1950-1951 Season

RUNNING JOKES

39: Jack's age used to fluctuate a bit, anywhere from as low as 32 to his true age, but usually somewhere in his 30's. At this point in the series, his age is absolutely fixed at 39.

JACK'S VAULT: In earlier seasons, Jack kept his money in a variety of places; from his mattress to his sock. Nowadays he keeps it in an underground vault, guarded by an alligator-filled moat and a single human guard named Ed, who seems to have been down there since the late Revolutionary War.

PASSWORD: Whenever Jack goes down to his vault, he gives Ed the most recent password or code phrase. These passwords can be almost anything, but are most often product plugs (i.e. "It's toasted."), or something specific to Jack (i.e. "You CAN take it with you.")

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE SOUTH: Phil Harris' signature piece, which he's constantly either singing or threatening to sing, is an overly long, rambling paean to the wonders of the American South, (but primarily its cuisine), which fits both Phil's larger-than-life personality, and his own preference for that side of the Mason-Dixon Line. This song was only used in a small way until the 3/29/48 episode, in which Jack tried to parse the lyrics to prove that they made no sense, and met with stiffer opposition than he'd expected. After this episode, the song, and its fictional town, Doo-Wah-Diddy became a major running gag for the remainder of the season. Since then, the song has been to Jack's ears what Jack's violin is to everyone else's ears. Not me, though, I absolutely LOVE it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_dK0W0qfRo

HARRISISMS (MALAPROPISMS): Phil's poor literary skills often cause him to mis-read one word as another (Clink/Clinic, Los Angeles/Lozenges), usually with hilarious results.

HARRISISMS (BRAGADOCCIO): During shows broadcast away from the studio, Phil doesn't just make an entrance, he makes an E-N-T-R-A-N-C-E, usually by loudly announcing his arrival with a Mohammed Ali-like rhyming couplet.

HARRISISMS (SELF CONGRATULATION): Often after a middling joke, Phil will verbally congratulate himself for it with some exclamation, beginning with the words "Oh, Harris". (i.e. "Oh Harris, you may not be Guy Lombardo, but you're the sweetest thing!" or some such.)

WAYS JACK MAKES EXTRA MONEY: Jack's primary income comes from his radio program, but jokes are often made about him earning money in other ways, such as selling grazing rights to the milkman's horse, to selling tickets to his swimming pool. Jack's most commonly mentioned ways of making extra money are his laundry and Christmas Card businesses.

THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT: During the 1930's, Jack did a movie or two every year, and many routines and jokes were built around his latest one. Jack retired from movies after making "The Horn Blows at Midnight" in 1945. This movie was fair to middling, but there is a running joke to the effect that this was the worst movie ever made. If you believe the jokes, this was the "Plan 9 From Outer Space" before "Plan 9 From Outer Space". The kind of movie that causes dead people to get up and leave the theater. The kind of movie that Jack is absurdly and unjustifiably proud of, but which everyone else hates. It's hinted (but never quite stated) that the low quality of this movie contributed to the (non-voluntary) end of Jack's movie career.

THE COLMANS: Dramatic movie star Ronald Colman and his wife Benita Hume are Jack's (kayfabe) next door neighbors. Jack is the quintessential bad neighbor, and there are jokes aplenty about his constant borrowing from them of everything from milk and eggs, to furniture and clothing. Benita sort of tolerates Jack. Ronnie can't stand him. But both are too polite to come out and openly tell him off.

A couple of years ago, Ronnie and Benita both appeared fairly regularly as guests on Jack's show. They appear much less often now, ever since Ronnie began starring in his own radio show, "Halls of Ivy", in January 1950. But jokes about them are still commonplace, and they will show up more than once in this coming year.

FRANKIE REMLEY: A real-life member of Phil Harris' band who plays himself. Frankie appears extremely rarely, playing First Guitar and Second Drunk in Phil's band. As if having Phil as a drunken character weren't enough, they have Remley as backup character, when they want to tell drunk stories about someone in absentia. This is especially useful for anecdotes that have a strong visual element, and so need to have someone tell them verbally.

SAMMY THE DRUMMER: Phil's drummer. Usually mentioned for the sake of a bald joke. Since The Knocking an left, Sammy has been the show's resident Chrome Dome.

JACK'S FILKSONGS: Unlike most comedians, Jack doesn't do "monologues" as such. He does however, do quasi-monologue scenes in which he's walking down the sidewalk, musing to himself, about this and that, and often singing snatches of some popular song, often with the words tailored to fit him or his sponsor.

DON'S BELLY LAUGHS: A running gag involves Don telling a middling joke, and being completely overwhelmed with laughter at his own joke, until Jack stops him short with some insulting moniker ("Melancholy Baby!", "George Global!" "Cinemascope Stomach!", or some such).

JACK'S AGENT: Jack's (unnamed) theatrical agent is currently serving a prison term in Alcatraz. References are frequently made to this fact.

MARY'S SISTER BABE: Mary's sister "Babe Livingstone" is another character like Frankie Remley. Someone who exists to be talked about, but who seldom appears. Most of the jokes about Babe portray her as a homely man chaser, or engaged in some stereotypically masculine activity from boxing, to spot welding, to deep sea diving.

LETTERS FROM MOMMA: Mary frequently reads letters from home in which her mother tells funny stories about the goings on back in Plainfield, New Jersey, usually involving her parents, her sister Babe, or various other relatives.

NAMES FOR MOMMA: Jack often describes Mary's mother with some odd nickname, usually derived from the title of a movie or show. ("What does the Towering Inferno of Plainfield have to say this time?") Mary's mother often signs her letters with similar epigrams ("Your loving mother, 'Ball of Fire' Livingstone")

NAMES FOR JACK: The phone operators, Mabel and Gertrude often use the same nicknaming convention for Jack. ("Mr. Benny's line is flashing." "I wonder what 'Dial M for Money' wants now?" Or "I wonder what The Schmoe of Kilimanjaro wants now", or some such).

JACK'S TOUPEE: Jokes about Jack's toupee being lost in odd ways, turning up in odd places, or just the fact that it exists at all, are rampant.

SI/CY: Jack has a recurring bit with Mel Blanc, in which Mel plays a Mexican who only speaks words of one syllable, usually rhyming with his name, Cy. Jack loved doing this bit with Mel at every opportunity, and it's funnier than I've made it sound, but, at the same time I find it a bit overrated. It's funny yes, especially the first couple of times you hear it, but they did it far too many times, and every version is 75% similar to every other version. On the other hand, it's the kind of routine that can sometimes crack you up even on the 50th hearing, so I'm ambivalent about the merits of this one.

Here are a couple of examples:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9s8U0O0XPE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gy1ztCTrBEU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaVCnKzGGcU

DENNIS' ROUTINES: In most episodes, Dennis shows up with some outlandish story that Jack gets sucked into asking questions about, and ends up regretting that he did. The story could be anything from having his tonsils put back in, to committing suicide, to wearing a sling on his arm instead of his injured leg because it's easier to walk that way. The routines usually start out with one absurdity, and compound them with further absurdities which only come out after Jack has foolishly asked questions about the original absurdities. Occasionally Jack resists temptation and doesn't ask, in which case someone else does it for him. Although the routines usually make Dennis look clueless and goofy, Dennis occasionally makes comments that indicate he's fully aware that the routine is nutty, and is only doing it to get a rise. Jack's reaction to them is usually irritation. Never once does he say "this would be a funny bit to do on the program".

THE MAY COMPANY: In real life, Jack dated Mary when she worked at The May Company (a now-defunct department store). In the program, Jack "discovered" Mary when she was working at the May Company, and hired her for whatever role she has on his program. This is a frequent source of humor, and often leads to jokes about Jack threatening to send Mary back there if she gets too uppity. It also leads to about Mary's old colleagues earning more money than she does working for Jack.

BATTON, BARTON, DURSTINE AND OSBORN: Jack's lawyers, rarely mentioned any more, but the name still seems to get a laugh whenever it comes up just because people remember it.

THE BEVERLY HILLS BEAVERS: A group of Cub-Scoutish local youngsters whom Jack tells tall tales to. Jack occasionally attends their meetings, and holds the job of Treasurer in their club. Every once in a while, a group of them do a parody of Jack's show, using club members to play the roles of Jack's cast.

"OH!!! [SOMETHING]!": This is an occasional running gag between Dennis and Jack. Dennis tells about a problem he's having. Jack tries to make a helpful comment, and Dennis replies "Oh! [Something!]", which reveals a major part of the story that he'd previously left out. A typical example would be something like "Mr. Benny, when I went to the beach the other day, everyone was pointing and laughing at me." "Well, maybe there was a hole in your bathing suit." "Oh!! BATHING suit!"

DON'S INTROS: In the 1930's, when almost every episode was "The Show", Don gave a lot of clever left-handed compliment style introductions ("Ladies and gentlemen, we give you that violinist with the accent on "vile", Jack Benny!") Now that the show has become a sitcom about "The Show", Don's intros are mostly humor-free setups for this week's situation.

JACK'S EYES: Frequently, Jack and others will attempt to come up with colorful metaphors to describe just how blue Jack's eyes are ("Bluer than an Eskimo hitchhiker's thumb", or some such).

JACK'S BILLING: When Rochester answers the phone at Jack's house, he attempts to give him appropriate billing. For example, "Mr. Benny's residence, star of stage, screen and radio, so whether you stay home or go out, he's got you either way."

TIP JOKES: A running gag involves Jack giving delivery boys making sarcastic remarks about Jack's cheap tips. ("Oh boy, a nickel! Now I can send my kid to college!")

AND SHUT UP JOKES: There's a running gag in which Jack makes some preposterous claim or other. Others question it and he makes up even more preposterous claims to try to cover the first claim. Finally, when the others have picked the initial claim completely apart, he responds with one final preposterous claim, followed by the words "…and SHUT UP!", which answers everything.

THE ACME PLAZA: Whenever Jack stays in New York, he stays at an inexpensive, lesser-known hotel called The Acme Plaza, a sleazy dive with cold running water, and bathrooms on every floor.

CAPTAIN O'BENNY: Whenever Jack plays the role of a Police Captain in a play, he affects the name "Captain O'Benny" to make his name sound more police-y.

DENNIS HAS TWO SHOWS: From 1946-1951, Dennis also had his own show, "A Day in the Life of Dennis Day", on NBC. There's a major running gag in which Dennis will rub in other people's noses the fact that he has two shows and they don't. ("How many shows has he got?" "One." "HA!!")

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING: Virtually every year Jack does a "Christmas Shopping" episode, which feature a series of vignettes of Jack and his cast doing their Christmas shopping.

JACK VS. MEL: Starting in 1946, virtually every Christmas Shopping episode has featured another installment of a feud between Jack and Mel Blanc. Each incident begins when Jack purchases a gift for Don Wilson from Mel, and then, for one reason or another, keeps exchanging or altering it until Mel breaks down in frustration.

Here's a blow-by-blow recounting of these incidents:

1946: Jack buys shoelaces, but keeps exchanging the Plastic-tipped and metal-tipped type for each other.

1947: Mel remembers last year and goes nuts, but nothing is actually exchanged.

1948: Jack buys a wallet, and keeps changing the message on the card. Finally, he exchanges the wallet itself.

1949: No installment this year.

1950: Mel remembers the shoelace incident, but not the wallet. Jack buys golf tees. When he appears unsure about whether to buy wooden or celluloid tees, Mel breaks down immediately, but as in 1947, nothing is actually exchanged.

1951: Jack buys cuff links, and keeps changing the engraving.

1952: Jack buys a gopher trap, and keeps exchanging the Lethal for the Non-Lethal model, and vice versa.

1953: Jack buys dates, and keeps exchanging the ones with nuts for the ones without nuts, and vice versa.

1954: Jack buys a paint set, and keeps exchanging the oil paints for water colors, and vice versa. Mel escapes early this year, so Jack drives his wife, Bea Benaderet crazy instead.

THE NEW YEAR'S FANTASY: A very unfunny sketch with new variations performed for most New Years shows, in which Jack and his cast play allegorical embodiments of the Old Year, the Baby New Year, the United States, and other concepts, and make vapid comments about current events. I panned this sketch panned pretty heavily in my notes for the 1938-9 season, so no use going into it all again, except to say that it's one of the very few unfunny bits that Jack has done (since "The Chevrolet Show", at least). It comes off looking like a school play, but with professional actors.

THROW ME THAT LINE AGAIN: This is a running joke in which Phil gets a laugh with a bad joke by horribly overselling it. It usually plays out by having Jack accidentally toss a straight line at Phil. Phil initially overlooks it, but then, when the comedic potential dawns on him, he asks Jack to "throw me that line again". Jack repeats it, Phil gives the punchline, and laughs at it much more than it deserves. In this way, even the worst jokes may be upgraded to "cute" status.

THREE CHILDREN: There's a minor running joke in the plays, of a couple having "three children", all with inter-related names, such as San, Luis and Obispo.

PROSEY SONGS: There's a running joke in which characters take turns speaking the lyrics of a popular song, as though it were a normal conversation. "The Tennessee Waltz", "Chattanooga Choo-Choo", and other hits have been re-enacted as normal conversations in this way.

FAUX PROVERBS: As a comeback, Jack sometimes offers faux-Chinese proverbs in retaliation for insults (i.e. "When big fat announcer make joke about boss, he find salary no longer big fat.")

NOTE: In first run, every episode of this season began and closed with a Non-Integrated Lucky Strike commercial. However, since some of the copies floating around on the internet are from re-broadcasts, some episodes may not have those commercials now.

NOTE ON SITUATION COMEDY VERSUS "THE SHOW": Jack's show has become much more existential since the 1930's. Originally "The Jack Benny Show" was "The Jack Benny Show". Now, there is both a Fictional "Jack Benny Show", and a Real one. This divide actually began in the 1930's, but has grown more pronounced since then. The Real Jack Benny Show is exactly what you hear, no more, no less. But there is also a Fictional Jack Benny Show, which is both more and less than what you hear.

Initially, "The Jack Benny Show" (or "The Show") took place entirely in studio, and consisted of actors standing around that studio, chatting with each other in between band numbers, while preparing to do a play. This is what "The Fictional Jack Benny Show" STILL is, but we the listeners rarely get to hear that show any more. "The Real Jack Benny Show" now consists mostly of a situation comedy about what Jack does in between episodes of "The Fictional Jack Benny Show".

When they're in studio, "The Real Show" and "The Fictional Show" are nearly one and the same. Not quite the same, because even in the studio, a sitcom of sorts is sometimes going on. You might see what happens just before the show goes on, or just after it goes off. The distinction between real and fictional shows, forces us to draw a distinction between the real and the fictional Jack Benny.

In "The Fictional Show", Jack is a fairly humorless, untalented guy, who's constantly getting irritated by the antics or putdowns of his cast. When he's humorous, it's usually unintentional. In "The Real Show", Jack is funny deliberately, and only pretends to be annoyed at pre-scripted comments because he plays "annoyance" so well. "The Real Jack" lets himself be the butt of most jokes, "The Fictional Jack" has this status forced upon him.

When Jack leaves the studio, The Real Show and The Fictional Show truly go their separate ways. In the early years, this might take the form of Jack beginning the show in the studio, but leaving early. When Jack left the studio, the Real Show followed him, while the Fictional Show was supposedly continuing in his absence (even though no one actually heard it unless Jack tuned in to it himself). By the 1950's it was more common for the entire show to be an out-of-studio sitcom from beginning to end, and to take place in between episodes of The Fictional Show. If the entire episode is a sitcom, the only remaining glimmer of the Fictional Show might be Don (in the studio) announcing something like "Let's go out to Jack's home in Beverly Hills, as we see what he did this last week", or some such. Presumably at these times, the show is going on, with Don alone in the studio, showing the audience what Jack did last week. Or something like that. You know, this is pretty complicated stuff for a comedy, come to think of it. We'll try to make it easier by differentiating between "The Show:" and "Sitcom:" in the episode descriptions.

The General Format of these notes will consist of a synopsis of the actual episode, followed by a series of random notes (usually beginning with one marked "Don's Intro"), transcribed jokes from the episode, and miscellaneous observations, concluding with a note marked "Verdict", which will attempt to render some kind of (highly debatable) evaluation of the episode as a whole.

And now, the episodes:

1. 09/10/50 BACK FROM LONDON (29:45)

SITCOM: A little boy named Elmer is helping his Uncle Jim (a milkman) make his rounds. Their wagon pulls up to Jack's house. Jack is gone for the summer, and Jim is paying Jack for grazing privileges for his horse. A milk bottle on the porch indicates that Jack has returned from Europe.

Rochester answers the door and tells Elmer about their trip to Europe. Afterwards, Rochester remembers that Jack's season premier is tonight, and goes to see if Jack is awake yet. Jack is up and dressed. He and Rochester talk about their summer in Europe and what it's like coming back to the program after 4 months.

Someone is at the door. Jack does a quasi-monologue and filksong (6:20), as he goes down to answer it. Don is at the door, commenting on how unevenly the lawn has been cut by the milkman's horse. Don asks how Jack went over at the London Palladium. Jack prefaces his comments with disclaimers about how he doesn't brag, and then proceeds to brag. Don himself recently appeared at the Hollywood Bowl, playing "all the king's men" in "The Vagabond King". Rochester offers Don some of Jack's leftover turkey from last Thanksgiving.

Dennis arrives, having heard that Jack flopped at the Palladium. Jack asks to hear the song Dennis is going to sing on the program, so Dennis sings "Good Night, Irene".

Mary arrives, wearing the dress she wore for the opening program 19 years ago (it's back in style now). Mary confirms that Jack's audience at the Palladium stood up and cheered for 10 minutes, but only when the King walked in. Mary also comments about how well Phil went over with the London crowd, which Jack doesn't seem to appreciate.

Jack and his gang go to CBS to do the opening program. Once there, they find two workmen (Mel Blanc and Frank Nelson), who are preparing to do a TV show in their usual Studio B. Both of them barely remember what radio is, but say that some guy named Harris was there earlier, and was sent to Studio F.

Jack stews that his show was moved without notice. In Studio F, they find Phil playing Guy Lombardo's theme song. (Lombardo had hosted the Summer Show in Jack's absence, and left his music behind). [18:30] Unfortunately, Studio F is also setting up for a TV show, and kicks them out. Jack resolves to take this up with his agent on his next visiting day. They search the building, and find a studio that says "Lucky Strike" on the door. However, this studio is also setting up for a TV broadcast. One in which the Sportsmen Quartet are dressed as marching cigarettes for a singing commercial.

Jack gets paint on his hands from a piece of scenery, goes to wash it off, and finds there's even a camera in the bathroom! Mary checks out Studio G, the last remaining studio, and finds comedian Alan Young there, preparing for his own television program (And it isn't Mister Ed!). Young tries to convince Jack to get into television, and Jack admits that he does have a few shows scheduled for later in the year. Don arrives, asking where they can do their radio show, since every studio is being used for television. Jack resolves to see Mr. Megan, the head of CBS's West Coast Programming.

They talk to Mr. Megan, who at least does remember what radio is, but isn't sure where they can do their program from. Mr. Megan neatly solves the problem by calling NBC.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Alan Young, Herb Vigran

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Frank Nelson, Joseph Kearns, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet,

MINOR ROLES: Howard Meighan, Del Sharbutt, Stuffy Singer

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

He:

To pick the mildest cigarette, you don't need slight of hand.

Take Lucky's magic mildness and they'll be your favorite brand.

She:

I wash and scrub and cook and sew until I sing a song.

Because I never work alone, I've Lucky Strike along.

He:

I'm the Policeman in our town, I walk through every street.

And Lucky Strike rates right on top with people on my beat.

She:

Some claim this and some claim that, but when all is said and done,

For full rich taste and mildness too, Lucky Strike's the one.

NOTE ON PREVIOUS: All the succeeding verses you see of this song are going to be equally flat. All of them cry out for punchlines that aren't there. Come to think of it, it's a darn good thing Jack never did a parody of "Lord of the Rings", because they'd have surely converted "The Song of the Ent and the Entwife" into another round of "Be Happy Go Lucky".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1cjPKUwLU4

DON'S INTRO: [None].

JOKE: [2:05]

Elmer: "Gee, Uncle Jim. It sure is nice of you to take me on your milk run."

Milkman: "Yes, I thought you'd get a kick out of it, Elmer."

Elmer: "Yeah. Wait till I get home and tell all the kids in Calabasas. Yippee!"

Milkman: "Shh! Not so loud, Elmer. People are asleep."

Elmer: "Asleep? At 11:30?"

Milkman: "Yeah, this is Beverly Hills. Sleeping until noon is a privilege reserved for the Rich."

Elmer: "Gee, in Calabasas, if you ain't up by 7, you're a bum."

NOTE: Please don't anybody ask what a milkman is. If you don't already know, you'd never believe it.

WAYS JACK MAKES EXTRA MONEY: Jim the mailman pays 50 cents a week to let his horse graze on Jack's lawn.

JOKE: [3:20] (The milkman looks for Jack)

Milkman: "He must be back from Europe. There's a milk bottle on the porch with a note in it. I'd better see what it says."

(reads it)

Milkman: "Ah, the note's from Mr. Benny. 'Dear Milkman, please leave two quarts of milk. I have just returned from London, where I was acclaimed the greatest sensation to appear at the Palladium Theater, and a pint of cream'."

JOKE: [4:00] (The Milkman greets Rochester)

Milkman: "Glad to see you back, Rochester. How was your trip to Europe?"

Rochester: "Oh, wonderful. I was in Rome, Venice, Monte Carlo, London and Paris!"

Milkman: "Well, where did you have the best time?"

Rochester: "Last night on Central Avenue. What a party."

Milkman: "Well, tell me, Rochester. Was this as big as the farewell party they threw you when you went away?"

Rochester: "Same one, it's still going on!"

Milkman: "No!"

Rochester: "Yes, they didn't even miss me."

NOTE: Jack doesn't appear in the show until after the 5 minute mark.

JACK'S FILKS: [6:20] Jack filks a version of a song I don't recognize. His version goes "It's a long, long time from May to December. And the dough runs short when you reach September."

DON'S BELLY LAUGHS/NAMES FOR DON: [7:45]

Don: "A few weeks ago, I appeared at the Hollywood Bowl, in "The Vagabond King", and I was a big hit, too."

Jack: "What part did you play, Don?"

Don: "I was all the king's men!"

(Don laughs inordinately)

Jack: "Don. Don."

(Don keeps laughing)

Jack: "Melancholy Baby!!"

JOKE: [8:10]

Rochester: "Here's your orange juice, Boss."

Jack: "Oh, thanks, Rochester."

Rochester: "And I brought what's left of that turkey."

Jack: "Thanks. Would you like a piece, Don?"

Don: "No thanks, that turkey looks awful."

Rochester: "If you think it looks bad now, you ought to see its passport picture."

Jack, offhandedly: "So what? Who takes a good passport picture??"

NOTE: Jack comments to Dennis that he's starting his 19th year in radio, and wants to start it without aggravation for once. Jack's 19th calendar year in radio begin in January 1950, and continues this season. However, this episode actually marks the beginning of Jack's 21st season in radio, rather than his 19th, owing to his having done two seasons in both 1933 and 1934.

DENNIS'S ROUTINE:

Jack: "Dennis, that was swell. You certainly picked a good song for the first show."

Don: "Yes Dennis, and your voice is better than ever."

Jack: "It certainly is, kid. It has a richer quality."

Dennis: "Oh, that's because of my tonsils."

Jack: "Your tonsils? You had those taken out a year ago."

Dennis: "I put 'em back in again."

Jack: "Now, cut that out!!"

RETCON: Mary comments she's wearing the dress she wore for opening night, 19 years ago. This episode has often been the subject of retroactive continuity, implying that Mary, Don and even other characters were there for that opening night on May 2, 1932. In reality, Jack is the only remaining character from that program, which included characters like Ethel Shutta, George Olsen and others that were long gone before Jack hit it big. Mary joined the program a few months later, Don in 1934, and all the other current regulars joined after that.

NOTE: "The King" whose arrival caused Jack's audience to stand up and cheer would have been George VI.

JOKE: Jealous as usual, Jack doesn't say a single word about Phil's reception in London until Mary mentions how well he went over. According to Mary, Jack told Londoners that Phil was Jack the Ripper. Jack insists that this was a joke, but Mary claims that the Londoners nearly hanged him. Jack insists that that didn't happen until Phil sang "That's What I Like About the South".

JACK'S AGENT: [17:10] (Jack has no idea where his program will broadcast from)

Jack: "They have a lot of nerve changing my studio! The least CBS could have done was to discuss this change with me."

Mary: "But Jack, you were in Europe all summer."

Jack: "Well, they could have talked to my writers."

Mary: "They were in Honolulu."

Jack: "Well, then they could have talked to my agent."

Mary: "He was in Alcatraz."

Jack: "Oh yes, what a coincidence. We all took boat trips this summer."

NOTE: Named members of Phil's band include Charlie Bagby (Piano), Frankie Remley (Guitar), Kimitch (Unknown), Sammy Weiss (bald drummer), Larry Kurkdije (Violin) and Fletcher (Trombone). Remley was a real person, and presumably the others were too. At times most of them have appeared on the show (though not necessarily played by themselves). But mostly they exist in order to be talked about.

HARRISISMS (MALAPROPISMS): [18:50]

Mary: "Say Phil, have you got the same musicians this year?"

Phil: "Yeah, Bagby, Remley, Kimich, Sammy, same old gang."

Jack: "Where's Fletcher, the trombone player?"

Phil: "Oh, Fletcher? He's going to be a little late. His wife's going to have her tenth baby, so they put her in the clink."

Jack: "Put her in the clink??"

Mary: "Phil, why would they do that?"

Phil: "I don't know, but it says so right on the door: C-L-I-N-I-C."

Jack: "That's clinic!! (disgustedly) 'Clink'."

Phil: "What's the difference, she can't get out!"

JOKE: [20:00] (Phil talks about how he went over in London)

Phil: "Hey Donsie, you would have been so proud of me. To quote the words of one of England's foremost critics, he wrote 'When Phil Harris walked out to the center of the stage, the vociferous ovation was not only tumultuous but it finally reached a crescendo bordering on pandemonium."

Jack: "THAT he could read, but 'clinic' is 'clink'!"

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: The Sportsmen sing a Lucky Strike marching song for a TV commercial.

BATHROOM HUMOR: At around 23:40, Jack gets paint on his hands, goes to wash it off, and declares "Oh no, a camera in HERE!", then rationalizes that they must be storing it here. This is a bona fide bathroom joke. It's not that funny, but it gets the biggest laugh of the night precisely because it is a bathroom joke. Milt Josefsberg's book on Jack Benny comments on how difficult it was to get any kind of bathroom references into an episode. He describes an incident in which the censors were upset over a scene in which Don came to talk to Jack while he was taking a bath, and Jack told him to "sit down". Their objection was that the only place to sit would be on the toilet, and even implying the existence of such a thing was taboo. And yet THIS joke about cameras in the bathroom actually made the cut. Go figure.

JOKE: [25:00] (Jack and Alan Young discuss television)

Alan Young: "I think you ought to get into it too."

Jack: "Well, I am scheduled to do a few shows this year, but, Alan, don't you think television is pretty tough on radio actors?"

Alan: "Well, television is hard work, Jack, and there's no question it isn't going to be easy on the older radio stars."

Jack: "Uh huh."

Alan: "But that shouldn't worry a man like you. You're in your late 30's, aren't you?"

Mary: "Later than you think."

Jack: "Yes, you see, next year I'll be 40 again. I mean 40!"

JOKE: [26:00]

Jack: "Oh, by the way, Alan. One more thing I'd like to ask you. I don't want to get personal, but how did you get into television?"

Alan: "Well, I went in to wash my hands, and there I was."

RUNNING JOKE: This episode features a running joke about Jack having gone to Europe and back on the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. There aren't really any jokes worth transcribing from this sequence. All the laughs come from the fact that Jack hears about it from so many different sources.

RUNNING JOKE: Another running joke involves everyone commenting on how unevenly cut Jack's lawn is (which, of course happened because his lawn has been cut by Jim the Milkman's horse). Again, no examples worth transcribing. All the laughs are in the repetition.

RUNNING JOKE: The third running joke in this episode are a string of references about Jack's agent being in jail. Unlike the other two, this running joke will be re-used throughout the season.

JOKE: [26:30] (All the studios in the building have been converted to television)

Jack: "Trouble every year. If it isn't my cast, it's my writers. If it isn't my writers, it's my agent. If it isn't my agent, it's his parole board."

