Abundance

At a certain time in our live, the ego is summoned to relinquish its identification with the values of others…Ego’s highest task is to go beyond itself into service to what is desired by the soul not the ego-complexes…This relinquishment will in the end be experienced as a newfound hitherto unknown abundance.

John Hollis, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life

According to yoga philosophy, the ahamkara or ego is the necessary part of consciousness that gives us our sense of “I-am-ness”. When we point at the chest and say, “I am…” we are referring to our awareness of being separate from others, our mothers and fathers, family members, children, and friends. Without ahamkara, we would not be able to discern where we end and where others begin, would not be able to distinguish our needs from others, would not have the capacity to set up boundaries necessary to keep ourselves safe. With a strong ahamkara we take self-care into our own hands from daily flossing and eating nutritious food to managing finances and leaving abusive relationships. When the ahamkara is too small and underdeveloped, we shrink away from necessary challenges and responsibilities, neglect our health and livelihoods, allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. We build-up our necessary ahamkara strength by working hard towards things that are challenging and out of reach, take risks to reach our goals, make difficult choices.

Due to the restrictions of culture, patriarchy, and poverty, the elder women in my family were not given a chance to develop strong ahamkaras. Their choices about how they wanted to live, what risks to take, which dreams to follow were restricted. The cost of living independently was not only economically infeasible but would have meant exile from their families and communities. The results of these constrictions to ahamkara were devastating. One grandmother’s ahamkara was so badly squashed that she lost the will to feed herself. At 32 after 12 years of marriage and motherhood she died from starvation leaving her husband on only son behind. My other grandmother fed and cared for a large extended family for more than 50 years, along with cooking and housekeeping for pay, but was unable to take care of herself well. She suffered disabling diabetic leg pain beginning in her 60’s followed by dementia not too long after. She lived the last ten years of her life in a nursing home.

Like a strong backbone which allows stand up straight and move in the world, a strong ahamkara enables us to stand up for ourselves and take the necessary action to care for bodies, minds, relationships, and livelihoods. Without it, we would not be able to act on our behalf but would remain dependent on others for things that we need to do for ourselves. And yet, ahamkara, like a strong backbone, can only get us so far along this journey. Without the opening and softening of the heart, the strong spine and ribs can calcify into a self-made prison cutting us off from the inner wellspring of tenderness and compassion which gives life purpose, connection, and meaning. Without the open heart, the pain of betrayal, the loss of livelihood, shame of failure is hard to tolerate. Unable to tolerate suffering and emptiness, the ego is driven towards more achievement or acquisitions, relationships to bear our burdens or addictions to numb the pain. With the open heart, there is an alternative. From within the suffering, the emptiness, confusion, and disillusionment, we can begin to hear the call of the soul showing us the way to live with more depth, creativity, integrity, and abundance.