1951-1952 Season
THE 1951-1952 SEASON
BY GRAEME CREE
THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY
The 1951-1952 season of The Lucky Strike Program Starring Jack Benny ran from 9/16/51 to 6/1/52 on Sundays at 7:00 p.m. 30-minute episodes (38 episodes total, 30 surviving)
1951-1952 SEASON (Season 22)
Jack Benny: Master of Ceremonies
Mary Livingstone: Goodness only knows what her official role is
Rochester Van Jones: MC's Valet
Phil Harris: Orchestra Leader
Don Wilson: Announcer
Dennis Day: Vocalist
L. A. "Speedy" Riggs: Tobacco Auctioneer
Writers: Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman
The Sportsmen Quartet: Singers of Musical Commercials
"The Lucky Strike Program Starring Jack Benny" finished second overall for the 1951-1952 season in the national Nielsen radio ratings, with a 16.2 rating. CBS again has the top four rated programs, with "Amos n' Andy" finishing first with a 17.0 rating, "Lux Radio Theatre" in third place with a 15.0 rating, and the "Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy" program finished fourth, with a total rating of 14.7. Due to the increasing influence of television, the overall ratings shares for radio programs were the lowest in years.
CHANGES THIS SEASON
In Tobacco News, The Be Happy Go Lucky song is abbreviated and relegated to second tier status. The interminable verses are no more, just a shortened chorus. Several new campaigns are launched, such as one where they play a tape backwards and compare it to advertising claims that aren't backed up by the opinion of laboratory personnel (it doesn't stop them from offering those kind of claims, though). Another one is Tear and Compare, where you're supposed to tear a Lucky Strike open and compare it to another brand. But since other brands don't exist in the world of Lucky Strike, this ain't easy. However, most of the surviving episodes of this season are ones that were edited for later re-broadcast on the Armed Forces Network or some such, and so have the tobacco references removed. Speedy Riggs and The Sportsmen were around all season, but you won't hear much of them now.
Benny Rubin's Idunno Guy becomes fairly prominent this season, and the show begins to rely a little more on reusing old material. (On the plus side, the stuff they re-use is generally good stuff that people want to hear again, and there were few "reruns" in those days). Jack begins making trips down to his vault.
SEASONAL THEMES
For the last several years, every season has had some kind of overall theme or motif that is visited and revisited throughout the season:
1944-45: Sympathy Soothing Cream
1945-46: The "Why I Can't Stand Jack Benny" Contest
1946-47: Salary Disputes with The Sportsmen Quartet
1947-48: Ronald Colman's Oscar is Stolen
1948-49: Jack Hears a Swiss Echo
1949-50: Mel Blanc Wants a Job
1950-51: Be Happy, Go Lucky
1951-52: "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon, Then I'll Come Back To You"
This year's theme is a love song that Jack writes in Episode 2. Despite near universal rejection, Jack spends the better part of the season trying to get it published, promoted, and sung by big name stars. You'll hear a dozen or so variations of it sung throughout the season, from orchestral versions to versions sung by celebrity quartets, to versions sung in Spanish and French. Despite all the exposure, the song goes nowhere, and Jack's quest to hit the big time with it ends unfulfilled.
Writer Milt Josefsberg describes it thusly: "Budget problems caused the show to cut down on guest stars and to rely on other gimmicks. One had Jack writing a song called "When You Say 'I Beg Your Pardon', Then I'll Come Back To You". It was as lousy as its title, but Jack's attempts to get famed stars to plug or sing it led to guest appearances by several well-known personalities, including a quartet made up of Frank Sinatra, George Burns, Danny Kaye, and Groucho Marx on the March 2 show from Palm Springs… On March 23 Jack tried to sing his song… at the Academy Awards.
The lyrics of the song are as follows:
When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you.
When you ask me to forgive you, I'll return.
Like the swallows in Sorano return to Capistrano,
For you my heart will always, always, always, always yearn.
When you say that you are sorry, then I will understand,
'Neath the harvest moon, we'll pledge our love anew.
So my darling though we've parted, come back to whence we started,
And Sweetheart, then I'll come back to you.
The song is virtually never sung uninterrupted. Lines 3 and 7 are virtually ALWAYS challenged by listeners, while Line 4 is usually not sung at all (After the interruption in Line 3, Jack usually picks it up again on Line 5).
With Line 3, listeners usually want to know where Sorano is, how the swallows got there, and why they’d head to Capistrano. Jack usually defends the line by invoking the 1927 song “Chloe”, and arguing that if someone can spend years calling for a girl in a swamp, he can have a bird make one lousy trip to Italy.
With Line 7, listeners virtually always challenge Jack’s use of the word “whence”, forcing Jack to explain that whence is the poetic form of “where”. On VERY rare occasions, Jack may himself alter the word to “where”, to try to pre-empt this argument, only to have this listener tell him that it SHOULD have been “whence”.
ADDITIONAL CHARACTERS
The main characters and supporting cast largely unchanged from last season. See the "1950-51 Notes" for full descriptions, but here are a few more not mentioned there.
THE IDUNNO MAN (Benny Rubin)
A character who exists to do one very rigid routine. Jack stops him and asks him three questions. To each of them, he replies "I dunno", in escalating frustration. Finally Jack asks a question about his ignorance (i.e. "If you don't know anything, what are you doing behind that counter??"), and the Idunno Guy delivers a punchline, often involving his pants.
ROY (Roy Glenn)
A friend of Rochester's, Roy is something of an oddity for this show: a completely "normal" character, with no noticeable quirks or character flaws of any kind. In fact, he's so normal, he's weird. Roy has a deep, booming James Earl Jones-like voice, is unusually articulate, impeccably well-mannered, and can usually be found helping Rochester on days when the Rochmeister has got an extra-heavy workload. Roy's role on the show is that of the outsider. He's one of the few characters who doesn't know Jack very well, but would like to know more, and so often asks Rochester for the inside scoop on things that he's heard about. In that way, Roy almost personifies a member of the listening audience getting to visit Jack's home and asks questions.
THE BEVERLY HILLS BEAVERS
The Beavers, Joey, Stevie, Butch, and presumably others, are members of a local children's group (sort of like an upper crust Cub Scout den). Jack serves as their treasurer, and regales them with Munchausen-like stories of his exploits. (Anything from bombing Tokyo to inventing the forward pass). As a result, the Beavers idolize Jack, and see him as a kind of cross between Humphrey Bogart, Babe Ruth, and the guy who invented pizza.
ROSIE THE ROISTERER (Sara Berner)
Rosie (like 'Maria Callous', another name that I assigned myself to be able to refer to an unnamed character) is the waitress at the lunch counter across the street from CBS. She's loud, boisterous and confrontational (imagine Flo, from the old "Alice" series, but without the southern accent). If the show were made today, she would be heavily tattooed. Rosie doesn't take any lip from the customers, and sounds like she wields a mean spatula, and make a good wife for Ernest Borgnine.
RUNNING JOKES
The 1950/51 notes have a large listing of ongoing routines. Here are a few older ones that never came up last season, that we may see again. Stay tuned:
SAINT JOE
Apparently, Saint Joe, Missouri is the one place where Jack's vaudeville act got completely over. When the town is mentioned, Jack will usually get a faraway look in his eye, and dreamily proclaim, "Saint Joe, they loved me there!"
STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN AND RADIO
Rochester usually answers the phone at Jack's house, with some kind of commercial for Jack's services. For example, "Mr. Benny's residence, star of stage, screen and radio, so whether you go out or stay home, he's got you either way."
OH, ROoooCHESTER?
This is a recurring gag, in which Rochester will do something wrong. Jack chides him in a sing-songy voice of the kind that parents sometimes use on wayward children. Rochester answers in the same sing-songy voice. Jack says something else (in the same voice), and Rochester delivers a punchline (also in the same voice). A typical example:
"Oh, Rooochester?"
"Yeeeeees, Booooooss?"
"You just drove through a red liiiiiiiight!"
"Let's keep it a seeeeeecret!"
WAIT A MINUTE!!
A running gag involves the Sportsmen Quartet going overboard singing a new number, while Jack tries to stop them with "Wait a minutes" of increasing intensity, finally culminating in a "WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!" which brings the song to a stop. If you were wondering where Dave Seville got the idea for Alvin's shtick, look no farther.
WELL!!
This bit involves someone chewing Jack out for something or other. Jack listens patiently until they're done, and prissily responds with "Well!!" in a tone as if to suggest that he's never been so insulted in all his life. Of course if he hadn't, then it couldn't be a running joke, now could it?
NOTE
In first run, every episode of this season began and closed with a Non-Integrated Lucky Strike commercial. However, since some of the copies floating around on the internet are from re-broadcasts, some episodes may not have those commercials now. This season does badly in this regard, and most of the surviving episodes (the ones I have, at least) are edited for rebroadcast, and have the tobacco references removed. A full episode will usually announce itself as "The Jack Benny Show, sponsored by Lucky Strike", or "The Lucky Strike Program, starring Jack Benny". Edited for rebroadcast episodes are usually just billed as "The Jack Benny Show".
And now, the episodes:
1. 09/16/51 JACK RETURNS FROM A KOREAN U.S.O. TRIP (24:31)
SITCOM: Jack spent the summer entertaining the troops in Korea (and probably rubbing elbows with Hawkeye Pierce, Trapper John and all the rest). At LAX, Don and Mary are waiting for Jack's flight to come in. Elsewhere in the airport, the Rube and his wife spot Jack's plane come in and reminisce about their experiences with him, especially how he played the violin at their sister-in-law's wedding. On the plane, Jack has his head in the pilot's lap as they come in for a landing. Jack and the pilot take turns spotting landmarks, but all of the ones Jack spots are banks. Jack de-planes with Frank Nelson, after inadvertently tying Frank's suspenders around himself while trying to fasten his seat beat. (Only on radio).
Jack briefly meets the Rube and his wife, exchanges pleasantries, then gets into a cab to go home. In the cab, Jack tries to tell Mary and Don a story about meeting snipers in Korea, but is constantly interrupted by the cabbie (Mel Blanc) asking him which routes to take, and drowning out the conversation with Sousa Marches on the radio. Jack arrives home and pays the cabbie in Yen (convertible to dollars at any bank). Rochester greets Jack warmly, but the Colmans greet him coldly, slamming their windows as he calls to them. Don asks Jack who he met in Korea. Jack tells stories about almost meeting several famous people, only to be interrupted by being almost introduced to another famous person.
Dennis arrives [13:00] and does his routine. Dennis sings "Too Young". Frank Nelson leaves, having finally gotten his suspenders untied from Jack. Phil arrives and takes his turn driving Jack crazy for a while. Eventually everyone leaves. As Jack turns on the radio, Rochester finds a hand grenade in Jack's suitcase. It turns out to be a dud that Jack is using as the world's safest piggy bank.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Elvia Allman, Herb Vigran
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Sam Hearn, Joe Kearns, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are, back on the air again. As you probably know, Jack recently returned from a USO tour in the Far East. Well now, let's go back and show you what happened the day our little star arrived home."
RUNNING JOKE: Starting around 1:10 there's a running joke throughout the episode of Jack using his toupee as a washrag while in Korea.
CONTINUITY ALERT: The Rube from Calabasas is named "Clem" here, but don't bother memorizing that until we see if it gets used again.
NOTE: [6:00] Jack lists the stars he appeared with in Korea, including Marjorie Reynolds, Frank Remley (aka Elliot Lewis) and Errol Flynn.
CONTINUITY NOTE: Jack's kayfabe address is still 366 North Camden Drive.
JOKE: [9:30] (Jack and Rochester are reunited)
Rochester: "Doggone boss, its sure good to have you home."
Jack: "You really missed me, huh Rochester?"
Rochester: "Yeah. All the weeks you were away, this old house was so lonesome. I'd go into the living room and see your big easy chair sitting there with no one in it and I'd feel like crying."
Jack: "Gee."
Rochester: "The trees outside were in bloom but they didn't mean anything to me. The birds were singing but I never could seem to hear 'em. The sun was shining but I never saw it."
Jack: "Really Rochester?"
Rochester: "Yeah, I never got up until 8 o'clock at night."
Jack: "That's what I thought!"
CONTINUITY ALERT: The previous routine was used on the first Lucky Strike program, on 10-1-1944, as follows:
Jack: "Gee, it's good to be home."
Rochester: "It's good to have you home, Boss. You'll never know how much I missed you."
Jack: "Did you, Rochester?"
Rochester: "Yeah. The three months you were away, this old house was so lonesome. I'd go into the Living Room and see your big easy chair with no one in it, and I'd feel like crying."
Jack: "Gee."
Rochester: "The trees outside were in bloom, but they looked barren to me."
Jack: "Aw, Rochester."
Rochester: "The birds were singing, but I never could seem to hear them. The sun was shining, but I never saw it."
Jack: "Really, Rochester?" Rochester: "Yeah, I never got up till 8 o'clock at night."
JOKE: [10:10]
Jack: "Say look, hey, the Colmans had their house painted, didn't they?"
Rochester: "Yeah."
Mary: "Jack, there's Benita at the kitchen window, and Ronnie is looking out of the upstairs window."
Jack: "Oh, yes. Ronnie!"
[SLAM!]
Jack: "Benita!"
[SLAM!]
Jack: "Hmmm. I wonder if they're going to give a party for my homecoming."
Rochester: "Could be, they gave a dilly when you went away."
JOKE: The extended sequence in which Jack talks about people he almost met, only to be interrupted by the prospect of almost meeting someone else is quite good verbally, but not so good on paper. To cut to the chase, in the end, the only person Jack actually met was…
Jack: "Why, I talked for over 30 minutes to Corporal Peterson."
Mary: "Who's Corporal Peterson?"
Jack: "He was the one who married Aunt Poodie, but they drafted him anyway."
DENNIS' ROUTINE: Dennis went to Hawaii, but didn't travel by boat or plane. Jack, in one of his rare smart moments refuses to ask how he got there. Mary wants to ask, but Jack stops her. Mary finally gives in and asks how Dennis got there, and the whole thing turns out to be a pre-arranged joke Phil and Dennis set up to nail Jack.
JOKE: [17:15]
Dennis: "[String of incomprehensible Hawaiian]"
Mary: "Uh. What's that, Dennis?"
Dennis: "Hawaiian."
Mary: "Oh, did you learn to speak Hawaiian while you were there?"
Dennis: "[String of incomprehensible Hawaiian]"
Mary: "What does that mean?"
Dennis: "I don't know, but if you say it to a Hawaiian girl, you get your face slapped."
Jack: "Oh, sure. [String of incomprehensible Korean]"
Dennis: "What's that?"
Jack: "It's the same thing in Korean."
THE BIGGEST LAUGHS: The bit where Frank Nelson pops up in Jack's home, revealing that he's been quietly attached to Jack for half the episode results in one of the longest laughs in the show's history. It's not particularly loud or sustained, but Jack keeps it going, by starting his next line, and then stopping a couple of times because the laugh is still going on. By the end, the laughter is more about what he's doing than the original line, but he manages to keep it going for 27 seconds before it devolves into applause for another 8 seconds.
JOKE: [18:45]
Jack: "Oh, Rochester?"
Rochester: "Yes, Boss?"
Jack: "Would you make us some sandwiches, please?"
Rochester: "I'm sorry Boss, but there's no food in the house."
Jack: "No food? What happened to the money I left you when I went overseas?
Rochester: "I'm sorry Boss, but that only lasted for three weeks. You know, a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to."
Mary: "How much did he leave you, Rochester?"
Rochester: "A dollar."
Jack: "Mary, stop looking at me! He was supposed to buy seeds and grow things!"
CONTINUITY ALERT: At 20:00, Phil tells Jack there's no hard feelings for him bringing back Frankie Remley (Phil's Guitar Player) from Korea unharmed. Last season, Phil was in tears over the possibility of Remley leaving.
HARRISISM (MALAPROPISM):
Phil: "You wanna know something, Liv? Alice got herself a new car yesterday."
Mary: "Oh, that's nice. What kind?"
Phil: "Oh, one of them foreign cars. A Dagmar."
Jack: "That's Jaguar!"
NOTE: Dagmar, aka Virginia Ruth Egnor (1921-2001) was a statuesque blonde, star of "The Dagmar Story" (1951), and the TV series Dagmar's Canteen, which ran from 1951-1952. References to her are common on the Benny Show about this time, and if you'd seen her picture, you'd know why. Her biggest legacy is the Dagmar Bumper, a pointed, bulging bumper on many Cadillacs, Buicks and Pontiacs in those days that was named after her. (Goodness knows why).
JOKE: [21:00] After teasing us for half the episode with the question of how Dennis got to Hawaii, we finally learn the answer.
Mary: "Jack?"
Jack: "What?"
Mary: "I've waited long enough, I've GOT to ask him."
Jack: "What?"
Mary: "Dennis, how in the world did you get to Hawaii if you didn't take the boat or a plane?"
Jack: "Now, wait a minute! No you don't! This is the first time we've been together in months! I don't want that kid driving me crazy with his silly talk!"
Phil: "Wait a minute, what's so silly about it? If he didn't take the boat to Hawaii and he didn't fly, maybe he took the train."
Jack: "Oh. Oh, he took the train, eh? And how, pray tell, can anyone take the train from here to Hawaii?"
Phil: "You can go into a Pullman and got 'aloha'! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Hey, Dennis! Dennis, when we made that up this morning, I told you that old man would take a snap at it!"
Jack: "Phil, why don't you go back to your little grass shack in Doo-Wah-Diddy??"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Jack's final comment is a combination riff on the song "My Little Grass Shack in Kealakua Hawaii", and Phil's song "That's What I Like About the South", with its reference to the town Doo-Wah-Diddy, which became a major running gag in the 1947-1948 Season and still crops up from time to time.
BOTTOM LINE: A decent opener. The airport sequence is so-so, and the bit with Frank Nelson spending half the episode stuck to Jack is too silly for anything but a cartoon. Most of it works well, though. The story of all the people Jack almost met works. The tension over whether anyone will ask Dennis how he got to Hawaii works well. The opening sequence is a little slow and unfunny to me, but it picks up once they get into Mel's cab.
2 09/23/51 CAPTAIN HORATIO HORNBLOWER
(EPISODE LOST)
3. 09/30/51 JACK WRITES HIS OWN SONG
(EPISODE LOST)
4. 10/07/51 JACK SINGS HIS SONG TO MARY
(EPISODE LOST)
5. 10/14/51 JACK TAKES HIS SONG TO THE PUBLISHER (31:12)
SITCOM: Rochester is in the trophy room, dusting the plaques Jack has received for the various movies he's made. The one for The Horn Blows at Midnight hasn't been deactivated yet. Jack has an appointment with a music publisher to discuss publishing his new song, When You say I Beg Your Pardon, Then I'll Come Back To You. Mary arrives with another letter from Momma. Jack flips stations on the radio, looking for a time check, and flips by Maria Callous singing “Too Young”. Jack decides he has no time to wait for Don, and leaves for the publisher with Mary. They meet Don along the way, with the Sportsmen Quartet in tow. Jack is running late, so they sing a Lucky-Strike Version of “We’re Late”, which is not the song Don had intended.
Once downtown, they meet Phil, who is oddly supportive of Jack’s chances to get his song published. Phil explains the genesis of That’s What I Like About the South from similarly humble beginnings. Looking for the publisher’s office, Jack decides to buy a snack from a vending machine, and receives a helpful tip from the Racetrack Tout. Jack makes his way to the 4th floor, and finds Dennis in a studio, making a recording of an unidentified song. Dennis offers to play the flip-side of his record for Jack, which turns out to be Maria Callous singing “Too Young”. Dennis does his routine. Jack finally arrives at the Kearns Publishing Company, and gets in by claiming that he and Mary are Cole Porter and Irving Berlin. Mr. Kearns is at first unwilling to hear Jack’s song, but reconsiders when recalling that a song he once snubbed made it to #1. Kearns listens to as much of Jack's song as he can stand, before throwing Jack out on his ear. Jack resolves to publish the song elsewhere.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS:
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Bea Benaderet, Sara Berner, Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, Sheldon Leonard, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, during his career in Show business, Jack Benny has received many awards, plaques and mementos that he keeps in his trophy room. At the moment, Rochester is in there, dusting them off."
NOTE: Speedy Riggs can still be heard during the opener. So many of the opening commercials from this season are cut that it's hard to tell exactly when he leaves, but as near as I can determine, he remained with the show until the end of this season.
TOBACCO NEWS: This year's Lucky Strike ad campaign plays a sound clip backwards, and compares it to other tobacco ads. ("Words! Claims! Doubletalk!") Tobacco ads are a stream of meaningless words, they say, but Lucky Strike is (now) different because they have PROOF! Of something or other. A lab called Froehling and Robertson concluded by a wide and unspecified margin that Lucky Strike was the "best made" of the 5 Principal Brands. An actor imitating either Froehling or Robertson tells us all about it, except what "best made" means. That they use the best filters, best paper, best glue, or what? This is nothing new. For 8 years, Lucky Strike has been saying that their advantage stemmed from using "fine tobacco", without ever specifying exactly what fine tobacco is, or how it differs from other kind of tobacco. (Keep in mind that this new campaign is offered as an *alternative* to meaningless doubletalk!) Wouldn't it be easier to just say "Luckies are the only cigarette that doesn't cause Lung Cancer... Much."
You won't hear it from American Tobacco, but the Five Principal Brands in 1950 were Camel, Lucky Strike, Chesterfield, Commander, and Old Gold.
http://archive.tobacco.org/resources/history/tobacco_history20-2.html
JOKE: [2:40] (Rochester dusts the Trophy Room)
Rochester: "Doggone, Mr. Benny sure has a lot of trophies in this room. Here's the key to the City of Waukegan Here's the key to the City of Saint Joe. Here's a doorknob to Cucamonga… They don't even bother to lock that place!"
THE OLD DAYS: [3:00] Rochester dusts plaques Jack got for filming "Buck Benny Rides Again" (1940), "Charlie's Aunt" (1941), and "The Horn Blows at Midnight" (1945).
JOKE: [4:00] (Jack is taking his song to a publisher)
Jack: "I wish Don would hurry up and get over here. I've got to get my song over to that music publisher before noon."
Rochester: "Yeah, you better not show it to him after he's had lunch."
JOKE: [4:15] (Jack's trophy room)
Rochester: "Say Boss, you've sure had some of these things a long time. Here's your discharge from the Boy Scouts."
Jack: "Oh yes, yes."
Rochester: "Here's your discharge from the Navy."
Jack: "Uh huh?"
Rochester: "And here's one from NBC."
Jack: "An usher handed it to me while I was running east on Sunset."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Another reference to the infamous CBS Talent Raid of 1948. Considering how touchy shows of this era are about mentioning current events, CBS really rubs it in with these jokes at times.
NAMES FOR MOMMA: [5:20] "Well, what does the Dagmar of Plainfield have to say?"
MARY'S SISTER BABE: [7:20]
Jack: "Mary, you didn't tell me she was a lifeguard. I didn't even know she could swim."
Mary: "Oh, certainly Jack. Babe's a regular mermaid."
Jack: "Oh, yes. It's a shame the wrong half looks like a fish."
JOKE: [9:20]
Jack: "It's about time you got here."
Don: "I'm sorry I'm late but on the way over here I had an accident. I ran into a truck and turned it over."
Jack: "Oh, my goodness. Was your car damaged much?"
Don: "I was walking."
NOTE: In those days you could dial UL-8900 to get the correct time.
HARRISISM (MALAPROPISM): [12:00]
Jack: "What are you doing here, Phil?"
Phil: "Oh, I just came from my doctor's office."
Jack: "Your doctor? Is there anything wrong?"
Phil: "Yeah, yeah. I've been having stomach aches, so I went to see the doctor and he examined me, and he said I have an ulcer."
Jack: "An ulcer? Is he a good doctor?"
Phil: "I'm not sure, he said it was caused by something I ate."
Jack: "No!"
Phil: "Yeah!"
Mary: "Uh, what kind of treatment did he prescribe?"
Phil: "Well Livvy, he didn't give me no medicine, but I gotta watch my diet. I ain't allowed to put anything spicy in my food."
Mary: "Oh, like pepper, mustard or ketchup."
Phil: "That's right, none of them compliments."
Jack: "That's condiments!! 'Compliments'!"
Phil: "A natural mistake for a chap who's been getting them all of his life."
JOKE: [12:20]
Phil: "And besides lying off them spicy foods, Liv, I've gotta drink nothing but milk for the next six weeks. Now, ain't that awful?"
Jack: "What's awful about it? Milk isn't so bad."
Phil: "Yeah?... What's it taste like?"
Jack: "Well, it's sort… oh, TRY some and be surprised!!"
CONTINUITY NOTE: [13:00] (Phil explains the Genesis of his Signature Tune)
Phil: "No one can tell where you're going to find a good tune these days. Now, you take "That's What I Like About the South", for instance."
Mary: "Uh, how'd you happen to write that, Phil?"
Phil: "Glad you asked that, Liv. You see honey, one night a few years ago, I was having dinner, and when I finished, I looked around at the leftovers, and there was some ham hocks and turnip greens. So I wrote a song about the garbage and it became a hit."
CONTINUITY ALERT: In real life, "That's What I Like About the South" was written by Andy Razaf, composer of such hits as "Honeysuckle Rose", "Ain't Misbehavin'" (George Burns' signature song around this time), "Stompin' at the Savoy", and many others. Within the fictional world of the Benny Show, it was established from the very first time the song appeared (2/2/1941) that the song was written by Phil.
THE RACETRACK TOUT: [15:00] (Jack tries to decide what candy bar to buy)
Jack: "Gee, they've got a lot of candy bars in this machine. Got Hershey's, Love Nest, Life Savers, O'Henry, Baby Ruth, and Milky Dip. I think I'll get that one. A Milky Dip."
Tout: "Hey, bud. Bud."
Jack: "Huh?"
Tout: "C'mere a minute."
Jack: "Who, me?"
Tout: "Yeah. Whatcha doin'?"
Jack: "I'm getting some candy."
Tout: "What kind?"
Jack: "A Milky Dip."
Tout: "Uh uh."
Jack: "What?"
Tout: "Get a Hershey bar."
Jack: "Why a Hershey bar?"
Tout: "In this hot weather, nothing runs like chocolate."
Jack: "But look, I… I want a Milky Dip"
Tout: "Milky Dip hasn't got a chance."
Jack: "What are you talking about? Milky Dip not only has chocolate on the outside, but it has cream in the center."
Tout: "That's what'll give you the trouble."
Jack: "What?"
Tout: "Cream is hard to handle unless you whip it."
Jack: "I never thought of that. You really think I should get a Hershey bar?"
Tout: "Can't miss. Look at the last performance."
Jack: "Last performance?"
Tout: "Yeah. Comin' out of the machine, Hershey was boxed in by Life Saver, but got through the hole."
Jack: "Really?"
Tout: "And Life Saver was the flavorite."
Jack: "Well, I don't know, I'm still.. wait a minute, I know what I'll do. I'll get an Almond Joy."
Tout: "Why Almond Joy?"
Jack: "Because in the package, there are two bars, and I can eat 'em as an entry."
Tout: "Well okay, it's your dough."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: This Racetrack Tout sketch was later re-used by The Beverly Hills Beavers nearly verbatim when they parodied Jack's show on 2/22/53. For some reason, Jack's reason for buying an Almond Joy is cut from their version.
RUNNING JOKE: [18:00] Jack meets an elevator operator who used to own the building before betting for Notre Dame. Mr. Kearns now owns the building, having bet on SMU. This is a reference to the SMU-Notre Dame game of 10/13/1951, won by SMU 27-20.
JOKE: [22:00] (Jack and Mary find Dennis recording a song in a studio)
Jack: "Dennis, we just heard your record. That song, it was really very good."
Dennis: "Oh thanks, the company thinks it's going to be a big seller."
Mary: "Really? What's on the other side?"
Dennis: Oh, a very beautiful ballad. If you'd like to hear it, I'll turn the record over and play it for you."
Jack: "Okay, let's hear it."
Dennis: "Okay."
[Music]
Maria Callous: "They tryyyyyyyy to tell us we're too young!"
Jack: "Dennis!"
Maria Callous: "Too young to reeeeally be in looooooooove!"
Jack: Dennis, shut that off! You WOULD make a record with her!!"
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [23:30]
Jack: "Now look, kid, we've gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow at rehearsal."
Dennis: "Mr. Benny, would you mind if we have rehearsal at my house?"
Jack: "Why should we rehearse at your house?"
Dennis: "Well, my uncle is visiting us and he thinks I'm the star of the show."
Jack: "Oh, he does, huh? Well, let me tell you something…"
Dennis: "Awww, Mr. Benny, what's the difference where you have rehearsal? Let me impress my uncle, huh, huh?"
Mary: "Yes Jack, what difference does it make?"
Jack: "Well, all right, Dennis. We'll have rehearsal at your house. Tomorrow morning at 11 o'clock."
Dennis: "Okay, and be there on time, kid."
Jack: "What?"
Dennis: "My uncle doesn't think I need you at all."
Jack: "Now, cut that out!!"
CONTINUITY ALERT: This same routine, almost word for word is re-used in the 1/25/1953 episode, which is, itself a re-make of the 3/6/1949 episode, but with the head of CBS, William Paley, playing the part that Ronald Colman did in the original.
CONTINUITY ALERT: The preceding bit is funny, but pointless, as Dennis has two shows (a fact that he often reminds people of), and so could impress his uncle just as easily by rehearsing his own show at home. Shh! Actually, come to think of it, Jack also has two shows (one radio, one TV, but you never hear him brag about this to Dennis).
WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON: In this episode, Jack does a nightclubby version of WYSIBYP. Over the course of the season, this song will be re-imagined in many different formats, most awful.
JACK SINGS: Jack does one of his rare vocals, this time singing his own song.
JOKE: (Mr. Kearns is not too pleased with Jack's song)
Jack: "(singing) So, my darling though we've parted, come back to whence… we started..."
Kearns: "Whence??"
Jack: "Yes, whence! That's the poetic form for where! But anyway, Mr. Kearns, the music is the important thing. With your influence, you could get that melody on the Hit Parade!"
Kearns: "I couldn't get that melody on a Good Humor truck!!"
BE HAPPY GO LUCKY: Last year’s song appears in this episode and a few others this season, but stripped down to the chorus (with all the interminable verses gone).
BOTTOM LINE: A top notch episode between Dennis' Routine, Phil's Ulcer bit, the Trophy Room, and the Racetrack Tout's bit. Pretty much everything works this week. Even Dennis making a record with Maria Callous is much funnier than it sounds on paper.
6. 10/21/51 AT A NIGHTCLUB TO HEAR THE SPORTSMEN (28:19)
SITCOM: It is immediately after the conclusion of last week's program and the cast is still on stage. Don apologizes for blowing a line. Mary covered for him, but not very convincingly. Dennis gets Jack to sign this week's contract. The phone rings, but it turns out to be Twombley the Sound Man, testing his equipment. Twombley shows off some of his other effects, and Dennis falls in love with the guillotine. Jack has Phil dismiss the band, and remove their instruments and Remley from the studio. Dennis plays with the sound effects some more.
Don invites Jack to a night club, but Jack is reluctant to spend the money to go. Jack finally agrees to go, and even treat Mary. Jack asks to hear the song Dennis will sing next week, so Phil recalls his boys by yelling "Next round's on the house!" Dennis sings an unidentified song.
Jack goes back to his dressing room. Rochester offers Jack another suit so that he can say he forgot his wallet at the nightclub. Jack gives Rochester the night off to get that appendicitis operations he needs, as long as he's home early. Jack calls the Nightclub to make a reservation and has to go through Mabel and Gertrude. The girls discuss whether or not Jack will get the Sportsmen to sing his song at the Bandbox (Mabel already heard it on a date with Jack). Later, at Gray's Bandbox, the manager and waiter are awaiting Jack's arrival. The restaurant has no menus, but not for the reason you'd suspect. The MC, Lenny Kent, goes into his act. His jokes are pretty darn stale, but Jack seems to enjoy them. Lenny announces that they have a VIP guest in the audience. Jack is sure Lenny is planning to call him out, but all the hoopla is for a TV Repairman that Lenny knows. Lenny introduces the Sportsmen Quartet, who have a number prepared in honor of their boss, 'Jack Benson'. The Sportsmen sing "Blue Eyes, Smilin' at Me", and, to no one's surprise, manage to get a few plugs in for Lucky Strike, as well. To everyone's surprise, Jack jumps in and sings backup for them.
As Phil is under the table already, Dennis wants to give him a hotfoot. Mel arrives with the food, but spills some on Jack. Jack calls the Captain (Frank Nelson) to complain, but Frank isn't especially sympathetic. He wipes Jack down, and even offers to give him a haircut, since Jack has a bowl over his head already. Since the haircut is free, Jack accepts.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Elvia Allman, Elliot Lewis, Herb Vigran
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Bea Benaderet, Sara Berner, Mel Blanc, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Lenny Kent, Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and Gentlemen, many times in the past we've shown you what happens before a Jack Benny broadcast goes on the air. Tonight we'd like to show you what happens after a program is finished. So, let's jump to last week immediately after the program went off the air."
TOBACCO NEWS: As mentioned at the beginning of the page, Lucky Strike has a new ad campaign where they play a sound clip backwards to represent the meaningless claims you hear in tobacco ads. The big question here is "What does this gibberish sound like played forwards?" If you play the Lucky Strike gibberish forwards, you can hear the same announcer saying "Make the Smell Test, Make the Nose Test, and if you have time, make the Mildness Test. And you will switch to our brand."
ANOTHER NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Speedy Riggs' auctioneer patter sounds almost the same played backwards as it does forwards!
TWOMBLEY: Eugene Twombley (played here by Mel Blanc), was the show's real sound man, and husband of Bea Benaderet from 1957-1968. The Twombley character appears again in the show's final episode (5/22/1955). On a sad note, the real Gene Twombley died four days after Bea Benaderet did in 1968, and on the day of her funeral. Before Twombley, Frank Nelson played Virgil Rhymer, the show's fictional sound man, for a few weeks in the early 1940's.
JOKE: [3:10]
Don: "Say Jack, I'm awfully sorry I missed that line of mine during the broadcast."
Jack: "Well Don, these things happen sometimes, but fortunately, Mary was alert and read your line."
Don: "I know, but I don't think it was believable when Mary said 'Jack, how would you like to come with me to a Turkish bath?'."
Jack: "Well, all right, Don, so you made a mistake. I mean, don't worry about it."
Don: "Oh, but Jack I've been an announcer for so many years, I shouldn't make mistakes."
Phil: "Forget about it, Donsie, forget about it. After all, Jackson ain't gonna fire ya."
Jack: "Of course not."
Mary: "Or cut your salary."
Jack: "Mary, you keep out of this!"
JOKE: [4:10] (Dennis asks Jack to sign something)
Dennis: "Here, Mr. Benny, are you going to sign this?"
Jack: "Oh, yes Dennis."
[scribbling sound]
Phil: "Hey, what's he signing, Dennis?"
Dennis: "My contract, he does it after every show.
Mary: "What? Hey Jack, how come you've got Dennis on a week to week contract?"
Dennis: "Well, I'm getting older, and he's afraid my voice might change."
Jack: "Yeah."
Mary: "Jack Benny, you ought to be ashamed of yourself!"
Dennis: "What do you mean ashamed? That's just smart business. I mean, what good is he to me if his voice changes? After all, baritones are a dime a dozen."
Dennis: "According to my salary, so are tenors."
JOKE: [5:20] (Playing with the sound effects)
Herb Vigran: "Oh, this is how we make the sound of a body falling down a flight of stairs. Listen."
[sound of something bumping]
Jack: "Gosh! What's this one here?"
Herb: "Oh, that's a medieval torture rack. Here, show you how it works."
[screwing sound]
Jack: "Gee!"
Don: "Say, what's this effect here?"
Herb: "Oh, that's the guillotine. That cuts off people's heads. Listen."
[Sound of a guillotine and a head bouncing three times after being cut off]
Jack: "Gosh. Say, what is your next program?"
Herb: "Life Can Be Beautiful."
JOKE: [7:00] (The gang tries to convince Jack to go to a nightclub)
Phil: "Aw, come on, Dad, why don't you loosen up for once? Spend a little. Try it, it might be fun!"
Jack: "Look Phil, I'll tell you why I'm so careful about how much I spend. It's because I work plenty hard for my money.
Phil: "So what? I spend and Alice works hard too!"
JOKE: [12:00] (Jack is in his dressing room)
Jack: "Hmm, look at all those fingerprints on the wall. Can't understand it, wet paint signs all over the place and yet people have got to touch it. They just can't believe in signs."
[door opens]
Rochester: "Oh, hello Boss."
Jack: "Hello, Rochester, did you hear the show?"
Rochester: "Yeah, it was good, and… say, how did you get that paint on your fingers?"
Jack: "Never mind, hand me a towel."
NAMES FOR JACK:
Mabel: "I wonder what Saturday's Hero wants now?"
JOKE: [13:45] (Mabel and Gertrude shoot the breeze)
Gertrude: "Hey, Mabel?"
Mabel: "What is it, Gertrude?"
Gertrude: "Mr. Benny's line is flashing."
Mabel: "Yeah. I wonder what Saturday's Hero wants now?"
Gertrude: "I'll plug in and find out. Hello? Yes, Mr. Benny, I'll try and get them immediately. He wants Gray's Bandbox."
Mabel: "I wonder why. Hey, I know. That's where the Sportsmen Quartet is singing. And I'll bet he's going to try to get them to sing his song."
Gertrude: "Did Mr. Benny write a song?"
Mabel: "Yes, didn't you know?"
Gertrude: "No, what's the name of it?"
Mabel: "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon, Poopsie, then I'll Come Back to You."
Gertrude: "Is Poopsie in the title?"
Mabel: "It was when he sang it to me last night."
Gertrude: "Hey, you didn't tell me you were going out with Jack last night."
Mabel: "Well, he called me at the last minute, so I put on my new dress."
Gertrude: "You didn't tell me you had a new dress either."
Mabel: "Well, it isn't exactly new. I bought it at that shop that sells clothes that used to belong to big stars."
Gertrude: "Gosh. Who did this dress belong to? Lana Turner?"
Mabel: "No, Milton Berle."
Gertrude: "Well, with your figure, it must have fit perfectly."
Mabel: "Look who's talking? If it wasn't for your buck teeth, you'd have no figure at all. Anyway, Jack liked me well enough to sing me his song."
Gertrude: "Imagine him writing a song. I thought he'd quit after he tried to write short stories and sell them to the magazines."
Mabel: "Why? What happened then?"
Gertrude: "He found out that they paid a nickel a word, so he made his heroes stutter."
JOKE: [16:20] (At the nightclub, the manager and waiter get ready for Jack's arrival)
Lewis: "Oh, Charlie."
Mel: "Yes, Mr. Lewis?"
Lewis: "Jack Benny called and made a reservation for a party of five. Will you set up a table?"
Mel: "Yes, sir. How about that table over there?"
Lewis: "Oh, that's too close to the exit."
Mel: "Well, what do you mean?"
Lewis: "Last time he was here, he threw a match, yelled "Fire" and that was the last we saw of him."
Mel: "Gee."
Lewis: "Well, I'll say one thing. We didn't have any trouble getting the money from Mr. Harris."
Mel: "You didn't?"
Lewis: "No, we just reached under the table and took it out of his wallet."
JOKE: [17:30] (Jack and Mary hit the dance floor)
Jack: "C'mon Mary, I'll dance with you first."
Mary: "Okay."
Jack: "You know, I like dancing with you, Mary. (starts singing) When we're dancing and you're dangerously near me. I get ideas. I get ideas."
Mary: "Oh Dad, COME now!"
JOKE: [18:30] (One of Mel's best ever waiter bits)
Jack: "Oh, waiter? Waiter?"
Mel: "Yeah?"
Jack: "We'll look at the menus now."
Mel: "We don't use no menus here."
Jack: "No menus? Then how will we know what food to order?"
Mel: "You name it, we got it."
Jack: "Oh. Well, I'll have some prime ribs of beef."
Mel: "We ain't got no prime rib."
Jack: "Oh. Then I'll have some southern fried chicken."
Mel: "We ain't got no chicken."
Mary: "How about steak?"
Mel: "We ain't got no steak."
Phil: "Pork chops?"
Mel: "Nope."
Don: "Roast lamb?"
Mel: "Uh uh."
Jack: "Wait a minute, you said if we named it, you've got it."
Mel: "You ain't named it yet!"
NOTE: Lenny Kent was a real comedian, playing himself. Years later, he went on to appear in such shows as "Kojak" and "The Odd Couple".
NOTE: Lenny Kent introduces a what? A TV Repairman?? Yes, there was actually a time when electronics were new, expensive, and made to last. In those days, people actually had these gadgets repaired, rather than just tossing them out and buying new ones. Repairmen even made house calls.
JOKE: [20:45] (Jack just can't get himself recognized at the Grove)
Lenny Kent: "And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the next act is a real treat. We have with us the famous Sportsmen Quartet, who will now do a number dedicated to their boss, Jack Benson!"
Jack: "That's Benny!!"
NOTE: The Sportsmen's song mentions Jack having to take his shoe off to get at his money. The gag of Jack keeping his money in his shoe hasn't been used in quite a long time. Recently, Jack's Vault has grabbed most of his money storage laughs.
JACK SINGS: In a rare vocal, Jack backs up the Sportsmen's number with Rex Harrison style singing (i.e. non-musical verbal accompaniment).
SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS: [25:00] (At the Coconut Grove)
Jack: "Oh, Captain? Captain?"
Frank Nelson: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees??"
Jack: "Are you the captain?"
Frank: "Well, who do you think I am mixing this salad? Caesar?"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Starting in 1969, Al Jaffee of Mad Magazine built a whole series of books around jokes like this, called "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions".
NOTE: "Amos & Andy", "My Friend Irma", and "Our Miss Brooks" are also on Sunday nights on CBS.
BOTTOM LINE: So many episodes break neatly into two pieces, like a Kit Kat bar. Usually, two writers were assigned to write one half of the show, and the other two did the other half. The first piece of the Kit Kat, where they do a sitcom about the first 5 minutes after a program ends (and find that it's not all that different from the program when it's in progress) is very clever. The second half, the nightclub sketch is about average. They find a way to work Lenny Kent in, get the Sportsmen in there, and do a few nightclub gags. Not bad. The Mabel and Gertrude sketch in the middle is (typically) good.
7. 10/28/51 JACK LOSES HIS SONG (29:57)
SITCOM: Rochester is drawing Polly's bath (insert pun here). Polly isn't too keen on having one, though, and puts up a big struggle. Jack had been taking Polly to a psychiatrist to deal with her fear of water, but stopped when she looked too silly on the couch. Rochester solves the problem by tossing an especially sexy rubber duck into the tub (and where he found one of those, we don't want to know). The doorbell rings. Jack "When you say I beg your pardons" his way to the front door, and admits Dennis. Jack says he's made a change to his song, and asks for Dennis' opinion, but can't find the music. Dennis tests out the song he's going to sing on the program ("Never" from "Golden Girl").
Jack enjoys the song, and promises Dennis a raise. Dennis denounces the promise as "Words, promises, doubletalk!!" (which only makes sense if Jack was planning to pay Dennis in cigarettes). Mr. Kitzel calls to invite Jack to a Halloween party at his house. Kitzel can't afford to go trick or treating in Beverly Hills this year, as last year's haul put him into a higher tax bracket. Phil enters and explains that he's lying low from Alice after winning $40 from his kids at gin rummy.
Phil ducks out, and Don arrives with the Sportsmen. Don wants the boys to sing Jack's song, but the sheet music is still missing. Instead, they sing a Lucky Strike version of "My Truly Fair". Don and the Sportsmen leave. Jack wants to see a newspaper article about him that Don mentioned, but Rochester has already put the paper back on the Colman's porch.
At the Colman's, Ronnie is in the den, as usual. Benita warns him, he'll never finish the solitaire game he's playing, as Jack has borrowed the Queen of Spades. Sherwood brings the newspaper, and Ronnie finds a piece of sheet music inside. Why, it's a song by Jack Benny! Ronnie sings it to Benita Rex-Harrison style (i.e. Verbally), and they wince at all the usual spots. Ronnie, Benita and Sherwood discuss all the things Jack has borrowed over the years, including the time Jack borrowed Sherwood himself for use at a party. Ronnie sees that one of his pictures is playing locally. He and Benita set out to walk to the theater, and return Jack's song along the way. Jack is delighted to see them, as well as his song, and tries to invite Ronnie and Benita in, but Ronnie skillfully extricates himself.
TAG: Ronnie and Benita arrive at the theater. The newsreel reporter (Mel) runs a story on Jack's new song.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Ronald & Benita Coleman
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Mel Blanc, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Frank Martin, Del Sharbutt, Eric Snowden
DON'S INTRO: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. It's morning and Rochester is running the bath."
TOBACCO NEWS: The opening Lucky Strike commercial contains another non-specific endorsement, this time from a laboratory called Foster D. Snell. Again, they criticize all previous tobacco commercials (including, presumably their own), as being baseless words, because now they have FACTS! Whereas Froehling and Robertson simply said that Lucky Strike was the "best made" of the five principal brands (and no clue what that means), Snell hinted that "best made" had something to do with taste, and not the brand of glue they use.
Incidentally, despite the Lucky Strike announcer repeatedly trying to drill into listener's heads, that these are FACTS (by golly!), the quote from Foster D. Snell begins with the words "In our opinion..." Shh!
NOTE: We learn from Dennis that Polly's fear of water stems from going down the drain and coming out in El Segundo. What Polly has against El Segundo, I can't imagine.
NOTE: Jack notices that his song is missing, when he tells Dennis that he made a change in it. But no change seems to have actually been made. It sounds the same after this episode as it did before.
JOKE: [6:45]
Jack: “I can’t find my song. Do you know where it is?”
Rochester: “No sir.”
Jack: “Well, think back. What did you do this morning?”
Rochester: “Well, I cooked breakfast, washed the dishes, cleaned the living room, and after you finished reading the Sunday paper, I put it back on Mr. Colman’s porch.”
JOKE: [7:10]
Jack: “As long as you dropped in, let’s hear the song you’re going to do on the program. What’s it going to be?”
Dennis: “Well, it’s called “Never”, and it’s from a picture I just finished at 20th Century Fox, produced by Georgie Jessel.
Jack: “Oh, what’s the name of it?”
Dennis: “Golden Girl.”
Jack: “Golden Girl, eh? And you’re in it?”
Dennis: “Uh huh.”
Jack: “What part do you play?”
Dennis: “I don’t know, I haven’t seen the picture yet.”
TOBACCO JOKE: [10:00] (Dennis just sang)
Jack: “That was very good, Dennis. Excellent. In fact, your voice is getting better and better all of the time. And you know, some day, when you look at your paycheck, you may find a nice substantial…”
Dennis: “Words, Promises, Doubletalk!”
Jack: “What?”
Dennis: “[Tries to imitate a backwards recording, pretty well]”
Jack: “Dennis, what did you say?”
Dennis: “Oh nothing, I swallowed my gum.”
JOKE: [11:00]
Kitzel: "I'd like to invite you to a Halloween party at my house."
Jack: "Oh, I'd be glad to come, Mr. Kitzel. Seems like you give a Halloween party every Halloween."
Kitzel: "Oh, yes. To me this is a day of great sentiment because it was at a Halloween party that I first met my wife."
Jack: "Really?"
Kitzel: "Yes, she came as a witch."
Jack: "A witch?"
Kitzel: "Yes."
Jack: "Oh, a costume party."
Kitzel: "No."
HARRISISM (MALAPROPISM): [13:15] (Phil arrives)
Phil: "Hey Jackson, that wasn't Alice on the phone, was it?"
Jack: "No."
Phil: "Listen, if Alice calls, don't tell her you saw me."
Jack: "Why? What's the matter?"
Phil: "I want to lay low until she cools off."
Jack: "No kidding, Phil! Are you in trouble?"
Phil: "Believe me, Jackson, if I didn't need the money, I wouldn't have done it."
Jack: "Phil! What did you do?"
Phil: "I played gin rummy with my kids and won forty bucks."
Jack: "You? You won forty dollars playing gin rummy with your children?"
Phil: "What a couple of pigeons I'm raisin'!"
Jack: "Oh, for heaven's sake. Phil, let me…"
[doorbell buzzes]
Phil: "Uh oh. Hey Jackson, if that's Alice, tell her I ain't yet been here no time today!"
Jack: "You ain't yet been here no time today??"
Phil: "Yeah, yeah, tell her, tell her!"
Jack: "I will, Phil. I may phrase it differently, but I'll tell her!"
[doorbell buzzes]
Jack: "Coming."
Don: "Oh, hello, Jack."
Jack: "Oh, hello Don. Oh, you've got the Sportsmen with you too. Come on in, fellas."
[door closes]
Don: "Oh Jack, there's something I want to talk to you about."
Jack: "Well, if it's about Phil, he ain't yet been here no time today… you all!"
JOKE: [16:45]
Phil: "Why don't you forget about being a song writer, Jackson? Ain't it enough that the Maybelline Company named you Blue Eyes of 1951?"
NOTE: How can Ronnie be playing solitaire in the den when they didn't have home computers in those days? Weird.
CURRENT EVENTS: Ronnie mentions predicting that Churchill would be re-elected. Winston Churchill served as Prime Minister of England from 1940-1945, and again from 1951 to 1955.
JOKE: [18:00] (Ronald Colman reads Jack's song)
Ronnie: "Hello, what's this?"
Benita: "What's what?"
Ronnie: "A sheet of music just fell out of the paper."
Benita: "A sheet of music?"
Ronnie: "Yes, let me see. Hmm, it's a song by Jack Benny!"
Benita: "Jack Benny wrote a song?"
Ronnie: "So it seems."
Benita: "What's the name of it?"
Ronnie: "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon Then I'll Come Back To You."
Benita: "Oh, I say, now really!"
Ronnie: "Yes. Yes, I'm afraid really. Listen to this. 'When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you. When you ask me to forgive you, I'll return. Like the swallows at Sorano return to Capistrano, for you my heart…"
Benita: "Ronnie?"
Ronnie: "Yes?"
Benita: "I'm not sure I heard correctly? Was that 'like the swallows at Sorano return to Capistrano'?"
Ronnie: "That's what he wrote, that's what the man wrote, he wrote that!! And then it goes 'If you say that you are sorry, then I will understand, 'neath the harvest moon we'll pledge our love anew."
Benita: "Oh Ronnie, you're joking!"
Ronnie: "Benita, I was never more serious or more nauseated in my life. Just listen to the rest of it. 'So my darling, though we've parted, come back to whence we started'…"
Benita: "Whence??"
Ronnie: "Yes, Jack has a footnote on the bottom. It's saying 'Yes, 'whence', it's the poetic form of where'. Now, just let me finish this. 'So, my darling, though we've parted, come back to whence we started, and sweetheart, then I'll come back to you'."
[pause]
Ronnie: "This is the lousiest thing I've ever heard!"
Benita: "Ronnie, please. Do you have to use that kind of language?"
Ronnie: "What else can I say about it?"
Benita: "Well, you still don't have to use that kind of language. You could say it's the most awful thing you ever heard."
Ronnie: "Well darling, this is not the most awful thing I ever heard, this is the lousiest thing!"
