My Cigarette Addiction Story
Cigarettes.... one of the most addictive and destructive, over the counter drugs known to modern man. One of the few legal substances available in stores that can injure or kill when used as intended. Most rational people know this as a fact, yet many continue to smoke. Some smokers know, deep in their hearts, they want to quit. Others are quite content to keep on puffing because they think they enjoy it so much.
Why would seemingly intelligent people continue to smoke, knowing full well the dangers and potential implications of doing so? Well folks, I don't want to disillussion anybody, but it is because they are nicotine addicts. Cigarette smokers are just as much an addict as someone hooked on crack, cocaine, morphine or heroin. The folks that say they don't want to quit, because of the pleasure they derive from smoking, are not really speaking for themselves. It is their addiction speaking for them. It is that little addicted voice inside their minds rationalizing the addiction, because they know, it might hurt to quit. They know that there will be a sense of loss. They know that smoking is as much a part of their personality as being a happy person, or being a morning person, or liking to go to the movies. Smoking becomes a part of who and what you are. An ADDICT. It amazes me the number of people who smoke cigarettes who would never smoke a "marijuana"cigarette. "Oh no, thats drugs" or "I ain't no dope fiend". Sorry pal, tobacco is dope, it is drugs and if you're a smoker, you are also a drug addict and a dope fiend. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you will be able to get well again and kick those "nasty butts" out of your life. Smoking, like any addiction, especially addictions that involve chemicals, is a sickness. Fortunately it is a sickness that can be cured. There is help available. Chances are that unless you can lock yourself away for a few weeks, you will need some help to get well again. Help can be something as simple as some education, or it may be a prescription for a nicotine replacement delivery system. The most effective way to stop smoking is a combination of both. You also need some motivation, a reason to live a long healthy life. I quit smoking for myself and my family.
How I got Hooked on Cigarettes
I was first exposed to cigarettes when I was in the womb. Mom was a smoker at the age of 16. She quit school and went to work in the shoe shop like many of her peers did at that time. You didn't need an education to work, jobs were everywhere. Cigarettes were cheap and a large percentage of the population smoked. It seemed that the worst health hazard from smoking at a young age back in that era was that perhaps it would 'stunt your growth'. Mom never grew more than 5 feet tall. (Probably just a coincidence). Mom and Dad got married in Feb of 54, shortly after I was "on the way". Folks back then were not aware of the dangers and risks associated with smoking while pregnant. So many of us smokers got our first dose of nicotine thru the umbilical cord.
From my birth in Dec of 1954 my odyssey with cigarettes began with exposure to second hand smoke. Every where you went there was someone smoking. No one gave it a thought that perhaps the smoke filled rooms and automobiles might harm the ones that didn't smoke. Smoking just seemed to me as a normal thing for grown-ups to do. I fully expected to become a smoker myself someday.
Thanks to some candy manufacturer's, I was able to simulate smoking by buying some candy cigarettes. I was very careful to hold it between my fingers like a real one and put the filter end in my mouth. The end you would light, if it was a real one, was dyed red to simulate the lit end. Candy cigarettes even came in the popular brands and similar styles that the real ones came in. This helped in establishing a loyalty to a particular brand at a young age I suppose. Now that I reflect back, I seem to recall a toy cigarette that would emit simulated smoke when a kid blew through it. I guess it made me feel good to emulate something that adults did. I recall getting my first feeling of comfort from cigarette smoke when I was a toddler of perhaps 4 or 5 years of age. I suffered from horrendously painful earaches. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my inner ear throbbing with pain. I remember the sound of drumming, snapping and crackling inside my ears as the drainage from the ear infection would flow and the tissues were swelling. Inevitably I would cry out to Mom. Mom would take me in her arms and bring me to her rocking chair in the living room. She would light up a cigarette, inhale, then very gently blow the warm smokeinto my hurting little ear. This always seemed to help relieve the pain, or at least make it bearable. After the cigarette treatment Mom would put a few warm drops of baby oil in my ear, insert a wad of cotton and rock me until I fell asleep. An act of love and compassion from mother to child that meant a lot to me back then, but would probably not be considered a good thing to do in case of earache now.
