis is impressed than an old man could be so sharp. In the process, Jack slips in a plug for his TV show, in which Johnny Ray will be guesting.

Rochester says that Polly still isn't feeling well, so Jack has him call the vet. Dennis is still talking about running away from home, so Jack tells Dennis to call his mother up, apologize for the argument they had, and tell her that he's not running away from home. Mrs. Day tells Jack to mind his own business.

Don arrives, and insists that Jack stop telling Fat Jokes about him. Don is upset that now that they're on TV, people can see that it's not a joke, and that he really is a big tub of blubber.

Bob calls, looking for Remley, whose latest alcoholic exploit has left him missing for a few weeks. Don and Dennis leave, and Jack leaves for the studio.

Jack arrives at Television City, and meets Mac (Herb Vigran), the doorman, who informs him that they're still getting 500 letters a week in the "Why I Can't Stand Jack Benny" contest that ended in 1945. Jack rationalizes that to hate him, they must be listeners, which is actually a pretty good way of looking at it.

Jack asks a stagehand (Mel) where his director, Ralph Levy is. Ralph (the real Ralph this time, and not an actor) shows up to discuss the program with Jack. Jack finds Remley passed out on the floor, and calls Bob to come pick him up.

Jack and Ralph discuss the show further, and get into an argument when Ralph wants to cut Jack's violin solo because the show is three minutes too long. Jack wants protest to the Producer, but Jack had made Ralph the producer as well, to save an extra paycheck. In the course of their argument, it seems that being both Producer and Director gives Ralph the ability to do Jedi mind tricks that send stage lamps crashing out of the rafters and onto the floor, near Jack. Jack gives in and allows the violin solo to be cut.

TAG:

Jack does a PSA about Fire Prevention.

Don does a PSA for USAFI.

Jack gets a phone call from Johnny Ray, who can't get there until he finds a good enough car to bum a ride from.

In the closing theme (an endlessly looped version of "Be Happy, Go Lucky", Don identifies the show as being an Armed Forces Radio Broadcast.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Herb Vigran, Ralph Levy

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Sam Hearn, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, let's turn back the clock to early morning, and go out to Jack's home in Beverly Hills."

NOTE: Edited for Rebroadcast in the "Around the World With Jack Benny" series.

JOKE: [1:15]

ROCHESTER: "You know, doing radio and television is quite a strain. Even for a man of 39."

MILKMAN: "Who are you trying to kid? You’ve been saying Mr. Benny is 39 for years."

ROCHESTER: "I know, and I'll keep right on saying it until I get a better offer from some other comedian."

DENNIS' ROUTINE: [4:15]

[doorbell]

JACK: "Coming! Coming!"

[door opens]

JACK: "Oh, hello Dennis."

DENNIS: "Hello."

JACK: "How are you feeling, kid?"

DENNIS: "Fine."

JACK: "What's new?"

DENNIS: "Nothing."

JACK: "Oh, well what did you come over here for?"

DENNIS: "To say goodbye. I'm running away from home."

JACK: "Not again! He always runs away from home… Dennis, does your mother know you're running away from home?"

DENNIS: "It was her idea."

JACK: "Oh, for heaven's sake. Another fight with your mother, huh?"

DENNIS: "Uh huh."

JACK: "What happened this time?"

DENNIS: "Well, we were all sitting around the dinner table, laughing and having a good time. And then suddenly she lost her temper when I mentioned August 14, 1924."

JACK: "What happened that day?"

DENNIS: "That's when I was born."

JACK: "Oh, and as soon as you mentioned your birthday, she hit you, huh?"

DENNIS: "Yeah, but she hit my father first."

JACK: "Now, look kid. Why don't you…"

ROCHESTER: "Oh, Mr. Benny!"

JACK: "What is it, Rochester?"

ROCHESTER: "Your breakfast is ready."

ROCHESTER: "All right. I'll be right there. Dennis, have you had your breakfast yet?"

DENNIS: "No."

ROCHESTER: "Well, why don't you run out and get some while I'm having mine?"

CONTINUITY ALERT: As noted previously, Jack isn't the only one who lies about his age. Phil, Don and Dennis have all done it to, albeit to less fanfare. Dennis was supposedly a teenager when he joined the show in 1939 (actually he was 23). Even when Dennis was in his late 40's, Jack was still delivering lines like "That crazy kid drives me nuts!" By 1953, Dennis had been with the show on and off for 14 years. He'd done a two year hitch in the Navy. It's obviously no longer possible to pass him off as a teenager, so they tried to at least keep him in his 20's, and gave a birth date that would make him 29. In actuality, Dennis was born on May 21, 1916, making him 37 at the time of this broadcast. When Jack's TV show ended in 1965, Dennis was older than Jack!

Dennis's real birthday was May 21 (1916). It's not clear how the joke was improved by changing the month to April.

JOKE: [8:15]

ROCHESTER: "Mr. Benny, Polly's still sneezing. Should I call the drugstore and have them send over some medicine?"

JACK: "The drugstore? No, call up a veterinarian and have them come right over."

ROCHESTER: "But Boss, that vet charges a lot of money for home visits."

JACK: "So what? You know where to send the bill."

ROCHESTER: "Hee, hee, hee, hee."

JACK: "What are you laughing at?"

ROCHESTER: "If the Blue Cross ever finds out that Polly Benny isn't your daughter, you're in trouble!"

JOKE: [9:00]

DENNIS: "Say Mr. Benny, can I use your phone?"

JACK: "The phone? Yes Dennis, go ahead."

DENNIS: "Thanks. I want to call TWA. I'm going to get on a plane and go as far away as I possibly…"

JACK: "Now, wait a minute, Dennis. Wait a minute. This has gone far enough. Now you pick up that phone and call your mother, and tell her that you're sorry and that you're not going to run away from home."

DENNIS: "But Mr. Benny…"

JACK: "Do as I say! Now, call your mother."

DENNIS: "Okay.

JACK: "Silly kid, treating his mother like that."

Hello, mother? This is Dennis… Your son. I'm over at Mr. Benny's. uh huh. He wanted me to call you and tell you I'm sorry and that I'm not going to run away from home. What? Okay, goodbye mother."

JACK: "What did she say?"

DENNIS: "She said for you to mind your own business."

JOKE: [10:00] (Don has something to discuss)

JACK: "What is this personal matter, Don?"

DON: "Well, I broached this subject to you before. It's just this. I don't like all the jokes you make about my size!"

JACK: "But Don…"

DON: "Oh, it wasn't so bad on radio because there the listeners couldn't see me. You could even do the same jokes bout a skinny person."

JACK: "Well then, what's your complaint?"

DON: "Now you're doing them on television, and with me standing there, people can SEE I'm a big tub of blubber!"

JACK: "Well Don, I'm sorry."

DON: "Just being sorry is not enough, Jack! I'd like you to take that joke out of today's script."

JACK: "Which joke?"

DON: "The one where you say to me, "Don, are those your chins, or are you chewing on a Venetian Blind?."

JACK: "Don, it's a wonderful joke! And I made it up."

DON: "I don't care, I want it out!"

JACK: "Well!! You must be LOADED!"

JOKE: (12:00)

[phone rings]

JACK: "Hello?"

BOB: "Hello, Jack. This is Bob Crosby."

JACK: "Oh, Bob. Bob, what is it?"

BOB: "Well Jack, I'm kind of worried. You see, Frank Remley has disappeared."

JACK: "No!"

BOB: "Yeah. He's been gone for a couple of weeks now, and I'm getting more and more upset."

JACK: "Did you report his disappearance to the Police?"

BOB: "I went there last night."

JACK: "Well, did you give the Police a good description of Frankie?"

BOB: "Well, I didn't have to. They have his picture, fingerprints, and baby shoes."

JACK: "Baby shoes? Didn't Remley have them bronzed?"

BOB: "Yes, and he used them for brass knuckles."

JACK: "No kidding!"

BOB: "Jack, this could be serious."

JACK: "You're right, maybe Frankie has amnesia and has forgotten who he is."

BOB: "Well, I'm not worried about that. You see, he carries an identification tag with his name, address, and also his blood type."

JACK: "Oh, I didn't… what is Frankie's blood type?"

BOB: "Old Crow."

JACK: "Well, THAT I should have known!"

CONTINUITY ALERT: Bob says that Remley has been missing for a couple of weeks. But Remley was supposedly on the show last week, when Bob tried to ask him what "incongruous" meant.

JOKE: [13:40]

JACK: "You know, Rochester, I'm kind of nervous. I hope I have a funny television show today."

ROCHESTER: "Oh, you don't have to worry about that, Boss. The minute you come on the stage, the audience will start laughing and screaming. You can't miss."

JACK: "What makes you so sure?"

ROCHESTER: "You forgot to put on your pants."

JOKE: [14:10] (On the way to the studio)

[engine sounds]

JACK: "Gee, these new cars are sensational. Power steering. Windows go up when you press a button. A classy horn."

[horn blows]

JACK: "Gee, I'm sure glad I waited for a 1954 Cadillac. Yes sir. Well, here's television city."

[car pulls over]

[door opens and closes]

JACK: "Thanks for the lift, Mister."

CONTINUITY ALERT/THE OLD DAYS: Jack states that the "Why I Can't Stand Jack Benny" contest ended 7 years ago, when Mack tells him that they still get 500 letters a week. The contest ended in December 1945, so it's really closer to 8 (7 years and 11 months).

JOKE: [15:40] (Walking through CBS)

JACK: "Gee, Television City is certainly beautiful. It's got the latest style architecture. The architects put in all the latest improvements. Electric eyes, sliding walls. Thermostatic air conditioning. Indirect lighting. Complete soundproofing. Luckily there's a gas station on the corner. They forgot the washrooms."

JOKE: [16:30] (Jack talks to his director)

LEVY: "It's just a minor thing. But whenever you start a television show, and you're out on the stage by yourself, I notice you always keep putting your hands in your hip pockets. This can be very distracting."

JACK: "I'm sorry Ralph, it's a habit."

LEVY: "Jack, you're out there alone, your money is safe!"

JOKE: [17:10] (Jack talks to his director)

JACK: "Some people told me that when they saw me on television during my last show, that I looked kind of old, and they even detected a few wrinkles in my face. Now, why is that?"

LEVY: "Well, it's very simple, Jack. You see, you know you're 39 and I know you're 39. It's just the camera that's so stupid!"

BOTTOM LINE: A good, serviceable episode. Nothing remarkable, but not bad either, and gets the job done. It makes perfectly good listening, but it features yet another really weak ending.

11. 11/22/53 DENNIS IMITATES PEOPLE ONTHE PHONE

[EPISODE LOST]

12. 11/29/53 THANKSGIVING DINNER

SITCOM: It's the day before Thanksgiving, and Jack and Rochester are doing one of their periodic inventories; this time to make sure that they have enough supplies in the pantry before tomorrow's party. Rochester asks if they can just estimate the number of toothpicks. Jack agrees for the plains, but not for the colored ones.

Mary arrives and gives Jack the business, as usual. As they argue, a row of cans falls and hits Jack on the head. It seems that they did this a few years ago, and it turned Jack back into Generous Jack the Plunger again for a few weeks, but not this time. This time just gets whacked for the sake of it (NOT that there's anything wrong with that!)

The phone rings. Mary answers, and it's Bob. Bob wants a couple of tickets to the show for Remley, who's too embarrassed to ask Jack after last time, when Remley's date broke into a striptease when the band played "A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody". (Not that there's anything wrong with that, either.)

Jack continues his inventory, which includes 4,500 cans of Minute Maid Orange Juice, which he got for guesting on Bing Crosby's show.

Don arrives with the Sportsmen. Don has been invited to Thanksgiving parties by Jack, Harry Von Zell, Dinah Shore, and Jimmy Wallington. Being a big tub of blubber, Don has decided to attend all of them. The Sportsmen sing a tobacco-themed version of "Thanks". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Dv52UL4g7E)

Jack asks Don how the Sportsmen Quartet was formed. There's not much to tell, really. Two of them were singing at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas, while the other two were at the Sahara. The two groups met and formed a quartet. (It's a bit like The Brady Bunch, except without a housekeeper).

Rochester and Mary continue the inventory, which includes items like empty cans (since Jack throws nothing away).

Dennis arrives. Every time he starts to go into his routine, Jack interrupts him (which is a pretty elegant solution to the problem, actually). Except that it turns out that this time the reason Dennis is here is because his house is on fire. He'd wanted to call the Fire Department from Beverly Hills so they'd think he was a big shot.

The phone rings again, and this time it's Mel Blanc. Mel has been on the show for 10 years now, and ain't never complained, but he's tired of always playing animal roles, like rabbits, and woodpeckers. Okay, to be fair, it isn't Jack who makes him play those particular roles, but Jack did make him play an English horse and this week he's supposed to play a turkey. (As he says this, we get a sinking feeling that Carmichael might not have been a real polar bear, but we'll get back to that later). Mel wants to play a human role for a change. Jack refuses him, but dares not antagonize him too much, as he and Mary agree that Mel is too important to the show.

Dennis sings "Ebb Tide", complete with sound effects. Rochester completes the inventory, and announces that they have plenty of everything except for turkey. Jack and Mary go to buy one.

On the street, they meet the Beverly Hills Beavers playing football. They throw a long pass to Jack, which Mary catches, severely straining her girdle in the process. The Beavers complain that Jack has missed the last several meetings, and remind Jack that he's fined a nickel for missing them. Jack points out that he has a radio show every Sunday, and a TV show every third Sunday, but promises to try to reschedule them.

At the market, Jack and Mary meet Mr. Kitzel, who's working there to pay off money he owes to his uncle. Kitzel tells Jack that the turkeys cost 63¢ a pound, and whispers the information to Jack, to keep the turkeys from getting too conceited. (He can't be afraid of them getting swelled heads, as they've already lost them, so this doesn't make much sense either).

As usual, Jack gets a bit misty-eyed about the poor turkeys who laid down their lives before getting a chance to live (although to be fair, turkeys don't do much living under the best of circumstances). Jack decides to buy a live turkey, but ends up picking Mr. Kitzel's wife from the lineup. Kitzel points out a good live turkey (Mel), who weighs about 160 pounds, and doubles as an English horse. The live turkey runs out of the story and into traffic, where it is nearly hit by an oncoming car, but not quite. It's fortunate he isn't hit, because as you'll recall, Mel is too important to the program.

TAG: Jack will be back in just a minute… Would you believe immediately, since the commercial is cut out of the recording.

Jack orders Rochester to put the turkey in the oven, to which Mel objects strenuously.

The show closes with another endlessly looped version of "Be Lucky Go Happy", which is suitable as a substitute for Chinese Water Torture.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Harry Shearer

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, last Thursday was Thanksgiving. And Jack invited his whole gang over for dinner. But let's go back to the day before Thanksgiving. As we look in on Jack's home, he and Rochester are taking inventory, to make sure that they have enough of everything for the big event. They're checking all the items in the pantry. Rochester calls them off, and Jack is writing them down."

THE OLD DAYS: [0:45] (Jack and Rochester are taking inventory)

ROCHESTER: "Two cans of corned beef hash."

JACK: "Two cans of corned beef hash."

ROCHESTER: "Three cans of cranberry sauce."

JACK: "Three cans of cranberry sauce."

ROCHESTER: "Two bottles of A-1 sauce."

JACK: "Two bottles of A-1 sauce."

ROCHESTER: "97 bottles of olives."

JACK: "Ninety… Wait a minute. Rochester. Isn't that the same amount of olives that we had last year?"

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, we haven't used any since Phil Harris left the show."

JACK: "Oh, yes. Bob Crosby isn't a martini man."

JOKE: [2:00] (More inventory)

ROCHESTER: "Three cans of Puss-in-Boots cat food."

JACK: "Three cans of Puss-in-Boots cat food."

ROCHESTER: "Boss, why have we got that?"

JACK: "I borrowed it from the Colmans."

ROCHESTER: "But we haven't got a cat. Why did you borrow it?"

JACK: "Well, they were out of butter, and I didn't want to leave empty-handed."

JOKE: [3:00] (More inventory)

MARY: "What are you doing up on that stool?"

JACK: "I'll be finished in a minute. I'm just putting some stuff up on the top shelf. Would you please hand me those two jars of caviar?"

MARY: "Oh, fine. Fish eggs from a fightin' mackerel, and he calls it caviar."

JACK: "Mary, why do you have to come over here…"

MARY: "Jack, look out!! The stool! The cans are falling!!"

[crashing sound]

JACK: "Ooh!"

MARY: "Jack, are you hurt?"

JACK: "No, no, I'm all right."

MARY: "Ha, ha, ha!"

JACK: "What are you laughing at?"

MARY: "With those fish eggs in your ear, you look like you're going upstream to spawn."

JACK: "Upstream to spawn! Upstream to spawn! A man nearly kills himself, and you talk about romance!"

JOKE: [4:15]

BOB: "Mary, why are you answering the phone? Have you got a new clause in your contract?"

MARY: "No, Bob. Jack would have answered it, but he can't. He's lying on the floor."

BOB: "Holy smoke, he's getting as bad as my musicians!"

MARY: "It isn't that at all. He fell off a stool."

BOB: "Oh well, that's what the boys in the band do."

MARY: "Look Bob, it's kind of hard to explain, but he fell while checking some stuff in the pantry."

BOB: "The pantry?"

MARY: "Yeah, he's making sure he has enough of everything for his big Thanksgiving dinner. You're coming, aren't you?"

BOB: "Oh sure, I bought my ticket two weeks ago."

MARY: Oh, that was smart. There's no sense waiting until the last minute when the scalpers get hold of them. Just a minute, Bob, I'll let you talk to Jack. Jack! It's Bob Crosby!"

JACK: "I'll take it."

[footsteps]

JACK: "Hello, Bob."

BOB: "Say Jack, I wonder if you could get me a couple of extra tickets to next week's broadcast."

JACK: "Well, I might be able to scrape up two. Who are they for?"

BOB: "Well, to tell you the truth, they're for Remley but he was afraid to ask you."

JACK: "Well, he should be after what happened last time. He gave that ticket to his girl and she almost started a riot in the studio! Imagine her walking up and down the aisles, doing a thing like that."

BOB: "Oh, but that wasn't his fault, Jack. The band should never have played "A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody".

JACK: "All right, but where did she get the balloon?? Where did she get the balloon??"

BOB: "Where did you get the pin??"

JOKE: [6:00] (More inventory)

JACK: "Five bottles of vinegar."

MARY: "Five bottles of vinegar."

JACK: "Three bottles of real lemon juice."

MARY: "Three bottles of real lemon juice."

JACK: "4500 cans of Minute Maid Orange Juice."

MARY: "4500 cans of Minute Maid Orange Juice."

JACK: "Isn't that a wonderful guest spot I did on Bing's program?"

NOTE: It seems that there have been a LOT of Minute Maid Orange Juice jokes this season, and always in association with their sponsorship of Bing's show. I know Bing is Bob's less-talented brother, so he gets mentioned a lot, but why does Bing's sponsor get so many free plugs on Jack's show?

CONTINUITY ALERT: At 9:10, Jack says that the Sportsmen have been with him for five years. In fact, they joined the show in Fall 1946, so it should be 7 years.

JOKE: [11:50] (The Old Moose Head in the Shower Trick)

JACK: "Come on Mary, let's finish this inventory."

MARY: "Okay."

DENNIS: "Oh, is that what you're going?"

JACK: "Yes, yes."

DENNIS: "I thought you were cleaning house like my mother did the other day."

JACK: "I'm not cleaning house."

DENNIS: "Boy, did she get rid of a lot of stuff. She threw some old curtains out of the living room, a broken rocking chair out of the bedroom, and she even took the moose head out of the shower."

JACK: "Now Mary, let's… Dennis. Dennis, she took what out of the shower?"

DENNIS: "The moose head."

JACK: "You're going to ignore that, eh Mary?"

MARY: "I certainly am."

JACK: "Hmmm."

DENNIS: "My father put it there, but…

JACK: "Wait a minute, Dennis. Wait a minute. Hold it a minute. I know I'll regret asking you this. But why would your father put a moose head in the shower?"

DENNIS: "The other end would look silly."

CONTINUITY ALERT: Mel complains about always playing animal roles, never human ones. We've run his dialogue through comedifact.com, which reveals that Mel has had had several human roles on the show. Usually tradesmen, telegraph boys, and waiters. But also playing himself (in fact, the recurring theme of the 1949-1950 Season was Mel's various attempts to get a full time role on the show. Comedifact rates this claim Mostly False.

NOTE: Mel does the English Horse imitation again in this episode.

JOKE: [18:00] (Jack and Mary are out for a walk)

JACK: "Oh Mary, look at those boys over there playing football."

STEVIE (Harry Shearer): "Hey Joey! Kick it to me now!"

JACK: "They're nice kids, Mary. They're in my Beverly Hills Beavers club, you know. The bigger one is Stevie Kent. His folks live on the corner. Every time I go for a walk I stop and talk with them. Hey, Stevie! Throw the ball over here!"

STEVIE: "Huh? Hello, Mr. Benny! Here it comes! Look out! I think it's too high! You'll have to run for it! Faster! You better jump for it! Wow! What a catch."

JACK: "Say, that was a good catch, Mary. How'd you do it?"

MARY: "I don't know. But you can buy me a new girdle for Christmas."

JACK: "I will, I will."

STEVIE: "Say, Mr. Benny. You know, you haven't been to a single meeting of the Beaver's Club since the first of September."

JACK: "I know, Stevie, it's unfortunate that you hold your meetings on Sunday afternoon, because you see, every Sunday I do a radio program, and every third Sunday I do a television show."

STEVIE: "Oh. You know you get fined a nickel for every meeting you miss."

JACK: "I know. I've been trying to get my broadcast changed."

JOKE: [20:45] (At the store)

JACK: "Look, Mr. Kitzel, I want to buy a turkey. Are they very expensive?"

MR. KITZEL: "Hoo, hoo, hoo!"

JACK: "You mean they're that high?"

MR. KITZEL: "Come here a minute."

JACK: "Huh?"

MR. KITZEL: "Step closer. Do you know what turkeys are selling for today?"

JACK: "No."

MR. KITZEL: "Come a little closer."

JACK: "Huh?"