JOKE: [21:30] (Ronnie on Jack's borrowing)
Ronnie: "That man has borrowed everything. The lawn mower, the ping pong table, the garden hose, the vacuum cleaner…"
Benita: "And the Queen of Spades."
Ronnie: "Oh, so that's where it went."
Benita: "Uh huh."
Ronnie: "Benita, why in the name of Eli Culbertson would Benny borrow just one card?"
Benita: "Well, it was missing from his deck and he explained how. You see, he was doing a card trick. Dennis Day picked the Queen of Spades. Mr. Benny told him to put it where he couldn't see it. So Dennis ate it."
Ronnie: "Ah, Dennis Day. I have a great affection for that lad. I understand he drives Benny crazy."
Benita: "Well, you know darling, there's one thing that's rather amazing about Jack."
Ronnie: "Oh, what's that?"
Benita: "Well, with all the things he's taken from us over the years, not once has he tried to borrow any money."
Ronnie: "Well darling, money is the one thing he doesn't use."
Benita: "He doesn't use it? Well, what does he do with his money?"
Ronnie: "He gets it, counts it, caresses it and buries it."
JOKE: [23:45] (The Colman's Butler describes the party at Jack's house)
Sherwood: "Well, as the evening wore on, they played Charades and Twenty Questions. And about midnight, they all formed a circle around Phil Harris."
Ronnie: "Oh? What kind of game was that?"
Sherwood: "No game. They were just trying to determine whether he was dead."
JOKE: [24:40] (The Colmans resolve to return Jack's song)
Benita: "I would like to go to the movies. The one at the corner has a double feature."
Ronnie: "All right then, let's go."
Benita: "Oh, good. And Ronnie, since we'll be passing Jack's house, let's return his song to him."
Ronnie: "Oh yes, yes. I'll get the car out."
Benita: "No, let's walk to the theater. The fresh air will do us good."
Ronnie: "Yes, and it won't hurt his song any, either."
JOKE: [26:00] (Ronald Colman finds a way to drop off Jack's song without having to stay for a visit)
Ronnie: "Well Jack, we have to be running along."
Jack: "No, no, no, Ronnie, now don't go yet."
Benita: "But Jack, we were on our way to see a…"
Jack: "I won't take no for an answer. Now you must come in and visit. After all, I haven't seen you for so long!"
Ronnie: "So long!"
[SLAM]
BOTTOM LINE: Top notch episode. The Colmans are always funny, and everything else clicks as well.
8. 11/04/51 GEORGE JESSEL TELLS JACK'S LIFE STORY (25:04)
SITCOM: Jack is at home rehearsing a speech for the Friar’s Club, which is about to honor him for his 20 years in radio. Jack tells Rochester to forward his mail to the Waldorf, but Rochester has already reserved a room at the Acme Plaza. Mary drops in to see if Jack is packed (No, not “So round, so firm, so fully”, but it’s amazing that they missed that chance for a plug). Phil calls up to tell Jack a joke: Why do girls in the Rockies not take sunbaths? Jack has no time for Phil’s corny jokes, but Phil persists. Jack asks Phil to hold the line when the doorbell rings.
It’s Dennis, who’s come to do his routine, and sing the song he’s going to do on the program (“Bright California Moon”). After the song, Dennis walks into a closet which Jack locks. Georgie Jessel arrives to discuss Jack's Friar's Club Banquet. In lieu of a speech, Georgie would like to tell the story of Jack's life, which he has already written. Georgie rehearses the story for Jack:
PLAY: Georgie traces Jack's life through a combination of narrative and dialogue from actors. First we're treated to a scene in which Jack's parents (Joseph Kearns and Bea Benaderet) speak with the attending physician (Frank Nelson). Jack himself pays the doctor's bill, having saved $800 in the first few minutes of his life. As a boy in grade school, Jack's arithmetic problems are thrown off when his teachers refuse to take compound interest into account.
Young Jack takes violin lessons from Professor La Blanc, who has the same kind of problems with him that Adult Jack does. At his high school graduation, Jack plays "Love in Bloom", as Professor La Blanc still tries to collect his fee. Jack's schooling is interrupted by World War I, which he attended despite being too young. Jack's parents seem inordinately eager to get rid of him. During the war, Jack's parents move without telling him, and so Jack goes into vaudeville.
Afterwards, Jack goes into radio, and assembles his cast. He finds Mary in the May Company, finds Phil in the gutter, and finds Don everywhere. In the singing department, he seems to skip Frank Parker, Kenny Baker and others, and goes straight to Dennis. (In the orchestral department, Frank Black and Johnny Green have been un-personed as well). With his cast complete, Jack moves into his Beverly Hills home with Rochester.
SITCOM AGAIN: Jack approves Georgie's story, and sends Rochester to the airport with his bags. Jack goes to do his TV Show (which he seems to be doing from California now, rather than New York, as he did last season).
Rochester notices that the telephone is off the hook. Phil is still on the line, waiting to tell his joke about Colorado sunbathers. Jack bites, but it wasn't worth waiting for.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Georgie Jessel, Harry Shearer
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Bea Benaderet, Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs
MINOR ROLES: Frank Martin, Johnny McGovern, Del Sharbutt, Blanche Stewart
DON'S INTRO: "The Friar's Club is giving Jack Benny a dinner to commemorate his 20 years in radio. As we look in on Jack now, he's rehearsing his speech for the occasion."
JOKE: [0:50]
Rochester: “Say, boss. This party they’re giving you. How long is it going to last?”
Jack: “Oh, it’ll start about 8:30, it should be over by 11:00.”
Rochester: “You call that a party??”
Jack: “Rochester, I think that’s long enough for a party. From 8:30 to 11:00.”
Rochester: “For us, that’s known as The Children’s Hour.”
JOKE: [1:15]
Jack: “And Rochester, while I’m gone, forward all my mail to the Waldorf Astoria.”
Rochester: “Are you staying at the Waldorf?”
Jack: “Yes.”
Rochester: “I made a reservation for you at the Acme Plaza.”
Jack: “Just forget about it.”
Rochester: “We can’t, boss, we can’t.”
Jack: “Why not?”
Rochester: “They’re holding two clean sheets for you!”
Jack: “Gee, what they won’t do for celebrities.”
NOTE: Jack actually stayed at the Waldorf in the days before he was too cheap (3/7/37) and made jokes about which elevator had the best floor show, and the like.
NOTE: [2:10] Milton Berle, George Burns, Jesse Block, Eddie Cantor, Fred Allen, and Georgie Jessel will be at Jack’s dinner at the Friars.
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [2:20] (Fred Allen is coming to the Friar's Dinner)
Mary: “Jack, they asked Fred Allen to come??”
Jack: “Well, they weren’t going to, but I insisted he be invited.”
Mary: “Aww, that was nice of you. And I hope you’ll forget your silly grudge and talk to him at the banquet.”
Jack: “Mary, these days Allen doesn’t need conversation, he needs food! Believe me.”
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Allen’s Alley was the top rated show in 1946-7, but due to declining ratings and poor health, Fred was off the air by mid-1949. References to this fact become commonplace on the Benny show after this time, along with jokes about Fred being down and out, living on the streets, making money selling maps to the star’s homes, et cetera. The things people would kid about in those days…
JOKE: [3:20]
Mary: “Hello?”
Phil: “Hello, Liv?”
Mary: “Oh, it’s you, Phil.”
Phil: “Yes, but on a streetcar, I’m called Desire!”
Mary: “Well… that’s what happens when you write your own stuff.”
JOKE: [4:15] (Phil is getting a dinner, too)
Phil: “Marks is giving me a testimonial next week. I almost cried when they gave me my gift.”
Jack: “They gave you the gift already? What is it?”
Phil: “A baton with a corkscrew on the end of it.”
Jack: “Gosh!”
Phil: “Yeah. I got a little deal with the arranger. From now on he’s writing nothing but upbeats.”
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [5:30] Dennis is going to Waxahachie, TX. He has no friends, relatives or business there, but is going because the name fascinates him. Dennis is going to fly to Waxahachie, but not in a plane (he needs the exercise).
JOKE: [11:30] Jessel tells Jack’s life story, and Jack’s real age slips out.
Georgie: “Ladies and gentlemen, our story starts with the birth of Jack Benny, in the year 1894… just 39 years ago.”
JOKE: [12:30] (Jack is born)
Jack’s Mom: “Look at him, poppa, he’s so cute.”
Jack’s Dad: “Yes. We’ll call him Jackie.”
Jack’s Mom: “Doctor, I want to ask you something. Oh, I know all parents think their children are unusual. But honestly, doctor, isn’t our Jackie different from most babies?”
Frank Nelson: “Oooooooooooh, is he???”
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: They could never resist a chance to let Frank Nelson do his shtick, but honestly it comes off here as too incongruous and forced to be funny.
JOKE: [13:00] (Jack’s birth, continued)
Frank: “Now Mr. Benny, about my fee.”
Jack’s Dad: “Don’t worry, Doctor. Just mail your bill and my son Jackie will send you a check.”
Frank: “Thank you, uh, wait a minute! Your son here? Jackie? He’s only a few minutes old. How can he send me a check?”
Jack’s Dad: “I don’t know how he did it but he’s already saved $800.”
JOKE: [13:50] (Georgie narrates Jack's life)
Georgie: “Ah, but Jackie was a happy little child, and all day long he used to sit in his crib, playing with his toys.”
KA-CHING!
JOKE: [14:00] (Jessel’s monologue continues)
Georgie: “As he grew older, his parents gave him everything he wanted. But Jack wasn’t an only child. He had a younger sister, named Florence. Today he has an older sister named Florence.”
JOKE: [14:30] (A scene from Jack’s school days)
Georgie: “The years passed and finally Jackie entered school. As a student, he was exceptionally bright, particularly in arithmetic.
Jack’s Teacher: “And now for the next question, I will call on Jackie Benny.
Young Jack: “Yes, teacher.”
Jack’s Teacher: “Now Jackie, if you loaned $10 to Albert, and $5 to Irving and $15 to Tommy, and they all paid you back at once, how much money would you have?”
Young Jack: “$31.”
Jack’s Teacher: “I’m sorry, Jackie. But the correct answer is $30.”
Young Jack: “What about the interest?”
Jack’s Teacher: “Oh, yes, I forgot. And that reminds me, Jackie. I’ll pay you the money I owe you Friday.
Young Jack: “Good, good. Then I’ll give you back your wristwatch.”
NOTE: Young Jack Benny is played by Harry Shearer, better known today as Ned Flanders, Mr. Burns, Principal Skinner, and other characters on "The Simpsons".
JOKE: [15:00] (Georgie narrates Jack's Life Story)
Georgie: “It was easy to see there was something about Jackie that was different from other boys. In his class there was one little boy who lived near the stockyards. There was another whose home was above a livery stable. Still another who lived next door to a glue factory. Yet Jackie was the only boy in the class called Stinky.”
JOKE: [19:10]
Georgie: “With the advent of radio, many new stars were made overnight. One of the brightest was the man who always opened his show with…”
Jack: “Hello again?”
Georgie: “From this he became a star?? When Jack realized he was a big hit in radio, he decided to get his own program. First he looked for an announcer. He didn’t have to look far because Don Wilson was everywhere.”
JOKE: [20:30] (Georgie recounts Jack’s first meeting with Mary)
Jack: "How about having dinner with me tonight?"
Mary: "I'm sorry, but I never let strangers buy me dinner."
Jack: "Good! You're my type!"
JOKE: [22:30] (Georgie is telling Jack's life story)
Georgie: "Then one day Jack was crossing Vine Street. He stepped off the curb, and…"
Jack: "Whoops, sorry. I almost tripped over you. I didn't see you."
Phil: "I didn't see you either, I was face down."
JOKE: [22:30] (Georgie is telling Jack's life story)
Georgie: "And so Jack moved into his new home at which he still resides. The house is located in Beverly Hills. The day he moved in, his next door neighbor exclaimed…"
Dennis as Ronald Colman: "About the fence, Benita, do you honestly think that 20 feet will be high enough?"
HARRISISM (BRAGADOCIO): [24:00]
Rochester: "Wait a minute, what's the receiver doing off the phone?"
Jack: "Huh? Oh, my goodness! I was talking to Phil, and I told him to hold the wire! I wonder if… Hello, Phil? Are you still there?"
Phil: "Yeah, go ahead Jackson, ask me, ask me!"
Jack: "Okay, Phil. All right, why won't the girls who live in the Rockies take sunbaths?"
Phil: "Because the mountains peek! Oh, Harris, you may have had to wait 20 minutes, but you got it in, Dad!!"
NOTE: The program was transcribed (recorded in advance) on October 18, 1951 {BC}
BOTTOM LINE: A strong episode. The subject matter (a narrative of Jack's life) makes it the kind of episode that stands out from the crowd, and it's carried off very well. The play comes off more as "The Life of Jack Benny as Told by Fred Allen", than as told by Georgie Jessel, but Jessel has the right delivery to make it work.
9. 11/11/51 JACK BENNY IN 1971 (25:44)
NOTE: Episode Lost
NOTE: Jack tells reporters what the Jack Benny program will sound like in 1971.
NOTE: The program was transcribed (recorded in advance) on October 25, 1951
10. 11/18/51 "SATURDAY'S HERO"
NOTE: Episode Lost
NOTE: The gang do their version of the Columbia movie "Saturday's Hero"
11. 11/25/51 JACK AND MARY SEE "GOLDEN GIRL" WITH DENNIS (22:45)
SITCOM: Rochester answers the phone at Jack's house. It's his girlfriend Susie, asking if he can get the evening off. He can't.
Jack comes in from playing his violin at a wedding the night before. They both hear the strains of "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon" coming from the living room piano. It turns out to be coming from Polly, who can not only play the song, but can sing it as well, ever since Rochester lined her cage with a copy. Mary arrives, with a story about being helped across the street by a jockey (less funny than it sounds). She notices Polly playing Jack's song, so Jack orders Polly put back in her cage. (Nobody's giving his song the bird, or vice versa). Dennis comes in and does his routine. Jack asks to hear the song he's going to do on the program, so Dennis sings "Frosty the Snowman".
After the song, Polly is out of the cage again, and back at the piano. Phil arrives. He and Jack discuss possible cuts in the program to get it down to time (funnier than it sounds).
Phil and Dennis leave. Jack bemoans having no time to relax on his day off, so Mary suggests he go to the new Lou Holtz/Burt Wheeler show, "Merry Go Round". Jack suggests a movie instead, so he and Mary take a walk out to Hollywood Boulevard to see what's showing. On Hollywood Boulevard, Jack tries to cross the street against the light ("What you won't do since you joined the Blue Cross"). Mary suggests seeing The Blue Veil, with Jane Wyman and Charles Laughton. Jack is a little peeved at Jane for not speaking to him on the street since she got the Academy Award, but realizes that she never did before, either. Mary notices that "Golden Girl" is playing at Grauman's Chinese. Since Dennis appears in this picture, they go to see it.
Jack buys the tickets (Have you ever noticed that he's slightly little less cheap onscreen than off? All his worst moments are things we hear about after the fact). Since gender-specific names are still permissible in these days, an usherette directs them to their seats. She helps Jack and Mary off with their coats, and even provides lip service for Jack (sexier than it sounds). The travelogue mentions beautiful Sorano, from whence the swallows came. Mary still has problems with the word 'whence', but you can't argue with a film. The movie starts. The hat of the woman in front of Jack blocks his view. He asks her to remove her chapeau, and it turns out to be Dennis' mother, Lucretia, still as irascible as ever. She refuses to remove the hat. The fellow in front of Mary is blocking her view as well, but it turns out to be Dennis, sitting on the magazines he was selling earlier. Jack starts to chew Dennis out for not backing him up with his mom. An argument ensues, and when the other patrons jump in on Dennis' side, Jack walks out.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Verna Felton, Veola Vonn
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Mel Blanc, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Guerny Bell, Frank Martin, Del Sharbutt, Marty Sperzel, Blanche Stewart
DON'S INTRO: [Cut from the surviving recording]
NOTE: The public recording of this episode is another edited for re-broadcast version, with the product plugs removed.
STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN AND RADIO: [0:50]
Rochester: "Mr. Benny's residence, star of stage, screen, radio and is beginning to get a feeling of security in television".
JOKE: [1:30]
Jack: "Good morning, Rochester."
Rochester: "Good morning, boss. How did you do at the wedding last night?"
Jack: "Oh, it was... wait a minute. Rochester, how did you know I went to a wedding?
Rochester: "Well, I overheard you on the phone last night, and you were dickering about the price."
Jack: "Well, how did you know I played my violin at a wedding?"
Rochester: "Well, for three bucks, I knew it wasn't the Hollywood Bowl."
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [5:00] Dennis comes in with a sob story about selling magazines for to help ailing family members. When Jack methodically picks the story apart, Dennis comes back with "If you were sympathetic instead of nosy, you'd buy a magazine." After the song, Dennis interprets Jack's compliments as being due to guilt for not having bought a magazine.
JOKE: [6:15]
Mary: "Hello, Dennis."
Dennis: "Want to buy a magazine?"
Jack: "No, she doesn't want to buy a magazine! And I don’t want to hear another word about magazines! Now, what song are you going to sing?"
Dennis: "Let me Collyer Sweetheart."
Jack: "Now, cut that out!!"
JOKE: [9:45]
Phil: "Well, as I live and breathe! Mary!"
Mary: "I'd like to live too, so breathe the other way."
HARRISISM (SELF CONGRATULATIONS): [10:00]
Jack: "Now Phil, what is it?"
Phil: "Well look, Jackson, after rehearsal yesterday, I got to thinking. You'd said the program was too long and you'd like to make some cuts."
Jack: "That's right, we'll have to take out, oh, I'd say 2 minutes."
Phil: "Well, that's what I'm getting at, Jackson. Rather than sacrifice any of my sparkling dialogue, I can get the time out of my music."
Jack: "Really?"
Phil: "Yeah, certainly. You see, I can cut the allegro movement of my orchestra number, just leave the pizzicato for the violins."
Jack: "Well… yes. Yes, you could."
Phil: "And then, you see, if I have to, I can fade the last 8 measures of pianissimo, and segue to the andante."
Jack: "Well… what do you think, Mary?"
Mary: "You're not going to get me into this."
Jack: "Well, I think it's a very good suggestion, Phil, but we'll only do it if we're stuck for time, you know?"
Phil: "Hey Jackson, hey ain't it funny how we fool our audience and make 'em think that I'm a dumb guy and don't know nothin' about music?"
Jack: "Yes. Well, you know, that's show business."
Phil: "Yeah. You know, Jackson, some time I'd like to play something classical, just to show the people I can do it."
Jack: "Well, that would be a surprise, Phil. What would you play?"
Phil: "Oh, I don't know, something by Rimsky-Korsakov, or Beethoven, or Schubert, or Willie Hoffie."
Jack: "Willie Hoffie?? Phil, Willie Hoffie, he's a billiard champion. What song did he ever write?
Phil: "Please Don't Chalk About Me When I'm Gone! Oh, Harris! Oh Philsie, you started out as a lousy bandleader, and now you're the King of Comedy, you dog!!"
Jack: "Mary. Mary, did you hear that?"
Mary: "I'm still sick from Let Me Collyer Sweetheart."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: The payoff is a bit weak for such a long joke, but luckily the setup is so entertaining by itself.
RUNNING GAGS: There's a running gag in this episode about LA smog. Jack didn't realize that a 6 story building on Hollywood Boulevard was really 12 stories until the smog cleared. Likewise, Grauman's Chinese Theater believed they had a balcony.
JOKE: (At Grauman's)
Usherette: "May I help you, please?"
Jack: "Yes, yes, we'd like two seats."
Usherette: "Follow me. How far down?"
Jack: "Oh, about midway."
Usherette: "Yes sir. Center or on the aisle?"
Mary: "In the center, please."
Usherette: "Yes, ma'am."
Jack: "Gee Mary, we're lucky. We came in during the travelogue."
Usherette: "Here we are. Will these seats do?"
Mary: "Oh, they're fine."
Usherette: "I'm so glad. Here Miss, let me help you off with your coat. There we are. Now, let me help you with your coat, sir. There we are."
Jack: "Thank you."
Usherette: "Now, pucker up."
Jack: "Pucker up?"
Usherette: "Yes. I'm going to kiss you. Here."
Jack: "Say!! What is this?"
Usherette: "Since television, we're giving all the service we can."
JOKE: [18:40] (At the theater)
Jack: "Excuse me, Mrs. Day. I'm Jack Benny."
Lucretia: "Who gave you the passes??"
NOTE: My copy of this episode runs 20 minutes. A lot must be missing. At the end, it has 2 minutes of the 11/14/54 episode, which itself is a re-make of the 11/24/40 "Dinner at Don's" episode.
BOTTOM LINE: An okay, but unremarkable episode. The movie sketch goes on for quite a while with no real payoff at the end. The smog jokes are a little too goofy to be funny. Any excuse to get Mrs. Day in is usually good, but they didn't have much even for her to do. The sequences at Jack's house work but don't excel. The gag of Polly playing Jack's song on the piano doesn't go anywhere either. It sounds like a buildup to something, especially when Polly gets out of the cage again, but the something never comes.
12. 12/02/51 JACK BUYS DON CUFF LINKS FOR CHRISTMAS (28:10)
SITCOM: Jack is in a Beverly Hills Department Store for the annual Christmas Shopping episode. Jack can't decide what to buy Don, so Mary suggests cuff links. At the Jewelry Counter, Jack meets Mel Blanc, who has no memory of similar encounters with Jack in recent years. Mel shows Jack a pair of $1.98 cufflinks, but Mary finds a better pair of solid gold ones for $40. Jack balks, but Mary lays a guilt trip on Jack. After all, Don has been with him for 18 years, and deserves something nice. Jack breaks down and buys the $40 cuff links, and orders them to be engraved with a "D" on one cufflink, and a "W" on the other.
Jack goes to Sporting Goods to buy something for Phil. Mary goes to the Hosiery counter to buy something for her sister Babe, but they don't carry hose in Size 16. Elsewhere, Dennis buys a Size 44 corset for his mother after much hilarity. Jack and Mary run into Mr. Kitzel, who is buying electric trains for his son, without much hilarity. Kitzel wanders off, singing a Jewish-themed version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town".
Jack has second thoughts about Don's gift, and returns to the cufflink counter to change it. Jack asks to change the engraving to read "DW" on both cufflinks", in order to save people who see one from making a long trip to see the other. Mel objects that the package has already been wrapped, but Jack insists.
Jack goes to Sporting Goods to buy a present for Phil, and encounters Frank Nelson. Frank leaves Jack alone to consider what to purchase. Jack catches his nose in the register after watching other people's purchases too carefully. Jack and Mary meet the store's Santa Claus, but beat a hasty retreat when they see that he is the Racetrack Tout. Jack and Mary meet Don, who has just been suspected by store security of shoplifting a missing piano. Don has bought a syncopated clock for his sponsor. When wound, it sounds a heckuva lot like the Sportsmen singing a Lucky Strike version of an unidentified popular song. (Exactly where does one go to purchase Lucky Strike merchandise? Do they have their own versions of The Coca-Cola Store?) Don muses about whether to sign the card as Don Wilson or Donald Harlow Wilson. With horror, Jack realizes that Don has a middle name, and heads back to the cufflink counter. Mel is extremely upset over having to change the order again (this time to read "DHW" on both cufflinks), but Jack insists.
Jack and Mary see Rochester buying a tie for Jack. Unfortunately, Rochester's salary forces him to spend money the same way Jack does.
Jack and Mary return to the cufflink counter. Mel has made the new changes to the engraving, but Jack now wants to exchange the $40 cufflinks for the $1.98 ones. Mel shoots himself.
Jack and Mary see a kid sitting on Santa's lap, and, for no particular reason, decide to listen in. As mentioned, Santa is the Racetrack Tout, who tries to talk the kid out of getting a bicycle in favor of a fire truck. Jack goes to the Lingerie department to buy something for his sister Florence, and encounters the Stevedore Salesclerk, who has the same aversion to lace that he's always had. Jack buys a Size 34 nightie for his sister, who probably doesn't appreciate having her measurements revealed on coast to coast radio. Jack meets Don again. Don has finished his shopping and even bought a set of $40 cufflinks for his garbage man. The only other pair the store had was a $1.98 set that he wouldn't give to his dog.
TAG: Jack and Mary encounter Mr. Kitzel buying a present for his boss. The punchline is that Mr. Kitzel's boss is named Shapiro. (Did I mention that Mr. Kitzel really got short-changed on funny lines this week?)
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Elliot Lewis, Harry Shearer
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, Sheldon Leonard, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs
MINOR ROLES: Frank Martin, Del Sharbutt, The Sportsmen Quartet, Blanche Stewart
DON'S INTRO: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go down to a local department store where Jack and Mary have gone to do their Christmas shopping."
NOTE: Jack's encounter with Mel is the latest in a long series of Christmas encounters with Mel Blanc, that began in 1947. Each encounter involves Jack buying a present for Don and driving Mel nuts by constantly exchanging it. Here is the history of these encounters:
12/08/1946: Jack buys shoelaces, keeps exchanging Plastic and Metal Tips for each other.
12/21/1947: Mel remembers last year and goes nuts when Jack talks about exchanging something, but nothing is actually exchanged.
12/19/1948: Jack buys a wallet, but keeps changing the card. Finally, he exchanges the wallet itself. This one was later re-made for Jack's television show.
1949: No installment.
12/17/1950: Mel remembers the shoelace incident, but not the wallet. Jack buys golf tees, and threatens to exchange wooden for celluloid, but as in 1947, Mel goes nuts before anything is actually exchanged.
12/02/1951: Jack buys cuff links, and keeps changing the engraving. Finally changes the links themselves (similar to 1948).
12/14/1952: Jack buys a gopher trap, and keeps exchanging between the lethal and non-lethal models.
12/13/1953: Jack buys dates, and keeps exchanging between ones with nuts and ones without.
12/05/1954: Jack buys paints, and keeps exchanging between oil and water colors. Mel escapes early, so Jack drives his wife, Bea Benaderet crazy instead.
NOTE: Jack mentions wanting to buy presents for his sound effects man, Engineer and Script Girl.
JOKE: [1:00]
Mary: "By the way, Jack, what are you giving your four writers?"
Jack: "My four writers? Oh, something they can really use."
Mary: "What's that?"
Jack: "A fifth writer.
JOKE: [2:10] (In addition to $1.98 cuff links the store has a more expensive set)
Mel: "They're solid gold."
Jack: "Gold? Uh… how much are they?"
Mel: "$40."
Jack: "Forty… dollars?"
Mel: "The cheap ones turn green."
Mary: "He sure did, didn't he?"
NOTE: $40 for solid gold cuff links??? Those were the days, weren't they?
JOKE: [4:40]
Clerk: "I said can I help you?"
Dennis: "Oh, are you a clerk?"
Clerk: "Just for the Christmas rush. I'm really Glen McCarthy and I'm only working here to pay my income tax."
NOTE: Glenn McCarthy's name has come up once or twice in the last season. McCarthy was a Texas wildcatter and famous oil tycoon, who opened the Shamrock Hotel, which existed in Houston, Texas from 1949 to 1987. The Shamrock has also been plugged several times on Benny Shows. Apparently, Jack really stayed there. I was there a few times as a kid, but had no idea that Jack Benny had stayed there. Not that it would have mattered if I had, as I had little idea who Jack Benny was back then.
NOTE: Mr. Kitzel gets a REALLY good round of applause after his appearance, despite having no good lines in today's episode. He must have been really popular.
JOKE: [9:35] (Buying Phil a present)
Jack: "Look, I came here to get something for a friend of mine. Now, he's the rugged type."
Frank Nelson: "Well, there's always camping equipment. Does he sleep outdoors much?"
Jack: "Yes, sometimes right in front of his house."
JOKE: [10:00] (Jack can't decide what to buy Phil)
Frank: "Well, while you're making up your little mind, I'll wait on another customer."
Jack: "Okay, do you mind if I fool around with this gun?
Frank: "Go right ahead, it's loaded."
JOKE: (Jack watches Frank ring up other customer's purchases)
Frank: "That'll be $8.76, Madame."
[Ka-Ching!]
Jack: "Gee!"
Frank: "Have you decided on that tennis racket, young man? Good, that'll be $12.75."
[Ka-Ching!]
Jack: "Gosh!... Ouch!!"
Frank: "Finally got your nose caught in it, didn't you?????"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: In light of the comedic "Rule of Threes", it somehow seems as though Jack should have got his nose caught in the register on the third purchase, not the second. A small point, perhaps, but it just feels a little off. Oddly enough, although I haven't seen an honest to goodness mechanical cash register in years, yet everyone still seems to know what that Ka-Ching sound means. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rule_of_three_(writing)
JOKE: [11:15] (Jack bumps into Phil)
Jack: "Well, I'm nearly finished with my shopping."
Phil: "The five bucks is almost gone, huh?"
Jack: "Phil, for your information, I just spent $40 on Don Wilson!"
Phil: "What'd you do? Take him to lunch?"
FLUB: There's a good flub at 16:55, when Jack flubs Don's middle initial.
JOKE: [18:30] (Rochester buys a present for Jack)
Rochester: "Three dollars and fifty cents?"
Clerk: "That isn't too much to spend on a present for your employer."
Rochester: "Oh, it isn't. I don't mind spending the money but I just can't afford it. He doesn't pay me much."
Clerk: "Oh. Well then, here's a nice tie for 79 cents."
Rochester: "How much down?"
TOUT: [20:20] (The Racetrack Tout plays Department Store Santa)
Tout: "Hiya, Sonny."
Little Boy: "Hello, Santa."
Tout: "What do you want St. Nick to bring you for Christmas?"
Little Boy: "I'd like a toy."
Tout: "What kind?"
Little Boy: "A bicycle."
Tout: "Uh uh."
Little Boy: "Huh?"
Tout: "Get a Fire Truck."
Little Boy: "But I want a bicycle."
Tout: "Bicycle hasn't got a chance."
Little Boy: "Why not?"
Tout: "Bicycle… tires."
Little Boy: "Gee, I never thought of that. I know what, Santa. Just bring me a pair of roller skates."
Tout: "Now, that is the worst choice you could make."
Little Boy: "What?"
Tout: "Roller skates are no good in the mud."
Little Boy: "Well, in that case… I know what I'll do."
Tout: "What?"
Little Boy: "C'mere a minute."
Tout: "Huh?"
Little Boy: "I'm gonna get a high-powered BB gun."
Tout: "Why a high-powered BB gun?"
Little Boy: "It's a long shot."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: The little boy is, again played by Harry Shearer. Would you ever imagine that this cute little kid would grow up to be Montgomery Burns??
CONTINUITY NOTE: Jack describes the Tout to Mary as "the Tout I always see at the racetrack." In actuality, Jack almost never encounters him at a racetrack. However, since Jack doesn't directly interact with the Tout in this encounter, his identity AS a racetrack tout has got to be established for anyone who doesn't know. In most sketches, it's obvious, because he approaches Jack with advice. This Santa Claus sketch is the only time that someone went to him.
NOTE: Jack closes with a PSA for wartime blood donation. Of course, it's better to make the enemy donate the blood, but it's still a nice gesture.
TOBACCO NEWS: New lyrics for the old "Be Happy Go Lucky Song". The new ones go "Be happy, go lucky, be happy get better taste. Be happy, go lucky, get better taste today." It seems unfair that the lyricist got extra money for such a tiny change, while the melody writer gets nothing.
JOKE: [0:19]
Don: "The Lucky Strike Program, starring Jack Benny! With Mary Livingstone, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, The Sportsmen Quartet, and yours truly, Don Wilson!"
[music]
Don: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go down to a local department store where Jack and Mary have gone to do their Christmas shopping."
[store noises]
Jack: "Gosh Mary, no matter how early you do your Christmas shopping, the stores are always crowded."
Mary: "Yeah."
Jack: "Now, let's see, I have to get a present for sponsor, my sound effects man, my engineer, my script girl…"
Mary: "By the way, Jack, what are you giving your four writers?"
Jack: "My four writers? Oh, something they can really use."
Mary: "What's that?"
Jack: "A fifth writer. Now Mary, I know what to get everyone in the cast except Don Wilson. Do you have any suggestions?"
Mary: "Well, the jewelry counter is over there. Why don't you get him a nice pair of cufflinks?"
Jack: "Say, that's a good idea. Come on, Mary."
[segue]
Jack: "Here we are."
Mel Blanc: "Yes sir, what can I do for you?"
Jack: "I uh, I'd like to see some cuff links."
Mel: "Well, we have a large variety. All the ones you see here are $1.98."
Jack: "A dollar ninety-eight?"
Mel: "Yes sir."
Mary: "Uh Jack, here's some better looking cuff links in this case."
Jack: "Oh, yes. I think Don would like this pair."
Mel: "They're solid gold."
Jack: "Gold? Uh… how much are they?"
Mel: "$40."
Jack: "Forty… dollars?"
Mel: "The cheap ones turn green."
Mary: "He sure did, didn't he?"
Jack: "Hmmm…"
Mary: "Look, Jack. Don has been with you 18 years. It's about time you got him something nice."
Jack: "You know, Mary, you're right. I'm going to get Don these gold cuff links. He deserves it. Mister, I'll take these $40 cuff links."
Mel: "Yes, sir."
Jack: "Does that include the engraving?"
Mel: "Yes, yes, we do it right here. It only takes a few minutes."
Jack: "Good. Now, clerk. These cuff links are for a friend of mine named Don Wilson. So, put a 'D' on one cuff link, and a 'W' on the other."
Mel: "Yes, sir."
Jack: "Have them gift wrapped and see that Mr. Wilson gets them before Christmas. The CBS Studio."
Mel: "Yes, sir."
Jack: "Come on, Mary, let's go to the Sporting Goods section. I want to pick out something for Phil."
Mary: "Wait a minute, Jack. I want to stop at the Hosiery counter first."
Jack: "Okay."
[segue]
Clerk: "May I help you?"
Mary: "Yes, I'd like to see some nylons, please."
Clerk: "Surely. Are they for yourself?"
Mary: "No, my sister."
Jack: "Oh, you're buying something for Babe? Stockings?"
Mary: "Yes."
Clerk: "What size?"
Mary: Sixteen and a half."
Clerk: "I beg your pardon. What size stocking did you say?"
Mary: Sixteen and a half."
Clerk: "Madame, the boxes don't come that big."
Jack: "Mary. Maybe you made a mistake. Babe's feet can't be that large."
Mary: "Yes they are, Jack. That's why she's in such demand during the grape crushing season."
Jack: "Oh. Well Mary, why don't you get her present later? I'd like to finish my shopping first."
Mary: "Just a minute, Jack. As long as we're here at the Stocking counter, I'd like to buy a pair for myself."
Jack: "Mary, you don't have to buy stockings. I was going to give you some for Christmas."
Mary: "I'll buy my own! I wore the stockings you gave me last year and everybody thought I was a nurse!"
Jack: "Well, how do I know what kind you want? Now, hurry up, Mary, cause I want to pick out something for Phil."
[segue]
Clerk (Joseph Kearns): "May I help you, young man?"
Dennis: "Huh?"
Clerk: "I said can I help you?"
Dennis: "Oh, are you a clerk?"
Clerk: "Just for the Christmas rush. I'm really Glen McCarthy and I'm only working here to pay my income tax."
Dennis: "Oh. Well gee, I'd like to get something for my parents."
Clerk: "Your mother and father, eh?"
Dennis: "Yeah, how did you know?"
Clerk: "Oh, I just figured it out."
Dennis: "Oh. Well, I think I'll get my mother a new corset."
Clerk: "Well, don't you think she should come down and pick out her own corset?"
Dennis: "Oh, mother hasn't left the house for three days."
Clerk: "Oh, is she sick?"
Dennis: "No, the string broke on her old one. She can't get through the door."
Clerk: "Oh, that's too bad.
Dennis: "Yeah, we were spending a quiet evening at home, when all of a sudden, SPROING!! [Somethings?] flew in all directions."
Clerk: "Oh, my goodness! Was anybody hurt?"
Dennis: "No, but my father got pinned to the wall. Well anyway, wrap up that Size 44 corset, and I'll take it with me."
Clerk: "Yes, sir."
[segue]
Jack: "Now, let's see, Mary, the Sporting Goods counter should be…"
Kitzel: "Hello, Mr. Benny!"
Jack: "Well!! Hello! Hello! Hello, Mr. Kitzel."
Kitzel: "I see Yule time is catching up with you. You too, Miss Livingstone."
Mary: "Yes. Are you doing your Christmas shopping, Mr. Kitzel?"
Kitzel: "Hoo, hoo, hoo! Look at these armfuls of bundles. Ooh, the things I am buying. For my wife I am getting a house coat, and for my nephew I am getting some electric trains."
Jack: "Lionel?"
Kitzel: "No, his name is Sam."
Jack: "Oh."
Kitzel: "Well, excuse me, Mr. Benny, I've got to run over to the liquor department and buy a present for my brother. I'm going to get him some of that very expensive imported brandy."
Jack: "Oh. Napoleon?"
Kitzel: "No, his name is Lionel."
Jack: "Oh."
Kitzel: "Well. Good to see you. Goodbye, Mr. Benny."
Mary: "Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel, and Merry Christmas."
Jack: "Merry Christmas, Mr. Kitzel."
Same to you. You'd better not pout, you'd cry. You'd better watch out, I'm telling you why. Shlomo [?] Claus is coming to town."
Jack: "Now, lets see, where was I going?"
Mary: "Jack, you'd better get Phil's present now. I think the Sporting Goods is over here."
Jack: "Yeah, we'll go over, and… just a minute, Mary."
Mary: "What's the matter?
Jack: "I've been thinking about Don's gift. I'm afraid I have it engraved wrong. I'm going back to the Jewelry Department. Come on."
[segue]
Jack: "Oh, clerk? Clerk?
Mel: "Yes, sir?"
Jack: "Remember me? I bought a $40 pair of gold cuff links here a few minutes ago and I'd like to change the engraving."
Mel: "But mister, I've already got it wrapped with ribbon and tinsel and everything."
Jack: "I'm sorry, but I want you to change the engraving so you'll have to open it up."
Mel: "But mister, I…"
Jack: "Now, please, I'm a customer here! Now, open it up!"
Mel: "Okay."
[unwrapping sound]
Mel: "Now, what do you want?"
Jack: "Well, the way it is now, there's a D on one cuff link and a W on the other. Now, I want you to put both initials on each one of them."
Mel: "Okay, I'll go fix it."
Mary: "Jack, that's ridiculous. What's wrong with the way it was?"
Jack: "Well, with Don Wilson, it's the only sensible thing to do. You see, when Don wears them, people will see the D on one cuff link and they'll be curious to see what's on the other one. And I want to save them that long walk. Now clerk, wrap it nicely with the tinsel and the ribbon."
Mel: "I'll wrap it, I'll wrap it!"
Jack: "Come on, Mary, now we can go to the Sporting Goods Department."
[segue]
Jack: "Well, here we are."
Mary: "Gee, they sure have a nice assortment of guns and hunting equipment, Jack."
Jack: "Yes, I think I should be able to get something for Phil, here. Oh, clerk? Clerk?
Frank Nelson: "Weeeell!! You're back again this year!"
Jack: "Would you mind helping me?"
Frank: "Certainly, across which aisle?"
Jack: "Now, don't be so smart!"
Mary: "Jack, don't start an argument with him. Just buy Phil's present."
Jack: "Look, I came here to get something for a friend of mine. Now, he's the rugged type."
Frank: "Well, there's always camping equipment. Does he sleep outdoors much?"
Jack: "Yes, sometimes right in front of his house."
Frank: "Oh!"
Jack: "See, I don't know what to get him."
Frank: "Well, while you're making up your little mind, I'll wait on another customer."
Jack: "Okay, do you mind if I fool around with this gun?
Frank: "Go right ahead, it's loaded."
Jack: "Gosh, you know, Mary, it's hard to buy something for Phil."
Mary: "Um, maybe he'd like this fishing rod."
Jack: "Yes, say, that might be nice! Oh, clerk?"
Frank: "Just a minute, I have other customers!"
Jack: "Yes sir, I'll wait."
Frank: "That'll be $8.76, Madame."
[Ka-Ching!]
Jack: "Gee!"
Frank: "Have you decided on that tennis racket, young man? Good, that'll be $12.75."
[Ka-Ching!]
Jack: "Gosh! Ouch!!"
Frank: "Finally got your nose caught in it, didn't you!!!!!"
Jack: "Never mind, just give me that fishing rod! Now, wrap it up and I'll call for it later. Come on, Mary, we'll… oh, don't say anything. Here comes Phil now."
Phil: "Hiya, Jackson, I… Hello Livvy, you little fugitive from the doll counter, you!"
Mary: "Hello, Phil. You're certainly carrying a lot of packages."
Phil: "Yeah, been shopping all day. Got presents for everybody. How about you two?"
Jack: "Well, I'm nearly finished with my shopping."
Phil: "The five bucks is almost gone, huh?"
Jack: "Phil, for your information, I just spent $40 on Don Wilson!"
Phil: "What'd you do? Take him to lunch?"
Jack: "No, I…"
Mary: "Look out, Phil! One of your packages is slipping!"
Jack: "Yeah, yeah, there it goes!"
[sound of breaking glass and draining liquid]
Phil: "Darnit, now I've gotta get Remley another present."
Jack: "Mary, let's move away, I'm getting dizzy here. See you later, Phil."
Phil: "So long, kids!"
Mary: "Goodbye, Phil."
Jack: "Come on, Mary, I've still got to get something for my sister, Florence."
[segue]
Mary: "Oh Jack, look! There's Santa Claus."
Jack: "Yeah, look at him. With his red suit and white beard."
Mary: "Uh Jack, he's coming towards us."
Jack: "I'm going to talk to him. Hello, Santa."
Tout: "Hiya, Bud."
Jack: "Huh?"
Tout: "Long time no see."
Jack: "Come on, Mary, let's get away from here."
Mary: "Uh Jack. Uh, uh, wasn't that the…"
Jack: "Yes, that's the Tout I always see at the race track. Imagine, of all people being Santa Claus. Now, let's see, I might get something for my sister."
Don: "Oh Jack, Jack!"
Mary: "Hello, Don."
Jack: "Hello, Don."
Don: "Hello, Mary. Oh gee, what trouble I'm having in this store. I wish I didn't have such a big stomach."
Jack: "Why?"
Don: "Well, it seems there's a piano missing and they've searched me three times."
Jack: "Well, it's your own fault, Don. You should diet once in a while."
Don: "Yeah, I guess so. Oh, say Jack, I'm glad I bumped into you. Do you think our sponsor would appreciate an unusual gift like this?"
Mary: "What's so unusual about that? It's just a clock."
Don: "No, no, no, Mary. It's not just a clock, it's a syncopated clock."
Jack: "A syncopated clock?"
Don: "Yeah, I'll show you how it works. Here, I'll wind it up."
[winding sound]
[Sound of The Sportsmen singing a Lucky Strike themed version of a popular song that I just can't place.]
Jack: "Don, that's a wonderful gift. I'm sure the sponsor will be crazy about it."
Don: "I thought you'd like it. But Jack, when I send it to him, should I send the card as Don, or should I be more formal and sign it Donald Harlow Wilson?"
Jack: "Donald Harlow Wilson? Oh, you know him well enough to sign it Don."
Don: "Oh, I guess so. Well, I've got to run along now, I've got to get a present for my wife!"
Mary: "So long."
Jack: "Say, Mary. Did you hear that?"
Mary: "What?"
Jack: "Don's got a middle name. I didn't know that."
Mary: "So what?"
Jack: "So what? Mary, his cuff links. Don would never forgive me if I left out his middle initial."
Mary: "Jack, you mean you're going to…"
Jack: "I'll be back in a minute. I'm going to have the engraving changed."
[segue]
Jack: "Oh, clerk! Clerk!"
Mel: "Yes, what can I… oh, it's you."
Jack: "Yes. I've got a slight change for you in that engraving."
Mel: "Oh no! No, no! First you buy the gift! Then I engrave the gift! Then I wrap the gift! Then you change your mind about the engraving! Then I unwrap the gift! Then I re-engrave the gift! Then I wrap the gift! Now you want me to change the engraving again!!!"
Jack: "Well, never mind that, just unwrap the gift."
Mel: "I've already sent it out to the Delivery Department!!"
Jack: "Well, you'll just have to go down there and get it."
Mel: "What was wrong with it?????"
Jack: "There's nothing wrong with it. It's just that I'd like to add some more engraving."
Mel: "More engraving?? Look mister, that ain't a tombstone, it's a cuff link!!"
Jack: "I know, I want to add his initial, A… I want… I want to add his middle initial, H. Now, go get my package."
Mel: "All right, all right, I'll get it, I'll get it! I'll get it!!"
Jack: "What an eccentric character, eh? Well, Mary, that takes care of that."
Mary: "Well, thank heaven. Now, let's finish your shopping."
Jack: "Say Mary, what do you think I ought to get for my sister, Florence?"
Mary: "Well, I don't know. Lingerie might be nice."
Jack: "Yeah, say that sounds pretty good."
[segue]
Mary: "Oh, look Jack. There's Rochester doing his Christmas shopping, too."
Jack: "Yeah. Shh, I'm going to see what he's getting."
Clerk: "Can I do anything for you?"
Rochester: "Yeah, I'm looking for a Christmas present for my boss."
Clerk: "Your boss, eh? Well, would you like something in a necktie?"
Rochester: "I don't know, that might be all right."
Clerk: "Well, what kind would you like. What kind of a man is your boss?"
Rochester: "Well, he ain't exactly the [?] type, like Errol Flynn. And he ain't exactly quiet like Jack Cooper. Then again, he ain't exactly Bashful like Jimmy Stewart. And on the other hand, he ain't the adventurous type like Humphrey Bogart."
Clerk: "Well, what type is he?"
Rochester: "I don't know what he is, I just know what he ain't!"
Jack: "Hmmm."
Clerk: "Well, here's a nice necktie that will fit any type of man. It's only three dollars and fifty cents."
Rochester: "Three dollars and fifty cents?"
Clerk: "That isn't too much to spend on a present for your employer."
Rochester: "Oh, it isn't. I don't mind spending the money but I just can't afford it. He doesn't pay me much."
Clerk: "Oh. Well then, here's a nice tie for 79 cents."
Rochester: "How much down?"
Jack: "How do you like that?"
Rochester: "I really don't know what to get him."
Clerk: "Let me ask you something. What does your boss usually give you for Christmas?"
Rochester: "Well…"
Clerk: "Well what?"
Rochester: "Well, last year he gave me $5000."
Clerk: "He gave you $5000?? That's hard to believe."
Rochester: "You wouldn't believe the truth either!"
Jack: "Come on, Mary, let's go. I want… oh Mary, I just thought of something. About Don's cuff links."
Mary: "Not again!"
Jack: "Come with me. It'll only take a minute."
[segue]
Jack: "Oh, clerk? Clerk."
Mel: "Here's the package. I got it up from the Delivery Room. And I added the extra initial."
Jack: "Oh, that's too bad. I… I want to change the cuff links."
Mel: "What??"
Jack: "Instead of the $40 ones, I'll take the ones that cost $1.98."
[gun shot]
Jack: "Gee, he was such a young fellow. Well, I'll take the $1.98 cuff links and put the money in his hand. Come on, Mary, let's go."
[segue]
Mary: "Jack. If you're going to buy lingerie for your sister, Florence, I know just the…"
Jack: "Mary. Mary, look."
Mary: "Where?"
Jack: "In the Toy Department. There's a little boy climbing up on Santa Claus' lap."
Mary: "Oh, yes."
Jack: "Let's listen."
Tout: "Hiya, Sonny."
Little Boy: "Hello, Santa."
Tout: "What do you want St. Nick to bring you for Christmas?"
Little Boy: "I'd like a toy."
Tout: "What kind?"
Little Boy: "A bicycle."
Tout: "Uh uh."
Little Boy: "Huh?"
Tout: "Get a fire truck."
Little Boy: "But I want a bicycle."
Tout: "Bicycle hasn't got a chance."
Little Boy: "Why not?"
Tout: "Bicycle… tires."
Little Boy: "Gee, I never thought of that. I know what, Santa. Just bring me a pair of roller skates."
Tout: "Now, that is the worst choice you could make."
Little Boy: "What?"
Tout: "Roller skates are no good in the mud."
Little Boy: "Well, in that case… I know what I'll do."
Tout: "What?"
Little Boy: "C'mere a minute."
Tout: "Huh?"
Little Boy: "I'm gonna get a high-powered BB gun."
Tout: "Why a high-powered BB gun?"
Little Boy: "It's a long shot."
Tout: "Okay. Good luck, Sonny, and Merry Christmas."
Jack: "You know, Mary, if I didn't see that, I wouldn't believe it."
Mary: "Well, come on, Jack, let's buy your sister's present and go home."
Jack: "Okay."
[segue]
Mary: "Well, here's the Lingerie Counter."
Jack: "Yeah. Pardon me, would you mind waiting on us?"
Stevedore Salesclerk: "Duuh, well why not? Your money's as good as anybody's!"
Jack: "Well, could you show me something? In silk lingerie?"
Stevedore Salesclerk: "Coitanly! What's yer size?"
Jack: "Well, they're… they're not for me."
Mary: "Uh, they're for his sister. Size 34."
Stevedore Salesclerk: "Okay. Here's a whole box of 'em."
Mary: "Uh, will you lay the lingerie out for us, please?"
Stevedore Salesclerk: "Just a minute till I put my gloves on."
Jack: "Gloves?"
Stevedore Salesclerk: "Touchin' that stuff wit me bare hands makes me a noivous wreck!"
Jack: "What??"
Stevedore Salesclerk: "Especially the black ones!"
Jack: "Look mister, we haven't got all day. Show us something in a size 34."
Stevedore Salesclerk: "Okay. Here's a nice little garment. A genuine, pure silk nightie."
Mary: "Gee, that's awfully pretty. I think that she'll… wait a minute, Mister. What are all these little loops on the bottom of the nightgown?"
Stevedore Salesclerk: "Da loops?"
Mary: "Yeah, da loops."
Jack: "Yes, what are the loops for?"
Stevedore Salesclerk: "When you go ta bed, you hook them over your toes so the nightgown won't creep up on youse!"
Jack: "Oh, that's wonderful. Gift wrap it and send it to my house."
Stevedore Salesclerk: "Yes, sir!"
Mary: "Jack. Here comes Don again."
Jack: "Oh, hello Don, have you bought your wife's present yet?"
Don: "Yeah, I finished all my shopping. I even bought something for the man who collects our garbage."
Jack: "Oh. Oh, what did you buy him?"
Don: "Forty dollar cuff links!"
Jack: "Don! Forty dollar cuff links for a man who just collects your garbage?"
Don: "Jack, the only others they had were $1.98 and I wouldn't give them to a dog."
Mary: "Well, you can start barking, brother, and Merry Christmas!"
Jack: "Yeah, Merry Christmas, Fido! And see you later. Come on, Mary, let's go home."
[music]
Jack: "Ladies and gentlemen, industry can produce the bombers and munitions, but only you can give the blood that's needed so badly. Make that appointment today."
[Lucky Strike Commercial]
[Tag]
Jack: "Well Mary, I've done all my Christmas shopping, I guess we can go home."