I got my first actual puff on a real cigarette at around age 10. I recall a real boring afternoon visiting some relatives with my folks. The relatives didn't have any children at home. They had all grown up and moved on. So there I was bored out of my gourd, when I decided I would take a nap in the car while my folks finished their visit. that's when I noticed an ashtray with some partially smoked butts and a cigarette lighter, right there in front of me. Curiosity got the better of me. I chose one of the longest stubs I could find, straightened out the kinks where it had been crushed out, and put it to my lips. I pushed in the cigarette lighter handle , like I had seen mom do many times, and waited for the familiar click that signaled when the lighter was hot enough to light a cig. I took the cherry red tip of the lighter and placed it on the end of the cigarette butt and sucked. I got a mouthful of the foul hot smoke, blew it out, and wondered what the attraction of cigarettes was supposed to be. They tasted awful. I don't think I tried them again for several more years.Smoking Regularly at Age 12
When I was around 12, I started delivering TV Guides to homes around town to earn some money. I would always be on the look out for bottles to cash in for the deposit. I also got an allowance from my folks for doing chores around the house. It was great having some coin in my pocket to buy Slim Jims, popsicles and Beatle trading cards. One summer afternoon I was out delivering my TV Guides. One of my customers had a boy a year older than I was, Jim was his name. His parents were not home, but Jim invited me in to hang out with him and his buddies. They were playing cribbage for cigarettes. I didn't know how to play cribbage but Jim offered to teach me and even gave me a few cigarettes to get started. Well I must of had one massive case of beginners luck, because an hour or so later I was the owner of a pile of cigarettes. I was also the owner of a brand new habit that would haunt me for many years. I was well on my way to becoming addicted to cigarettes.
I didn't inhale at first, just sucked in the smoke and blew it out. One day another of my smoking buddies asked me If I inhaled. I said no, I really didn't realize that was part of smoking. He said to take a puff on the cig and then just breath it back into the lungs. I tried it and choked and coughed and got dizzy like every one does when they first inhale. But I was determined to keep it up until I could smoke with the best of them. Why didn't I take that strong hint that my body was trying to give me, that CIGARETTES ARE BAD FOR YOU. Lets face it the choke, cough and gag reflex is a part of our bodies for a good reason. It is a bodies natural defense mechanism shouting NASTY STUFF, FOUL AIR, UNNATURAL THING TO DO........ Yet peer pressure, wanting to be cool and do grown up things gave me the incentive to keep on inhaling till I got it right and became thoroughly addicted to the proverbial cancer stick.
Winstons were my cigarette of choice. I remember a childhood version of the Winston song. "Winston tastes good like a cigarette should. No flavor , no taste, just a 30 cent waste". I used to buy Winstons for my Mom at the neighborhood stores. So naturally I bought the same brand so as not to arise suspicion that I was the one I was buying cigarettes for. Even back in the mid 60s it was not considered good form for a 12 or 13 year old kid to be smoking. So we would find places around town that were out of site and a kid could smoke away from the disapproving eyes of adults. Under the bridge in the center of town or up on the railroad trestle were good spots to smoke. At any given time there was always someone there you could smoke and joke with. Sharing a cigarette was kind of a social thing. You could always "bum a cig" if you needed one or you would give one to some one else who needed one. I very seldom had to bum, as I had my own TV Guide route, and eventually went on to sell newspapers as well. Some of the guys used to steal their cigs, either from a store or from their parents. Of course I never did, being the darling little angel that I was.....
By the time I was 16 I had permission to smoke, as was common back then. I am sure my folks knew I had been smoking for quite some time, but now I could smoke in the house. I didn't have to hide it, except at school. I remember sharing a cigarette with buddies in the bathroom. Some one would stand guard at the door scanning for teachers. While the other ones would huff down a quick cigarette. You had to be quick and make every hit count, especially if your next class was way on the other end of school. I was smoking over a pack of cigs a day.
The tobacco industry loses close to 5,000 customers every day in the US alone-- including 3,500 who manage to quit and about 1,200 who die. The most promising "replacement smokers" are young people: 90% of smokers begin before they're 21, and 60% before they're 14!
Quitting Cigarettes is Easy...... NOT
Have you ever heard the joke about the smoker bragging about how easy it is to quit the habit. "I've done it hundreds of times" he said. Well if quitting was easy you would only have to do it once. For most folks quitting cigarettes is an ordeal. It is tough. It puts you through physical and mental anguish. You don't feel good when you are withdrawing from nicotine. You can get depressed. After all you are losing something that has become a part of you for quite some time. Something that has calmed your nerves when they felt frayed. Something that has helped you cope when times were tough. Something that has helped you celebrate the good times. Something that has kept you company when no one was around. Something that seems to go naturally with other addictive things like alcoholic beverages or coffee. Yes, there is nothing like a cigarette and a cup of coffee to get the bowels going first thing in the morning.