MR. KITZEL: "Lean over a little."

JACK: "What?"

MR. KITZEL: "63 cents a pound!"

JACK: "Well, why did you have to bring me over there?"

MR. KITZEL: "I don't want the turkeys to get conceited."

JACK: "Gee, 63 cents a pound. That's a lot of money for turkeys."

MR. KITZEL: "Hey, they've got to live too."

JACK: "I suppose so. Say Mary, look at those turkeys lying there. So cold, and still. Just think a few days ago they were happy and carefree and gay. And now they're 63 cents… I mean now they're dead. Mr. Kitzel, how old were these turkeys when they were killed?"

MR. KITZEL: "About 8 months."

JACK: "Hmm. Didn't even have a chance to live. I feel terrible."

MARY: "You'd feel a lot worse if they were 73 cents a pound."

JACK: "I suppose so. But I don't know, Mary, when I see that turkey lying there like that, I can't help but think of its mother. How lonesome she must be."

MR. KITZEL: "Don't worry, that's her laying right next to him."

JOKE: [21:10] (Word Association)

MARY: "Jack, while you're getting the turkey, I'd better shop around and get some things for the stuffing."

JACK: "I think I have everything at home, Mary."

MARY: "What about cracker crumbs?"

JACK: "Plenty."

MARY: "Stale bread."

JACK: "Two loaves."

MARY: "Oysters."

JACK: "One can."

MARY: "Sage?"

JACK: "39."

JOKE: [22:00] (At the store)

JACK: "I'd like to get a live turkey, about 25 pounds.

MR. KITZEL: "Live turkeys are over there, down by the end of the counter."

JACK: "Oh yes, yes. I think I'll take that one on the right. It looks nice and plump."

MR. KITZEL: "Put on your glasses, that's my wife."

JACK: "Oh. Oh yes, sorry."

MR. KITZEL: "I wish I could get 63 cents a pound for her."

JACK: "What?"

MR. KITZEL: "Nothing, I'm daydreaming."

BOTTOM LINE: A pretty good episode, although again not great. The Mr. Kitzel sketch is a lot harder edged than usual. Several black humor jokes about the dead turkeys, which sound unusual coming from Mr. Kitzel (not that that's a bad thing, either!). Unfortunately, the episode treats us to yet another terrible ending. It seems that the last decent ending to a program was in Episode 8 (the 4 a.m. Walk episode). Since then, it's been a string of lemons. Will someone recognize this problem and correct it?

13. 12/06/53 JACK TALKS ABOUT HIS TV SHOW (29:22)

SITCOM: Jack is finishing breakfast. He warns Rochester not to mention that they're going to Palm Springs, in order to avoid upsetting Polly. As they begin to pack, Jack and Rochester start spelling it where they're going, P-A-L-M S-P-R-I-N-G-S and convince Polly that those words spell "Vacuum Cleaner".

Mary calls to discuss the travel plans. After Jack and Rochester leave, Polly hears a radio ad for the Palm Springs Biltmore Hotel, and the ratfink radio announcer lets slip that P-A-L-M S-P-R-I-N-G-S spells "Palm Springs".

Jack tries to do damage control as Dennis arrives. Dennis is having a tooth pulled from his watch chain after being thrown out of the Elks, and discusses his mother's plans to buy one of them there French bathing suits. Dennis sings an unidentified but familiar Spanish bullfighting song.

Jack and Dennis discuss Dennis' travel arrangements. Dennis isn't going to Palm Springs by car, train, bus or plane. Somehow, Jack manages to resist asking how he's going there, and so avoids getting into a routine.

With the car packed up off, they go. Jack starts the Maxwell (Mel), which is even wheezier than usual. Funny, Rochester replaced the car battery with one from Jack's flashlight yesterday, but it still won't start. Eventually they get the car started, disperse the crowd that always gathers when Jack starts the Maxwell, and begin their trip.

They arrive at Mary's house, pack her luggage, and hit the road. Mary asks about the tent on Jack's roof, but Jack refuses to explain it. Mary has Rochester turn on the radio, (the Maxwell didn't use to have one, did it?). On the radio, Hy Averback is advertising a $9000 necklace on a layaway plan. Hy introduces the Sportsmen singing "Eh, Cumpari!" Dennis sang this song a month ago, but the Sportsmen sing it in both English and Italian, revealing in the process that the Italian lyrics actually have quite a lot to do with tobacco.

Later, Jack is cruising through Pasadena. Mary jokes that the traffic jam is left over from last year's Rose Bowl, but it turns out to be true.

The Maxwell is getting low on gas. Rochester pulls into a station, and Mary shames Jack into filling the tank for once. He agrees to do it, but is a nervous wreck watching the pump dinging. Mel tries to recommend new tires, but the smog is too thick to fit through the holes in the old one.

Bob stops in for a fillup, and Jack is almost as nervous watching Bob's tank fill as he is his own. Bob fills Jack in on the latest alcoholic exploits of Remley, Kimich and Bagby, as well as the latest baldy exploits of Sammy the Drummer. Mary learns that Bob is renting the tent Jack is packing, which clears up that mystery. They leave the station and Jack takes a shortcut to Palm Springs.

Three hours later, Jack is lost. Overheat, they spot a bird. It's Polly, following them to Palm Springs! Play, Phil…

TAG: Jack's TV show is coming on in 30 seconds. Irene Dunne, Vincent Price, and Basil Ratoff are guesting.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Hy Averback

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does his television show with his special guests, Irene Dunne, Vincent Price, and Gregory Ratoff. But first, let's go out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills. Our little star has decided to spend a couple of weeks in Palm Springs. So, just as soon as he finishes breakfast, he's going to start packing.

JOKE: [4:00] (A rare bathroom joke)

ROCHESTER: "By the way, Boss, are you going to stay at the same place you did last time?"

JACK: "Certainly."

ROCHESTER: "Then I'd better keep these things together. Bath robe, slippers and flashlight."

JACK: "Rochester, it's inside now!"

JOKE: [5:00]

MARY: "Jack, on your way over to the store, would you stop over at the store and get me a bottle of suntan oil?"

JACK: "What do you mean stop off at the store? I'm bringing enough suntan oil for everybody."

MARY: "I know, but you don't give green stamps."

JACK: "I wasn't going to charge you for the oil, I was going to give it to you. When I bought it, the company guaranteed its quality."

MARY: "I know, Jack, but after it's been in your crankcase for 10,000 miles, it loses something."

JOKE: [7:30] (French Bathing Suit = Early Name for Bikini)

DENNIS: "Oh, say Mr. Benny, is it all right if I take my mother to Palm Springs with me?"

JACK: "Well…"

DENNIS: "She's already bought a French bathing suit."

JACK: "Your mother?! That's ridiculous!"

DENNIS: "Oh, no it isn't. This morning she tried it on and my father said she really looked French."

JACK: "Really?"

DENNIS: "Yeah. Mr. Benny, who's General deGaulle?"

MAXWELL SOUND: Mel does the Maxwell sound twice as they struggle extra hard to get the car started.

JOKE: [11:30] (In the Maxwell)

JACK: "Okay, start the car."

(The Maxwell tries to wheeze to life, but fails to do so)

JACK: "Hmmm. Hmm, maybe… maybe… maybe we got a little water in the gasoline."

ROCHESTER: "I'd say that we had a little gasoline in the water."

JOKE: [13:30] (In the Maxwell)

JACK: "Rochester, there's Miss Livingstone's house. Put on the brakes."

(very long squealing sound)

JACK: "That's good, Rochester. You stopped right in front of the house.

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, and it only took us once around the block to do it!"

JOKE: [18:30] (In the Maxwell)

ROCHESTER: "Excuse me, Mr. Benny."

JACK: "What is it, Rochester?"

ROCHESTER: "We're getting kind of low on gas."

JACK: "We are? Well, pull in that gas station on the corner, there."

ROCHESTER: "Okay."

(squealing of brakes)

MEL: Duh, yes sir. Can I help you?"

JACK: "Yes, uh we'd like some gas."

MEL: "Yes sir. Would you like Regular or Ethel?"

JACK: "Hmm, let me see. I wonder what would be best for this car?"

MARY: "Blood."

JACK: "Mary, please. I'll take the Regular."

MEL: "Fill it up?"

JACK: "Well, no, no. Put in about three gallons."

MARY: "For Heaven's sake, Jack! Why don't you fill it up?"

JACK: "Mary, three is enough."

MARY: "But you'll have to stop at another gas station for more. Now, why don't you fill it up?"

JACK: "Well, all right. Fill it up, Mister."

ROCHESTER: "Oh, boy!! Wait till I tell the boys at the lodge about this!"

JACK: "Never mind, Rochester. Go ahead and fill the tank, Mister."

MEL: "Yes sir."

MARY: "Jack, what do you plan on doing in Palm Springs?"

JACK: "Well, I think I'll just rest, relax, and [Ding!] One, have a good time. I'm going to take a dip in the [Ding!] Two, swimming pool, every morning. And then play a round of [Ding!] Three, golf, after that. That way I'll get plenty of [Ding!] Four, sun. And in the afternoons I'll just relax and [Ding!] Five, rest till dinner. There's so many good places to [Ding!] Six, eat in Palm Springs. Like the Dunes Dollhouse, and Down the Beach [Ding!] Seven, Combers. Some nights I may go one [Ding!] Eight, and… For Heaven's sakes, that's enough gas!! Stop already!!... Gee, whiz!"

MEL: "Okay Mister, now I'll check your oil and tires."

JACK: "Good."

MEL: "Hey Mister, do you know you've got a big hole in your right rear tire."

JACK: "I know, I know."

MEL: "Well, how come it doesn't go flat?"

JACK: "Because the tire was filled up in Los Angeles."

MEL: "Well, what's that got to do with it?"

MARY: "The smog is too thick to leak out."

JACK: "Yeah."

MEL: "Hey Mister, I can sell you a new set of tires very reasonable."

JACK: "Not right now. You see, they're making so many improvements in tires these days, I'll wait a little while longer."

MEL: "Well, I've got the latest thing right here. Tubeless tires."

ROCHESTER: "We're way ahead of that. We've got tireless tubes."

JACK: "Never mind, Rochester. Just check the oil, Mister."

MEL: "Yes sir."

[bumping sound]

MEL: "Well, the oil is okay, but I notice the pulley on your generator is cracked. You better get a new one, or you'll have lots of trouble."

JACK: "Well. Okay, put one in."

MEL: "I'm sorry, but we don't have any parts for this car."

JACK: "Oh. Well, is there a Maxwell dealer in this town?"

MEL: "Yeah."

JACK: "Where?"

MEL: "In the cemetery."

JACK: "Well…it'll be all right. Now, how much do I owe…"

[galloping sound]

JACK: "What's that?"

DENNIS: "Hi-yo Silver! Away!"

JACK: "Hey, that's how Dennis is going to Palm Springs! Well, what do you know! Say, Mister, how much do I owe you?"

MEL: "That's $2.50."

JACK: "Okay, I'll…"

MEL: "Hey, wait a minute, Mister."

JACK: "Huh?"

MEL: "I just recognized you. Ain't you Jack Benny?"

JACK: "Yes, yes! I am."

MEL: "Gee Mr. Benny, what a pleasure meeting you! How I love you in the movies?"

JACK: "You do?"

MEL: "Yeah, I think you was wonderful in To Be Or Not To Be, Charlie's Aunt, George Washington Slept Here, and Quo Vadis."

JACK: "Well… thank you. Now, you say the gas was two and a half dollars?"

MEL: "Uh huh. Uh, excuse me, Mr. Benny, here comes another customer."

[car pulls up]

MEL: "Yes sir, what can I do for you?"

BOB: "Fill it up."

JACK: "Well, Bob!"

BOB: "Well Jack, hi. Hi Mary, Hi Roch."

MARY: "Hi, Bob."

ROCHESTER: "Hello, Mr. Crosby."

MEL: "Excuse me, Mister. Do you want Regular or Ethel?"

BOB: "Ethel, please."

JACK: "Gosh Bob, isn't it a coincidence? We're all on our way to Palm [Ding!] One, Springs. And we meet at the same gas [Ding!] Two, Station…"

MARY: "Jack!! Stop counting, it's Bob's car."

JACK: "Oh, yes. I forgot. Gee Bob, it's a shame that you have to make the drive all alone."

BOB: "I'm not alone."

JACK: "Huh?"

BOB: "Oh, look in the back. Don't you see? Remley, Kimich and Bagby? They're laying there."

JACK: "Oh."

BOB: "See, this car is that new Hudson. The kind you fall down into."

JACK: "I know, I know."

MARY: "Bob, you only mentioned Remley, Kimich and Bagby. Isn't Sammy the Drummer coming to Palm Springs?"

BOB: "Well, Sammy is coming, sure, but not until just before we do our broadcast there. See, he hates the sun."

JACK: "Why?"

BOB: "Well, you know how bald Sammy is, and he doesn't like his scalp to get sunburned."

MARY: "Well, can't he wear a hat?"

BOB: "Oh no, if he covered his head, he'd lose the $50 a week the distillery pays him."

JACK: "A distillery… a distillery pays him $50 a week not to cover his head?"

BOB: "Yeah. They've got "Don't Be Vague, Say Hague & Hague" painted up there."

JACK: "They couldn't have picked a better head than Sammy's. It's shaped like a pinch bottle."

MARY: "Uh, Bob. Bob, you know, this is none of my business, really, but if the boys in the band are such a bunch of hoodlums, why don't you get rid of them?"

JACK: "Funny, Mary, I asked Bob the same thing last week and he told me their privates lives are their own business."

BOB: "That's right, Mary, and these boys have a lot of experience."

JACK: "Yeah. Bob told me that his boys spent two years with Wayne King."

BOB: "No, no Jack. Not Wayne King. Waste King. They used to install 'em."

JACK: "Oh! Oh! Oh!"

MARY: "By the way, Bob, how come your wife isn't coming to the springs with you?"

BOB: "Oh, she'll be up for the weekend, Mary. She's bringing the kids."

MARY: "All five of them?"

BOB: "Yeah. All five, the maid and the cook too."

MARY: "But won't it be hard finding reservations for that many people?"

BOB: "Oh, I don't have to worry about that. Jack's renting me a tent."

JACK: "All right Mary, now you know! Are you happy??

CONTINUITY NOTE: The joke about Hudson being the car you fall into was used previously as a Phil Harris joke.

BOTTOM LINE: One of the weaker episodes of the season, though not bad in any way. Spelling words in front of Polly is cute, but not that funny. The service station sketch is the highlight of the episode.

14. 12/13/53 CHRISTMAS SHOW FROM PALM SPRINGS (30:06)

SITCOM: In the employment office of one of Palm Springs' leading department stores, Hy Averback is interviewing Mel Blanc. Mel has been working in the LA store for years, and wants to transfer out to avoid a certain blue-eyed gentleman who comes in every Christmas to buy a present for someone named "Don", and ends up exchanging it a half dozen times. Mel explains how this old coot first came into the store in 1946, bought a pair of shoelaces, and kept exchanging the metal tipped kind for the plastic tipped ones, and vice versa. Every year since then (well, not quite), this guy has done the same thing. One year it was a wallet, one year cuff links, and last year a gopher trap. There was even another year that Mel forgets to mention in which Jack threatened to do the same with wooden and celluloid golf tees. Since Mel actually killed himself at the end of at least one of these episode, he seems to be in pretty good shape, but he insists that his health is at stake, so he wants to work here in a completely different city. Hy assigns Mel to the Date Department. Palm Springs is famous for its dates, you know. And most date buyers are tourists from the East. Mel goes off to work, happy that his problem is solved.

Elsewhere in the store, Jack and Mary are wandering. Jack has decided to do his Christmas shopping in Palm Springs this year. Jack ponders what to buy his outstanding secretary, Jeanette (Eymann). Mary suggests a Scrabble game, but Jack points out that Jeanette can't spell. Jack also needs to buy gifts for his sister Florence, his sponsor, Mabel and Gertrude, Hilliard Marks, and of course, Don.

Jack goes to buy a fountain pen for his sponsor. He calls for the floorwalker, and makes the mistake of using the words "Oh, Mister? Mister?" Frank Nelson appears, and he and Jack have their usual tete a tete.

Jack manages to get the fountain pen, and runs into the Tout. The Tout comments "Long time no see", and it certainly has been this time. Jack manages to escape from the Tout untouted, but you know he'll show up again later, as soon as Jack has a decision to make.

Jack has decided what to get for everyone except Don. Mary suggests Dates. Palm Springs is famous for its dates, you know. Jack asks directions from Frank, and gets into another routine with him.

Jack makes his way to the Date Department, where Mel nearly has a heart attack upon seeing him in this store too. Realizing that Jack doesn't recognize him, Mel decides to play it cool (too late). As long as they don't have more than one type of product, everything should be fine. Mel gives a sales pitch for their famous dates, which Jack buys. Jack wants them gift wrapped and a card enclosed, which Mel knows from past experience. Mel wraps the package and hands it to Jack, believing that he's off the hook. Mel, being a blooming idiot today comments that people enjoy these plain dates better than the ones stuffed with nuts. His fate is sealed from this moment on, but you can keep listening anyway.

Jack asks to see the Dates stuffed with nuts. Mel tries to ward him off, but Jack won't be warded. Jack likes the date with nuts better, and makes his first exchange before even leaving the counter this time.

Mel wraps the package of Dates with Nuts. When trying to talk Jack out of making the switch, Mel neglected to mention that the dates with nuts cost 50 cents more than the plain ones. Jack exchanges the dates back again. Mel could have avoided two exchanges if he'd just mentioned the price difference up front!

Jack goes to the Sportswear Department while he waits for the dates to be re-wrapped. Jack meets Bob and gives him advice on what to buy Remley for Christmas. Bob just bought a new fridge for Bing and is on his way to buy toys for the tots. Jack tags along to watch.

In the toy department, they see a toy train that looks like the Super Chief. The Sportsmen are playing with it. Jack asks to hear a song, so the Sportsmen sing "Choo-Choo Train", now augmented with tobacco verses.

Jack looks for the Sportswear Department, and runs into Frank again. He decides to find it without Frank's help.

Jack finds Mary and tells her about the present he got for Don. Mary asks why he didn't buy Dates with Nuts? Don loves nuts. Jack goes back to exchange them again.

Back at the Date Counter, Mel has just finished re-wrapping the Plain Dates when Jack comes back and exchanges them again. Mel is beginning to come unglued at this point, but Jack insists he'll be back for those Nutty Dates later.

Jack goes to the Lingerie Department to buy silk pyjamas for his sister, Florence. The Tout appears and touts off of pyjamas and onto a nightgown.

Jack runs to Sporting Goods, where Mary is shopping for him. Jack explains that he's got to get gifts for Dennis and Rochester, even though they aren't in this episode. In the middle of it all, Don appears, looking thinner than usual. Don explains that his doctor has put him on a strict diet, that excludes sugar, cream, butter, nuts (my italics) and pastry. Jack resolves to exchange for the plain Dates again.

At the Date Counter, Mel is fairly calm, but comes completely unglued when Jack exchanges the dates once more. In anticipation of the switch, Mel produces a gun that he took the precaution of procuring. He tries to shoot himself, but misses. Now that this is an annual feature, he's not even allowed the joy of killing himself any more.

TAG: We're a little late, folks.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Rochester

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Hy Averback

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Sheldon Leonard, Frank Nelson, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "And now Ladies and Gentlemen, let's go back to yesterday morning, and visit the employment office of one of Palm Springs' leading department stores.

NOTE: This episode is broadcast from Palm Springs.

JACK VS. MEL: Christmas Shopping episodes are a tradition on Jack’s show, going back to the 1930’s. Starting in 1946, and lasting until the end of the radio series, every Christmas Shopping episode with the exception of 1949 has featured another installment of a feud between Jack and Mel Blanc, who plays a sales clerk in the unnamed but fashionable Beverly Hills department store. Each incident begins when Jack purchases a gift for Don Wilson at Mel’s counter, and then, for one reason or another, keeps exchanging or altering the gift until Mel completely flips his lid. Here is a year-by-year recounting of these incidents:

· 1946: Jack buys shoelaces, but keeps exchanging the Plastic-tipped and Metal-tipped types for each other.

· 1947: Mel remembers last year and goes nuts upon seeing Jack again, but nothing is actually exchanged.

· 1948: Jack buys a Wallet, and keeps changing the message on the card. Finally, he exchanges the wallet itself. Mel does not remember the incidents of the previous two years. This installment later remade for television. Mel shoots himself at the end of this episode.

· 1949: No installment this year. Mel plays an attendant who herds customers in and out of the store with a whip, while singing “Mule Train”.

· 1950: Jack buys Golf Tees. When he appears unsure about whether to buy Wooden or Celluloid tees, Mel breaks down immediately, but as in 1947, nothing is actually exchanged. Mel remembers the Shoelace incident, but not the Wallet.

· 1951: Jack buys Cuff Links, and keeps changing the engraving. Mel remembers none of the previous incidents. Again, Mel shoots himself at the end of this episode.

· 1952: Jack buys a gopher trap, and keeps exchanging the Lethal for the Non-Lethal model, and vice versa. Mel remembers the Shoelace and Cufflink Incidents (even though he didn’t survive that one), but not the Wallet or Golf Tee Incidents. Mel escapes early this year, and so Jack drives Mel’s psychiatrist crazy instead.

· 1953: Jack buys Dates, and keeps exchanging the ones With Nuts for the ones Without Nuts, and vice versa. Mel remembers the Shoelace, Wallet, Cuff Link and Gopher Trap Incidents, but not the Golf Tee Incident.

· 1954: Jack buys a paint set, and keeps exchanging the oil paints for water colors, and vice versa. Mel escapes early this year, so Jack drives his wife, Bea Benaderet crazy instead.

JOKE: [0:00]

[Love in Bloom]

DON: "From Palm Springs, California, The Lucky Strike Program, Starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingstone, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and Yours Truly, Don Wilson."

[music up and out]

DON: "And now ladies and Gentlemen, let's go back to yesterday morning, and visit the employment office of one of Palm Springs' leading department stores.

[ding, ding]

HY AVERBACK: "And now, looking at your record, Mr. Blanc, I see that you've worked in our Los Angeles store for 7 years."