NOTE: It's odd that it's strictly forbidden to mention competitors products, but perfectly okay for a CBS show to joke about sending Jack over to NBC to do his program.

NOTE: Alan Young is best known for playing Haggis McMutton in "The Curse of Monkey Island". That's if you're me, that is. For most people, he's best known for the role of Wilbur Post in "Mister Ed". Young is still active, and has been voicing Scrooge McDuck in recent years, most recently in the 2010 video game "Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep."

NOTE: No kidding, if you don't think Young had a great role in Monkey Island, watch this clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AawQvD8L_h4

VERDICT: A bad sign for the future, when the first episode of the 1950 season centers on how radio is being replaced by television.

2. 09/17/50 IN VENICE (29:14)

SITCOM: Jack and Rochester are going over the bills accrued while Jack was in Europe over the summer. Rochester gets a call from Polly, and tells her that they're back from Europe. Polly is lost and doesn't remember the address of Jack's house. Dennis arrives and does his routine. A man from the phone company (Frank Nelson) arrives to open the coin box on Jack's home phone. Jack sends Frank to go count the money while Dennis rehearses the song he's going to do on the program. Dennis sings "Mona Lisa", and sings himself to sleep in the process.

Mary arrives and discusses the reviews of opening night. Mary reads a letter from Momma. Phil calls. They discuss Phil's absence from rehearsal, and whether or not Jack has been drinking. Mary tries to play Jack's piano, and finds it so badly out of tune that two notes just go "Thwp, Thwp". Don arrives. He and Mary talk about the Europe trip. Mary alludes to an incident in Venice that Jack refuses to discuss, but Mary is only too happy to.

FLASHBACK: We transish to a Sitcom Scene WITHIN a Sitcom scene, as Mary tells the story of what happened to her and Jack in Venice. Jack and Mary checked into a hotel in Venice. They take a sight-seeing tour on a gondola. The gondolier (Mel Blanc) gives all the commentary in Italian, leaving Jack asking "What did he say? What did he say?" after every comment. Jack finds a bi-lingual tourist who informs him that all this time Mel has been trying to say that Jack is standing on his foot. Jack falls overboard, and learns how to say "You're dripping on my leg" in Italian.

They row to the main plaza, and encounter four singing gondoliers, who happen to be the Sportsmen Quartet singing about Lucky Strikes.

After encountering a string of Italian Burma Shave signs, they encounter Mel Blanc again, this time as a mad traffic department official, who went crazy trying to paint white lines down the streets of Venice.

Jack falls into the canal, not for the first time, and Mary warns Mel about the hazards of trying to pull Jack back into the boat by his hair. Jack tells Mary an awful joke about Phil trying to "drink a Venetian blind", and Mary pushes him back in.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS:

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Frank Nelson, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Elliott Lewis, Del Sharbutt

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

She:

I choose my cigarette with care, yes I demand perfection.

And Luckies are so round and firm, they're tops in my affection.

He:

I write a column full of news and I've a scoop for you.

A Lucky is a happy smoke, so mild and so rich too.

She:

Some may like this and some like that, but nothing is quite like,

the milder, richer cigarette who's name is Lucky Strike.

He:

When asked to vote, the people wrote in letters big and bold,

it's LSMFT for me, on Luckies we are sold.

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, it is morning, and as we look into Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills, he and Rochester are going over the bills that have accumulated during his absence in Europe."

JOKE: [2:00] (Jack goes over the bills)

Rochester: "Here's a bill from the gas company. $8.50."

Jack: "$8.50"

Rochester: "Electric bill, $9.75."

Jack: "$9.75."

Rochester: "Uh, here's a bill from the telephone company. $6.40."

Jack: "Wait a minute, why do we have to pay the telephone company?"

Rochester: "They couldn't get in to open the coin box."

Jack: "Oh. I wonder how much my share will be this month. Let's see, I paid my cast and writers for the first show. Oh yes, I have to mail a check for commission to my agent.

Rochester: "I've been meaning to ask you about that, boss. How does your agent get to the bank?"

Jack: "He doesn't, the warden deposits it for him."

Rochester: "Oh. Say boss, isn't your agent in for 20 years?

Jack: "Yes, but he gets 10% off for good behavior."

NOTE: At about 3:30, Jack sings a few bars of "Be Happy, Go Lucky". This is the first evidence that characters in the program are aware of this song.

TRIVIA: Jack's car is insured for $93.50

JOKE: [4:30] (Jack goes through the bills)

Jack: "Is that all?"

Rochester: "No, there's still one more bill. It's from the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas. It's for $30.20."

Jack: "That's right, I was up there for three days. Let's see, my room was $10 a day. That's $30. Pay it, Rochester."

Rochester: "What's the 20 cents for?"

Jack: "I gambled a little."

(laughter)

Jack: "I was up all night trying to break even."

CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack's onscreen home address is 360 North Camden Drive (sometimes 366 North Camden). This address is mentioned several times over the years. On Burns & Allen, George's address was, at least once, mentioned as 366 North Camden, but there is no indication on either show that George and Jack are neighbors. In real life, Jack lived on Roxbury Drive, next to Lucille Ball. Jack's Roxbury address was mentioned on the air at least once in the late 1930's, before the fictional address was substituted.

DENNIS'S ROUTINE: [5:30] A running joke about Dennis wanting to stand on his head because his feet are tired, and how this made it more difficult to get to Jack's house.

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: Jack has a pay phone in his house, and splits the proceeds with the phone company.

JOKE: [7:30] (The telephone man empties Jack's pay phone)

Frank Nelson: "I'll dump them out right here on the table."

Jack: "Gee, look at all those nickels."

Frank: "Here I go to divide the dough, and when I'm through, I'll scrammy. One for me and one for you and five for Uncle Sammy."

Jack: "Yes, mustn't forget him. My agent did, and look where he is."

JOKE: [10:45]

Mary: "By the way, Jack, I haven't seen you since last Sunday. Did you read all the reviews on your opening program?"

Jack: "Yes, most of them. I thought they were nice."

Mary: "The reporter in "Variety" thought you were better than ever."

Jack: "I know, I know."

Mary: "Louella Parsons said you got loads of laughs."

Jack: "Yes, yes."

Mary: "Hedda Hopper said you were dynamite."

Jack: "Yes, yes I know."

Mary: "Erskin Johnson said you weren't the least bit funny."

Jack: "Him I'm suing. What other write ups were there?

Dennis: "Did you read the review in the Herald Express?"

Jack: "No."

Mary: "You could take that one to the Supreme Court."

JOKE: [12:50] (Mary reads the letter from Momma)

Mary: "My darling daughter, Mary. Just a note to tell you we heard Jack's opening program, and thought it was very good."

Jack: "Well!"

Mary: "It's about time."

Jack: "Hmm."

BABE: [12:50] (Mary reads the letter from Momma)

Mary: "Here's some good news about your sister, Babe."

Jack: "About Babe? Oh goody, goody."

Mary: "Babe is very upset because she wasn't selected to go to the Atlantic City Bathing Beauty Contest as Miss Plainfield. And I don't blame her. Even though I'm her mother, I must admit that Babe has the prettiest pair of knees in New Jersey. It's a shame they're in the back."

NAMES FOR MOMMA: Mary's mother signs her letter "Valley High Livingstone".

THE OLD DAYS: [14:30] (Phil heard that Jack had a "drink")

Phil: "Hiya, Jackson. Been nippin a bit, huh?"

Jack: "Yes Phil, I had a glass of WATER. Nice, plain, cool water."

Phil: "Water?"

Jack: "Yes, water. What's in your swimming pool?"

Phil: "Remley, we're playing Sunset Boulevard."

NOTE: The preceding is a variant on the "Hair! Hair!" joke that Frank Parker did (far too often) in the early 1930's.

JOKE: [15:00]

Jack: "What did you call for?"

Phil: "Oh, I want to find out about rehearsal."

Jack: "Oh, you do, eh? You want to find out about rehearsal. Well Mr. Harris, for your information, rehearsal was at my house last night."

Phil: "Was I there?"

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: Jack and Mary encounter the Sportsmen in Venice, singing a Lucky Strike version of "Feniculi, Fenicula".

JOKE: [23:30] (In the Gondola)

Mary: "Oh Jack, look at those signs along the side of the canal."

Jack: "Signs?"

Mary: "Yeah. I'll see if I can read them as we pass. (reads four signs in Italian, then the fifth in English) Burma Shave."

Jack: "Mary, where does it say Burma Shave?"

Mary: "On that last sign. Burmada Radera. That's Burma Shave."

Jack: "Burmada Radera means Burma Shave?? Holy Smoke, I'd better learn what these Italian words mean!"

Mary: "Why?"

Jack: "I had that on my strawberries this morning!"

JOKE: [24:30] (In a Venetian gondola)

(sound of maniacal laughter)

Jack: "What's that?

Man: "It's that man sitting over there in that little boat. He used to work for the Traffic Department."

(sound of maniacal laughter)

Jack: "What's the matter with him?"

Man: "He went crazy trying to painting a white line down the middle of the canal."

Jack: "Oh, well that is a problem. Why didn't he try water colors?"

VERDICT: An okay episode. The first sketch in Jack's home is not too different from a "Show" scene. The only difference is that it takes place in Jack's home rather than the studio, which makes it easier for Rochester to be there. The Venice sketch is cute. Jack falling in the water repeatedly is okay, as long as we don't make too much of a habit of it. This is Jack Benny, not Maxwell Smart, after all. A good solid episode, but not especially memorable. Well, except for that water colors joke, that is.

3. 09/24/50 THE GOLD RUSH OF '49 (28:51)

THE SHOW?: For the first time this season, we open with the actual "Show", rather than a sitcom scene. Well, almost. A moment after the introduction, Jack interrupts things, revealing that this is not the actual show, it's the last rehearsal before the show starts, which makes it a sitcom (sort of).

Jack has interrupted the opening because he thinks the music is too loud. Phil takes umbrage at this, leading to yet another argument about Phil's Musical Merits. Mary tries to defend Phil by blaming it on his orchestra, but this doesn't go over very well. Don says that the audience is beginning to file into the studio, so there's no time for to attempt another rehearsal. Jack checks out the crowd through the curtain and sees The Rube and his wife in the front row. The curtain goes up…

THE SHOW: The Show begins for real this time. Jack starts to tell jokes, but is interrupted by the Rube thanking him for the free tickets. Jack announces that they're doing a play about the most important time in California history, and chides Don, a college man, for not knowing what it is (I guess they should have had that last rehearsal after all!) The event in question is the California Centennial, which Don claims ignorance of because he comes from Colorado.

Dennis comes in and gives a long, dazzling, and factually accurate recitation of California history. Dennis gets distracted by the Rube too, and starts imitating his accent until Jack makes him sing (Dennis, that is, not the Rube). Dennis sings "All My Love", then continues spouting California history.

Jack starts to introduce the play, but Rochester calls to say that the salesman from Sears stopped by to deliver Jack's new suit. Unfortunately, the salesman is wearing the suit because, with what Jack paid, they couldn't afford to put it in a box. A letter from Jack's agent in Alcatraz also arrived. Don introduces the play.

THE PLAY: An unnamed play about the California Gold Rush of 1849. Jack and Phil are in a bar. The bartender asks Jack to go eat outside on his horse, since this is a drive-in. Tubby Wilson, the toughest hombre in these here parts enters, with a new song for the piano player; a Stephen Foster number called "Genie With the Light Brown Tobacco". Tubby kills his tough guy reputation when he describes the "Poodly-poot-poot! Poot-poot-poot!" part of the song.

A lady named Sue comes in and starts doing the Si/Cy routine with Jack until Cy himself takes over for her. In the midst of all this, the news comes in that gold has been discovered in California, so Jack and Phil set out to discover some for themselves. As they leave, the Sportsmen sing their song, this time a Lucky Strike version of "Oh, Susanna".

Jack and Phil get to Sutter's Mill, and after much digging, finally discover gold. After a few arguments about the grammatically correct way to announce their discovery, Jack and Phil are attacked by Indians, which leads to a discussion about how to grammatically announce that one of them has been hit.

The Indian Chief turns out to be Dennis, who starts to go into the Si/Cy Routine again. Dennis demands Jack's gold or his scalp, and ends up taking Jack's toupee back to his teepee. Jack and Phil hide their gold in a snow bank. Phil comments how much he loves water when they re-fill their canteens. Jack asks Phil what he just said, and Phil shoots him rather than repeat it.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS:

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet, Sam Hearn

MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY

He:

Stop fiddling, folks, when buying smokes, join in the swing to pleasure.

These Luckies are a richer blind with mildness for good measure.

She:

Take away my diamond clips, the pearls that I adore.

For Luckies are a girl's best friend, they're right in every store.

He:

I parlez vous, I speak nine tongues, a linguist great am I,

No matter how you say it brother, Lucky Strike's the buy.

She:

I am the leader of the band, I know what tunes you like,

And favorite on your hit parade is milder Lucky Strike.

DON'S INTRO: "And now ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who is loved, admired and respected by millions, and here he is, Jack Benny!"

JOKE: [2:00] (Jack badmouths the orchestra again)

Jack: "I can tell you now, Phil, you'll never get anywhere with that kind of blat."

Phil: "Look, Jackson, now listen to me. I've got a Cadillac, a yacht, and a mansion in Encino. Show me one 'Clare de Lune' man who can top that."

JOKE: [4:00] (The Rube arrives to watch the show)

Rube: "C'mon Ellie, let's sit down here in the front row."

Mrs. Rube: "Okay, Clem. I'm glad we got here on time."

Rube: "Yep. Good thing we turned the rooster back an hour last night."

NOTE: The Rube's wife refers to him as "Clem". This is one of the few times the Rube is given any kind of name at all.

FLUB: [5:45] (Jack deals with hecklers from the audience)

Jack: "Thank you, thank you thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking…"

Rube: "Hi, Rube!"

Jack: "What?"

Rube: "Thanks for the tickets!"

Jack: "You're welcome, you're welcome. This is Jack Benny talking, and Don, your introduction was just…"

Rube: "Heard your show last week and laughed so hard I fell off my milking stool."

Jack: "Now, look…"

Rube: "Now, if it hadn't been… if I hadn't had a good grip on that towel, I'd have broke my nose."

Jack: "If you hadn't muffed that line, you'd have got a bigger laugh, too!"

JOKE: [6:40]

Jack: "Don, do you realize what California is celebrating?"

Don: "No."

Jack: "Don, do you mean to tell me that you, a college man, a radio announcer don't know California history? That's disgusting."

Don: "Now, just a minute. Why should I know about California history? I was born in Colorado."

Jack: "Well, some of you must have flabbed over into California!"

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [7:00]

Jack: "In fact, all this year, we're celebrating the California Centennial."

Phil: "Centennial? What's that?"

Jack: "What's that? Phil, a hundred years ago, California joined the Union."

Phil: "The whole state?"

Jack: "Why, certainly."

Phil: "That Petrillo really is on his toes, ain't he?"

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [9:00] After Dennis gives his long spiel on the History of California, Jack asks where he gets his information. Dennis says he dials 113.

JACK'S AGENT: [14:45]

Rochester: "Say, Boss."

Jack: "Now what?"

Rochester: "You got a letter from Alcatraz."

Jack: "Oh. Oh, from my agent. What does he say? Open it up."

Rochester: "It's already been opened."

Jack: "Oh, yes. Yes. Well, what does he say?"

Rochester: "I'll read it to you. Dear Jack, next Friday is my birthday. And if you want to send me a monogrammed shirt, my initials are '93'."

Jack: "Ah, good old '9'."

JOKE: [16:20] (At the El Sleazo Bar)

Phil: "Wait a minute, Slim. I want another drink."

Jack: "Now, hold on a minute, Tex. I know it ain't none of my business, but you've been drinking a little too much."

Phil: "Well, it tain't my fault, Slim. I only drink to forget."

Jack: "What are you trying to forget?"

Phil: "All the years I went around sober."

JOKE: [16:45] (At the El Sleazo Bar)

Phil: "Oh, Bartender! Bartender!

Mel: "What will you have, Senor?"

Phil: "I'll have a double tequila."

Mel: "And what for you, Senor?"

Jack: "Well, I'm kinda hungry. I'll have a sandwich."

Mel: "Okay, but you will have to go outside and eat it on your horse. This is a drive-in."

JOKE: [20:00] (A new end to the Si/Cy Routine)

Jack: "Well look, Cy, I want to go out with your sister, see?"

Mel: "She's Sue."

Jack: "I know she's Sue, Cy, I heard Sue say so."

Mel: "What did you say, Senor?"

(gunshot)

Jack (Voiceover): "I killed Cy. It was easier than reading that line again."

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: In the bar scene, the Sportsmen sing a Lucky version of "Oh, Susanna."

JOKE: [23:50]

Jack: "If we hit gold, we'll be… Tex! We hit it! A vein of gold! We done it! We done it!!"

Phil: "That's 'did it'."

NOTE: Jack closes with a commercial for the Crusade of Freedom.

VERDICT: A mixed episode. The bit at the beginning with the false start of the program, and the blending of Sitcom and Show scenes was executed very well. On the other hand, the Play is a bit flat. It largely goes through the motions, and relies too heavily on the Si/Cy Routine.

4. 10/01/50 THE MAXWELL IS STOLEN (29:27)

SITCOM 1: Jack, Phil and Dennis are in a drugstore after rehearsal the day before the show. Various subjects come up, including Jack's age, and his renting of rooms. Dennis weighs himself, and comes in at 350, but only because he and Don were on the scale together. Dennis orders a Cucumber Split, explaining that it's not that bad so long as you peel the Cucumbers first. Phil relates Remley's thanks for the raise Jack gave him (Jack had promised him a raise when his music improved, which he got when he broke his arm and couldn't play).

Mr. Kitzle walks in, and it turns out he likes Cucumber Splits too. The check arrives, and everyone fights to pay it, except Jack. Dennis goes to the jukebox, since one of his songs is on it. Dennis (in the jukebox) sings "There Will Never Be Another You." Everyone else goes to rehearsal.

SITCOM 2: After Dennis' song, everyone is at rehearsal except Mary. Jack says she seemed fine when he was over there to collect her rent, so he calls her, and ends up talking to Mabel and Gertrude.

Mabel and Gertrude discuss whether or not there's a romance between Jack and Miss Livingstone, and how continental Jack has gotten since returning from Europe. Mary's line doesn't answer, so Jack says he'll try again later.

Rochester calls the studio to say that Jack's car has been stolen! Jack is upset, having put in 5 gallons of gas only the day before (which probably doubled the value of the car). Jack tells Rochester to meet him at the Police Station, and then leaves rehearsal. When he does, the Sportsmen add a new verse to "Be Happy Go Lucky" to commemorate the theft.

SITCOM 3: Jack arrives at the Beverly Hills Police Station. The desk clerk doesn't want to accept him without an appointment, but deigns to. Jack speaks with Sgt. Vandemere (Gale Gordon) and has difficulty explaining why anyone in Beverly Hills would even own a Maxwell much less steal one.

Rochester arrives and becomes the prime suspect, when Vandemere learns that he's the butler. Jack clears Rochester, and describes the car. Vandemere can't understand why anyone would want it back, but takes Jack to the PA room to choose an announcer to announce the APB on the car.

Before he can do so, Officer Mel calls to announce that they found the car at Jack's house when the crooks brought it back.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone

NOTABLE GUEST STARS:

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Bea Benaderet, Joseph Kearns, Artie Auerbach, Sara Berner, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet, Blanche Stewart

MINOR ROLES: Elliott Lewis, Del Sharbutt, Marty Spurzel

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

She:

Now Venus is a gorgeous girl, but life for her is rough.

A statue simply cannot smoke a Lucky puff by puff.

He:

I drive a cab in my home town, I know what people like.

That milder, richer cigarette whose name is Lucky Strike.

He:

In science and biology, in match and chemistry,

There never was a formula like LSMFT.

She:

Yes, Luckies get our loudest cheers on campus and on dates.

With college gals and college guys, a Lucky really rates.

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, yesterday we had rehearsal. About noon, Jack, Phil, Dennis and I walked next door to the corner drugstore for some lunch."

JOKE: [2:00]

Phil: "Hey Merv, you got a table for us?"

Mel: "No, but there'll be one empty in a minute. Would you mind waiting?"

Phil: "No, but bring a chair for the old man, he walked all the way across the street!"

Jack: "Stop being funny. For your information, Phil, every morning right after breakfast, I walk five miles all over Beverly Hills."

Don: "Why do you do that, Jack?"

Dennis: "He's collecting rent."

Jack: "That's only on the first of the month!"

JOKE: [2:30]

Druggist: "Well, what can I do for you, Mr. Harris?"

Phil: "Look, I want a large tube of toothpaste, some aspirin, a bottle of mouthwash and a box of bobby pins."

Druggist: "Yes, sir. What color is your wife's hair?"

Phil: "Blonde, but she buys her own."

HARRISISM (MALAPROPISM): [3:15]

Druggist: "Now, what kind of cough drops do you want?"

Phil: "Oh, I don't care. Just give me a box of those that are made right here in LA."

Druggist: "LA?"

Phil: "Yeah, it says so right on the box: Los Angeles."

Druggist: "That's LOZENGES!"

JOKE: [3:20]

Dennis: "Just a second, Mr. Benny, I'm weighing myself."

Jack: "How much do you weigh, Dennis?

Dennis: "370 pounds."

Jack: "370 pounds??"

Dennis: "I invited Don to be my guest."

JOKE: [4:00]

Phil: "I'll have a chicken sandwich on rye bread."

Mel: "Yes, sir. And you, Mr. Wilson?"

Don: "Oh, I'll have a small glass of tomato juice, and a slice of whole wheat toast."

Jack: "Don! Don, is that all you're eating?"

Don: "Yes Jack, I'm on a diet, and that's all I've had for three full days."

Jack: "Dennis, where are you going??"

Dennis: "When he's that hungry, I don't want to be close to him!!"

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: A running joke in this episode involves Jack getting his walking exercise by going around to collect rent from everyone who rents rooms from him.

TOPICAL HUMOR: [5:50]

Jack: "Gee, I don't know what to eat. I just haven't any appetite. Gee, I haven't felt like eating all day."

Phil: "Don't take it personally, Jackson, they raised everybody's taxes today."

JOKE: [6:00]

Mel: "What'll you gentlemen have to drink?"

Jack: "Coffee for me."

Dennis: "I'll take a Coca Cola."

Phil: "Bring me three fingers of milk."

Jack: "Phil? Phil, three fingers of milk?"

Phil: "I'm on the wagon but I don't want to forget how to order!"

JOKE: [8:20]

Kitzle: "I got to pick up my boy and take him to his scout meeting?"

Jack: "Oh, is your son a Boy Scout?"

Kitzle: "Is he a Boy Scout?? You know, only two weeks ago, he joined, and when I asked him what did you loin, he rubbed together two sticks and boined down the whole house."

Jack: "Burned down the house?"

Kitzle: "Uh huh. When the firemen came, he helped them across the street."

Jack: "No!"

Kitzle: Uh huh. And weeth hees leetle knife, he carved 'Be Prepared' on the fire hose."

NOTE: A good example of Kitzle humor. It sounds like it's supposed to be funny, but it's just not all that funny. At least not without the accent.

JOKE: [9:20] (At the Diner)

Mel: "Here's your check, gentlemen."

Dennis: "Oh, I'll take it, fellas, I think it's my turn."

Phil: "No, no, Dennis, it's my turn."

Don: "No, no, no, no, Phil, it's my turn."

Jack: "No, no, Don, it's Phil's turn. I keep track of these things."

NAMES FOR JACK: [12:50]

Gertrude: "Oh, Mabel?

Mabel: "What is it, Gertrude?"

Gertrude: "Mr. Benny's line is flashing."

Mabel: "Yeah, I wonder what 'Born To be Bad' wants now?"

JOKE: [13:20]

Mabel: "Hey Gertrude. Do you think there's a romance between Mr. Benny and Miss Livingstone?"

Gertrude: "Could be. On the first program, I saw Mary wearing an orchid he gave her."

Mabel: "Well, what makes you so sure that Mr. Benny gave it to her?"

Gertrude: "It's the same one he let me wear on New Year's."

JOKE: [13:45]

Mabel: "Come to think of it, Gertrude, there could be something between Jack and Mary, because Thursday night when I was at the Mocambo, I saw them there together."

Gertrude: "Gee, you were at the Mocambo?

Mabel: "Yeah.

Gertrude: "Who took you?

Mabel: "Nobody, I went stag."

Gertrude: "Well, you're not ahead of me because I went to the Mocambo once too, and with Jack. Jack Benny.

Mabel: "Then you didn't go stag?"

Gertrude: "No, I went Dutch."

JOKE: [14:20]

Gertrude: "Say, you know, Mabel, you should see the change that's come over him since he came back from Europe. He's so continental. Now, when he sees you, he bends from the waist and kisses your hand."

Mabel: "My, how romantic."

Gertrude: "Yeah. But you've got to straighten him up fast or he stays that way."

JOKE: [16:20]

Jack: "Was my car really stolen?"

Rochester: "Yes Boss, it's gone."

Jack: "Oh, this is terrible. Just yesterday I put in 5 gallons of gas! Ethel, yet. Oh, my goodness."

Rochester: "What are you going to do, Boss?"

Jack: "Don't worry, Rochester, I'll get my car back. The Beverly Hills Police are on their toes."

Rochester: "They could be on their knees and catch that car!"

JOKE: [16:50]

Jack: "What do you think happened, fellows?"

Don: "What?"

Jack: "My car was stolen!"

Dennis: "Gee, and only yesterday, you drove me home and made me put in 5 gallons of gas."

Jack: "Dennis!"

Dennis: "Ethel, yet."

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: [17:00] The Sportsmen sing a new version of "Be Happy Go Lucky" with verses about the theft of Jack's car.

Sportsmen:

Someone stole Jack Benny's car and drove it right away.

It makes us feel so very sad, we just can't help but say...

Chorus

Mel:

People call me Mad Man Muntz, with them I can't agree.

The guy who stole Jack Benny's car is crazier than me.

Chorus

Dennis:

My name is Ronald Colman, and I live next door to Jack.

I hope the man who stole that can will never bring it back.

Chorus

Hopalong Cassidy Imitator:

My name is Mr. Cassidy, to you I'm known as Hoppy.

My horse can't understand who'd steal that broken down jalopy.

Chorus

Mel:

My name is Woody Woodpecker, I laugh the whole day through,

And since they stole Jack Benny's car, I've got a reason to.

Chorus

NOTE: Mel Blanc played Woody Woodpecker when the role was first created in 1940, until 1941. By 1950, the role was played by Grace Stafford, who played it until 1972.

JOKE: [18:50]

Jack: "Well, here it is. Beverly Hills Police Station. What a classy place. Look at that sign over the door. 'Through these portals pass the toughest policemen in the world. Uniforms by Adrian.'"

JOKE: [18:30]

Jack: "Oh, Miss?

Receptionist: "Yes."

Jack: "I'd like to report a stolen car."

Receptionist: "Do you have an appointment?"

JOKE: [19:15]

Jack: "Sergeant Vandemere?"

Sergeant: "Yes."

Jack: "I'd like to report that my car has been stolen."

Sergeant: "Do you live in Beverly Hills?"

Jack: "Yes. Yes, I do."

Sergeant: "What kind of a Cadillac was it?"

Jack: "Well, it isn't a Cadillac."

Sergeant: "A Lincoln?"

Jack: "Well…"

Sergeant: "Come, come, Mister, what kind of car is it?"

Jack: "It's a… a Maxwell."

Sergeant: "From what country?"

Jack: "No. No, you see it was made in this country. That is… well, they don't make them any more, although the factory is still in existence. They make pencil sharpeners. They had some cranks left over so it was easy to convert."

JOKE: [21:00]

Jack: "Oh Sergeant, this is my butler, Rochester Van Jones. He discovered the theft."

Sergeant: "Oh! The BUTLER, eh? Sit down, Mr. van Jones."

Rochester: "Huh?"

Sergeant: "Now, recount in your own words, the events of the entire day."

Rochester: "Well…"

Jack: "Don't be nervous, Rochester, I'll stand behind you."

Rochester: "Well, Mr. Benny left the house at 10 o'clock. He called me out of my room and said 'Rochester, I'll be gone all day, so I want you to clean the kitchen, beat the rugs, wash the windows, polish the stove, wax the floors and press my clothes'."

Jack: "That's right, that's right. I remember telling him to do all those things, and I left at 10 o'clock."

Sergeant: "Now Rochester, where were you at 10:15?"

Rochester: "Back in my room, asleep."

Jack: "Asleep?? Rochester!"