Mary: "Yeah, come on, let's…"
Kitzel: "Hello, Mr. Benny! Imagine running into you again."
Jack: "Mr. Kitzel, I thought you finished your Christmas shopping."
Kitzel: "Well, I had to come back. I forgot to get a present for my boss. I'm buying him a cigarette lighter."
Jack: "Ronson?"
Kitzel: "No, his name is Shapiro."
Jack: "Oh. Good night, folks."
NOTE: The program was transcribed (recorded in advance) on November 25, 1951
BOTTOM LINE: Of all the Christmas shopping episodes in which Jack drives Mel nuts by exchanging things, this one makes the least sense. Engraving a piece of jewelry would surely make it non-exchangable and non-refundable, but Mel keeps making the switches as though all you have to do is take a rubber eraser and wipe out the old engraving. In the 1948 Christmas Shopping episode, Jack finally exchanges the $40 wallet for the $1.98 wallet after inadvertently giving a speech about how it's not the gift, it's the thought that counts. In this episode, they had no time for such exposition, and had Jack make the final exchange for no reason at all.
After Mel shoots himself, Jack puts the money in Mel's hand and takes the $1.98 cufflinks even though they have no engraving at all. (No mention is made of recovering his $40). This really makes no sense at all. It's still funny, though.
And yet, despite nitpicking, this is an absolutely top notch episode.
13. 12/09/51 GUADALAJARA TRIO SINGS JACK'S SONG (24:28)
THE SHOW: The show is broadcasting from Palm Springs. As often happens, Jack and Don spar a bit about Don's opening introduction. Jack objects that he's not staying in a tent, but rather in the El Contento hotel, and so doesn't deserve to be introduced as the Sheik of Araby. It's really… not that funny.
Mary comes in with a saddle stuck to her derriere, after someone glued her to it during a hay ride yesterday. Dennis comes in and does his routine (all about growing, or at least wearing a mustache). Dennis whispers to Mary that he played a great joke on Jack during the breakfast ride yesterday, by pouring glue on one of the saddles. Mary doesn't want to take this news sitting down, but has little choice. Phil arrives, and talks about mixing Palm Springs martinis, using dates instead of olives (after the fourth, you don't even bother spitting out the pits). Dennis finds his mustache, but before he can Don it, Jack has him sing his song. Dennis sings "A Little Bit of Heaven".
Jack has hired the Guadalajara Trio to sing "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon", and asks Don if they've arrived yet. They haven't, and Phil seems quite distressed at the prospect that they will. The phone rings. An operator who sounds a lot like Joan Benny but is in fact script girl Jeanette Eymann, announces that Jack has a long distance call from Rochester. Jack left his razor in the washroom. Rochester didn't mean to call during the program, but the washroom is in a different time zone. It turns out it's also in a railway station.
Phil resumes his pitch to get Jack to forget about doing his song on the program. Jack concedes that the melody to his song may not be the best, but the words are the bee's knees. The Guadalajara Trio arrives. They begin singing Jack's song, but in Spanish. Jack 'WAIT A MINUTE's' the song to a stop.
Jack complains to the Trio's manager about their performance. Their manager turns out to be Mel, and of course, whenever Mel and Mexico are involved, another round of the Si/Cy sketch is sure to follow. This is no exception. Jack dismisses the Trio, and starts to introduce the annual Palm Springs murder mystery, when Charlie Farrell, owner of the Palm Springs Raquet Club, and star of "Seventh Heaven" (though not in that order) arrives to object that Jack always does "Murder at the Racquet Club" when he comes to Palm Springs. According to Charlie, the play gives his joint a bad name, and they've never had a murder there. Jack agrees that this time the murder will take place somewhere else.
THE PLAY: [18:10] "The Palm Springs Murder Mystery", or "He Was Shot at 3:59, And the Body Went Cold at Four." In another thrilling Captain O'Benny adventure, Jack is Captain O'Benny, retired police chief of Palm Springs. The phone rings. It's Mary, calling to report a murder. She'd tried to get Sam Spade, but he's on another network.
Jack arrives at the Murder Scene, and meets an Indian. Upon questioning him, the Indian goes into a routine very similar to Si/Cy, but with Ugh's. The routine quickly devolves into a genuine Si/Cy routine. The Indian claims he was watching Charlie Farrell's all-night showing of "Seventh Heaven" at the Racquet Club when the murder took place. Charlie objects that Jack promised not to have the murder at the Racquet Club this time, but Jack insists that that's where the trail of evidence has led him. Jack asks to interview all of Charlie's guests. Jack goes into the bar to question suspects, and finds the Guadalajara Trio singing Jack's song, but in English this time. Jack quickly loses all interest in the case. The play ends, with no resolution, and no real beginning either.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Charlie Ferrell, Guadalajara Trio
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L. A. Speedy Riggs
MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, Frank Martin, Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, from Palm Springs, that oasis of the desert, we bring you the Sheik of Araby, Jack Benny!"
RUNNING JOKE: [2:00]
Jack: "Well now, we have the usual question. 'Well Mary, what have you been doing since we got to Palm Springs?'"
Mary: "Oh, I did some swimming, played some tennis, and yesterday, for the first time, I went horseback riding."
Jack: "Oh, so that's where you were yesterday."
Mary: "Yeah. First I went on a breakfast ride. When I got back from that, I went on a lunch ride."
Jack: "Uh huh."
Mary: "When I got back from that, I went on a Date Ride."
Jack: "Gee!"
Mary: "And when I got back from that, I went on a Moonlight Barbecue Ride."
Jack: "Mary, how could you eat so much?"
Mary: "Who ate? Somebody put glue on my saddle."
Jack: "Mary, you mean all day yesterday you were stuck to the saddle?"
Mary: "Today too. Why do you think I'm wearing this long skirt?"
Jack: "Oh, oh! When you came through the door, I thought you were hinting for a game of leapfrog."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: In keeping with the show's use of running jokes, this one is revisited several times throughout the episode. The idea with such things is that if it's not funny, the first time, at least maybe it will be funny by the third. That's the IDEA, anyway…
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [3:00] Dennis has decided he would look better in a mustache, but hasn't got one now because he forgot to wear it. He decided it would be better to wear one than grow one so that he could take it off at night. He wants to take it off at night because he talks in his sleep and it tickles.
JOKE: [4:00]
Dennis: "Hey, Mary! Mary, c'mere a minute, will you?"
Mary: "What is it, Dennis?"
Dennis: "I really played a joke on Mr. Benny yesterday."
Mary: "Well, what did you do?"
Dennis: "I heard that you were going out on a Breakfast Ride, and I figured that Mr. Benny would go with you, so I put some glue on one of the saddles!"
(pause)
Dennis: "Mary? Mary, don't you think that's funny?"
Mary: "If I could get my feet out of this stirrup, I'd kick you right in the head!"
HARRISISM (BRAGADOCCIO) [4:15] (Phil makes an E-N-T-R-A-N-C-E)
Phil: "All right, folks, up until now, this program's been floppin', but now Harris is here, and things'll start poppin'!"
RUNNING JOKE:
Phil: "Hey, we got a guest star, The Lone Ranger!"
Jack: "That's Mary, I'll explain it to you later."
JOKE: [9:30]
Dennis: "Mr. Benny, do you mind if I say something now that we're in Palm Springs?"
Jack: "What is it, Dennis?"
Dennis: "Suntan oil, cactus plants and tumbleweed."
Jack: "Suntan oil, cactus plants and tumbleweeds? What's that?"
Dennis: "Well, if we can't be funny, let's be topical."
Jack: "Dennis, what makes you act so silly?"
Dennis: "Phil gave me a date, and boy was the juice strong!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: This was a less successful variation on the bit from 11/19/50, in which Jack insists that his sponsor pays him to be funny, not technical, while Dennis' sponsor pays him to do the exact opposite.
RUNNING JOKE: [12:15]
Jack: "Mary, why don't you get a chair and sit down?"
Mary: "Who needs a chair?"
WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON: [14:00] This week's version of Jack's song is in Spanish.
SI/CY: [15:50] Jack's complaints about the Trio singing in Spanish leads to another round of the Si/Cy sketch with Mel.
JOKE [19:50] (A call comes to Police Headquarters)
Captain O'Benny: "Do you know who murdered your husband?"
Mary: "No."
Captain O'Benny: "Well, do you have any ideas?"
Mary: "Now that he's dead, yes."
JOKE: [21:30] (O'Benny wants to interview suspects)
Jack: "Tell me the names of all the guests."
Charlie Farrell: "I don't know all their names. Look in the register.
Jack: "Okay, I will."
KA-CHING!
Charlie Farrell: "Not THAT one!"
Jack (Voiceover): "I thought it was peculiar that Lincoln and Washington should both be staying here."
JOKE:
Jack: "There's been a murder here. Now, where's the body?"
Mary, sultry: "Here I am, Chiefie."
Jack: "I mean the dead one! And take off that saddle!"
BOTTOM LINE: If you ever wondered what a really bad Benny episode would be like, look no further. Virtually nothing about this episode works. The Sheik of Araby bit. Not Funny. Mary still glued to the saddle a day later. Not Funny. Phil's Palm Springs Martini. Not Funny. Rochester calling from a washroom in another time zone. Not Funny. Half the episode seems to be recycled bits (Si/Cy Part 38. Charlie Farrell, Star of Seventh Heaven. A Wait a Minute joke, another version of Jack's song). Milt Josefsberg named the 11/30/1947 episode, in which Jack dreams he's on trial for murder with a jury of turkeys after killing a Thanksgiving turkey, as one of the worst episodes they ever did. But this one deserves serious consideration for that dishonor. Almost nothing works, and it's hard to find even one really good line from this episode. Dennis' mustache routine works a little bit. "Do you have any ideas?" "Now that he's dead, yes" isn't bad. And the "Look in the register" joke is cute. Apart from that, this is pretty slim pickin's. If they couldn't be bothered to do more than just throw something together because they wanted a nice New Year's vacation, maybe it would have been better to broadcast a repeat of one of their classic episodes instead. The only really notable thing here is another version of Jack's song (for anyone perverse enough to try to collect every version they did this season).
14. 12/16/51 JACK RENEWS HIS DRIVERS LICENSE (22:45)
NOTE: From Palm Springs, California.
NOTE: The program was transcribed (recorded in advance) on December 9, 1951
15. 12/23/51 CHRISTMAS TREE DECORATION (25:00)
16. 12/30/51 NEW YEAR'S EVE DATE WITH A FRENCH GIRL (29:08)
SITCOM: Jack is having a New Year's Eve Party in the middle of the day on the day before New Year's Eve. Amazingly, he is expecting guests. Jack asks if Rochester's Eggnog is ready, which it is. Mary arrives, asking the question all of us are asking: why a New Year's Eve Party is being held in the afternoon. Jack explains that it's because he has a date tonight with Helene Francois, who appeared on his TV show recently (12/16/1951). This doesn't really explain why the Party isn't being held on New Year's Eve, but we all know it's because his program isn't on New Year's Eve this year, and the audience might be confused if we told them that it was tomorrow (the show frequently does flashbacks, but rarely does trips into the future). Jack offers Mary some of Rochester's eggnog, which she declines. With earnest.
Dennis phones in his routine. Jack tells him to get over there, and he arrives immediately (he'd called from the extension in the next room). Jack offers Dennis some eggnog, and he too declines with earnest. Don arrives, and he's not only wearing the cuff links Jack gave him for Christmas, he's left the card attached so that everyone can see what a cheap gift Jack gave him (anybody who heard the program knew that). Jack responds with his trademark "Well!!", and complains that Don's gift wasn't so hot either. Don gave him a gold watch that's practically an invitation to muggers. Don caves in, as usual. Jack offers Don some eggnog, and he too declines with earnest. Phil arrives, in a good mood. Jack offers Phil some eggnog. He accepts with earnest, but even Phil has some problems with the stuff.
Dennis sings "While We're Young".
Jack has to leave for his date with Helene Francois, making this the world's shortest party. Dennis agrees to accompany Jack, with Mary as his date. Later, Jack, Dennis and Mary arrive at Charlie Foy's for dinner. Helene speaks very little English. The head waiter turns out to be Frank Nelson, naturally. He leads them to a table. They run into and keep running into the obligatory funny drunk (Mel) looking for his wife. Jesse Block (not played by himself this time) is MCing the night's festivities. He warms up the crowd with a joke that turns out to be about Jack.
Dennis and Mary dance a number. Dennis proposes to Mary, but she begs time to think it over. Jack and Helene dance. Helen meets another French-speaking man who turns out to be former Light Heavyweight Champion Maxie Rosenbloom. They run across the funny drunk, still looking for his wife. A quartet gets up to sing, and naturally it's the Sportsmen, singing a Lucky Strike themed version of an unidentified tune.
Back at the table, Jack and Helene order, Helene in French. The funny drunk comes by again, and, since it's Mel, he's funny despite having few good lines. Jesse announces that a famous celebrity is in attendance. Jack is embarrassed until it turns out that Jesse isn't talking about Jack, he's talking about Rodney Dangerfield. Dangerfield, a rootin' tootin' Western type comes onstage with his horse, and inadvertently sprays Jack a few times. A patron asks Rodney to autograph her menu, which he does by firing a shot through it.
Jack starts to walk out in disgust, when Jesse announces that there's another celebrity in attendance, and calls on Jack. Jack comes onstage to say a few self-important words. It doesn't look like he's going to stop any time soon…
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Elliot Lewis, Helene Francois, Herb Vigran
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, Frank Martin, Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow will be New Year's Eve. But Jack has invited the gang over today for his annual pre-New Year's celebration. So, let's go out to Jack's home in Beverly Hills, where we find Rochester preparing for their arrival."
WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON: As the program opens, Rochester is singing his own version of Jack's song. Rochester, it should be noted, has two modes of singing. When he's trying to sing well, he's not too bad. When he's trying to sing bad, he's scratchy and screechy, and sings notes hitherto unknown to musical science. This time he's trying to sing bad. And succeeding. Just to give you an idea, even Jack doesn't want to hear his own song this time.
ROCHESTER SINGS: Some day I've got to collect all of these and put together a Rochester album. The problem is that he rarely sings a song in its entirety.
ROCHESTER'S EGGNOG [2:30] (A running gag throughout the episode)
Jack: "How's everything coming along?"
Rochester: "Fine Boss, fine."
Jack: "What about the eggnog you were going to prepare? Did you make it?"
Rochester: "Uh huh."
Jack: "How do you fix that eggnog, Rochester?"
Rochester: "Just eggs and bourbon."
Jack: "Of course I'm not much of a connoisseur of drinks, but that seems rather strange to me. I wonder how anyone would ever think of mixing eggs and bourbon."
Rochester: "It's psychological, Boss."
Jack: "Psychological?"
Rochester: "Yeah, you see, the egg makes you think you're getting something very healthful."
Jack: "Uh huh."
Rochester: "And the Bourbon makes that fact unimportant."
Jack: "Well, that's logical. By the way, Rochester, how much eggnog did you make?"
Rochester: "Well, I cut it pretty close. You're having five guests and I figure if there's a little left over I can always take it to a party I'm going to tomorrow night."
Jack: "Good, good. How much did you make?"
Rochester: "Fifty gallons."
THE OLD DAYS: [4:50] (We haven't heard about her in a while, but guess who's back?)
Mary: "I'll say one thing, Jack. [Helene Francois's] a whole lot nicer than that girl you used to go out with. That Gladys Zybysko."
Jack: "Now, wait a minute, Mary. Gladys Zybysko is a swell girl. She may not be the most beautiful girl in the world, but she's got a nice figure."
Mary: "I know, but does she have to walk that way?"
Jack: "Mary, that's not her fault. She's nearsighted, and she anticipates the curb in the middle of the block."
EGGNOG, PART 2: [5:15]
Jack: "Now, come on, Mary, how about a glass of eggnog?"
Mary: "Oh sure, Jack, I… uh, wait a minute. Who made that eggnog?"
Jack: "Rochester."
Mary: "Uh uh."
Jack: "Why, what's the matter?"
Mary: "Well, last New Year's Eve, I tasted some of Rochester's eggnog, and the next thing I knew, I was at the Rose Bowl."
Jack: "Oh, you saw the game?"
Mary: "Saw it nothing, I was playing left tackle for Michigan."
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [5:45] Dennis will be late because it takes him a half hour to shave. This time is spent waiting for something TO shave. According to Dennis, it takes him three months to get a five o'clock shadow.
NITPICK: Dennis claims to have telephoned from the extension in the next room. Unless Jack has two phone lines, how is this possible? (As everyone knows, if you dial your own number, you get a busy signal). And if he does have two lines, wouldn't Dennis have said that he called from "the other line", rather than from "the extension"?
EGGNOG, PART 3: [6:30]
Jack: "Well Dennis, how about having a glass of eggnog?"
Dennis: "Oh boy, eggnog! That's for… wait a minute. Who made it?"
Jack: "Rochester."
Dennis: "Uh uh."
Jack: "Why not?"
Dennis: "Last year I tasted some of Rochester's eggnog and the next thing I knew, Mary was playing in the Rose Bowl."
EGGNOG, PART 4: [8:45]
Jack: "By the way, would you like a glass of eggnog?"
Don: "Eggnog? Say, that's one of my favorite… wait a minute. Who made it."
Jack: "Rochester."
Don: "Uh uh."
Jack: "What's the matter with Rochester's eggnog?"
Don: "Last year I tasted some and the next thing I knew, Mary and Dennis tackled me in the Rose Bowl."
HARRISISM (SELF CONGRATULATION): [9:20]
Jack: "I'm going to a nightclub tonight. I've got a date."
Phil: "With a girl??"
Jack: "Well, what do you think? A horse?"
Phil: "Could be. Oats are cheaper than orchids. Oh, ha, ha! Oh Harris, you may not be Montgomery Clift, but you found your place in the sun!"
Jack: "Phil, you can stop with those jokes and find your place under the table."
EGGNOG, PART 5: [9:45] (The Thrilling Conclusion)
Jack: "Now, would you like a glass of eggnog?"
Phil: "Eggnog? Now you're talkin', bub, that's my… Hey, wait a minute. Who made that eggnog?"
Jack: "Rochester."
Phil: "LEAD me to it!!"
Jack: "Rochester, will you pour a glass of eggnog for Mr. Harris, please."
Rochester: "Yes sir."
(LONG pouring sound)
Rochester: "Here you are, Mr. Harris."
Phil: "Thank you, Roch. Uh… hey, tell me, Roch. How do you make this eggnog?"
Rochester: "I use one egg to five quarts of bourbon."
Phil: "Check. Well, here's down the hatch."
(Phil starts choking and gasping)
Rochester: "Mr. Harris! Mr. Harris! Mr. Harris!! Mr. Harris!! What happened??"
Phil: "Are you sure that egg was fresh?"
Jack: "It's fresh, it's fresh!"
Phil: "Well, here goes. Ahhhh!!"
Jack: "Well Phil, how do you like it? Phil, how do you like it??"
Phil: "Hey Jackson, what are you doing here at the Rose Bowl?"
Jack: "What?"
Phil: "Come on, Wheelbarrow… I mean Stanford!"
Jack: "I'm not at the Rose Bowl yet! Rochester, pour me a ticket!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: That line, "Are you sure that egg was fresh" was one of the show's all-time greatest payoff lines. You know, for all the talk, this is one of the few times Phil ever actually drank something alcoholic during an episode. Usually he just talks about drinking.
FLUB: [14:00] (Dennis is taking Mary to Charlie Foy's as his date)
Dennis: "Say Mary, will you give me a kiss when I take you home?"
Mary: "Oh, I don't know, Dennis. I'll think about it.
Dennis: "Well, think fast, sister, I ain't blayin'.. blowin' my dough for nothing."
Jack: "You were blowing that line, though!!"
JOKE: [14:15]
Phil: "Jackson, what are you going out tonight for? Why not go out tomorrow night? That's New Year's Eve."
Jack: "No, no, I never go out on New Year's Eve."
Rochester: "Say Boss, why don't you so something different this year and go out."
Jack: "No, I'm going to do what I always do and stay home."
Don: "New Year's Eve at home?"
Rochester: "Yeah, at five minutes to 12, I tiptoe up to Mr. Benny's room, wake him up, he blows a horn, falls back on the pillow, and that's it."
Jack: "Yeah."
Mary: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Don: "what are you laughing at, Mary?"
Mary: "39, he says!"
JOKE: [15:00] (At the Night Club)
Mary: "Jack, you'll never get a table. It's too crowded."
Dennis: "Yeah, look at those people in that little room. Boy, are they jammed together."
Jack: "That's the coat room. Those are coats."
Dennis: "Oh. I wondered why they didn't have their pants on."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: This sounds like another of those semi-blue jokes that the writers had to wrestle with the censors to get into the script. This one is okay but not really worth the effort.
SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS: [15:30] If Dave Seville got the idea for the Alvin shtick from Jack's "Wait a minute!!!" bit with the Sportsmen, Frank Nelson's comebacks to Jack's questions may be where Al Jaffee got the idea for "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions". Exchanges like the following look like they came right out of a Jaffee book:
Jack: "Oh, garcon! Garcon!"
Frakn: "HOW DO YOU DO??"
Jack: "Are you the head waiter?"
Frank: "No, I'm wearing this flower in my lapel, because I'm going to be a float in the Rose Parade!"
JESSE DOES STANDUP: [16:40]
Jesse: "Happy New Year, ladies and gentlemen! This is Jesse Block, your Master of Ceremonies for the evening."
(applause)
Jesse: "Now, in just a minute we're going to have some dancing. But while the orchestra is setting up, I've got a little joke for you."
Jack: "Listen to this, Helene, he's going to tell a joke."
Jesse: "A funny thing happened here in the club last night. You know, this is a pretty ritzy place. And last night I saw a waiter carrying something on a flaming sword. So I asked him what it was, and he said 'a customer, he only left a dime tip'!"
Jack: "Say, that was a pretty good joke, wasn't it, Mary?"
Mary: "What joke? I was here when the Fire Department came in and squirted water on you."
NOTE: The real Jesse Block appeared on the Benny show once each in 1936 and 1937. In this episode, the part of Jesse Block is played by Herb Vigran.
NOTE: Mel plays the funny drunk, who keeps wishing everyone HAP--PY NEW YEAR! At one point he drags it out with a long enough pause between the Hap and the Py that Jack and Mary get half a line in. This is a variation on the Anaheim, Azusa and Cuc… amonga joke.
NOTE: The cowboy Rodney Dangerfield in this episode is not Jacob Rodney Cohen, aka Jack Roy, the standup comedian who went by the name of Rodney Dangerfield, made movies like "Back to School", and bemoaned his lack of respect. This Rodney Dangerfield (now, follow me on this) is a fictional character that the "real" Rodney Dangerfield stole the name from. According to Wikipedia: "[Cohen] took the name Rodney Dangerfield, which had been used as the comical name of a faux cowboy star by Jack Benny on his radio program at least as early as the December 21, 1941, broadcast and later as a pseudonym by Ricky Nelson on the TV program The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. The Benny character, who also received little or no respect from the outside world, served as a great inspiration to Dangerfield while he was developing his own comedy character. The "Biography" program also tells of the time Benny visited Dangerfield backstage after one of his performances. During this visit Benny complimented him on developing such a wonderful comedy character and style. However, Jack Roy remained Dangerfield's legal name, as he mentioned in several interviews."
NOTE: The program was transcribed (recorded in advance) on December 19, 1951
BOTTOM LINE: Often, two of Jack's writers would write the first half of the program and the other two would do the second half. I don't know who did what here. But the first half of the program is great. The party banter is good, and the Running Eggnog joke is great. The second half of the program meanders quite a bit in search of something or other that it never finds. Mel and Frank are good, as always, if a bit unoriginal. But the action doesn't really go anywhere. Helene Francois is just there, with nothing to do but speak French gibberish (she might be saying something funny, but who knows?) Everything else feels like it's a buildup to something that doesn't happen. Dangerfield comes on stage, but nothing happens apart from Jack getting slobbered by the horse a few times. They set up this business with Dennis proposing to Mary, but nothing comes of that either. It's not bad, just kind of lost.
17. 01/06/52 SUSPENSE (28:49)
THE SHOW: Jack and Don discuss Illinois' trouncing of Stanford in the Rose Bowl game. But it's Stanford's coach who gets the callout on the show, so who really won here? Jack tells how he got in to see the game without tickets (to make a long story short, he snuck into the stadium in drag, and now has a date with the Stanford Center). Phil arrives, but was too hung over on New Year's Day to have enjoyed the game. Jack complains that Bagby, Remley and Fletcher are missing. Learning that they're in jail, Jack offers the money to bail them out. Phil calls the Sheriff, but finds that he still has credit in his own bail fund. Mary arrives, and announces that Dennis has a crush on her after dancing with her last week. Dennis arrives, and say hello to everyone except Mary (to avoid making it obvious). Jack asks Mary to see "Death of a Salesman" with him, but she already saw it with Dennis. Dennis offers to go with Jack, thinking that maybe this time he'll get to see the picture (nudge, nudge).
Dennis sings "Charmaine".
As Jack introduces this week's play, "Suspense", the phone rings with the obligatory call from Rochester. Rochester says he spoke with Cliff Gordon, a hometown friend who was born the same day as Jack, and that Jack's Maxwell has been returned from the Rose Parade. Jack introduces the Play again, and it begins:
THE PLAY: "Suspense", a parody of the radio series of the same name. Jack is Aristotle Fink, a bank teller. Around the breakfast table, Jack has a talk with his son, Philip. Philip wants to be an orchestra leader today (he doesn't want to study music, just lead an orchestra). When the kids go to school, Jack sings a song (!), "I Wish I Was a Swinging Vine", with the Sportsmen backing him up for a change. Actually, this whole scene is padding and has little or nothing to do with the rest of the play.
Jack goes to the bank. A man comes to his window asking to change a $10,000 bill. Jack realizes that his children have never seen a $10,000 bill, and so decides to take it home to show the family. Jack calls all his kids (and he seems to have a dozen or so, including ones named after Mary's brother Hilliard, and script girl Jeanette Eymann). Jack passes the bill around to the kids, but somewhere in the passing, it goes missing, and he is unable to find it. Next day, Jack is called into the Bank President's office. When he confesses to taking the bill, a Police Inspector (Dennis) enters to arrest him. When Dennis tries to arrest Jack, Jack stabs both him and the Bank President.
At the end, Jack is in his cell, awaiting execution, and tells a really awful pun (figuring, no doubt, that they can only execute him once.)
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS:
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Frank Martin, Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, in the Rose Bowl game on New Year's Day, Illinois scalped the Stanford Indians. And now we bring you a man who could use one of those scalps, Jack Benny!"
TOBACCO NEWS: [0:30] (The Lucky Strike announcer has difficulty distinguishing between Fact and Opinion)
Announcer: Let me repeat that: "PROVED the best made of all the five principal brands. That's not an empty claim. That’s a FACT! Verified by leading laboratory consultants. For example, Foster D. Snell, of New York City, who reports:
Foster D. Snell Imitator: "In our opinion, the properties measured are all important factors affecting the taste of cigarette smoke. We conclude that Lucky Strike is the best made of the five major brands."
JOKE: [2:30] (Jack objects to Don's Intro)
Jack: "Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, you can stop vibrating, because that was the worst toupee joke I ever heard. Not only that, it was in very bad taste."
Don: "Bad taste?"
Jack: "Yes, I don't mind for myself, but it so happens that the Stanford Coach, Chuck Taylor really wears a toupee."
Don: "Now, wait a minute, Jack. I talked to Chuck Taylor right before the game. He's 31 years old, and he definitely has his own hair."
Jack: "That was BEFORE the game. But when Illinois scored their fuch… their first touchdown, his hair started to go. By the end of the third period, it was piling up on the ground, and all through that fourth quarter, it just laid there and turned grey."
NOTE: The rambling discussion about how Jack got into the game is reminiscent of the Corporal Peterson joke from the season opener, in which he almost met several Generals, but was distracted by the prospect of almost meeting a different one, and only actually met Corporal Peterson. In this version, Jack almost gets into the game several different ways, but finally got in through the courtesy of Nancy Thorne, the Queen of the Rose Parade, by sneaking through in drag as one of her princesses.
ROSE BOWL: Here's more on the Rose Bowl game Jack saw, in which host Illinois beat Stanford 40-7: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1952_Rose_Bowl
JOKE: [4:00] (Jack and Don discuss the Rose Bowl)
Jack: "Don, who were you rooting for at the game?"
Don: "Well Jack, I didn't want to show any partiality, so I got a seat on the Stanford side and a seat on the Illinois side."
Jack: "Don, how could you possibly sit on both sides of the… Oh! Oh, of course. And Don, weren't you disappointed when you weren't picked as the winning float?"
JOKE: [5:00] (Some of the band are absent)
Jack: "The least you could have done is to see that all your boys showed up.
Phil: "What are you talking about? The band's here."
Jack: "Where's Remley, Sammy and Bagby? Your Hoodlum Section is missing!"
Hoodlum section? Now, hold it, Jackson. I don't think it's very nice the way you go on week after week insulting those three boys. They may not be college graduates, but they come from good families, they're sensitive, refined, and perfect gentlemen. And it's your fault that they're not here today."
Jack: "My Fault?"
Phil: "Yeah, if you paid me more money, I could have bailed them out!"
IMPROV: [8:30] (Dennis has a crush on Mary)
Mary: "Shh! Here he comes now."
Dennis: "Hello, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Oh, hello Dennis."
Don: "Hello, Dennis."
Dennis: "Hello, Don."
Phil: "Hi, kid."
Dennis: "Hello, Phil."
Mary: "Hello, Dennis."
(silence)
Mary: "Dennis, I said hello."
Dennis: "Mary, don't make it so obvious!"
DENNIS' ROUTINE: The previous probably qualifies as Dennis' Routine for the week.
IMPROV: [9:00] (Dennis has a crush on Mary)
Dennis: "Gee! Gosh!"
Mary: "What is it, Dennis?"
Dennis: "To think that you'll soon be my wife, and Babe will be my brother-in-law!"
Jack: "That's NOWHERE on this page!! It's better than what we had written there, I know that." {The script reveals Dennis' written line was "To think those soft white hands will soon be washing my socks.."---Bill Cairns}
JOKE: [12:15]
Dennis: "Oh, Mr. Benny, I want to congratulate you."
Jack: "Congratulate me?"
Dennis: "Yes, Radio and Television Daily, took a poll, and you were voted as Radio's Man of the Year."
Jack: "Well! Thank you, Dennis."
Dennis: "Don't thank me, I voted for somebody else."
JOKE: [13:00] (Rochester calls)
Rochester: "I thought you might like to know, a friend of yours from Waukegan just phoned from the Union Station."
Jack: "A friend of mine?"
Rochester: "His name is Cliff Gordon."
Jack: "Cliff Gordon? Why Rochester, he's one of my best friends. We grew up together."
Rochester: "He said you and he were born in the same hospital on the very same day."
Jack: "That's right, Rochester. How did he sound?"
Rochester: "Well…"
Jack: "Well, what?"
Rochester: "Either you're over 39 or we had a very bad connection."
SUSPENSE: "Suspense" was a CBS radio anthology that ran from 1942 to 1962. The stories usually involved an ordinary person dropped into a threatening or bizarre situation. Musical stingers were played when the word "Suspense" was uttered, which Jack makes good use of in his version. Bob & Ray also parodied the show with a recurring featurette, called "Anxiety". The difference was that in Bob & Ray's versions, the threatening or bizarre situations were always imaginary or not so bad as they seemed. People trapped in a cave-in might discover that that they'd gotten turned around and that it was the way deeper into the cave that was sealed, not the way out. Or two people trapped in an elevator with the cable about to break would have forgotten that it was only a one story building (It was the head office of an elevator company, which made installing a lift to the basement cheaper than a stairway, you see.) Bob & Ray's "Anxiety" stories were always pulled from "The Amazing File" of Commander Neville Putney, but in the original show and in Jack's version, the main character narrates the action.
NOTE: Speaking of A. Fink (Jack's character in this play), there was a chess player at that time of the same name, who won the California State Championship four times, and played in the US Championship in 1946. Only the chess playing Fink's first name was 'Adolf'. Can you imagine the ribbing he had to take, playing during World War II?
JOKE: [17:30] (In the play, Jack has a family moment)
Mary: "Here's your school books and your lunch, Philip."
Phil: "Thank you, mother. Did you prepare something nice for lunch?"
Yes. Two chicken sandwiches, an apple, a banana, and your thermos bottle is filled with milk."
Phil: "Milk!!??"
Jack: "Yes, milk! This is a sketch!!"
JACK SINGS: Jack sings very rarely, but this time he does an entire number on his own, "I Wish I Was a Swinging Vine", with the Sportsmen singing backup. It's not bad, but completely out of place in the play.
JOKE: [20:00] (At last the play gets moving)
Jack, voiceover: "I arrived at the bank, and this day was like all the other ones, with one exception. A man came to my window. A man who was destined to change my life story from a peaceful one to a tale well calculated to keep you in…"
(musical stinger)
Jack: "I didn't say it yet!!"
Jack, voiceover: "To keep you in… Suspense!"
(musical stinger)
Jack: "Watch it, fella!"
Jack, voiceover: "This man came up to my window and thrust a bill at me. It was a genuine $10,000 bill. I looked at it for a moment. Then looked back at the $10,000 bill, when he said:"
Mel: "I'd like to change this."
Jack: "But… but this is a $10,000 bill."
Mel: "I know, it's the smallest I got."
Jack: "Okay, I'll change it. Would you like it changed into thousand dollar bills, hundreds, fifties, twenties, tens or fives?"
Mel: "I want it in pennies."
Jack: "You want $10,000 in pennies?? Why?"
Mel: "I got 500 piggy banks for Christmas."
JOKE: (In the play, Jack has a family moment)
Mary: "Oh, for heaven's sake, Philip. Must you always go around with your pants dragging?"
Phil: "I can't help it, mother. I don't have a belt or anything to keep them up with."
Jack: "Why, Philip. To hear you talk, a person would think I don't make enough money to keep you in suspenders."
(Musical Stinger)
Jack: "I said SUSPENDERS!!"
(pause)
Jack: "Stupid Hoodlum… SECTION!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: That last line was a tie-in to the running joke of Phil's boys being in the clink.
JOKE: [25:00] (Jack is called in to see the Bank President)
Don: "Did you know that $10,000 was missing from your account?"
Jack: "Yes."
Don: "Did you take it?"
Jack: "Yes, sir."
Don: "Do you think that was nice?"
Jack: "No, sir."
Don: "Well, watch it next time."
JOKE: [25:45] (Jack and the Inspector make like Abbott & Costello)
Dennis: "Are you a fink?"
Jack: "Yes."
Dennis: "What's your name?"
Jack: "You just said it. A. Fink."
Dennis: "Well, whaddya think, Fink? You're going to the clink!"
JOKE: [26:00] (In the play, Jack resists arrest)
Jack: "Come one step nearer and I'll stab you!"
Don: "Look out, he's got a knife!"
Dennis: "Don't be a fool. Put down that knife!"
Jack: "Oh yeah? Take that!"
(gunshot, sound of groan and falling body)
Don: "Get away from me! Don't come near me with that knife! I haven't done anything!"
Jack: "Oh, yes you have! And I'm gonna stab you too! Take that!"
(gunshot, sound of groan and falling body)
Jack, Voiceover: "I didn't shoot them, folks. I stabbed them. But the sound man is still sore at me on account of the lousy Christmas present I gave him."
JOKE: [26:30] (Jack is on Death Row)
Jack, Voiceover: "In the cell next to me is a travelling man named Frederick, who was convicted of killing his wife by hitting her over the head with his sample case. In a few hours, Frederick walks his last mile to the electric chair. Though it's small consolation, before I go, I'll finally get to see Frederic March in "Death of a Salesman"! A picture well calculated to keep you in… Suspense!"
BOTTOM LINE: Slightly above average episode. The play is overly padded, but not bad, and a pretty decent parody of the Suspense show. It's better and more lucid than most of Jack's plays.
18. 01/13/52 JACK GETS A HAIRCUT (25:00)
SITCOM: Jack is at home, just finishing up breakfast (made by Rochester, laid by Polly). Jack calls Dinah Shore to ask her to record his song. Rochester is in the kitchen with Jack, but oddly enough NOBODY is in the kitchen with Dinah! (Rimshot, but only if you remember the song "I've Been Working on the Railroad"). Dinah doesn't seem too enthusiastic about the honor Jack wants to give her. Jack talks to her husband, George Montgomery, and this goes badly. Not only does Jack not get Dinah's singing services, he loses George as a laundry customer.
Mary arrives with a love letter Dennis sent her, and so reads a letter from someone besides Momma for a change. Rochester suggests asking Mario Lanza to sing the song. Jack calls Mario but gets into an argument with him too. Jack resolves not to go to the party Lanza is throwing that he wasn't invited to anyway. Dennis arrives mad, and does his routine. Jack asks Dennis to sing his song on the show next week, but Dennis is out the door too quickly.
Jack and Mary leave together. Mary needs to go shirt shopping and Jack needs a haircut. On the way, they meet Mr. Kitzel. Kitzel has just had drops put in his eyes and doesn't recognize either of them. He mistakes Mary for Dennis, so apparently he had drops put in his ears too. Kitzel sees all the colors the wrong way, and so mistakes bananas, hot dogs and cucumbers for each other (less funny than it sounds).
At the store, Mary tries to buy a shirt for Poppa. Jack encounters the Racetrack Tout, but as he is not in the process of making a decision, they have nothing to talk about, and so pass in the night (metaphorically speaking, as it's actually daytime). Jack goes for his haircut. Passing a clothing counter, he decides to get a new belt. The Tout reappears and tries to talk Jack into buying suspenders.
Jack meets Mr. Drucker the Head Barber (no, it's Frank Nelson, not Frank Cady). Mr. Drucker talks to the other barbers to see who will wait on Jack, but none of them want to. Mel eventually agrees to take Jack.
Mr. Drucker has just hired a Barbershop Quartet that sounds suspiciously like the Sportsmen Quartet. They sing "Down by the Old Mill Stream", which (probably) had references to cigarettes in it before it was edited for re-broadcast. Mel gives Jack his haircut. Jack now wants a manicure. Mr. Drucker goes to the manicurists, but none of them want to wait on Jack either. Bea Benaderet is eventually drafted to wait on Jack. After the manicure, Jack wants a shoe shine. Mr. Drucker goes to the shoe shine boys, but none of them want to wait on Jack either. Mary returns, so Jack eschews the shine (Ya get it?? ESCHEWS the SHINE? Oh Harris, you may not have told that joke, but you should have, you dog!!!) and leaves, after tipping Mel. Mel reveals to the others his secret for getting a decent tip out of Jack.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Roy Glenn
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Artie Auerbach, Bea Benaderet, Joe Kearns, Sheldon Leonard, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin
MINOR ROLES: Bill Days, Jeanette Eymann, Jester Hairston, Frank Martin, Del Sharbutt, Marty Sperzel, Blanche Stewart
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. It's morning, and Jack has just finished his breakfast."
JOKE: [2:50] (Jack phones Dinah Shore to get her to sing his song.)
Jack: “Did you receive the copy of my song? Good. Lookit, don’t you think it’s the most wonderful tune you ever… oh. Well, don’t you think the lyrics are novel, and… uh uh. But Dinah, you can’t judge a song the first time you sing it. You’ve got to analyze it, take it apart… I don’t MEAN that! Paste it together again!”
JOKE: [3:30] (Jack gets into an argument with Dinah and George Montgomery over the song.)
Jack: “All right, if I woke you up, I’m sorry. You don’t have to… you’ll what? Well, if that’s your attitude, it’s okay with me! Goodbye!”
[HANGUP!]
Jack: “Well, we can cross him off the list.”
Rochester: “You mean her.”
Jack: “No, him. He’s going to stop sending us his laundry.”
JOKE: [5:00] (From Dennis’ Love letter to Mary)
Mary, reading: “I keep your picture on the wall of my bedroom. I didn’t want my mother to know who I’m in love with, so I took a pencil and drew a mustache and a derby hat on you. I think I fooled my mother because now she’s in love with you too.”
CONTINUITY ALERT: This routine, complete with the joke about Dennis' mother falling in love with Mary, is lifted almost verbatim from the 01/05/1947 episode.
BUT-BUT JOKE: [6:00] (Jack calls Mario Lanza)
Jack: “Hello? Hello, Mario? this is Jack Benny. I want to know how soon you’d like to make a record of my… what? But Mario? But Mario, look. But why should you… but Mario… but… but… but… but… … … … … but… but… WELL!!!! Well, if that’s your attitude, Mr. Lanza, I’m not coming to that big party Friday night!... Oh, I HEARD about it!! Goodbye!”
ROCHESTER SINGS: [7:20] Rochester sings a few bars of "Be My Love", in an attempt to imitate Mario Lanza.
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [7:30] Dennis is mad that Jack is trying to muscle in on his love affair with Mary. To keep an eye on him, Dennis has been spying on Jack through his window in the morning, and offers unflattering comments about his attempts to get into his girdle, et cetera.
RACETRACK TOUT: [13:50]
Jack: "These belts really look nice."
Tout: "Hey, bud. Bud."
Jack: "Huh? Oh, for heaven's sakes."
Tout: "C'mere a minute."
Jack: "Look fella, I'm busy. Leave me alone."
Tout: "Okay. Just wanted to know what you were doin'?"
Jack: "Well, if you must know, I'm buying something to hold my pants up."
Tout: "Like what?"
Jack: "A belt."
Tout: "Uh uh."
Jack: "What?"
Tout: "Get suspenders."
Jack: "But I want a belt. "
Tout: "Belt hasn't got a chance."
Jack: "It hasn't?"
Tout: "It looks good while it's goin' around, but in the end, Belt buckles."
Jack: "Gosh, I never thought of that!"
Tout: "Take my advice and put your money on suspenders."
Jack: "Suspenders? Are you sure?"
Tout: "Well, look at the performance. Suspenders always come up from behind and finish in front."
"Jack: "I don't know what to do."
Tout: Take my word for it. Suspenders will never let you down."
Jack: "I don't care what you say, I'm going to get a belt."
Tout: "Okay, they're your pants. So long."
Jack: "Goodbye, goodbye!"
[The Tout leaves]
Jack: "Oh clerk, clerk?"
Clerk: "Yes?"
Jack: "I'd like to get this belt."
Clerk: "Yes sir. Would you like to look at suspenders?"
Jack: "Suspenders?"
Clerk: "Yes, they're awfully good in the stretch."
Jack: "Now, cut that out!"
JOKE: [16:45] (Frank tries to get one of the barbers to wait on Jack)
Frank: "Say, Harry. Mr. Benny wants a haircut, will you take him?"
Mel: "Not me, let Maury do it."
Maury: "Not me."
Frank: "How about you, Charlie?"
Charlie: "No thanks."
Frank: "Now, wait a minute, boys, we've got to be fair about this. Who waited on him last time?
Charlie: "I did, and when I finished he offered me a tip. But my hands were full so he said he'd slip it in my pocket."
Mel: "Well, at least you got something."
Charlie: "What do you mean something? When I added up my money, I was a dime short."
Mel: "If Benny wanted a shave, I'd do it."
Charlie: "You would?"
Mel: "Sure, then when the police came, I could say it was an accident."
NOTE: The Barbershop Quartet (kayfabe) consists of Billy guest, Artie Stebbins, Mervin LeRoy, and Junior Lemley.
JOKE: [21:00] (Frank tries to get one of the manicurists to wait on Jack)
Frank: "Oh, Miss Daniels?"
Bea (Miss Daniels): Yes?"
Frank: "Mr. Benny would like a manicure, will you take him?"
Bea: "Not me, let Betty do it."
Betty: "Not me."
Frank: "How about you, Goldie?"
Goldie: "No thanks."
Frank: "Now, wait a minute, girls. We've got to be fair about this. Who took care of him last time."
Goldie: "I did. For a 75 cent manicure, I had to sit there and polish 20 nails."
Frank: "20?"
Goldie: "When I got through with his hands, he took his shoes off."
Bea: "I know what you mean, he did that to me once."
Goldie: "Really?"
Bea: "I didn't mind cutting his nails, but I had to play this little piggie at the same time. Then he gave me a tip and cried all the way home."
RACIAL HUMOR: [22:00]
Jack: "Oh, Mr. Drucker?"
Frank: "Yes?"
Jack: "I think I want my shoes shined too."
Frank: "Certainly, I'll get a boy."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Racial humor as such, was strongly curtailed after World War II, as Jack considered that Hitler's racial theories made the whole subject less funny. Anyone who has read my 1930's notes knows that even before the war, there was never anything terribly bad. There were a few dopey jokes about Rochester eating chicken, or watermelon, but nothing with any animosity behind it. There were a few jokes that I wouldn't even have recognized today as BEING racially loaded if someone hadn't told me. Such as Rochester carrying a razor in his shoe (I attributed it to his inner city upbringing, rather than race), shooting craps (apparently, this was a stereotype once), and love of gin (Ditto; I had thought that Rochester's gin was a good counter to Phil's bourbon, and that the whole cast needed a favorite drink. Dennis' would have been either milk or a Shirley Temple.) Jack had once (3/21/37) had a Gin Fizz, so who would have guessed that Jack's gin wasn't racial but Rochester's was? This stuff is complicated.
In any case, after the war, most overt (and even not-so-overt) racial references fell by the wayside, and the character of Rochester's friend Roy was introduced. It's difficult not to see Roy as being, at least partially, an attempt to create a kind of role model character. Roy's character has no black stereotypes, or any other kind of stereotypes, either. He's polite, articulate, principled, and impeccably well mannered. Roy is not only normal, he's so normal that he's almost out of place in The World of Benny, where most characters are defined in terms of their flaws (vanity, avarice, drunkenness, sarcastic, foolish, overweight, et cetera). The only other character like Roy is the completely colorless (pun not intended) Larry Stevens, who filled in for Dennis for the two years he was in the Navy. Roy is a much better character than Larry though, as they found one interesting character trait to hang on him, namely, his curiosity about what Jack is like in real life.
The joke at the end is that even after making a conscious effort to eliminate racial humor from the show and clean up their act (and Jack Benny trying to clean up his act is like Mother Theresa trying to clean up hers), they can still uncork a line like "I'll get a boy" (a line which was not offensive at the time, but which would have modern audiences reacting the same way that 1930's audiences did to the first showings of 'King Kong'), and end up offending people just the same. You can't win.
And throughout all of this, Mr. Kitzel, the one character who is defined primarily in terms of his ethnicity, made the cut.
JOKE: [22:30] (The bootblacks don't take a shine to Jack either)
Frank: "Oh Ray, Mr. Benny says he wants a shoe shine, will you take him?"
Ray: "Not me."
Frank: "How about you, Danny?
Danny: "No thanks."
Frank: "Now, wait a minute, boys, we gotta be fair about this. Who was the last one to shine Mr. Benny's shoes?"
Third Shiner: "I don't remember the answer, but that question was on a quiz program."
Frank: "Well, somebody's got to shine Mr. Benny's shoes. You do it, Danny."
Danny: "Not me, Mr. Drucker. I ain't got nothing against shining Mr. Benny's shoes, but it's murder getting around those pearl buttons."
CONTINUITY ALERT: Danny sounds a heckuva lot like Rochester's friend Roy.
FLUB: [23:15]
Mary: "Oh Jack, Jack."
Jack: "Here I am, Mary."
Mary: "Did you get your hair cut?"
Jack: "Yes, and I was going to get a shine, too, but I'll let it go. Oh, Mr. Drucker?"
Frank: "Yes?"
Jack: "Uh… Mr. Drucker, wait'll I turn the page here…"
JOKE: [24:00] (Jack leaves)
Frank: "Say, Harry. Did I see right?"
Mel: "What?"
Frank: "Did Mr. Benny give you a dollar tip?"
Mel: "Yep. Spin that old man around in a chair three times ad he don't know what he's doin'!"
NOTE: The copy of this episode that I have has an announcement at the end by Don saying that it's the US Armed Forces Service. Armed Forces rebroadcasts are modified from the originals. They usually have an announcement of some kind at the end, and tend to have all product plugs removed. The Sportsmen's Song is noticeably clipped, to have the Lucky Strike verse removed. Since cigarette ads were outlawed in the late 1960's, these episodes couldn't be broadcast in their original form any more.
NOTE: The World of Benny works in strange and contradictory ways. In some episodes, Jack is the normal one, surrounded by a world of loons. In episodes like this, everyone else is normal, and trying desperately to cope with Jack's eccentricities.
NOTE: The program was transcribed (recorded in advance) on January 11, 1952
BOTTOM LINE: Good execution, but these theme episodes where the theme is "Everybody Hates Jack Benny" can become a little grating after a while. Jack's just not THAT bad a guy, that the whole world should hate him.
19. 01/20/52 GEORGE BURNS SINGS JACK'S SONG (23:45)
THE SHOW: Jack and Don discuss the recent story about the heroics of Captain Kurt Carlsen of the 'Flying Enterprise'. Jack is insistent that, after the recent rainstorms, they avoid 'Rain in California' jokes.
Mary arrives. Jack chews her out for being late and for missing rehearsal. She makes up a story, which Jack doesn't buy, but Warner Brothers does. In actuality, Mary was late because her radiator froze. Don tells her she should have filled her radiator with alcohol, which brings Phil into the discussion. Phil tells how Remley cried on an auto trip, when Phil put six quarts of alcohol into his own radiator. Apparently, Remley also spent the next 10 miles with his mouth over the exhaust pipe. Dennis arrives, and also has a bank robbery story. This would almost qualify is his routine if Mary hadn't set it up first.
Dennis sings "The Whole World is Coming Along". Jack compliments Dennis and the band, which leads to a discussion of Fletcher the Trombone Player's latest brush with the law. Jack announces that he's asked George "Sugar Throat" Burns to appear on the show to sing "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon". The parking lot attendant (Mel) arrives to talk to Phil about his car and the guy who has his lips around the exhaust pipe. Jack calls George to see if he's left his house yet. Mabel and Gertrude fail to find George, but succeed in entertaining us for a few minutes.
Rochester calls to describe what the rain and mud have done to Jack's house while he was in Palm Springs. (Apparently, the porch went down with the Flying Enterprise). George arrives, raring to sing. He and Jack discuss their friendship, to give Phil's boys time to get the handcuffs off Fletcher. George launches into Jack's song with relish (maybe even with a little pickle in the middle and the mustard on top). Despite a few introductions, George actually gets the whole song out, and provides us with perhaps the definitive version of Jack's song.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: George Burns
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Bea Benaderet, Sara Berner, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, you all know the exciting story of Kurt Carlsen, the captain of the Flying Enterprise. But since we can't bring you that hero, we bring you a man who spent two days in a leaky canoe on Hollywood and Vine, Jack Benny!"
FLYING ENTERPRISE: A modern audience probably doesn't know the story of Kurt Carlsen and the "Flying Enterprise", so a little explanation is in order. Actually, this is quite interesting to me, because in Third Grade, I read about the 'Flying Enterprise' in a book called "Famous Mysteries of the Sea", by Patricia Lauber. The 'Flying Enterprise' story was in the book along with Amelia Earhart, the Mary Celeste, the wreck of the Victoria, the loss of Theodosia Burr, and other biggies.