MEL: "That's right, sir."

HY: "And just why did you want to transfer from our Los Angeles store to our Palm Springs store?"

MEL: "For my health, sir."

HY: "Oh, I see. Your doctor thought the sunshine and fresh air would be good for you?"

MEL: "Not my doctor, my psychiatrist."

[Last year, Hy Averback himself played Mel’s psychiatrist in the Christmas Shopping episode.]

HY: "Well uh, tell me, Mr. Blanc, just what was it that caused you to go to the psychiatrist?"

MEL: "A customer that kept coming into the store every year, just before Christmas."

HY: "A customer?"

MEL: "Yeah. He first came into the store in 1946. He was a kindly looking blue-eyed old gentleman. He brought a Christmas present, and then 6 times during the day, he came back. Tested me and exchanged it for a different model."

HY: "Well, what was the gift he kept exchanging?"

MEL: "Shoelaces."

HY: "He bought shoelaces for a Christmas present!?"

MEL: "Yeah, for someone named Don."

HY: "Well, how could he possibly exchange shoelaces 6 times?"

MEL: "Well, first he bought the laces with metal tips. Then he came back because he thought plastic tips looked more modern. Soon he was back again, he was afraid the plastic tips might crack. So we went back to metal tips! Then he got to thinking the metal tips might rust! So he came back to change them to plastic tips! Six times he changed his mind!! Plastic tips! Metal tips! Plastic tips! Metal tips! Plastic tips! Metal tips! Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

HY: "Sir, control yourself! Stop screaming! People will think that you just saw the Palm Springs prices!"

MEL: "I… I'm sorry, sir. But every year since then, this man has been back buying gifts for Don and exchanging them. One year it was a wallet. One year it was Cuff Links."

HY: "What did he buy this “Don” last Christmas?"

MEL: "A gopher trap!"

HY: "A gopher trap!? Well, tell me, Mr. Blanc. Do you feel you're well enough now to go back to work?"

MEL: "Oh yes, yes. The psychiatrist gave me some pills which I always carry with me. I take one whenever I start to get excited."

HY: "Well, that's good. Now, I'm going to assign you to the Date Department."

MEL: "The Date Department?"

[Palm Springs is famous for its dates, and Date jokes permeate most episodes Jack broadcast from that location.]

HY: "Yes. There you'll meet mostly tourists from the east, who wish to send some of these delicious dates back home."

MEL: "Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you very much."

HY: "Well, you'd better get to work, Mr. Blanc. The store has been open for half an hour already."

MEL: "Yes sir."

[crowd noises]

[ding, ding]

MARY: "You know, Jack. I must admit this was a good idea of yours. Doing your Christmas shopping here in Palm Springs."

JACK: "Well, sure Mary. After all, this is a branch of the Los Angeles store. They have everything here. Now, let's see my shopping list. I have to get loads of gifts. Now, what will I get for my secretary, Jeanette?"

[Jeanette Eymann, a real secretary who has played a few small appearances in the show, and even gotten callouts in a few episodes.]

MARY: "Oh, you ought to get her something nice. You like her, don't you?"

JACK: "Uh huh. She's very pretty, and she's got a wonderful figure. I'm lucky to have a secretary like her."

MARY: "Well, why don't you get her a game of Scrabble?"

JACK: "No, no, she can't spell. She can't take shorthand, either. I may have to let her go if she doesn't learn how to type soon. But she's a wonderful secretary. Now, let's see."

MARY: "Uh, Jack. Have you thought about your sister, Florence?"

[Jack's older sister, Florence Fenchell (formerly his younger sister), has been mentioned relatively often over the years, especially in Christmas shopping episodes.]

JACK: "Yes, quite often. Now, let's see…"

MARY: "I mean, how about getting her a gift?"

JACK: "Oh, I'll get her something. Now, let's see, gee, I don't know what to get my sponsor."

MARY: "Well, how about a nice fountain pen?"

JACK: "Hey, that's a good idea, Mary. I'll meet you back here later."

MARY: "Okay."

[ding, ding, ding]

[crowd noises]

JACK: "I wonder what department I can get fountain pens? Let's see. Where's the floorwalker? I'll ask him. Oh, Mister? Mister?"

FRANK NELSON: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees??"

JACK: "Hmm. Look, I want to buy some gifts."

FRANK: "Gifts, huh? You're probably buying them for business associates and relatives."

JACK: "That's right. How did you know?"

FRANK: "I didn't think you had any friends."

JACK: "Look, that's none of your business! Now, I want to buy a fountain pen. Does this store have any?"

FRANK: "Yes, we have ballpoints, regulars, and the new Palm Springs pen."

[Since when is a ballpoint a type of fountain pen?]

JACK: "A Palm Springs pen?"

FRANK: "Yes, you fill it with suntan oil, and write love letters in the sand."

JACK: "Oh, never mind. I'll find the place myself."

[footsteps]

JACK: "What a silly floorwalker. I think I can get the pens on the next floor.

[ding, ding, ding]

JACK: "Well, I got the fountain pen for my sponsor. And now I've got to get something for Hacky Marks, my producer, and Bert Scott…"

[Hilliard Marks, 1913-1982 was Mary's brother.]

MARY: "Oh, Jack! Jack!"

JACK: "Oh, there you are, Mary."

MARY: "Well, what took you so long? Did you get the present for your sponsor?"

JACK: "Uh huh. And I was just wondering what to get the two CBS telephone operators. Mabel Flap saddle and Gertrude Gearshift. Mary, what would you suggest for them?"

MARY: "Well, I don't know, Jack. How much do you want to spend?"

JACK: "I don't know, about $5 apiece."

MARY: "Well, why don't you get them each a hundred Gillette Blue Blades?"

JACK: "No Mary, I… I gave them that last year. Well, I'll think of something. Now, let's see. Who else?"

RACETRACK TOUT (Sheldon Leonard): "Hiya, Bud."

JACK: "Huh?"

TOUT: "Long time no see."

JACK: "Yeah, yeah. Come on, Mary, lets go."

MARY: "Uh, Jack? Wasn't that the fellow…"

JACK: "Yes Mary, he's the Racetrack tout, you know. Probably resting up here until Santa Anita opens. Let's get away from him."

[footsteps]

JACK: "Well, that takes care of practically everybody on my list except Don Wilson. He's always such a problem."

MARY: "Wait a minute, Jack. Since we're all down here in Palm Springs, why don't you give him something in keeping with the resort? Like uh, well, like… a nice box of dates!"

JACK: "I think you've got it. You know, Don loves to eat. Come on, let's go to the Date Department."

MARY: "Uh, no Jack. I've still got some of my own shopping to do. I'll meet you later in the Sportswear Department."

JACK: "Okay. I'll be there in about 10 minutes. Now, let's see. Where's the Date Department? I'd better ask the floorwalker. Oh, Mister? Mister?"

FRANK: "Oh, it's you again!"

JACK: "Yes, look. Can I get to the Date Department going through the Sporting Goods section, and taking the last aisle to the left?"

FRANK: "Just this once, but don't ever do it again!"

JACK: "Thanks."

[ding, ding, ding]

JACK: "Ah, here's where they sell the dates. Oh, Clerk! Clerk?"

MEL: "Yes, sir! What can I doooooh! Ooooh! Oooh!!!"

JACK: "What… what's the matter, Clerk?"

MEL: "Uh, nothing! Nothing!"

MEL: "(to himself) He doesn't recognize me! I'll be calm. What can he do to me in the Date Department?"

[Jack NEVER recognizes Mel from their previous encounters, so this doesn't mean much.]

MEL: "Uh, yes sir! What can I do for you?"

JACK: "Well, are these dates fresh?"

MEL: "Oh, yes sir, they're grown right here in Palm Springs, under the most ideal conditions."

JACK: "What do you mean ideal conditions?"

MEL: "Well, these dates are kissed all day by the hot desert sun, till three o'clock, when it goes behind the mountain, and then they're in nature's deep freeze."

JACK: "Oh. Well, this box looks very nice. I'll take it, huh?"

MEL: "That's $1.65."

JACK: "Fine. I'd like it gift wrapped."

MEL: "I know, I know."

JACK: "Put his card in with it, will you?"

MEL: "Okay, okay. Excuse me while I wrap it at that counter over there."

[footsteps]

[wrapping sound)

MEL: "(to himself) Gee, that wasn't bad at all. I didn't even have to take a single pill. There, now I'll cut the ribbon."

[snip, snip]

MEL: "Here you are, Mister. All wrapped for Christmas. Red and green ribbon and everything."

JACK: "Thanks. Gee, I hope Don likes these dates."

MEL: "Oh, I'm sure he will. Everybody likes these plain dates better than the ones stuffed with nuts."

[big laugh]

JACK: "Yes,… you… you have dates stuffed with nuts?"

MEL: "(to himself) I had to tell him yet. Why didn't that psychiatrist teach me to keep my mouth shut."

JACK: "Let me see a box of the ones stuffed with nuts."

MEL: "Oh Mister, you wouldn't like 'em! He wouldn't like 'em! Nobody would like 'em! Believe me! Believe me!"

JACK: "Oh, here they are, right here. Gee, they do look delicious."

MEL: "But Mister…"

JACK: "After all, Christmas only comes once a year. I may as well give Don the best. I want this box with the stuffed dates."

MEL: "My pills! My pills! Where are my pills! Oh, here they are! Gulp!"

JACK: "Clerk, those pills aren't going to do you any good."

MEL: "Why not?"

JACK: "You're supposed to take them out of the bottle before swallowing them."

MEL: "Maybe I'll be lucky! Maybe the glass will kill me. Here. Here's your card from the plain dates."

JACK: "You keep it. Put it in the stuffed date box."

MEL: "Okay. Excuse me while I wrap it."

JACK: "Oh, clerk! Clerk, hold it a minute."

MEL: "What?"

JACK: "I just thought of something. That card is a printed one, it's too formal. I'm going to write something more personal."

MEL: "Okay, I fooled you this time. I didn't put the card in the package!"

JACK: "What?"

MEL: "Nothing, nothing. You write the card, I'll wrap the package."

JACK: "Okay. Now, let me see. Oh yes, I'll write him a little poem. 'To Don. This Christmas I'm giving you something to chew. These delicious dates, and nuts to you.' Hmm, that doesn't sound right."

MEL: "Okay Mister, here's your package."

JACK: "Thanks."

MEL: "That'll be $2.15."

JACK: "I thought it was $1.65."

MEL: "That was for the plain dates."

JACK: "Well, there aren't any more dates in this box, are there?"

MEL: "No, but these are stuffed!"

JACK: "Well, look Mister, I'm not going to pay $.50 extra for a few nuts!"

MEL: "But look…"

JACK: "It's not the money, it's just that I don't want to be a sucker about these things. I want the plain ones!"

MEL: "You want them gift wrapped?"

JACK: "Uh huh."

MEL: "ALL RIGHT!! I'LL WRAP 'EM, I'LL WRAP 'EM!!"

JACK: "Good, I'll be back and pick 'em up later. I've got to meet someone in the Sportswear Department."

[ding, ding]

JACK: "Gee, I don't want to keep Mary waiting, but I can't find the Sportswear."

BOB CROSBY: "Why, hello Jack!"

JACK: "Oh, hi Bob! You doing your Christmas shopping too, huh?"

BOB: "Yeah, me and my piano player, Charlie Bagby, have been here all morning."

JACK: "Oh, Bagby is here, huh? He's not in Los Angeles?"

BOB: "No, I brought him with me to Palm Springs. I felt that the change of gutters would do him some good."

JACK: "I hope so. Where's Charlie now?"

BOB: "Well, he sneaked away from me. I think he didn't want me to see what he's getting me for Christmas. And it's just as well, because I wanted to do some shopping for the boys in the band."

JACK: "Oh, you're buying Charlie's gift now?"

BOB: "No, I've got his already. But I am kind of stuck for what to get for Frank Remley."

JACK: "Well, look Bob, that should be no problem. Why don't you get Frankie a cordial, you know? Like a bottle of Drambuie?"

BOB: "Oh Jack, that's a nice gift, but not for Remley. You see, Drambuie, that's an after-dinner drink."

JACK: "So, what?"

BOB: "Well, Remley never quite lasts until after dinner."

JACK: "I see what you mean. Say, I meant to ask you, Bob, what are you getting your brother Bing for Christmas?"

BOB: "Well, he just bought a boat, so I'm going to give him an Admiral refrigerator."

JACK: "well, isn't that clever? So, Bing bought a boat, huh?"

BOB: "Yes, the Lurlene."

[laugh]

[FORGOTTEN HUMOR: Not sure what this means. Possibly a reference to Lurlene Tuttle, who worked with Bing on an adaptation of Oscar Wilde's The Happy Prince in 1946, but it's not clear why that would be funny in 1954.]

JACK: "Oh. Are you shopping for the rest of your family here too, Bob?"

BOB: "Yes, I am, as a matter of fact. I'm on my way to the Toy Department to get something for my children."

JACK: "Hey, do you mind if I join you? I always get a kick out of the new toys they have for kids."

BOB: "Oh no, Jack, it's right across the aisle."

[ding, ding]

[train sounds]

DON: "Hey, Jack! Jack, look at that set of electric trains! Isn't that terrific? Hey, that one there looks just like the Super Chief."

JACK: "Yeah, what a toy. And Bob, isn't that The Sportsmen Quartet standing there running them?"

DON: "It sure is. Hey fellas, let Jack hear your Train Song."

[The Sportsmen sing a tobacco-themed version of "Choo-Choo Train"]

JACK: "Hey fellas, that was real cute! I've got to run along, I'm supposed to meet Mary at the Sportswear Counter. Bob, do you know where it is?"

DON: "No, I'm sorry, I don't, Jack."

JACK: "Well, I'll find it myself. So long, fellas."

[ding, ding, ding]

JACK: "Darn, I can't find that Sportswear Department. I'd better ask the floorwalker. Oh, Mister, can you tell me where I can find…"

FRANK: "Well!! If it isn't Little Boy Lost again!"

JACK: "Never mind, I'll find the department myself."

[ding, ding]

MARY: "Oh, Jack! Jack!"

JACK: "Right here, Mary."

MARY: "Did you get the dates for Don?"

JACK: "Yes Mary, I got 'em. I'll have to pick it up soon, it's being gift wrapped. A nice box of plain dates."

MARY: "Plain dates?"

JACK: "Mmm hmm."

MARY: "Well Jack, why didn't you get the ones stuffed with nuts? Don loves nuts."

JACK: "He does?"

MARY: "Certainly. At his house, haven't you ever noticed what's in that big bowl on the coffee table?"

JACK: "Yes, hams and turkeys."

MARY: "Underneath there's nuts."

JACK: "Okay. I'll go do it right now. Come on, we'll go together."

MARY: "Oh no, Jack, I've still got some more gifts to buy. You can meet me at the Sportswear Counter."

JACK: "Okay."

[ding, ding, ding, ding]

[big laugh, like the audience is seeing something]

JACK: "Oh, clerk? Clerk?

MEL: "Huh? Oh. Here's your package, Mister, all gift wrapped and everything. One box of plain dates, $1.65."

JACK: "Well, I'm sorry. See, I don't want those. See, I want the ones with the nuts in 'em."

MEL: "Oh no, no, no. Mister, let me alone! I'm all out of pills!"

JACK: "I don't know what you're talking about! I want a box of stuffed dates, gift wrapped immediately!"

MEL: "Okay! Okay, I'll do it."

[footsteps]

MEL: "How can I avoid this guy? I tried everything. Even getting myself transferred. I wonder if this store has a branch behind the Iron Curtain?"

JACK: "Look Clerk, I've got some other shopping to do. Now you wrap those dates with nuts, and I'll be back later!"

MEL: "I'm sure you will!!"

JACK: "Now, let's see. I remember where Mary said she'd meet me."

[ding, ding, ding]

JACK: "Gee, she's not here. Gosh, I still haven't gotten anything for my sister, Florence. Gee, that's the Lingerie Department. Maybe I can find something there."

[footsteps]

JACK: "Let's see, maybe she'd like this beautiful pair of silk pajamas. Yeah, that's what I'll get. Pajamas."

TOUT: "Hey, Bud. Bud?"

JACK: "Huh?"

TOUT: "C'mere a minute."

JACK: "Who, me?"

TOUT: "Yeah. What're ya doing?"

JACK: "I'm buying a gift for my sister."

TOUT: "What're ya going to get?"

JACK: "Pajamas."

TOUT: "Uh uh."

JACK: "What?"

TOUT: "Get her a nightgown."

JACK: "A nightgown? Why?"

TOUT: "Nightgown is a sleeper."

JACK: "Well, well so are pajamas."

TOUT: "I know, but with pajamas, when they're off, the legs'll fold."

JACK: "Gee, I… I never thought of that."

TOUT: "When you make your selections, you've got to consider the string."

JACK: "The pajama string?"

TOUT: "Yeah. It's all right while it's going around the back stretch, but when it comes out in front, it ties up in a knot."

JACK: "Gee! Maybe you're right."

TOUT: "Of course I'm right. Nightgown is a great Show Bet."

JACK: "I see what you mean. Well, so long."

TOUT: "So long, Bud."

JACK: "I've wasted so much time, I'll have to buy Florence's present later. I'd better get over to the Sporting Goods Department. Mary is probably waiting for me."

[ding, ding, ding, ding, ding]

CLERK: "Now uh, tell me Miss, this fellow you're buying the present for. Is he your uh, boyfriend?"

MARY: "No, in fact he's my boss."

CLERK: "Oh, then you'll want to get him something nice. After all, he's responsible for your bread and butter."

MARY: "Only bread."

CLERK: "Oh. Well uh, tell me Miss, what kind of a man is your boss?"

MARY: "Oh, nothing unusual about him. He's average height, average weight…"

CLERK: "How old is he?"

MARY: "Well, he says he's around 39."

CLERK: "Around 39, eh?"

MARY: "Yeah, but I think it's his second time around. Let me see, uh, maybe I…"

JACK: "Oh, Mary? Mary?"

MARY: "Oh, I'll be back later, Mister. Here he comes now."

CLERK: "That man coming down the aisle?"

MARY: "Yes."

CLERK: "I think it's his third time around."

JACK: "Oh, Mary? I've been looking all over for you."

MARY: "Oh, I'm sorry Jack. Anyway, I'm all done with my shopping, and I can help you with yours."

JACK: "Good, because I still have to get gifts for Dennis Day, Rochester, and Bob Crosby. Then I'll be all fin…"

DON: "Oh, Jack! Mary!"

MARY: "Oh, hello Don!"

JACK: "Hello, Don!"

Don: "Hi."

JACK: "Doing your Christmas shopping, Don, huh?"

DON: "Yeah. I'm just about finished, though."

JACK: "So are we. Say Don, let me look at you. Gee, you look marvelous. What a wonderful tan."

MARY: "Yes Don, you're really brown. How long have you been in Palm Springs?"

DON: "Three days."

JACK: "Gee, how did you get such a wonderful tan in three days?"

DON: "I haven't been able to find a room."

MARY: "Say Don, besides being so tan, I've never seen you look so good. You've lost some weight, haven't you?"

DON: "Yes, quite a bit, Mary. The doctor put me on a diet."

[big laugh]

JACK: "Oh, you poor guy. You must be starving yourself."

DON: "Oh no, no Jack, it's not a hard diet at all. I eat practically everything. I juts have to cut out a few things, like sugar, cream, butter, nuts and pastry."

[bigger laugh]

MARY: "Well… that's not too bad."

DON: "Oh no, no. I feel fine, I feel fine. Well, I've got to hurry and finish my shopping."

MARY: "So do we."

DON: "So long Mary, goodbye, Jack!"

MARY: "Come on, Jack, let's go over to the counter where… Jack? Jack? What are you thinking about?"

JACK: "Mary? Didn't you hear what Don said about his diet?"

MARY: "Yes. So what?"

JACK: "So what?? I got him the dates with nuts. It's not only fattening, it's more expensive. Mary, wait for me here, I'm going back and exchange them. I'm going to get the plain kind."

[ding, ding, ding]

JACK: "Well, here's the Date Counter. Oh, clerk! Clerk!"

MEL: "Oh uh, here you are, sir. All wrapped and ready to go."

JACK: "Gee, I'm… I'm sorry I've put you to all this trouble."

MEL: "That's all right, Mister. Here's your package."

JACK: "But um, lookit, I want the plain ones now."

MEL: "One, two, three, four… I'll never make it!! I'll never get to 10!!"

JACK: "Look Mister, control yourself."

MEL: "Control myself?? This is the fourth time you've changed these dates!"

JACK: "Don't be so fresh! Just exchange the dates!"

MEL: "Not this time! Oh no, not this time! I outsmarted you! I went to the Sporting Goods Department and got this loaded gun!"

JACK: "Mister, put that gun away! Don't point it at your head! Suicide is a terrible way…"

[gunshot}

JACK: "Clerk!"

MEL: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Now look what you've done! You made me so nervous I missed!!"

JACK: "Mister, control yourself!"

MEL: "I won't control myself! First you wanted the plain dates! Then the ones with the nuts! Then the ones with plastic tips!"

JACK: "Look…"

MEL: "Then you wanted the dates stuffed with metal tips! Then you wanted the dates that trapped the gophers alive!! Then you wanted the gophers with nuts! Then you wanted the nuts with plain gophers! Then you wanted the shoelaces that had dates with gophers!!"

JACK: "Look Mister…"

MEL: "Shoelaces! Gopher Traps! I can't stand it any longer!! I can't, I can't, I can't! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!"

[theme music]

DON: "Jack will be back in just a minute, but first a word to cigarette smokers."

DOROTHY COLLINS: "Luckies taste better."

CHORUS: "Cleaner, fresher, smoother."

DOROTHY COLLINS: "Luckies taste better."

CHORUS: "Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Richer tasting fine tobacco."

DOROTHY COLLINS: "Luckies taste better."

CHORUS: "Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike!"

