Humor

True Plans for the Reston National Golf Course (below)

Golf Humor

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball - Don Carter, pro bowler

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? - Al Bolska

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

The only thing that works in my bag is the bug spray.

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to the driving range to practice slicing without swearing -- Bruce Lansky

You make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both are so rich that neither of their husbands work. -- Lee Trevino

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. -- Gerald Ford

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. -- Dean Martin

If you don't succeed at first, don't despair. Remember, it takes time to learn to play golf. Most players spend their entire lifetime finding out about the game before they give up -- Stephen Baker

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart. - Buddy Hackett

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller

I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing; 1. Keep your head down  2. Follow through 3. Be born with money -- P.J. O'rourke

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some liquor with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up liquor, gambling, golf and sex.

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

P.J. O'Rourke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies…..“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Steven Wright Humor

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

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Southern Humor

Georgia: 

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. 

He called her into his office and said,  "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you 

$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings. " 

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Alabama: 

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering 

under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back 

up the trail," the successful hunter replied." You left  Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded 

the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" 

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Louisiana: 

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied "he'd 

rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. 

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Mississippi: 

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from

the parking lot!" Bubba  replied, "Did you see who it was? "The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." 

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Tennessee: 

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"  The driver replied, "Bout whut?" 

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North Carolina: 

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and 

one behind it. Then he got  back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and 

went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" 

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the  front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." 

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You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

 Senior Jokes

Note - To see any video, single click the triangle at the center of the video picture. 

The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins. The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A man in rural Idaho wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Love Lines?

I thought that I could love no other.

Until that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

sugar is sweet and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.

If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot.

This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell.

Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

MALE & FEMALE JOKES

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men."Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please.! "

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.  "Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.  Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says,"Ticket, please."

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'A student asked, “What gender is 'computer'?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

MEN...ARE YOU TIRED OF ALL THE MALE BASHING JOKES???  

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with " A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested!

Word-play jokes  - After reading these you will feel like you have been pun-ished!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the

craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and

heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became

a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never

amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of

two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to

the  bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during

root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the

lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,

the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"

they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess

nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten

different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;

they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his

mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes

she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are

twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

And the worst of the bunch:

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small

florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from

the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was

unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went

back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go

and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the

rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in

town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their

store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.  Terrified,  they did

so - thereby proving ... Are you ready for this?! That Hugh, and only Hugh,

can prevent florist friars.

Heaven and Hell

Boat Sticker Enforcement

TWC is going to take a new "get tough" policy with owners and renters who have a watercraft which does not display

the correct Harbor Point sticker. The video below  will show you what TWC's new enforcement policy is.

Simply click on the centered triangle to start the video.

Parking Sticker Enforcement

TWC is also going to take a new "get tough" policy with owners and renters who do not park their vehicles in the Harbor

Point parking lot according to written guidelines. The video below will show how TWC will punish violators.

Simply click on the centered triangle to start the video.

English is Easy?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

4) We must polish the Polish Furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

21) I have to resume working on my resume.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out , they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the Officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP our day. We polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning.. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP for now, as my time is UP. Besides, I've got to back UP my computer hard drive. And so, it is time to shut UP! and perhaps grow up and find better things to do with my time before it is up!!!!!

Phrases for a Lexophile

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

4. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

8. A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.

9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.

12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

13. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

17. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

18. A will is a dead giveaway.

19. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

22. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

23. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

24. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

25. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

26. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

27. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

28. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

29. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

30. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

31. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

32. A calendar’s days are numbered.

33. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

34. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

35. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

36. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

37. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

38. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

39. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

40. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

41. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

42. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

43. I thought I saw and eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

44. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

45. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

46. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

47. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

48. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

49. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

50. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

51. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

52. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass"

53. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

54. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

55. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

56. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry , sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

57. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

58. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

59. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

60. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

61. Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

62. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

63. When chemists die, they barium.

64. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

65. I changed my Ipod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

66. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

67. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

68. This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, bu I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

69. I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

70. I got some batteries that were give out free of charge.

71. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

72. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

73. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

74. You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

75. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Other Fun Stuff

Subject: 38 Things you NEVER hear a Southerner say

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin’ tonight.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

04. Hashbrowns is better than grits.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

08. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

09. Checkmate.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

15. My truck don't got a trailer hitch.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

28. We're vegetarians.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

30. Wrasslin's fake.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

37. Hunting at night is illegal.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

Hopefully, you have no friends who:

1.  Spent four days in Sears looking for wheels for a miscarriage

2.  Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free delivery

3.  Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game

4.  Put iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in salary

5.  Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman

6.  Thought asphalt was rectum trouble

7.  Wouldn't go out with his wife because he heard she was married

8.  Wore a union suit because his wife was having labor pains

9.  Thought "no kidding" meant birth control

10. Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed

11. Studied five days to take a urine test

12. Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease

13. Kidnapped a boy and sent him home with a ransom note

A Louisiana State Trooper pulled a car over on US 165 about 2 miles south of the Louisiana/Arkansas State line.  When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Monroe to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.   The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. 

He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.  The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.  While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken good old boy from Arkansas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.   The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. 

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test." 

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