The 'Flying Enterprise' was a freighter. In January 1952, it was caught in a storm. Pig Iron bars in the hold broke loose, shifted and nearly capsized the ship. Not quite, but the ship suffered structural damage and was crippled. They evacuated all of the crew except for Captain Carlsen (and first mate Kenneth Dancy, who is mentioned in the Lauber book, but doesn't get a callout on the Benny Show), who stayed aboard so that they could try to tow it into port. It took almost a week just to get the ship into tow. After a day or so of towing, the ship went down anyway, and the Captain finally abandoned ship at the last possible moment. It's a heroic story, but not much of a mystery that it should be included in a book called "Famous Mysteries of the Sea". The mystery part is almost a footnote to the story. Apparently there was a secret salvage operation carried out later on to try to recover something very important on the ship. Nobody is quite sure what it was, but rumors range from gold to zirconium for the USS Nautilus.
Wikipedia confirms pretty much everything I read in the Lauber book, and adds that a Danish expedition found the ship in 2001, and that it later made it onto the History Channel's show "Deep Sea Detectives". So, a happy ending after all.
NOTE: This is another edited for later broadcast episode, with the product endorsements removed.
JOKE: [1:20]
Jack: "The weather's been cold, too."
Don: "What are you talking about? It hasn't been cold."
It hasn't, eh? Don, Jane Russell has been wearing a sweater just to keep warm!"
JOKE: [2:00] (Don's weight is always good for a laugh)
Don: "Jack, if you mean what I think you do, I've got news for you. My Doctor said I'm NOT fat."
Jack: "Your doctor said you're not fat, huh?"
Don: "He said the reason I look this way is because I've got small bones."
Jack: "Small bones, huh?"
Don: "Yes."
Jack: "Don, a fish has small bones, and I've yet to see a halibut with five chins."
RUNNING JOKE: [2:30]
Jack: "It's about time you got to the studio. Why, you weren't even here for rehearsal."
Mary: "Well Jack, I couldn't help it. I left the house in plenty of time. It wasn't my fault that the bank was held up."
Jack: "Bank? Held up?"
Mary: "Yes, I was driving down Hollywood Boulevard. I stopped for a traffic light in Harlen, when two men with handkerchiefs over their faces, jumped into my car. They stuck a gun in my ribs, and said 'Get going, sister!'."
Jack: "No!"
Mary: "They made me drive out Sunset Boulevard, and when I slowed down to make a turn, they threatened me with the butt of their guns."
Jack: "Why, those no-good cowards!"
Mary: "My legs got tired, and when I released the pressure on the gas pedal, one of them pinched my arm and the other one slapped my face."
Jack: "Why, those dirty yellow rats!"
Mary: "Suddenly they pulled on the brake, jumped out of the car, said 'here's something for the gas', and threw me a $20 bill."
Jack: "What nice guys!"
(pause)
Jack: "I mean…"
(Mary laughs)
Jack: "Aww, now Mary. Did you make that story up?"
Mary: "Yes, Jack. Every time I'm late, you bawl me out, so I thought I'd make up an excuse."
Jack: "Some excuse. That's the worst story I ever heard. How you expected anyone to believe such a far-fetched fantastic story, I'll never…
(phone rings)
Don: "I'll get it. Hello? Yes, she's here. It's for you, Mary."
Mary: "Oh, thanks. Hello? Yes. Yes, I would. Oh no, you'll have to do better than that. Thank you. Goodbye."
Jack: "Who was that, Mary?"
Mary: "Warner Brothers, they just bought the story."
RUNNING JOKE: [5:15]
Jack: "Well Dennis, it's about time you got here."
Dennis: "Well, I'm sorry. I left my house in plenty of time. It wasn't my fault that the bank was held up."
Jack: "What?"
Dennis: "When I stopped for a traffic light, two men with handkerchiefs over their faces jumped in my car, stuck a gun in my ribs, and said 'Get Going!'"
Jack: "Oh, two men, huh?"
Dennis: "Yeah.
Jack: "They stuck a gun in your ribs, huh?"
Dennis: "Yeah."
Jack: "And I suppose you were very, very frightened."
Dennis: "Oh no, I recognized them."
Jack: "You did? Who were they?"
Dennis: "Humphrey Bogart and James Cagney. They were making a new picture for Warner Brothers."
Jack: "Gee, those studios sure work fast."
Dennis: "Then suddenly, they told me to stop the car, they jumped out, threw me a $20 bill for the gas, and kissed me goodbye."
Jack: "Kissed you goodbye??"
Dennis: "In the original story, a girl did the driving."
Jack: "I know, I know."
Dennis: "And I drove away, singing 'In My Merry Oldsmobile'."
Jack: "You were singing?"
Dennis: "Yeah, they decided to make it a musical."
Dennis. Dennis, come here a minute, will you?
Jack: "Uh huh."
[punching sound]
Dennis: "Ouch!!"
Mary: "Jack, why did you punch Dennis in the nose?"
Jack: "I wanted the picture to be in color. Ladies and gentlemen, I really didn't hit Dennis. What you heard was done by the sound man. Isn't that right, Dennis?"
Dennis: "Yeah, HE punched me in the nose."
JOKE: (Jack compliments Dennis and the band on Dennis' song)
Jack: "That was very good, Dennis. And Phil, I must admit that the music sounded good too."
Phil: "Well, thank you, Jackson. It's about time that you paid my boys a compliment."
Jack: "Phil, I compliment these boys any time I feel… wait a minute, Phil?"
Phil: "Uh huh."
Jack: "I just noticed that Fletcher is back in the band again."
Yeah! Yeah, good old Fletch. Got back three days ago."
Jack: "Well Phil, wait a minute. I thought Fletcher always played a slide trombone. How come he's playing a clarinet?"
Phil: "We had to switch him to an instrument he could play with his hands close together. We can't get the handcuffs off."
Jack: "Handcuffs? Phil, what're… what're… what'd Fletcher… what'd Fletcher do this time?"
Phil: "He… he… he didn't do nothing."
Jack: "Then why… why… why… why did they take him back to prison?"
Phil: "Because they changed wardens and he's the only one who knows where everything is."
Jack: "Oh yeah? Then why did they put the handcuffs on him?"
Phil: "Because they wanted everything to STAY where it is."
HARRISISM (MALAPROPISM), also RUNNING JOKE: [11:40]
Mary: "Say Phil, how many times has Fletcher been on probation?"
Phil: "This is his third semester."
Jack: "Oh, Phil. Say that word again, willya?"
Phil: "Semester."
Jack: "Say it once more."
Phil: "Semester."
Jack: "You know, folks, at rehearsal, he kept pronouncing it seamstress. Imagine. Seamstress."
Phil: "A natural mistake for a chap who likes to keep the audience in stitches."
Jack: "Now, cut that out!!"
SUGAR THROAT: Sugar Throat was Gracie's nickname for George, as she was the only one who enjoyed his singing.
THE OPERATORS: [14:20]
Gertrude: "Oh, Mabel?"
Mabel: "What is it, Gertrude?"
Gertrude: "Mr. Benny's line is flashing."
Mabel: "Yeah. I wonder what Schmoe Vadis wants now?"
Gertrude: "I'll plug in and find out. Yes, Mr. Benny. Yes, just a minute, I'll try and get him. He wants I should get him George Burns."
Mabel: "George Burns? I wonder why?"
Gertrude: "Maybe Jack wants him to be a guest on his television show this Sunday."
Mabel: "Those two straight men?? If it wasn't for Mary Livingstone and Gracie Allen, they'd be a couple of bums."
Gertrude: "I don't know. On second thought, they could do an act together. Jack could play the violin while George listens to it."
Mabel: "Well, what kind of an act would that be?"
Gertrude: "Jack fiddles while George Burns. Ha, ha, ha! I made a funny! I made a funny! Some day I may have my own switchboard."
Mabel: "Oh, Benny's line is flashing again."
Gertrude: "Yeah. He's jealous because we're getting laughs."
NICKNAMES FOR JACK: Schmoe Vadis.
JOKE: [16:30] (Jack is looking for George)
(Phone rings)
Jack: "Hello? Hello, is this Sugar Throat?"
Rochester: "If you mean lump sugar, yes."
JOKE: [16:30] (Rochester calls)
Rochester: "Well, Friday you called me from Palm Springs to check on the damage the rainstorm did to the house."
Jack: "Now, wait a minute, Rochester. At the start of the program, I told Don Wilson we're not going to do any jokes about the rainstorm."
Rochester: "This ain't no joke, Boss."
Jack: "What?"
Rochester: "Our front porch is covered with a foot of mud."
Jack: "Well, clean it off! Remember, our house is in Beverly Hills."
Rochester: "The house is, but the porch ain't?"
Jack: "You mean our porch floated away? Where is it now?"
Rochester: "With the Flying Enterprise."
Jack: "What?"
Rochester: "I stayed with it till the Coast Guard told me to jump."
RUNNING JOKE:
Mary: "Jack. Will you stop dreaming and get on with the show?"
Phil: "Yeah Jackson, let's get going. I've got to leave."
Jack: "What's your hurry?"
Phil: "Well, Alice had to have a new dress made, and she asked me to stop and pick it up at the semester's."
Jack: "That's seamstress! Can't get one thing right!!"
JOKE: [18:30]
Jack: "You know, kids, George and I have been friends for 20 years."
George: "Twenty-five."
Jack: "That's right. We've been following each other's careers since the days of vaudeville. We don’t make a move without consulting each other. Isn't that right, George?"
George: "That's right."
Jack: "But you did have me worried for a while. What took you so long to get here?"
George: "What took me so long? I've been chasing you all over town looking for you. When did you change networks?"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Jack changed from NBC to CBS in January 1949.
JOKE: [20:00]
Mary: "Oh George, I should have asked you when you first came in. How's Gracie?"
George: "Fine, Mary. She was going to come with me but last week she bought a little puppy and was going to enter him in the dog show."
Mary: "Oh, he must be cute."
George: "Not only cute, but Gracie thinks this puppy is the smartest dog in the world. She even thinks he can read."
Jack: "Wait a minute. Gracie thinks this dog can read?"
George: "Yeah, when she bought it, the man said when you lock him up at night in the kitchen, don't forget to put a newspaper on the floor."
Jack: "And she thinks he can read?"
George: "Leaves the light on all night."
JOKE: [20:30]
Jack: "He's just anxious to sing my song because he thinks it's wonderful. Don't you, George?"
George: "Yes, sir. That song will sell more copies than "My Tomato Ran Away, but I'll Ketchup to Her'."
Jack: "Who wrote that?"
George: "Rogers and Heinz."
Jack: "What?"
George: "Has 57 choruses."
THE BIGGEST LAUGHS: When George sings Jack's song, and gets to the line about "'Neath the Harvest Moon, we'll pledge our love anewwwwwwww'", Jack butts in with "That's an F Sharp." George replies "Oh, shut up", and this results in one of the show's longer laughs (approximately 19 seconds), before George can continue with the next line.
BOTTOM LINE: A strong episode. It's only a shame that George has so little air time. Burns is definitely the ideal person to sing Jack's song (what the song hasn't got, George hasn't either).
20. 01/27/52 JEKYLL AND HYDE
NOTE: Episode Lost
NOTE: The program was transcribed (recorded in advance) on January 20, 1952
21. 02/03/52 WOLFE GILBERT TO PUBLISH JACK'S SONG (28:18)
THE SHOW: Don had a nervous breakdown after a line flub on Jack's television show, and is being replaced today by his wife. Don misread the line "Be Happy Go Lucky" as "Be Lucky Go Happy" and is too upset to appear. Jack congratulates Mrs. Wilson on giving him a straight introduction for once. Phil, who once made a mistake himself tries to explain Don's viewpoint.
Jack calls Don at home to console him, and gets the doctor. The doc thinks Don might be recovered enough to be trusted with a razor before Jack's next show, five weeks from now. Jack asks to speak to Don, but he refuses to come out of the closet he's hiding in. Dennis arrives, with a novel excuse for being late. Don's doctor calls back with an update.
Dennis sings "Little White Cloud That Cried", which leads to the inevitable argument about the band. Dennis asks why Mary isn't there. Jack explains that she's on vacation in Palm Springs before their trip to New York next week. Jack gets a phone call from the Palm Springs operator. She's unable to get through to Mary, but a second operator has Jack leave a note from her for Mary's milkman, as well as help carry on Phil's Grunion joke a step further.
Rochester calls to ask if Jack wants to rent his house out for the week he'll be away. Also to say that Wolfe Gilbert the songwriter is on his to the studio to talk to Jack. Don didn't prepare a commercial, but Mrs. Wilson says she and the Sportsmen worked one out to cheer Don up. The Sportsmen sing a Lucky Strike themed version of "Be Happy Go Lucky" (which was a Lucky Strike song in the first place, come to think of it). Wolfe Gilbert arrives. Jack introduces him to the gang. Jack and Wolfe have a composer-to-composer chat.
Jack and Wolfe do a duet of "Waitin' For the Robert E. Lee", with Jack on Violin.
TAG: Don's doctor calls with an update on his condition. Don came out of the closet (not a joke in those days), but has a temperature of 46, due to having hidden in the deep freeze.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Lois Corbett, Wolfie Gilbert,
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, Del Sharbutt, Blanche Stewart
DON'S WIFE'S INTRO: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the star of the Lucky Strike Program, Jack Benny!"
NOTE: Mrs. Don Wilson is Lois Corbett, Don's fourth wife, whom he married in 1950. However, her first name is not mentioned in this episode. Oddly enough, she sounds just a bit like Benita Colman.
JOKE: [2:30] (Don is too distraught to show his face. Or stomach)
Jack: "At the close of my television show, Don was supposed to say "Be Happy Go Lucky". But somehow he got mixed up and said "Be Lucky Go Happy". It was nothing."
Phil: "Well, you say it's nothing because you don't understand the complexities of emotional reaction."
Jack: "Complexities of emotional reaction?"
Phil: "And I know what I'm talking about. I once made a mistake. For months I couldn't look people in the eye, I was shunned, a social outcast. My friends wouldn't talk to me."
Jack: "Phil, for heaven's sake, what did you do?"
Phil: "I put a cherry in a martini."
Jack: "No!! A cherry in a martini? Why Phil, I don't blame your friends for shunning you."
Phil: "I don't mind that, but they tied me to a post and gave me 20 lashes with a swizzle stick."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: A good example of going just a bit too far. If they'd stopped at the cherry in a martini line, it would have been funny. But they try to milk (no pun intended) a bit too much out of it, and that swizzle stick line is just too goofy to work.
JOKE: [3:20]
Jack: "Now Mrs. Wilson, is Don really so upset about that mistake he made, that he couldn't come to work?"
Mrs. Wilson: "Oh, yes Mr. Benny. Last Sunday when he came home right after the television show, I had to coax him to the dinner table. He just sipped at the consommé, and nibbled at the salad. But I knew something was wrong when he didn't eat the T-bone."
Jack: "Don didn't eat the steak?"
Mrs. Wilson: "No, the bone. He ate the steak."
Jack: "Wait a minute, Mrs. Wilson. You mean… you mean to say when Don eats a steak, he eats the bone too?"
Mrs. Wilson: "That's why we had to get rid of our dog. Such fights!"
THE OLD DAYS: [5:00] (Don is hiding in the closet)
Don: "Be Happy, Go Lucky! Be Happy, Go Lucky! Be Happy, Go Lucky! It isn't "Be Lucky Go Happy!" It's Be Happy, Go Lucky! Be Happy, Go Lucky! It's so simple! How did I ever mix it up? I never mixed up that other one! Strawberry, Raspberry, Cherry, Orange, Lemon and Lime!"
THE NOT QUITE AS OLD DAYS: [6:00]
Jack: "He shut himself up in a closet and the doctor can't get him out."
Mrs. Wilson: "Oh dear, I hope he isn't stuck again."
Jack: "Again?"
Mrs. Wilson: "Yes. The last time he made a mistake, he forced himself into a closet, and we had to break down the wall to get him out."
Jack: "The last time he made a mistake?"
Mrs. Wilson: "Yes, don't you remember? Two years ago on one of his programs, he was supposed to say 'I saw it in Drew Pearson's column'. But instead of saying "Drew Pearson", he said "Dreer Pooson"."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Dreer Pooson flub - 01/08/1950. One of the big ones.
JOKE: [6:30] (Dennis arrives with a shaggy dog story)
Dennis: "Hello, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Well Dennis, it's about time you got here. I hope you have a good excuse for being late."
Dennis: "Oh, I have. You see, I was walking down the street and I passed a gas station, and there was a car standing there getting gas.
Jack: "And you had to stop and watch the car getting gasoline?"
Dennis: "Oh, it wasn't that. There was a dog in the back seat of the car that attracted my attention. A white French poodle."
Jack: "Oh, well that is a rare species."
Dennis: "Yeah. The man told me the dog was worth over two thousand dollars and while I was standing there, the attendant happened to spill some gasoline on the ground. And before the man could stop him, the dog jumped out of the car and lapped up all the gasoline."
Jack: "Gosh!"
Dennis: "And then he made a crazy dash down the street, and when he got about two blocks away, he suddenly stopped and flopped right over on his side."
Jack: "Dead?"
Dennis: "No, he ran out of gas."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Yes, they really did have gas station attendants back in those days. People who would pump your gas for you. Dennis mentions buying this joke from Phil in exchange for telling him about the complexities of emotional reaction, to do a tie-in to Phil's earlier explanation for why he understood Don's reaction to the flub. Even if it's not funny, if it's a running joke, so people will laugh.
RUNNING JOKE: [8:00]
(phone rings)
Jack: "Hello?"
Doctor: "Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Mr. Wilson's doctor."
Jack: "Yes, yes.'
Doctor: "We just X-rayed Mr. Wilson and found some broken bones."
Jack: "Broken bones? Where?"
Doctor: "In his stomach. Tell Mrs. Wilson he finished his dinner."
NAMES FOR THE BAND: Phil Harris and His Gruen Wristwatch Orchestra.
JOKE:
Jack: "That was Little White Cloud That Cried", sung by Dennis Day, and accompanied by Phil Harris and His Gruen Wristwatch Orchestra. And now, folks…"
Phil: "Well, that's a new one. Jackson, why did you call my band The Gruen Wristwatch Orchestra?"
Jack: "Phil, if I've got to listen to them, I might as well get something for it!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: The previous is a reference to the fact the product plugs often brang largesse from the pluggees. From Milt Josefsberg's book, pp. 132-135:
"In my early days in radio, we frequently did jokes that mentioned commercial products, and at that time we not only didn't get gifts, but we actually had to procure permission in advance from the advertising agency to make any reference to the item. One such joke was done during a Bob Hope monologue in 1940. Bob said "Three weeks ago I mentioned Martha Washington candy on my program, and they sent me a ten-pound box of goodies as a gift. Two weeks ago I mentioned Kodak, and they sent me a free camera. Last week I decided to press my luck and I mentioned Cadillac, and sure enough, on the way home, I got hit by one."
The line was greeted with a large laugh, but no gifts came to any of the writers, or anyone else, from the three products mentioned. Yet during my sojourn with Hope and my first few years with Jack, we writers kept kidding commercial products the same way we'd do material on any topical subject, movie, or book.
Then, in the mid-1940s, plugs became a big business as public relations men discovered a new El Dorado and dug deep. When a radio show mentioned their client's products, the P.R.'s would send a gift of liquor to the writers. The usual payment was a case of liquor, but in many instances the rewards were larger, depending on the rating of the show and the importance of the mention. Since the Jack Benny Show was usually in the top three, we writers were liberally supplied with liquor.
As mentioned, we saw nothing wrong in receiving gifts for writing about the same products we had been using as past program targets for our humor. However, one writer on another show was morally indignant at what he felt was a prostitution of our art, and he vowed that no product would ever receive free advertising on his show. This boomeranged when the comic he was working for heard all his peers poking fun at seemingly topical subjects while his program lagged behind the times. Therefore the comic began to do plugs, and his writer's morality wasn't sufficiently high enough for him to reject the accompanying rewards.
On our show we were not indiscriminate, for we set certain standards. The joke containing the "plug" must be at least as funny, if not funnier, than the rest of the script. Also, we would never accept money for giving gratuitous publicity, just gifts. This may be petty nit-picking, but we felt that it was more honorable. Finally, we would never do a "reverse" plug - one that derided or injured a rival product or business. For instance, at one time when the freight train tycoons were suffering setbacks because the trucking industry began getting a larger share of business, a P.R. man tried to get the various programs to make disparaging remarks about trucks and truck drivers. He even invented a word, "Mackophobia," which supposedly meant "fear of being hit by a truck," and promised that if we would have a member of our cast just utter and explain this word during a broadcast, we would receive twenty-five hundred dollars. We turned the deal down, and I believe every other show did likewise because I never heard "Mackophobia" mentioned on any broadcast.
Eventually our listeners became aware of this little racket, and they quickly jumped to the false conclusion that every time a comedian mentioned a commercial product, lavish gifts were forthcoming. This wasn't true, but the public's knowledge of the situation let to a memorable moment on one of our broadcasts. It happened during a show where the action took place in Jack's home. It was supposedly late at night and he was getting ready to retire for the evening. The dialogue went as follows:
Rochester: "It's kind of chilly. Do you want me to turn up the heat?"
Jack: "No, just turn on my General Electric blanket."
Rochester: "But Boss, you don't have a General Electric blanket."
Jack: "I have now."
The audience laughed knowingly when Jack merely mentioned "General Electric blanket," and they howled at his punch line, "I have now." They felt they were in on an inside joke. Oddly enough, we had selected "General Electric" specifically because we felt that the company would not respond to the mention. However, the day after the broadcast we were contacted by a General Electric representative, and all the people connected with the show - cast, crew, and writers - received free blankets for every bed in their homes.
Plugs frequently gave us the biggest laughs on the show. One incident occurred when an enterprising P.R. man was publicizing the paper plate industry. As a promotional gimmick he invented "National Save a Wife Week" which fostered the idea of using paper plates, thus giving your wife time off from the drudgery of dishwashing. Just mentioning "National Save a Wife Week" was a plug. During our dress rehearsal that Sunday, Jack was dissatisfied with the opening joke in a routine where Rochester was serving him breakfast. As we were trying to think of a suitable substituted, I said that a great feed line would be to have Jack sit down and say "Rochester, how come you're serving breakfast on paper plates?" Rochester would then answer, "Because this is 'National Save a Wife Week.'" Jack, always an easy laugher, thought this was hilarious and wanted to put it in the script immediately. However, the other writers weren't so sure of the laugh-provoking possibility of this simple statement and we tried to get a topper. Finally George Balzer came up with two great additional lines, as follows
Jack: "What has "National Save a Wife Week" got to do with you?"
Rochester: "Boss, anyone whose contract reads "Till death do us part" fits in that category."
This four-line routine was one of the high spots of the program. Jack was right in gauging the value of Rochester's first line because it got more than an average audience reaction. However, Rochester's "Till death do us part" punch line garnered an almost ear-shattering laugh.
Practically every comic in radio quickly became aware of the proximity of laughs and liquor when a trade name was mentioned. The writers usually informed their bosses, not so much out of honesty, but because of self-preservation. They realized that the men they worked for were of above average intelligence and would soon start wondering why week after week they kept telling jokes about Bulova watches, Schwinn bicycles, Bendix washing machines, and other such products.
The comics never objected. Jack simply admonished us to keep it within reason and to make sure that the joke containing the freebie was funny. Some other comedians declared themselves equal partners with their writers, and they weren't above ad-libbing a few plugs during the broadcast for their private benefit. One famed funny-man informed his writing staff during the middle of one December that on their Christmas shopping show (an annual standby of all programs) all product mentions were taboo. The writers figured that this restriction came as a result of a memo from the sponsor or the network, but at the first reading of the script that week everything became clear. The comic had written a lengthy joke concerning the many Christmas gifts he'd have to buy for his cast and crew. This single gag contained twenty-nine brand names, each of which was a plug. Santa Claus came a little early to the comedian that year, and one of his cars had to be parked in the driveway because his garage looked like an overstocked liquor store.
Only once during my lengthy tenure did Jack benefit from this broadcasting gold mine, and it was the writers who suggested it, not Jack. During a rewrite session we heard Jack tell his secretary to call a department store and find out the prices of television sets, since he wanted to give one as a gift to a less well-to-do friend. We told Jack to hold off his purchase while we tried to think of how we could get one gratis. We did it on the very net broadcast. The program was one where Jack dreamed that he was married to Mary, and that they had a daughter Joan, who by a not too unusual coincidence was played by their daughter Joan. In one scene she had a boyfriend visit her, and they were sitting in the living room. Joan pointed to a picture of Jack on the television set and proudly said: "Daddy was in the Navy." The boy commented, "Gosh he was an admiral." Joan replied, "No, that's the television set." Joan got her laugh and Jack got a free TV set from Admiral.
Plugs were frowned upon by the networks, but as long as they got big laughs there was no way of curtailing them. However, after the big quiz scandals in the 1950s, stringent rules were enforced and no plugs were permitted. The weekly salary checks given to writers, performers, and "prop" men (who would occasionally furnish sets in TV shows with easily identifiable products such as Coca-Cola bottles) bore the legend, "By signing this check the endorser vows that he received no remuneration in gifts, cash, or kind, for advertising any product other than the sponsors'." The warning went on to remind you that you could be fined or given a jail term or both for violations of this oath.
In recent years most programs have abandoned this loyalty oath. However, because reruns might be sponsored by rival manufacturers, the writers censor themselves. Some comedy shows still do mention commercial products, but few writers try to capitalize on them. No merchandise or gifts are given to them. The laughs we get are sufficient rewards, and television scripting assignments are so rare, and so richly remunerative, that the writers avoid the risks."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: The Admiral TV episode was 10/15/1950. This episode was later re-made for TV, so no word on whether or not Jack got a second Admiral set that way.
JOKE: [12:00] (Dennis' song leads to another argument about the band)
Phil: "Now, just a minute, Jackson. You've just cast aspersions on a musical group that last week played at the formal opening of the Pismo Beach Grunion Festival."
Jack: "Very funny, Phil. But I happen to know that last week those little fish called Grunion weren't running."
Phil: "That's why the committee hired my band."
Jack: "What?"
Phil: "They put my boys on a barge, towed 'em three miles out, they played "That's What I Like About the South", and the Grunion hit the beach like it was D-Day!"
THE OLD DAYS: [12:00]
Dennis: "Oh, Mr. Benny?"
Jack: "Yes, Dennis?"
Dennis: "How come Mary isn't here?"
Jack: "Oh, Mary's in Palm Springs. See, next week I have to go to New York, Mary's going with me, so I thought I'd let her take a little vacation."
Dennis: "You never give me a vacation."
Jack: "Well Dennis, when I give Mary a week off, we can fill in with more dialogue, but it's difficult to have a program without a song. So I can't do without a singer."
Dennis: "Excuses, excuses.
Jack: "Huh?"
Dennis: "You gave Kenny Baker a vacation."
Jack: "What?"
Dennis: "He's been gone 12 years."
Jack: "Dennis…"
Dennis: "When's he coming back? I'm getting tired?"
Jack: "Dennis, I didn't give Kenny Baker a vacation. He left because of another job that paid more money."
Dennis: "Gee, didn't that upset you?"
Jack: "No, I was his agent."
NOTE: Jack credits Wolfe Gilbert as writing "Waiting for the Robert E. Lee", "Down Yonder", "The Peanut Vendor" and "Lilac Time".
JOKE: [16:00]
Jack: "Rochester, did you tell [Wolfe Gilbert] about the song I wrote?"
Rochester: "No, Boss."
Jack: "Why not?"
Rochester: "That, and how you look in the morning are my guarded secrets."
BE HAPPY GO LUCKY: We saw new verses of "Be Happy Go Lucky" every episode last year, but here are the first new ones of the season:
Sportsmen:
Be lucky and go happy, that is what Don Wilson said,
Now 40 million people know why he is sick in bed.
But don't you worry, Don old boy, you'll still collect your pay,
If you make sure that in the future, this is what you say:
Be Happy Go Lucky, be Happy get better taste,
Be Happy go Lucky, go Lucky Strike today.
Get out of bed and take a walk, the air will do you good,
Don't try to hide to save your pride, your fluff was understood.
Why, any one of us could make a similar mistake,
So don't feel bad, just watch it dad, be right for goodness sake.
Be Happy Go Lucky, be Happy get better taste,
Be Happy go Lucky, go Lucky Strike today.
Jack: Be Happy and go lucky is a slogan you know well,
So say it right on Sunday night or I will get Von Zell.
Be Happy Go Lucky, be Happy get better taste,
Be Happy go Lucky, go Lucky Strike today.
FLUB: [19:30] It doesn't translate to the page well, but Dennis flubs a line of Irish brogue, to Jack's amazement.
JOKE: [21:00]
Wolfe: "So you see, Jack, 30 years from now your song may be a success too."
Jack: "Yeah, but who can wait that long? I'm 39 now. In 30 years, I'll be 45."
JACK'S VIOLIN: We haven't heard him play it in a while, but Wolfe actually lets Jack take violin to one of his own songs in here. Wonder how much they had to pay him for that?
BOTTOM LINE: A slightly above average episode. It feels like a bit of a swerve, though. Wolfe Gilbert is called in, ostensibly to offer his two cents worth about Jack's song, maybe even do his own version of it, then Jack's song is forgotten once he gets there. Gilbert doesn't have much in the way of funny lines, he's mainly there for the appearance. Don's wife is used to much better effect.
22. 02/10/52 TO NY TO PUBLISH JACK'S SONG (29:01)
SITCOM: Don is at home, practicing the show's opening announcement. He comes off very flat, and doesn't seem to have his heart in it, obviously still shaken by his "Be Lucky Go Happy" flub on Jack's TV show. Don's wife opines that he did it well, but Don still thinks he'd be a nervous wreck if he tried to do it on the program. Lois says that Don will feel much better when Jack returns from New York. In fact, he just called to say goodbye.
Segue to Jack and Rochester packing for the trip to New York. Rochester thinks Jack should get new luggage, but Jack says his current set came from his dad. Rochester has packed 600 sandwiches for the trip. Phil arrives, to return the $1000 that Jack loaned him. Jack calls Prudential to cancel the Life Insurance policy he took out on Phil. Rochester asks to take next week off to visit his girlfriend (not Susie this time), as this is the only evening that her boyfriend is away, working on the Amos & Andy Show (a job which Rochester got for him). Mary arrives, and asks for a dollar to pay the cabbie. When she leaves, Jack tells Phil that Mary will be spending all her time in Plainfield, so does Phil know any girls in New York that he could fix Jack up with. Phil gives Jack his old little black book. When he drops it, California's first earthquake nearly ensues.
Dennis arrives and does his routine. Dennis sings "Because You Come To Me". Jack prepares to leave, and gives Phil a forwarding address at the Acme Plaza. In Dennis's car, Dennis lets Jack and Mary off at the Union Station. Since Jack threw out his shoulder, he makes the Porter sign papers to collect a tip from Blue Cross. The Porter tells a story about the cheapest customer he ever met, which was probably Jack, from the way he tells it. Jack asks directions from The Idunno Man, but he doesn't know.
The Porter tells Jack that his suitcase came open, and gives him 15 cents for the sandwich he ate. The PA Announcer announces that a lucky ticket holder has won a turkey. Two onlookers seeing Mary with Jack mistakenly believe that she was the winner. Mary spots Don's wife. Don didn't come with her, as he is still too upset. Jack insists that Don's flub could have happened to anyone, and the PA Announcer inadvertently helps him make his point. Lois brought the Sportsmen, with her, who sing Jack a Lucky Strike themed version of "Take Good Care Of Yourself".
The Ticket Turkey still hasn't been claimed. Jack realizes that his ticket is Coach class. To upgrade it to a Pullman (and because he realizes he hasn't met Frank Nelson yet in this episode), he heads to the ticket window. The Stevedore Salesclerk asks to cut in line, as he's just gotten married. He and his blushing (and giggling) bride want to get out of town before their parents find out. Frank and Steve's conversation sounds very much like a certain popular song. Jack gets his ticket changed, and when he orders his luggage transferred, discovers that he won the turkey!
TAG: Jack counts his sandwiches and discovers that he still has all 600. The Porter gave him the 15 cents just to get a laugh.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Lois Corbett, Roy Glenn, Elliot Lewis,
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Bea Benaderet, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, Del Sharbutt, Blanche Stewart
DON'S INTRO: [None]
JOKE: [2:40]
Rochester: "Say Mr. Benny, you do so much traveling. Why don't you get some new luggage?"
Jack: "Rochester, I wouldn't part with these bags for anything. They were with me through my entire career."
Rochester: "They were?"
Jack: "Yep. Now, you take those two bags over there. I was just a youngster leaving home when my father went out and bought them for me."
Rochester: "Your father bought them for you? Where were you going?"
Jack: "He didn't care as long as I went."
JOKE: [3:40]
Jack: "By the way, where did you pack my song, Rochester?"
Rochester: "In that big bag."
Jack: "Good."
Rochester: "You'll find it between your underwear and your sandwiches."
Jack: "Did you wrap the sandwiches in wax paper?"
Rochester: "No, we didn't have any."
Jack: "Gee, I hope nothing from the sandwiches gets on my song."
Rochester: "Personally, I hope nothing from the song gets on the sandwiches!"
JOKE: [5:00]
Phil: "Hey Jackson, I'm glad I caught you before you left for New York. I wanted to thank you for lending me that thousand dollars a few weeks ago, and I'm happy to say I can pay it back to you right now."
Jack: "The thousand dollars? You can?"
Phil: "Yep. Here you are."
Jack: "Thank you, Phil. Excuse me just a minute."
[dialing sound]
Jack: "Hello? Prudential? This is Jack Benny, I'd like to cancel that life insurance policy I took out on Phil Harris. Thank you, goodbye."
Phil: "Jack. Jackson, you mean to say that after you loaned me that thousand dollars, you took out an insurance policy on my life?"
Jack: "Certainly, that's just good business."
Phil: "But how come I didn't know about it? Wasn't I supposed to sign the application?"
Jack: "Well, I signed it for you."
Phil: "Well, that's awful, Jackson! You mean you forged my X??"
Jack: "Well, I can do that, it's in your contract."
Phil: "Oh, oh. What kind of a policy did you take out on me?"
Jack: "A thousand dollars, straight life."
Phil: "Well, didn't you know that by paying a little extra, you could have gotten double indemnity?"
Jack: "I knew it, but I didn't want to be tempted!"
JOKE: [7:00]
Jack: "Phil, Mary will be back soon. Don't you know any girls in New York? Can't you give me a few numbers?"
Phil: "Look Jackson, I'll do better than that. I'll give you my old address book. Here."
Jack: "Whoops!"
[loud, clunking sound]
Jack: "I dropped it. Phil, that's your address book?"
Phil: "Hmm mmm, it's got over 1200 pages in it."
Jack: "1200 pages of nothing but girls' names?"
Phil: "There's also some comments by the author."
Jack: "All right, Phil, thanks for the book. I'll have it crated and shipped to New York."
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [8:15] See below.
OH! SOMETHING!: [8:30]
Dennis: "I feel awful."
Mary: "Why? What's the matter, Dennis?"
Dennis: "Well, I've never eaten oysters in my life and everybody keeps telling me how good they are, so this afternoon I ordered some for lunch. Oooh, my stomach."
Phil: "Kid, maybe you got stuck with some bad oysters. Were they spoiled?"
Dennis: "How should I know?"
Jack: "Well, you should be able to tell when you take them out of the shell."
Dennis: "Oh!! Out of the shell!!"
NAMES FOR DENNIS: Glue Point Head.
HARRISISM (MALAPROPISM): [12:00]
Phil: "Say look, if I want to contact you in New York, where will you be staying?"
Jack: "Oh, the same place I always do, the Acme Plaza hotel."
Mary: "Oh Jack, not that dump again."
Jack: "Mary, it's not a dump. Some very famous people stay there."
Phil: "He's right, Livvy. Last time we were in new York, I visited Jackson at the Acme Plaza, and I noticed that Jose Iturbe was staying there too.
Mary: "Are you sure?"
Phil: "Certainly I'm sure. He had the room right next to Jackson. He had his name on a sign hanging outside of his door. Jose Iturbe."
Jack: "That was Do Not Disturb!!"
JOKE: [13:00] (Dennis gives Jack and Mary a lift to the station)
Jack: "Dennis, if you're going to make a turn, make it!"
Dennis: "I'm not going to make a turn."
Jack: "Then why do you keep sticking your hand out?"
Dennis: "I want to see if it's raining."
Jack: "What?"
Dennis: "If it is, I'll stop and put the top up."
Mary: "Uh, Jack…"
Jack: "Wait a minute, Mary. Wait a minute, I'm trying to figure that one out. Let's see, if the top is down, why did he have to stick his hand out to see if it's raining? Dennis?"
Dennis: "Quiet, I'm trying to figure it out too."
JOKE: [14:00]
Jack: "Why isn't there a porter around when you want one?"
Mary: "A porter? Jack, you always carry your own bags."
Jack: "Well, I can't this time. Yesterday, I hurt my shoulder."
Porter (Roy Glenn): "Carry your bags, sir?"
Jack: "Yes, Yes, but first, would you mind singing these papers?"
Mary: "Uh Jack, what's that all about?"
Jack: "I told you, I hurt my shoulder. If he signs these papers, he can get his tip from the Blue Cross. Just sign right here, boy."
Porter: "Mister, I don't know who you are, but I've been a porter at this station for a long time, and only once before did I run across a man who presented a similar situation."
Mary: "Uh, who was that?"
Porter: "I don't know who he was, but it was 20 years ago and he got off a train that arrived from Waukegan."
Jack: "Come on, Mary, let's go.
Porter: "I'll never forget him. He had a violin and a gypsy earring."
Jack: "Mary, come on, let's go."
Porter: "At last I carried his bag out to the taxi stand, and held out my hand."
Mary: "Did you get anything?"
Porter: "Get anything? He charged me two bits for reading my palm!"
TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT:
Mel: "Train leaving on Track 5 for Anaheim, Azusa, and Cuc… amonga!"
TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT: [15:40]
Mel: "Attention please, attention. The train for Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga will be delayed in Definitely. Definitely is two miles this side of Cucamonga."
IDUNNO GUY: [16:40]
Jack: "Oh, pardon me, mister, but is the Super Chief leaving on time?"
Idunno Man: "I dunno."
Jack: "Well, what… what gate does it leave from?"
Idunno Man: "I dunno."
Jack: "Well, what track does it leave on?"
Idunno Man: "I dunno!!"
Jack: "If you don't know anything, what are you doing behind that Information Desk?"
Idunno Man: "I had to get behind something, I ripped my pants!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Most of the Idunno Man's punchlines seem to have something to do with his pants. Not sure what to make of that.
TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT [17:00]
Mel: "Attention please, attention. Will the holder of baggage check number 6847-35904 please go to the Station Master's office? You have just won a turkey."
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [17:45]
Jack: "Gee, I hope the porter will be careful with my luggage. I brought 600 sandwiches."
Mary: "600 sandwiches??"
Jack: "If this train gets snowbound, I'll make a fortune!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: A reference to the steamer "City of San Francisco", stranded in the Sierra Nevada in January 1952.
See http://www.cprr.org/Museum/Stranded_Streamliner_1952/
JOKE: [18:00]
Onlooker: "Say Jeanette. Jeanette, look. There's Mary Livingstone. Ain't she the lucky one?"
Jeanette (Eymann): "Yeah, imagine having Jack Benny on your arm."
Onlooker: "Oh, is that who that is? I thought she won the turkey."
TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT [18:15] (and Forgotten Humor)
Mel: "Attention, please, attention. The Sunset Limited now arriving on Track 8. The El Capitan now arriving on Track 6. And you'll never guess what's happening on Track 4."
Jack: "What?"
Mel: (Begins singing some presumably relevant popular song whose lyrics I can't make out)
TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT [18:15]
Jack: "Didn't Don come down with you?"
Lois: "No, Mr. Benny. He's just too ashamed to face you after that mistake he made."
Jack: "On my television show? But it was nothing. Anybody could have said 'Be Lucky Go Happy', instead of 'Be Happy Go Lucky'. All he did was twist a word around."
Mel: "All aboard. Train now leaving on Track 5 for Anaheim, Azusa, and Mongacuca."
Jack: "You see? ANYBODY can make a mistake!"
TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT: [21:15]
Mel: "Attention, please. Attention. Will the holder of baggage check
Number 6847-35904, please come and get this turkey?? Please!"
[turkey gobble]
Mel: "Oh, shut up."
SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS: [22:30]
Jack: "Are you the ticket agent?"
Frank: "If I'm not, I made $2000 today!"
PROSEY SONGS: [23:00] (Frank and the Stevedore Salesclerk perform "Too Young" in prose form.)
Frank: "Where would you like to go?"
Steve: "Any place. We just want to get away before our parents catch up with us. They objected to us getting married."
Frank: "They did? Why?"
Steve: "They tried to tell us we're too young."
Frank: "Too young to really be in love?"
Steve: "They said that love's a woid, a woid we've only hoid. We didn't know the meaning of it. Ain't that right, honey?"
[cackling laughter]
Steve: "And yet we're not too young to know. Our love will last though years may go."
Frank: "Well, don't you worry, some day they may recall. You were not too young at all."
RUNNING JOKE: [24:15]
Jack: "Now clerk, clerk, how about waiting on me?"
Frank: "Oh yes, yes. You want a Pullman. Here you are. Compartment 8."
Jack: "Thanks. Tell me, clerk, do I have to change trains?"
Frank: "Indubitably."
Jack: "What?"
Frank: "Dubitably is two miles east of Definitely."
Jack: "You're insane!"
Frank: "Sane is two miles north of Dubitably!"
Jack: "Now, cut that out!"
BOTTOM LINE: A strong episode. The sequence at Jack's house is slightly above average, and the Train Station sequence is strong from beginning to end.
23. 02/17/52 NEW YORK SYMPHONY PLAYS JACK'S SONG (29:39)
SITCOM: Jack is back home, picking out suits to send to the cleaners. He finds a lipstick smudge on one, the result of a subway accident. Mary arrives with another letter from Momma. Don arrives, cured from his trauma. Don is looking for the Sportsmen. Jack says he's had them prepare a special song to remind Don not to flub in the future. The Sportsmen sing a Lucky and Don Wilson themed version of "Don't Forget to Remember".
The dry cleaner picks up Jack's suits and congratulates him on the lipstick smudge. Phil calls, asking to miss rehearsal. Jack has a word with him about Sammy the Drummer's risqué drum. Dennis arrives and does his routine. He rehearses his song for the program, Ray Charles' "Cry". When Jack congratulates Dennis, Dennis wants to know what happened to that lousy song Jack wrote. Mary had asked everyone not to mention the song, as Jack's trip to New York to find a publisher had been a complete failure. Dennis and Mary leave. Jack is tired from the trip, and decides to take a nap. He falls asleep, thinking how wrong those 378 publishers that he talked to were.
JACK'S DREAM: Jack dreams that the New York Symphony is preparing to play his song at Carnegie Hall, with such notables as Toscanini, Rubinstein, Haefetz and Harris in attendance.
The conductor interviews Mary and Phil about the song. Mel Blanc kills himself for having turned down the song when it was offered to him.
Jack sees himself ascending the podium, in pyjama tops, in order to accompany the symphony as First Violin. The conductor raises his baton, and the New York Symphony actually plays "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon, Then I'll Come Back To You"!
TAG: Rochester wakes Jack. Rochester opines that dreams can come true if a wishbone is placed under the pillow, then says it's not worth killing a chicken for when he hears what the dream was.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS:
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Well, ladies and gentlemen, last night, Jack Benny returned from his trip to New York. As we look in on him, he's going through his clothes closet and picking out some suits to send to the cleaners."
RUNNING JOKES: Lipstick smudge on Jack's suit, Sammy the Drummer has a midget bathing beauty in his drum, Dennis has small pox, Jack wears only the tops of pyjamas, Babe likes raw meat (rather a LOT of running jokes in this one).
JOKE: [3:00]
Jack: "Where have you been for the past hour?"
Rochester: "I've been straightening up my room."
Jack: "Oh."
Rochester: "And I've been meaning to talk to you about my room for a long time, Boss. It's getting shabby and I think it's time it was fixed up a little."
Jack: "Fixed up?"
Rochester: "Yeah, I wish you'd come take a look at it."
Jack: "Okay, come on. I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill."
Rochester: "No, I'm not. My room is so old fashioned."
Jack: "Oh, stop exaggerating. Every time you want something done, you make a big thing out of it."
[door opens]
Rochester: "There, Boss. Take a look for yourself."
Jack: "Rochester, it's so dark in your room, I can't see a thing."
Rochester: "Wait a minute, I'll light the gas."
JOKE: [3:30]
Jack: "Rochester, you left your pyjama pants on the floor."
Rochester: "Oh yeah, I'll hang 'em up."
Jack: "Those are just the pants, what did you do with the tops?"
Rochester: "Tops? You ought to know I don't wear 'em?"
Jack: "I ought to know? Why?"
Rochester: "Don't you remember the ad I answered when I first came to work for you?"
Jack: "No, what did the ad say?"
Rochester: "Wanted: Valet who only wear the bottoms of pyjamas to work for gentleman who only wears tops."
Jack: "Oh yes, we've split about six pairs since then, haven't we?"
CONTINUITY ALERT: Rochester claims his is the only one, but for the sake of a joke, other rooms in Jack's house have sometimes had gas rather than electric lights also. And there are several different stories about how Rochester came to work for Jack, with the most notable being that Amos & Andy gave his contract to Jack as settlement for a traffic accident.
JOKE: [4:00] (Jack and Rochester discuss redecorating Rochester's room)
Jack: "Your room doesn't look so bad. What do you think you'd need?"
Rochester: "Well, I thought I'd like to have Venetian blinds."
Jack: "Why do you want Venetian Blinds?"
Rochester: "I don't want anybody to know I ain't got a window."
Jack: "Oh, stop. If it'll make you happy, I'll have them paint a window on your wall."
Rochester: "Have them paint it closed, I don't want to catch cold."
JOKE: [4:40]
Rochester: "Welcome back from New York."
Mary: "Thank you. Say, you look kind of happy today."
Rochester: "I am. Mr. Benny's going to redecorate my room."
Mary: "Well, that's nice."
Rochester: "Say Miss Livingstone, maybe you can tell me something. Every room in this house has electricity in it but the servant's room. Why does that room have gas?"
Mary: "Well, it was done for convenience."
Rochester: "Convenience?"
Mary: "Yes, everyone who works for Mr. Benny eventually wants to kill themselves."
NAMES FOR MOMMA: [5:00] "The Hostess on the Shrimp Boat"
MARY'S SISTER BABE: [5:40]
Mary, reading: "The reason Babe is coming out to California is to get away from here and all the sad memories. Her boyfriend Wilbur is gone, and he met a very sad end. He worked for a brewery and fell into a vat of beer. They saved him from drowning in the beer, but he died of pneumonia, which he caught from everyone trying to blow the foam off him."
JOKE: [6:40]
Mary: "So you're finally over your nervous breakdown."
Don: "Yes, the third psychiatrist I went to cured me."
Jack: "The third psychiatrist? What was wrong with the first two?"
Don: "Their couches broke."
SPORTSMEN QUARTET: [7:10] (The Sportsmen sing a song to remind Don to get his lines right)
Remember the way, the way you say, Be Happy, Go Lucky.
Remember Be Happy must come first, and then comes Go Lucky.
Remember with LSMFT, you must get this slogan right, you see.
If not, you'll wake up at NBC, so don't forget to remember.
Remember you stood right at this mike, and did the commercial that you like.
If you want to stay with Lucky Strike, then don't forget to remember.
We'll be missing you, always. There'll be someone new, always.
Not for just LS, not for just MF, not for just FT, but always.
MARY'S SISTER BABE: [9:30]
Jack: "You know, Mary, I've been thinking about your mother's letter. It'll be nice company for you, having your sister Babe stay with you."
Mary: "Yes, and while she's here, Jack, I wish you'd be kind of nice to her. You know, she's peeved at you for saying all those awful things about her on the radio."
Jack: "Oh, well I'll make it up to her. On the first day that she comes, I'll have her over for dinner. I'll have Rochester make something special. What does she like?"
Mary: "Well, she likes most everything, but she's especially fond of meat."
Rochester: "Well, I'll broil some steaks, Miss Livingstone. How does your sister like her meat cooked?"
Mary: "I don't know, she's never had it that way."
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [11:30]. Dennis thinks he's got small pox, since his house is quarantined, and his parents aren't sick. Jack explains that they're just trying to get rid of him for a while.
JOKE: [12:30]
Dennis: "I can't get in my house. It's quarantined on account of small pox."
Mary: "Small pox? That's awful, who's got it?"
Dennis: "Me."
Jack: "What?"
Mary: "Well Dennis, you look fine. What makes you think you've got small pox?"
Dennis: "Well, it must be me. My mother and father put a quarantine sign on our house and they haven't got it."
Jack: "Dennis, look. I've got news for you. There's no small pox in your house. Your parents are just trying to get rid of you."
Dennis: "Oh. Well, if they're trying to get rid of me, why don't they do it in the usual way?"
Mary: "Well, what's the usual way?"
Dennis: "Well, they start a game of Blind Man's Bluff, and while I'm it, they move."
Jack: "Look Dennis, you can't blame your parents for wanting to get away from you occasionally. You drive people nuts with your silly talk. Why do you act this way?"
Dennis: "Well, I have a good excuse. Once when my mother was bathing me, she dropped me on my head."
Mary: "When you were a baby?"
Dennis: "No, last week."
Jack: "You hadda ask him, Mary! I was going to leave it alone! You had to ask him!!"
JOKE: [15:30]
Jack: "Just because I was unlucky in New York, there's no reflection on my song. I mean, even if they didn't want to publish it, the public loves it."
Dennis: "I'm more popular than that song and I've got small pox."
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [17:45]
Rochester: "Boss, I haven't had a chance to tell you, but I'm sorry your song was turned down in New York."
Jack: "Well, I guess… wait a minute, Rochester. I haven't mentioned a word about it to you. How did you know my song was turned down?"
Rochester: "When you got off the train, you were crying."
Jack: "Well…"
Rochester: "I haven't seen you so upset since the Bank Holiday of 1933!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: The previous joke doesn't really need explanation, but for those who want it, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency_Banking_Act#Proposal_and_Implementation
HARRISISM (MALAPROPISM): (In Jack's dream, the announcer interviews Phil)
Announcer (Joseph Kearns): Oh, Maestro? Maestro, Harris."
Phil: "What is it, Clyde?"
Announcer: "Maestro, I understand that you are an associate of the composer we are honoring here tonight."
Phil: "Yeah, that's right. Everybody associated with him is here tonight. That is everybody except Dennis Day."
Announcer: "Oh? And tell me, Maestro, why isn't Mr. Day here?"
Phil: "He couldn't come. His house is guaranteed."
Jack: "That's quarantined!!"
JOKE: [22:30] (In Jack's dream)
Announcer: "And now, ascending the podium is the head of New York's largest musical publishing company, Mr. Martin Jones. Oh, wait a minute. Mr. Jones is acting peculiar. He's taken a revolver from his pocket. He's ascending the podium. He's holding the pistol to his head. He's about to say something."
Mel: "I'm killing myself because I turned down this wonderful song!"
[gunshot]
Mel: "Oooooh!"