Sergeant: Be quiet. Quiet, Mr. Benny. Now Rochester, when did you discover that the car was stolen?"

Rochester: "I heard the motor as it went out the driveway."

Sergeant: "Ooooooh, I see! You were SLEEPING, but you just HAPPENED to wake up in time to hear the motor."

Rochester: "I didn't just happen to wake up, it threw me out of bed!"

TRIVIA: The license number of Jack's Maxwell is PU-8054.

JOKE: [22:00]

Sergeant: "Your car was stolen. I have it here on the report. Make: Maxwell."

Jack: "That's right."

Sergeant: "Will you give me a description, please?"

Jack: "Well, it has a black body with blue fenders. That is, two of them are blue and one is green, you see?"

Sergeant: "What about the fourth one?"

Jack: "Well, the color of that one changes. It's made out of lizard skin."

Sergeant: "Any other identification?"

Jack: "Well, there's a fox tail hanging rather casually over the… you know, from the radiator cap. Now, let me see what else. Oh yes, the top goes up and down, see?

Sergeant: "Oh, a convertible."

Rochester: "No, the top just goes up and down."

Jack: "That's right, and see we have no windshield to fasten it to, and it's uncomfortable wearing that chin strap."

JOKE: [23:00]

Sergeant: "Don't worry, Mr. Benny. We'll not only locate your car, but we'll apprehend the criminal. You see, we'll take fingerprints off the steering wheel."

Jack: "Well, maybe you'd better get the fingerprints off the door handle."

Sergeant: "Why?

Rochester: "We haven't got a steering wheel."

Sergeant: "That's ridiculous. What do you do when you get to a corner? How do you make a turn."

Rochester: "We jump out and kick the front wheel."

JOKE: [25:45]

Dennis: "Oh Mr. Benny, Mr. Benny!"

Jack: "Dennis, what are you doing here??"

Dennis: "I had to see you, Mr. Benny! Are you sure somebody stole your car?"

Jack: "Of course I'm sure, why?"

Dennis: "Well, when I left the studio, I went home."

Jack: "Uh huh."

Dennis: "And when I went in the house, I said 'Hello mother, somebody stole Mr. Benny's car.' And then it happened."

Jack: "What happened?"

Dennis: "She filled me full of black coffee, put an ice bag on my head and signed me up for Alcoholics Anonymous.

Jack: "What?"

Dennis: "I go to my first meeting next Tuesday."

Jack: "What?"

Dennis: "I could go on Thursdays, but I'd rather go with Phil."

TRIVIA: Jack's address, 360 North Camden Drive is mentioned. In various episodes, the address fluctuates between 360 and 366.

TRIVIA: Rochester mentions that this is the third time the car has been stolen and returned.

MAXWELL SOUND: [28:50] Mel does the Maxwell Engine Sound.

VERDICT: A strong episode. Those Diner scenes are always good, as is Gale Gordon.

5. 10/08/50 JACK LISTENS TO THE WORLD SERIES (29:19)

SITCOM: Rochester is helping prepare Jack's bath before the gang arrives to watch the World Series. Jack has read a book by Bernarr Macfadden, saying it helps the circulation to jump straight from a warm bed to a cold shower. Rochester thinks that only applies to younger man like MacFadden, but Jack insists Macfadden is older than he. Jack jumps into the cold shower, and does a pretty good impersonation of a hoot owl, even after taking the precaution of bringing an umbrella with him.

Rochester goes to the kitchen to make breakfast, and sings a little of "Be Happy, Go Lucky" with Polly. He advises Polly to learn the words of the song better, but if you've seen how many verses there are, that's not bloody likely. Mary asks Jack who he likes in the World Series. Jack picks Philadelphia over the Yankees. Dennis arrives and drives Jack nuts with his latest routine. Jack has Dennis sing the song he's going to sing on the program. Dennis sings "La Vie en Rose".

Phil arrives, but can't stay, as he has to attend the wedding of Sammy, his drummer. Phil reminds Jack of the terms of their World Series bet (the winner gets to kiss Betty Grable, the loser holds Harry James). Don arrives, late because he's wearing a Mickey Mouse wristwatch. Jack chides him for wearing it, but Don says Jack gave it to him for Christmas. Jack claims he'd intended it for Phil, who can't tell time. Jack tries to tune in the radio on his ballgame. As usual, he initially gets all the wrong stations; an ad for a "Little Stool Pigeon" tape recorder (meant for use on people who talk in their sleep), Maria Callous singing "Valley High", a Russian-speaking delegate who walks out on himself, and Mel Blanc as a quizmaster who gives out lavish consolation prizes. Jack insists that he's never had any trouble with this radio before, but Rochester comments that he did during the Dempsey-Tunney fight (held in 1926).

Jack finally finds Frank Nelson doing play by play on the baseball game. Woodling hits a high fly, but the program bleeds back over into "Valley High". Rizzuto breaks his ankle while knocking dirt off his spikes, but collects half salary thanks to the same insurance policy Jack sold to Mary. Because he's related to the umpire, Joe DiMaggio accrues 12 strikes before calling himself out due to exhaustion.

With Woodling on 3rd, Charles Ezzard comes up, and the game breaks to a commercial (a Sportsmen commercial for Lucky Strike, naturally).

Yogi Berra comes up and gets a hit, but the radio bleeds back over to the Dempsey-Tunney fight. By the time they get the game back again, the score is tied 1-1 in the 9th. With Berra on second, Mize gets a hit, but Frank calls the action with his mouth full, and so no one can tell what happened. Rochester switches back over to the Dempsey-Tunney fight.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS:

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Frank Nelson, Joseph Kearns, Sara Berner, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet, Blanche Stewart

MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

She:

Now I sell Luckies to the fans, yes that's the smoke to get.

They've mildness and a richer taste in one great cigarette.

He:

I am the pitcher for the team, they cheer my every act.

The fans are like a Lucky Strike, so firm and fully packed.

He:

So round, so firm so fully packed, they're made without a flaw.

That's why you find that Luckies are so easy on the draw.

She:

I'll eat hot dogs or steak or fish but only smoke one brand,

Those milder richer Lucky Strikes, the smoothest in the land.

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, just a few days ago, Jack Benny asked the gang over to his house to listen to the World Series. So, let's go back. It's morning, and Rochester is preparing Jack's bath."

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: Bernarr Macfadden (1868-1955) was a fitness and bodybuilding guru who wrote over 100 books. It's not clear which of them, if any, Jack is referring to in the opening scene.

COLMAN JOKES: [4:20]

Jack: "Hand me a towel, Rochester."

Rochester: "Yes sir, here you are."

Jack: "Thanks. Now, go down to the kitchen… Rochester, this towel is marked Hers."

Rochester: "That's the one you borrowed from Mrs. Ronald Colman.

Jack: "Oh. Well, give me the one marked His."

Rochester: "HE came and got HIS."

THE OLD DAYS: [5:00]

Rochester: "Mmm, mm. I ought to clean this house more often. Look at that dust on the piano. And somebody wrote his name in it. 'Kenny Baker'. We haven't seen him in 10 years!"

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [5:50]

Mary: "Him and his health fads. A couple of years ago he wanted to improve his eyesight, so for months he ate nothing but carrots."

Rochester: "Did it help his eyes?

Mary: "No. but his ears grew two inches. Then he tried to get the lead in 'Harvey'.

NOTE: Harvey was a 1944 play (and a 1950 movie) by Mary Chase, about a man whose imaginary friend was a 6 foot rabbit.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_(play)

RADIO HUMOR: [6:45]

Jack: "Did you have a good time at Ciro's?"

Mary: "Yeah, but it's kind of funny going out with a doctor. They always have their mind on business."

Jack: "What do you mean?"

Mary: "I told him my steak was too rare so he put a tourniquet on it."

NOTE: The preceding is a quintessential radio joke. Not the least bit funny, it's only there to try to create a mental image. You couldn't tell that joke on TV and hope for a laugh.

1950 WORLD SERIES: This episode was actually broadcast one day AFTER the World Series ended, in a 4-0 Yankees sweep. Among the stars of the 1950 Philadelphia Phillies, Jack names Eddie Waitkus, Andy Semenik, Richie Ashburn, Phil Rizzuto and Charles Ezzard. (Rizzuto actually played for the Yankees and Ezzard Charles was world heavyweight boxing champion). Oddly enough, the Phillies Hall of Fame pitcher Robin Roberts didn't rate a callout.

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: Mary comments that Jack used to deliver papers.

DENNIS' ROUTINE: [7:45] Dennis arrives with his arm in a sling, and blames it on his father. Dad had made Dennis' mother so angry over something that she picked Dennis up to throw at him. Dennis' injury was actually to his leg, but he's wearing the sling on his arm instead because it's easier to walk that way. The sling is black because Notre Dame lost. At 16:40, Dennis comments that Phil (who had just left) was smarter than Jack, because Phil didn't ask why his arm was in a sling. It's comments like this that show that Dennis' character knows exactly what he's doing with these routines.

JACK'S FILKSONGS [13:00]: Jack answers the door with a modified version of "Take me out to the ballgame.

Jack begins with "Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd. Buy me some Luckies and Cracker Jacks..." at which point Phil jumps in with "Remley's outside and he's flat on his back!"

JOKE: [13:45] (Sammy the drummer is getting married)

Jack: "Sammy's getting married?"

Phil: "Yep, he's going to marry the little girl who used to play harp in my band."

Jack: "Gee. Imagine Sammy getting married. I didn't know they were serious. I knew he went out with her once."

Phil: "That's what did it. He brought her home, her father was standing on the front porch with a clarinet, and Sammy thought it was a shotgun."

JOKE: [14:00]

Phil: "Well, anyway Jackson, even though I can't stay to hear the game, our bet's still on."

Jack: "It's on, it's on."

Mary: "How much is the bet, Jack?"

Jack: "Oh, it isn't money."

Phil: "That's right, Liv. Jack has Philadelphia, I have the Yankees, and the winner has to kiss Betty Grable."

Mary: "What about the loser?"

Phil: "He holds Harry James."

Jack: "Yeah."

Mary: "Well, if Jack wins, who's going to hold Betty Grable?"

Jack: "Mary. Mary, another crack like that, and 'May' is going to have 'Company'."

NOTE: Wait a minute??? PHIL is betting on the YANKEES???"

HARRISISMS (SELF CONGRATULATION): "Oh Harris, you may not be pitching, but you threw that by the old man!"

AD-LIB: [16:10] (the last joke didn't go over too well)

Jack: "That's the last time I buy a joke from John L. Lewis."

Mary: "Jack?"

Jack: "What? I ad-libbed that one in the middle, there. I had ad-lib for about 12 minutes, I had it written in already. I wrote it in in pencil so you wouldn’t know. I'm an ad-libbin' fool, you know."

JOKE: [17:00]

Don: "Hello Jack, hiya kids."

Everyone: "Hello, Don."

Don: "I hope I haven't missed too much of the ball game."

Jack: "No, no, Don, we still have a few minutes. The game doesn't start until 10 o'clock."

Don: "Look, I've got a quarter to 11."

Jack: "Oh, for heaven's sake, don. How can a man of your age and dignity wear a Mickey Mouse wristwatch?"

Don: "You gave it to me for Christmas."

Jack: "Oh, did that go to you? Gee, I meant it for Phil. He can't tell time so I thought he'd enjoy the pictures."

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: [17:30] Jack sold Mary an insurance policy that pays half of her salary if she misses an episode due to illness.

NOTE: The contestant on Mel Blanc's quiz show is Joe Twombly, named after Eugene Twombly, the husband of Bea Benaderet.

INTEGRATED COMMERCIAL: [23:00] (Jack listens to the World Series)

Frank: "The pitcher winds up. There comes the pitch. And… now for a few words from our sponsor, Gillette."

Jack: "Gillette?"

Frank: "Gillette" me tell you about Lucky Strikes."

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: During the game, the Sportsmen sing a Lucky-themed version of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".

VERDICT: A very strong episode, with lots of good gags and funny situations.

6. 10/15/50 JACK DREAMS HE IS MARRIED TO MARY (29:07)

SITCOM 1: At Mary's house, Mary is talking to her maid, Pauline to say that Jack will be coming over later. Not to sign her new lease, he's just coming for a social visit this time. Mary telephones Jack to say that there's something she's wanted to talk to him about for a long time and has finally worked up the courage to raise, and asks him to come over.

At Jack's house, Rochester says they need to find a new market to shop at, since the old one caught him bending cans to get a discount. Jack leaves for Mary's, singing "Be Happy Go Lucky" to himself. On the way, he wonders what Mary might want to discuss, and decides that it must be about marriage. For years, Jack has proposed to Mary only to be turned down, so now she must have changed her mind.

Jack stops in a drugstore for a copy of "True Story" magazine, which has an article about him. Mel and another customer buy large quantities of Lucky Strikes while Jack reads the article. Short of time, Jack considers coming back tomorrow to finish, but decides to be sporty and buy the magazine.

Dennis comes in to do his routine. For once, Jack doesn't bite on it, but the clerk falls for it hook, line and sinker. Dennis reminisces about singing "Good Night Irene" the other day, and for some reason, all of us hear it.

Jack arrives at Mary's house. Mary locks the door and closes the windows, so that they can talk in private. Jack is excited, but it turns out that Mary only wants to discuss Jack's being too cheap. Jack could drop his toothpaste, he's so crestfallen. He starts to tell Mary why he thought she asked him over, but thinks better of it and leaves.

Jack returns home and asks if Rochester thinks he's cheap. Rochester knows enough to deny it, and Jack recalls the time he gave 50 cents to John L.C. Sivoney. Jack falls asleep in an easy chair, musing about what it would be like if he and Mary were married.

SITCOM 2 (Dream Sequence): Mary and Pauline are on the bus, coming home from their shift at the May Company. To pass the time, they fill us in on the backstory. Mary has been married to Jack for 22 years, today is their anniversary, they have a 17 year old daughter named Joanie, and somewhere along the line, Jack traded in his ukulele for a violin.

Mary goes home to find Joan redoing her homework. Jack had helped her with her arithmetic problems, and got "39" as the answer to each one. Jack is in his room, practicing the violin. Mary dresses him down when he comes out, saying that for the last 22 years he's been promising that he'd be a big radio star, but all he does is practice the violin and cook their meals.

Joanie's boyfriend, Eugene McNulty drops by for their date, so Jack and Mary leave them alone together. Joan and Eugene talk about how overworked Mary is, supporting the family with her May Company job, and how Mary's never getting a day off led to Joan being born in an elevator.

Jack announces that dinner is served, and serenades everyone with his violin. When he hints that Joan and Eugene might leave tips in the empty plate, Mary explodes in anger, saying that she's not going to let Jack's cheapness ruin Joanie's chances for happiness…

SITCOM 3: In a frenzy, Jack wakes up, insisting that he isn't cheap, then realizes that it was just a dream. Mary calls to apologize for calling Jack cheap, and Jack tells her that he dreamed that they were married. Mary immediately guesses that in the dream she was still working at the May Company.

TAG: Jack announces that Joan Benny was played by Joan Benny. When Don complains that he didn't have a single line in the program, Jack has him sign over this week's paycheck to Joan.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Joan Benny, Doris Singleton

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Joseph Kearns, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", Blanche Stewart

MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

He:

I wooed my gal with music soft, and finally won her hand,

when I got smart and switched right to that milder Lucky brand.

She:

Right in the mirror on my wall, there is a fine reflection.

I see big stacks of Lucky packs, the smoke that is perfection.

He:

I count the downs and mark the yards reeled off by every back,

And in between the halves I smoke one half a Lucky pack.

She:

I lead the crowd in rah-rah-rah to cheer the team we like,

But when it comes to cigarettes, we cheer for Lucky Strike.

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, important things happened in Beverly Hills yesterday. They weren't the kind of things you'd read about in the paper. But they were important, nevertheless. It all started late in the afternoon at Mary Livingstone's house..."

BABE: [2:30] (Babe is staying at Mary's house)

Mary: "So Pauline, let her get all the rest she can, because she has to leave soon and go back to her job."

Pauline: "Is she still working as a deep sea diver?"

Mary; "Yes, and I hope the vacation out here makes her forget her recent loss."

Pauline: "Loss?"

Mary: "Yes, she was engaged to another deep sea diver, may he rest in peace."

Pauline: "Gee, what happened to him?"

Mary: "Well, he was working on a salvage job 80 feet under water. Babe walked by and he tipped his hat."

MAY COMPANY: [2:50]

Pauline: "You know, Miss Livingstone, life is funny. Years ago, you and I used to work side by side at the May Company. Now you're a big radio star and I'm your maid."

Mary: "Yeah. By the way, Pauline, can you lend me $5 until payday?"

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: [5:30] Jack sells tickets to his swimming pool.

TRIVIA: The copy of "True Story" magazine that Jack buys in the drugstore costs 20 cents ($1.84 in 2011 dollars).

DENNIS' ROUTINE: [8:45] Dennis wants a bottle of arsenic to commit suicide. Jack refuses to question it, but the druggist drags the story out of Dennis. Dennis wants to commit suicide because his girlfriend left him to marry someone else. Upon further questioning, it comes out that this happened two years ago, and Dennis waited this long to see if Dick Tracy would catch Stevie Wiggles. The druggist gives Dennis his arsenic, compliments of the house.

JOKE: [11:50] (What it's like being around Dennis)

Jack: "Yep, his voice is better than ever. But as soon as he got through singing, he turned to me and said 'Goodbye, Mr. Benny, have a nice trip.' Then I went upstairs and packed before I realized I wasn't going anywhere."

JACK'S AGENT: [12:40] (Jack counts his chickens before they're hatched)

Jack: "Well, there's Mary's house. I wonder how she's going to go about it. I bet she'll be coy and bashful. Gee, June would be a nice month to get married. I wonder who I should have for my best man. I could have my agent. He should be out on parole by then."

JOKE: [14:10] (Jack resents other stars calling him cheap)

Jack: "And anyway, they're a fine bunch to call me cheap. Especially that Danny Kaye. With that head of hair of his. That guy is too cheap to spend 50 cents for a haircut."

Mary: "They're a dollar and a quarter now."

NOTE: Eugene McNulty is Dennis' real name.

JOKE: [22:20] (Joan Benny and her boyfriend are enjoying a quiet moment)

Dennis: "Gee, what a beautiful room. You've got a big radio, a piano and a television set."

Joan: "Yeah, mother works awfully hard. That's a picture of her on the piano."

Dennis: "Oh, this picture here. Is this your father?"

Joan: "Yeah, that picture was taken when he was in the navy."

Dennis: "Gee, you must be proud of him. Underneath it says 'Admiral'."

Joan: "That's the name of the television set."

VERDICT: I dunno, this episode is okay, but somehow less than I expected. On the one hand, it's great seeing Dennis and Joan playing themselves, and that Admiral joke is worth the price of admission. On the other hand, something doesn't sit quite right about the idea that Jack would never have become a big star if he'd married Mary. The idea is that Jack would have sponged off her rather than going out and becoming a success, but a poor work ethic has never been one of Jack's faults. In fact, he's got such a strong one that he runs a laundry business, sells Christmas cards, and a hundred other sidelines to earn extra cash. Furthermore, Mary's putdowns of Jack just aren't as funny with them married as they are when they're single. A couple of them are downright cringe worthy. (For instance "22 years ago today you said I do". "Me and my big mouth!", and the bit where Mary chews Jack out at the end) Marital strife works on some shows, but not on this one with these characters. To do this show right, perhaps they should have flipped Mary's character completely and played her as the only one oblivious to Jack's faults.

Somebody liked the episode though, because it was re-made for TV in 1954. The Television version is about 60% similar to the radio one. Many of the jokes are the same, but the drugstore sequence is gone, Dennis doesn't play Joanie's boyfriend, Jack and Mary have only been married for 21 years (even though it's 4 years later), and Joanie is now 19. Don, who complained about not having a single line in the radio version, plays the minister who marries Jack and Mary, by making them say Lucky Strike-themed wedding vows.

EPISODE 7: LOST (50-10-22)

NOTE: This episode was transcribed (recorded in advance) on Thursday, October 12, 1950 (BC)

EPISODE 8: LOST (50-10-29)

NOTE: This episode was transcribed (recorded) in advance, on Sunday, October 15, 1950 (BC)

9. 11/05/50 COMING HOME ON THE TRAIN AND PLAYING TWENTY QUESTIONS (29:07)

SITCOM: Jack and his cast are returning from California, after filming the first episode of Jack's television series in New York. In the compartment of their train, Jack, Mary, Dennis and Don are playing Twenty Questions. Everyone fails to guess Mary's item (Harvey, the Invisible Rabbit). Nobody guesses Dennis' item either, mainly because no one else considers Walter Pidgeon to be a bird. Jack goes next, and picks Herman Quigley, the Assistant Cameraman on "The Glass Menagerie". Surprisingly, Mary guesses it easily, reasoning that Jack had loaned $1.50 to Herman before going to Europe, and it must still be on his mind.

Don steps out for a minute before his turn, so Jack decides to play a joke on him. Don will surely pick Lucky Strike on his turn, so Jack gets everyone to agree not to guess that no matter what. Phil drops by, and in his compartment, his band is playing TWO Questions (Ginger Ale or Straight?) They discuss Jack's show. Phil says he's not going on TV until the screens are life-sized. Since Phil can't read music, he asks Dennis to sing the song he'll sing on the next program, so he can go sing it to the boys. Dennis sings "Frosty the Snowman" for him, and it's so good you can almost hear an orchestra playing in the background.

Dennis plugs his picture, "I'll Get By", and Don returns. The 20 questions determine that the item is white, 3 inches long, cylindrical, free and easy on the draw, and is round, firm and fully packed, and associated with the letters LSMFT, but nobody guesses a Lucky Strike. No matter, since Don claims that wasn't the answer anyway, he was thinking of a piece of chalk. Jack doesn't buy it, and asks what the letters LSMFT have got to do with a piece of chalk. Don claims that they stand for Leibowitz, Sanders, McIntyre, Findley and Teitelbaum, the world's largest chalk manufacturer.

Jack leaves the game in protest, to go to the Club Car. In the corridor, he autographs a magazine for the mother of a fellow laundryman. Singing "Be Happy Go Lucky", Jack overhears Rochester swapping stories with one of the porters. Rochester tells the story of how he was laid up with a 105 degree fever, and Jack didn't make him do any housework until the minute his fever broke. The porter tells stories about Jack asking the train to make unscheduled stops in towns where he has bank accounts.

Jack encounters a little boy whose mother let him stop taking violin lessons after hearing Jack play. In the club car, Jack meets Mr. Lane, a salesman for Watson's Woolen Underwear, who is fond of singing their jingle. For some odd reason, this jingle shares a tune with the old Pepsi Cola jingle. Mr. Lane used to work for Leibowitz, Sanders, McIntyre, Findley and Teitelbaum, and Jack impresses him with his knowledge that they're chalk manufacturers.

Sam the porter asks Jack if he's getting off at LA or at Pasadena this time. Jack chooses Pasadena, as he always gets a better reception there.

TAG: Jack announces that Richard Widmark will be on the show next week, and says that Widmark's employer, 20th Century Fox wishes it known that they did not make "The Horn Blows At Midnight".

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS:

RECURRING GUEST STARS: L.A. "Speedy" Riggs"

MINOR ROLES: Roy Glenn, Dick Lane, Del Sharbutt, Stuffy Singer

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

He:

I carry letters all day long, as happy as can be.

But, the letters that I really love are LSMFT.

She:

I gaze into my crystal and what I see I like.

He's not so dark or handsome but he's smoking Lucky Strike.

She:

Republican or Democrat are both all right with me,

but I say vote for Lucky Strike, cause LSMFT.

He:

To get the voters to the polls in rain or when it shines,

I thank the mildness and rich taste that Lucky Strike combines.

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Jack Benny and his cast are returning from New York where Jack did his first television show. At the moment they're in Mary's compartment on the Super Chief, playing 20 Questions."

JACK'S TV SHOW: After talking about it since the mid 1930's, Jack's TV Show finally premiered on October 28, 1950 (he'd waited so long so that there would be people to see it). Jack only did four episodes in that 1950-51 season, but gradually increased them as time went on. The show ran until 1965, when Jack retired from the rigors of a weekly program, and began making TV specials. The premier show featured Dinah Shore, Ken Murray, Mel Blanc, and Artie Auerbach.

HARVEY THE INVISIBLE RABBIT: Another reference to the play "Harvey". See 10-08-1950.

THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT: [2:20] (Jack and Mary play 20 Questions)

Jack: "Well, that finishes our 20 Questions. Who is it, Mary? "

Mary: "Harvey, the invisible rabbit."

Jack: "Aww Mary, that's not fair. After all, Harvey doesn't exist. It's a figment of one mans' imagination. "

Mary: "So what? Universal just finished a wonderful picture about it."

Jack: "Yeah, and I can't understand it. How can a studio make a picture about something and nobody sees it?"

Mary: "Warner Brothers did."

BABE" [4:30] (Another game of 20 Questions)

Jack: "Go ahead all you smart guys, start guessing."

Don: "Okay Jack, is it animal, mineral or vegetable?"

Jack: "Animal."

Mary: "Uh, is it alive?"

Jack: "Yes."

Dennis: "A human being?"

Jack: "Yes."

Don: "Has it got a mustache?"

Jack: "Yes."

Mary: "My sister Babe?"

JOKE: [6:30] (Don leaves before it's his turn in the 20 Questions game)

Jack: "Hey, kids. Kids, I'm glad Don's gone. I've got a trick I want to play on him."

Dennis: "Uh huh. Yeah, what is it?"

Jack: "Well, you know Don. He's always thinking about Lucky Strike."

Dennis: "Uh huh."

Jack: "So when we play the game again, it's his turn, he's sure to pick Lucky. And we'll make believe we can't guess it."

Mary: "Well, what makes you so sure he'll pick Lucky Strike?

Jack: "Because he never thinks of anything else. In fact, when he went on his honeymoon, he registered at the hotel as 'Don Wilson and Cigarette'. So, remember. When he comes back, we'll trick him."

Dennis: "Well gee, Mr. Benny, do you think that's much fun?"

Jack: "You mean tricking Don?"

Dennis: "No, going on a honeymoon with a cigarette."

DON'S HONEYMOON: Don married his fourth wife, Lois Corbett, on June 22, 1950, so this joke is actually timely.

JOKE: [7:40] (Phil nearly missed the train)

Mary: "At least Phil got back on. Remley missed the train entirely in Chicago."

Phil: "Well, you can blame that on Jackson's program."

Jack: "My program?"

Phil: "Yeah, they keep hollering 'Be Happy Go Lucky' and Remley overdoes it!"

PSEUDO-BLUE HUMOR: [8:10]

Jack: "As soon as we arrive in Los Angeles, we're going right to the studio for rehearsal. And if [Remley] isn't there, I'm going to dock him two weeks salary."

Phil: "You can't scare Rem with that kind of stuff. He comes from a very wealthy family."

Jack: "Oh, I didn't know that."

Phil: "Sure. His father made a fortune growing sweet potatoes."

Jack: "Sweet potatoes?"

Phil: "He's got the biggest yam plantation in Texas."

Dennis: "Oooh, what he said!!"

Jack: "He said YAM!!!"

JOKE: [8:40]

Jack: "I'm not going to complain about Remley or any of your boys. On radio, nobody can see them. But what are you going to do when you go on television?"

Phil: "That don't bother me, Jackson. I ain't going on television until they make them screens bigger."

Jack: "But Phil, they already have 20 inch screens."

Phil: "I know, dad, but if you don't get Harris life-sized, you're bein' robbed!"

HARRISISMS (MALAPROPISMS): [9:20]

Phil: "You know something, Jack. I realize that Mr. Kitzle is popular, but can you imagine them making a television station and naming it after him?"

Jack: "A television station?

Phil: "Yeah, right in Los Angeles. Channel 2: Kitzle."

Jack: "That's KTSL!!"

JOKE: [14:45] (Don plays the old Switcheroo in the 20 Questions game)

Jack: "A piece of chalk?? Don Wilson, you were thinking of a Lucky Strike and you know it!"

Don: "No, I wasn't, Jack."

Jack: "Now, wait a minute, Don. I'll admit that a piece of chalk is white and can be three inches long. I'll also admit that it's round and firm and fully packed. But how in the name of Speedy Riggs are the letters LSMFT associated with a piece of chalk??"

Don: "But they are, Jack! LSMFT stands for Leibowitz, Sanders, McIntyre, Findley and Teitelbaum, the biggest chalk manufacturers in the world!"

Jack: "Hmm."