DON: "This is Don Wilson, friends. You know, each time you light up a cigarette, isn't the taste of that cigarette the thing you're really looking for? I'm sure it is. Because smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Now there are two short simple reasons why. First, as everyone knows, L.S./M.F.T. Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. Fine, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. Better taste must start with fine tobacco. And then, Luckies are actually made better. Made round and firm and fully packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly. To give you better taste. And, here's a reminder. One gift that will really be appreciated at Christmas is the gay holiday carton of better tasting Luckies. That's right. Luckies come to you in bright, cheerful Christmas cartons, created just for Lucky Strike by the famous designer, Raymond Loy. It's the ideal way to say Merry Christmas to your family and friends. Yes, at Christmas time or any time, it's always good taste to give and to smoke better tasting Lucky Strike."

CHORUS: "Be happy, Go Lucky, for Christmas gifts this year!"

[theme song]

JACK: "Good night everybody we're a little late."

DON: "The Jack Benny Program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Hype for Lucky Strike every Thursday, over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes."

ANNOUNCER: "Stay tuned for the Amos & Andy Show, over the CBS Radio Network."

BOTTOM LINE: Another great chapter in the long-running Christmas Shopping Saga. I don't know if they've ever done a bad one.

15. 12/20/53 CACTUS CHRISTMAS TREE (29:30)

THE SHOW: Jack and Don banter a bit about Don's weight, the prices in Palm Springs, and Don's exploits as a lifeguard at his hotel's pool.

Bob asks to take a roll call of the orchestra. Remley only succeeds in hiccupping, which counts as a "Here".

Mary enters, late from a golf lesson at Tamarisk. She was making use of Ben Hogan's services as a golf pro until she found that he was married.

Jack sees Dennis coming, and resolves that this time Dennis won't get his goat. Dennis arrives and begins a perfectly normal conversation about Shakespeare. Although he says nothing crazy, Jack cracks anyway, just from the sheer suspense.

Dennis makes up for the normalcy by discussing the drinks he's been making (and bathing in) before going off to read Hamlet.

Everyone discusses their Christmas plans. Jack suggests that Bob bring the family down to Palm Springs for his Christmas party, and play Santa Claus, but Bob objects that he made a poor Santa there last year in his sunglasses and red shorts.

The Sportsmen sing a Palm Springs version of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland", which also (you guessed it) has lyrics about tobacco.

Jack leaves early and does a walking monologue about the nice present Waukegan gave him last year when they destroyed his birth certificate. On the street, he runs into Mr. Kitzel. Kitzel discusses his lodgings at Harry's Hacienda, which sounds a bit like the Palm Springs version of the Acme Plaza. Kitzel also makes a few piquant observations about his big old wife before departing. Jack continues walking and monologuing, but the scene changes before he can monologue any more.

Later, Jack is decorating the tree with Rochester, and poking himself, since he decided to use a cactus plant in lieu of a tree. In a nice display of continuity, he puts Don's dates under the tree, as well as the presents for Mary, Remley and the others.

The doorbell rings, and the whole gang arrives at once for a change, instead of dribbling in one at a time, like the dwarves in The Hobbit.

Don notices the coin slot on the television. Jack's hotel room has pay-as-you-see television, just like Jack's set at home.

Everyone wonders how Jack was able to get this room for $85 a month. Jack is distracted when he notices that one of the dozen candy canes he hung is missing!! Mary denies taking it.

Rochester returns from talking to Ronald Colman, who is able to plan his Christmas Party, now that he's sure Jack will be staying in Palm Springs for the holidays.

Dennis talks about the Gila Monster he got Jack for Christmas. Jack insists that that's a poisonous reptile that could snap someone's arm off. Let's hope they're building up to something, because this doesn't sound very funny.

Jack takes Mary out into the hall under the mistletoe, and wangles a smooch out of her. One kiss is enough to tell him that she did eat that candy cane after all!!

Dennis calls his room, but the Gila Monster doesn't answer (THIS is the payoff??)

Jack decides to have a sing-along of Jingle Bells. For some reason, Remley tries to hacksaw his way out of the room. The song commences, but without a single reference to Batman smelling.

Mr. Martin (Mel), the owner of Jack's room comes in to complain about the noisy party Jack is throwing. Mel shouts the song down, and says he only rented the room to Jack because he was an old man who wouldn't be throwing any big shindigs. Especially shindigs with convicts in attendance. Bob instructs the orchestra to stop making license plates while they're there. Jack and Mary invite Mr. Martin to the party, which somehow smoothes everything over.

Mel goes to get his wife. While they're waiting for him to return, Dennis sings "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful", "Silent Night", and "Hark the Herald Angels Sing", all without making a single reference to tobacco. Jack wishes everyone a Merry Christmas on behalf of his staff, sponsor, and cast, and Mel hasn't even returned yet.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Charlie Bagby, George Balzer, Frankie Remley, Larry Kurkdjie, Wayne Songer

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as always at the height of the tourist season here, Palm Springs is just full of celebrities. But now I give you the celebrity the whole town is talking about, because he's the only one paying summer rates, and here he is, Jack Benny!"

TOBACCO NEWS: Lucky Strike has a special Christmas-themed carton, designed by that famous designer Raymond Lloyd, whoever he is.

NOTE: Broadcasting from Palm Springs again.

NOTE: [3:30]

JACK: "What is it, Bob?"

BOB: "Well, before we go any farther with the show, I'd like to take a roll call of the orchestra."

JACK: "A roll call? Of the orchestra? We've never done that before."

BOB: "Well, believe me, Jack, I know what I'm doing."

JACK: "Well… all right. If you have to, go ahead, Bob."

BOB: "Okay. George?"

GEORGE: "Here."

BOB: "Kurdij?"

KURDIJ: "Here."

BOB: "Songer?"

SONGER: "Here."

BOB: "Remley?"

REMLEY: "Hiccup!"

JACK: "Bob! Bob, I want to ask you… Bob, why… why do you have to go through this roll call?"

BOB: "Oh, I always do when we're out of town."

JACK: "But why, why?"

BOB: "Oh, I have to. I'm responsible to the Los Angeles Parole Board."

JACK: "Oh, I see. Well, don't let me stand in the way of the law."

BOB: "Artie?"

ARTIE: "Here."

BOB: "Tackaberry?"

JACK: "Wait a minute. Tackaberry is one of my writers."

BOB: "He's on parole, too."

JACK: "He keeps talking about the pen, I thought he meant Papermate."

JOKE: [5:45] (Mary goes golfing)

MARY: "I'm sorry I'm late, Jack, but I was taking a golf lesson at Tamarisk, and I just didn't notice the time."

JACK: "That's all right, Mary. So, Ben Hogan gave you another lesson, eh?"

MARY: "No, I switched to one of the other fellows. I just wasn't getting any place with Hogan."

JACK: "Mary! You weren't getting any place with Ben Hogan!? What was wrong?"

MARY: "I found out he's married."

NOTE: Ben Hogan (1912-1977), (nephew to Hulk?), was one of America's top golfers in the 50's, and is still regarded as one of the all-time greatest.

JOKE: [6:00]

JACK: "Uh oh."

MARY: "What's the matter?"

JACK: "Here comes Dennis."

MARY: "Well, what about it?"

JACK: "You know Mary, every time that kid opens his mouth, he says something silly, and I'm aggravated for the rest of the week. But this time he's not getting away with it! I'm ready for him!"

DENNIS: "Well, hello everybody!"

[applause]

DENNIS: "Hello, Mr. Benny. Boy, two weeks in Palm Springs has sure made you look different.

JACK: "You see Mary, he's starting already."

DENNIS: "I'm sorry I haven't been able to see more of you up here, but I've been very busy."

JACK: "Busy, eh? What have you been doing?"

DENNIS: "Oh, swimming a little every day. Getting lots of sleep, eating good food, and catching up on my reading."

JACK: "Your reading, eh?"

DENNIS: "Yes, it's nice and quiet up here, and I can concentrate. Hamlet requires a lot of attention."

JACK: "Hamlet, huh?"

DENNIS: "I consider it to be Shakespeare's finest work. Although I'd be the first to admit there are great qualities to Macbeth, Julius Caesar and Othello. To my way of thinking, Hamlet offers more scope and penetrates with a deeper insight into human nature."

JACK: "That's enough, Dennis! I won't listen to that kind of talk!"

MARY: "But Jack!"

JACK: "I don't care, I'm on vacation, and I'm not going to let him aggravate me!"

MARY: "But Jack, he hasn't said anything silly."

JACK: "I know, and he's doing it on purpose!!"

[laughter, applause]

JACK: "Dennis, you're deliberately trying to annoy me!"

DENNIS: "Oh, no I'm not, Mr. Benny."

JACK: "Then how come you're talking intelligently?"

DENNIS: "I can't help it, I was out in the sun too long."

JACK: "Huh?"

DENNIS: "But I discovered a way to keep cool."

JACK: "You did?"

DENNIS: "Yeah, I get a big punch bowl, fill it full of shaved ice, put in three lemons, two oranges, some ginger ale, a quart of scotch, a bottle of Smirnoff vodka, and five maraschino cherries."

JACK: "Dennis, you drink that?"

DENNIS: "No, I sit in it."

JACK: "That's my boy!"

JOKE: [18:30]

JACK: "Rochester, I'm not going you and buying a Christmas tree when I have a perfectly good one at home. I want to put these gifts under it. Let's see, here's Dons. Some nice dates. And this one's for Mary. Oh, and Rochester, here's the one I'm giving Remley. Boy, will he be surprised."

ROCHESTER: "Why will he be surprised? You've got shaving lotion written all over the package."

JACK: "Well, you have to do that with Remley! When he opens a box and finds a bottle, he never stops to read the label. Last year… last year, I gave him a miniature ship in a bottle, the mast stuck out of his mouth for three months."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Didn't Jack tell that exact same joke about Rochester once? Now he's telling it TO Rochester.

JOKE: [20:00] (At Jack's Party)

Don: "Wait a minute! Look at that television set. It's got a coin box attached to it with a slot to put money in."

BOB: "Well, that's something they're trying out here. It's Pay As You See Television. And Palm Springs is the only place where they're conducting this experiment."

Mary: "Jack has the same attachment on his set in Beverly Hills, and it's no experiment."

JOKE: {20:20] (At Jack's Party)

JACK: "And Don, would you mind walking around with this big tray of hors d'ouvres?"

DON: "But Jack, it would be easier if I just sat down and ate 'em."

JACK: "They're for everybody!!"

JOKE: [20:50] (At Jack's Party)

JACK: "Now, come on, everybody. Let's put all of the presents under the tree, and… hey, wait a minute!

MARY: "What's the matter?"

JACK: "I had 12 candy canes and now there are only 11. Where's the other one?"

MARY: "Don't look at me."

JACK: "I'm not looking at you, but if your conscience bothers you, they're 10 cents each!"

JOKE: [21:10] (At Jack's Party)

ROCHESTER: "Say, Boss."

JACK: "Yeah, Rochester. Who was that on the phone?"

ROCHESTER: "That was Mr. Colman calling from Beverly Hills."

JACK: "Oh, Ronald Colman?"

ROCHESTER: "Yes sir. He wanted to know if you'd be back in town for Christmas, and I told him you couldn't possibly make it, you were staying in Palm Springs."

JACK: "Gee, that was nice of Ronnie to call. Is he planning a Christmas party?"

ROCHESTER: "NOW, yes."

JACK: "Huh?"

ROCHESTER: "He said he'd check with me later about New Year's."

JOKE: [22:10] (At Jack's Party)

DON: "Hey, come on, kids, let's have some fun. Let's get this party rolling!"

BOB: "Yeah, let's play some games."

JACK: "Okay, but first I want to show you something, Mary."

MARY: "Me?"

JACK: "Yeah, come out in the hall for a second."

MARY: "All right."

[footsteps]

JACK: "Well, here we are. Look up, Mary."

MARY: "Why Jack, it's mistletoe."

JACK: "That's right. And that means that I get to kiss you."

MARY: "Oh, Jack."

JACK: "Now, come on, Mary, give me a kiss. Pucker up."

MARY: "All right… There."

JACK: "I knew it! You ate the candy cane! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!"

BOTTOM LINE: A rather poor episode. Not very many laughs, and several jokes seem to misfire. Probably everyone was enjoying the vacation too much to go all out for this one. Dennis' Shakespeare bit is sort of cute, and the candy canes joke is okay, but otherwise it's pretty slim pickings here. But it could be worse, at least they didn't do the New Year's Fantasy.

16. 12/27/53 JACK WRITES THANK-YOU NOTES

[EPISODE LOST]

17. 01/03/53 JACK TRIES TO GET TICKETS T THE ROSE BOWL GAME

18. 01/10/53 THE DON WILSON STORY (25:35)

THE SHOW: Jack interrupts Don's introduction in order to introduce Don. Today is Don's 20th anniversary with Jack (more or less), and Don's 30th anniversary in radio (again, more or less).

Don is in tears over such a touching tribute, although goodness knows why, since they've actually done several of these "Don Wilson Anniversary" shows in the past. Don is especially grateful, remembering how he took Jack's show when it was down, and built it up to where it is today. Jack jumps in to object at this point, claiming that his show was NEVER down! Arguably it was, considering that Don joined immediately after the execrable Chevrolet Program ended, but they don't go into any of the details.

The boys in the band present Don with a diamond studded cigarette lighter, which they kinda sorta accidentally stole from a jewelry store. Bob congratulates Don for bringing Jack's show up when it was down.

Dennis arrives and does his routine. Dennis sings "That's Amore" (Between this and Eh Cumpari, he's sung more Italian songs than Irish ones lately!) store. Dennis congratulates Don for bringing Jack's show up when it was down.

Jack dedicates Dennis' song to Don, since this is his 20th anniversary, you see. But it's not clear what "That's Amore" has to do with Don. (Perhaps that line about the moon hitting your eye like a big pizza pie?)

Rochester calls. The lady who sold Jack a raffle ticket fell on his front step and is suing him for $100,000. On the bright side, Jack won the raffle. First Prize: A dog. (Not to worry, neither dog nor lawsuit will be around next week.) Rochester mentions that Jack made the cover of Parade Magazine, but his eyes look green, due to a poorly placed spinach ad on the inside cover.

Jack introduces the play.

PLAY: "The Don Wilson Story", or "Life Can Be Plentiful". Don Wilson is brought to Denver by an overworked stork. He has a healthy appetite even as a neonate, and gives fits to his father (Bob). (Don is sort of The Bam-Bam Rubble Before Bam-Bam).

Nothing very interesting seemed to happen to Don from the time he was an infant until the time he went to college. In college, Don majored in Elocution, and graduated magna cum lardy. The day he graduated, Don's father has an accident. Don rushes to the hospital, only to find out that Dad has been re-cast. He's now being played by Dennis, due to Bob's inability to do an Old Coot accent.

Meanwhile, Jack is doing a radio show for the Universal Corset Company, when his sponsor calls him into the office. Jack has to go through several doors and several bit players to see him, but he finally makes it to the sponsor's office.

Once there, Jack finds that his sponsor is Frank Nelson (who else?). Frank doesn't like the way Jack has been reading their commercials, and wants him to hire an announcer. Jack auditions several announcers, including Porky Pig, who doesn't quite cut the mustard.

Jack goes to the Acme Elocution School. They have has Little Harry Von Zell, Little Bill Goodwin, Little Jimmie Wallington, and Little Don Wilson available. Jack interviews Little Don, who offers to work for his three meals a day. Jack doesn't want to go quite that high. Don says that if the money isn't there, that he's reluctant to work for a show that's down. Jack explodes, insisting once again that his show was NEVER down, and walks out on the play.

TAG: Don does a USAFI commercial.

Jack returns home and meets the Cocker Spaniel he won in the raffle. Jack is being sued again for another $50,000, after the dog bit someone.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Hy Averback, Lois Corbett, Amy Vanderbilt

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Frank Nelson, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, Sandra Gould

DON'S INTRO:

DON: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, in presenting the star of our show, it gives me great pleasure to bring you a man..."

JACK: "Just a minute, just a minute, Don. Hold it a minute."

DON: "What?"

JACK: "Don, today in stead of you introducing me, I'm going to introduce you."

DON: "Me?"

JACK: "Yes, Don. Ladies and Gentlemen, today not only marks the anniversary of Don Wilson's 30th year in radio, but it also commemorates his 20th year with me. So Don, take a bow."

NOTE: Like "Christmas Shopping", Don Wilson Anniversary Shows have been a periodic feature on Jack's show. The first one was broadcast on 3/6/1938. The format is usually the same. Don starts to introduce Jack, Jack jumps in and introduces Don, makes him the star of the hour, and usually ends up getting aggravated.

CONTINUITY ALERT: This is indeed the 20th year that Don has been with Jack, but his real anniversary is April 6, 1934. Why they're doing his anniversary show in January is anybody's guess.

CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack says this is Don's 30th year in radio. The 3/6/1938 show commemorated Don's 15th year in radio, which would make his 31st anniversary on 3/6/54. So they're playing pretty fast and loose with the dates this time.

JOKE: [1:45]

DON: "I'm all right now, Jack. I just couldn't help getting emotional when I realized that you've been with me for 20 years."

JACK: "No. No, no Don. You've been with me. With me."

DON: "To think that I came on this show when it was down, and because of…

JACK: "Down!?"

DON: "And because of my personality, and showmanship, I raised it to the pinnacle of success."

JACK: "Don, wait a minute!

DON: "It wasn't easy and there were many setbacks, but every time the show was down, I brought it up again."

JACK: "Wait a minute, Don! My show was never down! So, don't make things up."

DON: "Let's not argue, Jack. Really, let's not argue, because… well, and besides, I want to thank you for making this not only a memorable, but a profitable occasion."

BOB: "Profitable? What did Jack do for you, Don?"

JACK: "Go ahead, Donsy, tell Bob Crosby."

DON: "Well, Bob, not only did I get $500 cash, but I also got a brand new Desoto convertible for my wife, a trip to New York for the two of us on the Super Chief, and a whole week at the Waldorf Astoria. And Jack, I want to thank you form the bottom of my heart."

BOB: "Well gosh, Jack gave you all of that?"

DON: "No, but it was his letter that got me on Strike it Rich."

JOKE: [3:30]

BOB: "Since today is Don's 20th anniversary with you, the boys in the band got something for him. And here it is, Don."

DON: "Aw gee, thanks Bob."

JACK: "What is it, Don? What is it?"

DON: "Wait a minute, Jack, while I unwrap it."

JACK: "Okay. The boys in the orchestra, huh?"

DON: "Yeah. Aww Jack, look at this. A diamond studded cigarette lighter."

BOB: "Boy, I'm glad that you like it, Don. My musicians went through a lot of trouble to get it for you."

JACK: "Well Bob, that's a beautiful lighter your boys got for Don, but you'd think it would be wrapped a little better. Who did it?"

BOB: "The owner of the store.

JACK: "The owner of the store? I could have wrapped it better than that."

BOB: "Not with your hands up over your head."

JACK: "Bob, you mean the boys held up a jewelry store?"

BOB: "Well, it was an accident, Jack. You see, when they walked into the store, Remley had his guitar under his coat.

JACK: "Uh huh."

BOB: "The man thought it was a machine gun, he threw up his hands, and said 'Take anything that you want'."

JACK: "Well, that's still dishonest. Frankie should have opened up his coat and showed the jeweler that it wasn't a gun."

BOB: "Oh, Frankie did better than that. He took out the guitar, started to play, and the guy said 'Look, you got what you want, stop torturing me'."

JACK: "Well, that, that I can understand. Anyway Bob, it was very nice of your boys to bring Don that present."

BOB: "Well, he deserves it, Jack. After all, he took this program when it was down, and he started…"

JACK: "It wasn't down!!"

CONTINUITY NOTE: Just to get this settled, Don joined the show immediately after the final episode of the execrable Chevrolet Program. So yeah, Don DID join this show when it was down. It was never downer.

DENNIS' ROUTINE: [4:30]

JACK: "Oh, hello Dennis. What's the matter with you?"

DENNIS: "I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

JACK: "The what?"

DENNIS: "I fell out the window."

JACK: "What?"

DENNIS: "It's three stories. Boy, am I lucky I wasn't hurt."

JACK: "Oh, you landed on your head, huh? Was that it? Was that it, Dennis?"

DENNIS: "No, on the mailman's head."

JACK: "Oh, fine.

DENNIS: "I guess he'll have to find himself a new job."

JACK: "A new job? Why?"

DENNIS: "Now he's too short to reach the mailboxes."

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [10:20]

JACK: "I'm being sued for $100,000. Tell me, was the woman badly hurt?"

ROCHESTER: "She claims she sprained her ankle."

JACK: "Sprained her ankle. That's no grounds for a suit like that!"

ROCHESTER: "That's what I told the four men with her."

JACK: "Four men? Are they lawyers?"

ROCHESTER: "I think so, their names are Habeus, Corpus, Delecti and Giseler."

JACK: "Giesler? She just sprained her ankle, I didn't blacken her eye!"

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Jerry Giesler was a well known "Attorney to the Stars", who handled notable divorce cases.

JOKE: [11:30] the show was down.

JACK: "As I started to say, tonight, for our feature attraction, we're going to do the story of Don Wilson's life."

DON: "Aww, please Jack, really, this is embarrassing."

BOB: "Now, don't you be so modest, Don. You deserve it."

DENNIS: "Yeah, I'll say. After all, you took this show when it was down, and you put it right…"

JACK: "It wasn't down!!"

CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack claims Dennis was only 8 when Don joined the show, which would make Dennis born in 1926. A few weeks ago we were told Dennis was born in 1924. In fact, he was born in 1916.

DENNIS' ROUTINE: Dennis was an incubator baby, despite being born heavy, in order to hide from his mother. It's not all that funny.

JOKE: [16:30] (In the play)

JACK, NARRATING: "Although Don didn't know it at the time, our paths were about to cross. I was doing a show then for the Universal Corset Company. One day my sponsor called, so I went straight to his office."

[footsteps]

JACK: "Gee, my sponsor really has a nice building here. Hmm, he certainly believes in advertising, look at that big neon sign. It says Universal Corset Company. And look at their slogan: Gather unto you what is yours."

JOKE: [19:05] (In the play)

JACK: "Now Mr. Willoughby, what is it you wanted to see me about?"

FRANK: "Well, I hate to bother an artist of your stature with trifles, but a strange thing has happened since you've been broadcasting for us."

JACK: "What's that?"