[falling body]
Announcer: "Mr. Jones has descended the podium."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Between this and the Christmas Shopping episode, there should be some kind of limit on how many times Mel can kill himself per season.
WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON: This week's version of the song is the symphonic version that Jack hears in his dream. Since it's an instrumental, it's about the only time the song is ever played without the word "whence" being questioned. Additionally, Dennis sings the first line of the song about 15 minutes in. The only problem is that the song actually sounds good this way.
BOTTOM LINE: Slightly above average episode. A bit too reliant on running jokes. The symphony hall sequence is overly padded, and it's all a buildup to the only version of Jack's song that isn't funny. Still, there are some good lines here. We've discussed before the dichotomy between "The Show" (Jack's show that he does in studio), and "The Sitcom" (a sitcom about Jack's fictional private life in between episodes of "The Show"). Originally almost every episode was "The Show", but now most episodes are "The Sitcom". These sitcom episodes that take place in Jack's house feel a lot like "The Show". Jack and his supporting cast trade quips with each other just like they would do in the studio. The disadvantage is that in studio, they're all together to interact, while in Jack's home, they come one at a time, and then leave. A typical Home episode starts with Jack talking with Rochester for a bit. Mary arrives, and does a routine with him. Mary leaves, Phil arrives and does a routine. Phil leaves, Dennis arrives and does a routine, et cetera. In Jack's home, you rarely get the full cast together at once as you would do in the studio. The advantage of the Home episodes is that Rochester has a job in Jack's house, but doesn't have one in the studio, so he can participate without having to telephone Jack in mid-show.
24. 02/24/52 JACK TRIES TO BUY A CAR (29:33)
SITCOM: Rochester is cleaning house, and doing one of his monologues about how much work he does. Polly tells him to answer the door. It's the mailman with Jack's magazines, and Rochester's copy of the Wall Street Journal, which he subscribed to after buying two shares of Jack, Incorporated. The mailman has a postage due letter for Jack, handed down from his father, which Jack has never accepted. Today is no different.
Rochester shows Jack how he's taught Polly to answer questions. However, there are still a few bugs in the system. Jack goes through his mail, and finds a threat from Max Factor to repossess his toupee. He also finds a circular promising liberal trade-in allowances on new car purchases. Jack makes one of his periodic resolutions to trade in the Maxwell for a new car.
Dennis arrives and does his routine. Dennis sings "I'll Hear a Rhapsody" (the song he's going to do on the program, wink, wink). Phil calls from the Country Club, asking Jack to play golf with him (funnier than it sounds). Mary encourages Jack to go through with trading in the car, so she, Jack and Rochester all go to the dealer together. Jack settles on one called Just Plain Bill (Joseph Kearns). Jack looks at a new model that has automatic windows. It also has some more fancy (and more fictional) devices. However, it also costs $4,200 ($35,837.95 in 2012 dollars). Jack is interested, but wants to see what kind of trade-in value he can get on the Maxwell.
Elsewhere in the lot, Don is also looking at new cars. He has a cigarette painted on the door, along with the initials L.S.M.F.T. Unfortunately, Don isn't looking to buy a car, just a door. He has a whole collection of car doors at home (less funny than it sounds). Just Plain Bill returns with his appraisal book. If the new car is the "Gallant" part of the sketch, it's time for the "Goofus" portion now. Jack takes Bill on a drive around the block in his Maxwell, and discusses some of its features. Bill offers Jack a $3 trade-in. Insulted, Jack kicks Bill out of the car, and abandons the trade-in idea once again. Rochester suggests, that if Jack is going to keep the car, why not upgrade it with some of those new features Bill talked about. Especially that really fancy dynamometer thingy. But Jack insists he can empty his own ashtrays.
TAG: On the way home, Max Factor snatches the toupee off Jack's head, as threatened.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Will Wright
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin,
MINOR ROLES: Gloria Gordon, Del Sharbutt, Jane Turner
DON'S INTRO: "And now, let's go out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. At the moment, Rochester is cleaning house."
RUNNING JOKES: 1) All of Jack's cast do extra jobs in February to make up for it being the shortest month. Rochester works an extra three hours a day, Mary has to mow the lawn, Dennis sprays under the house for termites, Phil has to paint the house. 2) Max Factor is threatening to repossess Jack's toupee. 3) The Maxwell's radiator overflows every 15 minutes, and Jack uses the hot water to make tea.
TRADING IN THE MAXWELL: This episode is a story that has been remade numerous times over the years. Jack decides to trade in his Maxwell, goes to a dealer to check out new cars. There are a lot of Goofus and Gallant style comparisons between Jack's car and a real car, and in the end Jack decides not to part with it. At least usually he doesn't. The one exception to the rule came on 10/18/1942, when Jack gave the Maxwell to a wartime scrap drive, and had a bizarre dream in which he was bombing Tokyo in a bomber made out of the Maxwell's metal. For the next several years, Jack used a variety of offbeat modes of transportation, including a horse and buggy, and a taxi cab with a functioning meter. As late as 1946, Ronald Colman asked Jack about his Maxwell, and was told that it had been sold for scrap during the war. Then a year or so later, the Maxwell was back, with no explanation whatsoever. And we're back to doing stories about Jack almost getting rid of it. The reason this story gets remade so often is because the Maxwell is such a fertile source of humor. Of course, it never occurs to Jack to buy a second car, and keep the Maxwell.
Speaking of Maxwells, they were made between 1908 and 1925. The first time the year of Jack's Maxwell was mentioned, it was a 1920 model, but it fluctuated between 1920 and 1923 on future mentions. Wikipedia's entry on the Maxwell has a picture of Jack sitting behind the wheel of a 1908 model, but says that a 1916 model was the one Jack used in public appearances. If the Benny Show were being made today, Jack would surely drive an Edsel.
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: This particular "Trading in the Maxwell" episode is a direct remake of the 4/24/1949 episode. The two episodes are 90% similar, with a few jokes being updated or discarded. In the new version, Joseph Kearns replaces Jim Backus in the role of Just Plain Bill. A running joke about Jack using an ironing board as a runway to play a Beauty Contestant is discarded. The sequence where Don buys a car door rather than a car is new. The most interesting difference between the two versions is when Mary tries to deliver the "Dynamometer" line. In the original version, she mashes it up six ways to Sunday, and Jack ad libs "Mary, you mispronounced the word 'with'." Given Mary's reputation for flubbing lines, making her try to deliver such a complicated line was surely a joke in itself (Even if she gets it right, people will still laugh because they were expecting her to get it wrong). In this new version, Mary delivers the line more or less correctly, and Jack says "THAT she got right, but she 'moved' the lawn!" (referring to a flub on Mary's first line of the show).
JOKE: [4:45] (Jack checks the mail)
Jack: "What's in the mail, Rochester?"
Rochester: "Here's a letter from Max Factor."
Jack: "From Max Factor? What does it say?"
Rochester: "Dear Mr. Benny, this is the third letter we have sent you reminding you that your January payment is past due. Either pay immediately, or we'll snatch it off your head."
JOKE: [5:10] (Jack checks the mail)
Jack: "Let's see, what's this? Oh, this is from the California Bank. It's another letter about that loan."
Rochester: "What are you going to do, Boss?"
Jack: "I'm going to turn them down."
JOKE: [5:20] (Jack gets a letter from his barber)
Jack: "This is funny, here's one from the barber shop on the corner. 'Dear Mr. Benny, we are writing to all of our customers who got shaved last Saturday. Are you missing an ear? P.S. If not called for in 30 days, we will add it to our collection'."
FLUB: [6:20]
Mary: "Oh, hello Jack."
Jack: "Mary, come on in."
Mary: "Well, what job have you got picked out for me? Cleaning out the garage, or move… mowing the lawn?"
Jack: "You can't move the lawn, I know that!… The very first line, she just got here!!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Later, at about 13:45, at the end of his call, Phil promises to 'move' the lawn.
JOKE: [6:30]
Jack: "Say Mary, I just got this circular from an automobile company, and I've been thinking maybe I ought to trade in my car and buy another one."
Mary: "Well, it's about time. What are you going to get, an Essex or a Stutz?"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Essex made cars between 1918 and 1922, but the brand name was used by Hudson up to 1932. Stutz made cars between 1911 and 1935, with the most famous being the Stutz Bearcat. In the original version of this episode, a Chandler was mentioned in this line.
DENNIS'S ROUTINE: [7:45]
Jack: "Oh, hello Dennis."
Dennis: "Hello."
Jack: "Come on, kid."
Dennis: "Thanks. How do you feel, Mr. Benny?"
Jack: "Fine."
Dennis: "How have things been going?"
Jack: "All right."
Dennis: "You know, I wasn't going to come over today, but there's something I think you ought to know."
Jack: "What's that?"
Dennis: "I'm suing you for $50,000."
Jack: "What?"
Mary: "Er Dennis, what's this all about? Why are you suing Mr. Benny?"
Dennis: "Well, because last week on his radio show, where millions of people could hear, he called me Stupid."
Jack: "Well, Dennis, why are you suing me now? For years I've been calling you stupid."
Dennis: "Well, I want to be addressed with dignity. My name is Dennis S. Day."
Jack: "What does the S stand for?"
Dennis: "If I told you, I'd lose my case."
Jack: "I thought so."
Dennis: "Well anyway, after I collect the $50,000 from you, I'm suing somebody else who called me Stupid."
Jack: "Who's that?"
Dennis: "My lawyer."
Jack: "Look Dennis, I don't want to hear any more of this silly talk about suing people. Instead of that, let me hear the song you're going to sing on Sunday's program."
Dennis: "Okay."
Jack: "What's the name of it?"
Dennis: "Sweet Sue."
Jack: "Now, cut that out!"
JOKE: [12:00]
Jack: "Hello?"
Phil: "Hiya, Jackson. I'm calling from the country club and I thought maybe you'd come out and play some golf."
Jack: "Well, I don't think I can today, Phil. You see, I'm going out and buy a new car."
[clicking sound]
Phil: "Operator! Operator! You gave me the wrong number."
Jack: "She did not, it's me! It's me, I am going to buy a car."
Phil: "Oh, oh. What kind of car are you going to get, Jackson?"
Jack: "Well, I don't know, I was thinking of getting a Cadillac."
[clicking sound]
Phil: "Operator, Operator!"
Jack: "You've got the right number! I told you, it's me. You asked me if I wanted to play golf, I told you I couldn't. Why don't you call Remley?"
Phil: "I called Remley, he's here right now."
Jack: "Oh, Frankie's with you, eh?"
Phil: "Yeah, he's sitting over at the table, drinking a glass of milk."
[clicking sound]
Jack: "Operator! Operator!"
JOKE: [14:30]
Mary: "Uh Jack, what kind of a car do you think you'll get?"
Jack: "Well, I'm not sure. All of the new models look so nice and they have so many novel features. You know, Mary, maybe I ought to get a Nash. I like the way the seats make up into beds."
Mary: "Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!"
Jack: "What are you laughing at?"
Mary: "You'll have the only car in the country that takes in borders."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: [14:30] The Nash is the only 1950's era car that is actually named in the episode. Even the Hudson, the car you step down into doesn't get a mention this time. This is the first time in some time that we've seen a "What are you laughing at, Mary?" joke.
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [16:20]
Martha: "Say Emily? Emily? Isn't that Jack Benny there?"
Emily: "Where?"
Martha: "Over there, in that Stanley Steamer."
Emily: "Martha, that isn't a Stanley Steamer, it's a Maxwell that's blown its top."
Martha: "That is my dream man. Steady girl. Steady."
Emily: "You really have a crush on him, haven't you?"
Martha: "Yes. Did you see him on his last television show?"
Emily: "Uh huh."
Martha: "When he choked Barbara Stanwyck, how I wished it had been me."
Emily: "You know, Martha, he does his next television show two weeks from today."
Martha: "In two weeks? Now I'm sorry you told me. I'll be a nervous wreck waiting."
Emily: "I know, I know."
Martha: "But Emily. I've got a confession to make. This month I sent Mr. Benny a Valentine poem."
Emily: "Did he get it?"
Martha: "He must have. I put it in my laundry bundle."
Emily: "In your laundry bundle? I'll bet he didn't even answer it."
Martha: "He did too. He wrote 'Your lovely poem made me shake and shiver. And starting March 1st, we pick up and deliver'."
Emily: "That was very sweet. Well, come on, Martha, or we'll be late for the wrestling matches."
Martha: "Oh, yes."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Jack choked Barbara Stanwyck? Wonder what that was about? Martha and Emily are two rarely appearing characters that we haven't discussed before. The joke is simply that the geriatric set is the only group of women that are truly turned on by Jack.
JOKE: [17:30] (In the car)
Mary: "Uh, Jack. This street we're coming to is Figueroa. That's Automobile Row."
Jack: "Yeah. Turn right here, Rochester."
Rochester: "Yes, sir."
[squealing sound]
Jack: "Gosh, look at all the automobile dealers on this street. The Smiling Irishman, The Lucky Dutchman. Madman Muntz. Psychiatric Sam. Wild Man Prichard. Ah, here's the place we want. Just Plain Bill. Stop in front of this place, Rochester."
[car comes to a stop]
Jack: "Come on, Mary, I'm going to look at the new cars first."
Mary: "Okay."
[door opens]
Mary: "Gosh Jack, they certainly have some beautiful cars on display here."
Jack: "Yes."
Bill (Joseph Kearns): "How do you do? May I help you?"
Jack: "Yes, I'm thinking of buying a new car."
Bill: "Well, you've come to the right place. Were you thinking of any particular type?"
Jack: "Well, this car here looks awfully nice."
Mary: "Yes Jack, it's really a sporty looking number."
Bill: "Get inside and see how roomy it is."
Jack: "Okay. Gee, it sure is comfortable, isn't it. Say, what are these buttons here?"
Bill: "Oh, those are for the windows. I'll show you how they work."
[rolling sound]
Jack: "Gee!"
Bill: "Didn't you know the new cars had automatic window lifts?"
Mary: "He didn't even know they had windows."
Jack: "Mary, please. What other new features do they have?"
Bill: "I'm glad you asked that."
Jack: "Uh huh."
Bill: "Now, this is the only car on the market that comes equipped with a Dynaflex Super-Flowing Unijet Turbo Vasculator. Which is synchro-meshed with a Multi-Coil Hydro-Tension Duo-Vacuum Dynamometer."
Jack: "Gosh! What does that do for the car?"
Bill: "It empties the ashtray."
Jack: "Well! That's quite a feature. Do you think I ought to get this car, Mary?"
Mary: "Oh, certainly. I wouldn't think of having a car that's not equipped with a Dynaflex Super-flowing Unijet Turbo Vasculator which is synchro-meshed with a Multi-Coil Hydro Tension Duo-Vacuum Dynamometer."
[big laugh, just because the fluff-prone Mary got the line more or less right.]
Jack: "THAT she got right, but she 'moved' the lawn!! You know, the more I see of this car, the more I like it. But tell me, Mr.… Mr.…"
Bill: "Call me Plain Bill."
Jack: "Well, look. Plain Bill, what are all these other buttons for?"
Bill: "Well, they're for the heater, the lights and the top."
Jack: "Uh huh. But what's this red button for?"
Bill: "Oh! That red button is for emergencies."
Jack: "Emergencies?"
Bill: "Yes. Like, if you stall the car on the railroad tracks, and a train is coming at a hundred miles an hour, you press the red button."
Jack: "And that gets the car off the tracks?"
Bill: "No, it puts a tag on your big toe."
Jack: "Hmmm."
Mary: "You know… you know, Jack, this is one of the prettiest convertibles I've ever seen. Why don't you take it?"
Jack: "I think I will, Mary. Tell me, Plain Bill, what's the… what's the price on this car?"
Bill: "$4,200."
[silence]
Mary: "Uh, say Mr. Do the windshield wipers on this car squirt water when you press the button?"
Bill: "Yes."
Mary: "Well, squirt some on him, he fainted."
Jack: "I didn't faint, Mary, it's just that $4,200 is a lot of money."
Bill: "Oh, but don't forget we do make liberal allowances on trade-ins."
Jack: "Well, my car is right outside. Suppose you come along with us and appraise it?"
Bill: "Oh, I'll be happy to. If you'll pardon me for just a moment, I'll go and get my appraisal book."
NOTE: Madman Muntz was a real used car dealer, often mentioned in radio shows of that time. Mel Blanc even "played" him in a verse of "Be Happy Go Lucky", in the 10/1/1950 episode. Muntz seems to have been the Crazy Eddie Before Crazy Eddie. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madman_Muntz
JOSEPH KEARNS: Joseph Kearns (aka Good Old Mr. Wilson on Dennis the Menace) doesn't have a regular character. But his one-shot characters are starting to develop a kind of cohesion to them. Kearns often plays sales people. But while Frank Nelson's sales people overflow with unctuousness, and exist to give Jack a hard time, Kearns' are a little different. Kearns' sales people always come off as very polished, very refined, sophisticated straight men at first glance. As they deal with Jack, they often start to lose patience with him slowly, and finally blow up at him in the end. The fact that these blowups go counter to the characters he'd established earlier in the scene is what makes them funny, as it appears to be something that he's been driven to. Compare Kearns' very slow boil in this episode with his Music Publisher character on 10/14/51. On the other hand, some of Kearns' characters, like Ed and the Income Tax Man from last season, never blow up at all, so the audience is kept guessing.
NOTE: In the original version of this episode, the red button made a reservation for you at Forest Lawn. Someone (rightly) decided that that wasn't funny enough, and improved the joke for this version.
JOKE: [24:20]
Bill: "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. Shall we go?"
Jack: "Yes, Plain Bill."
[door sound]
Bill: "Now. Which one of these cars is yours?"
Jack: "This is it, right here."
Bill: "Oh. You're joking!"
Jack: "I'll admit it doesn't look like much right now. But a little paint and polish and she'll be as good as new."
Rochester: "What did you get, Boss? A convertible or a sedan?"
Jack: "Well, nothing yet. This gentleman's going to appraise ours. Now, Plain Bill, my car has a lot of advantages that the new cars haven't got."
Rochester: "Yeah, if you like tea, it boils water every 15 minutes."
Jack: "Oh, stop. This man is a good judge of cars. Now, Plain Bill, get in and I'll show you how it runs. Come on, Mary. Start the car, Rochester."
[The Maxwell, coughs, gasps and wheezes, but doesn't start.]
Jack: "Gee, the motor seems to be laboring a little harder than usual."
Mary: "Jack, it's February."
Jack: "Oh yes. Try it again, Rochester."
[The car sputters and starts]
Jack: "Ah, there it goes."
Rochester: "You want me to drive it around the block, Boss?"
Bill: "Uh, just a second. If I'm going to appraise this car, I'd better drive."
Rochester: "No, I'll drive. You shovel the coal."
Jack: "Never mind. You better let him drive, Plain. He's more used to it."
Bill: "Well uh, it is irregular, but okay."
[engine sounds]
Jack: "See, I told you, it rides very smoothly, doesn't it?"
Bill: "Oh, not bad."
Jack: "Now, Plain Bill. How much of a trade-in do you think you can give me on my car?"
Bill: "Well, let me see. There's a little rubber left on the tires. The body needs a paint job, the upholstery isn't too bad, the motor runs. Uh look, will the deal include the car's radio?"
Jack: "Yes, yes. Now, how much will you allow me on the car, including the radio?"
Bill: "Three dollars."
Jack: "WHAT!?? I wouldn't think of trading in this car for three dollars. It's perfect, mechanically. They don't make cars like this today! Everything's built to last for years, and give you the most excellent service, and…"
[popping sound, and gushing water]
Mary: "Oh, Plain Bill?"
Bill: "Yes?"
Mary: "Lemon or cream?"
Jack: "Lemon in mine, Mary. Now Bill, all kidding aside, how much will you allow me on my car?"
Bill: "I told you, three dollars, and that's all I'm going to give you for this piece of junk!"
Jack: "Junk?? That settles it! Rochester, stop the car!"
[brakes]
Jack: "Plain Bill, I'll thank you to get out!"
Bill: "It will be a pleasure. Goodbye."
Jack: "Rochester, take me home."
Rochester: "You know Boss, if you're not going to get a new car, why don't you have this one fixed up? Put some of those modern things on it."
Jack: "Like what?"
Rochester: "Like the Dynaflex Super-Flowing Unijet… uh, Turbo-Vasculator which is synchro-meshed with the multi-coil hydro-tension dual-vacuum dynamometer."
Jack: "No, then I'd just have to go out and buy an ashtray. Step on it, Rochester, I want to get home!"
MAXWELL SOUND: Mel does his wheezy, gaspy Maxwell sound at 24:00. Generally speaking, the Maxwell has two engine sounds. There's the outrageous one Mel does that sounds like the car is having a heart attack. And there's a subdued coffee grinder-like sound that you usually hear when the car is in motion. The Maxwell's horn sounds like a rubber bulb bicycle horn.
BOTTOM LINE: A top notch episode. The scene in Jack's home is very good, and the scene at the used car lot is better. Amazingly, no matter how many times they do this "Trade in the Maxwell" story, they always manage to do something fresh with it. The Dynamometer joke is a classic. The kind that makes you want to write notes like these in case you ever want to hear that Dynamometer joke again and want to be able to find it.
25. 03/02/52 GUEST SHOW (25:03)
THE SHOW: The episode is broadcasting from Palm Springs again. Jack and Don discuss the local amenities. Jack complains about losing a round of golf to Eddie Cantor, who distracted him by using a dime to mark his ball. Phil arrives. He and Jack discuss Tamarisk, the new Palm Springs golf club and set up a match together. Phil recites a poem about the weather in Palm Springs.
Dennis arrives, and talks about getting into a drive-in without a car by disguising himself as a convertible. Dennis sings "The Date Boats are Coming" (a Palm Springs version of "The Shrimp Boats are Coming"). Actually, nothing is altered except the title. By the time he sings it, it's become "Mistake".
Jack slams the band, leading to another argument with Phil over the boys. Mr. Kitzel drops in to say hello. He's staying at the Hacienda Paseo del Sal, named after several of his relatives (less funny than it sounds). An operator has a collect call from Rochester. Rochester had a flat, and Jack wants him there by morning to caddy for him. Rochester compares his work load to that of a burro, and describes times he's literally had to fulfill that role. Jack starts to announce a Tamarisk Play, but Don says one of Jack's friends is waiting to come on and say a few words. The friend turns out to be Danny Kaye. Danny announces that he and some of the boys have decided to form a quartet, and sing Jack's song, "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon, Then I'll Come Back to You." Danny announces the other members of the quartet as Frank Sinatra, George Burns, and Groucho Marx, all of whom come out.
Sinatra complains about the suntan oil Jack sold him, while George is raring to go, and starts singing early. The act gets its act together, and they actually sing "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon". They succeed in being camp before camp was cool.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: Mary Livingstone
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: George Burns, Danny Kaye, Groucho Marx, Frank Sinatra
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Artie Auerbach, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin,
MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO:
Don: "Ladies and Gentlemen, once again we're broadcasting from Palm Springs, California. This being such a romantic spot, I'd like to make the opening introduction with a little poem."
Jack: "A poem?"
Don: "Nestled in the hills, far away from care, is a place we go to breathe the desert air. And there, out by the pool, far from strife and toil, is our blue-eyed star, selling suntan oil. And here he is, Jack Benny!!"
JOKE: [1:00]
Jack: "Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, since we're in a poetic mood, I've written a poem for you too."
Don: "Oh, you have?"
Jack: "Yes. I did not like your jingle, and if one more joke you tell, it's bon voyage, don Wilson, and welcome home Von Zell. Let's not have any more of your poems, eh Henry Wadsworth Fatfellow?"
NOTE: It's been a long running joke on the show, but whenever Jack threatens to fire Don, he always threatens to replace him with Harry Von Zell, nobody else. It's unclear if there's a reason for this, or if they just thought it was the funniest name to use. At various times Von Zell worked for Fred Allen, Eddie Cantor and George Burns. Von Zell did actually announce one episode of the Benny Show (3/27/38), where his best joke involved him completely mashing up the Jell-O commercial due to his unfamiliarity with the product (and THIS is the guy Jack wants back??)
NOTE: The existing copy of this is another edited for later re-broadcast episode, with the Lucky Strike references removed.
JOKE:
Jack: "Anyway Don I'm glad you mentioned golf because today's program is dedicated to the formal opening of the new Tamarisk Country club here in Palm Springs. And it's really one of the most…"
Phil: "Pardon me, but does this dull twosome mind if a funny man plays through?"
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [3:10] Jack addresses Phil as "Sir Thomas Beauchamp". No idea why.
JOKE: [3:15]
Jack: "Say Phil, Don and I were just talking about Tamarisk, the beautiful new golf course. Since you're such a good golfer, Phil, you'll love it."
Phil: "Yeah, I know, Jackson, I played out there in the tournament yesterday. It is, it's a great course."
Jack: "I thought I saw you out there yesterday, Phil. You were playing with some of your musicians, weren't you?"
Phil: "No."
Jack: "But I saw Remley, Sammy and Fletcher going around the course with you."
Phil: "Yeah, but they weren't playing. Remley was carrying my bag.
Jack: "What was Sammy doing?"
Phil: "He was carrying Remley."
Jack: "Well, what was Fletcher doing?"
Phil: "He was carrying the stuff that made it necessary for Sammy to carry Remley."
Jack: "Oh, yes. Remley is your handicap."
Phil: "He ain't no water hazard!"
THROW ME THAT LINE AGAIN/HARRISISM (BRAGADOCCIO):
Phil: "Hey Jackson, how about you and me playing out at Tamarisk some day?"
Jack: "Okay Phil, maybe we can make a match."
Phil: "Yeah, what do you usually go around in?"
Jack: "Well, my handicap is… hey, wait a minute! Don! Hey, Don. Watch me get him this time. Phil, ask me that again, willya?"
Phil: "Ask you what again?"
Jack: "What do you usually go around in?"
Phil: "Shorts or slacks, depending on the weather. Oh, Harris! Sammy may be carrying Remley, but you're carrying this program!"
JOKE: [6:15]
Jack: "Are you having a good time?"
Dennis: "Oh, I'll say. Friday night I went to the Chi-Chi and saw Sally Rand. I never laughed so hard in all my life."
Jack: "You know Don, the weather here has been so beautiful today, I think…"
Phil: "Wait a minute, hold it. Go back here a minute. Didn't you listen to what this kid just said?"
Jack: "I listened to it, heard it and ignored it."
Phil: "Well, I ain't going to ignore it. Dennis, you went to the Chi-Chi and saw Sally Rand's act?"
Dennis: "Uh huh."
Phil: "THE Sally Rand?"
Dennis: "Uh huh."
Phil: "And when you finally saw Sally Rand's act, you laughed?"
Dennis: "Yeah, I was sitting up so close those fans tickled."
Jack: "Don't look to me for sympathy, Phil."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Almost qualifies as forgotten humor, but it's obvious from context that Sally Rand is a burlesque dancer. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sally_Rand
NAMES FOR THE BAND: Phil Harris and His Stumbling Tumbleweed Orchestra.
JOKE: [10:30]
Phil: "I mean look, I don't mind so much when we're at home, but when we're out of town, let's not be making insulting remarks about the orchestra, huh?"
Jack: "Well Phil, I've got a right to make comments about your band. I mean, who's the star of this show?"
Phil: "Well, when I see my paycheck, I know it ain't me!"
Jack: "Oh, stop complaining."
Phil: "I'm not complaining, Jackson, it's just that I'd like to pay income tax like everybody else!"
Jack: "What?"
Phil: "They don't even think I'm a citizen!"
Phil. Phil, the only reason people don't think you're a citizen is because with that bottle of Lord Calvert in your hand all the time, you look like an Englishman. (pause) Such a long line for such a little laugh??"
JOKE: [12:30]
Jack: "Tell me Mr. Kitzel, is your wife here with you?"
Kitzel: "Yes, and are we having fun! We go swimming, we play tennis, and this morning my wife rented a bicycle built for two."
Jack: "Oh, and you both went for a ride, huh?"
Kitzel: "No, just her."
Jack: "Then why did she get a bicycle built for two?"
Kitzel: "Believe me, she can use it."
Jack: "Mr. Kitzel, you mean your wife is on the heavy side?"
Kitzel: "If it was only on the side, I wouldn't mind it."
JOKE:
Operator: "Mr. Benny will not accept the charges until he knows who's calling."
Rochester: "Tell him it's Lana Turner."
Jack: "Rochester! Rochester, I thought you'd be down here by now. Where are you calling from?"
Rochester: "Pomona."
Jack: "Pomona? What did you stop there for?"
Rochester: "I got a flat tire."
Jack: "Oh, that's too bad."
Rochester: "No, that's good. It was laying in the road and it's better than the one we had on."
Jack: "Oh."
Rochester: "If I find three more, I'll be there by morning."
NOTE: The operator is played again by Jeanette Eymann, the script girl, who has played operators several times this season, and was introduced in the Call Out the Cast finale episode last season.
NOTE: The president of Tamarisk is named Mr. Anderson. Ben Hogan is the pro.
JOKE: [16:30]
Danny Kaye: "Now Jack. The reason I'm here is… well because… every time you come to Palm Springs, you always do an informal show. Is that right?"
Jack: "That's right."
Danny: "Well, some of the boys at the club cooked up an idea that I'm sure you're going to like."
Jack: "What is it?"
Danny: "Well, we decided to form a quartet and sing the song you wrote."
Jack: "My song?"
Danny: "Hmm hmm."
Jack: "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon Then I'll Come Back To You!"
Danny: "Suddenly I'm sick."
JOKE: [17:30]
Jack: "Well, George, Frankie and Groucho! Hello, fellas."
George: "Hello."
Frank: "Hello."
Groucho: "'Hello'. There's brilliant dialogue."
JOKE: [18:20] (Groucho warms up for the song)
Groucho: "I-I-I-I-I"
Jack: "Groucho, that's Me-me-me-me-me."
Groucho: "I may sing lousy, but I'm grammatically correct."
JOKE: [18:45]
Danny: "All right fellas, let's take it."
Sinatra: "What key are we going to sing it in, Danny?"
Groucho: "It would help if we all take different ones."
WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON: As mentioned, this week's version of the song is a quartet version, sung by Danny Kaye, George Burns, Frank Sinatra, and Groucho Marx.
GROUCHO: Groucho appeared on Jack's show once before (2/20/44). Their sketch, in which he and Jack played checkers while Rocheter tried to sing hints to Jack is quite probably The Grape Nuts Show's funniest moment.
NOTE: Although the .mp3 lasts over 25 minutes, the episode itself cuts out right after the song, at about 21:30. The remainder is "Philled" with a recording of Phil singing "Pappy Had a Jug".
BOTTOM LINE: A fairly loose and informal episode. Abbreviated by the inclusion of two songs, and shortened further for re-broadcast, but notable just for the presence of the four guest stars. None of them do very much, but their rendition of the song is one of the better ones of the season. Not a great episode, but not bad, and definitely memorable.
26. 03/09/52 JACK'S FOURTH TV SHOW OF THE SEASON (25:54)
SITCOM: Rochester is looking for Jack's cuff links, while Jack gets dressed for his TV show. The phone rings, and Jack calls down to Mary to answer it. It's Phil, calling to discuss proposed changes to his band. Such as moving the piano player closer to the piano. Rochester announces that Don is at the back door. He's still upset about his flub on the last show 6 weeks ago.
Dennis drops by asking who's guesting on Jack's TV show, and boast about having two shows again. Dennis sings "Clancy Lowers the Boom". When Dennis leaves, Jack decides to take a nap before the TV show. Mary stays behind in the library to read a book. Mary goes through the books in the library and settles on one called "My Career as a Hospital Nurse" to read.
PLAY: Mary is Nurse Aura Micin, working for Doctor Harris, whose Won-Loss record with his patients isn't very good. She's working the Admittance Desk, when James James (Jack) comes in for his appointment with Dr. Heinrich von Shmearcase. Mary fills out his admittance forms and sends him in. After a quick run-in with the Idunno Guy, Jack finds Dr. Von Shmearcase (Dennis), who decides to operate on Jack tomorrow morning. He calls in Mary to have Phil prepare Jack. Next morning, Dr. Von Shmearcase is late, and Jack is getting nervous. The doctor arrives and the operation commences, but is televised. The operation is a success, and Mary sits by him until he wakes. The real Jack wakes at that moment, and Mary realizes that she let him sleep too long. With only a minute until Jack's television show starts, they make it on time through the miracle of sound effects.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS:
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt, Blanche Stewart
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to take you to… out to Jack's house. He is just finishing dressing."
NOTE: Another edited-for-rebroadcast episode.
JOKE: [0:30]
Jack: "Get me my shirt, Rochester."
Rochester: "Yes sir. Do you want that solid gold cuff link you got from Mr. Ronald Colman last Christmas?"
Jack: "Wait a minute, Rochester. Mr. Colman only gave me one cuff link?"
Rochester: "He didn't give it to you, he swung at you and it fell out of his shirt."
Jack: "Oh, yes. If Benita hadn't grabbed him, I'd have had 'em both."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Isn't it odd that Ronnie can't so much as say No to Jack onscreen, but can actually take a swing at him when the mike is off?
THE ACME PLAZA: [1:30]
Rochester: "What's this?"
Jack: "Let me see that. Oh, for heaven's sake. I forgot to return it when I left New York. It's the key to my room at the Acme Plaza. I don't know why they gave me a key, my room didn't have a door on it. No wonder they call it New York's friendliest hotel."
JOKE: [2:15] (Phil calls)
Mary: "Hello?
Phil: "Well, I was expecting the shrimp boat and I got the dream boat!
Mary: "Is that you, Phil?"
Phil: "This ain't no phone call for Stranger. Hey, by the way, Livvy, Alice and me had a couple of people by the house Friday night and we called you, but you were out."
Mary: "I know, Jack took me to the movies."
Phil: "Jackson took you to the movies??"
Mary: "Uh huh."
Phil: "Passes, Dutch, or do we have an item for Ripley?"
Mary: "No, no, Phil, he really took me. Do you want to talk to Jack?"
Phil: "Yeah, yeah."
Mary: "Well, here he comes now."
Jack: "Who is it, Mary?"
Mary: "Remley's straight man."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: It comes out a few minutes later that Jack took Mary to the movies only because he found a $5 bill.
JOKE: [3:00]
Jack: "Hello, Phil."
Phil: "Hiya Jackson. How are you feeling?"
Jack: "Well, I'm all right, Phil. I guess I'm a little nervous about my television show tonight."
Phil: "Well, why don't you do what I do to calm down?"
Jack: "What's that?"
Phil: "I have two of my musicians go around with me and every time I feel a little nervous, one of them gives me a drink of Bourbon."
Jack: "Oh. What's the other guy for?"
Phil: "He's there to make me nervous!"
NAMES FOR DON: Little Fat Cloud That Cried.
JOKE: [6:45]
Dennis: "I just came over to wish you luck on your TV show."
Jack: "Well, thanks kid."
Dennis: "Are you going to have any guest stars?"
Jack: "Yes, I'm going to have Burns & Allen."
Dennis: "Say, that ought to be funny. He's my favorite comedian."
Jack: "George Burns?"
Dennis: "No, Fred Allen."
JOKE: [7:15]
Jack: "Dennis, let me ask you something. What's come over you lately?"
Dennis: "Why, what do you mean?"
Jack: "Well, for a couple of years, up to last June, you were acting pretty fresh. Since then you've been nice and polite. Just lately, you've started acting smart-alecy again. What happened?"
Dennis: "I've got two shows again."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: This was a major running gag a few years back, with Dennis constantly holding over everyone's head the fact that he had two shows, or asking people "How many shows do you have?" "One." "HA!" His other show was "A Day in the Life of Dennis Day", which ran from 1946-1951. The new show he refers to here is a television series called "The Dennis Day Show", which ran from 1952-1954.
JOKE: [10:15]
Jack: "Mary, sometimes that kid drives me nuts."
Mary: "Jack, don't pay any attention to him."
Jack: "Lookit, how can I help it? Last Monday I was awakened out of a sound sleep by the telephone. It was Dennis. He wanted to know what time it was. I said it's 4 o'clock in the morning. He said 'well this is no time to call anybody', and hung up."
JOKE: [11:00] (Reading a book somehow turns into a play. Usually it's Jack who does this)
Mary: "Gee, Jack is certainly on edge today. Maybe the nap will do him good. Let's see, what book can I read? Oh, here's one. How to Make Money Raising Soybeans. Oh, here's another one. How to Make Money Selling Homemade Blintzes. Here's another one. How to Make Money Trapping Lizards. Hmm, what's this? How to Spend Money and Enjoy It. I bet that little gem never saw the light of day."
JOKE: [13:00] (In the play, Phil plays against type)
Phil: "And by the way, Aura, would you mind if we postponed our date for the movies until tomorrow?"
Mary: "Not at all, but why?"
Phil: "Well, I'm terribly tired. I was up all night in the Emergency Ward treating a bunch of drunks."
Mary: "Really?"
Phil: "Yes. Oh, why must people drink like that??"
JOKE: [15:30]
Mary: "I'll have to fill out this admittance card. Your name?"
Jack: "My name is James."
Mary: "What's your last name?"
Jack: "James. My name is James James."
Mary: "Er, where were you born?"
Jack: "Pango Pango."
Mary: "Where do you live now?"
Jack: "Walla Walla."
Mary: "What disease do you have?"
Jack: "Beri Beri."
Mary: "And what is your occupation?"
Jack: "I'm an announcer on 'Double or Nothing'."
JACK'S EYES: [16:00] (Jack is answering questions to be admitted to the hospital)
Mary: "Color of eyes? Oh, they're blue, aren't they?"
Jack: "Bluer than the thumb of an Eskimo hitchhiker."
JOKE: [18:30]
Jack: "Excuse me. I'm Mr. James. And I have Beri Beri. Please tell me. Please. Please. What should I do?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "Will you have to operate?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "Will I live?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "You don't know anything. What kind of doctor are you?"
Idunno Guy: "I ain't no doctor."
Jack: "Then what are you doing wearing those rubber gloves?"
Idunno Guy: "I don't want to leave no fingerprints, I'm robbing the joint."
HARRISISM (BRAGADOCCIO): [19:30] (Dennis does his first Harrisism)
Dennis: "I'm afraid we will have to operate."
Jack: "Operate? What are you going to take out?"
Dennis: "Oh, don't worry, we'll think of something. We will operate early tomorrow morning at 5 a.m."
Jack: "Why so early?"
Dennis: "Incision Before Dawn. Oh, Doctor Von Shmearcase, you may not be a chiropodist, but you sure get corny!"
JOKE: [20:30] (The operation begins)
Phil: "Oh nurse, hand me the anesthetic."
Mary: "Anesthetic."
Phil: "Cotton."
Mary: "Cotton."
Phil: "Sponge."
Mary: "Alcohol."
Phil: "Chaser."
Mary: "Chaser."
JOKE: [21:00]
Dennis: "Now will the operation commence. Nurse, hold the ether to his nose.
Mary: "I'm sorry, we have no ether.
Dennis: "Well, tighten his necktie."
Mary: "Yes, sir.
Dennis: "That's enough. He's starting to look like Eddie Cantor."
JOKE: [22:15]
Mel: "Doctor Smith. Come to the office and bring your bag.
Doctor McDermott. Come to the office and bring your bag.
Doctor Wagner. Come to the office and bring your bag. Train leaving on Track 5 for Anaheim, Azusa and Cuc… amonga."
JOKE: [23:00]
Jack: "Ladies and gentlemen, in about one minute from now, I will be doing my 4th television show of the season. I am happy to say that on tonight's TV program, I'm having as my guests, George Burns and Gracie Allen. In the profession, this is what we call a Reciprocal Agreement. You see, they come on my program this week, and all next month I do their laundry."
BOTTOM LINE: An okay filler episode. The play is just a bunch of corny medical jokes strung together, along with a few old standbys, like the Idunno Guy and Mel's train announcements thrown in. The first part of the episode is decent, if completely unremarkable, with the usual setup where Jack is at home and does scenes with all of his cast, one by one.
27. 03/16/52 TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT IN A STEAM CABINET (23:08)
SITCOM: Jack is in a steam cabinet trying to lose weight for TV. Mary calls, inviting Jack to a party on Wednesday. Rochester gets the mail, and brings in a copy of Look magazine with the two of them on the cover. Dennis arrives, sounding even more Irish than usual, in anticipation of St. Patrick's Day. Mary calls again, looking for Dennis, to invite him to her party. Dennis does his routine for Mary for a change. Dennis sings "How Are Things In Glocca Mora?. Jack is ready to eat lunch, but his new diet is rather strict. Phil arrives, looking glum, as his doctor has just diagnosed him as allergic to alcohol.
Mary calls again, looking for Phil, and invites him to the party, but he insists on bring along a designated back scratcher for his allergy. Later, Jack happens to look out the window, and sees two men approaching the house. It turns out to be the two IRS agents from last year, but now re-named after the actors that play them. They're not here about this year's return, they're back to talk to Jack one more time about last year's return. They suggest to him that Jack can deduct part of Rochester's pay, since he works on the radio show, and also deduct the upkeep on his violin, if he earns money from it. Jack doesn't know how much he spends on his violin, as Professor La Blanc takes care of all that. The Tax Men decide to pay him a visit.
Kearns and Wright arrive at Professor La Blanc's house. La Blanc is anxious to help them put Jack in the slammer, but disappointed that they're just there to see how much he spends on his violin. La Blanc doesn't know, as the costs of the lesson cover all expenses as well. It turns out that Jack pays La Blanc the same way he pays Rochester.
As they leave, we learn that the reason Kearns and Collins are going to all this trouble to help Jack is that they like his eyes (the heck??)
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS:
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt, Will Wright
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, since Jack has been in television, he wants to keep his weight down. At the moment he's at his home in Beverly Hills, in a steam cabinet, trying to reduce."
JOKE: [1:00] (Jack is in the steam cabinet)
Jack: "How long have I been in here?"
Rochester: "About 10 minutes. I hope you're not taking too much."
Jack: "Well, what do the instructions say?"
Rochester: "Let's see, I'll read 'em. Men up to 20 years stay in cabinet not more than a half hour."
Jack: "A hour hour, huh?"
Rochester: "Men up to 25 years, no more than 20 minutes."
Jack: "20 minutes?"
Rochester: "Men up to 30 years of age, no more than 15 minutes."
Jack: "15, huh?"
Rochester: "Men up to… Mmm mmm mmm."
Jack: "What are you mmm mmming about?"
Rochester: "According to this chart, I should have just dipped you in like a teabag!"
JOKE: [1:45]
Jack: "Gee, it's awful hot in this cabinet. I think I'll get out."
Rochester: "I better not open it for a couple of minutes."
Jack: "Why, haven't I had enough?"
Rochester: "Yeah, but the potatoes aren't done yet."
Jack: "Oh, darnit."
Rochester: "Don't blame me, Boss, it was your own idea. As long as we had the heat, you didn't want to waste it."
Jack: "Well…"
Rochester: "What a time I had talking you out of holding that leg of lamb on your lap."
JOKE: [2:10] (Mary invites Jack to a party)
Jack: "Who else are you having?"
Mary: "Well, I'm going to ask the whole cast of our show. Your producer, your writers, and also…"
Mary: "My writers?"
Mary: "Yes, I thought you might like to have them there."
Mary: "Why?"
Mary: "You want to be the life of the party, don't you?"
FLUB: [3:00]
Jack: "Where were you?"
Rochester: "I heard the postman so I went to get the mail."
Jack: "Oh. What came?"
Rochester: "Just some bills, circulars and your copy of Look magazine."
Jack: "Oh, let me see it. Hey, Rochester! Rochester, there's a picture of you and me on the cover!"
Rochester: "On the cover of Look?? Let me see it, Boss. Yeah! Hee, hee, hee."
Jack: "What are you laughing at?"
Rochester: "I bet I'm the only man in the world who ever had his picture on the cover of a magazine and couldn't afford to buy it."
Jack: "Oh, you do all right."
Rochester: "I don't know, I just bought a toothbrush on the intall… on the installment plan."
Jack: "'Intallment', what would that mean?"
JOKE: [3:45] (Dennis arrives, overly brogued)
Jack: "And look, kid tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. Aren't you a little early with your brogue?"
Jack: "No, I'm practicing. I'll have to talk like this all day tomorrow."
Jack: "You HAVE to talk like that all day?"
Jack: "Yeah, if you don't, they rip off your shamrock, take a shillelagh, and break all your Morton Downey records."
Jack: "Oh. Well, you know, Dennis, I've always thought St. Patrick's Day comes at the wrong time of the year."
Jack: "Oh yeah? What do you mean?
Jack: "Well, how can March 17th be dedicated to the wearing of the green when only two days before, the government takes it all away from you?"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: In those days, Tax Day was March 15, rather than April 15.
CONTINUITY ALERT: Dennis gives his full name as Dennis Patrick Aloysius Jeremiah McNuggio Day.
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [5:30]
Dennis: "Hello, Mary."
Mary: "Hello, Dennis. Listen, I'm having a party on Wednesday night. Would you like to come?"
Dennis: "On Wednesday?"
Mary: "Yes."
Dennis: "Do you mind if I bring my neighbor, Hedy Lamarr?"
Mary: "Your neighbor, Hedy Lamarr?"
Dennis: "Yeah."
Mary: "Dennis, I happen to know Hedy Lamarr lives in Benedict Canyon and you live in Westwood."
Dennis: "Oh yeah? Hedy Lamarr's house is right next to mine."
Mary: "Since when?"
Dennis: "Ever since the rain."
Mary: "All right, Dennis, bring anyone who floats by."
Dennis: "Gee, thanks Mary. Goodbye."
Mary: "Goodbye."
[hangs up]
Dennis: "Hey, Mr. Benny, when I go to Mary's party, I'm going to bring…"
[phone rings]
Dennis: "Hello?"
Dennis, I forgot to tell you something."
Dennis: "What?"
Mary: "Don't drive Jack nuts, just sing your song."
Dennis: "Okay."
[hangs up]
Jack: "Dennis?"
Dennis: "Quiet, I'm going to sing."
FLUB: (Dennis has just sung)
Jack: "Well Dennis, you certainly picked an appropriate song for St. Patrick's Day. And I might add, Dennis, that as time goes on, your voice gets better and better."
Dennis: "Well, if it's so good, how about a raise?"
Jack: "You know, Dennis, on second thought, instead of singing Glocca Mora on the program, why don't you sing the song I wrote? (gets the melody completely wrong) "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon, Then I'll Come Back To You.
[door slam]
[big laugh]
Jack: "I couldn't remember the melody of my own song! My song may not sell any copies, but it sure gets rid of pests."
JOKE: [10:00]
Jack: "Oh, hello Phil."
Phil: "Hello, Jackson."
Jack: "What's the matter, Phil, you sound depressed."
Phil: "Yeah, I am. I just came back from the doctor.
Jack: "The doctor? What's wrong?"
Phil: "Well, a couple of weeks ago, I became allergic to something and I broke out in a rash on my back. It itches something awful."
Jack: "Oh, that's a shame."
Phil: "Yeah, so I went to the doctor, so every day he's been testing me to find out what I'm allergic to, and… today he found out."
Jack: "Well, what are you allergic to?"
alcohol."
Jack: "No!!"
Phil: "Yeah, the only way I can get rid of this itch is to quit drinking completely.
Jack: "Oh. What are you going to do?"
Phil: "Grow long fingernails, I'm in for a lot of scratching!"
CONTINUITY ALERT: Phil's allergy to alcohol is forgotten after this episode. Thank goodness. Maybe he took some Bat Anti-Alcohol Allergy pills, supplied by Bruce Wayne.
JOKE: [12:00]
Mary: "Look Phil, I'm having a party on Wednesday and I'd like you and Alice to come."
Phil: "Yeah okay, we'll be there. Hey, say, uh, do you want me to bring my orchestra boys along too?"
Mary: "Oh, no Phil, I haven't got room for 36 more people."
Phil: "What do you mean 36? I only got 18 fellas in my band."
Mary: "Oh yeah, what about their parole officers?"
Phil: "Oh yeah, almost forgot about them cats. Look Mary, can I at least bring Remley?"
Mary: "No."
Phil: "Sammy my Drummer?"
Mary: "No."
Phil: "Now, wait a minute, I've got to bring at least one of my boys."
Mary: "Why?"
Phil: "Somebody's got to scratch my back."
Mary: "Phil, I don't know what you're talking about, but if your back itches, can't you scratch it yourself?"
Phil: "No, I'll be using both hands to pour the stuff that makes it itch."
JOKE: [13:00] (Again, Jack puts his song to good use)
Rochester: "Your lunch is ready, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Oh, thanks Rochester."
Phil: "Hey Jackson, I'm kind of hungry. I think I'll stay and have some lunch with you."
Jack: "Oh. Oh, you want to eat here, huh? When You Say I Beg Your Pardon…
[slam]
Jack: "It works every time! I got the song right that time! When You Say I Beg Your Pardon… gosh, I mustn't forget my own melody."
JOKE: [13:45]
Jack: "Gosh, I'm hungry. These diets are murder. I'm going to eat something. Oh, Rochester? Rochester, come here a minute, will you?"
Rochester: "Yes, boss."
Jack: "Rochester, I'm really hungry what's in the refrigerator?"
Rochester: "Dennis Day."
Jack: "What?"
Rochester: "When he left, he opened the wrong door."
Jack: "Oh, well leave him there for a while, I don't want to hear his explanation of how it happened."
CONTINUITY ALERT: The two Income Tax men, Joseph Collins (Joseph Kearns) and Herbert Thompson (Will Wright) were the subject of a multi-episode story arc beginning in April 1951, in which they simply couldn't believe that Jack had only spent $17 on entertainment for the year. Somehow this angle was milked (and milked decently) for four episodes. They're back for an encore this year, but have been renamed Mr. Kearns and Mr. Wright. Jack remembers them by their new names as if that's what they were always called. And here they are back again for Part 5!
JOKE: [15:00]
Kearns: "We're from the Income Tax Department."
Jack: "Oh, yes. You're the same men who were here last year. Come in. your name is, uh… is Mr. Kearns, isn't it?"
Kearns: "Yes, and this is my assistant, Mr. Wright."
Jack: "Wright?"
Wright (flatly): "How do you do?"
Jack: "Gentlemen, if you've come about my income tax, I've already sent it in."
Kearns: "Mr. Benny, we're not here to discuss this year's taxes. We'd like to talk to you again about last year's."
Jack: "Last year's? I thought that was settled. We went over it so many times. And when I didn't hear from you again, I… I assumed that nothing was wrong. I thought everything was right."
Wright (flatly): "How do you do?"
JOKE: [16:00]
Wright: "We can't understand how a man who earned over $300,000 could only spend $17 on entertainment."
Jack: "Well, that's all I spent. I can prove it to you. Rochester, get my books out of my desk drawer."
Rochester: "Yes, sir."
Kearns: "There's no need…"
Jack: "I'm going to prove it to you once and for all."
Wright: "But Mr. Benny."
Rochester: "This drawer here on the left?"
Jack: "No, the right."
Wright (flatly): "How do you do?"
CONTINUITY ALERT: As mentioned, Jack earned $300,000 in 1950.
JOKE: [17:15]
Kearns: "We don't think you're taking full advantage of deductible items."
Jack: "I'm not?"
Rochester: "Here are you books, Boss."