Don: "You're not mad, are you, Jack?"

Jack: "No, no Don. In fact I've got to give you credit. You've got a lot of brains. But then, it takes a lot to fill that big fat head of yours!!"

JOKE: [17:00] (Jack meets a fan)

Jack: "Are you going to Los Angeles?"

Old Lady: "Yes, I'm going to visit my son in Beverly Hills. Perhaps you know him. He's a competitor of yours."

Jack: "Oh, oh, is he a comedian?"

Old Lady: "No, he owns a laundry. Oh, he's an awfully good boy. He's had me come all the way out from Chicago just to celebrate my birthday. That's tomorrow."

Jack: "Oh, how nice. How old will you be?"

Old Lady: "39."

Jack: "Oh, lady, you're teasing me."

Old Lady: "Yes, I am. I'm really 72.

Jack: "Then why do you tell people you're 39?"

Old Lady: "It gets laughs."

JOKE: [20:30]

Sam: "Rochester, I can't understand why Mr. Benny keeps saving his money like that. He's not married. He's got no family. No children. Who's he going to leave it to?"

Rochester: "What makes you think he's going to leave it?"

JOKE: [22:30] (Jack meets another fan)

Little Boy: "Say, aren't you Jack Benny?"

Jack: "Why, yes. Yes I am."

Little Boy: "I saw you on television Saturday night."

Jack: "You did?"

Little Boy: "Uh huh. I heard you play your violin. Thanks very much."

Jack: "Thanks? You're thanking me for playing the violin?"

Little Boy: "Yeah. Sunday my mom let me stop taking lessons."

JOKE: [25:20]

Rochester: "Yeah, no doubt about it, Sam. You sure have an interesting job."

Jack, overhearing: "Rochester's still talking to that porter."

Sam: "Yeah, you're right, Rochester. I've been across this continent over a hundred times."

Rochester: "Gosh, you must know every inch of it."

Sam: "Yes, America's an amazing country. It's got Harlem on the east Coast, Central Avenue on the West Coast, and all that waste in between."

Rochester: "Ain't it the truth? Well Sam, don't forget our date. The first Saturday night you're in Los Angeles, we'll go out with those two girlfriends of yours."

Sam: "Okay."

Rochester: "Then we'll take 'em to the Hollywood Bowl."

Sam: "But Rochester. This time of year there's nothing going on at the Hollywood Bowl."

Rochester: "We'll change that."

NOTE: At the end of the program, Jack does a PSA encouraging people to vote.

VERDICT: A very strong episode (as these traveling episodes usually are). Lots of interesting and engaging situations, several good lines.

10. 11/12/50 A CUP OF COFFEE, A SANDWICH, AND MURDER (25:44)

SITCOM: Jack is helping Rochester do the dishes after dinner, so that Rochester can get away to his birthday dinner quicker. Jack has silverware that appears to come from big name restaurants, like Romanovs, Chasen's, and Pig n Whistle, but actually came from similarly named relatives.

Mary arrives with a gift for Rochester and wants to know what Jack gave him. Rochester explains Jack's rationale, that with his salary, 6 minutes of Jack's time helping to dry the dishes was worth $2400.

Mary invites Jack over to dinner, but Jack has to review the script for his second TV show tonight. Mary reads a letter from Momma, commenting on Jack's first show. Phil arrives wearing glasses, which he decided he needed after whistling at a girl on Hollywood Boulevard who turned out to be his wife, Alice Faye. Phil brings Rochester a bottle of booze for his birthday, and asks if Jack can get by without Phil and his band for a week, as they may be invited to play at the opening of a Fish Head Incinerator.

Dennis calls from Las Vegas to do his routine. Afterwards, the operator asks him to sing a song, so he plays "Christmas in Killarney" on a piano that was conveniently located in the phone booth. Phil and Mary leave. Jack gives Rochester the evening off, but he's out the door before Jack finishes saying it. Jack doesn't feel like memorizing his new TV script, so he goes into the library to read a book. He checks out several books in the library, and settles on one called "A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich and Murder". He sits down and starts reading:

THE PLAY: Normally when they're doing "The Show" in studio, "The Show" culminates in a play. When they're doing a sitcom in Jack's home, there's no reason to do a play, so in recent years, they've gotten around this by having Jack dream a play in such situations.

Jack is Charlie Gundelfinger, owner of a lunchroom. It is midnight and only one customer is there, one Curly Harris. Jack sees two guys step off the curb across the street. One looks just like Richard Widmark (courtesy of 20th Century Fox). The two enter the lunchroom, and turn out to be Widmark and Dennis. Widmark is a giggling gangster. He orders dinner, saying that if the food isn't good, he'll blow Jack's head off.

Widmark orders a wax apple, but Dennis has eaten them all. Widmark hears that Jack is redecorating the place, and wants to know where he's getting his chintz from. Jack doesn't want his drapes lined, but Widmark threatens him (Your interior decoration or your life, or some such).

Jack threatens to call the Police, but Widmark dials them from across the room for him, simply by shooting at the phone. Realizing that Widmark is out of bullets, Jack pulls a gun on him and fires. Widmark is mortally wounded, but takes an inordinately long time to die. Jack confesses that he's killed Widmark, and will do it again for the West Coast at 9:30.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Richard Widmark

RECURRING GUEST STARS: L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet, Blanche Stewart

MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, it's evening at the Benny household. Rochester has just finished... Jack has just finished dinner, and now, is in the kitchen helping Rochester with the dishes."

THE BIGGEST LAUGHS: Don flubs fairly rarely. In the "Reviewing Everybody's Recent Bloopers" episode of 11/13/49, he was the only one they couldn't dredge up a flub for. But he flubbed this time, and it was the opening announcement, no less. It's not a particularly funny flub, all he does is say "Rochester" when he means Jack, but the audience loved it and gave one of the biggest laughs of the night. After this announcement, Jack deliberately flubbed his first line, "Enjoy your dinner, Rochester", to keep the laugh going.

JOKE:

Jack: "Well, after all Rochester, it's your birthday and your friends are giving you a party. I know you want to get away. By the way, how old are you?"

Rochester: "43."

Jack: "Gee. 43."

Rochester: "Yep. Hee, hee, hee, hee."

Jack: "What are you laughing at?"

Rochester: "It's hard to believe that when I first started working here, I was younger than you."

NOTE: Rochester's birthday was actually on September 18, so this celebration is coming a bit late. Rochester was actually 45 at the time of this broadcast, not 43. You didn't think Jack was the only one who lied about his age, did you?

NAMES FOR MOMMA:

Jack: "What does Plainfield's "Edge of Doom" have to say?"

JOKE:

Mary, reading the letter: "In the time it took him to say 'Hello again, this is Jack Benny', Milton Berle would have given us three guest stars."

Jack: "Well Mary, we're different. I have my style of comedy, and Berle has everybody's."

NOTE: At the time, there was a running joke, told by Berle himself, to the effect that he was fond of lifting material from other comics.

JOKE:

Mary, reading the letter from Momma: "We thought Babe had finally landed a fella last week. For seven straight nights, a college student took her out."

Jack: "A college student took out Babe?"

Mary: "Mmm. But the eighth night he didn't show up. He called and said the initiation was over."

NAMES FOR MOMMA: Momma signs the letter "La Vie en Rose Livingstone". (Dennis had sung that song in Episode 5).

JOKE: [5:30]

Phil: "Hello Roch, Happy Birthday."

Rochester: "Thank you, Mr. Harris."

Phil: "Here Rochester, I brought you a present."

Rochester: "Thanks! What is it? Hair Tonic?"

Phil: "You can use it for that, if you want happy hair."

HARRISISMS (MALAPROPISMS): [6:00]

Phil: "Hey Jackson, I want to ask you something."

Jack: "What is it, Phil?"

Phil: "Well, a couple of weeks from now, me and my boys have to be out of town, and I want to know, do you think that you could possibly do a program without us?"

Jack: "What did you say, Phil?"

Phil: "I want to know if you can do a program without me and my boys."

Jack: "Well, Phil. I really don't know, but I'd be so grateful if you'd give me a chance to try. Believe me."

Phil: "Wait a minute, Jackson. That's no altitude to take."

Jack: "That's attitude!" As far as I'm concerned, you can go right now! (derisively) 'Altitude'!"

Phil: "A natural mistake for a chap who's always high."

DENNIS' ROUTINE: Dennis calls from Las Vegas, but claims he thought the pay phone was a slot machine. He claims to have seen the Hoover Vacuum Cleaner, and thinks Jack is cursing when he tells him that it's 'Dam'.

FLUB/FORGOTTEN HUMOR:

Jack: "The Hoovier... The Hoover Vacuum?... Hoovier? Did I say Hoovier? Remember our old President, Herbert Hoovier?

Dennis: "No, that's Hoobert Heever!"

NOTE: Dennis' ad-lib above is a reference to a legendary blooper from 1931 in which announcer Harry Von Zell announced the President as 'Hoobert Heever'.

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/radio/vonzell.asp

NOTE: When looking for a book to dream a play about, Jack considers "Across the River and Into the Trees" (a real book, published by Ernest Hemingway in 1950), and "Across the Runway and Into the Tease" (a similarly titled but fictional book by Gypsy Rose Lee, which Jack rejects because it has no pictures).

NOTE: Widmark's giggling gangster in this episode is based on his character Tommy Udo, from "Kiss of Death" (1947).

VERDICT: An average episode. Seeing Widmark reprise his Tommy Udo role is kind of cool, but the play itself is very pedestrian (weak plot, and few good jokes), and exists mainly to permit Widmark to do the character. The opening sequence in Jack's home is decent, but not remarkable. In a way, these scenes at Jack's home are similar to "The Show". Everyone stands around talking and telling stories before a play, but at Jack's home, rather than in the studio. Setting it in Jack's home allows Rochester to be there.

11. 11/19/50 JACK AND DINAH IN LONDON (29:17)

THE SHOW: Everyone is in the studio this week doing "The Show", but Jack doesn't say 'Hello again', or even 'Jell-O again'. Instead, Jack is arguing with Phil as the program opens, about how he should be introduced with music befitting one who has done a command performance for the King of England (after 1952, goodness knows when there will be a King of England again). Jack argues that not only did he do a command performance, but he was knighted as well. However, it soon comes out that the person who knighted Jack didn't tap one shoulder after the other with the sword, but instead tried to go straight across. Also, Jack was playing his violin at the time, which sort of clears everything up. Phil thinks Jack is making too much fuss over a one-night stand, which leads to another argument about Phil's orchestra.

Mel Blanc drops by to return Jack's toupee, which he lost when Jack stuck his head out of the plane. Unfortunately, the toupee is shot full of holes, as Mel mistook it for a duck. Mary questions whether it's possible to stick your head out of a plane window, but Jack insists he's there to be funny, not technical.

Dennis comes in and does his routine. Jack responds by trying to shoot an apple off Dennis' head, but misses and hits the apple.

Jack introduces his guest star, Dinah Shore, who congratulates Jack on recovering his toupee, and mistakes the arrow on Dennis' head for a weather vane. Mary and Dinah discuss clothes, but get torn apart long enough for Dennis and Dinah to sing a duet of "You're Just in Love", from "Call Me Madame". Rochester calls to ask if they can keep a cat that turned up on the doorstep. Jack is hesitant, but reconsiders when the cat jumps on the piano and plays "Love in Bloom" better than Phil's piano player, Charlie Bagby could.

During the phone call, Mary and Dinah have disappeared again. Jack sends Don out to the hall to look for them. Don angrily mutters a Lucky Strike commercial to himself as he searches for them [17:45], but cheers himself up by singing "Be Happy, Go Lucky". Don finally finds Dinah and Mary telling stories about Jack, and decides to stay and listen, as their conversation sounds funnier than the program. Dinah tells Mary about the nightgown Jack bought for Mary.

SITCOM (FLASHBACK): Jack and Dinah are in a sightseeing bus the day before the Command Performance. Jack envies the people who got to be executed in the Tower of London, so near the Crown Jewels. Dinah wants to go see the changing of the guard. Traffic literally screeches to a halt for tea at 4:00 o'clock sharp. Jack and Dinah get off the bus. Jack encounters a newsboy, but can't figure out what a 'piper' is.

Jack and Dinah stop off in a Gift Shop. Jack starts to buy a bottle of Perfume for Mary, but finds it costs 15 pounds, 4 shillings. He decides to shop for nightgowns instead. He rejects an 11 pound, a 6 pound, and even a 2 pound nightgown as being too expensive. The clerk immediately deduces that he's Jack Benny. Jack breaks down and buys the 2 pound nightgown. Later, Jack and Dinah have gotten lost in the fog while looking for the Savoy Hotel. When it starts to rain, they discover that they're already in the hotel, and have wandered into another guest's shower.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Dinah Shore

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", Blanche Stewart

MINOR ROLES: Johnny McGovern, Del Sharbutt, Eric Snowden

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

She:

I dance and skip upon my toes, I even pirouette,

Since I discovered Lucky Strike, a happy cigarette.

Stop fiddling, folks, when buying smokes, join in the swing to pleasure.

These Luckies are a richer blind with mildness for good measure.

[This verse re-used from 9/24/50]

She:

The turkey said I'm glad to go and feed your family,

But give me one last Lucky Strike, cause LSMFT.

He:

We'll all enjoy Thanksgiving day, the turkey and the stuffin',

and then we'll light a Lucky Strike and have great pleasure puffun'.

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, this week Jack Benny boarded a plane and flew to England, where he appeared in a command performance for the Royal Family. Tonight our little star is celebrating a triumphant return, and here he is, Jack Benny!"

HARRISISMS (MALAPROPISM): [2:20]

Jack: "I'm not being silly. After all, I just returned from England, I have a perfect right to expect appropriate music for my entrance. Now, go ahead, Phil."

Phil: All right. Okay fella, 'Pomp and Serutan'!"

Jack: "Phil! Phil, that's 'Pomp and Circumstance'! 'SERUTAN'!"

Phil: "My boys play it backwards."

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: Serutan was an early laxative, whose advertising slogan was 'Read it Backwards'. (In this way, it was billed as a "Natural" product, before "Natural" was cool). Serutan was also a major focus of Jack's 1944-45 Season, which featured a season-long running joke about Jack hearing commercials for "Sympathy Soothing Cream". (With the slogan 'Sympathy spelled backwards is Yhtapmys'). They also had a rival product called Sdrawrof (Sdrawrof spelled backwards is Forwards).

NOTE: The Royal Couple that Jack met were King George VI, and Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon.

JOKE: [5:00] (Phil is less than impressed over Jack's Command Performance).

Phil: "Hey dad, aren't you making a little too much fuss over a one-night stand?"

Jack: "What?"

Phil: "Me and my boys used to play one-night stands all over the country, it's nothing!"

Jack: "Phil, if any of your boys were able to stand for one night, it's something!... believe me!"

Phil: "Now, wait a minute, Jackson. You can stop picking on my boys. It makes them feel bad."

Jack: "I'm sorry, Phil. I didn't mean to hurt their feelings. I didn't know that a group of men wearing overalls, blowing into empty jugs, and turning the music with their bare feet could be sensitive."

RUNNING JOKE: FUNNY/TECHNICAL #1 [7:00]

Mary: "Wait a minute, Jack. Where do you come off saying that you stuck your head out of the window of an aeroplane?"

Jack: "Why?"

Mary: "In the first place, you can't even open a window on an aeroplane."

Jack: "Mary. Lucky Strike pays me $10,000 a week to be funny, not technical."

DENNIS' ROUTINE: [7:15]

Dennis asks how Jack enjoyed his trip to Palm Springs. When Jack asks why Dennis thinks he went to Palm Springs, Dennis explains that he saw a picture in the paper of Jack shaking hands with the King of England. When Jack asks why Dennis would think the King of England was in Palm Springs, Dennis explains that he can afford it.

BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL: [8:15]

Jack: "That kid drives me nuts. How I stay 39, I'll never know. Mary, you can have [Dennis] now."

Mary: "I don't know what to say to him."

Jack: "Say anything. Ask him why he was late, like it says on page 7."

Mary: "Okay. Dennis, why were you late for the broadcast?"

Dennis: "My answer won't make sense."

Jack: "Why not?"

Dennis: "I'm on Page 5."

Jack: "Now, cut that out!"

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [8:40]

Jack: "Put down that portable radio! I don't care if you do like Tallulah Bankhead!"

(A reference to "The Big Show", a 1950 radio show hosted by Tallulah Bankhead, and featuring a river of big name guest stars, as an attempt to save radio from the onslaught of television:

http://home.hiwaay.net/~oliver/tbradio.htm

Can you imagine hearing some of these references without having an internet to look them up on? On the other hand, before the internet more people would have gotten this joke.)

RUNNING JOKE: FUNNY/TECHNICAL #2 [9:00]

Dennis: "Mr. Benny?"

Jack: "What now?"

Dennis: "Did you hear the joke I told on my program last night?"

Jack: "Which one?"

Dennis: "Well, a fellow says to me, 'Do you know how they fill those tubes with toothpaste?' And I said, yeah! First they put the cap on the top, and then they open up the bottom and inject three and a quarter ounces of toothpaste in the tube for the small size, or five ounces for the large size! And then they clamp the bottom together and seal it with a hydraulic press!!"

(a little expectant laughter)

Jack: "Dennis. Where's the laugh in that?

Dennis: "Colgate pays me $5000 a week to be technical, not funny."

RUNNING JOKE: FUNNY/TECHNICAL #3 [16:00]

Jack: "What kind of a cat is this? Is it a Persian?"

Rochester: "I think it's part Persian."

Jack: "What's the other part? Angora?"

Rochester: "A little of that."

Jack: "Siamese?"

Rochester: "Some."

Jack: "Well Rochester, is it male or female?"

Rochester: "Boss, you pay me $25 a week to be a butler, not to be technical."

JOKE: [21:40]

Dinah: "Jack, look they have a story about our show tonight."

Jack: "Where, where, where, where?? Where, where, where, where?? Where?"

Dinah: "Right here. Look, it says 'Jack Benny to play violin at command Performance'. God Save the King."

Jack: "And look, they have a comic strip here, too: Richard Tracy. Oh look, look. Here's a big ad for Universal's new picture: James Stewart in 'Arvey'."

JOKE: [22:30]

Dinah: "Jack. Look here at the perfume counter."

Jack: "Why, what is it?"

Dinah: "The English are so much more conservative than we are. Look at the names of the perfume."

Jack: "What about it?"

Dinah: "Well, in America the perfumes have names like 'Desire', 'Night of Bliss', and 'Surrender'."

Jack: "Uh huh."

Dinah: "Only here, they're called 'Really Old Boy', 'Tut Tut', and 'It Isn't Cricket, You Know'."

VERDICT: A solid episode. The interplay at the beginning is good stuff. The London sketch is a mixed bag. None of the individual jokes are especially funny, but the cumulative effect of piling every English stereotype imaginable into one big heap eventually catches up with you. I actually prefer episodes where they end "The Show" with a flashback scene rather than a play because the characters are at their funniest when they're playing themselves. I felt a bit let down though, because they made it sound like there was some big story about Jack buying the nightgown. It must be something big if it was worth doing a whole flashback scene to tell, right? But no, the "story" is that he just walked into a store and bought it. That's it???

12. 11/26/50 JACK TRIES TO BUY TICKETS TO THE USC-UCLA GAME (29:39)

SITCOM: Jack, Mary and Dennis are getting ready to go to the USC-UCLA game. Jack is copying the lineups out of the paper, rather than buying a program at the game. Dennis gets his routine out of the way early, and Jack makes sure everything is packed. Mr. Kitzle drops by to return the roasting pan he borrowed for Thanksgiving, and tell stories about his relatives eating habits. Dennis wants to know why the cast wasn't invited over for a Thanksgiving episode this year, and Jack relays an argument he had with his butcher. Jack is pulling for UCLA in the game because he washes their jerseys. Mary is cheering for USC. Dennis is cheering for Notre Dame even though they're not in the game because they need all the cheers they can get this year. As they leave, Ronald Colman is looking for his paper, but it turns out to be Dennis mimicking his voice. Phil drives by, to show off the new car he bought for Alice (with her money).

They head off to the game in Jack's Maxwell, but Rochester realizes he forgot the sandwiches. Dennis previews "All My Love", the song he's going to sing on the program, while Mary hides as they pass the May Company. Jack bypasses cheaper parking lots in favor of a $2 lot ($18.50 in today's money), close to the game. The others are surprised until they discover that Jack owns the lot. Dennis goes missing and Jack finds himself accidentally holding the hand of a little old lady who enjoys it a little too much. Dennis turns up again as stadium announcer pages Jack to the Lost & Found. When Jack doesn't go, the announcer starts begging.

As the game begins, Herb Vigran claims Jack is sitting in his seat. The Yes Man tries to straighten things out, but isn't too much help. Somehow, the problem goes away anyway. During the first timeout, Jack and Mary see the Sportsmen on the field, doing the cheers, and singing more unscheduled verses of "Be Happy Go Lucky".

Jack gets a hotdog from a smart alec vendor as the game resumes. The Lost & Found Announcer finally gets desperate enough for Jack to go get Dennis. On the way, Jack checks in with one of his hot dog vending kids. He tries to ask directions to the Lost & Found from a spectator, who turns out to be John L.C. Sivoney, who tells an overly rambling story about how he came to be at the game by picking J. Edgar Hoover's pocket. Aside from comedy relief, he isn't much help.

By the time Jack is through talking to Sivoney, the game is over. Jack learns that the score was 39-0 and decides that they did that just for him.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Frank Fontaine, Herb Vigran, Jerry Hausner,

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Frank Nelson, Artie Auerbach, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet,

MINOR ROLES: Gwen Delano, Del Sharbutt, Stuffy Singer

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

She:

Now when I have a gift to give, I know just what to send.

The cigarette that's mild and rich, that happy Lucky blend.

He:

Sailors are a fickle lot, with gals around the sea.

But they are true to Lucky Strike, cause LSMFT.

He:

Now here's a picture of a pack of richer Lucky Strike,

It makes you think of smoking joy and mildness people like.

She:

I'm sure I know the reason why the Mona Lisa smiles,

She's just discovered Lucky Strike, the smoke that's rich and mild.

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday USC and UCLA met in their annual football classic. So, let's go out to Jack Benny's house a few hours before the game."

JOKE: [1:50} (Jack wants to copy the football lineups out of the paper before going to the game)

Mary: "But Jack, you can buy a program when you get to the coliseum."

Jack: "Why do that when the lineups are right here in the paper?"

Mary: "Well, it's silly to copy it. Why don't you just cut them out?"

Rochester: "Because we have to put the paper back on the Colman's porch."

MARY'S SISTER BABE: (Jack is studying the football lineups)

Jack: "Now, let's see. Here's USC's lineup: Moomaw, Narleski, Flynn, Stroschein, Livingston... Livingston! Mary!"

Mary: "That's Cliff Livingston."

Jack: "Oh. I thought it was your sister, Babe."

Mary: "No, no Jack. Babe is with the Green Bay Packers."

NOTE: The final score of the 1950 USC-UCLA game really was 39-0. Spooky, huh? Almost like that Kennedy/Lincoln thing.

Here's more on the game:

http://www.fanbase.com/58012-1950-11-25

Frank Gifford played for USC that year.

STRETCHING A POINT: Cliff Livingston's name is "Livingston", rather than "Livingstone", but on radio, no one would notice that. But on that note, there once was a "Mary Livingston" (with no e at the end), who was born in 1541. It's probably not our Mary, though. If it were, that might make her even older than Jack.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Livingston

DENNIS' ROUTINE: Dennis claims to have won a high school football game by calling for the water boy and scoring while everyone was drinking (but having it called back because he forgot the ball).

FORGOTEN HUMOR:

Jack: "Dennis, did you also play football in college?"

Dennis: "No."

Jack: "You're sure you didn't play college football?"

Dennis: No, why?"

Jack: "Well, some years ago in a Rose Bowl game, a player ran 80 yards in the wrong direction, and I thought it might have been you."

Dennis: "Oh, that was my father!"

Jack: "Well, at least I had it in the right family!"

NOTE: The previous is a reference to Roy Riegels in 1929. Riegel's blunder didn't actually lead to a touchdown, only a safety, but it was enough to decide the game:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roy_Riegels

JOKE:

Jack: "And did you pack the sandwiches?

Rochester: "Uh huh, and I put your Ovaltine in a whiskey bottle like you told me to."

Mary: "Ovaltine in a whiskey bottle??"

Rochester: "When Mr. Benny takes his three o'clock nap, he wants people to think he's passed out."

NOTE: After winning the national championship in 1947 and 1949, Notre Dame finished 4-4-1 in the 1950 season.

JOKES YOU COULDN'T TELL TODAY: [9:00]

Phil: "Some place, Beverly Hills [is]."

Jack: "Why, what's the matter?"

Phil: "I was driving down the street, stuck out my hand to make a left turn, and someone stole the olive out of my martini!"

JOKE: [9:10]

Jack: "Hey Phil, that's a beautiful car you're driving. Is it new?"

Phil: "Yeah, a brand new Cadillac! I bought it for Alice. I thought I'd surprise her."

Jack: "YOU? You bought a car for Alice?"

Phil: "Yeah, them joint bank accounts are wonderful."

Jack: "Phil..."

Phil: "When Alice finds out I learned how to write my name, she'll kill me."

Jack: "Oh, you know now! How to write. Well, I can't believe it. Go ahead, Phil. Let me hear you spell your name."

Phil: "Okay. P-H-I-L. H-A-R-I-S."

Jack: "Phil, you left out an R."

Phil: "Oh, yes. H-A-R-I-S-R."

MAXWELL SOUND: Mel does the Maxwell Engine sound at [11:00]

SO THAT'S WHERE THE FLINTSTONES GOT IT FROM!: [11:30]

Rochester: "I forgot to bring the sandwiches."

Jack: "Well, it's too late now. Maybe after the game we can stop and get something to eat.

Mary: "Okay Jack, but this time let's go to a restaurant instead of a drive-in."

Dennis: "Don't you like Drive-ins, Mary?"

Mary: "Sure, but the last time Jack drove in one, the girl put the tray on the door and the car turned over."

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: He owns a parking lot near the LA Coliseum.

JOKE: [17:50]

Jack: "Now, where is Dennis?"

Announcer: "Attention, please. Will Mr. Jack Benny please report to the Lost & Found Department?"

Jack: "I will not, let him stay there! It's the last time I take that kid any place! Every time we go, I always have that problem!"

Announcer: "Attention, please. Mr. Benny! Will you please come to the Lost & Found Department? He's driving us nuts!"

THE SPORTSMEN QUARTET: The Sportsmen sing two more verses of "Be Happy Go Lucky" as an integrated commercial during the game:

Sportsman 1:

Now if you want to win this game just pass the Luckies more.

The odds are always 2 to 1 that Lucky Strike will score.

[Chorus]

Sportsman 2:

When everyone is voting for the player that they like,

For all American fullback, will vote for Lucky Strike.

JOKE: [22:30]

PA Announcer: "Attention! Mr. Benny! Please! Please, come and get him! You can't do this to us!! How many Irish songs can we listen to???"

VERDICT: A good, solid episode. Not a lot of quotable lines, but a continuous supply of funny situations throughout.

13. 12/03/50 "GRASSREEK" FLUFF (29:02)

THE SHOW: After hearing Don's intro, Mary chews Jack out for always jumping the gun and prematurely assuming that he's going to win awards. She recalls how, when Jack was making movies, he always assumed he'd win the Academy Award. Jack urges Don to do another intro, but Mary and Don both insist that Jack really deserved the Award. Phil says that they're only saying it in order to wangle bigger Christmas presents, and that he refuses to prostitute himself for a lousy pair of shoelaces. (I paraphrase, of course. No 1950's show would come within a million light-years of that word). Jack recalls buying shoelaces for Don three years ago, but insists that it was a joke.

The phone rings, and it's Mary's sister, Babe. Babe says that she's suing Phil Harris, believing that his song "The Thing" is about her. Jack has no idea what "The Thing" is, so Phil sings it for him. Jack still doesn't get it, until The Sportsmen sing a Lucky Strike-themed version of the song. Somehow, that does the trick.

A messenger boy (Mel) drops by to deliver a letter to Jack. Jack is going to be interviewed by a radio commentator, who has sent over the questions she's going to ask in advance. Jack has Mary ask him the questions, so he can rehearse his answers. When Mary asks Jack a question about how he met Rochester, Jack rehearses the entire story as he's going to tell it to the columnist:

SITCOM: It is March, 1937. Jack is driving the streets of New York in his Maxwell. Jack is singing to himself near 134th Street, when he rear-ends a taxi. Even though the taxi was parked, and up on a grease rack at the time, Jack insists that the accident is the taxi driver's fault. The taxi driver, is, of course, Rochester. Jack asks for the cabbie's license, and threatens to sue him if he refuses to arbitrate.