FRANK: "We've been losing money. We've been selling corsets for 15 years, and this is the first time the company's been feeling the pinch."

JOKE: {21:20] (In the play, at the Electrocution Elocution School

HY AVERBACK: "Now, let's see. In this class, I have Little Harry Von Zell, Billy Goodwin, Jimmy Wallington, and that fat one over there is Donald Wilson."

JACK: "Donald Wilson? Gee, I like that name, and he looks like he might be just right for my program."

HY: "Certainly, Mr. Benny, I'll call him right over. Oh, Donald? Donald, this is Jack Benny."

JACK: "How do you do?"

DON: "How with an H, and an O, and a U and an O and a D is a How do you do?"

JACK: "Now Mr. Wilson, I'm considering you as an announcer for my program. And if you take the job, I hope everything turns out fine."

DON: "Thank you."

JACK: "Now, about your salary, Mr. Wilson."

DON: "Oh, I'm so anxious to get into radio. I'll work for my three meals a day."

JACK: "Well, I wasn't planning to go that high… Look Mr. Wilson, money isn't everything, and you said yourself that you were anxious to get into radio."

DON: "I know, but if I'm not going to make a halfway decent salary, why should I go on a show that's down?"

JACK: "It's not down!! How did that get into the script??"

DON: "It's in there because it happens to be true."

JACK: "It is not!"

DON: "It is too!"

JACK: "It is not!"

DON: "Jack, Jack, you're ruining the whole theme!"

JACK: "I don't care, my show was never down!"

HY: "It was too!"

JACK: "You stay out of this!"

BOTTOM LINE: A little on the weak side. Not a big laugh episode, and less about Don's anniversary than the average "Don's Anniversary" show. However, the running gag about the show being down always works well.

19. 01/17/54 JACK GETS A PARKING TICKET (25:58)

SITCOM: It's last Wednesday, and Jack, Dennis and Bob are in the corner drugstore trying to order lunch. Rosie the Roisterer pushes Jack to hurry up and order, while Jack criticizes the drugstore's cleanliness. Bob asks if Jack am going to play in Bing's Pro-Am Golf tournament.

Bob suggests music while they eat. Bob and Dennis talk Jack into being sporty and feeding the jukebox. Jack finds one of Dennis' records. On the jukebox, Dennis sings "Changing Partners".

Jack is actually convinced to pick up the check before being paged to the telephone. It's Rochester. Rochester says that Liberace needs a $100 advance on his appearance fee for coming on Jack's TV show, in order to buy toothpaste. Jack asks Rochester to get his violin ready for the show, but one of the strings is missing. Jack plans to replace it on the way home.

Jack leaves the drugstore and goes to Beverly Hills. Dennis tags along, even though it's out of his way, just so he can have a longer bus ride home.

After dropping Dennis off, Jack does a Driving Monologue in which he considers whether or not to fire Dennis for a more sensible singer. He realizes that a sensible singer would ask for more money. Jack elects to keep Dennis. Jack tries to back into a parking space, and hits another car, which turns out to be driven by Frank Nelson.

They argue, and Jack leaves on his errand before realizing that he got so upset that he forgot to feed the parking meter. He goes back, and agonizes over whether to put one or two pennies in the meter.

Later, Jack is returning with a new A string for his violin, doing a Walking Monologue, and singing "Ricochet Romance" to himself. Jack encounters Don and the Sportsmen, who just saw "The Eddie Cantor Story". The movie gave Don a great idea for a singing commercial, which he wants Jack to hear. Jack balks at the idea of the Sportsmen singing in public (although goodness knows this wouldn't be the first time). Jack insists that there's no orchestra, but fortunately, that same number is coming up in the movie in another few seconds (even more fortunately, you'll be able to hear it out in the streets), so they'll just sing along with the movie. The Sportsmen sing a tobacco-themed version of Cantor's signature song, "If You Knew Susie".

Jack eludes the Quartet, and continues walking. When he gets back to his car, he finds a parking ticket. Jack is sure that he wasn't gone long enough for the meter to expire, and calls the Police to argue. He tries to call the Beverly Hills Police, but their number is unlisted.

Jack walks to the Beverly Hills Police Department (fingerprints by appointment only). The secretary tries to update Jack's information. Jack tries to plead his case to the secretary, only to be told that he has to deal with the judge.

Jack goes to the courtroom, and finds that the judge is Frank Nelson. Frank fines Jack $52; $2 for overtime parking, and $50 for driving through Beverly Hills in a garbage truck with the top down. Jack explodes into a show-ending diatribe.

TAG: Liberace is appearing on Jack's show tonight. Jack is hoping to get him to play the piano.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone

NOTABLE GUEST STARS:

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Sam Hearn, Frank Nelson, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Iris Adrian, Jeanette Eymann, Shirley Mitchell

DON'S INTRO:

"Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does another of his television programs, with his guest star, Liberace. But meanwhile, I'd like to take you back to last Wednesday. After rehearsal, Bob Crosby, Dennis and Jack dropped off at the corner drugstore for a bite to eat."

JOKE: [1:10]

JACK: "Oh, Miss? Miss?"

ROSIE THE ROISTERER: "Whaddya want, Mac?"

JACK: "Hmm. We'd like to place our order."

ROSIE: "Okay, here's the menu."

JACK: "Thanks. Let's see, I don't know what I want. I think I'll have the hash."

ROSIE: "The hash?"

JACK: "That's right."

ROSIE: "(calling to the kitchen) One order of leftovers for a gambler!"

JACK: "Never mind, waitress. Cancel the order."

ROSIE: "(calling to the kitchen) Throw it back in the pail!"

MY BROTHER THE STAR: [2:00]

JACK: "Look, I don't want any of your sarcasm. Just bring me a ham sandwich and a cup of coffee."

ROSIE: "Okay."

BOB: "I'll have the same, and a glass of orange juice, and make sure that it's Minute Maid."

ROSIE: "Why does it have to be Minute Maid Orange Juice?"

BOB: "Well, I'm helping out a relative who's not doing too well."

JOKE: [2:15]

JACK: "All right, Dennis, what are you going to have?"

DENNIS: "Let's see, I'll have the chopped liver, the Matzoh Ball soup, and the gefilte fish."

ROSIE: "Okay. (calling to the kitchen) One Pat O'Brien Special!"

JOKE: [3:00]

BOB: "Hey Jack, are you going up to Pebble Beach and play in my brother Bing's Pro-Amateur Golf Tournament?"

JACK: "Well, I may, Bob, if my game keeps improving. I've been doing pretty well lately."

DENNIS: "I think golf is a silly game."

JACK: "Oh, you do, Dennis. Let me ask you something. If it's such a silly game, why are people like Ben Hogan, Sam Snead, Lloyd Mangrum, and Fred Wampler playing?"

DENNIS: "Because they can't sing!"

JACK: "Well, I'll show you how ridiculous that is, Dennis! Bing Crosby is a good golfer, and he's one of the greatest singers in the country."

DENNIS: "Then how come he has to sell orange juice?"

JOKE: [4:10]

BOB: "Hey fellas, why don't we have some music while we eat. There's a jukebox right over there."

JACK: "Oh, swell. Has anybody got change for a quarter?"

BOB: "I have."

JACK: "Well, good. Go put a nickel in."

BOB: "Now, wait a minute. How about you putting a nickel in for a change?"

JACK: "Well…"

DENNIS: "Go ahead, Mr. Benny. Put a nickel in."

JACK: "But everyone in the store will hear the record, won't they?"

BOB: "Well, so what?"

JACK: "Well, that doesn't seem fair. Why should I put in a nickel so a whole bunch of total strangers can listen?"

BOB: "What's the difference, Jack? Go ahead, be a sport."

JACK: "Okay. Let's see. Here's the Bell Sisters' latest record. Gee, there are two of them. Wait a minute, here's one by the Ink Spots. That's a trio. Boy, look at this. The Fred Waring Choir. Now, there's a buy!”

JOKE: [7:30] (In the Drugstore)

BOB: "Well, let's get out of here, huh?"

JACK: "Okay. Who gets the check this time?"

DENNIS and BOB: "It's your turn!"

JACK: "Oh, yes. Miss? Miss, I'll take the check."

ROSIE: "Here you are."

JACK: "Hmm."

ROSIE: "Well, pick it up! It ain't radioactive!"

JOKE: [9:20] (Jack's Violin)

ROCHESTER: "I took it out of the case and one of the strings is broken."

JACK: "Well, I have to pass the music store, so I'll pick up the string myself."

ROCHESTER: "And that ain't all that's wrong with your violin."

JACK: "What else?"

ROCHESTER: "It's full of termites."

JACK: "Termites in my violin!? That's awful, how can I get rid of them?"

ROCHESTER: "Play it! Play it!"

JOKE: [10:30] (In the car)

DENNIS: "Hey Mr. Benny, can't we go a little bit faster?"

JACK: "What do you mean faster? We're in Beverly Hills already, and we've made every light."

DENNIS: "That one on La Brea changed three times before we got through it."

JOKE: [11:30]

I can't understand Dennis. That kid drives me nuts. Maybe I ought to hire a singer who's a little more sensible. Then if he had more sense, he'd want more money. That would drive me nuts too."

JOKE: [11:50]

JACK: "Oh! Oh, oh, oh, here's a parking place."

[very long sound of screeching brakes]

JACK: "Gee, I'm lucky. Here's one too."

JOKE: [12:40] (Jack slams into Frank Nelson's parked car)

FRANK: "Look at the way you scratched my car!

JACK: "What are you complaining about? You put a dent in my fender!"

FRANK: "How can you tell?"

JACK: "Oh, a smart alec, eh? Well, for your information, I've never had an accident and I've been driving this car for 25 years."

FRANK: "Bought it second hand, huh?"

JACK: "Huh?"

FRANK: "The dealer's name is still on it: Honest Geronimo."

CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack did have a previous accident, when he ran into Rochester's car while it was up on the grass reek.

JOKE: [13:15] (Jack tries a parking meter)

JACK: "Hmm. The meter says expired. Let's see, I get 12 minutes for a penny. It will take me about three minutes to walk to the store. And three minutes back. That's six minutes. Five minutes to get waited on, that's 11. The store may be crowded, so I'd better allow for another 5 minutes. That'll be 16 minutes. Well, there's no use rushing, I'll put in two pennies."

JOKE: [14:10] (Walking back to the car)

Well, I got my violin string. I'm sure glad it was the A string that broke. I'm always so embarrassed when I have to go into a store and ask for a G string."

JOKE: [14:30] {Walking back to the car)

JACK: "Hmm, look at that headline in the newspaper. Entire East covered by heavy blizzard. Gee, I feel sorry for the people back in New York. They have 10 inches of snow. Here in Los Angeles, all we had was some rain, sleet, hail, thunder, lightning and an earthquake… All in 15 minutes, too."

NOTE: Jack sings Ricochet Romance, during his walk, which seems to be becoming one of his new favorites.

CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack claims to have lived at 366 North Camden Drive for 25 years ago. In fact, Jack moved into his current residence in 1938, when a couple of episodes were based around the house still being under construction. Before that, Jack had a landlady the few times his residence was mentioned.

JOKE: [18:45] (On the phone)

OPERATOR: "Information."

JACK: "Say Miss, I want the number of the Police Department."

OPERATOR: "The Los Angeles Police Department is Michigan 5211."

JACK: "No, no Miss. I want the Beverly Hills Police Department."

OPERATOR: "I'm sorry, that's an unlisted number."

JOKE: [20:00] (Jack finds the Beverly Hills Cops)

JACK: "Here it is. The Beverly Hills Police Station. What a swanky place. Gee, marble staircase, stained glass windows. Look what it says on the door: Booking Department - Fingerprints by Appointment Only."

JOKE: [20:00] (At the Police Station)

CLERK: "What's your name?"

JACK: "Jack Benny."

CLERK: "Benny? Benny? Oh, here it is. Jack Benny. Say, we haven't gotten anything out of you for long time. Hmm, the last entry was 25 years ago."

JACK: "25 years ago?"

CLERK: "Yes, you were charged with assault and battery by Honest Geronimo."

JACK: "All right, all right."

CLERK: "Now, let's see. I'll bring this card up to date. At that time you lived at 366 North Camden Drive."

JACK: "It's still the same address."

CLERK: "I see. And your occupation was listed as comedian."

JACK: "It's still the same."

CLERK: "Hmm hmm. And your weight was 160 pounds."

JACK: "It's still the same."

CLERK: "And your age was…"

JACK: "Still the same."

CLERK: "Now, let's see. Color of eyes. Oh yes, they're still blue, aren't they?"

JACK: "Well frankly, I've never noticed."

JOKE: [21:15] (Another driver gets fined)

JACK: "A $50 fine? What was it for?"

CLERK: "Driving through Beverly Hills with the top down."

JACK: "Well, what's so terrible about driving through Beverly Hills with the top down?"

CLERK: "He was driving a garbage truck."

JOKE: [22:10] (At the Police Station)

JACK: "Pardon me sir, would you mind if I sit next to you?"

MEL: "Not at all, I'd appreciate it."

JACK: "Appreciate it? Why?"

MEL: "I'm a pickpocket."

JACK: "A pickpocket?"

MEL: "Oh, you've got nothing to worry about. You're the Pin-it-to-your-underwear type if I ever saw one."

JOKE: [22:35] (Waiting to see the Judge)

MEL: "Oh, you'll like Judge bailey. I was up before him last month for sentencing."

JACK: "What did you get?"

MEL: "Thirty days, his watch, his gavel, and a pocket edition of The Kinsey Report."

JACK: "You mean you spent 30 days in the Beverly Hills Jail?"

MEL: "Oh yeah, they had me in solitary."

JACK: "That must have been pretty tough."

MEL: "You said it. Nothing but bread and champagne."

JACK: "Champagne?"

MEL: "Domestic!"

JACK: "Oh, that's awful!"

CLERK: "Mr. Benny? Mr. Jack Benny?"

JACK: "Yes."

CLERK: "You're next. Right this way to Judge Bailey's chambers."

JACK: "Okay."

MEL: "Good luck."

JACK: "Thanks."

MEL: "He keeps his wallet in the left hand…"

JACK: "I don't care!!"

SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS: [23:40]

JACK: "YOU?? You're the judge?"

FRANK: "Who do you think I am in this black robe? Mandrake the Magician?"

NOTE: Only four writers are credited at the end of the episode. Balzer and Perrin are not mentioned.

BOTTOM LINE: A step up from the last couple of episodes. The drugstore sketch is, typically, good, and the jokes about the Beverly Hills Police Department's swankiness also go over well.

EPISODE 20 LOST (54-01-24)

[Jack Goes To The Races]

[Episode lost, but presumably a rerun of 1-25-1953]

21. 01/31/54 GUEST SHOW (25:42)

SITCOM: Jack is getting ready to bed, and has Rochester read to him. Rochester reads in the paper about a gala reception for the reissue of the movie "The Best Years of Our Lives", and asks if Jack was invited. Jack claims to be tired tonight, and not interested in going out to some dull party where you'll just meet the same old people. And besides, he wasn't invited.

The phone rings. It's Mel, advertising the grand opening of Sam's Meat Market down the block (Jack didn't get an invitation to that either).

Mary calls to see if Jack is going to see "The Best Years Of Our Lives". Jack feigns disinterest until he learns that Mary has two tickets. He phones a cab to go pick her up.

Bob arrives, and offers to help Jack dress (seriously!). He offers to help button Jack's shoes (thank goodness that's all). The collar of the shirt that Jack wants to wear is much too small for him. He has Rochester try to squeeze him into it anyway. For some reason, Jack's bow tie sproings off and out the window to Capistrano (which doesn't make a lot of sense if it was the collar that was too tight, but it's a good sound effect anyway).

Bob asks to turn on the radio. On the radio is an instrumental version of a song Bob sung on his show this afternoon, so Bob offers to sing along with the radio so that Jack can hear the whole thing. A lot of the time when Bob or Dennis sing an impromptu song, they make no effort to explain why an orchestra suddenly springs up to accompany them, but other times they feel that they need to. Go figure. Bob sings "Heart of My Heart".

Bob invites Jack to go to the Cinegrill after the movie to see Remley play, but Jack thinks he ought to get to bed. He ain't getting any younger, you know. (He's not getting any older, but he's not getting younger either.) Bob says that's too bad because the owner of the Roosevelt Hotel invited them over for a free meal. Jack reverses his decision again.

Jack arrives at the theater and reads the marquee. "The Best Years of our Lives", starring Fredric March, Myrna Loy, Dana Andrews, and Teresa Wright". The poster at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0036868/?ref_=nv_sr_1 also shows Virginia Mayo, but Jack doesn't mention her. When Jack hears what the cab fare is, his bow tie pops off again. (The money you've got to spend to get a free meal is disgraceful!). Jack pays and tips the cab driver, but for once they actually don't do a joke about how cheap the tip was (probably because the driver wasn't Mel).

Jack is ushered into the theater, and is unceremoniously dissed by the doorman (who IS Mel; I knew he was around here somewhere). Jack and Mary "Pardon Me" their way to their seats but find only one seat at the end of the aisle. They "Pardon Me" all the way back across the aisle to look for another.

The picture begins… And ends. Apparently they saw the movie in the few seconds that the scene cut away. But we don't get so much as a single line of the movie without paying.

After the movie, Jack starts to explain how he would have done the movie differently, when Sam Goldwyn himself, of Metro Goldwyn Mayer approaches. Mary tells Sam how much she enjoyed the picture, while Jack tries to explain how a part in the picture should have gone to him. Sam tactfully explains that Jack couldn't have played the part, as it called for someone older than 39.

Jack insists that he's a dramatic actor as well as a comedian. His attempts to do Hamlet merely cause his bow tie to spring off again, sending the collar button down Sam's throat. Mary invites Sam to the Cinegrill, but Sam has to hurry, because he's going to the Meat Market opening (he owns that too).

Later at the Cinegrill, Jack looks for Bob, to try to get a good table. Jack gets seated, calls for a waiter, and guess who it is? (No surprises here, it is the most likely candidate). Goldwyn hides under the table while Jack and Frank Nelson have their usual tete a tete. Everyone orders, but Goldwyn only wants a glass of milk after eating Jack's collar button. Jack orders as swankily as possible, to impress Goldwyn.

The waiter comes by with the check. Jack insists that he shouldn't get one, as he was invited by the manager. Jack and Frank get into an argument over the bill. Mary asks Jack to pay the check and stop making a scene. Jack snaps at her and Sam both for suggesting that he pay. Jack loses another collar button during his tirade, which Sam again swallows. Jack storms out in anger, and we have yet another weak ending to an episode.

TAG: Don does a USAFI commercial. Jack thanks Sam for coming, and we close with about 45 minutes of "Be Happy Go Lucky" endlessly looped.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Dennis Day

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Sam Goldwyn, Hy Averback

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Frank Nelson, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO:

"Ladies and gentlemen, last night was a big night in Hollywood. The occasion was a special showing of Sam Goldwyn's classic "The Best Years of Our Lives", which is currently being reissued. Naturally all the important stars in Hollywood received invitations to attend this gala affair. And while all this was going on, where was our little star?"

JACK: "Rochester, hand me my pajamas, I'm going to bed."

NOTE: Edited for Broadcast as part of the "Around the World, the Jack Benny Show" series.

NOTE: When Don introduces the cast at the beginning of the episode, he usually laughs when he says Bob Crosby's name (sometimes his own). Not sure whether this is a deliberate attempt to warm up the audience, or if it was subconscious.

NOTE: Speaking of Don's mannerisms, I've never liked that nickname for Jack; "Our little star". It made a little sense at a time when Jack was making movies as well as doing the radio show, but it's always sounded more patronizing than funny.

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [1:30]

JACK: "Anyway, who wants to go to those special Hollywood showings? You always see the same people. Lauren Bacall will be there with Humphrey Bogart. June Allison will be there with Dick Powell. Zsa Zsa Gabor will be there with Jerry Giesler.

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Giesler was a well known "Attorney to the Stars" who handled, among other things, divorces, of which Zsa Zsa has had many.

JOKE: [2:00] (Goldwyn's Hollywood Shindig)

JACK: "Gee, I've known Sam Goldwyn so long, I can't understand why he didn't invite me."

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, he can't have anything against you. You never made a picture for him.

JOKE: [14:00] (The Best Years Of Our Lives).

JACK: "Oh, I thought it was fine. But the part that Fredric March played was almost a natural for me."

MARY: "Jack!"

SAM GOLDWYN: "It's funny you should mention it, Jack. You know, when I was first casting that picture, I thought of you for that role."

JACK: "You did?"

SAM GOLDWYN: "Yes, but then I realized the part called for someone older than 39."

JACK: "Well, for heaven's sake, then why didn't you call me? You know what a liar I am! After all, the picture was made 7 years ago. I was older then… I mean younger!"

NOTE: Sam Goldwyn sounds more than a bit like John L.C. Savoney's brother.

JOKE: [18:00] (At the Cinegrill)

JACK: "Well, let's get some food. I'll call the waiter. And remember kids, you're my guests tonight, so order anything you want. Oh, waiter! Waiter!"

FRANK: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!??"

JACK: "We'd like to order some food. May I have a menu, please?"

FRANK: "Here you are."

JACK: "Thank you. Lets see. Wait a minute, the prices are all scratched off. Who did that?"

FRANK: "I did, I hate suicides!"

JOKE: [19:10] (Goldwyn orders milk at the Cinegrill)

JACK: "Waiter! Mr. Goldwyn, he'll just have a glass of milk."

FRANK: "Well, I'm sorry sir. I can't serve milk at this table."

SAM GOLDWYN: "It's too close to the orchestra, it'll make them sick."

JOKE: [20:15] (Repartee with the waiter)

JACK: "I'd also like some champagne with my dinner."

FRANK: "What kind?"

JACK: "I don't know. What would you suggest?"

FRANK: "Well, when it comes to champagne, I always say mum's the word."

JACK: "Waiter, that's a pretty corny joke."

FRANK: "Well, what did you expect for $35 a week? Martin & Lewis?"

JACK: "Never mind the wisecracks. You ought to pay a little more attention to your job! Some waiter. Look at this tablecloth and napkin! I've never seen such dirty linen."

FRANK: "Well, you do them for us, Wong Fu!"