Kearns: "Now, take your butler, for instance."
Jack: "You mean Rochester?"
Kearns: "Yes. Even though he's your butler, if he assists you in any way pertaining to the production of your radio or television shows or any other of your business activities, then that portion of his pay is deductible."
Jack: "You mean, uh…"
Wright: "Yes. Under those conditions, you could split his salary."
Rochester: "Split my salary??"
Kearns; "Yes."
Rochester: "Gentlemen, they've split infinitives and they've split the atom. But I defy ANYBODY to split my salary."
Jack: "Rochester, this is no time…"
Kearns: "Just a moment, Mr. Benny. Rochester, are you inferring that your salary is THAT small?"
Rochester: "Well, in Santa Anita colloquialism, it starts off pretty good, but something always happens to it coming around the far turn."
Kearns: "Well, what do you mean?"
Rochester: "Well, every payday, Mr. Benny sits me down and explains how he has to make certain deductions out of my salary. So much for withholding. So much for unemployment insurance. And so much for Social Security. Then he further explains that what remains is known as 'Take Home Pay'."
Kearns: "That's right. Take Home Pay."
Rochester: "Then he points out that I'm living in his home so he takes it."
Wright: "Mr. Benny. Is that… right?"
Jack: "How do you do?... I can play that game too!"
JOKE: [18:14]
Kearns: "Mr. Benny, I just looked in the book that Rochester brought you, and there's an item that interests me."
Jack: "Which one is that?"
Kearns: "This one here? Income from violin engagement: Approximately $3."
Jack: "Yes, I filled in that entry myself."
Kearns: "Well, why is it 'approximately' $3?"
Jack: "Well, I was playing my violin at the opening of a butcher shop. And they gave me two pounds of meat."
Wright: "They gave you two pounds of meat for playing your violin?"
Rochester: "They didn't give it to him, somebody hit him with a round steak!"
Jack: "Well, I brought it home!! What's the difference??"
CONTINUITY ALERT: Professor La Blanc lives at 6212 Eymann Avenue (named, apparently, after Jeanette Eymann, the script girl).
JOKE: [19:45] (La Blanc gets a visit from the IRS)
Kearns: "Professor La Blanc?"
La Blanc: "Oui?"
Wright: "We're from the Income Tax Department."
La Blanc: "Income Tax? Income Tax!! Gentlemen, look at me! See for yourself! I am barefoot! My clothes are torn!"
Kearns: "Professor!"
La Blanc: "I sleep on a hard spring! I ate the mattress! Income Tax!!!!!"
Kearns: "Professor! Professor, control yourself."
La Blanc: "Huh??"
Kearns: "Yes, we're here to talk to you about one of your pupils, Mr. Benny?"
La Blanc: "Ah! About Monsour Benny? Come in, come in! Perhaps I can help you send him to the Bastille!!"
Kearns: "No, no, professor. We just want to find out how much money Mr. Benny spent on his violin."
La Blanc: "Money?"
Kearns: "Yes. Don't you have any books?"
La Blanc: "Oui! I have written three books about Monsour Benny, but the publishers would not believe them."
Kearns: "No, we mean records, financial records. We want to know what expenses Mr. Benny has incurred in the upkeep of his violin."
La Blanc: "Oh, well that I do not know. I just charge him so much for the lesson, and that includes everything."
Kearns: "Oh, well perhaps we can break that down. How much do you charge him for the lesson?"
La Blanc: "Well, he is supposed to give me two dollars. But before every lesson, Mr. Benny sits me down and explains how he has to make certain deductions out of my salary. So much for withholding, so much for unemployment insurance, and so much for Social Security. Then he further explains that what remains is known as Take Home…"
Kearns: "Uh, come on, Bill, we've heard this before."
JOKE: [21:40]
Kearns: "Oh, by the way, professor, we've never heard Mr. Benny play the violin. How does he sound?"
La Blanc: "Sound? Well gentlemen, let me explain. The strings on a violin are made of cat gut. And the violin bow is made from horse hair."
Kearns: "Mmm hmm."
La Blanc: "So if you want to know how Monsour Benny's violin playing sounds, think of a cat being stepped on by a horse."
BOTTOM LINE: A very strong episode. Despite being Round 5 with the Tax Men, this may be the best episode in the bunch. Plenty of new gags to keep it feeling fresh.
28. 03/23/52 THE ACADEMY AWARDS (24:56)
SITCOM: Jack is shaving, and imagining himself as a great lover. He practices his technique when Mary arrives, but it turns out to be Phil. Alice threw him out of the house for thinking that a burlesque show would qualify as a Nature Study for the kids. Mary arrives. Phil and Jack both admire Mary's new dress, though not in the same way. A stranger (Mel) calls, to have Jack settle an argument between him and his wife. Phil notices that Jack is on the cover of Look, and points out that Jack isn’t the only one to grace a magazine cover.
Rochester returns from the market. He inventories the canned goods he bought, which isn't that hard, as he bought them all without labels, in order to save money. Don and Dennis arrive, but as each one of them has two shows, each is too deferential to the other to go in first. Dennis tries to use a joke that was his in rehearsal, but which has already been captured en passant by Phil. Dennis sings "Please Mr. Sun".
Jack invites Dennis to come along on his Big Bear skiing trip if he behaves himself (after what happened at Yosemite in 1940, I'm surprised Jack would ever go near a slope again). The supermarket calls. Rochester left one unlabeled can on the counter. Don has an idea for a sketch about the Academy Awards, since Jack was in attendance. Mary swears she'll never go to them with Jack again, and tells the story…
FLASHBACK: Jack and Mary are arriving at the Academy Awards. As they enter, they pass the Tout. When Jack goes to the counter to get some coffee, the Tout tries to talk him into getting milk instead.
The lobby is full of stars that they couldn't afford to get on the show, including Danny Kaye, Bette Davis, Marlon Brando, Irene Dunn, Joan Crawford, Arthur Kennedy, and Gene Autry. I'm not sure who Arthur Kennedy even is, so maybe they could have afforded him.
A radio commentator (Frank Nelson) is set up in the lobby, interviewing celebrities. He interviews Jimmy Cagney, Lionel Barrymore, Edward G. Robinson, Gary Cooper, Humphrey Bogart, and Jimmy Stewart. Unfortunately, they're all imitators.
Frank finally interviews Jack about his own picture plans. Frank asks Jack to predict the Academy Award winner. Jack begs off on that question, but suggests that in the Music category, he's written a song that should be among the winners. Jack begins singing "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon" and has to be dragged off mike.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS:
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Sheldon Leonard, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs,
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt, Blanche Stewart
DON'S INTRO: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills. At the moment, our little star is shaving.
NOTE: This is another Edited for Rebroadcast episode.
JOKE: [0:20] (Jack is shaving)
Jack: "Hmmm, my beard feels kind of tough this morning. I wish this was April 1st, so I could put in a new blade. I wonder how I would look with sideburns? Charles Boyer has sideburns. I can just see myself taking a beautiful girl in my arms, and saying, like Boyer, 'Ehhhh, my darling. Come with me to the cash drawer'… Casbah!"
NOTE: In addition to Boyer, Jack names the star of a TV Show called "The Continental" as a great lover. This show ran from January to April 1952.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Continental_(TV_series)
JOKE: [2:40]
Jack: "Phil, I wish you wouldn't stand behind me while I'm shaving."
Phil: "Why?"
Jack: "Every time I see the reflection of your eyes in my mirror, I think I've cut myself!"
JOKE: [3:15]
Phil: "Hey, look at you. That's a cute little dress you're wearing."
Mary: "I'm glad you like it, Phil, I knitted it myself."
Phil: "It sure fits you beautiful. The way it shows off your figure. I mean it clings so snug around the hips! And… hey, wait a minute! You said you made that dress. How come there's a price tag on it?"
Mary: "I put that on myself. I wanted something for Jack to notice too."
JOKE: [4:30]
(phone rings)
Jack: "Hello?"
Mel: "Hello, is this Jack Benny?"
Jack: "Yes."
Mel: "Well, Mr. Benny, my wife and I are having a big argument and you can help us settle it."
Jack: "Me?"
Mel: "Yeah, we bought a copy of Look magazine and your picture is on the cover."
Jack: "That's right."
Mel: "How old are you?"
Jack: "39."
Mel: "39?"
Jack: "Yes."
Mel: "You win, Mabel, them wrinkles must be in the paper."
JOKE: [5:10] (the previous, continued)
Mary: "Who was it, Jack?"
Jack: "I don't know, ever since I got my picture on Look, I've gotten a lot of phone calls."
Phil: "Yeah, and I know what you go through, Jackson. You're not the only one who's had his picture on the cover of a magazine."
Mary: "Phil, I've never seen your picture on a cover."
Jack: "Neither have I."
Phil: "Well, that's because you kids don't subscribe to The Monthly Manual of the Amalgamated Society of the City Planning and Construction Engineers."
Mary: "Uh, Phil. Phil, your picture is on The Monthly Manual of the Amalgamated Society of the City Planning and Construction Engineers?"
Phil: "Yeah, and I got a copy of it right here in my pocket. I'll show it to you. See?"
Jack: "Phil. That's a picture of the new freeway."
Phil: "Yeah. But look who's layin' against the curb!"
Jack: "Well Phil, if that's you, this picture certainly has an appropriate caption: Landmarks of Los Angeles."
JOKE: [8:10]
Phil: "Jackson, I didn't know you could ski."
Jack: "Are you kidding? I've been skiing for years. Of course I haven't got perfect form, you know. In fact, the last time I came down the slide, took off and sailed through the air, I did flap my arms a little too much."
Mary: "A little too much? A duck hunter took a shot at you."
Jack: "Duck Hunter! Duck Hunter!!"
DON'S SECOND SHOW: As mentioned previously, Dennis' new second show is "The Dennis Day Show". Not sure what Don's was, but he worked on several shows concurrently with Jack's over the years.
JOKE: [12:30] (Jack invites Dennis to go on the trip to Big Bear)
Dennis: "Gee, up in the snow?"
Jack: "Yeah. Have you ever been up to Big Bear, kid?"
Dennis: "I haven't, but a few weeks ago, my mother went up there on a hunting trip."
Mary: "Did she get anything?"
Dennis: "No, but she took a shot at a blue-eyed duck."
Jack: "Oh, she did, eh?"
Dennis: "Yeah, and she couldn't understand it. Her retriever came back with a toupee."
JOKE: [14:45]
Mary: "You've been taking me to the Academy Awards for many years now. And tonight, when you go up to congratulate the winning actor, do me a favor."
Jack: "What?"
Mary: "Just shake his hand. Don't say 'Lucky for you I didn't make a picture this year'."
Jack: "When did I ever say that?"
Mary: "You started with William S. Hart."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Comedifact.com has run a check on the previous joke. Hart was a silent movie cowboy, who retired after doing one talkie, but he never won an Academy Award. Comedifact rates this joke "Mostly False".
CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack describes the Racetrack Tout as the Tout from Santa Anita. Since only once has Jack actually met the Tout AT a racetrack, how does he know this?
TOUT: [16:00]
Mary: "Say, Jack. I want to stop at the drugstore and get some cough drops. Have we got time?"
Jack: "Oh, sure."
[door opens]
Mary: "Let's see, where's the drug counter?"
Jack: "Right over there. Don't hurry, Mary, we have plenty of time."
Tout: "Hiya, Bud. Long time no see."
Jack: "Huh? Oh, hello. Come on, Mary."
Mary: "Uh, Jack, wasn't that…"
Jack: "Yes, that tout from Santa Anita. I always run into him. Say Mary, they have a fountain here. I think I'll get a cup of coffee. Would you like some?"
Mary: "No, no, you go ahead."
Jack: "Okay. When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you…"
Tout: "Hey, Bud. Bud."
Jack: "Huh?"
Tout: "C'mere a minute."
Jack: "Who, me?"
Tout: "Yeah. Where ya going?"
Jack: "Over to the fountain."
Tout: "What are you going to get?"
Jack: "Coffee."
Tout: "Uh uh."
Jack: "What?"
Tout: "Get milk."
Jack: "But I want coffee."
Tout: "Coffee hasn't got a chance."
Jack: "Why not?"
Tout: "Wet grounds."
Jack: "Oh. Well, I don't care, I'm going to get coffee."
Tout: "Now, don't be a sucker. Take milk."
Jack: "Why milk?"
Tout: "Look at the breeding."
Jack: "The breeding?"
Tout: "Yeah. Milk is outta Cow by Squeeze."
Jack: "I don't care, I don't want milk."
Tout: "Look Bud, don't let it get around, but I got something really good."
Jack: "What?"
Tout: "Ovaltine."
Jack: "Why Ovaltine?"
Tout: "It's a sleeper."
Jack: "Well, maybe I'll… hey, wait a minute! I know what I'm going to get!"
Tout: "What?"
Jack: "C'mere a minute."
Tout: "Me?"
Jack: "Yes. I'm gonna get Tea."
Tout: "Why Tea?"
Jack: "Because Tea is in the bag!"
Tout: "Well, okay, it's your dough. So long."
NOTE: The gag of having a string of celebrity imitations has been done before. The 6/23/33 episode (the final episode of the first Chevrolet Season) featured Johnny Woods doing a string of celebrity imitations at a party. I'm not sure who's doing them this time, though. Looking at the casting sheet, it might have been either Will Wright or Del Sharbutt, but it doesn't sound like either of them. If it's Dennis, then he's topped himself.
JOKE: [23:00] (Frank interviews Jack)
Frank: "Tell me, Mr. Benny, what are your future picture plans?"
Mary: "He expects to see Quo Vadis tonight."
Jack: "Mary please, this is an interview."
Frank: "Mr. Benny, the last picture you made was a Western called The Horn Blows at Midnight, wasn't it?"
Jack: "A Western?"
Frank: "Yes, I was at the preview and I remember hearing gunshots."
Mary: "That was the Warner brothers."
Jack: "Fortunately they missed each other."
NOTE: Frank doesn't seem to be playing his usual character this time. He has the same unctuousness, but doesn't seem at all antagonistic towards Jack until the end.
BOTTOM LINE: Another Feels-Like-a-Filler episode. Not bad, a few good jokes, but it feels like it's just going through the motions. It makes decent enough listening, but is fairly unremarkable. The celebrity imitations just didn't do it for me, and they're the main point of the second half of the show. The first half is not at all bad, though. On the plus side, the Racetrack Tout sketch is typically good, and the gag about Phil on the magazine cover is one of the greats.
29. 03/30/52 MY NAVAL CAREER (23:33)
THE SHOW: The show is broadcasting from a Naval Training Center in San Diego. Jack and Don discuss Jack's own career in the Navy, which he joined as part of the family tradition. Mary gets chased into the studio by amorous sailors (this kind of thing always seems to happen to her when they broadcast from a military base. And Mace wasn't invented until 1965, the year Jack's weekly programs ended. Coincidence???) Chief Petty Officer Jones (Mel) arrives to ask Jack what he'd like for dinner, before asking the other sailors on the base what they'd like. Dennis arrives to thunderous applause. He does his routine, and still gets applause.
Dennis sings "I Hear a Rhapsody". Jack compliments Dennis on his singing (can Jack slamming the band be far away?).
Philzebub arrives to even louder applause. Phil and Jack argue about going into their acts in public places.Jack starts to introduce the play, but is interrupted by a call from Rochester. Rochester doesn't get as loud a pop as Phil and Dennis did, but probably people's hands were tired by this time. The manager of Jack's hotel is angry at Jack for sub-letting his other twin bed, and other money-making ventures he's been carrying on in the hotel. Don introduces the play, (loosely) based on Jack's actual experiences in World War I.
THE PLAY: In 1917, Jack enlists in the Navy. A Navy Doctor reluctantly admits him, and he reports to the Supply Officer (Frank) to get his uniform. Once suited up, Jack is transferred to the San Diego Naval Training Center (talk about your coincidences!) After 6 weeks at Boot Camp, Jack takes a break and goes to Sherman's Bar, with his friend, Curly Harris. Jack orders Lemonade, Phil orders Tequila. Two hours later, Jack steps over Phil and goes back to the base. He gets lost and asks directions from an Ensign who turns out to be the Idunno Guy. Not surprisingly, he doesn't know how to get back to the base. Jack decides to stay away and enjoy himself. For staying away and enjoying himself, he finds himself up on charges. The Admiral (Don) lets Jack off with even less than a slap on the wrist. A week later, Don meets a girl (Mary, of course. Who did you think? Dennis??) After dating Mary for 6 months, Jack decides to kiss her. His romance is cut short as he is assigned to ship out. Five minutes after leaving harbor, Jack feels ill and goes to the doctor. Jack becomes the first sailor to get seasick on the Coronado Ferry. He is prescribed two APC pills, goes to his hammock, and falls asleep. As Mary mentioned earlier, he falls asleep in his hammock, goes to sleep, hits his head, and when he wakes up, the war is over.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS:
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, from the Naval Training Center in San Diego, we bring you a man who was so proud of his career in the Navy, he had an anchor tattooed on the sleeve of his underwear, Jack Benny!"
NOTE: The audience for tonight's show is unusually appreciative. Everyone gets great pops, and for once, Phil and Dennis get bigger applause than Rochester.
NOTE: There have been a lot of jokes about Jack's Naval career in World War I over the years, but this is about the last time they're able to pull it off. In 1949 they did a program where Jack was stationed at the Great Lakes in 1917. In 1949 they did a show where he claimed to have been 7 years old at the time ("I had a tough draft board, and shut up!"). This time he would have been 4 years old, so to get around that they have Jack claiming to have been 16 in 1917 (making him 51 at the time of the broadcast, if anybody was counting, but secretly he's even older.) In fact, Jack was 58 at the time of the broadcast. 1953 will mark 39 years since World War I began, so it will soon become mathematically impossible to do jokes about Jack in World War I. And another great tradition will fall by the wayside.
JOKE: [2:15]
Jack: "Oh, hello Mary."
Mary: "Hello, Jack. Oh boy, am I winded."
Jack: "Mary, what's the matter with you? Why are you so out of breath?"
Mary: "Well, I just came over here from the Navy Exchange."
Jack: "The Navy Exchange? Why, that's just a short walk from here."
Mary: "I know, but it's a fast run with 150 sailors chasing you."
Jack: "I mean, don't be silly, Mary. Sailors don't chase after girls."
[audience laughter and confusion]
Jack: "That's what it says right here!! 'Sailors don't chase after girls'."
Mary: "They don't, eh?"
Jack: "No."
Mary: "Since when are large butterfly nets part of their equipment?"
Jack: "Look Mary, you've got nothing to worry about. The boys here are a nice bunch of fellows."
Mary: "Oh, I know they are, Jack, and did you notice how young they all are?"
Jack: "Yes, but when I was in the Navy, I was young."
Mary: "So was the Navy."
JACK'S NAVAL CAREER: [3:00]
Jack: "I was telling Don about my career as a sailor during the first World War."
Mary: "Some career."
Jack: "What?"
Mary: "You joined the Navy, went to sleep, fell out of your Hammock, bumped your head, and when you came to, the war was over?"
Jack: "Oh yeah, if all I did was bump my head, why did they give me that ribbon?"
Mary: "That was a Band-Aid, and you know it!"
Jack: "Look Mary, you know it, and I know it, but did you have to tell everybody??"
JOKE: [3:30]
[knock, knock, knock]
Jack: "Come in."
Mel: "Mr. Benny?"
Jack: "Yes?"
Mel: "I'm Chief Petty Officer Jones."
Jack: "Oh, how do you do?"
Mel: "My job is to see that you're well taken care of during your visit here. Now, is there anything special you would like for dinner?"
Jack: "Well, uh, let me see…"
Mel: "Could you hurry it up, Mr. Benny? I've got to go around and ask all the sailors what they'd like to eat."
Jack: "Oh. Oh, I see. Well, what do the boys stationed here usually have?"
Mel: "Oh, some of them order crepes suzette."
Jack: "Uh huh."
Mel: "And others prefer filet mignon sauté with a wine sauce."
Jack: "I see."
Mel: "And then there are those who are partial to baked pheasant under glass."
Jack: "Gee, is that the kind of food the enlisted men in the Navy get?"
Mel: "No, but as long as we're on the air, let's do a little recruiting."
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [5:30]
Jack: "Oh, hello Dennis."
Dennis: "Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, everybody."
Jack: "Hey Dennis, you missed rehearsal today."
Dennis: "Well, I'm sorry, but I just got to San Diego a few minutes ago."
Jack: "Wait a minute, you just got to San Diego a few minutes ago? But I thought you left Los Angeles last Thursday."
Dennis: "I did."
Jack: "Well, what took you so long?"
Dennis: "I ran into a lot of traffic in Salt Lake City."
Jack: "Salt Lake City?"
Mary: "Uh Dennis, why in the world would you go from Los Angeles…"
Jack: "Mary! Mary! Take my advice, and don't ask him. Just drop the subject."
Mary: "But Jack, maybe he had very important business in salt Lake City."
Jack: "Huh?"
Mary: "Or maybe a relative was sick or something."
Jack: "Gee, I never thought of that. Dennis, when you were coming down to San Diego, why did you come by way of Salt Lake City?"
Dennis: "I wanted to avoid the traffic lights in Laguna Beach."
Jack: "Mary, you made me ask him! You made me ask him!!"
CONTINUITY ALERT: The preceding was a remake of the following exchange between Jack and Dennis (no Mary) from 4/25/1948:
Jack: "Say Dennis, what time did you get home from Palm Springs Sunday night?"
Dennis: "Oh, I didn't get home Sunday, I got home late Wednesday, and almost missed my own show."
Jack: "But you left Palm Springs Sunday night. What took you so long? Did your car break down?"
Dennis: "No, but I ran into a lot of traffic in Salt Lake City."
Jack: "Salt Lake City? Dennis, why did you go from Palm Springs to Los Angeles by way of Salt Lake City?"
Dennis: "I wanted to avoid the traffic lights in Banning."
Jack: "Well, that's logical."
JOKE: [10:00]
Jack: "That was "I hear a Rhapsody", sung by Dennis Day. And Dennis, I want to tell you that regardless of the silly things you do, I must say that you have one of the finest voices in radio."
Dennis: "Gee, I hope my mother heard you say that."
Jack: "Why?"
Dennis: "She thinks you're a louse."
Jack: "Hmmm."
Dennis: "Anyway, Mr. Benny, I don't care what my mother says, I like you."
Jack: "Well, thanks. And now, fellas..."
Dennis: "You've always been okay with me.
Jack: "Well, thanks kid, thanks. And now, fellas..."
Dennis: "You know, Mr. Benny, sometimes I wish you were my father."
Jack: "You do?"
Dennis: "So does my father."
Jack: "Look kid, I only tried to tell you, you had a nice voice! I don't want a whole routine out of you!"
HARRISISM (BRAGADOCCIO) [10:30]
Phil: "All right fellas, you can stand up and cheer! This show will roll now, cause Harris is here!"
PSEUDO-BLUE JOKE: [12:00] (Jack ended up in the drink)
Mary: "He's not exaggerating. I saw you swaying around in the water."
Jack: "Then why didn't you speak to me?"
Mary: "With those bifocals, I thought you were a halibut."
Jack: "Halibut, Halibut!"
Dennis: "Watch your language."
JOKE: [12:00]
Jack: "You know, Phil, you'd be much better off if you didn't pay so much attention to me and devoted more time to the boys in your band."
Phil: "There you go with my band again!"
Jack: "Certainly, we came down here to play the Naval Training Center. At least your boys could look decent."
Phil: "Now, wait a minute, Jackson. They can't afford to buy new clothes."
Jack: "Well, at least swab 'em down! Swab 'em down! Look at Remley sitting there."
Phil: "Hold it! Just hold it a minute, Jackson. Don't say nothin' about Remley, today of all days."
Jack: "Why not?"
Phil: "Well, yesterday... Frankie's favorite uncle died."
Jack: "Oh. Oh, that's too bad. Was it unexpected?"
Phil: "No, the judge told him exactly when it was going to happen."
NOTE: Jack is staying at the El Cortez Hotel.
NOTE: The play's theme song is "Anchors Aweigh".
JACK'S EYES: [16:00] (Jack gets a physical)
Doctor: "Your height?"
Jack: "5'10"."
Doctor: "Your weight?"
Jack: "145."
Doctor: "Color of eyes? Oh, they're blue, aren't they?"
Jack: "Bluer than a sailor on his first night in Boot Camp."
JOKE: [16:15]
Jack: "Now Doctor, you've got my records here, so tell me. Do I get in the Navy or don't I?"
Doctor: "Well son, I'm sorry, but I have to report some bad news."
Jack: "For me?"
Doctor: "No, for the Navy. You're in."
JOKE: [17:30]
Frank Nelson: "Now, here's your uniform."
Jack: "Now, just a second, you don't know my measurements! I take Size 34, please."
Frank: "Really?"
Jack: "Yes, I have a 33 waist."
Frank: "Uh huh.
Jack: "29 pants leg."
Frank: "Uh huh."
Jack: "And 32.5 sleeve length on the jacket."
Frank: "I'm GLAD you told me. Would you like your uniform in any particular color?"
Jack: "Well yes, would you happen to have something in blue?"
Frank: "Oooooooh, do I?????"
JOKE: [19:45]
Jack (Voiceover): "On my way back, I got lost. Realizing I needed help, I looked around until I finally found an Ensign. I walked over to the Ensign and said..."
Jack: "Excuse me, sir, but how far is it to the San Diego Naval Training Center?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "Well, am I walking in the right direction?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "Well, for heaven's sake, where is the Naval Training center??"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "You don't know anything. A fine sailor you are."
Idunno Guy: "I'm not a sailor."
Jack: "Then how come you're wearing that blue uniform?"
Idunno Guy: "What uniform? I lost my clothes in a crap game, and I'm COLD!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: I'm not really that big a fan of Benny Rubin's Idunno Guy. Too much formula for too little payoff. In fact, there may have been a little nepotism in the casting here. You know, one Benny to another? On the other hand, Dunno beats the Rube From Calabasas.
JOKE: [20:30]
Jack (Voiceover): "Since I couldn't find my way back, I decided to stay away and enjoy myself. But a week later, I was back at the base, and because of the things I had done, I found myself up before the Admiral, facing a court martial. The Admiral looked at me sternly and said…"
Don: "Were you AWOL for a full week?"
Jack: "Yes sir."
Don: "And didn't you get in a fight with two shore patrolmen?"
Jack: "Yes sir."
Don: "And when they tried to take you to the brig, didn't you bang their heads together and knock them out?"
Jack: "Yes sir."
Don: "Do you think that was nice?"
Jack: "No sir."
Don: "Well, watch it next time!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: They did the same "watch it next time" joke with Don back in the Suspense episode (1/6/52). I'm not sure if this is becoming a running Don Joke, or if the writers are just recycling material.
JOKE: [22:00] (Jack describes his early romance with Mary)
Jack (Voiceover): "I now had a girl friend. We went together steadily for 6 months. Then one night, I said to her..."
Jack: "Honey?"
Mary: "Yes, Mack."
Jack: "Pucker up, I'm going to kiss you."
Mary: "Okay."
Jack: "There. Have you ever been kissed like that before?"
Mary: "Yes, I have a mother."
BOTTOM LINE: A strong episode. Some good gags in the first half. The play is pretty pedestrian and overly relies on stock bits and gags, but decent enough. What really makes this episode is the audience. They're just so darn appreciative.
BILLBOARD--- (April 5, 1952)
"REPORT BENNY STAYS ON CBS TONIC TO NET'S SUNDAY PLANS"
Seen Hastening Crosby, Skelton, Bergen Decisions for 1952-1953
New York, March 29---A reported decision this week by Jack Benny to remain on radio next season was viewed by the Columbia Broadcasting system as firming up its powerhouse Sunday night line-up of comedy. Several other top attractions, including Bing Crosby, Red Skelton and Edgar Bergen are also moving toward a resolution of their radio status for the season of 1952-53 at CBS and the Benny decision is seen as a hopeful augury.
CBS and Benny’s sponsor, Lucky Strike cigarettes, have collaborated on a plan which would pay the comedian sufficient dough to make him forego the hazards of a regularly scheduled TV slot. Benny, however, probably will continue making his occasional appearances on video in the Sunday night 7:30-8 pm slot on CBS-TV, as in the past.
Since CBS feels that as Benny goes so goes the Sunday night line-up, the web is considerably relieved. The network had felt that without Benny as anchorman, its important Sunday night comedy line-up might crumble. Should Benny continue next season, the likelihood of “Amos n’ Andy” being retained by Rexall is considerably bettered.
30. 04/06/52 JACK OPENS HIS SWIMMING POOL (26:51)
SITCOM: Jack is in his back yard, cleaning out the swimming pool with Rochester. Rochester objects that it wouldn't need cleaning so often if they had a tiled bottom instead of a dirt one. Jack wants to plant tulips in anticipation of a visit from Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. This leads to another variation of the Corporal Peterson sketch from opening day, about all the people that Jack *almost* met in Europe.Jack and Rochester try to catch a frog they found in the garden when Mary arrives. Jack invites Mary to his pool, but the mass of things Jack finds to charge visitors to his pool for make it unattractive.
Dennis arrives, as usual. He asks Jack to fill the pool, but only because he's thirsty.
Dennis sings "Old Rocking Chair".
Phil arrives, and announces that Bagby, his piano player, is going back to his old job as Professor of Psychology at Heidelberg. Mary has a dental appointment. Jack decides to tag along. At the office, they meet Don and the Sportsmen, all of whom have to go to their kid's birthdays (the joke being that the Sportsmen do everything, including having children, and getting sick at the same time). Mary goes to her appointment. Jack asks if Dr. Foster can see him too. The nurse says no, but Dr. Nelson has some time open. Amazingly, Jack does not run for the hills when he hears this name. As Jack waits, he meets the Rube from Calabasas. The Rube has actually moved from Calabasas to a smaller (unnamed) town, as he couldn't stand the night life.
Jack meets Dr. Nelson. Nelson looks down his throat, and says his teeth are fine, but his appendix might be in trouble. Mel arrives for Jack's X-Rays. Mel will be taking the pictures, and Frank will direct them. As they can't afford magazines, Dr. Nelson calls in Miss Berner to deliver the floor show. Miss Berner sings almost as well as Maria Callous, and very similarly. Jack "Wait a minute's" Miss Berner's song to a halt. The X-Rays show that Jack's tooth has a pocket with money in it. Suddenly, Mel and Dr. Nelson, pack up and vacate the office, announcing that they've lost their lease.
During the intermission, the Sportsmen sing "Down in Jungle Town", and it doesn't seem to have anything to do with Lucky Strike!
TAG: Jack muses about how ridiculous the episode was, and muses about changing writers.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS:
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Bea Benaderet, Sara Berner, Mel Blanc, Sam Hearn, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, the warm weather is here, so let's go to Jack Benny's house where we find Jack and Rochester cleaning out the swimming pool."
QUEEN JULIANA: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queen_Juliana
Her husband, Prince Bernhard of Lippe-Biesterfeld gets a callout in Jack's program too. It's good to be the King.
WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: He grows rice at the far end of his dirt floor swimming pool.
WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY: Charging people for the use of the pool, as well as nickel and diming them with surcharges for every associated service.
JOKE: [2:15]
Jack: "Let's start cleaning the pool. Rochester, go over to the other end…"
[Frog croaks]
Jack: "Aww, look at that frog over there in the corner. Isn't he cute?"
Rochester: "Yeah, he sure is big, too."
Jack: "Rochester, help me catch him.'
[frog croaks]
Jack: "Aww, he'd make a cute pet. I'd like to keep him."
Rochester: "Hee, hee, hee. Anything that's green, you like to save."
CONTINUITY ALERT: When Mary sees Jack trying to catch the frog in his garden, and asks why, Jack explains that it's lonely living in such a big house by himself. This probably explains why Jack has had Carmichael, Trudy, Polly, his camel, and so many other odd pets over the years. According to Mary, Jack currently has a turtle, a lizard, two garter snakes, and a caterpillar as pets. She doesn't mention Polly, the only one of Jack's pets that's ready for Prime Time.
WAYS JACK EARNS EXTRA MONEY / WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?: [3:30]
Jack: "Say Mary, how do you like the way I'm fixing up my back yard?"
Mary: "Oh, it looks fine."
Jack: "And as soon as the pool is filled, I want you to come over and swim every day."
Mary: "Oh, I'd like to, Jack, but I'm putting all my money into savings bonds."
Jack: "Now, wait a minute, Mary, I only charge for the upkeep."
Mary: "Upkeep? You charge ten cents for the locker, 15 cents for a bathing suit, and a quarter for the use of the pool."
Jack: "Well, I don't charge anything for the shower."
Rochester: "No, but the price of towels is ridiculous!"
Jack: "Rochester!"
Mary: "Rochester's right. You charge for everything. Five cents for a sun chair. Seven cents for a beach umbrella. Ten cents for water wings."
Jack: "Mary."
Mary: "You’ve even got a meter on the diving board."
Jack: "Mary."
Mary: "Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Jack: "What are you laughing at?"
Mary: "You've got the only swimming pool that's listed in the New York Stock Exchange."
RACIAL HUMOR: [5:20]
Voice: "(String of unintelligible Chinese)"
Jack: "Hey, you over there! Just harvest the rice, don't eat it!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: During the 1930's episodes, we tracked racial humor, and concluded that there was nothing too offensive, but nothing too funny either. Most of it was eliminated after the war, but a few stray bits slipped through. This joke would probably have people fainting in the aisles today. There's nothing genuinely offensive about it if you try to break it down and analyze it. But it's not funny, either. To the modern mind, that helps makes it offensive. We think "Why are you even going there at all if there's no laugh at the end?"
JOKE: [8:15] (Phil arrives poolside)
Phil: "Hiya, kids!"
Mary: "Oh, hello Phil."
Jack: "Hello, Phil."
Phil: "Well, well, cleaning out the old pool, huh? Getting ready to open for business, eh Jackson?"
Jack: "Yep. Say Phil, would you like your job back again as lifeguard?"
Phil: "Not after what happened last year when that fellow nearly drowned."
Mary: "What happened, Phil?"
Phil: "Before I could save him, I had to buy a ticket to get in the pool."
JOKE: [9:00]
Jack: "What's on your mind, Phil?"
Phil: "Well, it's about Bagby, my piano player. He's leaving my orchestra."
Jack: "No! Bagby's quitting your band? Why?"
Phil: "He's going back to his old job."
Jack: "His old job? What was that?"
Phil: "Professor of Psychology at Heidelberg."
Jack: "Phil. Phil, you mean to stand there with that bottle in your hand, and tell me that Bagby, your piano player, used to be a professor of psychology?"
Phil: "Are you kidding? He's one of the most brilliant minds in the country. He's got his A.B. His M.A. L.L.B. PhD. And his SQCTF."
Jack: "SQCTF?"
Phil: "San Quentin, Class of 34."
Jack: "Phil…"
Phil: "He was voted the Alumnus Most Likely to Come Back."
Jack: "Phil…"
Phil: "For a while, we thought he was going to graduate magna cum gas chamber."
Jack: "Well Phil, what are you worried about. You can get somebody to replace Bagby."
Phil: "Yeah, but that ain't what worries me, Jackson. It's his piano and he's going to take it with him."
Jack: "Well, for heaven's sake, can't you get another piano?"
Phil: "Not one that makes ice cubes!"
Jack: "Ice cubes?"
Phil: "When you press the foot pedals, you get draft beer."
Jack: "I was wondering why that piano said 'Stein' instead Of 'Steinway'."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: This bit is a good example of how flat this episode is. Jokes about Phil's boys being on probation and awful musicians are commonplace. The bit last week about Remley's uncle dying was funny. This one just comes off as forced and unfunny. And without meaning to, aren't they slamming Heidelberg here? Why did they hire a convict as Professor of Psychology? This is a bit that the audience laughed at reflexively, but when you think about it, doesn't make too much sense.
JOKE: As the Sportsmen are feeling poorly in this episode, they give a really limp "Hmmmm" in response to Jack's greeting. It's almost funny, but you had to be there. It's certainly not funny in print.
JOKE: [13:40]
Nurse (Bea): "Now, your age, please."
Jack: "Well uh, how old would you guess me to be?"
Bea: "28?"
Jack: "No, no. I'm a little older than THAT. Guess again."
Bea: "61?"
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: The Rube comments what a good looking woman Jack made on his last TV show. He's presumably describing the March 9, 1952 episode, in which Jack played Gracie Allen's role.
JOKE: [18:00]
Mel: "Hey you sent for me, doctor?"
Frank: "Yes, I have a patient here who requires an X-Ray."
Mel: "Oh, very well, you operate the camera and I'll swing the chair around so you'll get a good picture."
Jack: "Is that the technician? He looks like a frog I met this morning."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Of course, Mel played the frog earlier in the episode. Jack would often make jokes like this about Mel's versatility.
BOTTOM LINE: A REALLY flat episode. A few grins here and there, but overall, nothing seems to click, and all the jokes are more dopey than funny. Along with 12/9/51, one of the two worst episodes of the season. The Tag scene says it all. The least awful part of the episode is the extended Maria Callous solo, because all she has to do is sing anything in that screechy voice, and it's funny.
31. 04/13/52 JACK AND MARY WALK IN THE EASTER PARADE (29:26)
SITCOM: At Jack's home, Rochester is laying out his clothes while Jack is in the shower. Jack does exercises to look better for his TV show (which is a little superfluous if he's just about to go out for a long walk too). Phil arrives… wait, no, it's Mary. Jack isn't wearing his glasses. Jack and Mary go out for a stroll on Wilshire Boulevard. They meet Joey from the Beverly Hills Beavers. He wants to come to Jack's to feed his rabbit (a little misunderstanding, there). The fate of his other rabbit sheds new light on Mary's Christmas present.
Jack reminisces about the movie "Easter Parade" (1948) with Judy Garland and Fred Astaire. How they strolled down the boulevard singing a song and meeting people. Wouldn't it be great to sing that same song and do it too? "Sure," says Mary, "If we could do it without getting sued." (Okay, Mary doesn't say that, but I'm saying it. Haven't these two ever heard of copyright?) Well, either they acquired the rights or they write a knock-off version on the fly, but either way, Jack and Mary spontaneously burst into a "Happy Easter" song (mercifully, Jack hasn't got his violin with him).
Jack and Mary meet Phil. They invite him to come with them, but he has to stay put, as his being there is the Grand Finale of a tour bus that's about to come by.Jack and Mary continue walking and singing until they encounter Professor La Blanc. Unfortunately, he's unable to afford a new Easter suit, and isn't looking forward to Jack's violin lesson tomorrow. Perhaps the sleeping pills will help, if he takes enough of them. Jack and Mary continue both their stroll and their song, and it's nothing short of amazing, how they come up with new verses so spontaneously. That the guy who wrote "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon" should also be writing "Happy Easter" on the spur of the moment is quite extraordinary. Are we sure this song isn't from the movie??
Across the street, Mabel and Gertrude are gabbing together even on their day off. They spot Jack and Mary and join in the song. Nobody's spotted them yet, but one could swear that the Sportsmen are singing backup for them.Jack and Mary encounter Don. Jack tells Don how a reporter from the Radio-Television Mirror has questions about Don's eating habits. Mary invites Don to walk with them, but he's on the other side of the street, and with Jack and Mary, there's just not room for him on this side.
Jack and Mary go into a drugstore for cigarettes. Inside, they meet Elmer Fudd, of all people. Jack buys a pack of Wuckies from Elmer, who insists that he tear one open and compare, like the new slogan says. (He doesn't mention the fact that half the packs go to tax, as this is most likely a very sensitive issue with Jack.) Jack and Mary continue strolling and singing until they meet Mr. Kitzel. (Everyone knew that was coming sooner or later, as Mr. Kitzel is made for this kind of episode). Kitzel reminisces about his marriage. Jack and Mary keep walking until they meet the Racetrack Tout. The Tout wants to know where Jack is going, but declines trying to talk him out of it, as this is his day off.
Jack and Mary keep walking until they meet Dennis. Dennis describes the mishaps his Easter Egg hunt caused, as well as getting in plugs for his own show, latest single, and upcoming movie. Jack and Mary invite Dennis to walk along with them to La Brea, as he's still got a song to sing in this show, you know. Dennis sings "In the Easter Parade".
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Arthur Q. Bryan
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Bea Benaderet, Sara Berner, Mel Blanc, Sheldon Leonard, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt, Stuffy Singer
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's Easter Sunday, and in cities all over the country, people are Easter parading. Right now in Beverly Hills, Jack is getting ready for his stroll down Wilshire Boulevard. At the moment he's taking a shower, and Rochester is laying out his clothes.
NOTE: This is a remake of the 1949-04-17 episode. Many bits are the same, some changed, but the overall theme of the "Happy Easter" song dominates both.
TOBACCO NEWS: When you buy a pack of cigarettes, the Federal government gets 8¢. Most state and local governments get 3¢ more. In this episode, Lucky finally comes up with a slogan that resonates today: "Over half your packs go to tax." I wonder what that figure would be today? From the sounds of this, a pack of cigarettes cost about 22¢ in 1952. That would be about $1.88 in 2012 dollars. I don't smoke myself, but isn't the price of a pack today between $4 and $5? Five dollars a pack would be 59¢ in 1952 dollars. Imagine if they knew how much they'd be paying some day. It's a wonder this habit has survived.
MORE TOBACCO NEWS: Lucky has another new slogan: "Tear and Compare". The idea is that you should tear open a Lucky and observe how much better packed it is than other cigarettes. The good part is that if millions of smokers tear open a Lucky without smoking it, they'll buy more to replace it. The bad part is that to make this test, they'd also have to go out and buy a rival brand, and Lucky Strike nearly kiboshed a Racetrack Tout sketch once for even admitting that rival brands existed, much less naming them (we'll discuss that when we come to it). Whatever happened to the "Words! Claims! Doubletalk!" ad campaign they had earlier in the season? That sure didn't last long, did it?
JACK SINGS: We usually note those rare episodes in which Jack himself sings, and it happens a lot in this one.
MARY SINGS: Ditto.
HAPPY EASTER: Verses of the Happy Easter song can be heard at 9:00, 11:20, 13:40, 15:20, 19:15, and 22:30. This song is almost as Whistle-worthy as The Andy Griffith Show theme.
JOKE: [2:40] (Jack is in the shower)
Jack: "Oh, Rochester?"
Rochester: "Yes, Boss."
Jack: "I'm through with my shower now. Bring me a nice big towel."
Rochester: "The biggest towel we have is the one you took from the Acme Plaza hotel."
Jack: "Well, bring me that."
Rochester: "I can't, it's still on the roller."
NOTE: Jack plays his violin in the shower, and hangs it out on the clothes line afterwards. So, that's why it sounds the way it does.
JOKE: [3:40] (Jack is doing calisthenics)
Jack: "1, 2, 3 and 4. bend down and touch the floor. Lift my arms up in the air…"
Rochester: "Bend down, pick up your hair."
JOKE: [5:10] (Jack is deciding what to wear on the Easter Parade)
Rochester: "What about this grey suit, Boss?"
Jack: "I don't know, how does it look to you?"
Rochester: "Well, it has a gravy stain on the sleeve, salad dressing on the pants, butter on the cup, coffee on the lapel, and meat sauce on the vest."
Jack: "It has?"
Rochester: "Yeah, shall I send it to the clearness or put it in the refrigerator?"
Jack: "Send it to the cleaners. But first, Rochester, go through the pants and make sure I didn't leave any money in it."
Rochester: "Oh, Boss, COME now!"
RISQUE HUMOR: [5:30]
Jack: "Well, I'm all dressed, Rochester. How do I look?"
Rochester: "Fine, but you'd better put your glasses on."
Jack: "Oh, I'm not going to wear my glasses today. They make me look old."
Rochester: "But you don't see too well without them."
Jack: "Rochester, I just wear my glasses for reading. Now, let's see. I think I'll take…"
[doorbell buzzes]
Jack: "Oh, I'll get it. Oh, hello Phil."
Mary: "I'm Mary."
Jack: "Oh. Oh, oh, happy Easter, Mary. Well, I'm ready to go walking if you are."
Mary: "Okay. Aren't you going to say anything about my new dress?"
Jack: "Say, it's very pretty. Mary, isn't it kind of daring?"
Mary: "No, Jack, it's been in style for a couple of years. It's called the Plunging Neckline."
Jack: "Oh! Oh!"
Mary: "All the girls will be wearing them today."
Jack: "They will?"
Mary: "Yes."
Jack: "Rochester, bring my glasses!"
JOKE: [6:45]
Jack: "Gee, there are a lot of people on Wilshire Boulevard, aren't there, Mary?"
Mary: "Yes, and everybody's dressed so nice."
Jack: "Well, so are you. Gee, that new hat you're wearing is really cute. Where did you get it?"
Mary: "The May company. They give me all my clothes."
Jack: "The May company GIVES you your clothes? Gee, that's funny, you've been working for me the past 15 years."
Mary: "I know, they send me food, too."
JOKES YOU COULDN'T TELL TODAY: [7:10] (Jack meets little Joey from the Beverly Hills Beavers)
Mary: "Oh Jack, look who's coming this way. Isn't that one of the boys in your Beavers club?"
Jack: "Oh, yes. Hello, Joey."
Joey: "Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Miss Livingstone."
Mary: "Hello, Joey. Say, that's a mighty cute rabbit you have there."
Joey: "Yes, it's my Easter bunny. I'm taking him over to Mr. Benny's house to feed him."
Jack: "To my house to feed him? Why?"
Joey: "My father says you've got more lettuce than anyone in Beverly Hills."
Mary: "Did you just get this rabbit, Joey?"
Joey: "Oh no, I got it last Easter. In fact, I had two of them."
Jack: "Come on, Mary, let's go."
Mary: "Uh… just a minute, Jack. What happened to your other rabbit, Joey?"
Joey: "I don’t know. He just disappeared around Christmas time."
Jack: "Come on, Mary, let's go."
Mary: "Uh, Joey, exactly when did your other rabbit disappear?"
Joey: "It was… um… uh, December 23rd."
Mary: "Well, thanks for telling me. Goodbye, Joey.."
Joey: "Goodbye, Miss Livingstone. Goodbye, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Goodbye, goodbye."
[Jack and Mary keep walking]
Jack: "You know, Mary…"
Mary: "Oh, quiet! You and your mink Christmas present!"
Jack: "That was just a coincidence! I happened to get a mink with pink eyes."
JOKE: [9:45] (Jack and Mary encounter Phil on the street corner)
Jack: "Say Phil, Mary and I are strolling down Wilshire. Do you want to join us?"
Phil: "No Jackson, no. The Chamber of Commerce wants me to stand here until another bus comes by."
Jack: "Another bus?"
Phil: "Yeah, I'm the grand finale of the 95 cent tour."
Jack: "What?"
Phil: "Them out of towners go nuts."
Jack: "Oh, brother!"
Mary: "Uh, Phil. Phil, aren't you a little bit conceited?"
Phil: "No, no. Conceited is when you think ya got it and ya ain't!"
Jack: "Phil! And YOU'VE got it??"
Phil: "Well, I must have, Jackson. They want me to run for president on the Prohibition ticket."
HARRISISM (SELF CONGRATULATIONS): [11:00]
Mary: "Phil, Jack and I are going for a walk. Do you want to join us or not?"
Phil: "I'd love to, Mary, but some of my musicians are going to pick me up. They're having a little card game and they need a fifth for Bridge."
Jack: "You mean a fourth for Bridge."
Phil: "No, a fifth. They play and I pour. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, Harris, you can always depend on a feed line from that grey-haired gentleman with the button shoes!"
JOKE: [12:00] (Jack encounters Professor La Blanc)
Jack: "Hey, look who's here. My violin teacher."
La Blanc: "Bonjour, Monsour Benny."
Jack: "Well, Professor La Blanc. What a surprise running into you."
Mary: "Hello, Professor."
La Blanc: "Bonjour, Mademoiselle."
Mary: "Professor, you certainly look nice today. Is that a new Easter suit you're wearing?"
La Blanc: "Mademoiselle, I am a poor violin teacher. I cannot afford to buy new suits."
Jack: "Well, what do you do with the money I pay you for my violin lessons?"
La Blanc: "I buy sleeping pills."
Jack: "Oh, are they any good?"
La Blanc: "No, after a few days I wake up."
Jack: "Oh, well it was nice seeing you, Professor. And don't forget, you're giving me a violin lesson tomorrow."
La Blanc: "I will not forget. I will tie a string around my finger."
Jack: "Good, good."
La Blanc: "Better I should tie a rope around my neck."
Jack: "What?"
La Blanc: "Goodbye, Monsour Benny."
Jack: "Goodbye, goodbye. Mary, I can't understand why he hates to give me violin lessons."
Mary: "I can't understand, either. You play beautifully."
Jack: "Well, I… huh? Mary, that was sweet. What made you say that?"
Mary: "Oh, I don't know. Just an impulse. Yesterday I kicked a cop in the pants."
JOKE: [14:00] (Mabel and Gertrude get a day off)
Mabel: "You know, Gertrude, it's nice getting a day off."
Gertrude: "It sure is, Mabel. It's swell getting away from that CBS Switchboard."
Mabel: "Yeah. Oh Gertrude, I feel so elegant walking in the Easter parade. How do you feel?"
Gertrude: "My feet are killing me. But it's my own fault for buying such small shoes."
Mabel: "Well, what size did you get?
Gertrude: "Nine."
Mabel: "Oh, for heaven's sake."
Gertrude: "What's the matter?"
Mabel: "Getting your foot in a size 9 shoe is like docking the Queen Mary in a Dixie Cup."
Gertrude: "Well, look who's talking. Get a load of your shoes."
Mabel: "They're not so big."
Gertrude: "They're not? Last year when we went on our vacation, every hotel we stopped at pasted labels on them."
Mabel: "Well, it's a natural mistake because my shoes are genuine cowhide."
Gertrude: "Cowhide?"
Mabel: "Yes."
Gertrude: "From the way your toes stick out, it looks like milking time."
JOKE: [16:30] (A reporter has been asking Jack about Don)
Don: "What did the reporter want to know?"
Jack: "Well, he wanted to know different things, like what you eat for breakfast, what you eat for lunch, what you eat for dinner. What you have for dessert. What you have after dessert. What you eat between meals. What you eat before going to bed at night. All those different things."
Don: "Well, that's nice, Jack, but did he want to know anything about my work on your program?"
Jack: "Yes, he did, Don. He thought that my last couple of shows wasn't as funny as usual. He wanted to know if you ate one of my writers."
NOTE: The Ate the Writer joke is in the 4/17/49 episode, but this time it actually makes sense. On the heels of that swimming pool episode, this is the best time to use that joke.
JOKE: [20:30] (Jack comments on Mr. Kitzel's suit)
Kitzel: "I'm also wearing it for sentimental reasons. This is the suit in what I got married."
Jack: "Oh, when you got married? Gee, that must have been about 20 years ago."
Kitzel: "Yes, funny how a little thing like that sticks with you."
Jack: "Yes, yes."
Kitzel: "Oh, my I'll never forget that ceremony. When they said if anyone has any objection to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace."
Jack: "Yes?"
Kitzel: "A voice from the back hollered 'Don't marry her!'"
Jack: "Oh, my goodness, who was it?"
Kitzel: "Me, I'm a ventriloquist."