At the Cab Company, the owners, Amos & Andy, are going over the company's receipts. They begin to question how they can afford to retain Rochester as a cab driver when business is bad, and they only have one taxi, that they could easily drive themselves. Rochester comes in and tells them that he did bang-up business today, but that it's not what they think. Amos and Andy are worried. Their business isn't doing well, and Jack's reputation for cheapness precedes him. Rochester says that Jack offered to arbitrate. After figuring out what this means, Amos goes to repair the cab, while Andy and Kingfish head to Jack's house.

Andy and Kingfish expect Jack to pay them for the damage, but Jack makes it clear that he expects a settlement in his own favor. Kingfish and Andy go off into the corner to discuss it. They agree that they'll have to toss something in Jack's direction to get out of trouble. They further agree that they don't want a driver that's reckless enough to get hit on a grease rack anyway.

They talk to Jack about paying him off, and express surprise that such an important person as Jack would have no butler. Before Jack quite knows what's happening, Andy and Kingfish have agreed to give up one employee as a settlement, and beaten a hasty retreat.

TAG: Back in the present, Mary asks how Jack could possibly have hit a car while it was up on a 'grass reek'. Major humiliation follows.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Charles Correll, Freeman Gosden

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

He:

The teacher said 'What blend is that?', the college class replied:

Those Lucky Strikes, a happy smoke, so mild and rich inside.

She:

I whirl and twirl upon my skates, and do a fancy spin.

And cut these words right in the ice, 'By mildness, Luckies win'.

He:

I call the dance while couples whirl and swing and dosey-do,

And when I call out Lucky Strike, it always stops the show.

She:

I could have come with Luke or Sy, but Clem's the one for me

Cause he knows fine tobacco counts, and LSMFT.

DON'S INTRO:

Don: "Ladies and gentlemen, as you may know, a little over a month ago, Jack Benny made his first and only appearance in television. Last week the radio and TV editors of the United States conducted a poll. And who do you think was selected the most outstanding personality in television?"

Jack: "Don..."

Don: "And which comedian was picked as having television's funniest program?"

Jack: "Don..."

Don: "And who do you think was chosen as television's most popular..."

Jack: "Don. Don. We can't do this introduction."

Don: "Why not?"

Jack: "We wrote it too soon. They picked Milton Berle."

JOKE: [2:00]

Mary: "You never wait for the final results, do you?"

Jack: "What?"

Mary: "Every time you made a picture, you were so sure you were going to win the Academy Award."

Jack: "Look, Mary…"

Mary: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Jack: "What are you laughing at?"

Mary: "You're the only actor in Hollywood who's got 12 bottles of gold polish and no Oscars."

Jack: "Well, for your information, Mary, that polish isn't going to waste."

Mary: "What do you mean?"

Jack: "Come here a minute. You know that bowl in my living room that's full of goldfish?"

Mary: "Uh huh."

Jack: "Sardines."

Mary: "I wondered how you trained them to jump through onion rings."

NOTE: The reference to Jack buying shoelaces for Christmas refers to the episode of 12/8/46, in which Jack bought them for Don Wilson. This episode began an annual running joke, of Jack driving Mel Blanc crazy by buying something for Don, and constantly exchanging it. We'll see that again in the next couple of episodes.

BOB NEWHART STYLE HUMOR: [4:15] (Mary gets a phone call)

Mary: "Hello? Oh, hello Babe! When did you get into town?"

Jack: "Your sister, Babe?"

Mary: "Yeah. Oh, that's wonderful, Babe. Where are you staying while you're here? Well, be specific. Which YMCA?"

Jack: "What?"

Mary: "Well, how were things at home when you left? What? Aunt Clara had a boy? Jack, Aunt Clara had a boy."

Jack: "Aww, just what she wanted. That makes it even, doesn't it?"

Mary: "Yeah, 12 of each. Uh Babe, what are you doing in California? You have to go to San Francisco? So soon? But it seems like they just painted that bridge. Well, tell me Babe, if you're going to San Francisco, what are you doing here in Los Angeles? Lawsuit? You're gonna sue Phil Harris? But why? Oh Babe, I'm sure he doesn't mean you when he sings about The Thing. What? Your picture's on the music? Well then, maybe you've got a case."

PHIL SINGS: [6:00]

Phil Sings "The Thing"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2H6qC23RPY

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: The Sportsmen's number this week is a Lucky Strike-themed version of "The Thing".

Sportsmen:

Whenever Mr. Harris used to open up his mouth,

You knew that he was gonna sing that song about the south.

Now, just when he's been fired, and we can't remember when,

He learns a song about (Boom-boom-boom) and here we go again!

Oh, he learns a song about (Boom-boom-boom) and here we go again!

Phil Harris, we all kinda like the way you sing a song,

But don't you think it's possible to sing one song too long?

If you would change a lyric or two,

Your hope for you might like,

So, why not sing about (Boom-boom-boom), the cigarette we like?

Oh, why not sing about (Boom-boom-boom), the cigarette we like?

For deep down smoking satisfaction, Lucky is the one,

You'll never take a puff that's rough, that's why they're so much fun.

They are so mild and tastier too, you'll say 'For Goodness Sike'!

Ay, let's go light up a (Boom-boom-boom), the cigarette we like!

Oh, let's go light up a (Boom-boom-boom), the cigarette we like!

After all is said and done, it's LSMFT.

So round and firm and fully packed, and on the draw so free.

Be happy and go lucky with us, and join a [factive mike?],

And we can sing about (Boom-boom-boom), the cigarette we like!

Oh, we can sing about (Boom-boom-boom), the cigarette we like!

HARRISISM (MALAPROPISM): [10:40]

Jack: "Don, I get a much better picture of it now, but I would have enjoyed it even more if Phil's orchestra hadn't been off key."

Phil: "What do you mean off key? Now, let me tell you something, Jackson, that you may not know. Some of my musicians are symphony men. They used to be with Giannini."

Jack: "That's Toscanini! (derisively) 'Giannini'!

Phil: "A natural mistake for a chap whose wife owns the Bank of America."

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: Amadeo Giannini (1870-1949) founded the Bank of America. Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) directed the Metropolitan Opera and New York Philharmonic.

TIP JOKE: [11:00]

Jack: "Oh, just a minute, boy. Here. Here's a tip for you."

Mel: "Oh boy, a nickel! Now I can move to Beverly Hills!"

AND SHUT UP JOKE: [11:40] (Jack rehearses the answers he's going to give the columnist)

Mary: "Here's the first question. Tell me, Mr. Benny. where were you born?"

Jack: "Waukegan, Illinois, February 14, 1911."

(pause)

Jack: "Well? Go ahead, Mary. Ask me the next question."

(long pause)

Mary: "Well..."

(pause)

Mary: "All right. Mr. Benny, we've seen many pictures of you in a sailor suit. What year did you enter the Navy?"

Jack: "1917. Go ahead, Mary, next question."

Mary: "Uh, wait a minute, Jack. You were born in 1911, and went into the Navy in 1917?"

Jack: "Yes. Next question."

Phil: "Now, hold it a minute, Jackson! If you were born in 1911 and went in the Navy in 1917, you would have been only six years old!"

Jack: "Next question, Mary."

Don: "Jack, how could you possibly get into the Navy when you were only six years old??"

Jack: "I had a tough draft board, AND SHUT UP!"

THE OLD DAYS" [12:40]

Jack: "Now, go ahead, Mary. Ask me the next question!"

Mary: "Okay. Now, Mr. Benny, this is your 19th year in radio, isn't it?"

Jack: "Yes."

Mary: "Uh, who was your first sponsor?"

Jack: "Uh, Canada Dry Ginger Ale. Next question, Mary."

Mary: "Well, after they fired you, what did you..."

Jack: "Hold it! Let me see that! That's 'after they hired me'! (derisively) 'After they fired me'!"

Mary: "A natural mistake for a gal who broke down the garage door and pulled the exhaust pipe out of your mouth."

RERUN: The flashback sequence explaining how Jack met Rochester is actually a rerun of the 3/11/45 episode, in which Jack tells the same story.

TRIVIA: Jack claims to have bought his Maxwell from The Smiling Pilgrim.

TRIVIA: Rochester's driver's license was issued 3/18/37. His first appearance on the program was on 3/28/37 in the role of the Train Porter, who was not Rochester at the time, but was later retconned to have been Rochester. His license lists him as 5'10", 155 pounds, and 31 years old. Rochester really was 31 in March 1937.

CONTINUITY JOKE: In the flashback, Jack re-affirms Mary's comment that he was fired from Canada Dry, and did try to commit suicide over it. (But why he'd be thinking about this four years later is anybody's guess.) Milt Josefsberg's book suggests that it was Jack himself who went looking for another sponsor when Canada Dry had no sense of humor about his integrated commercials.

JOKE: [16:00] (Jack is blaming the cabbie for the accident)

Jack: "Here's my card. Now, I'm going to take you into court and sue you for every cent you've got in the world!"

Rochester: "You can reach in my pocket and do that."

AMOS & ANDY: Amos & Andy was a popular radio show that ran from 1928 through 1960, starring Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll. To the modern audience, it would seem like an all-black version of "King of the Hill". (for a slightly less modern audience, substitute "Li'L Abner"). It is extremely politically incorrect today, as it featured white actors playing black roles.

JOKE: [17:10]

Andy: "Listen, Amos. Do you realize that last month we lost less money than any month since we've been in business?"

Amos: "Yeah, but there's a reason for that. Last month only had 28 days in it."

Andy: "Yeah, that's right. You know, Amos, if we can find a month short enough, we're liable to break even."

Amos: "Yeah, but Andy, I still say we should wait till we start making money before we go around hiring people."

Andy: "No, no Amos. People is the thing. If we ain't got nobody working for us, we go bankrupt. There ain't gonna be nobody sorry for us but us."

Amos: "But Andy, we ain't bankrupt yet, though."

Andy: "I know, but we is getting into those long months."

Amos: "I still think that I should be out there driving that cab myself."

(the door opens)

Amos: "Here comes Rochester, your new driver."

Andy: "Hello there, Rochester. How was business this morning?"

Rochester: "Bang up, gentlemen. Bang up!"

Andy: "What do you mean?"

Rochester: "I had an accident with a man named Jack Benny."

Amos: "Jack Benny? That must be the radio comedian."

Andy: "If it is, this is really bad. He's supposed to be the cheapest man in the world."

Amos: "Cheapest man in the world?"

Andy: "Yes sir. I hear he's been so close to his money that even his skin feels like an outsider. And I also hear that he has a zipper on his wallet that has yet to make its first zip!"

JOKE: [19:00] (Jack has offered to arbitrate)

Andy: "Arbitrate happens to be the one word in the English language with which I ain't familar."

Amos: "Why don't you look it up in the dictionary there, Andy?"

Andy: "Yeah, that's what I'll do. I've got the dictionary right here. Arbitrate. R. Uh, what is the second letter?"

Rochester: "You ain't got the first one yet!"

Andy: "I know I ain't! I'll get the first letter, I'm working on the second. Now, let me see here..."

Kingfish, entering: "Well, hello there, boys. How's everything going?"

Andy: "Not so good, Kingfish. Rochester here done had an accident in the taxi cab."

Kingfish: "Well, that's bad. That was bad."

Andy: "It's worse than that. The man he had an accident with is gonna arbitrate him."

Kingfish: "Uh oh. That ain't good, boys."

Andy: "How do you know? Have you ever been arbitrated?"

Rochester: "Gentlemen, I don't think you know the meaning of the word. Let me see that dictionary. Now, I think it begins with an A. Let's see. Arbitrarily. Arbitrary. Here it is. Arbitrate: To act as an arbiter."

Amos: "Well, that's logical, yeah."

Rochester: "To mediate."

Andy: "That ain't told us nothing yet."

Rochester: "To act as an umpire."

Amos: "Well, the man wants to play baseball."

Andy: "No, no, no. Listen. Kingfish, you was thinking of umpire. This here is Umpire."

Kingfish: "Well, what is the difference?

Andy: "Well, there's baseball umpire, the British Umpire, and the Umpire State Building. Three entirely different words."

Rochester: "Ah, here it is. Arbitrate: To settle a dispute. That's it, gentleman, I think Mr. Benny wants to settle this dispute."

CONTINUITY ALERT: Despite how it looks here, Jack did not live alone in those days. He had one servant named Hong, another named Swing-hai, and an unnamed female cook who all appeared to live in his home, but were mentioned only rarely.

JOKE: [24:50] (Andy and Kingfish negotiate)

Andy: "We're going to take our cards out of our sleeves and lay 'em right on the table."

JOKE: [25:50] (Jack has a new employee)

Rochester: "Well Mr. Benny, as long as I'm working for you now, don't you think we ought to discuss money?"

Jack: "Well, yes. Yes, Rochester. What do you think would be a fair salary?"

Rochester: "I ain't gonna get that, so let's start somewhere else!"

FLUB: [28:00] (Jack finishes his story)

Jack: "Well Mary, I think the way I've got the interview is all right. I think people will be interested in the way I found Rochester."

Mary: "Well, I think so. But Jack, how could you possibly have hit his car while it was up on the grass reek?

Jack: "A natural mistake for a girl who's going back to the May Company tomorrow. Good night, folks."

NOTE: Jack has had stars from other shows playing themselves before, but this is the first time he's done a true crossover with another series.

CONTINUITY ALERT: Amos & Andy did a completely contradictory story on their own show on 11/6/1949, in which Rochester (a total stranger) comes to them for a loan.

NOTE: This is a remake of a story broadcast on 3/11/45, in which Amos & Andy also appeared. That episode appears to be lost, so there's no telling how similar the two stories are.

VERDICT: A great episode, although Jack does come off as a bit too much of a bully, threatening to sue a cab driver for an accident that was obviously his own fault. Seeing him treat total strangers that way is somehow different than seeing him do it to his own cast.

{From the December 04, 1950 issue of BROADCASTING magazine}

14. 12/10/50 MURDER AT THE RACQUET CLUB (22:39)

THE SHOW: Jack talks about his golf game, and the disappointment of sinking a 30 foot putt and finding that he sank it into an open manhole. Don congratulates Jack for popping for a hotel like the Biltmore, but Jack says he's actually staying at a nearby place called The El Poacho Motel. Jack tries to defend his choice of accommodations to Phil, who has heard of the place (nuff said!)

Mary comes in, and Jack isn't speaking to her after her "grass reek" flub of last week. Phil doesn't know what it's about, since it happened after he had left to do his own show, so Jack re-plays the recording for him. Dennis arrives, and does his routine. John L.C. Sivoney arrives, as his doctor told him to come to Palm Springs. Sivoney is staying at Bullock's Department Store, and even has a new suit, because he was so inert that the staff mistook him for a mannequin. Mary returns from the corner, where she's said "Grease Rack" 50 times, and asks to return to the program.

Jack introduces the play as the 1950 version of Murder at the Racquet Club. Gus Kettman, the Palm Springs Chief of Police arrives to protest the fact that every time Jack does his Palm Springs murder mysteries, they take place at the Racquet Club, where in fact no murders ever happen.

The play begins.

THE PLAY: [14:40] "Murder at the Racquet Club", or "Get a Load of Those Prices".

Captain O'Benny is trying to shape up his men, when Mary calls to report the murder of Townshend T. Fletcher.

The Sportsmen sing their song as Jack and his men travel to the scene of the crime. They question the Racquet Club lifeguard (Mel), and Racquet Club owner Charlie Farrell, star of "7th Heaven". Farrell claims to have been in Hollywood all day doing "7th Heaven" re-takes. Farrell tearfully denies committing the murder, even though no one is accusing him, simply because he enjoys doing dramatic scenes. Eddie Cantor walks in out of nowhere, and the sketch somehow trails off into nothingness.

MISSING REGULAR CAST:

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Eddie Cantor, Frank Fontaine, Charlie Farrell, Gus Kettman

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt

DON'S INTRO:

Don: "Ladies and gentlemen, this week Jack Benny is in Palm Springs for the sole purpose of fun and relaxation. Every morning he can be seen playing golf at the McDonnell Golf Course."

Jack: "Yesterday I was two under par."

Don: "Every afternoon, he can be seen playing tennis at the Biltmore."

Jack: "My backhand is sensational."

Don: "And every evening he can be seen playing his violin on Steak Rides."

Jack: "I murdered them with Mexicali Rose."

Don: "And here he is, our tumbling tumbleweed, Jack Benny!"

JOKE: [2:15] (Jack is staying at another sleazy dive to save money)

Don: "I never heard of the El Poacho, Phil. Where is it?"

Phil: "Well Donsey, do you know where the Desert Retreat is?"

Don: "Yes."

Phil: "Well, the El Poacho is where it retreated from!"

Jack: "All right, listen, the El Poacho may not be swanky, but it's comfortable. I'll admit that my room may not have electricity or running water..."

Don: "No electricity or running water? Well Jack, on these chilly nights, do you have heat?"

Jack: "No, no. But if I get in bed by 8 o'clock, it's still warm from the fellow who just got out."

CONTINUITY ALERT: When Mary comes in, Jack tries to ignore her and go straight to a band number. Since The Sportsmen arrived several years ago, they really don't do band numbers as such any more, even when they're doing "The Show" in studio. But they still occasionally talk about doing them.

FLUB: [3:10] (Mary returns from her timeout)

Jack: "All right, Mary. You can sit down now. Phil, let's have a band number."

Phil: "Wait a minute, Jackson. You didn't even give Livvie a chance to do her routine. She comes in, says Hello, and you push her away from the microphone."

Jack: "Phil, I know what I'm doing. Let's have a band number."

Don: "Jack, you're not pushing Mary for that little mistake that she made on last week's program."

Jack: "'Pushing, did you say?? That's punishing! Nobody reads on this program!"

NOTE: Jack plays a phonograph record of Mary's flub last week. This is reminiscent of the 11/13/1949 episode in which he brought along records of all the casts recent flubs, to play at a cast meeting.

CONTINUITY ALERT: [5:10]

Mary: "But Jack..."

Jack: "Don't 'But Jack' me! Just when I'm getting over Chiss Wheeze Sandwich, you come up with a new one!"

NOTE: The last is a reference to the 10/27/1946 episode in which Mary went into a diner and ordered a "Chiss Wheeze" sandwich.

JOKE: [6:00] (Phil and Jack are at it again)

Jack: "Well, that's a snappy retort, coming from a man whose eyes stick out like the tail of a Greyhound bus."

Phil: "Now, wait a minute, Mexicali Rose. hold it."

Jack: "What"

Phil: "I don't think that's a very nice thing to say to a man who's tapering off."

Jack: "Tapering off?"

Phil: "I certainly am tapering off. You can't just stop in mid stream. You've got to drop your anchor a bit."

Jack: "Oh, of course. Of course."

Phil: "And it wasn't easy. When I got to Palm Springs last Wednesday, I made up my mind that each day I was going to drink a little less. And I stuck to it. As a matter of fact, today is my fifth day."

Jack: "Really?

Phil: "Yep, today I'm down to a fifth."

Jack: "Really? Gee, you used to spill that much!"

DENNIS' ROUTINE: Dennis arrives in Palm Springs, but thinks he's in Las Vegas. He tries to borrow money from Jack to play the slot machines, which turn out to be parking meters. This explains why he saw one guy win a Cadillac at one. Dennis is also staying at the El Poacho, in Jack's own room, in fact, and reveals that Jack left a mash note in his boots, thinking they belonged to a woman.

CONTINUITY ALERT: Sivoney leaves to go marry one of the mannequins he'd met in the store window. In previous episodes, Sivoney has made reference to being married, but that his wife threw him out of the house.

JOKE: [11:50] (Mary was sent to time-out)

Mary: "Jack?"

Jack: "What?

Mary: "I said "Grease Rack" 50 times. Can I come back on the program now?"

NOTE: The Palm Springs Racquet Club is owned by Charlie Farrell, the star of "7th Heaven" (1927). This is mentioned several times as a comedy plug.

JOKE: [13:20]

Jack: "Why do you object to my doing murder mysteries? Don't you ever have murders here?"

Kettman: "Very rarely. We only have minor troubles. Like this morning. We had to chase a skunk that was running around on someone's lawn."

Jack: "Well, did you finally get the skunk off the lawn?"

Kettman: "Yes, but boy, did that grass reek."

JOKE: [14:20]

Jack: "Chief! Chief, don't point that gun at me! It might go off!"

Kettman: "Don't worry. It's loaded with dates."

Jack: "Your gun is loaded with dates?"

Kettman: "Whenever I get hungry, I play Russian Roulette."

NOTE: The Coachella Valley is famous for its dates.

JOKE: [16:00]

Jack: "Do you realize that for the last few years Palm Springs has been the most popular resort in the entire country? And do you know why it's so popular?"

Dennis: "No television."

THE OLD DAYS: [16:40]

Mary: "This is Mitzy LaRue, and I'd like to report a murder."

Jack: "A murder? who was killed."

Mary: "Townshend T. Fletcher."

Jack: "Ah, the rich Andy Devine."

NOTE: Andy was a semi-regular on Jack's show in the late 1930's. Farrell was honorary mayor of Palm Springs, while Devine had been Honorary Mayor of Van Nuys.

JOKE: [17:00] (Mary reports a murder)

Jack: "Three o'clock this afternoon, eh? Was the murdered man shot?

Mary: "Uh uh."

Jack: "Poisoned?"

Mary: "Uh uh."

Jack: "Strangled?"

Mary: "Uh uh."

Jack: "Then how did he die?

Mary: "The sun went down and he froze to death."

Jack: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute, that isn't murder."

Mary: "It isn't?"

Jack: "No."

(gunshot)

Mary: "Are you happy now?"

Jack: "Yes, I'll be right over."

SPORTSMEN QUARTET:

In between scenes, the Sportsmen sing new verses of "Be Happy Go Lucky".

[17:50]

Captain Benny's on his way to solve the murder case,

He's a rootin', tootin', shootin' guy with a holster trimmed with lace.

JOKE [19:00]

Captain Benny's at the club to solve this mystery,

and if he can't, we'll lose our job with LSMFT.

(it trails off here)

JOKE: [18:10]

Jack: "Where is the body?"

Mary: "Here I am, Chiefie."

Jack: "I mean the dead one."

Mary: "Gee, it was here a few minutes ago. It must have disappeared during the excitement."

Jack: "What excitement?"

Mary: "A few minutes ago a skunk ran across the lawn, and boy, did that grease rack."

Jack: "That's grass reek!"

Mary: "Make up your mind!"

JOKE: [21:50] (Jack makes an arrest)

Jack: "Well Farrell, I'm going to have to take you to the Police Department for questioning."

Charlie: "Oh, I wish you wouldn't. if I'm arrested, it would be the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me in all my 39 years."

Jack: "39? How can you say you're 39?? Look at your hair! It's grey!

Charlie: "I know, but it's mine."

Jack: "Oh yeah? Let me see the sales slip!"

JOKE: [22:20] (Eddie Cantor crashes the sketch)

Jack: "Eddie Cantor? What's the matter with you? You've got no business barging in here and ruining my sketch."

Eddie: "Well, that's the most insulting thing that's ever been said to me in all my 39 years."

Jack: "Jack: "You?? You're 39?

Eddie: "Yeah, and so are Ida and my nine kids."

Jack: "Gee, when I started it, I didn't think it would catch on like this. Play, Phil."

VERDICT: Good in-studio action. The follow-up to the "grass reek" flub is good, but the play is completely forgettable.

15. 12/17/50 JACK BUYS DON GOLF TEES FOR CHRISTMAS (29:16)

SITCOM: At Jack's home, Rochester is getting ready to go do his Christmas shopping. He finds a letter from Jack asking for a train, but finds it addressed to Santa Fe, rather than Santa Claus. The Beverly Hills Department Store calls. Jack is there, applying for their credit card, and need Rochester to identify him. At the store, Jack receives credit approval, and goes out to do his shopping. Jack and Mary split up. Mary leaves to buy gloves and a Lady Ester makeup kit for Babe.

Jack decides to buy a watch for Mary. Jack tries to find the watch counter, but the floor walker (Frank Nelson) is as unhelpful as always. Jack manages to find it anyway, and chooses the $12 watch over the $120 one. The clerk tells him that the watch has an unbreakable crystal, and invites him to hit it with a hammer to test it. Jack shatters the crystal with the hammer, and calls the floorwalker over when the clerk refuses to return his money. Jack manages to get his money back, with great difficulty. At another counter, Mary is buying suede gloves. The clerk is Blanche Noodnik, one of Mary's old colleagues at the May Company, though which of them is doing better is open to interpretation.

Jack tries to decide what to buy Don. Last night he had intended to buy gold cufflinks, but the four glasses of sherry he'd had have worn off, so Jack searches for the handkerchief counter. He meets the Racetrack Tout, but they pass in the night. For now.

Elsewhere, Phil is doing his shopping, and meets the same salesgirl from Alabama that he met last year. He buys two sheer negligees, one for Alice, one for himself.

Jack and Mary meet up. Since Don has been playing a lot of golf lately, Jack decides to buy golf tees for him. Mary reminds Jack that he had planned to get a present for Little Stevie, the President of the Beverly Hills Beavers. Jack goes to the toy department, and meets the Stevedore Salesclerk. The clerk tries to sell Jack a "chim"-istry set, but Jack is looking for a Buck Rogers gun. He finds one, but a spring pops out of the gun when Jack tries to cock it. The clerk claims Jack broke the gun, and calls Mr. Nelson over to get him to pay for it, which Jack actually agrees to do.

Jack tries to ride the elevator to the mezzanine, and encounters the Tout, who tries to convince Jack to change elevators. Once in the elevator, Jack notices that there are four elevator operators, who turn out to be The Sportsmen, singing their latest number. They manage to get Jack to the mezzanine, but take the scenic route.

On the mezzanine, Jack meets Mr. Kitzle, who is buying a coat for his wife, and a TV set. Oddly, all of his favorite shows seem to be Jewish-flavored knockoffs of popular shows. Jack encounters Don himself, doing his own Christmas shopping. Nearby, Dennis is doing his own shopping, and plugging his own public appearances in the process.

Jack makes it to sporting goods. However, the clerk is Mel Blanc, the same guy that Jack drove nuts four years ago when he bought shoelaces for Don, and kept exchanging the plastic tipped type for the metal tipped type, and vice versa. Jack buys Don a set of golf tees this time. But when he seems unsure about whether or not he prefers the wooden tees to the celluloid tees, Mel breaks down into a rage, before Jack has made a single exchange.

TAG: "Good night, everybody." They must have been running late.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Herb Vigran, Veola Vonn

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Frank Nelson, Bea Benaderet, Joseph Kearns, Artie Auerbach, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", Sheldon Leonard, Blanche Stewart

MINOR ROLES: Elliott Lewis, Del Sharbutt,

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

She:

My Christmas List is quite complete, I wrote it with great ease,

I simply said 'A hundred packs of LSMFT'.

He:

I'm Santa Claus, I'm working hard, I'm filling up my sleigh,

With milder, richer Lucky Strikes to brighten Christmas Day.

She:

If you have smokers on your list, then take a tip from me,

In cigarettes tobacco counts, and LSMFT.

He:

Give Lucky cartons to your friends, they're gaily decked with holly,

And filled with greater smoking joy to make this Christmas jolly.

DON'S INTRO: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. At the moment, Jack is out doing his Christmas shopping, and Rochester is just leaving to do his."

JACK'S BILLING: [2:50]

Rochester: "Mr. Benny's residence. Star of stage, screen and radio, and will tell you what The Thing is for 50 cents."

JOKE: [3:00] (The Credit Manager of the Department Store Owner asks Rochester to identify Jack)

Manager: "Hello, this is the Credit Manager of the Beverly Hills Department Store."

Rochester: "Yes?"

Manager: "There's a Mr. Jack Benny in my office opening a charge account, and I'm merely calling to verify his identification."

Rochester: "I'll be happy to answer any questions."

Manager: "Thank you. First, would you give me a general description of Mr. Benny?"

Rochester: "Yes sir. He's got muscles like Burt Lancaster, shoulders like Clark Gable, and a chest like Victor Mature."

Manager: "Uh... wait a minute. Does he look like that to YOU?"

Rochester: "Yes, but after Christmas he shrinks a little."

JACK'S EYES: [3:40]

Manager: "For his actual description, is he about 5'9"?"

Rochester: "Uh huh."