BOTTOM LINE: A so-so episode. The "Best Years of Our Lives" sequence serves to plug the re-issue of the movie, but isn't especially funny. Jack's collar button flying everywhere isn't that great either, and honestly, although Goldwyn put out some great movies, he doesn't have much mike presence.

22. 02/07/54 DENNIS IS TOLD TO QUIT THE SHOW BY HIS MOM (25:28)

SITCOM: It's Jack's dressing room, 10 minutes before the show. Jack is asleep, and having his usual dreams about Ava, Lana, Marilyn, and other movie starlets that he can't make time with in waking life. Rochester hates to wake him up, but the show must go on.

Mary enters, wanting to use Jack's makeup mirror. Don calls to tell Jack and Mary to get out on stage before the program starts.

Jack leaves, but not before asking Rochester to do some chores that include thinking up jokes for next week.

Jack arrives onstage. Bob has the boys in the band put away the cards and greet Jack. Jack admonishes their Loaded Liberace, Charlie Bagby, and the show begins at 6:42.

THE SHOW: The show begins (as opposed to the sitcom). Jack says he hasn't got time to protest Don's insulting introduction, because they have another one of their very important plays to do.

The play will involve a private detective named Bullets Benny (apparently a civilian version of Captain O'Benny). As Jack is introducing the play, Herman Nebuch (Mel) drops in. Last summer, he sold Jack an insurance policy and has come to tell him about a new option that pays double indemnity if Mars crashes into the Earth. Jack buys the extension, and Herman presents him with a telescope to keep a look out.

Jack casts the play. Mary will play Mrs. H. Bekins Van Storage, a wealthy widow. Dennis is missing. Don tried to call him earlier, but Dennis' line was out of order, and it's time for him to sing. Herman offers to sing in Dennis' place. Jack turns him down, and instructs Bob to sing, while he goes to Dennis' house. Jack leaves the show early. Bob sings "Oh, My Papa".

SITCOM: Jack is on his way to Dennis' house to find out what happened to that crazy kid. Naturally, he's doing a walking monologue as well. A little boy (Harry Shearer) recognizes Jack and asks for his autograph. Jack asks Harry what celebrity he'd like to be, and Harry, not nearly as good at schmoozing as Ned Flanders or Principal Skinner is, says Joe DiMaggio.

Jack arrives at Dennis' house, and is greeted by Mr. Day (Joseph Kearns with a bad Irish accent). Lucretia Day arrives. She left Dennis at their lawyer's office. Lucretia says that it's unfair that someone with Dennis' talent should be making only $40 a week (That's a raise! For years it was $35). Dennis calls (off-screen), and tells Lucretia that he'll have to return to the show next week. Their lawyers read the fine print in the contract and discovered that Jack adopted him. (Finally a good ending to a program!)

TAG: Mabel does a USAFI commercial, and we close with the usual 10 minutes of "Be Lucky, Go Happy".

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Dennis Day

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Charlie Bagby, Verna Felton, Rube Goldberg, Harry Shearer

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Joe Kearns, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES:

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, let's move the clock back 10 minutes, and see what happens before a radio program goes on the air. We now take you to Jack Benny's dressing room, where our little star is relaxing."

DON'S INTRO #2: "Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who, even though he claims to be only 39, always goes to bed at 9:30, and here he is, Jack Benny!"

NOTE: Edited for Rebroadcast. (Around the world, the Jack Benny Show)

NOTE: Don has picked up an odd tick whereby he frequently laughs when he mentions Bob Crosby's name when he introduces the cast at the beginning.

JOKE: [1:45] (Jack nearly oversleeps)

ROCHESTER: "Boss! Boss! Wake up! You went to sleep to relax!"

JACK: "Oh, I was having such a nice sleep. Why did you have to wake me up?"

ROCHESTER: "I didn't want you to miss your program."

JACK: "Big thing, miss the program. Look Rochester, I've been in radio for 23 years now. Each year I do about 40 shows. That makes roughly 1000 broadcasts I've done. What would be so terrible if I did miss one? So I wouldn't get paid for one show. After all, money isn't everything."

ROCHESTER: "Boss!! Wake up!!"

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: How many shows has Jack done, anyway? Comedifact had a look at this claim, and came up with the following numbers:

Eps Sponsor

77 - Canada Dry 1932-33

17 - Chevrolet 1933

26 - Chevrolet 1933-34

26 - General Tire 1934

41 - Jell-O 1934-35

39 - Jell-O 1935-36

39 - Jell-O 1936-37

39 - Jell-O 1937-38

38 - Jell-O 1938-39

37 - Jell-O 1939-40

35 - Jell-O 1940-41

35 - Jell-O and Jell-O Pudding 1941-42

35 - Grape Nuts Flakes 1942-43

35 - Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes 1943-44

35 - Lucky Strike 1944-45

35 - Lucky Strike 1945-46

35 - Lucky Strike 1946-47

39 - Lucky Strike 1947-48

35 - Lucky Strike 1948-49

38 - Lucky Strike 1949-50

39 - Lucky Strike 1950-51

38 - Lucky Strike 1951-52

39 - Lucky Strike 1952-53

39 - Lucky Strike 1953-54

35 - Lucky Strike 1954-55

This makes a total of 926 episodes for the entire series (although of course, a few were reruns or remakes, and in another few Jack did not appear. Of these 926, a little over 700 survive in .mp3 form. This episode would be #874 in the entire series. Comedifact rates Jack's claim Mostly True.

JOKE: [2:40]

JACK: "Hey Mary, that dress you're wearing. It's beautiful."

MARY: "Well, thanks."

JACK: "I've never seen you wearing anything so glamorous. Mary, how can you afford an expensive dress like that?"

MARY: "Well, I didn't buy it new."

JACK: "You didn't?"

MARY: "No, there's a store in town that sells dresses that movie stars wore in pictures"

JACK: "I know."

MARY: "This is the dress that Jane Russell wore in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"."

JACK: "Oh, Jane Russell, huh? Well, it fits you perfectly."

MARY: "I had to take it in a little."

[Big laugh, as Russell was notoriously busty]

JACK: "Oh."

MARY: "Anyway, I thought I got a real bargain. It only cost me a hundred dollars?

JACK: "That's outrageous. I wouldn't pay that kind of money for a second hand dress."

MARY: "You wouldn't pay that kind of money if Jane Russell was still in it."

FLUB: [3:15] Don flubs "You and Mary" as "You and Metaberry".

JOKE: [4:00]

JACK: "Here Rochester, I want you to spray a little perfume on me."

ROCHESTER: "Yes sir."

[squirt, squirt, squirt]

JACK: "A little more, Rochester."

[squirt, squirt, squirt]

JACK: "Ah!"

[squirt, squirt, squirt]

ROCHESTER: "Is that enough, Boss?"

JACK: "Yes."

ROCHESTER: "Now, stand back while I sweep out the dead flies."

JOKE: [4:30] (Orders for Rochester)

JACK: "Rochester, I'll be back in about 35 minutes. While I'm gone, I want you to press the suit I wore here, and the tie, and shine my other shoes, darn my socks, and think of a few jokes for next week's program."

ROCHESTER: "But Mr. Benny, I'm your valet. You've got writers to think up jokes."

JACK: "Now, don't be selfish. They help you mow the lawn, don't they?"

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, that's right. And since we lost your lawn mower, that writer with the buck teeth and the revolving head is a definite asset!"

JACK: "Yeah. I wish I had more like Milt."

JOKE: [5:00] (Rehearsal)

JACK: "Don, are we all set to go?"

DON: "Yes Jack, but…"

JACK: "But what?"

DON: "Well Jack, I've been going through the script, and there's one line in it that I'd like to change."

JACK: "What is it?"

DON: "Well here, it's on page 12. Don't you think it would be better to say "Don Wilson reads commercial" instead of "Blubber does plug"?

NOTE: As often happens, the sheer meta-ness of Benny Show would drive MC Escher crazy if he tried to figure it out. We started off with a sitcom that began 10 minutes before the show began, and Don did the introduction. So the events happened in the past, and Don is telling us about the past. No problem there. But then when the show actually begins, we move past the point at which Don introduced the flashback, and the flashback moves into a time after the point at which Don introduced it. Don then gives another introduction completely different from the one he gave introducing the program in the first place. Captain Kirk used to make androids self-destruct by getting them to try to figure things like this out.

JOKE: [9:30] (Casting the Play)

JACK: "In this sketch, I will play the part of Bullets Benny. And Mary?"

MARY: "Yes, Jack?"

JACK: "You're going to play the part of a very wealthy society woman: Mrs. H. Bekins Van Storage. You live in a big mansion… you live in a big mansion, and have four mink coats, six cars, two yachts, and 80 million dollars."

MARY: "Gosh! How did I get all that?"

JACK: "Last Halloween, you went down to Texas and played Trick or Treat."

MY BROTHER THE STAR: [10:00] (Chewing out the Band)

JACK: "And Bob, with those boys you'll always have trouble. Only last week, I told you, you ought to fire Sammy the Drummer."

BOB: "Jack, I can't fire him. Why, if it weren't for Sammy, we wouldn't have any orchestra at all."

JACK: "Why? Is Sammy that good a musician?"

BOB: "No, but his brother is a bail bondsman."

JACK: "And the band gives him a lot of business?"

BOB: "A lot? Sammy's brother makes more money than mine!"

JACK: "NO!! Sammy's brother makes more money than your brother?"

BOB: "Yes."

JACK: "Everett?"

JOKE: [11:00] (Casting the Play)

JACK: "Now, Don?"

DON: "Yes, Jack."

JACK: "You're going to play the focal point of the sketch. The most important part."

DON: "Oh boy, that's swell."

JACK: "You see, the sketch starts out with you being held up on the street, and you are robbed of $900,000."

DON: "Gosh, $900,000. Am I a millionaire?"

JACK: "No, a Brinks truck. You'll have to diet a little."

JOKE: [17:30] (Jack meets Little Harry Shearer)

Shearer: "Hey, Mister? Mister?"

JACK: "Huh?"

Shearer: "Ain't you Jack Benny?"

JACK: "That's right, sonny. I am."

Shearer: "Well, imagine me meeting a celebrity. A real live celebrity in person! Can I have your autograph?"

JACK: "Why, certainly."

Shearer: "Gosh, imagine a celebrity. I wish I was a celebrity!"

JACK: "Really? Well, tell me, sonny. If you could be a celebrity, which one would you like to be?"

Shearer: "Joe DiMaggio!"

JACK: "Oh, you uh, you like baseball, eh?"

Shearer: "Boy, are you a square!"

JACK: "Oh. Oh, I see. Well, give me your autograph book, and I'll sign it. What's your name?"

Shearer: "Harry. Just sign it to Harry."

JACK: "Okay. To Harry. With very best wishes, Jack Benny. There you are."

Shearer: "Gee thanks, Mr. Benny. You know, I think you're wonderful on radio and television."

JACK: "Well, thanks."

Shearer: "I think you're so good, I wonder how come you've never made any moving pictures?"

JACK: "But… wait a minute. How old are you, Harry?"

Shearer: "Ten years old."

JACK: "Oh. Well. Goodbye, Harry."

Shearer: "Goodbye."

JACK: "Gee, isn't that wonderful? A whole new generation growing up that'll never know."

JOKE: [19:30] (Jack and Lucretia argue Dennis' contract)

LUCRETIA: "Well, I thought I'd find you here!"

JACK: "Mrs. Day, where's Dennis?"

LUCRETIA: "I left him at our lawyer's office."

JACK: "Well, do you realize he's missing the… your lawyer?"

JACK: "Yes. We've been discussing that ridiculous contract you've got Dennis assigned to!"

JACK: "Well look, Mrs. Day, the contract I have Dennis tied to is the usual one between an artist and his employer."

LUCRETIA: "Usual? You've got my boy signed up for 99 years!"

JACK: "So what?"

LUCRETIA: "So what? How do you know he'll live that long?"

JACK: "How do you know I'll live that long?"

LUCRETIA: "You already have!"

[audience applauds]

JACK: "Why are you applauding??"

[audience laughs]

BOTTOM LINE: A good episode but not great. They've done this routine before, of showing us what happened immediately before or immediately after an episode, and have turned out some really good episodes with the concept. They don't do very much with it this time, though. On the other hand, they do a really good job working Dennis' absence into the story.

23. 02/14/54 JACK'S 39TH BIRTHDAY...AGAIN! (25:27)

THE SHOW: This year's show takes place not before or after, but on Jack's birthday. Don remembered the day, thanks to a strategically placed reminder in a Chinese Fortune Cookie. Unfortunately, by the time he finished dinner, all he had time to get Jack was a pocket full of rice. Jack accepts the rice in order to throw it at Remley's upcoming wedding. (Both Remley and the rice are fried, you see).

Don asks Jack how it feels to finally be a year older. Jack downplays the importance of being 40 (and probably the importance of being Earnest, too). Don has the audience sing "Happy Birthday" (That song is copyrighted! Wait until Jack gets the bill!) Jack notices that one member of the audience was frowning, rather than singing. Jack calls the man on stage. ("Oh, Mister! Mister!") And for once, it isn't Frank Nelson. It's a Mister Finque (F-I-N-Q-U-E) [Mel), who wasn't singing because Jack doesn't sing on his birthday (December 24). Mr. Finque didn't want to come at all. He was waiting in line for Amos & Andy when he heard that this show was giving away free refrigerators.

Dennis arrives. He was delayed because he went to punch his family doctor. Dennis learned that the doctor slapped him on the day he was born, and wanted to return the favor. Dennis congratulates Jack on his birthday. He was reminded of it by the contents of a burlesque dancer's bubble. Dennis sings "Once I Had a Secret Love."

Dennis congratulates Jack on finally making it to age 40. Bob has a present for Jack from the boys in the band. They were all reminded of Jack's birthday by a strategically placed note underneath the table in a bar they were in. Bagby presents Jack with a plaque for his birthday. For some reason, however, it's inscribed to Herman Hepplefinger for winning the Anthracite Miner's Bowling Tournament.

Don has had the Sportsmen prepare a birthday number, which even includes a violin part for Jack. Jack tries to decline until it becomes clear that they might actually allow him to decline. Jack borrows a violin, and he and the Sportsmen do a tobacco and Jack-themed version of "Love in Bloom".

A telegram arrives, and Jack tips the boy a dollar (kinda sorta). The telegram is from Jack's sister Florence, informing him that he's not really 40 years old today, he's really 39! She says Jack was born in 1915, not 1914. Jack determines to get to the bottom of it. He tries to call home, but gets Mabel and Gertrude. After an interesting conversation, they succeed in reaching Rochester.

Jack has Rochester get out his birth certificate and asks what it shows under year of birth. Unfortunately, all that's there is a hole. They erased it once too often!

TAG: Jack does a PSA for the Boy Scouts' birthday.

Jack and Don are walking home, and encounter Mr. Finque, who's still looking for a refrigerator. Jack isn't interested until he hears that Finque is so desperate that he's actually willing to buy one.

We close with the usual 45 minutes of "Be Lucky Go Happy" perpetually looped.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone

NOTABLE GUEST STARS:

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Bea Benareret, Shirley Mitchell, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, Dick Ryan

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, today, February 14, is Valentine's Day. It's also the birthday of the star of our show. So here he is, our own little Valentine, Jack Benny!"

NOTE: This is a remake of the 2-13-1949 episode.

JOKE: (A memorable one-shot Mel Blanc character; the audience has just sung Happy Birthday to Jack)

JACK: "Very nice Don, but… but…"

DON: "But what?"

JACK: "Well, I was watching one fellow sitting in the front row, and he didn't sing at all. As a matter of fact, he had a frown on his face. And I'm just curious to know why. Oh, Mister? Mister?"

MEL: "Me?"

JACK: "Yes, would you mind coming up on the stage for a minute?"

MEL: "Okay."

[footsteps]

JACK: "Now, look Mr… Mr.?"

MEL: "Finque! F-I-N-Q-U-E, Finque!"

JACK: "Oh. Well, Mr. Finque, I'm just curious to know, you were the only one who didn't sing Happy Birthday to me. Why was that?"

MEL: "Do you sing to me on my birthday?"

JACK: "No, no, but then how can I? I don't even know when your birthday is."

MEL: "It's December 24, and all you hear people singing is "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way! Not one word about Finque!"

JACK: "Well, that's too bad. Now look, Mr. Finque…"

MEL: "F-I-N-Q-U-E."

JACK: "I know, I know.

MEL: "That's French!"

JACK: "Yes, yes."

MEL: "Imperative: Finquay."

JACK: "Well, you certainly are! And I don't care what it is. All I want to know is if you've got this chip on your shoulder, why did you come in here in the first place?"

MEL: "Who wanted to come in?? I was standing in line for The Amos & Andy Show, and some guy came over and he told me they was giving away refrigerators in here!"

JACK: "Giving away refrigerators?"

MEL: "In radio, a programs either got to give you entertainment or a refrigerator. Now, where's my icebox??"

JACK: "You're not getting an icebox, so go sit down!"

MEL: "Okay, okay. Four programs this week, and I haven't got a stick of furniture!"

DENNIS' ROUTINE: [5:30]

DENNIS: "Oh, I'd have been here sooner, but on the way down, I had to stop off at our family doctor's office and punch him in the nose."

JACK: "You punched your doctor in the nose?"

DENNIS: "He had it coming. My mother told me what he did."

JACK: "What?"

DENNIS: "When I was born, for no reason at all, he slapped me."

JACK: "Dennis…"

DENNIS: "And my back was turned, too!"

JACK: "Dennis, never mind that silly talk. Let's have your song."

DENNIS: "Okay, Mr. Benny, but first, congratulations on your birthday."

JACK: "Oh, well it was awfully sweet of you to remember it, kid."

DENNIS: "I never would have thought of it if you hadn't given me that ticket to the burlesque show last night."

JACK: "Uh, never mind, Dennis."

DON: "What did the burlesque show have to do with it?"

DENNIS: "Well, a girl came out to do a dance, her bubble broke, and a sign fell out saying "Sunday is Jack Benny's birthday"."

JACK: "Dennis…"

DENNIS: "You must be popular! What applause you got!"

JACK: "All right, all right."

DENNIS: "They whistled and everything!"

JACK: "Dennis…"

DENNIS: "What a fuss over a man's birthday."

JACK: "Look Dennis, you found out it was my birthday, that's all that matters! Now, come on, let's have your song."

DENNIS: "Okay. Gee, when I'm 40, I hope I don't look like him."

JACK: "What did you say??"

DENNIS: "Sing, Dennis!"

JACK: "You said it!!"

THE OLD DAYS: [9:10]

JACK: "That was Secret… Secret Love, by Dennis Day. Very good, Dennis, that was wonderful."

DENNIS: "Congratulations on your birthday."

JACK: "Dennis, you've congratulated me already. Forget it."

DENNIS: "I tried, but I can't get that bubble dancer out of my mind."

JACK: "Force yourself!"

DENNIS: "You know, Mr. Benny, it must be nice to have your birthday come on Valentine's Day."

JACK: "Yes Kid, but there's only one thing against it."

DENNIS: "Yeah?"

JACK: "So many famous people were born in the month of February. Longfellow, Lincoln, Washington. It makes it hard for me to be outstanding."

DENNIS: "I can imagine."

JACK: "Of course, I don't want you to think for a minute that I'm comparing myself to a man like Washington."

DENNIS: "Why not? He wore a wig, too."

JACK: "Very clever, very clever! Did you make up that joke yourself, Dennis?"

DENNIS: "Uh huh."

JACK: "And you like that type of joke?"

DENNIS: "Yeah! I thought it was very funny!"

JACK: "You did? You thought it was funny, huh? Well, excuse me a minute."

[footsteps]

[phone dialing]

JACK: "Hello? Kenny Baker? Come home, all is forgiven."

[hang up]

JACK: "You'd better watch it, Dennis. Another gag like that and you'll only have one show.

CONTINUITY ALERT: According to the 10-11-1953 episode, Kenny Baker has been lost in the abandoned West Wing of Bennywood eating Jell-O ever since 1939.

JOKE: [16:30]

TELEGRAM BOY: "Telegram for Jack Benny."

JACK: "Oh, here I am, boy. Here. Oh, boy! Boy, here's a tip for you."

TELEGRAM BOY: "Oh boy, a dollar! A whole dollar! Thanks, Mr. Benny!"

[door close]

JACK: "I wonder who could be sending me a telegram right in the middle…"

[knock, knock, knock]

JACK: "Come in."

TELEGRAM BOY: "Uh excuse me, Mr. Benny."

JACK: "What do you want now?"

TELEGRAM BOY: "I forgot my bicycle."

JACK: "You didn't forget it, I bought it!"

JOKE: [18:10]

GERTRUDE: "Say, Mabel?"

MABEL: "What is it, Gertrude?"

GERTRUDE: "Mr. Benny's line is flashing."

MABEL: "Yeah. I wonder what Collyer's Cover Girl wants now."

GERTRUDE: "I'll plug in and find out."

[CLICK]

GERTRUDE: "Yes, Mr. Benny. I'll call your house immediately."

[CLICK]

GERTRUDE: "He wants I should get him Rochester."

MABEL: "Well, be nice to him. You know today is his birthday."

GERTRUDE: "It is? How did you find out?"

MABEL: "Dial Ullrich 8-900."

GERTRUDE: "Yeah, but how do you…"

MABEL: "Dial! Dial!"

GERTRUDE: "Okay, okay!"

[dialing]

[ringing]

VOICE: The time is 4:21:10. [BEEP] And today is Jack Benny's Birthday. The time is 4:21:20. [BEEP] His shirt size is 15½. The time is…"

[hang up]

GERTRUDE: "How do you like that? Imagine Benny having his birthday announced on the telephone. How does he get away with it?"

MABEL: "He used to be a personal friend of Alexander Graham Bell."

GERTRUDE: "Yeah."

MABEL: "But with all the advertising he must be getting a lot of gifts."

GERTRUDE: "I can imagine."

MABEL: "What did you send him?"

GERTRUDE: "A beautiful calf skin glove."

MABEL: "One glove? Why in the world would you only give him one glove?"

GERTRUDE: "That's all he needs. He never takes his right hand out of his pocket."

MABEL: "Very true. Say Gertrude, can you give me a lift home tonight?"