JOKE: [21:15] (Jack and Mary encounter the Tout)
Tout: "Hey, Bud. Bud."
Jack: "Huh?"
Tout: "C'mere a minute."
Jack: "Me?"
Tout: "Yeah."
Jack: "Excuse me, Mary. Yes?"
Tout: "What're ya doing?"
Jack: "We're just strolling along in the Easter parade."
Tout: "How far are ya going?"
Jack: "To La Brea."
Tout: "That's fine."
Jack: "What?"
Tout: "You said you was going to La Brea, and I said that's fine."
Jack: "Well, wait a minute. Aren't you going to try to talk me out of it?"
Tout: "Not me, this is my day off."
Jack: "Oh, oh."
Tout: "Well, happy Easter."
OH! SOMETHING!: [23:00]
Jack: "Hey Dennis, are you having a nice Easter?"
Dennis: "Yes, I colored Easter eggs all morning, and then I hid them."
Jack: "Uh huh."
Dennis: "And then I told my mother to go look for them."
Mary: "Oh, that must have been fun."
Dennis: "Oh no, it was a mess. The eggs splattered all over my mother's new dress, her two nightgowns and six of my father's shirts."
Mary: "Well Dennis, where did you hide the eggs?"
Dennis: "In the washing machine."
Mary: "In the washing machine?
Dennis: "Yeah, it was awful."
Jack: "Dennis, I don't understand this. Colored Easter eggs shouldn't splatter. How long did you boil them?"
Dennis: "Oh!! Boil them!!"
Jack: "Mary, you take it, will you? I'm still a little sick from Phil."
JOKE: [24:00] (Get ready for the plugs)
Jack: "And by the way, Dennis, make sure you're not late for rehearsals for my television show."
Dennis: "I won't. And my mother says that it's okay for me to appear on your TV program, so you'll need to give me proper credit at the end."
Jack: "What do you mean proper credit?"
Dennis: "Well, at the end of the program, she wants you to say 'Dennis Day may also be seen on his own television show, you may buy his latest recording 'I hear a Rhapsody' at all music stores, he will soon be seen in 20th Century Fox picture 'The Girl Next Door', and take your Judo lessons from Yamashita."
Jack: "Dennis, who in the world is Yamashita?"
Dennis: "Well, that's my mother's business name."
NOTE: Next Sunday is Jack's 5th TV show of the season, and will feature Dennis, Rochester and Isaac Stern. Kind of funny that Dennis and Rochester would be considered "Guests".
JOKE: [28:30]
Jack: "Ladies and gentlemen, next Sunday night, immediately after my radio show, I will do my fifth television program of the season. My guest stars will be Dennis Day, Rochester, and one of the world's greatest violinists, Mr. Isaac Stern. I will play a violin solo. (pause) That's funny, they told me there would be applause here."
BOTTOM LINE: A very strong episode, especially after the last one. The Benny Show is usually strong when the action consists of Jack in a public place, meeting a string of unusual people, which is why episodes in train stations usually work well. This one is not too different from a show in Jack's home, where the regulars filter in one by one to do routines with him, but this time, Jack goes to them. The jokes are good, the song is snappy, and they even get to meet Elmer FUDD! One of the best episodes of the season, despite being a remake. One of the odd things about the Benny show is that any time they remake an episode, it usually turns out better than it did the first time.
32. 04/20/52 ALL HANDS ON DECK (23:41)
THE SHOW: Another day, another military base in San Diego. Jack and Don banter about Jack's naval career (for more information, see the show two weeks ago, it tells the whole thing). Jack has to be in LA (120 miles away) 30 seconds after the program ends, and has a secret weapon to get him there. Mary arrives. She tells her latest story about being chased by amorous soldiers.
Dennis arrives, a little dizzy from his recent (non-alcoholic) experiences in a local bar. Dennis sings "Any Time". Dennis discusses his own Naval Career. Phil arrives, with complaints about Jack hogging all the local attention. This leads to the inevitable argument about the band. Mr. Kitzel drops by to say hello after visiting his nephew on the base. Jack introduces the play.
THE PLAY: "All Hands on Deck", or "Load the Guns With Tabasco Sauce, Here Comes the Shrimp Boat". Jack informs Mary that it's an all-male play, hence no spot for her (Why can't she just reprise her role as Slug Livingstone from "Submarine D-1??" [2/20/1938]) Don asks if Jack had time to have the plays technical terms checked for accuracy, as they discussed. Jack asks questions of an Ensign in the front row, but as he turns out to be the Idunno Guy, he doesn't know. The play begins without being fact checked.
Jack is Captain McBenny, of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Ulysses S. Sassafras, on his way to a secret destination. Jack opens his sealed orders, ordering him to proceed to Catalina. He sends out the recon planes. The carrier finds itself 3000 feet in the air, when they forget to untie the last plane.
Mary makes it on the ship after all, as a Manicurist, First Class. Rochester calls in mid-play, to tell Jack that he just made it to San Diego, having been made to hitchhike to save money. Rochester has met an old girl friend in San Diego, and wants to borrow Jack's car. His call uses up the remaining air time, thank goodness, because the play was going nowhere.
Jack gives call outs to various military personnel until Mel, a sailor with a 12 hour pass arrives to give him a 30 second lift to LA for his TV Show.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS:
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Mel Blanc, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, since we're doing our program at the Naval Air Station in San Diego, I bring you the star of our show. A sailor who was in the First World War and still has a toupee with a crew haircut, Jack Benny!"
NOTE: As just mentioned, this week's show is live from the Naval Air Station in (Carmen), San Diego. Didn't they just do a show from San Diego two weeks ago? Give somebody else a chance, willya??
NOTE: This is another edited for re-broadcast episode.
JOKE: [1:00]
Jack: "During the First World War, I was a sailor stationed at Great Lakes, Illinois. And you want to know something?"
Don: "What?"
Jack: "Before we leave here, I'm going over to the Recruiting Office and try to enlist again."
Don: "Oh Jack, they won't take you."
Jack: "What did you say, Don?"
Don: "They won't take you."
Jack: "I know, but where else can you get a physical for nothing?"
JOKE: [1:30]
Jack: "You know, they have so many types of planes here. Banshees, Sky Raiders, Corsairs. And Don, did you notice those huge Navy planes landing right on the water?"
Don: "Oh, yes Jack, but I was puzzled about those big things on the bottom where the wheels should be. What are they?"
Jack: "Oh Don, those are pontoons. You see, they keep you afloat in the water."
Don: "Pontoons?"
Jack: "Yes Don, those are the same things automobiles use in Los Angeles."
JOKE: [1:50]
Jack: "Which reminds me, Don, I have to be in Los Angeles 30 seconds after this program goes off the air. That's when I do my television show."
Don: "But Jack, how can you make it from here to Los Angeles in 30 seconds?"
Jack: "Don, I'm going to use the quickest moving thing known to science."
Don: "Oh, are you going to take one of those jet planes?"
Jack: "No, I'm going to go piggyback on a sailor with a 12 hour pass."
NOTE: The Base Commander at the Naval Air Station is Captain Erdman. An Admiral Baker gets a callout as well.
JOKE: [2:50] (It wouldn't be a trip to a military base if Mary didn't get chased by service personnel)
Mary: "Well, when we got here yesterday, one of the pilots took me in his airplane. And after 20 minutes, he said 'all right honey, either kiss me or get out'."
Jack: "No!"
Mary: "So, naturally I kissed him."
Jack: "Well Mary, I don't blame you. You wouldn't want to jump out of a plane 10,000 feet in the air."
Mary: "What are you talking about? It wasn't off the ground yet."
Jack: "Oh, oh, then getting you into the plane was just a trick to kiss you, huh?"
Mary: "Yes, but then Captain Erdman warned me."
Jack: "He warned you?
Mary: "he said if I see any guy around here with puckered lips, and he isn't carrying a bugle, watch out.
Jack: "Well, that explains it. This morning the whole base looked like Guy Lombardo's brass section."
NOTE: Mary has a date with an airman at a local place called the La Cantina. Apparently the place is famous for its overcrowding.
JOKE: [4:15] (Dennis arrives)
Dennis: "Hello, Mr. Benny!"
Jack: "Oh! Dennis, how come you're late? Where were you?"
Dennis: "Well, I'd have been hear earlier, Jackson, but I stopped off at a bar. You've got to live, bub, live!"
Jack: "Jackson? Bar? Bub?"
Dennis: "Oh boy, am I dizzy!! Hey, hey!!"
Jack: "Dennis, do you mean to say they served you a drink?"
Dennis: "No, they said I was too young so they just spun me around on a stool."
Jack: "What?"
Dennis: "Hey Don, have you got an Alka-Seltzer??"
Jack: "Dennis, what's the matter with you? All they did was spin you around on a stool."
Dennis: "Yeah, but they held my head in one place."
JOKE: [7:45]
Dennis: "I try to sing extra well for these boys, because you know, I used to be in the Navy too. I spent two years in the South Pacific."
Jack: "I know you did, Dennis. And you know, I was in the South Pacific, and brother, I ran into some pretty rough seas."
Dennis: "So did I."
Jack: "Were you ever towed overboard?"
Dennis: "Yeah, but the captain made the fellows cut it out."
Jack: "Dennis, the boys kept throwing you overboard? That's terrible."
Dennis: "Oh, it's all right, the fish kept throwing me back."
NOTE: Sometimes Dennis' age is as slippery as Jack's. At times they still try to portray him as the same (kayfabe) teenager he was when he joined the show in 1939 (hence the joke about him being too young to drink in a bar). But at other times, they mention how long he's been with the show, and refer to his naval career (both of which show that he is old enough to drink). In Jack's final season on the air in 1965, when Dennis was 49 in real life, Jack was still making comments about how "That kid drives me nuts."
JOKE: [8:00] (Dennis describes his Naval Career)
Mary: "Say Dennis, when you first joined the Navy, how did they know how to classify you? How did they know what rank to give you?"
Dennis: "Oh, that was easy, Mary. You see, first I had to fill out a lot of forms, answer a lot of questions, and for two whole days they gave me a written test."
Jack: "For two days? That must have been quite a test."
Dennis: "Yeah, and after it was over they made me an Ensign."
Jack: "An Ensign, huh?"
Dennis: "Yeah, I wonder what they would have made me if I'd passed."
HARRISIM (BRAGADOCIO) [9:00]
Phil: "Okay, fellas, here's Harris the star, so tear up your passes and stay where you are!"
JOKE: [9:15] (Jack reacts to Phil's grandstanding)
Jack: "What a ham."
Phil: "Well, I gotta do something when we travel around. You're the only one that gets all the big receptions. Look what happened yesterday when we arrived here? Who took all the bows? You did? I didn't get no welcome at all."
Jack: "What are you talking about? After I signed all the autographs, I sent everyone over to get your autograph, too."
Phil: "You did that just to show off. You know I can't write."
Jack: "Well Phil, I really forgot that you couldn't write. I didn't mean to embarrass you."
Phil: "Oh, you didn't? Then why did you hide my rubber stamp?"
Jack: "Because I thought you were going too far when you stamped your name on Admiral Baker's forehead. That's why. It was so embarrassing."
Phil: "Wait a minute, and that's another thing, Jackson. I know that trick you played on me last year."
Jack: "What trick."
Phil: "You switched rubber stamps on me, and for the net three weeks I was signing my name 'Fragile - This End Up'."
Jack: "What?"
Phil: "Mary told me, Mary told me!"
Jack: "Well, nobody in your band could tell you because they can't read either!"
JOKE: [10:45] (Jack's knockin' da band again)
Jack: "Mary, just because they tip their hats when they pass a pool room doesn't make them gentlemen. Now, let's forget it."
Phil: "No, I'm not forgetting it, Jackson. My boys don't like that stuff. They're sensitive."
Mary: "Yes, Jack. The things you said about them at rehearsal made them cry."
Jack: "Well Mary, that doesn't mean they're sensitive. They'd cry at the drop of a bottle."
Phil: "Only if it breaks."
[applause]
Jack: "Stop topping me!!"
JOKE: [11:30] (Kitzel explains his presence)
Kitzel: "I got a nephew stationed here."
Jack: "Oh, I didn't know you had a nephew in the Navy."
Kitzel: "Of course I have. In the last war, he was stationed in Oahu."
Jack: "Oh, Honolulu, Oahu?"
Kitzel: "No, Cleveland, Oahu."
JOKE: [11:45]
Mary: "Mr. Kitzel, I didn't know your nephew was stationed here. What rank is he?"
Kitzel: "He's a Seaman Second Hand."
Jack: "You mean Seaman Second Class."
Kitzel: "No, Second Hand. They threw him out and took him back again."
JOKE: [12:30] (Mr. Kitzel visited Mexico)
Kitzel: "We went to Tijuana and we had a real Mexican dinner."
Jack: "Oh, you went to Tijuana, huh?"
Kitzel: "Yes, and all the natives are so polite there. You know, Mr. Benny, all day long they kept calling me Monsour Kitzel.
Monsour Kitzel?"
Kitzel: "Yes, yes, that's what they called me."
Jack: "But in Mexico it's Senor."
Kitzel: "I know, but with my accent, they thought I was French."
Jack: "Oh, well it was nice seeing you, Mr. Kitzel. Goodbye."
Kitzel: "Au revoir, Mr. Benny."
THE REALLY OLD DAYS: [13:15]
Jack: "Now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction, we are presenting a dramatic sketch of the sea, called "All Hands on Deck", or "Load the Guns With Tabasco Sauce, Here Comes the Shrimp Boat. That's the silliest thing I'll say tonight."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: That final comment, "That's the silliest thing I'll say tonight" was used by Jack in his first program on Canada Dry (for a joke about George Olsen wearing roller skates). I don't remember him using the line since then, so it's kind of an odd thing to make a comeback after 20 years.
JOKE: [14:30] (Before the play)
Don: "Wait a minute, wait a minute, Jack. Jack, you said you'd check the technical terms we use in the sketch to be sure we're correct. Did you do it?"
Jack: "Oh, my goodness, I forgot."
Phil: "Well, you'd better check on it, Jackson. The last time we did a Navy sketch, your writers called the Commander "Warden".
Jack: "I know, I know. Well, I'll check everything right now. I'll call up one of these Ensigns. Oh, fellow? You in the first row, would you come up here, please? Thank you. He can tell us whether we're right or wrong. Oh Ensign, tell me, is the flat service on a carrier where the planes take off called a Flight Deck?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "Oh. Well, is the thing… is the thing that the guns stick out of on a battleship called a turret?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno!"
Jack: "Well, is the front part of a ship called a bow??"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno!!"
Jack: "Well, for heaven's sake, a fine sailor you are. How'd you ever get in the Navy, anyway?"
Idunno Guy: "I was recommended by the Marines!"
NOTE: Phil's line about 'the last time we did a Navy sketch' may not have been right for this time. The last Navy sketch they did is fresh in everyone's memory. It was two weeks earlier and in the same town.
JOKE: [17:00] (In the play)
Mel, on PA speaker: "Plane number 7 now taking off for reconnaissance. Plane number 4, now taking off for tactical maneuvers. Plane number 5 now taking off for Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga."
Jack: "Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga, we haven't been at war with them for years!"
RUNNING JOKE: Any time anyone mentions the name of the U.S.S. Ulysses S. Sassafras, they're told to wipe their chin.
LOCAL JOKE: [17:45]
Dennis: "Captain McBenny?"
Jack: "Yes, Ensign McDay."
Dennis: "I would like to report the position of the U.S.S. Ulysses S. sassafras."
Jack: "Good, good. Wipe your chin. What's our longitude?"
Dennis: "62 degrees south."
Jack: "Our latitude."
Dennis: "48 degrees. Would you like to know the altitude?"
Jack: "Altitude? What do you mean altitude?
Dennis: "You know that last plane that took off?"
Jack: "Yes."
Dennis: "We're still tied to it."
Jack: "Oh, my goodness. Where are we now?"
Dennis: "3000 feet over Tijuana."
Jack: "Tijuana??"
Dennis: "I theenk!"
Jack: "3000 feet??"
Phil: "I ain't been this high since last night at Sherman's."
NOTE: Speaking of technical terms, Dennis just said that their longitude is 62 degrees SOUTH. Since no joke is made about this error, I guess it's a genuine slip. And it comes right after they did a joke about getting technical terms wrong. I guess irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.
JOKE: [18:15]
Jack: "Ensign McDay."
Dennis: "Yes, Captain McBenny."
Jack: "I got a report that you disobeyed my orders. Last night you went swimming."
Dennis: "It wasn't my fault, sir."
Jack: "What do you mean?"
Dennis: "I took a walk around the deck and this ship isn't as long as I thought it was."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: The last two jokes are typical of the kind of jokes found in Jack's plays. Sort of cute, but also sort of dopey, and geared more towards the kids than the rest of the show. Jokes like this remind me of the kind of jokes that 10 year olds used to submit to the "Think & Grin" column in "Boy's Life", but are delivered by professional actors.
JOKE: [20:30] (Rochester wants to borrow Jack's car)
Rochester: "I thought… well, I maybe you'd let me use your car."
Jack: "Oh, you met a girlfriend, huh? Well Rochester, of course you can use my car, but the tank is empty."
Rochester: "That's all right, I'll put in a gallon."
Jack: "Why only a gallon?"
Rochester: "I want to run out of gas when I reach the Silver Strand."
Jack: "Well, I don't know, Rochester, I don't think I should let you have my car."
Rochester: "But you've got to, this girl is beautiful!"
Jack: "She is, eh? What does she look like?"
Rochester: "You want me to describe her to you?"
Jack: "Yes."
Rochester: "Have you ever seen a California sunset, juts as Mother Nature extinguishes her last golden glow with the tranquil waters of the blue Pacific?
Jack: "Yes."
Rochester: "Well, put a sweater on it and you've got it."
NOTE: Jack thanks Vice Admiral Thomas L. Sprague, Commander of the Air Force Pacific Fleet. Captain William L. Erdman, commanding officer of the Naval Air Station, and Lt. Harold C. Boudreau, for inviting them.
BOTTOM LINE: Above average episode. The play is a mess that goes nowhere, but most of the other dialogue is decent.
33. 04/27/52 BEND IN THE RIVER (24:01)
THE SHOW: Mel Blanc starts to give the opening introduction. Don explains that he's refusing to do the intro Jack ordered, and hired Mel to do it instead. Mel is raring to go, but Jack insists that Don is the program's announcer and must do the intros that Jack designates.
After playing with Isaac Stern on his last TV show, Jack insists that Don introduce him as a great concert violinist. Phil sides with Don, leading to another spat about their respective musical abilities, and those of Phil's band. Jack insists that Charlie Bagby, Phil's piano player, can only play pieces in the key of C, so they call Bagby up to settle the dispute. Bagby muffs the chance and makes a getaway on his motorized piano. Mary comes in and finds Jack and Don arguing. She thinks that Don should give the intro Jack asked for, until she finds out what it was.
Dennis arrives, injured from being run over by Bagby's piano. Dennis refuses to sing until Jack pays him for being on his TV show, but Jack insists he can't until next week, as the payment had been for Jack to write in Dennis' name for President in the California Primary. Dennis sings "Be Anything But Be Mine". Mel tries to announce Dennis' song. Jack makes Don pay him off and get rid of him, but reconsiders when he finds out that Mel only charged $1.25 for announcing, and that he can also lead a band and sing tenor.
Jack announces the play, which begins at 10:45.
THE PLAY: "Bend of the River", based on the movie of the same name (1952), starring Jimmy Stewart. In 1867, a covered wagon sets forth for Oregon, led by Buck Benny. Buck and his girlfriend Daisy (Mary's character in the play is actually named Kate, but for some reason, Daisy sounds better) talk about stopping for the night. Buck wants to keep a-goin'.
Suddenly, a stranger gallops into their camp. He looks and sounds a lot like Jimmy Stewart. In fact, it is Jimmy Stewart. And not another imitator, either, it's the real Jimmy Stewart. And what's more it's not the real Jimmy Stewart who was a utility infielder for the Houston Astros, it's the movie actor Jimmy Stewart. Jimmy takes over the wagon train, and inventories the supplies (No one will be seated during the thrilling Inventorying scene). They're a bit short of meat, so Jimmy and Buck go hunting (for Bucks?).
The group is attacked by Indians, two of whom (Don and Dennis) come to have a pow-wow. Jimmy tries to speak to them in their own language. To make peace, Buck agrees to be adopted by the tribe. 8 to 5 that their initiation ceremony had a lot to do with smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes, but as this is an edited for re-broadcast episode, we don't get to hear it. We do hear an abbreviated filksong version of "I'm an Indian too", sung by Jimmy and Jack. Probably the full version of the song had cigarette verses. (There's a Boom-chugga-lugga-lugga refrain that sounds like it was begging to be turned into "Boom-Smoke-a-Lucky-Lucky).
The following day, they push on and get lost. Eventually, they run into a scout named Curly Harris, who wants to buy their food, and offers to pay in gold. Buck wants to sell, but Jimmy tries to talk him out of it, assuring him that it's better to live than die in the desert with a lot of gold.
Two weeks later, Buck is still thinking it over (shades of "Your Money Or Your Life"), and finally decides to sell the food. Jack and Jimmy come to blows, and Jimmy shoots Buck a little too hard. Buck dies of gunshot wounds, but at least he didn't die of starvation. Jimmy buries him in the gold mine. The wagon train continues on, and reaches Oregon, so it's kind of a happy ending, in a WTF kind of way.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Jimmy Stewart, Charlie Bagby
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: [None, he subcontracts the job to Mel Blanc, who never gets it out]
NOTE: Another edited for re-broadcast episode.
OPENING BIT: [0:50]
Mel: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to give you the star of our show, a man who…"
Jack: "Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold it! Don! Who's this guy? What's going on here?"
Don: "Jack, I'm sorry, but when I read the introduction you wanted me to give you, I just had to go out and hire someone else to do it."
Jack: "You hired this fellow?"
Mel: "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me a great pleasure to bring you the star of our show…"
Jack: "Wait a minute, fella, wait a minute. Don, you're the announcer on this show and you've got to introduce me any way I want you to."
Don: "Well, this time, Jack, I'm NOT going to do it. I've got pride, you know."
Jack: "Pride?"
Mel: "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me…"
Jack: "Oh, shut up!! Don, what is this pride you're talking about?"
Don: "I'll tell you what it is! Just because you played a violin duet with Isaac Stern on last week's television show, I'm not going to introduce you as a great concert violinist."
Jack: "You're not?"
Mel: "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me…"
Phil: "Please, please, please. Hold it a minute, hold it!"
Jack: "Phil!"
Phil: "Great concert violinist? Dad, you sound like somebody's been spikin' your resin!"
Jack: "Well, you're a fine one to talk. What do you know about music?"
Phil: "Okay Jackson, okay! I will admit that personally I may not be the world's greatest musician, but I was smart enough to get together one of the finest musical aggregations in the world."
Jack: "Oh, you were, eh? Phil, if your band is one of the finest musical aggregations in the world, I'd like to ask you a question about Don Rice, your bass player."
Phil: "Nobody slaps a bass like Donsie!"
Jack: "That's what I'm getting at! Why is it he always sticks his hand in a bucket of water before he slaps the bass?"
Phil: "Force of habit!"
Jack: "What?"
Phil: "He used to work in the brewery, slapping labels on beer bottles."
Jack: "All right, Phil. I'll accept your explanation of Mr. Rice's musical eccentricities. But what about Bagby, your piano player?"
Phil: "What about good old Bag?"
Jack: "Well Phil, I won't… I won't say anything about the fact he's on parole. We'll forget that. But he can't read music, he can't tell the white keys from the black keys, and I never saw such a crazy looking piano. What's that extra pedal for?"
Phil: "That was Bagby's idea."
Jack: "Four pedals on a piano? What are they?"
Phil: "Soft, medium, loud and gas."
Jack: "Gas pedal?"
Phil: "He never knows when he'll have to make a getaway!"
Jack: "Oh, then that answers my other question. I was going to ask why the piano had white sidewall tires."
Phil: "Old Bagby thinks of everything."
Jack: "Well, it's too bad he doesn't think a little more about music."
Phil: "What?"
Jack: "Phil, you know as well as I do, not only does Bagby play by ear, but if it isn't in the key of C, he can't play at all."
Phil: "Oh, he can't, eh?"
Jack: "No."
Phil: "Okay Jackson, you asked for it. Hey, Charlie!"
Bagby: "Yeah?"
Phil: "C'mere a minute."
Jack: "Phil, you don't have to go through all that."
Phil: "Now, look. You said that all he knows is the Key of C. Now, let's find out. Go ahead, ask him to play anything, anything at all."
Jack: "Okay. How about something with three sharps?"
Phil: "Go ahead, Charlie, give him something with three sharps."
Bagby: "Well…"
Phil: "Think hard, Charles."
Bagby: "Oh, I know. The andante movement from The Barber of Seville. By Gillette."
Jack: "Wait a minute. The andante movement from The Barber of Seville, by Gillette? Three sharps?"
Bagby: "Look sharp, feel sharp, be sharp."
Jack: "Phil, you can tell that corny Bagby to go now."
Phil: "Yeah okay, you'd better leave town."
[engine sound]
Jack: "How do you like that?? He drove the piano right out of the studio! I don't know how I get into these things. All I wanted was a classy introduction."
Mel: "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me…"
Jack: "Not from you!! I want the introduction from the one who's supposed… oh, hello Mary."
Mary: "Hello, Jack. What are you mad about?"
Jack: "I'm not mad, I just asked Don to do something and when he refused, it hurt my feelings."
Don Wilson, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. After all Jack has done for you. In fact, we should be grateful for what he's done for all of us. And when Jack requests any of us to do something, we should make every effort to comply with his wishes."
Jack: "Thanks, Mary."
Don: "I guess you're right, Mary. Okay Jack, I'll do it. I'll introduce you as a great concert violinist. Ladies and gentlemen…"
Mary: "Wait a minute!!"
Jack: "Mary?"
Mary: "Jack, is that what you asked Don to do? Introduce you as a great concert violinist??"
Jack: "Yes, that's all."
Mary: "That's all?? He ought to slap your face!"
Jack: "Mary, I thought you were on my side!"
Mary: "Whatever gave you the idea that you're a great concert violinist?"
Jack: "Because on my television show, I played a violin duet with Isaac Stern. That's why."
Don: "And he wants me to call him Jascha Benny!"
Mary: "Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Don: "What are you laughing at, Mary?"
Mary: "Last year he killed a grasshopper and for two weeks I had to call him Frank Buck."
Jack: "I didn't kill that grasshopper, I brought him back alive. Don't be so smart. And anyway, I don't know why Don had to go out and hire someone…"
Dennis: "Oh, hello Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Oh, hello Dennis, I'm glad you're here. It's about time for… Dennis!? Dennis, you're limping."
Dennis: "Yeah, but I didn't get hurt bad."
Jack: "Hurt? Dennis, did you have an accident?"
Dennis: "Yeah, as I was crossing Sunset Boulevard, I got run over by a piano."
Jack: "Oh, for heaven's sake. That was Bagby. He got his piano from Madman Wurlitzer. Now Dennis, I've got to get this program started, so you'd better sing your song right now."
Dennis: "I'm not going to sing until you pay off for my being on your television show."
Jack: "I can't do that until next week."
Mary: "Jack, why can't you give him the money now?"
Dennis: "Oh, he isn't going to pay me money. Mr. Benny said if I went on his television show, he'd do something for me that's a great honor."
Mary: "A great honor?"
Dennis: "Yeah, he's going to write in my name for President in the California Primary."
Mary: "Oh, for heaven's sake. Imagine writing in Dennis' name for President."
Dennis: "If I'm elected, I'm going to declare war on Johnny Ray!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Isaac Stern (1920-2001) and Jascha Heifetz, (1901-1987) were of course, two great concert violinists, often referred to on the Benny program.
CONTINUITY ALERT: On 4/6/52, we were told that the 4th pedal on Bagby's piano was for Draft Beer. Now it's for gas!?
GILLETTE: "Look sharp, feel sharp, be sharp", was of course, the Gillette slogan at the time. A lot of these obscure jokes are self-explanatory.
MADMAN WURLITZER: A take off on well known used car dealer, Madman Muntz (1914-1987). He billed himself as Mad because his prices were so low, you see. He was kind of like the Crazy Eddie before Crazy Eddie. (Of course, these days people don't know who Crazy Eddie was either).
JOHNNIE RAY: Well known Jazz singer (1927-1990), known for crying during songs. See earlier note about how a lot of now-obscure jokes are self-explanatory.
JOKE: [9:00] (After Dennis' song)
Mel: "That was "Be Anything But Be Mine", by Dennis, Day, and…
Jack: "Hey, you!"
Mel: "Huh?"
Jack: "I don't want you to do any announcing on this show."
Mel: "Okay, okay. Hey, Mr. Wilson, if I ain't going to do no introduction, gimme my dough so I can go home."
Don: "You haven't done anything. I'm not going to pay you."
Jack: "Oh, yes you are, Don. You got yourself into this. Now, pay him and get him out of here."
Don: "Well, all right. How much do I owe you?"
Mel: "A buck and a quarter."
Don: "Okay, here you are."
Mel: "Thanks. So long."
Jack: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute, fellow. Come back here."
Mel: "Yeah?"
Jack: "You take a job as an announcer on a coat-to-coast program for a dollar and a quarter?"
Mel: "That's my price, a buck and a quarter."
Jack: "C'mere a minute…"
Mel: "Huh?"
Don: "Jack, you wouldn't dare!"
Mel: "Hey, I can lead a band, too!"
Phil: "Now, wait a minute, Kvetch, nobody leads my band!"
Jack: "Phil, you stay out of this!"
Mel: "I can also sing tenor."
Jack: "Well! Did you hear that, Dennis?"
Dennis: "Who cares, I'll be in the White House."
JOKE: [11:45]
Mary: "Say, Buck?"
Jack: "What is it, Kate?"
Mary: "We've been on the trail since sunup. Don't you think we should stop for the night?
Jack: "No, Kate. We've got to keep going until we reach the next water hole. It's only about two miles, I reckon."
Mary: "Oh Buck, let's stop here for the night."
Jack: "I said we're going to keep going?"
Mary: "well, can't the horse pull for a while? I'm tired."
Jack: "Well, all right. Hey, Dobbin, get out of that wagon."
Mel: [whinnies]
Jack: "Sure gives you a buck and a quarter's worth."
Mary: "Er, Buck, why can't we stop here? We got plenty of water."
Jack: "I know, but it's not safe here. This is Indian country."
Mary: "Are you sure?"
Jack: "Of course, I'm sure. Look, there on the ground. A scalp."
Mary: "That's yours, pick it up!"
Jack: "Oh."
Jack (Voiceover): "As we continued towards the hills, we saw signs of Indians everywhere. Though we knew we were surrounded by redskins, we made camp and ate our evening meal. We each ate a can of beans. And they would have been easier to digest if we'd had a can opener."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Whew. When Jack mentioned everyone eating a can of beans, I expected a joke straight out of Blazing Saddles.
ANOTHER NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Speaking of can openers, the invention of the tin can preceded the invention of the can opener by about 50 years. Before that, cans were opened with knives, chisels, stones, bayonets, or other ideas that you'd probably expect to find in a Friz Freling cartoon. By 1867, openers had been invented, but there was a time when this joke would have been more factual than funny.
JIMMY STEWART KISSES AGAIN: [14:00]
Buck Benny (Voiceover): "We talked for a while and then I introduced him to my wife."
Jack: "Oh, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Yes, Buck."
Jack: "I'd like you to meet Kate."
Mary: "Hi, Jimmy."
Jimmy: "Well, kiss me Kate!!"
Mary: "What??"
Jimmy: "Come here, Baby!"
Jack: "Hey! Hold on there!"
[long pause]
Mary: "Wait a minute. I thought you were the shy, bashful type!"
Jimmy: "No, that's in pictures. With the kind of dough I'm getting here, I'm letting myself go.
Buck (Voiceover): "He was not a buck and a quarter man."
JOKE: [15:45]
Jimmy (Voiceover): "The only thing we were short of was fresh meat. So one day, buck and I went hunting."
Jimmy: "Be quiet, Buck. I hear something!"
Jack: "Let's take a look."
Jimmy: "Okay. Hey! Hey, it's a bear."
Jack: "No, no, Jimmy. It's a buffalo."
Jimmy: "I thought it was a bear."
Jimmy (Voiceover): "I took his word for it that it was a buffalo. I couldn't argue with a man who's been pinching nickels all his life."
JACK SINGS: Jack and Jimmy sing a duet of "I'm an Indian too."
FLUB: [19:13] Jimmy totally blows his last line in the song, and Jack improves a comment about it.
JOKE: [19:40]
Jimmy (Voiceover): "We crossed the mountains and kept travelling."
Jack (Voiceover): "We weren't sure of where we were, until one day in a vast open place, another wagon crashed into us."
Jimmy (Voiceover): "It was then we knew we were in California."
JOKE: [20:00]
Mary: "Buck! Someone's approaching on horseback."
Jimmy: "All right, now be careful. Get your buns. Don't waste ammunition, don't shoot until you see the whites of his eyes."
Phil: "Whoa! Whoa, Teetotaler! Hi ho, strangers, I'm Curly Harris."
Jack: "No wonder we didn't see the whites of his eyes."
BOTTOM LINE: A very strong episode. The opening bit with Mel doing the announcing and nearly winning Don's job is well done. The bit with Bagby is a bit cartoony, but good too. Even the play is better than better than average (despite the odd ending). And it's got Jimmy Stewart, too.
34. 05/04/52 JACK FIXES THE PHONOGRAPH (24:30)
SITCOM: Rochester is at home doing one of his monologues about how much work he has to do. Polly joins in, making it a dialog. Rochester sings a threatening song at Polly, making it a musical. Jack is fixing his phonograph to listen to Dennis' latest record. Rochester tries to help fix it, but knocks off the horn and tips over the little dog. Jack tries to fix a loose wire, nearly electrocutes himself, and begs Rochester to pull the plug (didn't he have this same problem with Christmas lights once?). Jack fixes the phonograph and wants to test it out. Rochester suggests buying a new needle, but Jack insists that they've only gotten 873 out of the 1000 playings it's supposed to be good for.
Mary arrives (she usually is the first one in, isn't she?). Mary wants to go to the ball game, but Jack wants to hear the record first. Jack plays a record of Dennis singing Irving Berlin's "For the Very First Time" for the very first time. Dennis arrives during the song, but doesn't interrupt himself. For some reason, his explanation of why he didn't interrupt himself leads to his doing a (not bad) Jimmy Durante impression. (You had to be there, but it's funny if you were).
Jack and Mary leave to go to a ball game. Dennis follows along long enough to do his routine. Jack and Mary arrive at the game about to start between Los Angeles and Seattle (not who it sounds like). They find someone sitting in their seats. It turns out to be The Rube Formerly From Calabasas. It turns out he's from Calabasas again, and Jack is looking on the wrong side of the stadium for his seat. Rube introduces Jack to his wife. They run into Don, who hasn't missed a game this season, and discuss his Don's (possibly kayfabe) baseball career.
Mary wants Jack to get some red hots. Jack is ready to haggle with the hot dog vendor (Mel), but Mel is ready for him. Jack meets Phil, and gets into another argument about his age and Phil's musical talent. Phil is there with Kimich, Remley, and Bagby. Sammy the Drummer is in jail again, but it wasn't his fault this time. Jack asks directions from the head usher, who turns out to be Frank Nelson, and beats a hasty retreat before they get too involved in a routine. (Pete) Pavlik comes to bat for Seattle, and hits Jack with a foul ball. As Jack is carried out of the stadium, he asks to be carried past the box office, so he can get his money back.
TAG: Jack is at home, listening to the game on the radio. Baker comes to bat and hits a long home run, which comes crashing through Jack's window, hitting him again.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Veola Vonn
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Mel Blanc, Sam Hearn, Joe Kearns, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills, where we find Rochester working, as usual."
ROCHESTER SINGS: Rochester sings a little ditty at Polly. As mentioned previously, when Rochester tries to sing badly, it's like a vocal version of Jack's violin. But when he tries to sing well, it's not too bad. This one is not too bad.
JOKE: [2:40] (Jack nearly electrocuted himself on the record player)
Jack: "Boy, what a shock I got! I bet my hair is standing on end!"
Rochester: "Shall I go into your room and see?"
CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack's music library consists of "I'm Forever blowing Bubbles", "Dardanella", "The Sheik of Araby", "Keep the Home Fires Burning", "K-k-k-Katy", and "After the Ball is Over". He has older records on cylinder. Oddly enough, "Cohen on the Telephone", which he used to make his cast dance to, isn't there.
JOKE: [4:30] (President Truman was on TV yesterday)
Mary: "Did you watch television yesterday and see what they'd done to the White House? How beautiful they'd made it?"
Jack: "Yeah, I saw it. Gee, I thought that tour through the White House was very interesting. But there was one thing I couldn't get over."
Mary: "What was that?"
Jack: "Well, there's a doctor's office right in the White House, and 24 hours a day, a doctor and his staff are always on duty."
Mary: "Well that's right, Jack. President Truman has his own personal doctor."
Jack: "Well, that's what I'm getting at. Wouldn't it be cheaper if he belonged to the Blue Cross?"
Mary: "You would think of that."
Jack: "What?"
Mary: "I thought it was wonderful the way the entire nation was invited to the White House. And President Truman even played the piano!"
Rochester: "What did he play, Miss Livingstone?"
Mary: "When You say I Beg Your Pardon, Then I'll come Back…"
Jack: "He did not!!...... Did he??"
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [9:30]
Dennis: "Gee, I was supposed to go to Nevada on some secret government work."
Jack: "You? That's why you didn't come here? You were going to Nevada for secret government work? What were you supposed to do?"
Dennis: "Just stand still."
Jack: "Why?"
Dennis: "They were going to drop a bomb on me."
Jack: "Dennis. Dennis, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard."
Dennis: "You're just mad because they didn't ask you."
Jack: "Yeah, yeah, I'm mad!"
Mary: "Jack, let's go or we'll be late for the ball game!"
Jack: "Okay, come on."
[they go outside]
Jack: "Gosh, it's hot out today."
Mary: "It certainly is."
Dennis: "I'll say. This morning my uncle fried an egg on the sidewalk?"
Mary: "What? Dennis, you mean…"
Jack: "Mary. Mary, let it alone."
Mary: "Uh, but Jack, he said…"
Jack: "I know what he said! He said his uncle fried an egg on the sidewalk. All right."
Dennis: "Yesterday he fried an egg on the sidewalk, too."
Mary: "Really??"
Jack: "Mary, I'm warning you."
Dennis: "The day before that, my uncle fried on egg on the sidewalk, too."
Mary: "Well, it's been hot all week."
Jack: "Yeah, yeah, so he fried eggs on the sidewalk."
Dennis: "My uncle hopes it rains tomorrow."
Jack: "Why?"
Dennis: "For a change, he'd like poached eggs."
Jack: "Mary!! You.. I told you.. I asked… you. I asked him!!!"
LOS ANGELES AND SEATTLE: Neither team at Jack and Mary's game is who it sounds like. Remember, this is 1952. This is the Pacific Coast League, not the American League. Seattle is not the Seattle Mariners, but the Seattle Rainiers, a team that played until 1968 until they were replaced the short-lived Seattle Pilots major league team. After the Pilots moved to Milwaukee, a second Rainiers team played in the PCL until the Seattle Mariners were formed.
Los Angeles is the Los Angeles Angels. But not the Los Angeles Angels you know. (The ones who became the California Angels, and then the Anaheim Angels before becoming the Los Angeles Angels again). These Los Angeles Angels are a minor league team that became the Spokane Indians in 1958, after the Brooklyn Dodgers moved to LA.
The Pacific Coast League Title that year was won by the Hollywood Stars (another team that went bye-bye when major league baseball came to LA.)
JOKE: [12:00] (Jack looks for his seats)
Jack: "Excuse me, mister, but I think you're sitting in my…"
Rube: "Hiya, Rube!"
Jack: "Oh. Oh, nice seeing you again."
Rube: "Same here. Shake."
Jack: "Sure."
Rube: "Uh uh. Don't squeeze too hard. That's my milking hand."
JOKE: [13:00] (Jack meets the Rube's wife)
Jack: "Well, I'd better be getting along, the game will…"
Rube: "Just a minute, I'd like you to meet my wife."
Jack: "Your wife?"
Rube: "Yep. Honey, this is Jack Benny."
Jack: "Well, how do you do?"
Wife (sultry): "Hello, handsome. I'm very happy to meet ya!"
Jack: "Well! THIS… uh, this is your wife??"
Rube: "Yep. I ain't as much of a hick as you thought I was."
CONTINUITY ALERT: On 4/6/52, we were told that the Rube had moved away from Calabasas to a small town because he couldn't stand the night life. In this episode, he's back in Calabasas with no explanation offered.
CONTINUITY ALERT: On opening day, 9/16/51, the Rube's wife was a little old lady from Calabasas. In this episode, she sounds almost like Mae West. Sometimes I think this show doesn't take itself entirely seriously.
CONTINUITY ALERT: Speaking of continuity, Phil's allergy to alcohol sure didn't last long, did it?
DON'S BASEBALL CAREER?: Don claims to have played baseball for three years in Denver, but there's no telling how much or how little truth there is in this. Don began his broadcasting career as a singer in Denver at age 23, which doesn't leave much time for baseball. But they might have been stretching a point, and been referring to Little League ball (assuming that Don was ever little). It seems a little odd to make up such an elaborate story (making up both a place and a duration that he played) unless there was at least a little truth in it. The baseball playing Don Wilson I know was a pitcher for the Houston Astros who threw two no-hitters. Don't tell me there are two of them!?
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Nope, I just looked it up and found that Little League was founded in 1939. Maybe Don played for The Dead End Kids.
JOKE: [14:00] (Jack tries to buy a hot dog)
Mary: "Hey Jack, before we sit down, how about getting some hot dogs?"
Jack: "Well…"
Mary: "Aw, come on, Jack. You only live once."
Jack: "Gee, I… I never thought of it that way. Well, all right. Say, fellow?
Yeah?"
Jack: "How much are your hot dogs?"
Mel: "25 cents each."
Jack: "Hmm. Twenty-five cents? How come they're so high?"
Mel: "Well, it's this way. Recently the price of steel went up, so when the farmers buys a plough to raise corn, he has to pay more money for the plough. Then the cattle and hog breeders have to pay more money for the corn which they use for feed. Then the meat packing houses have to pay more money for the meat. And this price raise is ultimately passed on to the consumer. The same thing holds for the flour they use to make the rolls. So, since the rolls and the meat have both gone up, the price of hot dogs is 25 cents."
Jack: "Oh."
Mel: "I was prepared for you this year, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Look…"
Mel: "Last year you drove me nuts with your dickering."
Jack: "Look, fella…"
Mel: "Hey, don't you never buy nothing without getting sealed bids??"
Jack: "Never mind that! Just give me two hot dogs."
Mel: "Okay. What do you want on 'em?"
Jack: "Gee, I dunno. What have you got on those?"
Mel: "Everything, I just dropped 'em.
Jack: "Well then, give me two fresh ones."
Mel: "Okay, here you are."
Jack: "Thanks."
Mel: "That'll be 50 cents."
Jack: "Hmm, let me see. Have you got change for a 20 dollar bill?"
Mel: "Yeah, I'm prepared for that one too."
JOKE: [16:30] (Jack meets Phil)
Phil: "Well, hello, Livvy!"
Jack: "Oh, hello Phil."
Phil: "Taking the old man to the ball game, eh? Hiya, Rube. Hey Livvy, ain't you a little early for father's Day?"
Jack: "Phil, you can stop with those cracks about my age, already. You're not exactly a Boy Scout yourself!"
Phil: "Look Jackson, at least I don't lie about my age. I say I'm 36, I'm 36."
Jack: "A likely story!"
Phil: "Well, if you don't believe me, look at my Union Card. It says I'm 36."
Jack: "Phil, I wouldn't believe your Union card."
Phil: "Why not?"
Jack: "It also says you're a musician!!"
CONTINUITY ALERT: Phil claims he's 36, but in reality he was 47 at the time of this broadcast. Does EVERYONE on this show lie about their age??
NOTE: At 17:00, the stadium announcer (Joseph Kearns) announces that the first game of the doubleheader will be 9 innings, but the second game will be 7 innings. Are 7 inning games common in Minor League play?? I've been to a few Minor League games (but no doubleheaders), and they were always 9 innings. It must be true, though. Who'd make that up?
JOKE: [18:00] (Sammy the Drummer is in trouble again)
Mary: "Would you like to sit with us, Phil?"
Jack: "No Mary, I can't. I'm here with some of my boys: Kimich, Remley, Bagby…"
Mary: "Oh."
Phil: "Hey, Jackson?"
Phil: "What?"
Phil: "Ain't that a shame about Sammy, my drummer?"
Phil: "Yeah. When will he be out?"
Mary: "Out?? You mean he's in again?"
Phil: "Yeah. Yeah Livvy, but it wasn't his fault this time. He just happened to step into a clothing store to buy a new suit."
Mary: "Uh huh."
Phil: "Sammy tried to put on a snappy grey number, and liked the way it fit him. The trouble started when he stepped outside to see how the suit looked in the sunlight."
Mary: "Why should that start trouble?"
Phil: "Well, it was cloudy here, so he took the suit to Palm Springs."
JOKE: [19:30] (Phil wants to bet $100 on the game)
Jack: "Phil, that's too much to bet on anything. You wouldn't really bet that much, would you?"
Phil: "Sure, I would. Why once, five years ago, I bet $1000 that Alice had more money than Bing Crosby."
Jack: "Gosh, did you win?"
Phil: "I don't know, they're both still counting."
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: Pete Pavlik was a real player for the Seattle Rainiers, who hit .265 that season. Why he, of all the players on both teams should be the only one to get a call out on the Benny Show is hard to imagine. Maybe he was the only one letting Jack do his laundry. And Pete returns the favor by whacking Jack with a foul ball. There's no gratitude, I tells ya.
http://www.baseball-reference.com/minors/player.cgi?id=pavlic001pet
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Did I say Pavlik was the only one to get a callout? No. Baker, who is named in the Tag Scene, is probably Gene Baker, of the Angels.
http://www.baseball-reference.com/minors/player.cgi?id=baker-001eug And he responds to the callout by beaning Jack too! Joseph Kearns mentions a couple of others over the PA, as well.
Chuck Connors, of "The Rifleman" fame, played for the Angels that year, and he gets no callout at all, even though he never hit Jack with anything! There's no justice!
http://www.baseball-reference.com/minors/player.cgi?id=connor001kev
LIFE IMITATES FICTION?: This story of getting Jack getting beaned twice may have inspired real life violence. On August 17, 1957, Richie Ashburn of the Philadelphia Phillies, hit spectator Alice Roth with a foul ball, breaking her nose. Then when they were carrying her out on a stretcher, he hit her again with another foul, breaking a bone in her knee. And all because Jack's writers were trying to be cute. Well, Ashburn got his comeuppance. He closed out his career as a member of the 1962 Mets!
BOTTOM LINE: Another very strong episode, with several good bits, especially from Dennis, Phil and Mel.
35. 05/11/52 ROY AND ROCHESTER CLEAN (24:53)
SITCOM: At Jack's house, Roy has come over to help Rochester with the work. Roy is curious about some of the stories about Jack, and whether they're true.Jack is taking the Beverly Hills Beavers to the Griffith Park Zoo, and calls Dennis to meet him, but Dennis arrives while Jack is making the call, and does his routine. Dennis sings "Oh, Little Mother of Mine".
Dennis doesn't want to go to the zoo because he's overweight. Mary arrives in time to hear this, but doesn't need it explained to her for once. Jack offers to pay Roy for his help. They haggle about the price, and nearly overshoot each other. Mary reads a letter from Momma. Her Aunt Emily is marrying an undertaker (and without even hearing a punchline, you KNOW that must be funny).
Joey, Stevie and Butch, from the Beverly Hills Beavers arrive. Jack starts talking to them before they do the official club greeting, so they have to come back in again. Jack, Mary and the Beavers go to the Zoo. They see a lion that the Beavers think must be just like the one Jack captured when he was in Africa. Mary buys some peanuts from Herb Vigran, and for once Mary is the one haggling over the price. Jack's birthday present is starting to affect her. Mary shakes off the effects, and eventually pays 50 cents for 30 cents worth of peanuts. (A 67% tip????) The Beavers ask Jack about the days when he played Tarzan in the movies, and ask him to do the Tarzan yell. Jack says he can't because Carol Burnett has it copyrighted. (Actually, he doesn't, but that would certainly be a believable excuse). Mary blackmails Jack into doing the Tarzan yell anyway, and the results make Maria Callous sound good.
They run across Phil. Bridwell, his clarinet player is leaving the band, and Phil is interviewing a trained seal to take his place. The Beavers ask if Phil is the one married to that blonde bombshell. The Beavers get into an argument about whether Lions are more ferocious than Tigers. Jack questions a passerby about it, but it turns out to be the Idunno Guy, who doesn't know. Joey's hat blows into the Lion's cage, and the Beavers want Jack to go in and retrieve it, since he claims to be so good with lions. Although hesitant at first, Jack goes into the Lion's cage, slaps him around a bit, retrieves the hat, and returns with it. Mary dares him to try that on television.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Roy Glenn, Harry Shearer, Herb Vigran
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt, Stuffy Singer
DON'S INTRO: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's housecleaning time, and because of the size of Jack Benny's residence, Rochester has asked his friend Roy to come over and help him with the work."
NOTE: This is another edited for re-broadcast episode.
HOUSECLEANING: [0:30]
Roy: "There, this rug is clean."
Rochester: "And I've finished dusting the furniture. Come on, let's start on the next room."
Roy: "Okay, Rochester."
Rochester: "Gosh, Roy, I've got to tell you again. It sure is swell of you to come over here and help me."
Roy: "That's all right, Rochester. That's what friends are for. They do favors for each other."
Rochester: "I guess you're right. That's how it is with the people on Mr. Benny's radio show. Don Wilson does favor for Dennis Day. Dennis Day does favors for Phil Harris. And last week Mr. Benny gave Miss Livingstone a blood transfusion."
Roy: "Mr. Benny gave her a blood transfusion? Was Miss Livingstone sick?"
Rochester: "No, it was her birthday and he felt he had to give her something."
Roy: "Rochester, with all these stories I hear about Mr. Benny, I'm curious. Just how much money does he pay you?"
Rochester: "Well…"
Roy: "Come on, Rochester. How much salary do you get?"
Rochester: "Roy, you're unemployed and I'm even ashamed to tell you."
Roy: "Oh, then what I heard about Mr. Benny being somewhat on the tight side is true."
Rochester: "Well, uh… no, not exactly. You can't call a man tight just because he likes to save his money."
Roy: "I don't understand you're figuring, Rochester. If Mr. Benny isn't cheap, then why does he want to save so much money?"
Rochester: "He says money is healthy."
Roy: "Money?? Healthy??"
Rochester: "Yeah, it's green! It's got chlorophyll!"
Roy: "Amazing. Amazing."
Jack (From the Next Room): "Oh, Rochester? Rochester?"
Rochester: "Yes, Boss."
Jack (From the Next Room): "Where's my shoe brush?"
Rochester: "Right next to your shoes."
Jack (From the Next Room): "Oh, thanks. Thanks."