Manager: "Does he weigh about 160?"

Rochester: "Uh huh."

Manager: "Are his eyes blue?"

Rochester: "Bluer than a cork in a bottle of grape juice."

RUNNING JOKE: There is a running joke in this episode Jack having money in the Banks of the Wabash, which he buried there as a boy. Rochester tells Mr. Kearns that this is one of the banks where Jack has money. Later, Jack sings "On the Banks of the Wabash" to himself, and muses about whether anyone has dug there lately.

JOKES YOU COULDN'T TELL TODAY: [4:45]

Jack: "I can't understand one thing about women. All year long they're so helpless. You have to open the door for them. They can't light their own cigarettes. They cling to your arm as you walk down the street. They're as delicate as butterflies. And then, about two weeks before Christmas, a mad glint comes into their eyes. Armed with umbrellas for gouging, and handbags for slugging, they march down Wilshire boulevard, yelling 'Hit 'em again! Hit 'em again! Harder! Harder!'"

JOKE/FLUB: [7:00]

Jack: "I'd like to look at a watch, please."

Salesgirl: "Is it for a man, a woman or a dog?"

Jack: "A dog?

Salesgirl: "This is Beverly Hills, you know."

Jack: "Well, I want a ladies rich... wristwatch... Not a rich one, a ladies wristwatch."

TOPICAL HUMOR: (At the watch counter)

Salesgirl: "Now, here's our new Senator McCarthy model. It has only one hand on it.

One hand? How do you tell time?

Salesgirl: "Every hour it comes up and slugs you."

JOKE: [8:00] (At the Watch Counter)

Jack: "Say, here's an awfully nice one. I think Mary would really like this."

Salesgirl: "That's $120."

Jack: "Oh. With that fly speck, I thought it said 12."

Salesgirl: "They warned me about you! Put down that fly!"

JOKE: [8:30] (Jack has bought a watch. He seems to fall for this same joke year after year.)

Jack: "Say, this watch is a beauty."

Salesgirl: "It certainly is. And it has an unbreakable crystal. Here, try it out."

Jack: "No, no, I'll take your word for it."

Salesgirl: "Go ahead. Take this little hammer and hit it."

Jack: "No, I don't think I ought to, really."

Salesgirl: "Go ahead! That's why we keep this little hammer here."

Jack: "Well... All right."

(sound of breaking glass)

Jack: "Hmmm."

Salesgirl: "Shall I wrap it up now?"

Jack: "Wrap it up?? You mean sweep it up! And give me back my $12!"

Salesgirl: "Oh, I'm sorry, but I cannot return your money."

Jack: "Oh, you can't, eh? I'll get my money back if I have to..."

Salesgirl: "Just a moment. Oh, Mr. Nelson?"

Frank: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeees??"

Jack: "Oh, him again!"

Frank: "What is it, Miss Valence?"

Salesgirl: "This man broke a watch with a hammer, and he wants his money back."

Jack: "Well, certainly I broke the watch, but she told me to!"

Frank: "She told you to??"

Jack: "Yes.

Frank: "Well, haven't you got a mind of your own??"

Jack: "Well, certainly I have a mind of my own, but this young lady told me it was unbreakable."

Frank: "Young?? Why, she's 42 if she's a day!"

Jack: "We're not arguing about that! I want my money back."

Frank: "Oh, give it to him, Miss Valence, before he bites somebody!"

Salesgirl: "Here you are. BOY, what a sore loser!"

JOKE: [10:30] (Mary meets an old friend)

Salesgirl: "You used to work at the May Company, didn't you?"

Mary: "Yes, I did."

Salesgirl: "Well, don't you remember me? Blanche Noodnik?"

Mary: "Oh, yes. You sold garbage disposals."

Salesgirl: "That's right."

Mary: "How come you left?"

Salesgirl: "I had to quit. Salesgirls were disappearing right and left. Anyway Mary, since you left the May company, you sure have gone up."

Mary: "I've gone but you have your directions mixed."

JOKE: [10:30]

Jack: "I'm going to buy Don's present first. But I don't know what to get for him."

Mary: "Why Jack, I thought that was settled. Last night when we were all at Cirro's, you put your arm around Don and said "Donsie, you've been such a pal to me that this Christmas I'm going to give you a pair of diamond cufflinks."

Jack: "Last night I had four glasses of sherry, I'm all right now, so where's the handkerchief counter?"

JOKE: [11:30]

Jack: "Pardon me, can you tell me the time?"

Dog: "Bark! Bark! Bark!"

Jack: "Thank you, it's three o'clock."

Mary: "Well, what do you know? A Clocker Spaniel."

JOKE: [12:00]

Alabama Salesgirl: "Well, heavens to Jefferson Davis, if it ain't little old Phil Harris!"

Phil: "Yeah, that's me! They purchased Louisiana because I was in it!"

CONTINUITY JOKE: [14:20]

Mary: "Hey Jack look at that cute little toy gas station. It's got a grease rack and everything."

Jack: "Yeah, you got it right this time!"

BUCK ROGERS: There was a time when Buck Rogers would have needed no introduction, but that's probably not true any more. Buck, along with Flash Gordon was one of the first space heroes, and the predecessor to Captain Kirk and Buzz Lightyear. Buck first appeared in Amazing Stories in 1928, had his own radio show by 1932, and was most famous for a 1939 serial starring Buster Crabbe. A new Buck Rogers TV show premiered in 1950, which may account for the plug Jack gives it here. No episodes of this show are still known to exist. Buck last appeared in a 1979 television series, which featured Mel Blanc (in one of his few annoying roles) as the robot Twiki. "Bidi-bidi-bidi, Gee Buck!" (If they were going to pick a Benny veteran for that role, it really should have gone to Andy Devine).

RACETRACK TOUT: [18:00] (Jack is trying to take the elevator)

Jack: "Gee, all the elevators are up. Number 5 is coming down. I'll take that one."

Tout: "Hey, Bud. Bud."

Jack: "Who, me?"

Tout: "Yeah, yeah. C'mere a minute."

Jack: "What do you want?"

Tout: "Where are you going?"

Jack: "Upstairs."

Tout: "Which elevator are you taking?"

Jack: "Number 5."

Tout: "Uh uh."

Jack: "What?"

Tout: "Take Number 3."

Jack: "Number 3?"

Tout: "It'll beat 5 to the top by two and a half floors."

Jack: "But Number 5 is about to go up."

Tout: "I know, but she's carrying too much weight."

Jack: "Well, I don't know what to do. What about Number 1?"

Tout: "Number 1 is a local, it can't go the distance."

Jack: "How about Number 2?"

Tout: "Slow starter."

Jack: "Oh."

Tout: "Now, be smart and take Elevator Number 3. Just look at the breeding."

Jack: "The breeding?"

Tout: "It's by General Electric out of Otis."

Jack: "Well, it really doesn't make any difference, I'm only Christmas shopping."

Tout: "Well okay, it's your dough."

(the Tout leaves)

Jack: "I wonder where he gets his information??"

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: The Sportsmen appear as elevator operators, singing a Lucky-Strike themed version of Jingle Bells.

JOKE: [22:00] (Jack meets Mr. Kitzle doing his shopping)

Jack: "What's in that big package there?"

Kitzle: "Well, theese ees a beautiful fur coat, and I'm bringing eet home to my wife."

Jack: "Well, that's nice. Is it fox or sable?"

Kitzle: "On de label eets sable, on de box eets fox."

Jack: "Are you getting any other presents?"

Kitzle: "Yes, I'm also getting for de whole family a television set."

Jack: "Well, that's wonderful. There are a lot of good programs on now."

Kitzle: "Yes, and I'm such a fan. Now I can stay home and watch Ed Solomon's Toast of the Town. Martin Cohen, Private Eye. Kukla, Fran and Molly. But my favorite of all is Faye Eddleson."

Jack: "That's Emerson. Emerson."

Kitzle: "Emerson, Eddleson, she sends me!"

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: The shows Kitzle refers to are Ed Sullivan, Martin Kane - Private Eye, and Kukla Fran and Ollie. In 1950, Fay Emerson appeared on The Philco-Goodyear Television Playhouse, The Billy Rose show, and The Chevrolet Tele-Theatre, as well as Jack's show, so she made the rounds.

JOKE: [23:00]

Jack: "Oh, by the way, Mary, did you finish your shopping?"

Mary: "Yes, I just got my sister Babe a Max Factor makeup kit."

Jack: "Max Factor? I thought you said you were going to get Babe a Lady Esther."

Mary: "If we can just get her to look like Max it will be an improvement."

WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: Jack sells Christmas cards. Don bought four dozen this year.

JOKE: [23:40] (Don guesses his present)

Jack: "Well Don, it's quite a coincidence running into you because I was just on my way to buy your present.

Don: "Oh, really Jack? What are you getting me"?

Jack: "See if you can guess, Don."

Don: "Well now, let's see. A sports shirt?"

Jack: "No."

Don: "A silk robe?"

Jack: "No."

Don: "A movie camera."

Jack: "No."

Don: "Am I getting warm?"

Mary: "Like Admiral Byrd."

Jack: "Mary, please. Keep guessing, Don."

Don: "Gold cufflinks!"

Jack: "No, no. Keep guessing."

Don: "Aw jack, you're such a tease."

Mary: "That's it!"

JOKE: [24:20]

Dennis: "Gee, I wish I knew what to buy my mother for a Christmas Present."

Clerk: "Your mother?"

Dennis: "Yeah. Oh, I know. I'll get her one of these. What size is this one?

Clerk: "38."

Dennis: "No, that'll be a little too small. What size is this one here?

Clerk: "That's a 44."

Dennis: "Oh, that's fine. Put some bullets in it and wrap it up."

CONTINUITY ALERT: Mel says it was 5 years ago that Jack bought shoelaces and kept exchanging them. In fact, it was 4 years ago.

VERDICT: Like most Christmas Shopping shows, a great episode. The only disappointment is that the running joke of Jack constantly going back to Mel's counter to exchange Don's gift only has time for a cameo appearance this year.

16. 12/24/50 BEAVERS COME OVER TO JACK'S FOR CHRISTMAS (22:56)

SITCOM: Jack and Rochester are setting the table for Jack's dinner party. Jack tries to teach Polly to say Merry Christmas, rather than Merry Livingstone, and does so by threatening to cut off Polly's eggnog supply. At Mary's house, Pauline is helping Mary get dressed for the party. Back at the house that Jack built, Jack talks about Phil's band is coming over, and trades stories about Phil's boys.

In Phil's car, Phil and Remley are driving to the party. Remley starts to hit on a woman on the street corner until he realizes it's his aunt. At Jack's, Rochester asks to leave early for a date. Mary comes over, and Jack admires her low cut dress in a very G-rated way. Jack maneuvers Mary under the mistletoe. Mary allows a kiss, and Jack and Mary inspect the place settings. At Don's house, Lois is helping Don get dressed up as Santa Claus. The Sportsmen arrive to sing their song. Jack goes down to his vault to get cash for the party. Ed meets Mary, but seems to have some trouble grasping what a girl is. Jack gives Ed a pair of sunglasses for Christmas. Jack and Mary go back upstairs to prepare for the arrival of the Beverly Hills Beavers, which Jack has also invited over.

At the Beavers Clubhouse, the kids are having a meeting about Jack's Christmas present. At Dennis' house, his mother is helping him get ready for the party. Lucretia is hoping Dennis can get Jack drunk at the party, in order to get a raise. Lucretia is hesitant to crash the party without an invitation, but Dennis told Jack he was bringing her when he bought the tickets. At Jack's house, the whole gang arrives at once. Lucretia corners Jack under the mistletoe. Jack kisses her but only through the miracle of sound effects. Don tries to play Santa Claus, but gets stuck in the chimney. Jack has everyone gather around to hear a medley of Christmas songs, which we don't get to hear, as the program ends at that point.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Verna Felton, Doris Singleton

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Joseph Kearns, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Lois Corbett, Elliott Lewis, Johnny McGovern, Del Sharbutt, Jeff Silver, Stuffy Singer

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, here it is Christmas Eve, and like so many others throughout the country, Jack Benny is preparing a dinner party for his many friends. At the moment he's setting the table in his living room. Rochester is helping him."

JOKE: [0:30]

Jack: "You know, Rochester, that's the biggest Christmas tree we've ever had."

Rochester: "Yeah, it must have grown a foot this last year."

JOKE: [2:50] (At Mary's House)

Mary: "I want you to be especially careful with that glass fruit bowl my sister Babe sent me."

Pauline: "Why? Is it very valuable?"

Mary: "No, it's not expensive, but she blew it herself."

BABE JOKE: [3:00] (At Mary's House)

Mary: "Well, I better hurry over to Jack's house. He'll be expecting me."

Pauline: "Say. Do you think Phil Harris will be there tonight?

Mary: "Yes, Pauline. You've still got that crush on him, haven't you?"

Pauline: "Uh huh. Gee, miss Livingstone, how I envy you. Sitting at the same table that he'll be under!"

JOKE: [4:40] (Jack and Rochester discuss the seating arrangements)

Jack: "And I think we better have Remley in here too. If I put him in the kitchen, it might hurt his feelings. He's so sensitive."

Rochester: "Mr. Remley sensitive?"

Jack: "Oh, he is, Rochester. Once during our program, I made a crack about him, and it made him so upset he dealt the piano player six cards."

JOKE: [5:10] (In Phil's car)

Remley: "What time does Benny want us to get over to his house, anyway?"

Phil: "6:30."

Remley: "6:30? Ain't that kind of early for a party?"

Remley: "Not if you want to see him. He goes to bed at 9."

JOKE: [6:00] (In Phil's car)

Phil: "What did you get your father?"

Remley: "Well, I thought that instead of getting him the usual type of gift, it might be better if I just called Dad up and talked to him."

Phil: "Wait a minute. You can't call him up."

Remley: "Yes I can. He's a trustee now."

JOKE: [7:30] (Rochester has a date tonight)

Jack: "I thought you told me you were through with women since your last girl ran off and married another man."

Rochester: "Well, she really loved me, but she married him on account of money."

Jack: "Oh, was he rich?"

Rochester: "No, but he had SOME."

NOTE: Page 145 of Milt Josefsberg's book lists the previous, in a chapter entitled "Jack's Favorite Jokes".

JOKE: [9:30] (In a previous scene, Mary's dress was described as "low cut")

Jack: "Say! Say, that sure is a sensational dress you're wearing. Wow!"

Mary: "I know, Jack. I really couldn't afford it, but it was so beautiful I bought it on the installment plan."

Jack: "Really? How many more payments do you have to make before they give you the rest of it?"

JOKE: [10:30] (Don gets ready for the party)

Lois: "I'll never forget our honeymoon in Hawaii. Oh, it was so divine. Lying on the beach at Waikiki, watching the moon come up over your stomach."

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: [10:40] (The Sportsmen uncork new, unscheduled verses of Be Happy Go Lucky.)

Merry Christmas to you both, and what a happy day,

It makes us feel so very glad that we just have to say,

[Chorus]

Mr. Benny's dinner parties are a thing to see.

His table's bare, but you won't care, cause there's LSMFT.

[Chorus]

Jack is such a perfect host, and he'll play Love in Bloom,

And Phil will sing about that Thing and drive us from the room.

[Chorus]

PASSWORD: "Poody-poot-poot Poot-poot-poot."

JOKE: [14:20] (Ed has been down in the vault too long)

Ed: "Mr. Benny! Mr. Benny, who's that with you?"

Jack: "Oh. Oh, this is Miss Livingstone."

Ed: "Miss?"

Jack: "Yes. Yes, she's a girl."

Ed: "Girl?"

Jack: "Yes, that's the opposite sex."

Ed: "Sex?"

Jack: "I'll explain it to you some other time. How have you been, Ed?"

Ed: "Fine, fine. But I haven't seen you for a long time."

Jack: "Oh, I've been busy. I've been traveling a lot."

Ed: "Traveling?"

Jack: "Yes. As a matter of act, last month I went to Europe."

Ed: "Oh. Well, be careful you don't travel too far, Mr. Benny. You're liable to fall off the edge."

Jack: "No, no. No, Ed. They proved that it's round."

JOKE: [15:50] (The Beverly Hills Beavers discuss Jack's present)

Troy: "Now, don't forget Mr. Benny's present, Steve."

Steve: "I won't, Troy. Not after all the trouble I went to had getting that violin record of [?] by Jascha Heifetz."

Butch: "Why are we giving him a record by Heifetz?"

Steve: "It's sentimental, Butch. After all, Mr. Benny was his teacher and taught him all he knows."

JOKE: [18:00] (Dennis and his mom get ready for the party)

Dennis: "Oh, I'll be ready soon, mother. I'm shaving with that new electric razor you gave me for Christmas."

Lucretia: "What is taking you so long?"

Dennis: "The lather keeps clogging it up. I'm almost done, though."

Lucretia: "Oh, for heaven's sake, Dennis. You're not supposed to lather up when you use an electric razor."

Dennis: "I'm not?"

Lucretia: "No. Now, wash the soap off your face and put my brush away."

JOKE: [18:10] (Dennis and his mom get ready for the party)

Lucretia: "Now son, I want to remind you of a few things to do at the party."

Dennis: "Uh huh."

Lucretia: "Remember, it will be Christmas Eve. Mr. Benny will be in a good mood. And maybe you can get him to drink a glass of wine. And then ask him for a raise."

Dennis: "No mother, last Christmas, I tried that, but he beat me to it."

Lucretia: "What do you mean?"

Dennis: "He made me drink the wine and I took a cut."

JOKE: [18:20] (Dennis and his mom get ready for the party)

Lucretia: "Dennis. Don't annoy Mary too much."

Dennis: "What do you mean annoy? She's nuts about me."

Lucretia: "She is not."

Dennis: "She is too. Last month on my birthday, she kissed me."

Lucretia: "Did she kiss you on the forehead or the lips?"

Dennis: "Both. I was on a pogo stick."

JOKE: [19:00] (At Dennis' House}

Lucretia: "Dennis. Sometimes you act a little silly. And I... I must confess, it's probably my fault."

Dennis: "Your fault?"

Lucretia: "Yes. Many years ago when you were a little baby, I was bathing you. And I dropped you on your head."

Dennis: "Well, that's nothing. Lots of mothers drop their babies on their heads.

Lucretia: "From the third floor?"

Dennis: "Gee."

Lucretia: "Oh, I should have known there was something wrong when you bounced back up again."

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [21:00] (At Jack's party)

Jack: "Hey Phil, where are you musicians?"

Phil: "Oh, they'll be here in a few minutes. They've got a present for you."

Jack: "A present for me?"

Remley: "Yeah, the boys all chipped in and Bagby went to get it. He should be driving up any minute now."

Jack: "No kidding. A present for me? What is it?"

Remley: "You'll find out."

Phil: "Hey, I'll give you a hint, Jackson. It's something you step down into."

Jack: "Phil! A new Hudson!"

Phil: "No, a pair of shorts."

NOTE: The Hudson Motor Company manufactured a car from 1948 to 1954 that was advertised as "the car you step down into".

VERDICT: A good episode, but a little loose and unstructured. It tries to work in as many seldom seen characters as possible, and has some good lines, but rambles a bit. But overall, thumbs up to this one.

17. 12/31/50 A NEW YEAR'S FANTASY (59:36)

THE SHOW: Jack brings Phil on immediately, since this is New Years Eve, and if they wait too long, it may be too late. Phil swears he's turning over a new leaf for 1951, and eschewing drink in favor of his petunia bed, but he is discovered reading from the script for "Life Can Be Beautiful". Mary comes in with a letter from Momma, that thanks Jack for the Christmas present he sent her. Dennis arrives and does his routine. Jack knocks the band, but Phil insists he's augmenting it for 1951, with a slew of new musicians, from a harpist to a chiropodist.

Rochester calls from the Esquire Club on Central Avenue, on the first leg of his nightly pub hopping. Jack starts to introduce the play, but Don insists on doing a commercial first. The Sportsmen do their number. When Jack wishes them Happy New Year, the Sportsmen actually speak for the first time, albeit only one syllable apiece. Afterwards, the play begins.

PLAY: "The New Tenant", or "Goodbye '50, Hello '51". "The New Tenant" is the latest installment of a long-running series of New Years plays. As I make it, this is at least the 7th installment, with previous plays being done to celebrate 1939, 1941, 1943, 1944, 1945, and 1948. There may be others that I've forgotten, haven't heard, or just plain blocked out. I devoted a lot of time to slamming "The New Tenant" in the 1938-9 notes, and there's no need to belabor the point too much, other than to say that it's one of the few awful things Jack has ever done (maybe the only one since "The Chevrolet Program" ended).

"The New Tenant" is an allegorical fantasy, in which everyone plays the role of an idea or inanimate object, and says the kind of things those things might say if they could talk. (Jack always plays "The Old Year", Don usually plays "The World", Phil usually plays the USA, and Mary plays Uncle Sam's wife, Columbia, who has 48 children). In fact, hearing Jack try to explain the concept to Dennis or Kenny is usually the funniest part of the whole bit, but as this is Part 7, there's not much need for explanation any more. Jack always described this as being an "important" play, and maybe it was meant to be. Maybe it would have been if it had contained any really biting satire, but broadcast standards in those days prevented much of anything being said about current issues. Rod Serling once commented on the problems he faced in trying to write a scene that took place in the US Senate:

Serling: "One of the edicts that comes down from the Mount Sinai of Advertisers Row is that at no time in a political drama must a speech or character be equated with an existing political party or current political problems. Some of these problems, however, are now so hoary with age and so meaningless in modern, context that they are stamped as acceptable. Slavery, for example, can now be talked about without blushing. Suffrage is another issue that need make no one wince. The treatment of the lunatic in chains and dungeons can no longer be considered controversial. But "The Arena" took place in 1956, and no juggling of events can alter this fact. So, on the floor of the United States Senate (at least on "Studio One"), I was not permitted to have my Senators discuss any current or pressing problem. To talk of tariff was to align oneself with the Republicans; to talk of labor was to suggest control by the Democrats. To say a single thing germane to the current political scene was absolutely prohibited. So, on television in April of 1956, several million viewers got a definitive picture of television’s concept of politics and the way the government is run. They were treated to an incredible display on the floor of the United States Senate of groups of Senators shouting, gesticulating and talking in hieroglyphics about make-believe issues, using invented terminology, in a kind of prolonged, unbelievable double-talk."

See: http://www.rodserling.com/PPBintro.htm

Possibly as a result of this, the allegorical commentary in "The New Tenant" is usually limited to maudlin observations about how this old world could be doing better, yeppers. Events of the last year are sometimes referred to in the allegorical context. For example, if there was major flooding in New England this year, Jack might say something like "Remember a couple of months ago when the bath tub ran over and got New England soaking wet?" (Because The World is supposed to be the house that Jack, The Old Year, lives in, you see). It's neither insightful nor funny, and comes off like a bad school play being performed by adults (sort of like the 1957 movie "The Story of Mankind", only much, much worse) In fact, if Jack had performed it with an all-kid cast, it might have worked, but the only child actor in the play is one they bring in to play a cameo role as The New Year.

In 1938-9, I reproduced the entire script, just to prove that it didn't have a single laugh in it. I won't subject anyone to that this time, just try to hit the (relative) highlights.

For 1939, the theme song was "No Place Like Home". This year it's "Auld Lang Syne".

There's a halfway decent scene in this one where Dennis plays the role of the Russian ambassador at the UN. He had practiced doing French, English, Mexican and Russian accents before the play, but ended up doing only the Russian one. His scene in which the Russian ambassador tries to spin positive economic news into bad news is actually pretty good by New Years Fantasy standards.

In the play, we learn that Television, Faye Emerson, "Goodnight, Irene", and flying saucer sightings were big this year. For some reason, the saucer aliens sound like The Rube from Calabasas. And the really interesting thing about flying saucers is that not everybody sees them! (Profound, huh?)

Florida had a major freeze, there were coal and railroad strikes in 1950 (even though nothing can be said about them), and the Notre Dame football team has fallen on hard times.

Columbia is expecting two more children, Alaska and Hawaii. Considering that neither state was admitted until many years later, it's interesting that they were thinking about it this early.

The World is having a relapse of the old illness he suffered from, from 1914-1918 and 1939-1945, this time around his 38th Parallel. His doctor says he's suffering from too many red cells.

Uncle Sam might have to deal with high prices and taxes this next year. (Stop the presses, this is big!!)

Ralph Bunche, the grandson of a slave, won a Nobel Prize this year.

Ike Eisenhower and Doug MacArthur are helping Uncle Sam in unspecified ways.

General Walton Walker, and Al Jolson died this last year. Jack doesn't mention it, but Walker died in a traffic accident in Korea only a week before the broadcast). Jolson had made his second appearance on the Benny Show that same year, to call out Mel Blanc for his Jolson impersonation, which consisted of nothing but the word "Yaaaaaaa!".

Spoiler Alert: At the end, the old year departs at midnight, and the New Year arrives.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS:

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet, Sam Hearn

MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt, Stuffy Singer

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

He:

I've made a resolution, friends, to get more smoking fun,

I've switched to milder Lucky Strike for 1951.

She:

Ring out the old, ring in the new, a Lucky here shall be,

For we know fine tobacco counts, and LSMFT.

She:

The bells will ring, the whistles blow, to celebrate this night,

So, let's all light a Lucky Strike and start the new year right.

He: (To the tune of Auld Lang Syne)

I'm Father Time, I'm leavin' soon, so take my tip on partin',

For milder smokin', all year through, buy Luckies by the carton.

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, in a few short hours it will be 1951 and another year will have passed into history. Yes as the saying goes, time and tide wait for no man. So now we bring you a man who hasn't tried his luck with tide, but has licked time, and here he is, Jack Benny!"

NAMES FOR MOMMA:

Jack: "What does the Harriet Craig of Plainfield have to say?"

JOKE: [5:10] (Mary reads the letter from Momma)

Mary: "Please thank Jack for the present he sent us. It brightened up our whole Christmas."

Don: "What did he send them, Mary?"

Mary: "A light bulb."

Jack: "60 watt."

Mary: "Tell Jack we appreciate it very much as it goes with the socket he sent us last year."

JOKE: [6:50] (Mary reads the letter from Momma)

Mary: "P.S.: Mary, I heard the program where you said 'grass reek' instead of 'grease rack'. How could you make a mistake like that when your sister Babe runs one?"

DENNIS' ROUTINE: Dennis arrives in an odd mood, wanting to kiss Mary and down a few quick ones with Phil. He turns out to have hit his head getting off a bus, and hopes he can get the same bus going home.

JOKE: [10:50] (Rochester on his new girlfriend)

Rochester: "Boss, when she smiles, she looks like a Los Angeles landlord the day they signed de-control."

Jack: "Oh. Oh! Oh..."

Rochester: "Ad-libbin' again,eh?"

NOTE: The previous is a continuation of a running joke from earlier seasons, about Jack's supposed inability to ad-lib.

JOKE: [11:00] (Rochester heads out for his party)

Jack: "Now look, Rochester, as I said before, I want you to have a lot of fun tonight, but don't overdo it. When do you think this party will end?"

Rochester: "Well, there's no set time, Boss. People just go home as their birthdays come up."

Jack: "What?"

Rochester: "Mine's in June, so don't wait up for me."

CONTINUITY ALERT: Rochester's birthday is actually in September.

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: (The Sportsmen add another few verses to "Be Happy Go Lucky").

Jack: "Is the Sportsmen Quartet here?"

Don: "Oh yes, Jack, and they've prepared a number that's quite appropriate for the New Year. It's all about New Years Resolutions."

Jack: "Well, that's very clever. I was afraid they'd have something about the 4th of July. Go ahead, boys, let's hear it."

All:

We resolve when playing golf to never lose our temper,

We'll stop and smoke and count each stroke, we promise to remember.

[Chorus]

Sportsman 1:

When my wife demands a new fur coat just like her cousin,

I'll light a Lucky, take a puff, and say let's buy a dozen.

Sportsman 2:

When the phone awakens me, some morning from my slumber,

I promise not to blow my top, and "Sorry Pal, wrong number".

[Chorus]

Don:

Every one is making resolutions to reduce,

But as for me, I just can't see that it would be much use.

[Chorus] (with "Hippy" replacing "Happy")

All:

One more year has come and gone, and Benny's feeling fine,

When his toupee is old and grey he'll still be 39.

Here's a res-o-lution every one of you can make,

Be full of cheer, throughout the year, and then for goodness sake...

[Chorus]

JOKE: [14:30]

Mary: "Jack, how come you're getting most of the jokes on the program today?"

Jack: "My writers did that, instead of buying me a Christmas present. What cheap guys."