GERTRUDE: "I guess so. What's wrong?"

MABEL: "I got another flat tire."

GERTRUDE: "Say, you've been having more trouble with that motorcycle."

MABEL: "Yeah."

JACK: "Operator, Operator!!"

NICKNAMES FOR JACK: Collyer's Cover Girl.

STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN AND RADIO: [21:00]

ROCHESTER: "Mr. Benny's residence, star of stage, radio, television, and silent pictures!"

JOKE: [21:10]

JACK: "Oh, you baked a cake for me?"

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, and you ought to see it, boss. Across the top of the whipped cream, I wrote "Happy Birthday"."

JACK: "Aw, that's nice, Rochester."

ROCHESTER: "By the way, how many p's in Happy?"

JACK: "Two."

ROCHESTER: "Uh oh."

JACK: "Oh, so you'll have to add one."

ROCHESTER: "I've got to take one off, I've got three!"

JACK: "Well lookit, you can do that later. Now Rochester, I don't know what to do. I thought today was my 40th birthday, but I just got a wire from my sister, and she says I'm 39."

ROCHESTER: "Well, don't argue with her, Boss. Grab it!"

JACK: "Now Rochester, I've got to be honest with myself. Now, I want you to look at my birth certificate, and tell me the date on it."

ROCHESTER: "Your birth certificate?"

JACK: "Yes, do you know where it is?"

ROCHESTER: "It's right here on the desk."

JACK: "What's my birth certificate doing on the desk?

ROCHESTER: "You got it out the other day when you applied for your Old Age Pension."

JACK: "Oh, I just did that for a gag."

ROCHESTER: "Well, they must be laughing, your first check came today."

[laughter, applause]

JACK: "Rochester, stop making things up. Now, look at my birth certificate."

ROCHESTER: "I'm looking at it."

JACK: "Now in the space where it says Date of Birth, what's there?"

ROCHESTER: "A hole."

JACK: "A hole in the paper?"

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, we erased it once too often."

JACK: "Oh well, there's nothing I can do and I'll have to take my sister's word for it."

ROCHESTER: "I guess so, Boss. Your sister must be right."

JACK: "Yep, I guess I'm 39. Goodbye, Rochester."

ROCHESTER: "Goodbye. Oh, say Boss? Hee, hee, hee."

JACK: "What?"

ROCHESTER: "Aren't we devils?"

JACK: "You and me?"

ROCHESTER: "No, me and your sister."

CONTINUITY ALERT: In the 12-23-1953 episode, Jack mentioned that the City of Waukegan had destroyed his birth certificate as last year's birthday present to him. And of course, they discovered the same hole in the birth certificate the last time they did this episode, on 2-13-1949.

BOTTOM LINE: A really good episode, but not really the kind of thing that should be done twice. If they expect the audience to remember Kenny Baker, then a few of them are also going to remember that they played the same birth certificate trick and almost turning 40 tricks only 5 years ago.

24. 02/21/54 JACK AT THE TRAIN STATION (25:35)

SITCOM: Rochester is packing for their upcoming trip to New York. He's just finished with his own stuff, and is moving on to Jack's. Rochester has packed all the hair supplies, to bolster Jack's morale. Rochester recalls the time Jack put his long underwear on backwards and looked like a sailor. It's not very funny, but you know Rochester. He could read from the phone book and get a laugh. Jack brings some books for Rochester to pack, and asks for his violin.

Don arrives, in a very sullen mood over being given an upper berth on the Super Chief. Jack assures him it's better than last time, when Don was shipped as freight.

The phone rings. It's Bob Crosby, asking Jack to give Remley a lift to the train station from wherever he's currently passed out. Not much happens during the call, it's just a sneaky way to shift the action from Jack's house to Bob's, sort of the way you change characters in some of those Nancy Drew games.

At Bob's house, Bob is explaining to his wife June about how the whole band has upper berths, except for Bagby the piano player, who needs a compartment in order to have room for the officer handcuffed to him. Bob asks if June has packed everything, and realizes he needs to bring extra money. Bob resolves to take his music to New York. The music is a new number he's been rehearsing. In fact, he offers to play it for June right now. An impromptu orchestra springs up, as Bob sings "Wrap Your Trouble in Dreams".

Back at Jack's, Rochester is asking how many sandwiches to take along. Jack says none, as he's resolved to take all his meals in the dining car this time. Rochester packs his camera to take pictures to sell to the newspapers. Jack asks Don to pick up Remley while he goes down to the vault for some ready cash.

Jack goes down to the vault to get some cash, and sadly muses how rich he'd be if his Confederate money still had value.

Jack goes back upstairs, and sends Rochester out to the drugstore to get supplies. He also asks Roch to pick up a copy of The Saturday Evening Post, with a Bob Hope story in it.

Later, Jack arrives at the train station, where, as always, a train is leaving for Anaheim, Azusa, and Cucamonga. Jack meets Bob and goes to the ticket window to get a ticket for his producer. On the way he passes Don and the Sportsmen before meeting The Rube from Calabasas. Rube has just run for Mayor of Calabasas but won't know if he's won until the rural vote comes in.

Jack finally makes it to the ticket window, and I wonder who the agent will be? The strains of "Oh, Mister? Mister?" remove all doubt. Jack and Frank start to go at it as usual, when Hy Averback asks to cut ahead in line. Hy wants a ticket to Constantinople, which merely leads to Hy and Frank doing a Prosey Song routine about the song "Istanbul".

Jack finally threatens to report Frank if he doesn't sell him a ticket (to New York that is, not Constantinople). The train starts to pull out, so Jack makes a run for it, jumps, and barely makes it. As he does, he meets a man handcuffed to Bagby, for yet another weak ending.

TAG: Mabel does a USAFI commercial.

On the train, Jack and Rochester plug two radio shows, his TV show with Helen Hayes, and a benefit telethon for his cast that will raise enough money to allow them to eat and sleep on the same day.

We close with the usual 45 minutes of "Be Lucky Go Happy", perpetually looped.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone, Dennis Day

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Hy Averback,

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, Sam Hearn, Joe Kearns, Frank Nelson, Benny Rubin, Shirley Mitchell, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Alice Bauer

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny and his entire cast leave for New York, where they'll do one television and two radio shows. As we look in on Jack's home in Beverly Hills, Rochester is taking care of the packing for the trip."

NOTE: Around the World, the Jack Benny Program, edited for rebroadcast.

NOTE: Don still laughs when he mentions Bob Crosby's name in the opening. Should Bob be taking this personally?

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: {2:30} cut the long underwear off at the knee and looked like pedal pushers.

JOKE: [3:10] (Jack's going to New York)

JACK: "Don't forget to take along my violin."

ROCHESTER: "You're taking that thing to new York with you?"

JACK: "Yes, and there's always a possibility that it might get lost or damaged. So, see that my insurance policy with Lloyd's of London is paid up."

ROCHESTER: "You got your violin insured with Lloyd's of London?"

JACK: "Yes, why?"

ROCHESTER: "I thought that anything that moans like that would have the Blue Cross."

JOKE: [5:30] (Jack gets a call)

JACK: "Hello?"

BOB: "Hello Jack, this is Bob Crosby."

JACK: "Oh, hello Bob, what is it?"

BOB: "Well, June and the kids are all going to the station to see me off, so I won't have a car pool, so I wondered if you wouldn't mind giving Frank Remley a lift to the station."

JACK: "Oh, of course, I'll be glad to. Remley, huh? Where should I pick him up?"

BOB: "Up by the arms, like we always do."

[big laugh, including from Jack, who is so busted up he can't do his next line straight.]

JOKE: [6:15] (Bob's Expense Account)

BOB: "Say, I better take along some extra money."

JUNE: "Money? Don't you get an expense account while you travel with the show?"

BOB: "Well, yes. Jack gives us each $5 a day."

JUNE: "$5 a day? Well, that'll hardly pay for your hotel room. What about food?"

BOB: "Well, Jack has that all figured out. One day I eat, and one day I sleep."

BOB SINGS: Bob sings "Wrap Your Troubles in Dreams".

JOKE: [9:45] (Vault Routine)

JACK: "I'm going down to the vault. I'll be right back, Rochester."

[footsteps]

[door opens and closes]

[footsteps]

JACK: "Now to cross the bridge over the moat.

[footsteps]

[swirling water]

JACK: "Gosh, look at that alligator. So strong and powerful. He's been very valuable to me too. Three wallets and a belt, and he's still as healthy as ever. I hope he forgets by next Christmas. He's getting wise to me when I come in here with a piece of meat in one hand and a can of ether in the other. Down, boy. See you later."

[footsteps]

[ratting chains]

[door creaks]

[footsteps]

[rattling chains]

[door creaks]

[footsteps]

ED: "Halt. Who goes there, friend…"

[Rest of line cut out in my recording, apparently they cut out the tobacco related password]

ED: "Oh, it's you, Mr. Benny!"

JACK: "Yes, Ed. Nice seeing you again."

ED: "Thank you."

JACK: "I've got to open the safe and get some money."

ED: "Shall I lie down so you can give me the ether again?"

JACK: "No, no Ed. You can watch. (This time). Now, let's see, the combination is Right to 45."

[spin, spin, spin]

JACK: "Left to 60."

[spin, spin, spin]

JACK: "Back to 15."

[spin, spin, spin]

JACK: "Then left to 110. There."

[door opens]

[about a dozen alarms, whistles and sirens go off, with a loud foghorn at the end]

JACK: "There, we are. Now, let's see how much money I need. There, this ought to be enough. Gosh, look at that big pile of money way in the back of the safe. Boy, if the South had won, I'd be a millionaire. Well, I'd better close the safe. So long, Ed."

ED: "Goodbye, Mr. Benny."

NOTE: This sketch is lifted almost verbatim from the Vault Routine of 1/25/1953. My .mp3 copy of that episode is also missing the Password Sequence, and a copy of the episode that I recorded on Armed Forces Radio also has the password deleted.

CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack has used the exact same combination in every vault sequence.

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [13:45]

JACK: "And don't be late, the Super Chief leaves in a few minutes."

ROCHESTER: "I've got to go to that drugstore and get myself a few things."

JACK: "What do you have to get?"

ROCHESTER: "Some toothpaste, vitamin pills and shampoo."

JACK: "Wait a minute, Rochester, isn't that a Rexall drugstore?"

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, why?"

JACK: "Well, they're having a 1 cent sale. Here's three cents, get me the same."

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT: [14:40]

MEL: "Train now arriving on Track 4 from San Francisco. Train now arriving on Track 6 from San Diego. Engine now arriving on Track 3 from Las Vegas. Boy, did that conductor have bad luck!"

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENET: [15:20]

Attention, please. Attention. The train standing on Track 9 will not leave the station. The engineer refuses to travel for a lousy $5 a day."

RUBE SKETCH: [15:40]

RUBE: "Hiya, Rube!"

JACK: "Huh? Oh, it's my friend from Calabasas. What are you doing here in Los Angeles?"

RUBE: "Rubbing my eyes, same as everybody else."

JACK: "Oh! That's…"

RUBE: "For a city that don't grow nothin', they sure got a lot of smudgin' going on around here."

JACK: "Yes, yeah. Where are you going?"

RUBE: "No place. I just arrived from Calabasas."

JACK: "Oh. How are things out there?"

RUBE: "Oh, pretty good. Been making speeches all month."

JACK: "Speeches?"

RUBE: "Yep, I ran for mayor. The election was yesterday."

JACK: "Mayor of Calabasas, uh? How did you make out?"

RUBE: "I don't know, we're still waitin' for the rural vote to come in."

JACK: "Oh, of course. The rural vote. Well tell me, did you put on a good campaign?"

RUBE: "Oh yes, yes. I went around to each farmer individually and asked him what his biggest problem was."

JACK: "I see, and what is the farmer's biggest problem?"

RUBE: "Travelling Salesman."

JACK: "Oh."

RUBE: "Well, so long, Rube!"

JACK: "So long, so long."

NOTE: One of the Rube's better sketches. All the jokes click this time.

NOTE: All right, once and for all, we're going to find out what kind of town Calabasas is. According to Wikipedia, it became a town in 1991. Before that, it was an unincorporated portion of Los Angeles County, 22 miles from downtown LA. Population in 2000 was 20,058, so we can only imagine what it was in 1954. Being in LA County, it's not nearly as remote as Jack's show made it seem. According to wiki, notable residents include Sean Astin, Rod Carew, Lynda Carter, Ron Cey, Jonathan Frakes, Lee Majors, Britney Spears, and Tupack Shakur. Not really what I expected. I guess some jokes are better left unexplained.

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT: [17:10}

MEL: "Attention please. All newspaper men and reporters, attention. Now arriving from Florida. Barbara Hutton and Porfirio Rubirosa. They are arriving on trains marked His and Hers."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Hutton was married to Rubirosa from 12/20/53 - 2/20/54, breaking up when Rubirosa continued his affair with Zsa Zsa Gabor after the ceremony. Since the marriage had actually ended the day BEFORE this broadcast, this joke was not especially well timed.

SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS: [17:45]

JACK: "Oh, Mister? Mister?"

FRANK: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees??"

JACK: "Holy… are you the ticket agent?"

FRANK: "No, I'm a groundhog. I came out, saw my shadow, and ran back in here."

JOKE: [18:20} (Still squabbling with Frank)

JACK: "I'd like to buy a ticket to New York."

FRANK: "Well, I can only sell you a ticket to San Francisco. I just sold the man ahead of you a ticket to New York."

JACK: "Well, what's that got to do with it? You can sell me a ticket to New York, can't you?"

FRANK: "I can, but I won't."

JACK: "Why not?"

FRANK: "I like to keep my stacks even!"

PROSEY SONGS: [18:30]

CUSTOMER (Hy Averback): "Excuse me, sir. I'm in a terrible hurry, would you mind if I go ahead of you?"

JACK: "Well… no, I guess not."

CUSTOMER: "Thank you."

FRANK: "Yes sir, what can I do for you, sir?"

CUSTOMER: "Well, I'd like to buy a ticket to Constantinople."

FRANK: "Oh, I'm awfully sorry, but you can't buy a ticket to Constantinople."

CUSTOMER: "Why not?"

FRANK: "Well you see, Istanbul was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople."

JACK: "Look…"

CUSTOMER: "But I've to meet my girl in Constantinople."

FRANK: "But every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople. So if you've a date in Constantinople…"

JACK: "Look, look."

FRANK: "You'll be waiting in Istanbul."

JACK: "Mister.

CUSTOMER: "Well, that's confusing."

FRANK: "Well, I don't know why. Even old New York was once New Amsterdam."

JACK: "Well, why did they change it?"

CUSTOMER: "I can't say."

FRANK: "People just liked it better that way."

CUSTOMER: "But I want to go back to Constantinople."

FRANK: "But you can't go back to Constantinople, now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople."

JACK: "Gee, why did Constantinople get the works?"

FRANK: "That's nobody's business but the Turks!!"

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT: [20:10]

MEL: "Train now arriving on Track 9 with 75 carloads of Florida oranges."

[gunshots]

MEL: "Train now departing on Track 9 with 75 carloads of Florida oranges."

JOKE: [20:45]

FRANK: "Do you want this ticket on the El Capitan, or the Super Chief?"

JACK: "Well, let's see, I'm on the Super Chief, and the fare on that is $143."

FRANK: "That's right. And if he goes on the El Capitan, it'll be $175."

JACK: "Now, just a minute! I happen to know that the super Chief his more expensive than the El Capitan!"

FRANK: "Not when you're on it!!"

JACK: "Now, cut that out!!"

NOTE: The Big 4 Writers (Perrin, Josefsberg, Balzer and Tackaberry) are credited for this episode.

BOTTOM LINE: The Old Reliable Train Station delivers yet another strong episode.

EPISODE 25 Benny 54-02-28 From - New York.mp3 (2150)

THE SHOW: As often happens, Jack threatens to fire Jack for his unflattering introduction. Jack and Bob discuss Eisenhower playing golf at Tamarisk, where Jack also plays.

The phone rings, and it's Rochester calling early… I mean calling at all! It's not like it was inevitable that he was going to call. Roch has been watching Helen Hayes rehearse for Jack's TV show.

A fella (Mel), and four girls from the audience ask to speak with Jack. The fella is Rogers N. Hammerstein, President of a local branch of the Jack Benny Fan Club. He has the four girls sing a Jack-themed version of "Hello, Beautiful". Amazingly it has no tobacco lyrics, but since the show is edited for rebroadcast, it probably did once.

Don starts to tell Jack about a trick he played on Lois, but the volume dies out, almost as though the show was spliced back together later.

George Jessel walks in. Georgie didn't get a chance to thank Jack for MC'ing a testimonial dinner for him at the Friars, so naturally he just walked in in the middle of Jack's show to do it. Georgie gives a testimonial speech, welcoming Jack to New York (not that Jack hasn't been here hundreds of times over the years). Jack introduces Georgie to Don.

Jack says he has some leftover material, and would like to do a sketch about Georgie's life. Georgie insists that he'd rather do a sketch about Jack's life instead. It seems like we did this already, back on 11/4/1951, but neither Jack nor Georgie seem to remember. Georgie introduces the play.

PLAY: [11:00] "The Jack Benny Story", or "You Can't Take It With You Because He Owns It". The play is redone almost verbatim from 11/4/51, with some parts recast.

Jack is born. Jack's father tells the doctor he'll have Jack himself cut a check for his fee, as he's already saved $800 in the 2 minutes he's been alive.

By the age of 6 months, Jack has 32 teeth, all uppers. As a child he played with a toy cash register in his crib.

Jackie goes to school, where he invents the New Math before its time. Jackie takes violin lessons from Professor La Blanc, and even then La Blanc had a hard time getting paid. Jackie made "Love in Bloom" his song long before we thought he did.

Jack graduates from school. He tries to give a call out to La Blanc during graduation, but La Blanc would rather have his money.

Jack's father tries to help him get into the army. Jack succeeds in getting into the navy, much to the relief of his family.

George gets distracted telling his own life's story until Jack gets him back on track.

Jack decides to build a radio show, and sets out building a cast. Don is hard to miss. He finds Mary at the stocking counter of the May Company, and reclaims Phil Harris from a Bowery mission.

At a party, Jack approaches Jack Warner… while parking his Cadillac. A month after making "The Horn Blows at Midnight, Warner has moved down to a Chevrolet.

Jack moves into a house in Beverly Hills with Rochester, where three years ago he got an award that nobody heard about: a $37 tax refund. He did not use that money to buy a better ending for a change.

The play ends. Jack congratulates Georgie on the play. Georgie launches into a speech, and he and Jack spar for the last minute of airtime.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone, Dennis Day

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: The Chordettes, Lois Corbett, Dwight D. Eisenhower, George Jessel

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, E. Roland Harrison, Alair Omstead

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, right now, we're doing a radio show from the Lincoln Square Theater. We can't bring you Lincoln, but here's a real square, Jack Benny!"

NOTE: This program was broadcast from New York City. Edited for Rebroadcast.

NOTE: Georgie Jessel doing The Life of Jack Benny is remade from the 11-04-1951 episode.

JOKE: [1:00]

DON: "Oh, say Jack. Did you read that last week President Eisenhower played golf at the club you belong to in Palm Springs? Tamarisk?"

JACK: "Yes, Don. And what a thrill I got when I read that. Just imagine. The President of the United States driving off from the same tee I drove off. Putting on the same green that I putted on. Tipping the same caddy that called me a cheapskate. What a thrill."

DON: "You know Jack, when the President plays golf, he's accompanied by 20 Secret Service men."

JACK: "20 Secret Service men. Gosh, I'll bet he never loses the ball. You know, FBI means "Find Ball Instantly"."

JOKE: [2:40] (This week's Guest Star)

JACK: "Helen Hayes. I'm sure lucky to get her as a guest star. She's some actress, isn't she, Rochester?"

ROCHESTER: "Yeah, and Boss. You should have seen her this afternoon. In one minute she went from a mood of carefree, lighthearted gaiety, to the pent-up emotions of anger, frustration, and despair."

JACK: "Gee, what scene was that?"

ROCHESTER: "No scene, she was reading her contract."

JOKE: [4:00] (End of phone call)

ROCHESTER: "Goodbye. Oh, say Boss!"

JACK: "Now what?"

ROCHESTER: "I was just wondering if I could have tomorrow off."

JACK: "Tomorrow? But Rochester, just last week you had three days off."

ROCHESTER: "Oh Boss, you're not going to count them, are you?"

JACK: "Why not?"

ROCHESTER: "We were on the train."

JACK: "You had nothing to do."

ROCHESTER: "Nothing?? Every time we came to a stop, you threw a white coat on my back, shoved a whisk broom in my hand, and we split the tips!"

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [5:20](Jack's Guest Star)

JACK: "Don, Rochester is over at the television studio, watching a rehearsal."

DON: "Oh Jack, how did you manage to get such a wonderful actress as Helen Hayes to appear on your television show?"

JACK: "Well Don, I heard she was very anxious to appear on an outstanding comedy program, so I went up to her apartment and asked her to be on my show, and she accepted immediately."

DON: "Well, that's amazing."

JACK: "I will admit, of course, I used a little trick?"

DON: "You did? What did you do?"

JACK: "I had my leg in a cast, she thought I was Jackie Gleason."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: According to Wikipedia:

In early 1954, the comedian suffered a broken leg and ankle on-air during his television show. His injuries sidelined him for a few weeks, and Gleason's friends filled in for him while he recuperated.[35][36] Gleason's injury dealt a permanent blow to his already-troubled marriage. While they were still separated when Gleason was hospitalized, Genevieve came to visit and found he already had a visitor: dancer Marilyn Taylor from his television show. The women confronted each other, and Genevieve filed for a legal separation in April 1954;[34][37] they were divorced in 1970.[38]

Genevieve was Gleason's first wife. He eventually married Marilyn Taylor, but she was his 3rd wife, not his second.

JOKE: [10:00] (Georgie Jessel drops in)

JACK: "By the way Georgie, this is my announcer, Don Wilson."

GEORGIE: "Yes, of course. You know Don, I've seen you at so many of the dinners at which I've been the Toastmaster."

DON: "Oh, you have?"