Roy: "Say Rochester, if you'll help me move the piano, I could dust behind it."
Rochester: "All right, but first put Mr. Benny's violin up on the shelf."
Roy: "Okay. Now, help me move the piano."
[moving sound]
Rochester: "Uh oh. Some of Mr. Benny's music fell off."
Roy: "That's all right, Rochester. I'll pick it up. Hmm, that's funny. I've never heard of this song before."
Rochester: "Oh, that's one Mr. Benny wrote."
Roy: "Mr. Benny wrote a song? Let's see this. (sings) When you say I beg your pardon, then I'll come back to you! When you ask me to forgive you, I'll…. Oh no, no, no!"
Rochester: "Wait a minute, Roy. Don't let that song fool you. It's liable to be a hit."
Roy: "What makes you say that?"
Rochester: "Mr. Benny's getting a singer to introduce it. Johnny Ray."
Roy: "He really wants to make that boy cry, don't he?"
Rochester: "I guess so."
Jack (From the Next Room): "Oh, Rochester? Rochester?"
Rochester: "Yes, Boss?"
Jack (From the Next Room: "Where's my hair brush?"
Rochester: "Right next to your hair."
Jack (From the Next Room): "Oh, thanks."
Rochester: "Roy, put the music over on the table."
Roy: "Okay. Say, that's a nice picture of Mr. Benny. Where was it taken?"
In France. Two years ago, Mr. Benny vacationed at the beach on the Riviera."
Roy: "He sure looks good. But I think those French bathing suits look better on women."
Rochester: "Well, he'll try anything once."
Jack (From the Next Room): "Oh, Rochester? Rochester?"
Rochester: "Yes, Boss?"
Jack (From the Next Room: "Where's my tooth brush, and don't be funny!"
Rochester: "Well…"
Jack (From the Next Room: "Never mind, I found it."
Roy: "Say Rochester, this is the best picture I ever saw of Mr. Benny. How old is he, anyway?"
Rochester: "39."
Roy: "Aww, come on. We're friends, you can tell me. How old is he?"
Rochester: "39, that's his real age. The other day I saw it on his driver's license."
Roy: "Really?"
Rochester: "Of course, it was a license to drive a stagecoach. Now Roy, I'm going to take this trash out to the incinerator. Will you finish the dusting?"
Roy: "Okay."
[Rochester leaves]
Roy: "Doggone, Mr. Benny sure has a nice house here. And the furniture is…"
[phone rings]
Roy: "Hello? What? Well, I'm sorry Madame, you must have the wrong number."
[hangs up]
Roy: "Well, I'd better finish the dusting. Hey, what are all these packages doing packed here in the corner. Gosh, they're laundry bundles waiting to be delivered. Say, she didn't have the wrong number! She'll probably call back, and…"
[Jack enters]
Jack: "Well, hello Roy. Where's Rochester?"
Roy: "He went out to the incinerator to burn some things."
Jack: "Oh, oh."
Roy: "Would you like me to get you some breakfast, Mr. Benny?"
Jack: "No, I'd better wait for Rochester to do it. He knows how I like my eggs."
Roy: "Oh. Well, how do you like your eggs?"
Jack: "I don't know, he knows! Anyway, I'm not very…"
[Rochester returns]
Rochester: "Oh, good morning, boss. I was just burning some trash."
Jack: "You didn't burn my copy of Esquire, did you?"
Rochester: "Oh, no boss."
Jack: "Oh, good. Good. Say, did Dennis Day call me?"
Rochester: "No, why?"
Jack: "Well, I told him I want him to come over this morning. I want to hear his song."
Rochester: "Well, usually he comes in the afternoon."
Jack: "Well, I won't be here this afternoon. I'm taking the Beverly Hills Beavers to the zoo. I'd better call Dennis."
[picks up the phone]
[doorbell rings]
Jack: "Hmm. Come in!"
[Dennis enters]
Dennis: "Hello, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Oh, Dennis. I was just phoning you at your house."
Dennis: "Oh, well hold on. I'll run home and answer it."
[Dennis leaves]
RADIO JOKE: The joke about Jack wearing a bikini on the Riviera is definitely a radio joke. Thank goodness.
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: Jack reading Esquire magazine is an odd feed line that doesn't go anywhere. What's that about?
WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON: This week's version of Jack's song is a few bars as sung by Roy.
DENNIS' ROUTINE: Dennis is studying to be a magician, so he can amaze people. He's done a trick where he swallows a needle and string and they're supposed to come up threaded, but he won't know if it works until they operate on him. Dennis doesn't want to go to the zoo because it's fattening (the monkeys throw him peanuts). Mary, who usually bites on Dennis' feed lines, knows exactly what he means when he says the zoo is fattening, because she's seen Dennis be thrown the peanuts.
JOKE: [10:00] (Jack invites Dennis to the Zoo)
Jack: "Would you like to go with us?"
Dennis: "No, I don't like to go to the zoo. It's fattening."
Jack: "The zoo is fattening? What do you mean?"
Dennis: "The monkeys keep throwing me peanuts."
Jack: "Well, you don't have to eat 'em. Dennis, run along, will you?"
Dennis: "Okay."
[doorbell rings]
Jack: "Come in."
[door opens]
Jack: "Oh, hello Mary."
Mary: "Hello, Jack. Hello, Dennis."
Dennis: "Hello, Mary. Are you going to go to the zoo with Mr. Benny?"
Mary: "Yes. Are you?"
Dennis: "No, I'm overweight now. Goodbye."
[Dennis leaves]
Mary: "Say, Jack. How soon are we going to leave for…"
Jack: "Wait a minute, Mary. Did you hear what Dennis just said?"
Mary: "Yes, when I asked if he was going to the zoo, he said no, he was overweight. Now, Jack, when are we going to leave for…"
Jack: "Wait a minute, Mary. Wait a minute. Just one minute! Don't you want to know what he meant?"
Mary: "I know what he meant."
Jack: "What?"
Mary: "To him the zoo is fattening, because when he goes there, the monkeys throw peanuts at him."
Jack: "How did you know?"
Mary: "I've seen them do it."
JOKE: [11:40] (Jack and Roy settle up)
Jack: "Roy, thanks very much for helping Rochester."
Roy: "I was glad to do it, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Now, wait a minute. Here's a $5 bill for you."
Roy: "Oh, thanks Mr. Benny, but I couldn't take $5."
Jack: "Well… here's $3."
Roy: "No. no, I couldn't take that much."
Jack: "Well… then here. At least take a dollar."
Roy: "Well…"
Jack: "Take fifty cents."
Roy: "I was going to take the dollar!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: And you wonder why Jack is cheap? Every time he TRIES to be generous, somebody talks him out of it.
NAMES FOR MOMMA: For once, Mary reads a letter from Momma without Jack making up some silly name for her. Either they were in a hurry, or it was a product placement that got cut. (i.e. "What does the So Round So Firm So Fully Packed of Plainfield have to say?")
CUT?: Mary's letter is unusually short this week, and only contains one story. It sounds like there's a cut right after the first sentence.
JOKE: [12:00] (in the letter)
Mary: "We're finally getting rid of your Aunt Emily."
Jack: "Well, it's about time, she's been living with your family as long as I can remember."
Mary: "For the past two years, your Aunt Emily has been going with the local undertaker. And next Sunday they're getting married. I'll be glad when they get a home of their own, I'm tired of her coming in here every night with those second hand flowers."
Jack: "Gosh!"
Mary: "Right now she's wearing a ribbon in her hair that says 'Rest in Peace'."
Jack: "Your mother."
Mary: "But even though he's an undertaker, he's very progressive. And he's the only one in town with a convertible hearse."
Jack: "A convertible hearse?"
Mary: "His slogan is 'Get a little brown before they lower you down'."
Jack: "No! Your mother is a humdinger today.!"
CONTINUITY ALERT: Mary's mother isn't being funny, she just remembers Jack's show better than he does. Jack himself told that same joke on 5/18/1947. It went like this:
Jack: "How's your sister, Babe? I hope she's not running around with that guy she wrote you about, the undertaker."
Mary: "Now, wait a minute, Jack. He's a nice fellow, and he's very sporty. He's the only undertaker in Plainfield who has a convertible hearse."
Jack: "A convertible hearse? That's a good idea. Get a little brown before they lower you down."
No wonder Jack liked it so much. It's his joke. But wait a minute, is a convertible hearse sporty, or is it progressive? Or both? (Or neither!)
As the 1950's wear on, and more and more energy is devoted to Jack's television show, old material will be recycled more often.
CONTINUITY ALERT: Funny that Aunt Emily has lived with Mary's mother all these years, but never been mentioned in a letter from Momma before this.
JOKE: [16:00] (Mary buys peanuts at the Zoo)
Mary: "Oh, Mister?"
Herb Vigran: "Yeah, lady?"
Mary: "Three bags of peanuts, please."
Herb: "Here you are. That's 30 cents."
Mary: "Thirty cents??"
Herb: "Yeah, ten cents a bag."
Mary: "Well gee, it seems to me that a nickel a bag would be plenty."
Herb: "I'm sorry lady, but it's ten cents a bag."
Mary: "How about making it three for a quarter?"
Jack: "Yeah."
Mary: "Holy smoke! Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Jack: "Mary? Mary? What are you laughing at?"
Mary: "You gave me one pint of your blood and already it's affected me!"
Jack: "Well, what's so terrible about that?"
Mary: "This morning I stopped payment on my mother's check."
JOKE: [17:00]
Mary: "Jack, did you tell these kids you played the part of Tarzan?"
Joey (Or Stevie or Butch, it's hard to tell them apart): "He probably didn't tell you, Miss Livingstone, because he's so modest."
JOKE: [19:15] (Phil is replacing Bridwell with a trained seal)
Jack: "Anyway Phil, I'm glad you're going to hire that seal."
Phil: "You are?"
Jack: "Yeah, it will be a novelty having one member in your orchestra who likes water."
JOKE: [20:10]
Phil: "So long Jackson, I'm going over to see the elephants again."
Jack: "Again? Why all the interest, Phil? Haven't you ever seen elephants before?"
Phil: "Not grey ones."
NOTE: One of the Beavers is played by Harry Shearer, currently known for his work on The Simpsons. Shearer has been in a couple of episodes this season already, including a role as Young Jack Benny.
NOTE: How old are the Beavers, anyway? They sound like they're about 8 years old, but they seem curiously happy that Mary is coming to the zoo with them, and refer to Alice Faye as a blonde bombshell. It's hard to remember now, but aren't girls icky at that age?
JOKE: [20:50] (Which are tougher? Tigers or Lions?)
Mary: "Boys, boys, don't argue about it."
Jack: "Yes kids, we can get this settled right now. Here comes the animal trainer. I'll ask him. Say Mister, I'm sorry to bother you, but between the Lion and the Tiger, which one is the more ferocious?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "Well, isn't the Lion called the King of Beasts?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno!"
Jack: "Well, isn't it true that the Lion is stronger but the Tiger is more cunning?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno!!"
Jack: "Well, if you don't know anything, why are you carrying that whip and a chair?"
Idunno Guy: "Did you ever see my wife?"
Jack: "Let's go, kids."
Joey: "Mr. Benny? Which one did he say was more ferocious?"
Jack: "His wife."
BOTTOM LINE: After a couple of limp episodes, this makes three strong episodes in a row. They seem to be picking up steam as the season winds down.
36. 05/18/52 DOWN ON THE FARM (19:36)
THE SHOW: Don tries to give Jack a special introduction to celebrate the Sylvania Pioneer Award he just won for contributions to radio. Before he can, Rochester calls, to say there's something wrong with the radio. Jack agrees to leave the receiver off the hook so that Rochester can hear the show over the phone.Jack responds to Don's introduction with an equally insulting poem about him. He asks Rochester how the joke went over, but Roch was away answering the door. Phil suggests that he and Livvie should sing a song together. Mary refuses, saying that every time they sing a duet, it comes out sounding like "That's What I Like About the South".
Jack asks Dennis for a song, but he's tired after his parents' argument kept him up all night. Dennis' mother thought Jack was a jerk. Dennis' father defended Jack and paid the price. Jack announces that he recently saw "Ma and Pa Kettle at the Fair", and in response, wrote a play about farm life. He tries to cast Don as a horse, but Don wrangles a part as a canary. At 7:30, the play begins.
THE PLAY: "Down on the Farm", an epic of rural life, and loosely based on "Ma and Pa Kettle Back on the Farm" (1951). Dan and Sylvia Klingenpiel (Jack and Mary) are on the way to their new farm. They meet the real estate agent, Ike Nelson, who shows them through all the rooms of the house (including the Guest Room, where the Idunno Guy is staying, in his most incongruous role ever).
Jack and Mary settle down for the night. Next morning, the cock crows at 4 a.m. Jack goes out to milk the cows. Jack milks Bossie to the tune of the Blue Danube. Mary finds a kitty with a white stripe down the back. (Since Mel is so prominent in this episode, it's amazing Pepe La Pew didn't fall in love with it). After being awoken by Mel, and milking Mel, Jack now collects the eggs from Mel.
Their neighbor, Zeke Harris, a local corn farmer, comes by for a visit. Zeke also raises tobacky, but any further discussion along those lines is cut. Their new neighbor, Ma Kettle drops by, telling tales about how lazy Pa is. Pa Kettle (known to his friends as "Dennis" drops by, and by this time, Phil is the least southern sounding of the bunch. Mary invites everyone in for lunch, and the play just kind of ends.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Elvia Allman,
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Mel Blanc, Frank Nelson, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO:
Don: "Ladies and gentlemen, as I was saying, even though I'm not a poet, today I'd like to introduce our star with a little poem."
Jack: "A poem?"
Don: "Yes. To Jack Benny: I love my boss, but he's so cheap, he always spends a slow buck."
Jack: "What a line. 'Slow Buck'."
Don: "His suits are from Montgomery Wards, his hair from Sears & Roebuck. And here he is, Jack Benny!"
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: In the old days, Sears was indeed called "Sears & Roebuck". That's still the company's official corporate name, but "& Roebuck" was dropped from the trade name of the stores some time in the 1970's.
NOTE: For the second time this season (the other being 3/2/52), Jack refers to Don as "Henry Wadsworth Fatfellow".
NOTE: Jack claims that the play is based on "Ma and Pa Kettle at the Fair" (1952), but from the subject matter, it's surely based on "Ma and Pa Kettle Back on the Farm" (1951). It sounds like Jack wanted to plug the more recent picture, and so stretched a point.
JOKE: [1:00] (Rochester calls early this week)
Jack: "Rochester, you certainly picked a fine time to call. Why aren't you listening to the program?"
Rochester: "That's why I called, Boss. There's something wrong with our radio."
Jack: "Oh, well maybe there's a break in the electric cord."
Rochester: "I thought of that, boss, so I traced it. I started at the radio, went around the baseboard, up the wall, out the window, across the driveway, through the hedge, and right to the plug on Mr. Colman's back porch."
Jack: "Rochester, I hope nobody saw you."
Rochester: "Well, just as I reached the porch, Mrs. Colman came out. So I ducked behind the hedge and meowed like a cat."
Jack: "Did you fool her?"
Rochester: "I think so, she left two saucers of milk."
Jack: "Two?"
Rochester: "Yeah, one of them had a note on it: 'This one's for Mr. Benny'."
Jack: "Good, I'll have it when I get home.
JOKE: [3:50]
Phil: "I was just going to say, Jackson, how about doing something different on the program tonight? Something entertaining, like uh, well, getting Livvie and me to sing a song together."
Jack: "Hey, that sounds like a pretty good idea. You'll sing with Phil, won't you, Mary?"
Mary: "No thanks. I sang with Phil before, and no matter what song he sings, it always comes out 'That's What I Like About the South'."
Phil: "All right, Livvie, you don't have to sing with me. I just thought that you and I might make a nice trio."
Jack: "Trio? You and Mary would make a nice trio?"
Phil: "Yeah."
Jack: "Look, let me explain something to you. One is a solo, two is a duet. Now, if you add a third person, you've got a trio.
Phil: "Oh."
Jack: "And if you add a fourth person, you have a quartet."
Phil: "Uh uh."
Jack: "Now Phil, if you had four people and you found a fifth, what would you have?"
Phil: "Throw me that lead again, will you?"
Jack: "All right, if you had four people and found a fifth, what would you have?"
Phil: "A quintet! Fooled you that time!"
Jack: "Why Phil, that's right. You're right, if you had a fifth, you'd have a quintet."
Phil: "Yeah, but they'd all be loaded!"
JOKE [4:30]
Mary: "Did you see the way his arranger has to write the music so Phil can read it?"
Jack: "No, how?"
Mary: "An eighth note is a diamond, a quarter note is a heart, a half note a club, and a whole note a spade."
Jack: "Phil, you have your music written out in diamonds, hearts, clubs and spades?"
Phil: "Certainly."
Jack: "Well, how do you read it?"
Phil: "Simple, I'll show you. Now, look at this sheet of music, see?"
Jack: "Well, that makes no sense at all to me."
Phil: "Sure it does, Jackson. Now, Take this part, for instance. You see these notes right here, one right after the other?"
Jack: "Oh, you mean the scale?"
Phil: "Scale? What's that?"
Jack: "Phil, if you want to play your music according to Hoyle, that's all right with me!
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [6:15]
Jack: "Oh, Dennis! Dennis?"
Dennis: "Yawn!"
Jack: "Dennis, what are you yawning about?"
Dennis: "I didn't get any sleep last night. My mother and father had a big argument."
Jack: "An argument?"
Dennis: "Yeah, it was all about you. My mother said you were a big jerk."
Jack: "Hmm."
Dennis: "And then my father got up and said you were a great guy and a fine example of a man."
Jack: "Your father said that?"
Dennis: "May he rest in peace."
Jack: "Now, stop being silly! Your father is sitting right out here in the audience!"
Dennis: "Yeah, doesn't he look awful??"
Jack: "Now, cut that out."
Mary: "Dennis, why does your mother dislike Jack so much?"
Dennis: "Well, she used to go with Mr. Benny before she met my father."
Jack: "She did not."
Dennis: "She says she did. Maybe."
Jack: "What was your mother's name before she married your father?"
Dennis: "I didn't know her then."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: This bit, as well as any other, shows that, unlike Kenny Baker, who was supposed to be genuinely bratty and goofy, that Dennis knows exactly what he's doing when he rides Jack.
JOKE: [7:50] (Even in the strait-laced 50's, people joked about being too strait-laced)
Jack: "Gee Sylvia, I hope you like the new farmhouse I bought."
Mary: "Oh, I know I will, Mr. Klingenpiel."
Jack: "You can call me Danny, we've been married a week now."
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [8:20]
Jack: "Look darling, there's our new home. And there's the man from the Real Estate office. Oh, Mister? Mister?"
Frank Nelson: "HOW DO YOU DO????"
Jack: "A stranger! I'm the… I'm the new owner of this house. Your name is Frank Nelson, isn't it?"
Frank: "It was Frank, but I changed it to Ike. I want people to like me."
Jack: "I see."
Mary: "Uh, this house looks like it's had a lot of work done on it recently."
Frank: "Yes, we completely remodeled it from the basement to the ceiling."
Good, good. Will you show us through the house?"
Frank: "Yes, but don't expect me to play the piano."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: "I Like Ike" was Eisenhower's campaign slogan in 1952. The last line is a reference to Harry Truman playing the piano on TV from the White House a few weeks earlier. Next year, that incident will be mentioned again, when we learn that Eisenhower had the piano removed and replaced with a putting green.
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [10:20 and 13:00]
When Jack blows dust off the stove, Frank asks if he's tried Sen-Sen. When Mary finds a cat with a white stripe down its back, Jack is if the kitty has tried Sen-Sen. Sen-Sen was an early breath freshener, that dates back to the 19th century. Wikipedia says it's still available today, but I've never seen it. Presumably, the "Have you tried…" bit was the slogan in those days. If so, it's a good slogan to riff on, but not as good as the old Dial soap slogan, "Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everyone did?" You could change "everyone" to any name you wanted. It's a shame that slogan wasn't around while Jack was on the air, as he could have gotten a lot of mileage with it.
JOKE: [12:05] (Mel plays rather a lot of animal roles in this episode)
Mel: "Mooooo!"
Jack: "Gee, that cow looks like the rooster."
FLUB: [14:10] (Don had asked to be cast as a canary)
Mel: "Oink, oink, oink, SQUEEEAALL!!!!!"
Jack: "What happened?"
Mary: "Our canary stepped on the horse and killed it."
Jack: "Mary, that line is our canary stepped on the PIG and killed it!!"
(laughter)
Jack: "Amazing, he does an imitation of a pig, Mary'd say he stood up on the cow and killed it! He LOOKS like everybody!"
Mel: [whinnies]
Jack: "Take that line, our canary stepped…"
Mary: "All right. Our canary stepped on the pig and killed it."
Jack: "Gee, that's too bad."
Don: "Peep, peep, peep, peep."
Jack: "Maybe the canary is hungry."
Mary: "He can't be, I gave him a side of beef."
Jack: "Give him the other side."
JOKE: [16:00] (The New Math)
Mary: "We just moved in here, Zeke. How long have you been living around this here section?"
Phil: "Well, let me see. I moved here in 1918, and this is 1952, that's uh, 20 years."
Jack: "Wait a minute, Zeke. From 1918 to now is 34 years that you've lived here."
Phil: "Well, we don't count the 14 years of Prohibition as living."
HARRISISM (SELF CONGRATULATIONS: [16:30] (Phil does his last Harrisism)
Jack: "You got any children?"
Phil: "Yes, I got two boys. We ain't seen 'em since they run away with the circus 10 years ago. Sure miss the boys."
Mary: "Aw, it's a shame both of them left. Maybe one of them will come back."
Phil: "No, it ain't likely, they're Siamese twins."
Jack: "Oh, twins eh?"
Phil: "Yep, they're pretty attached to each other. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh Zeke, you may not have a cow, but you sure milked that one!"
NOTE: Marjorie Main, who played Ma Kettle in the movies, does not play the role in this episode. It sounds like Elvia Allman playing the part. Dennis plays Pa Kettle.
NOTE: Percy Kilbride, who played Pa Kettle in the movies, had a history with Jack. When Jack made the movie "George Washington Slept Here" in 1942, Jack went to great trouble to see that that the film hired Percy Kilbride, to reprise the role of Mr. Kimber, the handyman that he had played in the Broadway version of the story. The this led to a decent movie career for Kilbride, including starring roles in a series of Ma and Pa Kettle movies. Kilbride did appear on the Benny Show a few times in 1942, but not in this episode. For more information on Kilbride, see "Sunday Nights at Seven", by Jack and Joan Benny, pp. 145-149.
Kilbride's last movie was "Ma and Pa Kettle at Waikiki". What is it about movie and TV series that they always have to go to Hawaii? The Brady Bunch, the Partridge Family, Gidget (although that one sort of makes sense), it seems they all do it. But I'd vote Ma and Pa Kettle as the franchise least in need of a Hawaiian trip.
Wait, I take that back. At least one franchise never went there. The M*A*S*H novels never went to Hawaii. They went to New Orleans, Morocco, Miami, Las Vegas, Texas, even Moscow, but never Hawaii. I guess the Miami trip covered that base.
Here's a full Ma and Pa Kettle movie on YouTube. If you compare performances, you'll see that Dennis' Kilbride impression was pretty close to the real thing.
OH! SOMETHING! Also HARRISISM (SELF CONGRATULATIONS) [18:10] (Dennis does his second Harrisism)
Dennis (as Pa Kettle): "What are you folks planning on raising here?"
Jack: "Chickens."
Dennis: "I wouldn't try it if I were you. I tried to raise some myself a few years ago and never had any luck."
Jack: "What happened?"
Dennis: "Bought 10 hens, they laid a lot of eggs, but none of them ever did hatch."
Jack: "How many roosters did you have?"
Dennis: "Oh, roosters! Well, I guess I'd better be going along now. Got to get home and help my pig write a letter."
Jack: "Your pig writes letters?"
Dennis: "I just give him the paper. He already has the pen and oink. Oh, Pa Kettle, you may be a hick, but…"
Jack: "Why don't you finish?"
Dennis: "Too lazy."
HARRISISM (SELF CONGRATULATIONS): [18:45] (Mary does her first Harrisism)
Jack: "Well, come on, let's all go in and eat."
Mary: "Come on in, folks! Breakfast is on me."
Ma Kettle: "On you?"
Mary: "Yes, we haven't got a table. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, Sylvia, you've only been on the farm one day, and you've got corn all over you!"
BOTTOM LINE: A slightly above average episode. The play starts extremely early, but is fairly decent. But actually, it feels like this episode is more for the cast than the fans. Everyone gets to gad around doing silly accents. Mel gets to do animal impressions, Jack and Mary get in touch with their cornpone sides, and Dennis does his dialects. A lot of the jokes don't translate to print very well, but this episode is not a bad listen. The bits before the play are all fairly strong, and even the play itself works fairly well.
37. 05/25/52 JACK PREPARES FOR HIS LONDON TRIP (21:17)
SITCOM: Jack is taking a violin lesson, and playing his usual Kreutzer etudes, while Rochester does a mini-monologue in the next room. Rochester gets a phone call, and takes a message for Jack. Jack is going to play a solo at the London Palladium next month, and is practicing.
Jack comes out and asks Jack to get Professor La Blanc a drink. La Blanc asks for his water in a paper cup, lest he be tempted to cut his wrists with the glass. Rochester tells Jack that the man from the Travel Agency called to ask about Jack's reservations on the QE-II. Jack tells Professor La Blanc that he's playing at the Palladium, and planning to play a song that he wrote. He asks La Blanc to comment on "When You Say I Beg Your Pardon". Jack plays the melody (sort of). La Blanc says that you can't judge a song without hearing the lyrics, so Jack sings them for him. La Blanc comments that since this is a romantic ballad, that it might sound better in French, which is, of course, the language of love. La Blanc tries singing it in French before deciding that it stinks that way too.
Rochester returns with the water. The rest of the cast is waiting in the living room, so Jack goes to meet them. Jack finds Mary and Don in the Living room. Dennis is away, seeing about his passport. Phil arrives, with an unconscious Remley over his shoulder. Dennis arrives, practicing his English accent in anticipation of the trip to England. Jack asked the gang over because the Beverly Hills Beavers asked Jack and his troupe to entertain at the school. Dennis tries to call the Police, thinking Remley is dead. But he's not dead, he's just Remley. Don wants to sing for the Beavers. Jack objects that he's not a singer, but Don demonstrates by belting out a few bars of "Some Enchanted Evening". Phil suggests doing a play of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears", but Jack thinks it reeks of juvenility, even for the Beavers. Mary gets a call from The May Company, wanting her back after the season finale.
Mr. Kitzel arrives, wanting tickets to the next show. He's just returned from a Lion's convention that he doesn't want his wife knowing about. Jack decides to play his violin for the Beavers, with Phil's orchestra accompanying. Don reminds Jack that they have one more radio show to do, and that the Sportsmen are in the next room with their song ready. The Sportsmen sing a Lucky Strike themed version of "By the Sea", but the Lucky Strike verses are cut out.
Dennis' mother arrives, to demand that Jack take care of Dennis in England, and get him to bed by 9 o'clock. Lucretia and Phil leave, but Phil comes back for Remley. The head of the CBS Makeup Department calls to make Jack up for the next show. Since it's a week away, they haven't got much time.
Jack wants to get money to do some shopping, so he goes down to the vault. After talking with Ed, the vault guard for a bit, he gets some money and leaves. Somehow, it doesn't seem like the end of the show, but it is.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Verna Felton, Veola Vonn
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Mel Blanc, Joe Kearns, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again we take you out to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills."
NOTE: The preceding is officially the lamest "Don's Intro" EVER!
NOTE: Another edited for rebroadcast episode.
STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN AND RADIO: [0:40]
[phone rings]
Rochester: "Hello, Mr. Benny's residence. Star of stage, screen, radio, television, and any other profitable enterprise."
ROCHESTER SINGS: Rochester sings a filk version of "I wonder Why".
JOKE: [2:00]
Jack: "Oh Rochester, professor La Blanc, my violin teacher, is thirsty, and he'd like something to drink before we continue the lesson."
Rochester: "Certainly, what would you like, professor?"
La Blanc: "Just some water, and please, bring it in a paper cup."
Jack: "Why not a glass?"
La Blanc: "I do not want to be tempted to break it and cut my wrists."
FLUB: [2:20]
Jack: "Oh. Get him the water, Rochester. By the way, didn't I hear the phone ring a minute ago?"
Rochester: "Uh huh. It was the man from the travel bureau, calling about your reservation on the Queen Elizabeth. He'd like to know if you want to sail First Class or Second Class."
Jack: "Well, how did I go last time?"
Rochester: "I wrapped you up and you went as a Bundle From Britain."
Jack: "FROM Britain??"
Rochester: "For Britain!"
JOKE: [2:45]
La Blanc: "And now, Monsour Benny, please to play the exercises again."
Jack: "But Professor La Blanc, I've been playing the exercises so much. Can't I play something else?"
La Blanc: "Monsour Benny, I am only a French violin teacher. I do not know your language too well, but this much I do know. MAY you play something else? Yes. CAN you play something else? No."
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: I commented on this in last year's notes, but my theory is that La Blanc's aversion to bad music affects his performance as a teacher, and holds back Jacks development. Of course, to learn a piece, you have to play it and play it badly a lot of times until you start to play it less badly. La Blanc is unwilling to go through this, and so sends Jack back to the Kreutzer etude at every opportunity. As a result, Jack never learns.
WHEN YOU SAY I BEG YOUR PARDON: This week's version of Jack's song is a bars that Professor La Blanc sings in French.
JOKE: [5:10] (Why Don has never been to England)
Mary: "Where's Dennis?"
Jack: "He's just in the next room using the phone. He wants to find out about his passport."
Don: "What passport?"
Jack: "Well, Dennis is going to England with me. You see, he's appearing in my act at the Palladium in London."
Don: "Oh. Say Jack, how come you've never taken me to England?"
Jack: "Well, it's a matter of transportation expenses, Don."
Don: "Transportation?"
Jack: "Yes, I checked, and it would be cheaper to bring England over here to you."
JOKE: [7:10]
Mary: "Oh, what an orchestra Phil has. A piano player who wears gloves so he won't leave fingerprints. An electric guitar that makes ice cubes, and a drummer whose bald head lights up and says 'I Like Ike'."
PHIL'S BAND: The members of Phil's band were all real people, though they rarely actually had a line on the show (their characters existed to be talked about. Members of Phil's band that have been mentioned are:
Frankie Remley: Guitar Player
Charlie Bagby: Piano Player
Sammy Weiss: Drummer
Fletcher: Trombone
Bridwell: Clarinet
Don Rice: Bass player
CONTINUITY ALERT: Jack objects that Don isn't a singer. But in fact, he started his radio career as a singer in 1923, and this fact has been referenced on the Benny Show in the past (3/6/1938).
JOKE: [8:00] (Phil's idea for how to entertain the Beverly Hills Beavers)
Phil: "Hey, wait a minute, I got a great idea. Why don't we put on a play about a story I read last night?"
Jack: "What story is that?"
Phil: "Goldilocks and the Three Bears."
Jack: "Uh Phil, you read Goldilocks and the Three Bears?"
Phil: "Yeah, it's got a lot of suspense in it. You see, this little old blonde dame goes through the woods with a basket full of…"
Jack: "Look, we know what it's about! Phil, we know what it's about, but Phil, don't you think reading Goldilocks and the Three Bears is a sign of juvenility?"
Phil: "Oh, I wouldn't say that."
Jack: "Why not?"
Phil: "Because I can't pronounce it."
Jack: "Can't pronounce it! Phil, I don't know how you get by with such a limited vocabulary. All you know are one syllable words."
Mary: "Jack, he hasn't done so bad with one syllable words."
Jack: "What do you mean?"
Mary: "Twelve years ago he said "I do", and he got Alice and half of Encino."
FLUB: [9:30] It doesn't translate well to print, but Mary and Phil both botch a line about Mary working as a summer replacement at the May company.
JOKE: [11:10] (Mr. Kitzel's wife)
Mary: "Mr. Kitzel, are you that henpecked?"
Kitzel: "Hoo, hoo, hoo!! Am I henpecked! My wife runs my house, she runs my business, she handles my money…"
Jack: "Oh, then your wife really wears the pants in the family."
Kitzel: "Yes, and I bet she'd stop already if she could see how she looks from the back."
JOKE: [14:00] (Dennis looks forward to the trip to England)
Dennis: "The first place I'm going to go is Buckingham palace."
Jack: "Well, that is an interesting place."
Dennis: "Yeah. I can't wait to see those little babies that guard it."
Jack: "Babies? Dennis, what makes you think that babies guard Buckingham Palace?"
Dennis: "I read somewhere that every few hours they have to change the Guard."
JOKE: [14:45] (Dennis' Mother drops by)
Lucretia: "This isn't a social call, I'm here to talk about Dennis. I want you to take good care of him while you're over in England."
Jack: "Oh, I will, I will."
Lucretia: "I want you to see that he eats well, keeps good company, and I want you to get him to bed every night at 9 o'clock."
Jack: "Nine o'clock?"
Lucretia: "Yes, nine o'clock."
Mary: "But that isn't fair, Mrs. Day."
Lucretia: "Why not?"
Mary: "Jack has to stay up an hour later."
JOKE: [15:50] (Lucretia Day, on Motherhood)
Lucretia: "He's my only child. He's all I've got. You know, it's a mistake for a mother to have only one child. She ought to have four or five."
Jack: "Well, why didn't you?"
Lucretia: "If he hadn't been the first one, I would have."
JOKE: [16:30] (The phone rings)
Jack: "Hello?"
Voice on Phone: "Hello, Mr. Benny?"
Jack: "Yes."
Voice on Phone: "This is the head of the CBS makeup department calling. I have my staff standing by to make you up for your television show."
Jack: "Wait a minute, I don't go on for a week yet."
Voice on Phone: "That certainly doesn't give us much time, does it?"
JACK GOES TO THE VAULT: [17:00]
Jack: "Oh yes, I have to get some money to do some shopping before I leave. Rochester, I'm going down to my vault."
Rochester: "Yes sir. Give Ed my regards."
Jack: "I will. Gee, in a way I feel kind of sorry for poor Ed. Down there in alone the vault all these years.
[footsteps]
Jack: "Hmm, the moat looks pretty full. Gosh, look at these crocodiles. They live a long time. Look at that big one. Look at that big one, how old and wrinkled he is. They say you can tell a crocodile's age by counting the rings in his tail. Let's see. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Hmm, he's only 39. Well, I'd better go on into the vault."
[Footsteps]
[Sound of rattling chains]
[Door creaks open]
[More footsteps]
[More rattling chains]
[Another creaking door]
Ed (Joseph Kearns): "Halt. Who goes there, friend or foe."
Jack: "Friend."
Ed: "What's the password?"
Jack: "Tear and compare."
Ed: "Oh, it's you, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "That's right. How are you, Ed?"
Ed: "Fine, fine. How are things on the outside?"
Jack: "Oh, not so good. There have been thousands of cases of measles in Los Angeles."
Ed: "Hmm. I've never heard of that before."
Jack: "Measles?"
Ed: "No, Los Angeles."
Jack: "Well, los Angeles is a city that's been built since you came down here."
Ed: "Oh. Nice of you to come down to visit me, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Well, this isn't a social visit, I'm here on business."
Ed: "Oh. How much money are you going to put in the vault?"
Jack: "No, no, no, I'm taking some out."
Ed: "My, this is exciting!
Jack: "See, I have to do a lot of shopping because next week I'm going to England."
Ed: "Oh, that should be fun."
Jack: "It's really a business trip but I expect to enjoy myself in the five days on the ocean."
Ed: "Ocean?"
Jack: "Yes."
Ed: "Well, don't sail too far, you might fall off the edge."
Jack: "No, no. No Ed, they proved that it's round. Well, I think I'll open the safe. Let's see, the combination is Right to 45. Left to 50. Back to 15. And Left to 110. There."
[loud blaring of alarms, sirens, and a foghorn at the end]
Jack: "Now, let's see. How much do I want? There, that ought to be enough money."
[door closes]
Jack: "Well, I better go now."
Ed: "Goodbye, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Goodbye, Ed."
Sultry Female Voice: "Goodbye, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Ed! Ed! What was that?"
Ed: "Just a figment of my imagination."
Jack: "Oh. Well, goodbye Ed."
Ed: "Goodbye, Mr. Benny."
CONTINUITY ALERT: There are other episodes where Ed doesn't even remember what a girl is, so he's got a pretty good imagination here.
VAULT PASSWORD: Every time Jack goes down to the vault, Ed asks him for the password, which is always different. The password this time is "Tear and Compare" (the new Lucky Strike slogan).
VAULT COMBINATION: The combination to Jack's vault is Right to 45, Left to 50, Back to 15, Left to 110. This never changes.
BOTTOM LINE: An average episode. A good listen, all through, but no great moments. Since the season is winding down, they found a way to work Professor La Blanc, Ed and Dennis' mother in. But La Blanc is left hanging in the study, and the show kind of drops off into thin air at the end. The Vault sequence is good, though.
37. 05/27/52 JACK PLANS TRIP TO LONDON (25:49)
38. 06/01/52 JACK PREPARES FOR HOUSTON AND LONDON (24:58)
THE SHOW: Jack and Don discuss how tired Jack is after the grueling radio and television seasons. They discuss what they're doing after the season. Jack is playing the London Palladium. Don is making a picture. Phil arrives. He and his boys are making personal appearances in very small towns this summer.
Mr. Kitzel arrives. Jack tells Kitzel how he's going to Houston, Texas for a benefit, and then on to England. Mr. Kitzel is envious, as he's an Oxford man himself. Mr. Kitzel's wife is arriving this afternoon, but he doesn't know what airport she'll be at, as she's a bit of a back seat driver. Jack notices that Dennis isn't here. He calls Dennis' house to see what's keeping him, but Mabel and Gertrude are unable to contact him.
Louis Wagner (Mel), President of the Jack Benny Fan Club, drops by. He has no award for Jack, he just likes making speeches. Dennis arrives and does his routine. Dennis wants to know if the Queen Elizabeth docks at Southampton or at Liverpool. Jack doesn't know, so he calls the Travel Agency. An operator connects him to a Travel Agent who turns out to be the Idunno Guy. Not surprisingly, he doesn't know. Jack turns the tables on the Idunno Guy for once, but not on the operator or Mary. Rochester calls, to tell Jack about the clothes he packed for Houston. Jack says he'll be late for dinner, as he's doing his TV show after the radio show. As Rochester will be on the TV show, he'll be late too.
Dennis has agreed to sing a special arrangement of "Love in Bloom" for Jack. Before he can do so, John L.C. Sivoney arrives to tell Jack about the radio gig he's just landed. When Sivoney leaves, Jack locks the door and takes the phone off the hook, so that Dennis can sing his song. Dennis sings a straight version of "Love in Bloom", and the season ends.
MISSING REGULAR CAST: None
NOTABLE GUEST STARS: Frank Fontaine
RECURRING GUEST STARS: Artie Auerbach, Bea Benaderet, Sara Berner, Mel Blanc, L. A. Speedy Riggs, Benny Rubin, The Sportsmen Quartet
MINOR ROLES: Jeanette Eymann, Del Sharbutt
DON'S INTRO:
Don: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is our final radio program of the season, and immediately following, Jack will do his final television show. This has been a strenuous season. And on the shoulders of the star of our show falls most of this burden. So, without further ado, we bring you a very tiresome comedian..."
Jack: "That's tired!"
Don: "And here he is, Jack Benny!!"
NOTE: This episode is also edited for re-broadcast.
JOKE: [1:00]
Jack: "I tell you, Don, I'm so tired now I can hardly keep my big blue eyes open. I'm really all in."
Don: "Well Jack, I know it's been a tough season, but I can't understand why you should be THAT tired. After all, you're only 39."
Jack: "Well, look Don, it's hard for a man of your age to realize how tired a man can get. Now, how old are you?"
Don: "38."
Jack: "Well, just wait until you're 39, brother, that's a long pull! Boy, will you be tired, then. Of course, the burden, Don, the burden you're carrying is not on your shoulders."
Don: "What!?"
Jack: "And how you ever got a pair of pants to fit your burden is beyond me."
NOTE: At the time of this broadcast, Don was 52. As mentioned previously, it's not just Jack, EVERYBODY on this show lies about their age.
JOKE: [2:00]
Jack: "Well Mary, here we are finishing another season. Another 38 weeks that you've worked for me. How do you feel?"
Mary: "Hungry."
JOKE: [3:00]
Mary: "Soon we'll be on the high seas to play the Palladium Theater in London."
Which reminds me, Jack, before we go, you ought to have all your clothes cleaned."
Jack: "Why?"
Mary: "That ship we're going on is kind of big and you won't be able to lean over the side and do your laundry. By the way, Don, what are you going to be doing?"
Don: "Well Mary, I'm going to be making a picture for 20th Century Fox."
Jack: "Oh, I made a picture at 20th, Don. Several years ago."
Don: "I know, and by a strange coincidence, Jack, they gave me the same dressing room you used to have."
Jack: "Oh, oh, that's nice. It's a nice one, you know."
Don: "I won't have to share it, like you did."
Jack: "You won't?"
Don: "No, Zanuck hasn't got that polo pony any more."
JOKE: [3:45] (Phil's Entrance)
Jack: "Hello, Phil."
Phil: "Hiya Jackson, hello everybody!"
Jack: "Well Phil, here we are at the end of another season. How do you feel?"
Phil: "Thirsty."
Jack: "That's funny, he STARTED the season that way."
Don: "Oh Phil, do you have any plans?"
Phil: "Sure do, Donsie. Me and my boys are making a series of personal appearances."
Jack: "Oh really, where are you going?"
Phil: "We're going to open in Burning Stump, Wyoming. And from there we go to Stagnant Water, Nebraska. Then we go to Sow Belly, Arkansas. And we wind up by playing the Debutante's Ball in Doo-Wah-Diddy."
Jack: "For heaven's sake, Phil, why do you pick such small towns?"
Phil: "My boys won't play no place where they're outnumbered!"
JOKE: [4:30] (The latest misadventures of the boys)
Jack: "Well Phil, I hope your boys have more respect for you… for your one-night stands than they have for my program. Half the time they don't even show up. I haven't seen Fletcher, your trombone player, for a couple of weeks."
Phil: "Heh, heh, that's funny you should mention old Fletch. I just got a card from him this morning. He's in Alcatraz."
Jack: "Alcatraz?"
Phil: "Don't blame him, Jackson, it was my fault for hiring a musical arranger that didn't understand my boys."
Jack: "What do you mean?"
Phil: "Well, we were playing a new arrangement, when Fletch comes to a 12 bar rest."
Jack: "Uh huh."
Phil: "Well, Fletch ain't going to sit around doing nothing, so he goes out and robs a bank."
CONTINUITY ALERT: This episode mentions that Mr. Kitzel has a stepson.
WHAT, NO HARRISISM?: [8:15]
Phil: "Jackson, I wish you'd do me a favor when you get to London."
Jack: "What is it, Phil?"
Phil: "Buy me one of them English tweeds."
Jack: "You want me to buy you a suit?"
Phil: "Yeah, but don't just take any old English suit, be sure to PICK a Dilly. Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: By this time, it's positively painful to hear Phil tell a joke like that without appending a line of self-congratulations to it.
JOKE: [8:40] (Mabel and Gertrude get in one last appearance this season)
Gertrude: "Say, Mabel."
Mabel: "What is it, Gertrude."
Gertrude: "Mr. Benny's line is flashing."
Mabel: "Yeah, I wonder what the Heel of Fortune wants now."
Gertrude: "I'll plug in and find out. Hello, Mr. Benny. Yes sir, I'll see if I can get him. He wants I should try to find Dennis Day for him. He must be lost again.
Mabel: "What do you mean again? Does he get lost often?"
Gertrude: "I'll say. His family put a tag on his lapel saying 'If Found, Forget It'."
Mabel: "Well, in a way I don't blame them. He is kind of dumb. I remember the time I had a date with him."
Gertrude: "You went out with Dennis Day?"
Mabel: "Uh huh. He took me to a movie, and when he reached the box office, he asked me if I'd rather sit in the balcony or downstairs."
Gertrude: "Uh huh."
Mabel: "I was feeling kinda romantic, so I said the balcony."
Gertrude: "Oh. And did he buy seats in the balcony?"
Mabel: "For me, yes. He sat downstairs. Lucky I got long arms or I wouldn't have had any of his popcorn."
Gertrude: "Well, at least when you go out with Dennis, he spends some money."
Mabel: "What are you complaining about? The other day you said Jack Benny took you to see a wonderful movie spectacle."
Gertrude: "Some movie spectacle. He drove out to the top of the Hollywood Hills and watched Warner Brothers burn."
Mabel: "No kidding. You watched the studio burn?"
Gertrude: "Yeah. Jack tried to convince me it was 'Quo Vadis'."
Mabel: "Well, how do you like that?"
NOTE ON PREVIOUS: This whole sketch works, except for that line about having long arms. That's the kind of absurd, cartoony thing they throw in at times that seems to go against the grain of the rest of the show. It got a big laugh though, so who knows.
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: Apparently, there really was a big fire at Warner about that time. http://www.flickr.com/photos/universalstonecutter/5121621800/ Doesn't look like Quo Vadis to me, though.
NAMES FOR JACK: The Heel of Fortune.
FORGOTTEN HUMOR: [12:00] Jack mentions that the things that happen to him never happen on other shows, like "Stella Dallas". "Stella Dallas" was a series starring Anne Elstner, that ran from 1937-1955, and was based on the 1920 novel of the same name, about the daughter of an impoverished farmhand who had married above her station in life. It sounds a bit like "The Mean Old Man", without Jack.
DENNIS' ROUTINE: [12:00] Dennis packs his phone to take to England, so he can call LA and have it be a local call.
IDUNNO GUY GETS TOPPED: [13:00]
Dennis: "When we get to England, some friends of mine want to meet me, and does the Queen Elizabeth dock at Southampton or Liverpool?"
Jack: "Well, I… gee, that's funny, I didn’t' find out. I think it's Southampton."
Mary: "I thought it was Liverpool."
Jack: "No, no, Mary. I'm almost sure it's Southampton."
Don: "Why don't you call the Travel agency that arranged for your passage, and find out?"
Jack: "Hey, I think I will. Let's see, their number is… wait a minute, I've got it right here. Crestview 7-3761."
[dials]
[rings]
Operator (Jeanette Eymann): "Hello? Transatlantic Travel Agency."
Jack: "Hello, this is Jack Benny. I'm going to England on the queen Elizabeth and I'd like to get some information, please."
Operator: "Just a minute, I'll connect you with Mr. Wilkins. He's in charge of that."
Jack: "Thank you."
Operator: "Mr. Wilkins is on the line. Go ahead, Mr. Benny."
Jack: "Uh, Mr. Wilkins. I'm sailing on the Queen Elizabeth. Does that ship dock at Southampton?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "Well, does it go to Liverpool before it goes to Southampton?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno."
Jack: "Well, does it go to Southampton at all?"
Idunno Guy: "I dunno!"
Jack: "I never heard such stupid answers. Put the girl back on the phone!"
Which one was it?"
Jack: "I dunno."
Idunno Guy: "Well, was she one of our operators, or was it one of the telephone company operators?"
Jack: "I dunno!! Now look, that girl was there a minute ago, let me talk to her."
Idunno Guy: "Okay."
Operator: "Hello?"
Jack: "Hello Miss, are you the girl I just spoke to?"
Operator: "I dunno."
Jack: "Never mind! Goodbye!"
[hangs up]
Now, where were we?"
Mary: "I dunno."
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: [17:15]
[knock, knock, knock]
Jack: "Come in!"
John L. C. Sivoney: "Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find Studio C?"
Jack: "Hey, look kids! It's John L.C. Sivoney! Hello, Mr. Sivoney!"
Sivoney: "Huh?"
Jack: "Mr. Sivoney, don't you remember me?"
Sivoney: "No."
Jack: "But you must. A couple of years ago, you stopped me on the street and asked me for a dime for a cup of coffee, and I gave you fifty cents!"
Sivoney: "Holy smoke, it's Jack Benny!!"
Jack: "Good, I thought maybe you'd forgotten me."
Sivoney: "Oh no, I tell all my friends and fraternity brothers and all my pals!"
Jack: "Your fraternity brothers? Mr. Sivoney, for a college man, what happened to you?"
Sivoney: "(singing) I'm a poor little lamb who's gone astray…"
Jack: "Look, Mr. Sivoney…"
Sivoney: "You're my pal, you can call me John."
Jack: "Well John, I haven't seen you for a long time. What are you doing here at CBS?"
Sivoney: "I'm down here for a rehearsal."
Jack: "A rehearsal?"
Sivoney: "Yeah! I start my own show here next Sunday night."
Jack: "You mean you have your own radio program? How did you get it?"
Sivoney: "Well, I'll tell you how it happened. I was just walking down the street. I wasn't doin' anything. I didn't feel like doin' anything. Just walkin' down the street. I said to myself, 'What are you doin', John? Nothin'! I didn't want to do anything, just walkin' down the street. I was standing there when a man comes up to me and says 'Hey, you'. I says 'Who?'. He says 'You'. I says 'Me?'. He says 'Yeah!'. He says… he says 'How would you like to be on the radio?' So, I said 'How much'. He said 'A hundred and fifty dollars.' I said I can't afford to pay that much."
Jack: "No, no. no, Mr. Sivoney, you see, they pay you."
Sivoney: "I know, they finally told me that. Then we started to dicker about the price. He just made me so nervous.
Jack: "Well, did you get a good deal?"
Sivoney: "Yeah! We settled for $125."
Jack: "But he started out with $150."
Sivoney: "I'm no fool, I wasn't going to take his first offer."
BOTTOM LINE: Not as good a closer as last year, but a pretty strong episode. Closing the season on a (straight) song was oddly anti-climatic. This was the last episode for Phil Harris, (which makes it an awful episode from my POV), but apparently nobody knew it at the time. More on this in next season's notes.
WHAT WOULD JACK THINK ABOUT THIS?: After doing 10 seasons worth of episodes notes for Jack Benny Shows, the thought has sometimes occurred to me, "What would Jack think if he read these notes?" Part of me would like to think he'd be flattered and impressed, and offer me the key to his vault. Another part says the opposite. Jack was a very forward thinking guy, always re-inventing himself to succeed in the present. From vaudeville to radio to TV, he was always focused on being successful now, not in looking back at what he'd done. So, part of me thinks that if the 1974 Jack saw these, he'd be thinking "This guy is crazy. Writing up reviews for things like "Miniature Women" and "Who Killed Mr. Stooge?" That was 40 years ago! I've got this act coming up where George Burns and I play statues that's going to knock 'em dead!"
BOTTOM LINE: The main subplot this season was Jack's effort to get his song published. (There was a minor subplot about Dennis having a crush on Mary, that went nowhere). The Benny Show is still a strong program. They may have lost a step, or half a step at least this season, as more and more effort is being devoted to Jack's television show. This seems to have resulted in a couple of clunkers episodes, as well as the recycling of a lot of old material. However, as the old material is usually great stuff, this is not as bad as it sounds. The show is not quite as strong as it was in the late 1940's, but is still Excellent, and the 1951-2 season is well worth listening to.