VERDICT: A so-so episode. The New Tenant is atrocious, although slightly less atrocious than usual, thanks to Dennis' excellent dialects. The early part of the show is decent, but not remarkable.

18. 01/07/51 LOST

[King Solomon's Mines, Part 1]

19. 01/14/51 KING SOLOMON'S MINES PART TWO (23:52)

SITCOM: Henry (Mel) and his wife, Kelly are sitting by the radio, when a call comes from the "Take It And Go" quiz program. By answering the question "Who discovered America?", Mel wins scads of big prizes, and then hangs up before collecting them, because Jack's program is coming on, and they're doing the second episode of "King Solomon's Mines" this week! And the first episode is lost, so he daren't miss this one! Mel turns on his radio:

THE SHOW: Jack objects to Don confusing the public by introducing him as "Allan Quatermain". After all, the play doesn't go on until later, and not everyone is here yet, only Dennis, Jack and Phil.

Jack has Don call his house to see if their guest star, Deborah Kerr (who appeared in the movie version of "King Solomon's Mines") has left the house with Mary and Rochester yet.

SITCOM: Rochester is in the car, driving Mary and Deborah to the program. Mary asks Deborah how Jack compares with Stewart Granger, who played Quatermain in the movie. The Maxwell starts losing pieces as they drive, but at least they have a trail to find their way back home again.

THE SHOW: Jack is worried that Mary and Deborah haven't arrived (You know, most shows have the entire cast assembled before they go on the air. I'm just sayin'…) Jack starts to ask Dennis to sing, when he's interrupted by a knock at the door. No, it's not The Knocking Man!, it's John L.C. Sivoney, who has actually gotten a job, as an usher at Grauman's Chinese Theater. The story sounds a lot like all his other stories, but manages to be entertaining, nevertheless.

Sivoney leaves, and Dennis sings "The Tennessee Waltz" (cut).

Mary and Deborah Kerr arrive, and the play begins.

THE PLAY: "King Solomon's Mines", Part 2, presented by the Jack Benny Jungle Art Players, based on "King Solomon's Mines" (1950), starring Stewart Granger and Deborah Kerr, and based on the book of the same name by Rider Haggard. As often happens with Jack's plays, the plot is hard to follow for those who haven't already seen the movie. Jack is a safari guide about to return to England when Deborah Kerr hires him to find her lost uncle (he's in darkest Africa, so they probably pack extra flashlights). Eighteen days later, they're slogging through the jungle when they come to a cannibal village. The food not only costs, but CONSISTS of an arm and a leg, so they press on. Jack fights a lion in the jungle. They come to another village, where they're met by a native princess who presumes she's the daughter of Dr. Livingstone. Jack and Deborah nearly get served for dinner, until Jack buys their freedom by supplying the entire cannibal tribe with Lucky Strikes. The natives sing their appreciation, and turn out to be the Sportsmen Quartet. (Didn't they already have plenty of Luckies all these years? I'm confused.)

For two more weeks they continue on towards King Solomon's Mines (I thought they were looking for a lost uncle??). They've been making bad time, so Dennis lightens their load by pouring all the water out of the canteens. When they arrive at King Solomon's Mines, they meet a native (Mel), who informs them that Deborah's uncle was there but has already rescued, so Jack decides to end it like all pictures, and falls in love with Deborah.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Phil Harris

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Frank Fontaine

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Artie Auerbach, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet, Blanche Stewart

MINOR ROLES: Jerry Hausner, Deborah Kerr, Del Sharbutt

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

[Closing Credits only survive]

He:

My girl is quite a movie fan, with Luckies I will teach her,

That richer taste and mildness make a perfect double feature.

She:

There's only standing room tonight and that's a happy fact,

The movie's like a Lucky Strike, So firm and fully packed.

DON'S INTRO: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you the star of our show, that intrepid guide to the jungles of dark Africa, Allan Quatermain!"

NOTE: Mel must be the first person in history to listen to Jack's show for the plays.

JOKE: [1:45]

Dennis: "Oh, I know you're the star of the show, and I want you to know I appreciate everything you did for me."

Jack: "Well, thanks kid."

Dennis: "You gave me the opportunity. You guided me and taught me everything I know."

Jack: "Oh, Dennis, please."

Dennis: "Oh no, no, no, no. I'm not the kind who forgets. You picked me up 12 years ago when I had nothing."

Jack: "Aww, Dennis."

Dennis: "And now I have $38."

Jack: "$38?"

Dennis: "Which I saved from my own show."

JOKE: [3:20] (Rochester is driving Mary and Deborah to the broadcast)

Mary: "Tell me, Deborah. How would you compare Jack to Stewart Granger?"

Deborah: "Well Mary, I don't think comparisons are fair. I mean, after all, look at their ages. Stewart Granger is 32, and seven years makes a lot of difference."

Mary: "Seven years? Did Jack tell you he was 39?"

Deborah: "No, 25."

Mary: "Oh no. If Jack gets any younger, CBS won't have to buy him, they can adopt him."

JOKE: [3:50] (Rochester is driving Mary and Deborah to the broadcast)

Mary: "Deborah, how did rehearsal go yesterday?"

Deborah: "Oh, fine Mary. Jack is wonderful to work with. But we have one love scene where we're supposed to kiss, and I asked him to cut it."

Mary: "Why?"

Deborah: "Well, with his glasses, when you get that close to him you feel like you're window shopping."

RUNNING JOKE: There's a running joke in this episode about how Jack would kill himself if he didn't have his cast members to back him up. Examples at 2:30, and 4:30.

JOKE: [4:50] (Rochester is driving Mary and Deborah to the broadcast)

Mary: "I wish Jack would get a new car. This thing is awful."

Deborah: "I think it rides quite smoothly, considering that the rear wheels are so much larger than the front ones. By the way, what's that shotgun doing on the front seat?"

Rochester: "This used to be a stagecoach."

JOKE: [5:40] (Rochester is driving Mary and Deborah to the broadcast)

Mary: "Rochester, we lost a fender, a hubcap and a tail light."

Rochester: "I know."

Deborah: "Well, aren't you concerned about all those things falling off the car?"

Rochester: "No, this is the molting season!"

JOKE: [6:20] (Dennis thinks Mary and Deborah are both in love with him)

Jack: "Dennis, how can you say such stupid, idiotic things. "Both nuts about you". Mary thinks you're a silly kid, and Deborah doesn't even care."

Dennis: "That's Kerr.

Jack: "Now, cut that out!!"

RUNNING JOKE: There is a running joke through this episode of "care" and "Kerr" being confused.

JOKE: [7:15] (Sivoney gets a job)

Jack: "An usher at Grauman's Chinese, eh? Well, good, good."

Sivoney: "I sure was lucky to get it. There was a lot of people there before me. They must have been waitin' a long time!"

Jack: "Well, how do you know?"

Sivoney: "I could see their footprints in the cement!"

JOKE: [9:15]

Jack: "That was Tennessee Waltz, sung by Dennisy Day, and accompanied by a three-star Henesy orchestra. Say, that was a pretty good ad-lib, wasn't it, Dennis?"

Dennis: "Yeah, it even got a big laugh at rehearsal!"

NOTE: John Banner, aka Sergeant Hans "I See NOTHING!" Schultz, appeared in "King Solomon's Mines" as an uncredited Safari Client. And Jack mentioned "Hogan's Heroes" obliquely in his book, "Sunday Nights at Seven". Spooky, huh? It's just like that Kennedy/Lincoln thing!

NOTE: I've never seen the 1950 version of "King Solomon's Mines", but did see the 1985 Richard Chamberlain version, which seemed to suffer from a major case of Indiana Jones envy. All I remember about it is an extended chase/action scene in which Sharon Stone's shorts started around knee level and got progressively shorter as the scene progressed. They weren't going for any subtlety awards.

JOKE: [10:10] (Jack starts the play)

Jack (Voiceover): "As I was packing a beautiful girl... I mean as I was packing, a beautiful girl..."

JOKE: [10:30] (The play is still gearing up)

Jack (Voiceover): "Deborah was looking for her uncle who never returned from King Solomon's Mines. I refused to make such a perilous trip. She knelt at my feet and begged. She pleaded and cried. But I resisted her for hours. She offered me her lips. I remained stubborn. She offered me her love. I still resisted. Then suddenly, I became putty in her hands. She offered me money."

JOKE: [12:20]

Milt Josefsberg, in his book "The Jack Benny Show" tells a story about this play (pp. 178-9):

"Possibly our greatest argument with the censor on the Jack Benny series came when we did our version of the MGM movie, "King Solomon's Mines". This adventure picture with an African locale starred Deborah Kerr, and Miss Kerr also appeared in our version. When we started writing it we had so much fun that we did something that was a rarity for us - we made a "two-parter" out of the sketch. These shows were aired on January 7 and 14, 1951. In the second show, Jack, as the Great White Hunter, is guiding Miss Kerr through darkest Africa searching for King Solomon's mines, when suddenly they are captured by cannibals. Jack said, "Don't panic, Deborah, I'll amuse them. I'll tell them a limerick. They love those." Then Jack recited:

There was a galoom from Nuwaga,

Who oola magana tomaga,

He aga noo wad,

Nakowa kasad,

And booga lanoya karaga.

When Jack completed reciting this pure gibberish limerick, the actors cast as cannibals all laughed. Then the dialogue went as follows:

Jack: "It worked, it worked. They've gone."

Deborah: "That's wonderful. what was the limerick?"

Jack (shyly): "Oh, I can't tell you. It's dirty."

When the CBS censor read this he wanted us to delete it from the sequence of the script even though we assured him that the words had no meaning in any language, living or dead. He said that it didn't matter. As far as he was concerned, all limericks were dirty, and our punch line only emphasized the fact that it was a pornographic poem.

At this point, Miss Kerr gave the censor a withering look, and in tones to match she said, "Oh really now!" That did more than all our arguments. The limerick stayed in the script and was rewarded with laughter and applause, and Jack's apologetic refusal to translate it to Deborah got another big laugh."

NOTE: Josefsberg described this incident nearly perfectly, but he left out the best part. After Jack says "I can't tell you. It's dirty", there follows a voiceover, in which Jack says "It really wasn't. But I like to drive the CBS Censor nuts."

NOTE: For some reason, my copy of this episode contains the preceding incident almost exactly as Josefsberg described it, with one big exception. The actual limerick itself is cut from the recording. I guess the censor had the last word after all.

JOKE: [13:00] (In the jungle)

Jack: "You're always getting lost. I didn't see you all day yesterday."

Dennis: "Well, yesterday was Saturday."

Jack: "Well, what about it?"

Dennis: "I had to go back and do my own show."

JOKE: [13:30] (In the jungle)

Deborah: "Don't you touch me!"

Jack: "What??

Deborah: "I hate you, do you hear! Hate you, hate you, hate you!"

Jack: "But why? I'm trying to help you. Why do you hate me?

Deborah: "Because it happens in all pictures. I have to hate you first so I can fall in love with you later."

Jack (Voiceover): That didn't seem to make sense. In "The Horn Blows at Midnight", they loved me in the beginning, but hated me when it was over."

JOKE: [15:45] (In a native village)

Jack (Voiceover): The princess not only befriended us, but her whole tribe showed us their hospitality. They realized we had been travelling for days and prepared a bath for each of us. As I sat there in the big tub relaxing, they even built a big fire under it to heat the water. But I became suspicious when I reached for the soap and found out it was a potato. This was a gravy situation! My writers were also stealing from Milton Berle."

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: The Sportsmen sing a Lucky song that seems to be part quasi-Native gibberish and part "Be Happy Go Lucky".

NOTE: Deborah comments that one of the singers sounded like he came from Calabasas, so apparently Sam Hearn was in on the number too.

JOKE: [18:00] (In a Native Village)

Deborah: "We've been watching your people dancing and the one at the end of the line dances so much better than the others. Why is that?"

Native Princess: "Last week him eat Arthur Murray."

JOKE: [18:15]

Jack (Voiceover): "For the next two weeks, we travelled onwards in our efforts to reach King Solomon's Mines. And the feelings between Deborah and I had grown..."

Native: "Ooga mala naga!"

Jack (Voiceover): Oh, yes. And the feelings between Deborah and ME had grown to be more than friendship. We was in love."

JOKE: [19:10] (In the jungle)

Deborah: "Brother, why do they call that hole in the ground a Hudson Trap?"

Dennis: "Because the animals have to step down to get into it."

HUDSON: As you'll recall, Hudson was the car that you step down into. Somebody on Jack's staff really loved riffing on that slogan.

JOKE: [20:30] (Lost in the jungle)

Deborah: "We'll never reach the mines. This is the end, Quarterbrain."

Jack: "That's Quatermain."

JOKE: [21:00] (Deborah's uncle has already been rescued, making the whole expedition pointless)

Deborah: "What can we do now?"

Jack: "There's only one thing we can do. We'll finish it like all pictures. Kiss me."

Deborah: "What??"

Jack: "Come here, baby!!"

(loud applause)"

Jack: "What do you say now?"

Deborah: "Aga noowa mawa!!"

Jack: "Well, tell that to Stewart Granger, I'm going home!"

NOTE: Frank Fontaine gets a credit at the end of the show.

VERDICT: An okay episode, but not worth the fortune in cash and prizes that Mel gives up at the beginning to listen to it. The Frank Fontaine sequence is funny but formulaic. The play wanders around the jungle in search of a plot. They look for an uncle, who we know went missing at a place called King Solomon's Mines. Since we don't know where they are, it's not clear how we could know he went missing there, but no matter. The only answer is to go traipsing blindly into the jungle, and hope for pot luck (pun very much intended). Somehow they get there and find they didn't have to. It's typical of Jack's plays. Some decent jokes that they couldn't tell within the body of the program. (I love the one about reaching for the soap and finding it was a potato.) Still, part of me is of that Old School that thinks a story should have a plot. Extra credit for getting one of the actors from the movie to reprise their role. If I'd seen the movie, maybe that would mean more to me. But it is cool, though.

20. 01/21/51 LOST

[Jack Goes to the Doctor For a Checkup]

21. 01/28/51 GUEST SHOW (28:08)

SITCOM: Jack is in New York City to do his second television show. Don arrives at the Acme Plaza hotel looking for Jack, but is told he's at the Sherry Netherland, visiting Mary.

At the Sherry Netherland, Jack is marveling that one hotel could have 900 rooms, and all of them above street level. Jack wonders how they can make any money without having their rates painted on the awning. He learns that Mary is on the 34th floor, and takes the elevator up to see her, as soon as he realizes that this hotel has an elevator. Mary shows Jack around her suite, complete with dinette, clothes closet and even a certain room that can't be mentioned on radio.

Jack is especially interested in a series of buttons on the wall, used for calling the bellboy, and other functions. Jack pushes the music button, and hears Mel introducing "Pizzicato", from the Sylvia Ballet, but it turns out to be less the Sylvia Ballet than the Sportsmen.

The phone rings. Amazingly, this hotel has those in the rooms too. Phil says that the New York Philharmonic's harpist wants to join the band, but Phil is leery about having someone with fingers that fast in their poker games. Phil also discusses winning a golf tournament in Pebble Beach by sinking a 40 foot putt with a pool cue.

Dennis arrives and does his routine. He notices the buttons on the wall, pushes the music button, and sings along with an instrumental version of "My Heart Cries For You".

Jack calls Rochester at the studio to see how things are going. Rochester nearly convinced a reporter from Colliers that Jack was really a big spender, until the guy that Jack was renting his double bed at the Acme Plaza to showed up. Rochester gave the Colliers reporter a picture of Jack shaking hands with King George VI, but after cropping, Jack's hand is the only part that made it into the shot that the magazine will use.

Jack and Mary go to a French restaurant. Mary suggests tipping the waiter $5 to get a table. Jack thinks she's kidding, and I'm amazed that she wasn't. Jack is unable to get a table without such a gesture, though. They're running late when Jack spots Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. eating alone. Jack insinuates himself into Doug's table, and proceeds to have a series of accidents. Mary manages to order a club sandwich, hold the spoonerism (What, no 'cland subwich' this time??) Mary and Jack help plug Doug's new movie, "The Great Manhunt". Jack plugs his own show, which will feature Faye Emerson, Frank Sinatra, and John L. C. Sivoney.

Jack autographs a picture for a fan, and even offers to take the check, but somehow manages to avoid doing it. Once Jack leaves, Doug asks Mel to tune the TV in the bar in to Jack's show. He doesn't seem to care about seeing Jack, but doesn't want to miss Faye Emerson.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.,

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Bea Benaderet, Joseph Kearns, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet, Blanche Stewart

MINOR ROLES: Gwen Delano, Eddie Marr, Del Sharbutt

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

She:

... [First line missing from recording]

that fine tobacco's mild and rich, a blend that you will like.

He:

A flying saucer came to earth to end the mystery,

For out jumped 20 men who said 'Smoke LSMFT'.

He:

We've rounded up a milder smoke out on the long prairie,

Our brand is known throughout the land, it's LSMFT.

She:

Luckies are my favorite brand at home or on the range,

And when she finds a smoke like this, a gal's a fool to change.

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Benny and his gang are in New York City, and why? Because in one half hour from now, our little star will do his second television show. But, let me take you back a few hours, to the place where Jack is staying: The Acme Plaza Hotel.

TOBACCO NEWS: According to the commercials, a recent 38-city survey shows that millions of smokers are dissatisfied with their current brand, but are just too nicotine-addicted to quit. Okay, I just made up that last part, but you know it's true.

JOKE: [1:50] (The Acme Plaza receptionist answers the phone)

Operator: "Acme Plaza, every room has a private Air Wick! What? Okay, I'll reserve a room for you, Mr. Jones. But you'll have to send a $5 deposit. Uh huh. Five dollars. And if you stay less than two weeks, we'll refund the difference."

JOKE: [2:30] (Don looks for Jack at the Acme Plaza)

Don: "How long ago did he leave his room

Operator: "I don't know. But he must have left in a hurry. He didn't even make his bed."

BATHROOM HUMOR: [5:00] (Jack comes to Mary's room)

Mary: "Jack, let me show you the different rooms. This is the dinette."

Jack: "Gee!"

Mary: "And look at the size of this clothes closet."

Jack: "Gosh! What's that door over there.

(Mary opens a door)

Jack: "Mary! In the SAME room!"

NOTE: The Sherry Netherland is still in business.

http://www.sherrynetherland.com/

Anyone want to hazard a guess on how Mary can afford to stay in a place like this on what Jack pays her?

JOKE: [6:00] (Jack is impressed by Mary's Hotel Suite)

Jack: "I can't get over this suite of rooms. What are those buttons on the wall?"

Mary: "The first four are radio stations here in New York."

Jack: "Well, what's the fifth button?"

Mary: "Well, downstairs in the dining room, they have continuous music. And if you press that button, you can hear it right in the room. They have a wonderful orchestra."

Jack: "Gee, I just can't get over it. You know, at the Acme Plaza, my room only has one button."

Mary: "What's it for?"

Jack: "I think it's for the heat. Once I pressed it and the bellboy brought me a bucket of coal."

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: The Sportsmen sing a Lucky-themed version of Pizzicato.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLQrhMz-HKA

JOKE: [8:20] (In the Sherry Netherland)

Jack: "Gee Mary, this hotel really has everything. I just can't get over..."

(phone rings)

Jack: "What's that? What's that? What's that?"

Mary: "The telephone. I've got that in the same room too."

Jack: "Gee!"

(phone rings)

Mary: "Hello?"

Phil: "Hiya Livvy, this is Phil! I'd have called you sooner, but I had a hard time finding a phone without a dial."

Mary: "Uh Phil, I've been meaning to ask you, why do you always use a phone without a dial?"

Phil: "Them operators LOVE to hear my voice!"

Mary: "Well, your voice does something to me too, but fortunately I have some Tums with me."

JOKE: [9:15] (The New York Philharmonic's harpist wants to join Phil's band, but Phil is hesitant)

Phil: "Any guy who can moves his fingers that fast would be murder in a poker game."

Jack: "Oh, for heaven's sake, what's more important? A poker game or good music?"

Phil: "Jackson, there are times when aces back to back are better than Beethoven Bach to Bach."

DENNIS'S ROUTINE: [10:40] Dennis calls Mary "Sis", to try to fool the House Detective. Once the door is closed, he begins hitting on her. Later, he tricks Jack out into the corridor and locks him out, to get Mary to himself.

JOKE: [14:30] (Jack calls his dressing room)

Rochester: "Hello, Mr. Benny's Dressing Room."

Jack: "Hello, Rochester.

Rochester: "Oh, hello Boss!"

Jack: "Rochester, I called you to find out of everything is going along all right."

Rochester: "Yeah, and boss, you should see your dressing room. You can hardly get in here, it's so full of flowers."

Jack: "Well, isn't that nice? A lot of them, huh?

Rochester: "Yeah, there are so many flowers here for you, it's good to hear your voice again!"

JOKE: [15:00] (Jack's dressing room is full of bouquets from well wishers and others)

Jack: "Fred Allen? He sent me a bouquet?"

Rochester: "Yeah, and he left a card with it. I'll read it to you."

Jack: "Yeah, let me hear it."

Rochester: "To Jack from Fred. Roses are red, violets are pink. On radio, you're bad, but on television... good luck."

Jack: "Good luck?"

Rochester: "He had another finish, but I talked him out of it."

RUNNING JOKE: Mel Blanc is a French waiter named Pierre, who is actually from Brooklyn, but just affects a French accent "for the Rubes". There's another running joke in this episode about Jack blacking out when going up and down in the Sherry Netherland elevator.

JOKE: [21:30] (Jack joins Doug at his table)

Doug: "Now Jack, I'll move over so you can..."

Jack: "Oh, just sit still, Doug. You needn't move for me. I'll squeeze right in here, and oops!"

(clattering sound)

Jack: "I'm sorry, Doug, I knocked over the pitcher and spilled water on you."

Doug: "Oh, that's all right. I was expecting it."

Jack: "Well, here Doug. Let me hand you my napkin, so you can... Whoop! I knocked over the ketchup bottle. Some splashed on your coat, there."

Doug: "You know, Jack, I've been sitting here eating for 30 minutes. You've been here for 10 seconds, and you've got more on me than I've got in me."

Jack: "Well, I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean to... Doug! Doug, why are you smearing the mustard on your sleeve?"

Doug: "Well, you're in a hurry, I thought I'd save you the trouble."

HEAD SCRATCHER JOKE: [22:00] At the restaurant, Doug is eating matzo ball soup, and says his mother always served it. As far as I know, neither Fairbanks nor his mother were Jewish. Douglas Fairbanks, Senior had a Jewish father, who abandoned the family at age 5, and a Catholic mother. So, why is this joke in there, and why does it get a laugh? Or do any jokes about matzo balls automatically get laughs?

JOKE: (At Douglas Fairbanks' table)

Doug: "I ran into Phil Harris at the Stork Club."

Jack: "Oh, really? Well, if I know Phil, he had his foot up on the rail."

Doug: "No, as a matter of fact, he had his head there."

JOKE: [22:30] (At Douglas Fairbanks' table)

Mary: "By the way, Doug, I saw your latest picture, "The Great Manhunt", and it's certainly an exciting mystery."

Doug: "Oh, thank you, Mary."

Jack: "You made that picture over in England, didn't you Doug?"

Mary: "You can tell because the scenes in the English slums were so realistic. You must have searched all over London to find such a rundown place."

Doug: "You know, as a matter of fact, that was the only scene that was shot here."

Jack: "You mean here in New York?"

Doug: "Yeah. At a place called The Acme Plaza."

RADIO JOKE: [24:00] (At the restaurant; one of those jokes that would only work on radio)

Jack: "Hey, look what time it is. I'd better get the check. Waiter! Waiter!"

Doug: "Jack, he sees you. Get off the table."

JOKE: [24:30]

Old Lady: "Excuse me for interrupting, but I happen to have a snapshot of you, Mr. Benny. Would you mind autographing it?"

Jack: "Oh, I'd be happy to. There you are. Jack Benny."

Old Lady: "Thank you very much. It was nice meeting you."

Jack: "Oh, wait a minute, lady. This is Douglas Fairbanks, Junior. Don't you want his autograph?"

Old Lady: "No. But 30 years ago, I would have."

NOTE: The preceding joke was also used for a restaurant scene with Jack and Jimmy Stewart, and why not? It's too good to only use once.

JOKE: [25:00]

Mel: "Here is the check, gentlemen."

Doug: " Oh, thank you, Pierre."

Jack: "No, no, Doug, let me take it. After all, it was your table, and Mary and I barged in. So I insist on paying it."

Doug: "No, no, Jack. I'd feel better if I paid it."

Jack: ""Well, if your health is involved, go ahead."

VERDICT: Good episode. Lots of good hotel jokes (the comparisons between the Acme Plaza and the Sherry Netherland have a wonderful "Goofus and Gallant" feel to them), and a pretty funny restaurant scene with Fairbanks.

22. 02/04/51 BANK ROBBERY (21:45)

SITCOM: Jack is at home, bumming around. He has Rochester doing everything for him from scratching his back to flicking his ashes. Jack checks the newspaper, and sees nothing in it about his trip to New York. Disgusted, he calls his press agent, Steve Bradley. Steve admits he may have neglected Jack recently, as he's been working to get Ethel Barrymore named as Head Coach for USC, but promises to have something for Jack soon. Jack gets a call from a gangster, calling for Lefty, saying that Flo will call soon. He hangs up before Jack can ask questions.

Dennis arrives and does his routine, then sings his song (cut and unidentified). Mary drops in. When Jack was rehearsing his New York show, she went to visit her family in Plainfield, where they watched Jack's show, with little enjoyment. Jack gets a call from Flo, saying to meet her at the corner of Santa Monica and Beverly at 2:50, but to wait for Big Ed's call. Jack is confused. Maybe it's a picnic?

Phil drops in, wanting to go golfing. Dennis offers to play him for big money, but is talked out of it. Don arrives, on his way to an auto dealer to try on a new Cadillac. Jack and Don take turns congratulating themselves on the awards they've won from Fame Magazine, both having been named best comedian and best announcer, for the third straight year. Mary congratulates them both on their modesty.

The Sportsmen are waiting outside. Jack isn't interested in hearing their commercial until he hears that it's about how well his second television show went. Don brings them in and they sing their song. Don, Mary and Dennis leave. Jack tries again to relax, when Big Ed calls, telling Lefty to meet them outside the bank. Jack finally figures that they're talking about a robbery, and goes to report it to the Police.

At the Police Station, two cops (Mel and Joseph Kearns) are sitting around playing checkers, reflecting on how boring police work is in Beverly Hills. Jack bursts in to report the crime he heard being planned. Neither one believes him until a phone call comes in saying that the bank was robbed. When the police leave to investigate it, Steve Bradley arrives, with photographers at the ready. He reveals that he staged the calls himself as a publicity stunt, and phoned in the robbery report himself. Jack thinks that this could get him in trouble for turning in a false report, but Steve says that if Jack goes to jail, that would only mean even more publicity.

The police return, saying that there was no robbery. Steve grabs Jack, while the officers subdue him. Jack resists going until he sees that there's a contoured chair in the cell, and that he'll finally get a chance to relax.

TAG: Back home, Jack gets another call from Big Ed, who had thought he was calling Ethel Barrymore.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS:

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Bea Benaderet, Joseph Kearns, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Dick Lane, Eddie Marr, Jack Mather, Del Sharbutt

DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the past few weeks have been more than hectic for Jack Benny. Yesterday, tired and weary, our little star returned home from New York City. As we look in on him today, he is determined to do nothing but relax and take it easy."

JOKE: [1:00] (Jack is bumming around the house)

Rochester: "Are you comfortable, Boss?"

Jack: "Oh yes, very comfortable. Rochester, move that ash tray a little closer, would you please?"

Rochester: "Here you are."

Jack: "Ahhhh! Rochester, move my chair a little closer to the fireplace."

Rochester: "Yes, sir."

Jack: "Ahhhh! What a way to relax. Rochester, flick the ashes off my cigarette. Will you, please?"

Rochester: "Yes, sir."

Jack: "Ahhhh!"

Rochester: "Do you want me to lift your eyelids so you can see the fire?"

Jack: "No, no, I'll do it myself. But with these long lashes, they are kind of heavy. Yes sir, there's nothing like sitting by the open fire. Ahhhh!"

Rochester: "Ahhhh!"

Jack: "What was that?"

Rochester: "I just threw one in to help you out."

JOKE:

Jack: "Rochester, remember that Chinese back scratcher I used to have?"

Rochester: "Yeah, why did you ever fire him?"