GEORGIE: "Yes, and if you'd look up from your plate once in a while, you'd see me too."

DON: "Say George, I understand that Jack made a very good M.C. at the dinner the Friars gave."

GEORGIE: "Don, Jack was just wonderful. He said so many nice things about me."

DON: "Oh, he did?"

GEORGIE: "Yes, he did. His speech was so beautiful, he paid me such flowing compliments, I sat there thinking "Either he's lying, or I'm dead"."

CONTINUITY ALERT: Don and Georgie have met before, when Jessel MC'ed the show in Jack's absence, on 4-3-1938.

JOKE: [11:20] (George tells Jack's life story)

JESSEL: "Our story begins with the birth of Jack Benny, in the year 1894. Thirty-nine years ago."

NOTE: In the original version of this sketch (11-03-1951), Jack's father was played by Frank Nelson. This time it's an uncredited actor.

JOKE: [13:10]

JESSEL: "But Jack wasn't an only child. He had a younger sister named Florence. Today, he has an older sister named Florence."

JOKE: [13:30] (Jackie in Grade School)

TEACHER: "Now, for the next question, I will call on Jackie Benny."

JACKIE: "Yes, teacher."

TEACHER: "Now Jackie, if you loaned $10 to Albert, and $5 to Irving, and $15 to Tommy, and they all paid you back at once, how much money would you have?"

JACKIE: "$31."

TEACHER: "I'm sorry Jackie, but the answer is only $30."

JACKIE: "What about the interest?"

TEACHER: "Oh yes, I forgot. And that reminds me, Jackie, I'll pay you the money I owe you Friday."

JACKIE: "Good, then I'll give you back your wristwatch."

JOKE: [14:00]

GEORGIE: "It was easy to see there was something about Jackie that was different from other boys. In his class, there was one little boy who lived near the stock yard. There was another whose home was above a livery stable. And still another who lived next door to a glue factory. Yet, Jackie was the only kid in his class called Stinky."

JOKE: [17:00]

GEORGIE: "With the war over, Jack's parents knew he would soon be home, and they made preparations: they moved."

NOTE: Since this is a remake of a 1951 episode, in the scene where Jack is assembling his radio cast, he finds Phil Harris, even though Phil is no longer on the show. For some reason, they didn't rewrite this joke to try to explain where Jack found Bob Crosby. Probably because Bob was too well known before he joined the show.

JOKE: [19:00] (Jack tries to get a job with Warner)

JESSEL: "Not content with the success of radio, Jack decided to go into motion pictures, and one night he happened to be at a gay party, where every big producer in Hollywood was present. And feeling that this was his opportunity, Jack approached Mr. Warner, the head of the Warner Brothers Studio."

JACK: "Mr. Warner. I realize it's not considered proper to mix business with pleasure. But there's no reason I can't be a big success. And I feel that if you and I put our heads together, we can come up with a role that will not only suit my particular talents, but will also…"

JACK WARNER (Mel): "Never mind, just park my car!"

JESSEL: "So, Jack parked Mr. Warner's Cadillac. But he persisted, and finally made a number of pictures for Warner Brothers, climaxed by The Horn Blows at Midnight. It was one month after this picture was released that Jack met Mr. Warner at another party."

JACK: "But Mr. Warner, there's no sense being mad at me. When you're a producer, you've got to take chances. And I feel that if you and I…"

JACK WARNER (Mel): "Never mind, just park my Chevrolet."

NOTE: There have been very few references of any kind to Chevrolet on Jack's show since the President of Chevrolet unceremoniously dumped Jack in 1934. On 4/13/54 (the second General Tire episode), there's a not-so-subtle dig at the company, when Jack comments that the make of a car doesn't matter, it's the tire that counts. There's a much better dig at them in this episode, 20 years later, when Jack Warner's move from a Cadillac to a Chevrolet is used to symbolize his waning fortunes. I wonder what took them so long to get this dig in?

BOTTOM LINE: So-So episode. The opening bit is good without being outstanding. The Play of Jack's Life is a great sketch, but it was much better cast and performed the first time around. The highlight of this episode is the long overdue Chevrolet Slam.

EPISODE 26 Benny 54-03-07 Jack's Big Date.mp3 (2058)

SITCOM: Rochester is cleaning Jack's room at the Acme Plaza. Jack enters, wondering what the weather is like outside, but unfortunately, he didn't get a room with a window.

Rochester calls room service for Jack's breakfast. Rochester asks to have the night off for a farewell party, but Jack needs him. Fortunately, the party is a rather extended one and will still be going on tomorrow.

Don arrives. The sponsor is so happy about Jack's work in New York that he's treating them to a Broadway show. The singers from the Hit Parade drop by to audition, and sing "When the Red, Red Robin Comes Bob-Bob-Bobbin' Along."

Don asks Jack to dinner, but Jack is dining with Giselle McKenzie tonight. The Room Service Guy brings Jack's breakfast. They bring Don's breakfast as well, but this takes considerably more time to set up.

That evening, Jack is walking down Broadway. He asks directions of a passerby who turns out to be… no, not The Idunno Guy, but John L. C. Savoney.

Savoney won a two week vacation and so elected to come to New York to try out with the Giants (baseball, that is).

Jack arrives at the studio, where Giselle McKenzie is rehearsing. Jack arrives just as Giselle is rehearsing her number. Giselle sings "Young at Heart".

Jack asks Giselle out to dinner. She suggests The Colony Club, 21 and El Morocco, but Jack isn't too keen on any of them. Giselle suggests a little French restaurant on 83rd Street, named "The Food is Lousy, but the Price is Right" (The name sounds better in French).

Jack wants to walk to the restaurant, but Giselle seduces him into getting a cab.

In the cab, Jack puts his arm around Giselle, and tries to make sexy chit-chat, but is too distracted by the clicking of the taxi meter. The cabbie (Mel) asks if Jack knows his brother, and can't understand why he doesn't, as both of them live in LA.

Jack finally comes completely unglued over how fast the taxi meter is advancing, and has Mel stop the cab. Giselle wants to know what they'll do for dinner, but fortunately the cab has stopped right in front of her apartment.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Frank Fontaine, Hit Parade Quartet, Gisele MacKenzie

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Dorothy Collins, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, Mandel Kramer, James O'Neil, Frank Stanton

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Jack Benny's second week in New York, and right now, we'd like to take you to Jack's room at the Waldorf Astoria hotel. Unfortunately, he's not staying there. So, we bring you to his room at the Acme Plaza."

NOTE: This episode broadcast from New York.

ROCHESTER SINGS: [0:45] Rochester sings "The Sidewalks of New York".

JOKE: [2:15] (Rochester orders Jack's breakfast at the Acme Plaza)

ROOM SERVICE: "Now, what else, please?"

ROCHESTER: "Buttered toast and coffee."

ROOM SERVICE: "Coffee?"

ROCHESTER: "Yes."

ROOM SERVICE: "The management of the Acme Plaza Hotel requests that we make this announcement to our guests. Due to the recent increases in the price of wholesale coffee, we are forced to raise our prices."

ROCHESTER: "You raised your price in coffee?"

ROOM SERVICE: "Yes, it's 5¢ a cup now."

JOKE: [2:45] (Leaving New York)

ROCHESTER: "By the way, Boss, can I have tonight off? Some friends of mine are giving me a farewell party."

JACK: "No Rochester, I have a lot of things for you to do."

ROCHESTER: "Can I have tomorrow night off?"

JACK: "No."

ROCHESTER: "How about Tuesday night?"

JACK: "Tuesday night sounds all right. Where are you going Tuesday?"

ROCHESTER: "The same party, It'll still be rolling."

JOKE: [6:00]

[knock, knock, knock]

JACK: "Come in."

BELLBOY: "Here's your breakfast."

JACK: "Thanks."

BELLBOY: "Here's the pepper and salt. Here's a whisk broom."

JACK: "A whisk broom? What's that for?"

BELLBOY: "Coming down the hall, I dropped your ham and eggs."

JOKE: [7:45]

JACK: "Excuse me, Mister."

SAVONEY: "Huh? You talkin' to me?"

JACK: "Hey, I know you! You're John L.C. Savoney! What a surprise running into you again, Mr. Savoney, huh?"

SAVONEY: "Wait a minute. Who are you?"

JACK: "Don't you recognize me? Here, I'll step under the light. Now, take a look at me."

SAVONEY: "Holy Smoke, it's Jack Benny!!"

JACK: "That's right. Mr. Savoney, the last time I saw you was in Hollywood. What are you doing here in New York?"

SAVONEY: "Well, I'll tell you how it happened, anyway. I was back in Hollywood. I was just hanging around the house. Just hanging around the house. I wasn't doing anything. I was just hanging around the house. I didn't feel like doing anything. Just hanging around the house. I said to my wife, "Hey, you". And she said… she said "Who?". I said "You"." She said "Me?". I said "Yeah!". She said "What?" I said "Answer the phone". She said "No". I said "Answer the phone". She said "No". I said "Answer the phone". She said "No". I said "Answer the phone!" She said "NO!"

JACK: "Did she say why? Why didn't she want to answer the phone?"

SAVONEY: "It hadn't rung yet."

JACK: "Oh. Well, if the phone hadn't rung, why did you want her to answer it?"

SAVONEY: "Well, she was just hanging around. She wasn't doing anything."

JACK: "Oh, I see."

SAVONEY: "Yeah! And then the phone rings. And it was a quiz program! And I answered all the questions correctly!"

JACK: "You answered the questions correctly? What did they ask you?"

SAVONEY: "Well! First they asked me my name."

JACK: "Naturally."

SAVONEY: "They didn't stick me! Hee hee! Hee! I had it right here on my driver's license."

JACK: "Oh, well what else? What else did they ask you on this quiz program?"

SAVONEY: "Well! They told me they asked the same questions over a lot of contestants! They asked me how many leg does a horse have! And I said "Three". And I won!"

JACK: "Wait a minute, John. That's not the right answer."

SAVONEY: "I know, but I was the closest!"

JACK: "Hmm."

SAVONEY: "And then they announced on the radio that the winner of the two week's vacation in Honolulu was John L. C. Savoney, and I said Holy Smoke, that's me!!"

JACK: "John, did you say you won two weeks in Honolulu?"

SAVONEY: "Yeah!"

JACK: "Then what are you doing here instead?"

SAVONEY: "Well, I asked him if I could come here because I want to try out with the Giants."

JACK: "But John, you can't play baseball!"

SAVONEY: "With the Giants, that's an advantage!"

JACK: "I see what you mean."

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: In 1953, the Giants had fallen to a 70-84 record, after their trip to the World Series in 1951, on Bobby Thomson's Shot Heard Round the World home run.

JACK AND GISELLE MCKENZIE: [16:00]

JACK: "Giselle, that [song] was just wonderful!"

GISELLE: "Huh? Oh, it's you, Jack."

JACK: "I came in just as you started your number."

GISELLE: "Well, I'm all finished now, we can go."

JACK: "Good. Is there any particular place you'd like to eat?"

GISELLE: "Well, how about the Colony Club?"

[long pause]

JACK: "Well…"

GISELLE: "21?"

JACK: "Oh… I don't know."

GISELLE: "How about El Morocco?"

[long pause]

JACK: "Well…"

GISELLE: "Say, I know just the place. It's a little French restaurant on 83rd Street. You'll love it. It's called [string of French]."

JACK: "What does that mean?"

GISELLE: "The Food is Lousy, But The Price is Right."

JACK: "It sounds so nice in French. You know, Giselle, I figured that you'd suggest a French restaurant. Your name is French, isn't it?"

GISELLE: "Well, just my first name. McKenzie is Scotch."

JACK: "Ah, the Scotch. They're great people."

GISELLE: "Do you really think so, Jack?"

JACK: "Yes. Both Phil Harris and I loved them but for different reasons. We, uh, we turn this corner here, huh?"

GISELLE: "Oh Jack, are we going to walk all the way?"

JACK: "Well…"

GISELLE: "Oh, come on, Jackie Boy. Wouldn't it be fun with just the two of us in a cab? Hmmm? Hmmm?"

JACK: "TAXI!! TAXI!!"

[sound of screeching tires]

MEL: "Hey, you want a cab, Mister?"

JACK: "Uh yes, get in, Giselle."

[door opens and closes]

MEL: "Where do you want to go, folks?"

GISELLE: "Up Broadway to 83rd Street?"

MEL: "Okay."

[clicking sound]

JACK: "Gee, as soon as he pushed the meter down, it registered 25¢. Do you hear that noise? What happened to 15 and 5? Oh, well."

[engine noises]

JACK: "Giselle?"

GISELLE: "Yes?"

JACK: "Do you mind if I put my arm around you?"

GISELLE: "Well… no, Jack."

JACK: "There we are. Now, as I was saying, when I saw you last, I thought about you quite often. Not as a singer or entertainer, but as a beautiful…

[click]

JACK: "…30 cents. Whom I could be very fond of. As a matter of fact, during my many years I show business, I've always thought of meeting a girl as sweet and intelligent as you. Yours is the type of beauty I've always admired. Gorgeous figure, dark flashing eyes. Gleaming, black…'

[click]

JACK: "…35 cents. Hair. Giselle, I'm not usually serious. But a date like this tonight could lead to another. Then we could get engaged. And after a while, we'd even get married, and, well you know how it is. We could even raise a family, and have one or two, or even three…"

[click]

JACK: "…40 cents. Kids. Or maybe just like in the song. A boy for you and a girl…

[click]

JACK: "…45. That was a quickie!"

GISELLE: "Well, this is a Ricochet Romance if I ever saw one."

JACK: "Aw Giselle, stop kidding. I'm serious about this."

MEL: "Hey, buddy. You back there. Ain't you Jack Benny?"

JACK: "Yes. Yes, I am. You see, Giselle…"

MEL: "I thought I recognized you when you got in!"

JACK: "Thank you. You see, Giselle, I'm really fonder of you than…"

MEL: "Say Mr. Benny, I got a brudder who lives in Los Angeles. His name's Crowley. Joe Crowley. Did you ever run into him there?"

JACK: "Crowley? No, I don't think so. Anyway, Giselle, every man must settle down some time. If a man feels romance has come into his life…"

MEL: "Cracks his knuckles a lot. Funny you never heard of him."

JACK: "Look driver, there are nearly two million people in Los Angeles! I assure you I don't know everybody!"

MEL: "But Joe wears glasses!"

JACK: "Well, I'm sorry, I didn't see him! Now, let's see, where was I?"

MEL: "Romance has come into your life, and Joe is wearing glasses."

JACK: "Now, as I was saying, there comes a time when every man…"

[click]

JACK: "…Holy Smoke, look at that meter! Sixty cents now! Driver, stop the cab!"

MEL: "But we ain't at 83rd Street yet!"

JACK: "I don't care! Stop the cab! Your meter's too fast!"

MEL: "Look Mister, you can't come into my cab and call me a crook!"

JACK: "You think… you think I'm some kind of tourist! That you can play me for a…"

[click]

JACK: "…65 cents! Well, you can't do that! Stop the cab!"

[screeching brakes]

JACK: "Here's your money! Come on, let's go, Giselle."

GISELLE: "But Jack, what about dinner?"

JACK: "Don't worry, he stopped right in front of your apartment. You must have something in the refrigerator!"

THE OLD DAYS: [17:10] The joke about Jack and Phil both loving the Scotch.

BOTTOM LINE: A reasonably entertaining episode. The bid with Jack mentally following the taxi meter has been done with gasoline pumps in the past, too. The cab sequence is good, but overall, the episode is a bit short on laughs.

EPISODE 27 Benny 54-03-14 On the Train to Los Angeles.mp3 (2526)

SITCOM: Jack, Mary, Dennis and Don are aboard the Super Chief (a train, not an Indian, or a brand of Texaco gasoline), playing 20 Questions.

Don has to step out for a moment before taking his turn. Jack decides that, since Don will surely pick a Lucky Strike cigarette, that it would be really funny if nobody guessed that, no matter how obvious it was. Even though Jack tried this exact same thing on the 11/5/1950 episode, and it didn’t go well, he apparently feels Lucky this time (no pun intended).

Bob walks in, and he and the boys are playing Two Questions (Ginger Ale or Straight). It’s a horrific case of déjà vu, because it seems that’s exactly what Phil was playing with the boys the last time Jack tried this trick.

When Bob leaves, Jack asks to hear the song Dennis is going to sing on the program. If Dennis had sung “Frosty the Snowman”, as he did on 11/5/1950, it would be positively frightening, so instead he sings “An Irishman Will Steal Your Heart Away” (that song is only frightening to non-Irish men).

Don returns and takes his turn. The 20 questions help determine that the item Don is thinking of is white, 3 inches long, cylindrical, free and easy on the draw, is round, firm and fully packed, and is associated with the letters LSMFT, yet nobody guesses a Lucky Strike. It doesn’t matter though, since Don claims that that wasn't the answer anyway. He was thinking of a piece of chalk. Jack doesn't buy it, and asks what the letters LSMFT have got to do with a piece of chalk. Don claims that they stand for Leibowitz, Sanders, McIntyre, Findley and Teitelbaum, the world's largest chalk manufacturer.

Jack objects to having the tables turned on him this way (But if you’re going to re-use old comedy sketches, you should expect this sort of thing. Jack goes to the Dining Car to read. He hums “Be Happy Go Lucky” to himself, and, in keeping with today’s déjà vu theme, even sings the old lyrics.

Jack signs an autograph for a little old lady, after a short routine, then spots Rochester telling stories about him to one of the porters.

Jack meets a little boy who saw Jack’s TV show with Liberace, and thanks Jack for convincing his parents to cancel his violin lessons.

Jack makes it to the dining car, and meets Mr. March, a fast-talking Steve Bradley type. He’s a salesman for Watson’s Woolen Underwear, and sings their jingle for Jack. It sounds oddly like the old Pepsi Cola jingle, but maybe I just have a suspicious mind. Mr. March hasn’t been in underwear long (pun intended). He used to work for a firm called Leibowitz, Sanders, McIntyre, Findley and Teitelbaum. Jack impresses him by knowing that the company is the world’s largest chalk manufacturer.

Jack goes back to his car, and spots Rochester and Sam the Porter still talking. Sam asks if Jack is getting off at LA or at Pasadena. Jack chooses Pasadena, as he always gets a better reception there.

TAG: Jack is back home, ready for dinner. All the dishes Rochester wants to cook for him use sour cream, mainly because Rochester forgot to stop the milk delivery before they left.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Roy Glenn, Hal March, Harry Shearer

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Dorothy Collins, Gloria Gordon, The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Lew Worsham

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Jack Benny and his cast are returning from their trip to New York. At the moment, they are in Mary's compartment board the Super Chief, playing 20 Questions."

NOTE: This is a Remake of the 11-05-1950 episode.

NOTE: All six writers are credited for this episode.

[Love in Bloom]

DON: "The Lucky Strike Program, Starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingstone, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and Yours Truly, Don Wilson."

[music up and out]

DON: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Jack Benny and his cast are returning from their trip to New York. At the moment, they are in Mary's compartment aboard the Super Chief, playing 20 Questions."

[The Super Chief was one of the more well known trains of the Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe line, that ran between L.A. and Chicago. Known as "The Train of the Stars", due to all the celebrities that used it.]

[This is a remake of the 11-05-1950 episode, 80-90% similar to that episode.]

JACK: "Now, let's see, Mary. We've used up 16 questions, and we've found that you're thinking of something that's animal. It's very famous in show business, and is over 6 feet tall."

MARY: "That's right."

DON: "Oh, I know. Jimmy Stewart."

MARY: "No."

JACK: "Gary Cooper?"

MARY: "Yep."

[In the 11-05-1950 episode, Mary's answer was Harvey, the Invisible Rabbit, based on the 1950 Jimmy Stewart film of the same name: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_(film) Apparently, the answer was changed as it was no longer timely]

JACK: "Well. We guessed that one. Now, let's see. It's your turn, Dennis."

DENNIS: "Okay. I got a good one."

DON: "Is it Animal, Mineral or Vegetable?"

DENNIS: "It's Animal. I think."

MARY: "You think?"

DENNIS: "Yeah, is a bird considered an animal?"

JACK: "Certainly. Hey, Mary. Mary, this silly kid just gave himself away. Watch this. Uh, tell me, Dennis. Is it a bird?"

DENNIS: "Uh huh."

JACK: "You see? You see?"

MARY: "Yeah. Dennis, is this bird extinct?"

DENNIS: "No."

DON: "Is uh, is this bird found in America?"

DENNIS: "Yes."

MARY: "A sparrow?"

DENNIS: "No."

DON: "Robin?"

DENNIS: "No."

JACK: "Wait a minute, Dennis. Is this a very large bird?"

DENNIS: "Uh huh."

JACK: "An eagle?"

DENNIS: "No."

DON: "A buzzard?"

DENNIS: "No."

DON: "Look, Dennis…"

JACK: "Wait a minute, Don. Hold it, hold it. I think I've got it. Dennis? Does this bird go to Capistrano quite frequently?"

DENNIS: "Yeah! Yeah!"

JACK: "It's a swallow?"

DENNIS: "No."

JACK: "No?

DENNIS: "No. Does everybody give up?"

MARY: "I do."

DON: "Oh, I give up."

JACK: "Me too. What is it?"

DENNIS: "Walter Pidgeon."

JACK: "Walt… Walter Pidgeon? Dennis, how can you say he's a bird?"

DENNIS: "I read in the paper where he just flew to New York."

JACK: "All right, Dennis. You thought he was a bird because his name is Pidgeon, and he flew to New York. But how can you say that he frequently goes to Capistrano?"

DENNIS: "His mother lives there."

JACK: "Dennis, that's the silliest thing I ever heard!"

MARY: "Jack, it's your turn now."

JACK: "I know, and I've got a good one. You'll never guess this one. Go ahead, all you smart guys. Start guessing."

DON: "Okay, Jack. Is it Animal, Mineral or Vegetable?"

JACK: "Animal."

MARY: "Is it alive?"

JACK: "Yeah."

DENNIS: "A human being?"

JACK: "Yes."

DON: "Has it got a mustache?"

JACK: "Yeah."

MARY: "Bald?"

JACK: "Bald? Yeah."

DENNIS: "I've got it… No, it couldn't be."