Cigarettes are great....... until they injure or kill you.
They start to do damage from the very first puff. Dry, hot chemical containing smoke and healthy mouths, windpipes and lungs don't mix. Something is eventually going to give. If it is not cancer of the lungs, or cancer of the pink mucous membranes of the mouth and larnyx, it might be emphysema related decay and clogging of the lungs. If that stuff doesn't get ya, maybe heart disease or stroke will.
We all are going to die of something anyways
Pray to god you die in a car accident or are swiftly murdered. Dying of cigarette related disease is definitely not for wimps. I have been working in a nursing home for 6 years. I have seen some wonderful people waste away and die from both heart disease and lung disease. Terminal smoking related illness is a tough row to hoe. Sometimes the treatments for these diseases that prolong your life for a while, put you thru hell as well. If your "lucky" these treatments will buy you some more time on earth. Use this time wisely. You won't be cured. But again, you may be able to "buy some time". The typical triple heart by-pass surgery can run you from $60,000 and up..... Not counting the thousands of dollars spent on tests, therapy and medications after surgery.
How Mom Quit Smoking.
It was heart disease that forced my Mom to stop smoking. She was 57 years old. She was at work one day and started to feel lousy. She went to the restroom to get herself together and she collapsed. Luckily someone noticed right away and called 911. Mom had a heart attack. She spent the next two months in the hospital. She was so sick and heavily medicated, withdrawing from nicotine was easy for her. Being in a hospital she couldn't smoke even if she wanted to. Mom was ready to quit. 3 clogged up arteries was incentive enough.
Heart by-pass surgery is not a piece of cake or a walk in the park. I will never forget the day Mom came out of surgery. Shortly after the by-pass operation I was allowed to go see her in the intensive care unit. What I saw brought tears to my eyes... made my bottom lip quiver... made me feel deep sorrow.... Mom looked like she had the living shit beat out of her. Her color did not look natural. Her body was all puffed and swelled up. She had tubes sticking in and out of her nose and various other parts of her body. She was hooked up to various pieces of machinery. The most scary thing of all was the respirator that was mechanically assisting her breathing. You could hear the machine filling her lungs with life giving oxygen and see her chest expanding as the respirators tubes flexed under the pressure. You could hear the machine exhale for her and see her chest collapse as the tubes flexed again as the pressure was relieved. All the while knowing that your Mom's breastbone had been split open so Doctors could get to her heart cavity. Knowing that your Mom's body temperature had been reduced, her heart was stopped, her arteries were sliced and replaced with ones from her legs. She was at great risk of a stroke or a bad reaction to the cocktail of drugs circulating thru her body. Seeing Mom laying there in such condition, personally brought it home to me, how fragile life can be. How precious it is. How much I would miss my Mom if she was gone. How I had better quit my own smoking habit before it happens to me. How, It is bad enough putting your self thru hell as the result of cigarette addiction, but putting your own kids thru the hell of seeing a parent laying there helpless, near death and hooked up to the eeriest sounding machinery. No, I am not gonna put my kids thru that........
Cold Turkey....
After Mom's triple by-pass I decided it was time to attempt quitting again. I crushed the 3 cigarettes I had left in my last pack that night and swore I would not smoke again. I woke up the next morning still motivated and managed to make it thru the whole day with out a smoke. The second morning I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt lethargic and depressed. My brain felt as though It was in a fog. I had trouble focusing my thoughts. I felt like I was physically and mentally ill. "How can I go to work this way, feeling like this", I said to my self. I had gone "cold turkey" a few times years ago and briefly quit smoking but never felt this lousy. Sure I had the "heebie jeebies" ,but nothing as bad as this. This is the worst case of mental anguish I have ever had. Is it because I have smoked for so many years? I had changed to the "light" brands of cigarettes several years ago. I would have thought that it would be easier to quit. Damn these cigarettes and the people who make and sell them. How can it possibly be legal to get people so hopelessly hooked on such a horrible thing. I knew the only thing that was going to help me rejoin the human race, so I could go to work and function at an acceptable level, was a cigarette....