FORGOTTEN HUMOR: When Jack is looking for today's paper, he comes across an old paper, announcing the premier of "Broken Blossoms", a play from 1919.

RUNNING JOKES: Steve Bradley is working for Ethel Barrymore. Polly is still repeating Ronald Colman's insults about Jack, which she started doing last week. Remley goes golfing with two bags, one filled with booze, the other with ice cubes.

JOKE: [5:10] (Polly is still repeating Ronald Colman's words)

Polly: "Brawk! How that schlemiel ever got on television, I'll never know."

JOKE: [6:10] (Polly is still repeating Ronald Colman's words)

Polly: "Brawk! I tell you, Benita, that man is a menace to society!"

DENNIS' ROUTINE: [6:00]

Rochester: "Oh, hello Mr. Day!"

Dennis: "Hello, Rochester."

Rochester: "Come on in. Can I take your overcoat?"

Dennis: "Yeah, here. Here's my top coat too."

Rochester: "Top coat?"

Dennis: "And here's my raincoat, here's my sport coat, and here's my suede jacket."

Rochester: "Mr. Day, why do you wear all those coats?"

Dennis: "Well, my mother makes me. We're short of hangers."

JOKE: [6:50]

Dennis: "Hello, Mr. Benny."

Jack: "Oh, hello Dennis. Pardon me for not getting up. I hope you won't think I'm lazy, but today I'm just taking it easy."

Dennis: "Oh, that's all right, I understand."

Jack: "Good."

Dennis: "When most people reach your age, they sleep all the time."

Jack: "Look, Dennis..."

Dennis: "It's a good thing you've only got one show!"

FLUB: [8:25] (Mary talks about watching Jack's show with her mother)

Mary: "While we were having dinner, we watched your television show. And Jack, you look wonderful in color."

Jack: "In color?"

Mary: "Yeah, when Momma... when you came on, Momma threw the ketchup bottle at the screen."

Jack: "Her first joke and look what happens!! All the straight lines she read correctly! Read it again because we've got something to follow it."

Mary: "I can't, I threw the page away."

Jack: "When you came... Well, I'll read it for you. 'Jack, when you came on, Momma threw the ketchup bottle at the screen'. Then I say 'No'."

Mary: "Poppa didn't watch at all until Faye Emerson came on."

Jack: "Well, congratulations!!"

BABE JOKE: [9:30]

Mary: "And you also get a lot of laughs at the expense of my poor sister, Babe."

Jack: "Oh, I'm sorry about that, Mary. I'll watch it. By the way, how is Babe?"

Mary: "Well, when I was there, she was down in the dumps."

Jack: "Down in the dumps? Why?"

Mary: "She works there."

JOKE: [11:00]

Mary: "Say Phil, you've really gone crazy about golf ever since you won that tournament up at Pebble Beach."

Phil: "Well, why not, Liv? Imagine me shooting a 75 on that course. Think of it."

Jack: "Phil, was that the first time you ever shot a 75?"

Phil: "I don't know, that was the first time anybody ever added it up for me."

Jack: "Oh."

Phil: "I might have had a couple of 62's, who knows?"

JOKE: [11:25]

Phil: "Hey, look. You sure you don't want to come along, Jackson? Remley's going to meet me at the first tee."

Jack: "Oh, so Remley took up the game too, eh?"

Phil: "Yeah, and you should see him, he's really fitted out."

Jack: "He is?

Phil: "Yeah, he's got a couple of sets of clubs, and two big golf bags!"

Jack: "Two golf bags? What does he need the other one for?"

Phil: "You can't carry them ice cubes in your pocket, you know!"

Jack: "Phil, you mean..."

Phil: "Jackson, once Frankie spent four days in a sand trap and loved every minute of it!"

JOKE: [11:40] (This one also makes it into Josefsberg's book, on page 91.)

Josefsberg is discussing jokes about Hadacol, the real-life, high-alcohol "cure-all" potion that "I Love Lucy's" Vitameatavegamin was based on:

Josefsberg: "A second example took place on the program of February 4, 1951, when Phil Harris asked Jack to join him in a round of golf.

Phil: "We'll just have a friendly game - ten dollars a hole.

Jack: (gulps nervously) Er... no thanks."

Phil: "If you're nervous about the money - make it easy on yourself. We'll play for a buck a hole."

Jack: "No, I'd rather not."

Dennis: "I'll play golf with you, Phil, and I'll bet you a hundred dollars a hole."

[Josefsberg: Now, this was just the feedline, but coming from the supposed simpleton Dennis Day, whose reputed salary was $35 a week it got a good audience laugh.]

Phil: "What?"

Jack: "Dennis - how can you bet him a hundred dollars a hole? Phil is a great golfer. He just won an amateur tournament - and you've never played golf before."

Dennis: "I know."

Jack: "Well, how do you expect to beat him?"

Dennis: "I've been drinking Hadacol."

Phil: "Well, bring it along, Kid - we've got the ice."

[Josefsberg: This exchange got several laughs, all big ones, and it was based on the divergent characters of the three men - Jack's stinginess and unwillingness to play golf for money, Dennis' childish gullibility in believing the advertisements for Hadacol as a magic potion, and Phil's last line, "Bring it along, Kid - we've got the ice," stemming from Phil's fondness for booze and the almost universal knowledge that Hadacol had a rich alcoholic content"]

NOTE: Jack's show was broadcast twice, once for the East Coast and once for the West Coast. This may explain why the copy I have of this program varies from Josefsberg's description. In my version, Dennis offers to play for $10 a hole, and this gets no laugh. The "we've got the ice" line is missing (there's a jump in the recording at that point), and Phil offered to play Jack for $5 a hole, not 10. His offer to drop it to a buck a hole was not there either.

JOKE: [12:40]

Jack: "I won't be able to stay long, I've got an appointment over at Hillcrest Motor Company. I'm going to try on a new Cadillac."

Mary: "Uh... Try on?"

Jack: "Yeah Mary, his last one they had to let it out a little around the front."

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: The Sportsmen do a Lucky/Jack themed version of "You Ought To Be in Pictures".

JOKE: [17:10]

Jack: "Rochester! Now I know what those phone calls were about! A gang is going to rob the bank at Santa Monica and Beverly at three o'clock!"

Rochester: "Rob the bank?"

Jack: "Yeah. And they want to use my car for the getaway!"

Rochester: "Your car??

Jack: "Yes.

Rochester: "I can answer that 12 different ways and get my own show!"

FLUB: [17:30]

Jack: "This is serious, I've got to notify the Police!"

Rochester: "Yeah, you'd better call them right away."

Jack: "No, I can't use the phone, I think the line is taped... I think the line is tapped!"

JOKE: [18:00] (At the Police Station)

Mel: "Okay Sarge, it's your move."

Kearns: "Yeah. There, I jumped you."

Mel: "Hmm. I gotta figure this out."

Kearns: "You know, Joe, this police station gives me the creeps. Nothing ever happens in Beverly Hills."

Mel: "Yeah. We ain't had nothing big since they found that body on Rexford Drive."

Kearns: "What a night that was. I never could figure that one out. Guy's laying there with nothing but a niblick and a golf bag full of ice cubes."

Mel: "I wonder why he kept calling me Curly?"

VERDICT: A top notch episode all around.

23. 02/11/51 HOW PALM SPRINGS WAS FOUNDED (29:40)

THE SHOW: The show is broadcasting from Palm Springs this week. Jack and Don talk about how Jack uses the Biltmore Hotel's pool without staying there by wearing Mary's two-piece bathing suit and pretending to be Esther Williams.

They discuss Jack's birthday party next Wednesday, when Mary arrives. Mary has gotten a great tan at Palm Springs, due to her inability to find a room. Jack offers to get her a room at the El Tonto Trailer Camp, where he's staying. Jack invites Mary to his party also.

Dennis arrives. Jack asks him to sing, but Dennis insists on having a little dialogue first, as he's got friends in the audience. After one line, his friends leave, so Dennis sings "To Think You've Chosen Me. Jack praises Dennis' singing, but pans the orchestra (I was wondering when that was coming). Phil leaps to their defense, with little success.

Mr. Kitzle drops in, and discusses the trip to Palm Springs he's making with his wife. Mel arrives, with questions about the party invitation he got from Jack.

Jack announces the play. Not another "Murder at the Racquet Club", this time it's about the founding of Palm Springs.

THE PLAY: "How Palm Springs Was Founded". Don gives a straight historical background on Palm Springs, leading up to 1853, when two explorers headed west from Texas. Amazingly, they sounded a lot like Jack and Phil. "Tex" and "Curly" are lost in the desert when they meet a Mexican passerby (Dennis), who does a Seester/Meester bit that's amazingly similar to the Si/Cy routine. His brothers, who happen to be the Sportsmen Quartet, arrive and help get the commercial out of the way.

Jack and Phil continue onwards, in their quest to discover Palm Springs. They become lost in the desert. Phil sees a mirage of a pool of water and a beautiful girl, and offers the water to Jack. Phil flirts with the mirage and plants a huge kiss on her. Jack insists it's a mirage, but Phil doesn't seem to care. Jack gives Phil the last of the water, and they press on.

They come to Palm Springs, but find that it consists of just one building in the desert. That building turns out to be the Racquet Club. They meet Charlie Farrell, owner of the Racquet Club (again?), who is doing re-takes on "Seventh Heaven" (again?). Farrell tries to report a murder, but Jack insists they're not doing that play this time.

Behind the Racquet Club, they find a saloon. Ordering drinks, they meet Tumbleweed Tess, the owner of the bar, and sister of the mirage they met in the desert. Tess offers to game with Jack and Phil, but all the casino games at her saloon are rigged. Jack decides to try roulette. He keeps putting $5 on 28, and losing until he accuses the game of being crooked. He gets into a shootout with the croupier, Mel, when the two sound effects men accidentally shoot each other, bringing the play to a close.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: None

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Charlie Farrell

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Artie Auerbach, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

He:

Some smokes are flat and some too strong and some are even dry.

But not those perfect Lucky Strikes, just try one and see why.

She:

I came upon a man who looked as if he'd seen the thing.

I offered him a Lucky Strike, and he began to sing.

[No verses in closing commercial. I guess some weeks they just couldn't write this cra… er, stuff.]

DON'S INTRO: "And now, Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you the star of our program. Tanned by the desert sun, toughened by the desert wind, and frightened by the desert prices, Jack Benny!"

JOKE: [2:20]

Jack: "Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny, and Don, you're right about one thing. I have got a beautiful tan. And why not? Every day I lay out by the pool at the beautiful Palm Springs Biltmore Hotel. It's the most exclusive..."

Don: "Now, wait a minute, Jack. I don't like to correct your grammar, but it isn't 'lay' by the pool, it's 'lie'."

Jack: "Well Don, in this case, we're both right. You see, I don't live at the Biltmore. So, in order to 'lay' by the pool, I have to 'lie' to the lifeguard."

JOKE: [3:20]

Jack: "To change the subject, Don, did you get the invitation I sent you to my birthday party next Wednesday?"

Don: "Oh yes, Jack, and there's something in it I don't quite understand."

Jack: "What's that?"

Don: "Well, it says you are cordially invited to attend my birthday party on Wednesday, February 14th. Then, down at the corner, it says 15-9-34. What do those numbers mean?"

Jack: "They're the sizes of my shirt, slippers and underwear. You see, I used to put 'RSVP', and I got nothing."

JOKE: [5:00] (Mary and Jack discuss where they're staying in Palm Springs)

Mary: "Oh, you're at the Bon Air, aren't you?"

Jack: "Well, I uh, I couldn't get in there, so I'm staying at the El Tonto Trailer Camp."

Mary: "El Tonto Trailer Camp? Jack, you haven't got a trailer."

Jack: "Mary, they rent you the space. How you sleep, they don't care."

JOKE: [5:30] (More party talk)

Mary: "You should have seen him yesterday, standing outside the drugstore in that cowboy outfit of his.

Jack: "Mary, when you're in Palm Springs, you're supposed to dress like a tough westerner."

Mary: "Hmm. Some tough westerner. Your spurs still had dough on them from cutting out cookies."

Jack: "I made 'em for my party. Say, you're going to come, aren't you, Mary?"

Mary: "Yes Jack, but there's something on your invitation I don't understand. It says you are cordially invited to attend my birthday party on Wednesday, February 14th. And down in the corner it said CUCL. What does that mean?"

Jack: "Could Use Cuff Links."

JOKE: (Still more party talk)

Jack: "Go ahead and sing, then."

Dennis: "Oh Mr. Benny, before I do, do you mind if I ask you something?

Jack: "Why no, no Kid. What is it?"

Dennis: "I received your invitation, and it says you are cordially invited to attend my birthday party on Wednesday, February 14th."

Jack: "Uh huh."

Dennis: "And, down in the corner, it says GTBTKWIN. What does that mean?"

Jack: "Go to Bullocks, They Know What I Need."

JOKE: [10:40] (The orchestra demands respect).

Jack: "Oh, they do, eh? They want respect."

Phil: "That's right."

Jack: "Phil, just look at "They" over there. Take Sammy your drummer over there. His head reminds me of my baby picture. And the way Bagby plays the piano, he looks like he's typing a letter to his parole board. And then... And finally with great delight, we come to Remley."

Phil: "And what, pray tell, is wrong with Remley?"

Jack: "What's wrong with him?? Take a look at the coat he's wearing. On the back, it says "No Parking".

Phil: "How do you like that? They must have painted the curbs last night."

JOKE: [11:40] (Party Talk again)

Phil: "Look, there's something I want to ask you about that invitation you sent me and my orchestra boys."

Jack: "Well, what about it?"

Phil: "It says you and your boys are cordially invited to attend my birthday party on Wednesday, February 14th. And then down in the corner, it says WTF. What does that mean?"

Jack: "Wash Their Faces."

NOTE: Oh, is THAT what 'WTF' means?? For a long time, I've had a completely different idea that I'm embarrassed to even mention now.

JOKE: [15:00] Mel Blanc gets an invitation with the initials KCMJ at the bottom, which is a plug for the local radio station.

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: The Sportsmen sing a Lucky themed version of "I Had a Big Sombrero".

NOTE: Having once done the voice of an English horse, Mel does a Mexican horse at 21:00, that simply can't be transcribed.

JOKE: [21:40]

Phil: "Wait a minute, Tex. Look at them bones lying there. That's the skeleton of a man."

Jack: "Yeah, look Curly. There's a tomahawk buried in his skull. And an arrow sticking through the bone."

Phil: "Yeah. Even Hadacol won't help him now."

VERDICT: A weak episode. The play, like its protagonists, wanders around in the desert without going anywhere. The first half of the episode is a little better, but relies too heavily on variations of the RSVP joke that don't really add anything to what was set up in the first one. The running joke of Jack being mistaken for Esther Williams because he wore Mary's bathing suit to the pool is too bizarre to be funny. Dennis is too well behaved, and there's not a single laugh in Mr. Kitzle's appearance. The whole bit with Charlie Farrell doing re-takes on "Seventh Heaven" is a retread also, and setting it in 1853 doesn't help anything. Seester/Meester is a Si/Cy retread, but it does have a few laughs in it.

24. 02/18/51 JACK WATCHES TV (28:24)

SITCOM: Jack is at home, taking a violin lesson from Professor LeBlanc. As usual, Jack is screwing up the numbers, and LeBlanc is taking it badly. Jack tries "The Minuet". LeBlanc tries to end the lesson, but Jack insists there are 5 minutes remaining in the lesson. LeBlanc has Jack try "Intermezzo", but the alarm mercifully goes off before Jack can mangle it too badly. LeBlanc asks for his money, but Jack has none on him. Jack has Rochester go get $1.75, but LeBlanc insists that due to the cost of living, he's going to have to raise the cost of the lessons. Jack agrees to give him a raise after hearing his sob story (amazingly, given without violin accompaniment, even though a violin was handy). Phil calls, to ask if Bagby can miss rehearsal tomorrow, as all of the people who once occupied his cell are having a get together.

Don arrives, to ask for the $5 Jack still owes him from the Dempsey-Tunney fight. Jack claims to have been waiting for a final verdict on the Long Count Controversy (which still isn't quite settled, as of 2013, actually). Don leaves a record of the Sportsmen Quartet and their Wives doing a commercial. Jack decides to see what's on TV. He goes channel surfing, and finds Westerns on every channel. He finally finds what seems to be an English Drawing Room drama on Channel 9, that quickly becomes a Western.

Jack checks the program listings, and finds 'Time For Beany', 'Alan Young', 'Burns & Allen', and 'Fred Waring'. It turns out Phil was right (see Joke section below). Jack finds one of his own movies playing on Channel 11, but the TV blows out when he tries to tune in. He decides to go watch on the Colman's set.

Next door, Ronnie is in the library trying to finish his entry for the "I Can't Stand Jack Benny" contest. Benita reminds him that two friends are coming over for bridge, and asks him to forget Jack for one night. Sherwood the butler tells Ronnie that Jack just called, asking to come over and watch their TV. Ronnie and Benita discuss Jack's last television show, as Ronnie does his imitation of John L.C. Sivoney. Jack arrives. Sherwood had told Jack that Ronnie was out, so he and Benita hide, to cover the lie. Jack takes up residence in Ronnie's arm chair to watch the movie, as Ronnie and Benita watch from the closet. They leave by the back way, intending to pretend to arrive at the front. Jack welcomes them into their own house. Ronnie's guests, the Rollinson's arrive. The other four go to play bridge, while Jack watches his movie.

At the bridge game, the Rollinson's want to know what it's like living next to a comedian. Ronnie and Benita try to answer as diplomatically as possible. Jack barges in, since his movie has been postponed until next Tuesday. He watches their Bridge game, and offers unwelcome kibitzes on the play, supplemented by bad jokes. Rochester calls Ronnie, to say that if he'd like to get rid of Jack, to tell him that the burglar alarm just went off in his vault. Ronnie tries it, and it does the trick. Rochester tells Ronnie that if Ronnie would like to thank him, his birthday is March 23.

TAG: Jack returns to the Colman's for the shoes he left by the TV.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone, Dennis Day

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Ronald Colman, Benita Hume

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs", The Sportsmen Quartet

MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt, Eric Snowden, Marty Spurzel

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

He:

Make your smoking joy complete when buying cigarettes,

Enjoy the milder better taste a Lucky smoker gets.

She:

I used to switch from smoke to smoke till I tried Lucky Strike.

Now I enjoy far better taste and mildness that I like.

She:

The only thing that I prefer to dancing minuets,

Is smoking milder, richer tasting Lucky cigarettes.

He:

You folks call me a Minuteman, but I don't need a minute,

To tell you why a Lucky Strike has more enjoyment in it.

DON'S INTRO: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's take a little trip to Beverly Hills. We go out Sunset Boulevard, up Camden Drive, and stop in front of Jack Benny's house. Now, you just wait right here while I knock on the door, and maybe we can..."

(sound of Jack playing Kreutzer's 2nd Etude on the violin)

Don: "Oh, I'm sorry, we can't go in now. He's taking his violin lesson."

KREUTZER's 2ND ETUDE: (Mel sings along with the Etude again.)

"Do not hold your bow too tight-ly,

It will help you play light-ly.

Play it sof-ter, not so bras-sy,

Pull your tongue in, you're not Las-sie."

JOKE: [4:20] (LeBlanc is taking Jack's playing badly again)

LeBlanc: "Monsieur Benny, would you mind if I had some water?"

Jack: "Not at all. There's some in the cooler."

LeBlanc: "That ees not enough. I would like to drown myself."

Jack: "Drown yourself?"

LeBlanc: "Last time I tried to do it in your pool and you charged me for swimming."

FUNNIEST UNTRANSCRIBABLE MOMENT OF THE SEASON: Hands down, the funniest moment of the season that could not possibly be translated to the printed word is at the end of the violin lesson, when Professor LeBlanc begins singing for joy, and tosses in a "Poodly-poot-poot, poot-poot-poot" into the mix. It may or may not make everything that we've suffered through in listening to "Be Happy Go Lucky" worthwhile, but the Racetrack Tout says that the odds are 8:5 that it does.

THE OLD DAYS: [5:30]

Jack: "Do you have any money on you?"

Rochester: "Who, ME??"

Jack: "What's the matter, don't you trust me?"

Rochester: "Boss, it isn't a matter of trusting you, I haven't had any money since the last time you paid me."

Jack: "Rochester, your salary is gone already?? I paid you on... on Tuesday. Or was it Wednesday?"

Rochester: "I don't remember the day either, but we were on for Jell-O."

Jack: "Oh, yes."

Rochester: "You gave me six delicious dollars."

TRIVIA: Jack is paying LeBlanc $1.75 for a violin lesson. In the 3/16/52 episode, he's getting $2, so apparently he really did get that raise.

JOKE: [6:25] (LeBlanc makes the pitch for a raise)

LeBlanc: "Look at me. I am in rags. And my shoes. The soles are worn out. I owe everybody money. I am overdrawn at the bank. I have borrowed on my insurance. Next week, my wife is expecting another baby. That will be 8 mouths to feed. Our rent is overdue. We are being dispossessed."

Jack: "Gosh. Of course I'll give you a raise. Rochester?"

Rochester: "What is it, Boss?

Jack: "Rochester. You're crying."

Rochester: "Yeah. Until he got to the wife and children, I thought he was talking about me!"

HARRISISMS (MALAPROPISM): [8:20]

Phil: "You take a guy like Fred Waring. He devoted his whole life to music and all he's got is a five minute program."

Jack: "Fred Waring?? Only has a 5 minute program."

Phil: "You don't have to take my word for it. I saw it in the radio section of today's paper."

Jack: "I can't believe it. Wait a minute, I have the paper right here."

Phil: "It's on the radio section. He's on at 8 o'clock for 5 minutes."

Jack: "Let's see now. 6 o'clock. 7 o'clock. 8 o'clock."

Phil: "The third one down."

Jack: "One. Two. Three."

Phil: "See? Fred Waring."

Jack: "That's Frost Warning!! Phil, with your lack of education, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

Phil: "I am, Jackson. I'm standing here in my million dollar home, blushing."

SPORTSMEN QUARTET: The Sportsmen and their wives do a Lucky Strike themed version of "I Love You, A Bushel and a Peck".

JOKE: [14:10] (Jack checks the TV Listings)

Jack: "Hey, Rochester! Look at this!"

Rochester: "What?

Jack: "Channel 11 is showing my picture tonight! "To Be Or Not To Be"! Hey, that was a good one!"

Rochester: "That was THE good one!"

JOKE: [17:10] (Jack calls the Colmans)

Benita: "Did Mr. Benny mention what he wanted?"

Sherwood: "Yes, Mrs. Colman. He said he'd like to come over here and watch television on your set."

Ronnie: "On OUR set?"

Benita: "Yes, I forgot to tell you, Ronnie. When he bought his, he returned ours."

RUNNING JOKES: Fred Waring/Frost Warning, and a buzzard circling over Beverly Hills whenever Jack plays his violin.

NOTE: This episode was transcribed (recorded) in on Friday February 16, 1951. {{note by BC}}

VERDICT: A good episode, despite the lack of really quotable lines. Both the LeBlanc and the Colmans sequence work well. On the other hand, both are a bit on the light side. LeBlanc scenes usually involve a lot of begging and pleading for Jack to pony up the money for the lesson, often involving a trip to the vault, none of which happens here. (On the other hand, my criticism of this scene is that it didn't go on longer, which can also be a compliment if you look at it the right way) The Colman scene is funny, but is also probably the least funny scene Colman ever did for the show. Jack's behavior seems a little less obtrusive than usual, and the scene seems padded out with too much time spent on the bidding in the Bridge Game. So, both scenes are stock scenes that are done well, but both have been done better before, making this "A Good Formula Episode". The bottom line, though, is Thumbs Up.

25. 02/25/51 I WAS COERCED (23:30)

SITCOM: Phil is driving Jack home from rehearsal in his new car, which turns out to be a veritable Drinking-and-Driving-Mobile (easily the most Politically Incorrect car on the road). They stop at a newsstand and Jack looks at an evening paper, and reads stories about the Korean War, Santa Anita, and bank robberies. Next time he might even buy the paper. Phil shows Jack more of the luxuries his car has, which is a bit of a waste, as to Jack, even things like windshields and steering wheels are a luxury. Jack gets off at his house, and finds that Rochester has planned so many cleaning activities for today that he hasn't actually gotten around to any of them. Phil calls back to deliver a punchline that he inexplicably withheld in the car.

Dennis arrives, and does his routine. Jack asks to hear the song he's going to sing on the program, so Dennis sings "Begilly, Begolly, Begorra" (cut). Jack and Dennis talk about their respective personal appearances in Las Vegas. Dennis leaves, and Don arrives with Mel Blanc. Mel is playing himself for a change, but is having difficulty saying anything but "Yeah". He has an idea for a Lucky-Strike themed version of his novelty record, "I Tawt I Taw a Puddy Tat", which he sings for Jack.

When Mel and Don leave, Jack goes to the library to read before bed, and settles on a book called "I Was Coerced", by Maximilian Q. Langley.

THE PLAY: Jack is Montague J. Blackstone, attorney at law, who once sent an innocent man to prison for life.

Jack gets a call from eccentric millionaire, Eugene Patrick O'Day. O'Day makes out a will, leaving $5000 to his butcher and baker, and the other ten million to his wife. When he delivers the Will, he meets Mrs. O'Day, and learns that she's trying to murder her husband. For some reason, this causes Jack to fall in love with her, and try to help her carry out her plan. They go to his room, where Mrs. O'Day shoots Dennis, and she and Jack frame the butler for the crime. At the trial, the judge turns out to be Frank Nelson, and the play just fades out at that point.

MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone

NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Veola Vonn

RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Frank Nelson, L.A. "Speedy" Riggs"

MINOR ROLES: Johnny McGovern, Del Sharbutt

THIS WEEK'S INSTALLMENT OF BE HAPPY GO LUCKY:

[Closing Only Survives]

She:

I whirl and twirl upon my skates and do a fancy spin,

Then cut these words right in the ice, 'For taste, those Luckies win'.

He:

I teach my friends the way to skate, and give them good advice,

Smoke better tasting Lucky Strikes at home and on the ice.

DON'S INTRO: "[first part missing]...the Benny rehearsal has just finished, and Phil is driving Jack home in his new convertible."

{{from the script: "And now, ladies and gentlemen...let us go back to yesterday...the Benny rehearsal has just finished and Phil is driving Jack home in his new convertible"}} {{note by BC}}

JOKES YOU COULDN'T TELL TODAY: (In Phil's Car)

Jack: "Gee, this is a swell car, Phil. Really a beaut."

Phil: "Glad you like it, Dad. It's the newest thing."

Jack: "Boy, what a car you've got. Look at all the accessories on it. Phil, what's this button, marked H/C?"

Phil: "Oh, that's the ventilator. Hot and Cold."

Jack: "Gosh! And what's this one here? B/L?"

Phil: "That's the lights. Bright and Low."

Jack: "Gee! What a car. And what's this thing marked DB? Defrost Button?"

Phil: "No, Draft Beer."

Jack: "Beer?"

Phil: "Yeah, here. Hold this glass under it and press it."

Jack: "This button here? Okay."

(sound of glass filling)

Phil: "Holy smoke!"

Jack: "Now, press the button next to it."

Phil: "All right. Well, I'll be darned. You've even got a gadget to blow the foam off. What a car!"

Jack: "Say, Jackson?"

Phil: "What?"

Jack: "Look down at the gas pedal."

Phil: "Well, isn't that cute. A little brass rail. You know, Phil, I should have expected something like this When I got in the car, I came through swinging doors."

JOKE: [2:10]

Jack: "How much does the car cost?"

Phil: "I don't know, Alice never told me."

Jack: "Oh, Alice bought the car. Well, is it in your name or hers?"

Phil: "To be honest with you, Jackson, I don't know how she registered it."

Jack: "Well, who has the pink slip?"

Phil: "Well, to tell you the truth... wait a minute! Hey, Jackson!"

Jack: "What?"

Phil: "Throw me that line again, willya?"

Jack: "I said who has the pink... Phil, you're passing my house!"

Phil: "Oh yeah, yeah."

(sound of brakes)

Phil: "Well, so long."

Jack: "But Phil, you didn't answer me. Who has the pink slip?"

Phil: "Let it go, Jackson. You've got too much talent to be a straight man!"

Jack: "Gee. That Phil sure has a beautiful car. A new Hudson. The kind you fall down into."

JOKE: [4:30] (Rochester didn't get any of the chores done)

Jack: "Look Rochester, I don't mind you skipping the chores once in a while, but I've told you a thousand times that you must dust the piano every day.