My hands trembled as I drove to the cigarette store. Am I doomed to be a smoker the rest of my life? It is not easy being a smoker in this day and age. You are banished to huddle outside in the cold with the other smokers for a cigarette break. You have a choice, will I have some lunch, or a few cigarettes? You can skip lunch, but you can't skip a cig break. Non smokers often look down upon the hapless smoker, kind of like a second class citizen, a lower form of life. Like cigarette smokers are ignorant, inconsiderate losers.
When I lit up that cigarette after 38 smoke free hours, I immediately felt a gush of relief from my withdrawal symptoms. It felt so good to inhale that cigarette smoke and feel the nicotine do it's evil work. I felt giddy with the knowledge that my that my depression was lifting. I also felt a bit dizzy, like that first time I inhaled a cigarette. I failed again. At least this time I told my wife I was going to buy a pack. In the past I tried to hide my relapses. It sucks having to admit your lack of will power, your defeat, your human weakness. Mom was hoping that both me and my sister would quit, so we wouldn't have to go thru the hell that she did. I will try again.....
The Patch...
"The Patch", the transdermil nicotine delivery system, helped me to finally quit. I had been seeing the commercials on TV about these patches you stick to your skin. They are supposed to slowly release nicotine into your system to cut down on the withdrawal symptoms. The theory is that you can break yourself of the mechanical motions of smoking easier if you are not abruptly cutting off your supply of nicotine. The patch allows your mind to think rationally while you get out of the habit of lighting up, inhaling and going thru the usual rituals of smoking. The patch allows you to focus your mind on the ultimate goal, the goal of taking deep, full breaths of FRESH air. The goal of becoming an ex-smoker. Yes, the patch has given me a realistic chance at finally quitting the smoking habit and my family the opportunity of living in a smoke free environment. Even If I have to stay on these patches for a couple of months, surely it is better than inhaling smoke into the lungs. 35 to 40 cigarettes a day is alot of smoke. My body is going to be absolutly thrilled to be done with that huge volume of hot toxic gasses.
Where you first apply the nicotine patch, you get a mild burning or itching sensation within 20 minutes. That is the nicotine drug being absorbed into your skin. Shortly afterwards the burning stops, and you begin to get a "feeling of well being" as the nicotine works its way into the appropriate receptors of your brain. I really got a sense of how powerful a drug nicotine really is. I am not really addicted to the act of smoking the tobacco... the puffing, the inhaling, the exhaling. I am addicted to the nicotine in the tobacco. The act of smoking merely delivers the dose of nicotine that my body and mind so badly craves. I was finally able to clearly seperate the two intertwining actions... the ritual of smoking and the chemical addiction. I was given a really good chance to at last break this horrible habit. I vowed not to blow it this time.
Getting Off the Patch
One of the premises of the patch is to decrease your dosage of nicotine gradually, by going to weaker patches with smaller doses of nicotine. In essence, weaning yourself off from nicotine in increments so you don't notice any big changes. This greatly reduces the withdrawal symptoms and allows you to concentrate on a life without smoking. I remember looking forward to the prospect of taking bike rides with my children without the huffing and puffing and the breathless feeling. I felt good that my kids and my wife were not being forced to hang around with a chronic smoker any more. I could see a future where I didn't have to worry about if I could smoke where ever I went. I was excited by the prospect of now being able to afford that multi-media computer system that the kids and I so desperately wanted. I was gratified by the genuine happiness of my Mom, she was proud I could quit smoking before it was too late.
Yes... Success
Well I weaned my self off from the patch within a month, It was easier than I thought it would be. I had none of the horrible cold turkey symptons and I was broken of the mechanical motions of smoking. I was eager to stop spending money on patches and put the savings into a computer payment. The computer was a reward for breaking the cigarette addiction. And it is my solution to the problem that ex-smokers have of... "what do I do with my hands". I can truly say that the "nicotine patch" saved my life. It was the help that I needed to minimize the "heebie jeebies" so I could finally become free of the "demon nicotine". It is a product that I can whole heartily endorse as a useful tool to overcome cigarette addiction. Like any useful tool, there is a technique to its proper use.... YOU NEED THE DESIRE TO QUIT. You have to admit to yourself, you're an addict and you need help. Whether that help comes from religion, sheer determination or in my case "the patch", it is that vision of being smoke free, being healthy, and being able to take deep, clear breaths of fresh air, that will ultimately contribute to your success. Good luck with your quit smoking endeavors. Don't be afraid you will fail, Just keep trying and you will succeed.