Embedded Files
Chapter Summary: Christian Grey tracks Ana down at her job. Of course, this isn’t depicted as being creepy. And Ana’s subconscious talks to her.
The chapter starts with Ana’s heart pounding. And since Ana is a mega klutz, she stumbles out the elevator door.
Then, Ana runs out of the building like her ass was on fire.
It’s raining outside and thank God that she doesn’t complain. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why.
You are Bella Swan and he is Edward Cullen. Get that through your thick skull.
Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? I don’t understand my irrational reaction.
- Attracted to his looks? Hell yes!
- Attracted to his civility? The day that Christian isn’t a douche is the day when demons will be ice-skating in Hell.
- And let’s be honest: Both Ana and Bella think that douchebags are sexy.
- Attracted to his wealth? Yes!
- Like Bella, Ana is only attracted to a rich guy and non-wealthy guys are annoying and icky.
- Ana being turned on by Christian’s “power” is the equivalent of Bella being turned on by Edward’s creepy behavior.
Ana needs to lean against a “steel” pillar to stop her from swooning.
I valiantly attempt to calm down and gather my thoughts.
Nothing screams “strong female protagonist” like being a damsel in a Victorian melodrama.
Ana makes a point about how her “heart steadies to its regular rhythm” and how she gets in her car only when she can breathe normally.
Ana is leaving the city limits and she is feeling foolish and embarrassed about the interview.
Surely I’m overreacting to something that’s imaginary.
What does she think is imaginary? Is it the interview or Christian being sexually attracted to her?
Okay, so he’s very attractive, confident, commanding, at ease with himself—but on the flip side, he’s arrogant, and for all his impeccable manners, he’s autocratic and cold.
If a handsome guy is a douchebag, any woman with common sense and self-respect would ignore his good looks and hate his guts because they can’t forget his douchebaggery.
And we all know that Ana does not have any common sense and self-respect.
Well, on the surface.
“Bad romance novels have taught me that a handsome and controlling douchebag becomes a nice guy once he falls in love a shy and beautiful virgin.”
An involuntary shiver runs down my spine.
“I love it when a guy is an asshole!”
And yes, you ARE welcome to that image.
He may be arrogant, but then he has a right to be—he’s accomplished so much at such a young age.
Ana, just because someone is successful, it doesn’t give them the right to be a douchebag.
He doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but why should he?
Oh, Ana… If that were the case, then he wouldn’t be smitten with you.
Again, I’m irritated that Kate didn’t give me a brief biography.
While cruising toward Interstate 5, my mind continues to wander.
Ana, you need to have a brain before it can wander. And besides…
I’m truly perplexed as to what makes someone so driven to succeed.
For someone that is supposed to be the smartest person in the world, Ana is such a blockhead.
People are driven to succeed because they want to better themselves, they want to climb up the social ladder or they have a dream that they want to come true.
Some of his answers were so cryptic—as if he had a hidden agenda.
Or maybe he doesn’t want to divulge his entire life story to a blithering moron.
But since this was once a Twilight fanfic and Ana is Bella Swan, of course, Christian is going to have some secrets.
Since Ana is such a good friend, she proceeds to bitch and moan about Kate and having to do the interview.
She even says “ugh!”
The adoption and asking him if he was gay! I shudder.
Did Ana seriously act as if being adopted and the idea of someone being gay as something repulsive?
Ground, swallow me up now!
Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen.
Ana whines that “Every time I think of that question in the future, I will cringe with embarrassment.”
Damn Katherine Kavanagh!
Ana checks the speedometer and she is driving more cautiously than normal.
And I pity any person who has to share the road with such a reckless driver.
And I know it’s the memory of those penetrating gray eyes gazing at me and a stern voice telling me to drive carefully.
Fun WTF Fact: In the movie New Moon, Bella hallucinates seeing Edward while in the book Bella hallucinates hearing his voice.
Shaking my head, I realize that Grey’s more like a man twice his age.
It is because, in another story, he is a sparklepire.
Ana tells herself to forget the interview even though “it’s been a very interesting experience.”
Put it behind you. I never have to see him again.
Christian Grey is going to track Ana down and buy kidnapping kinky equipment at her job.
Of course, this is not going to be depicted as creepy.
Instead, the reader is supposed to swooning over Christian’s hotness.
Ana is now happy after convincing herself that she will never see Christian Cullen again.
She turns on the radio and turns the volume up loud. The music is “thumping indie rock”.
But since this is Twilight minus the sparklepires and cuddlewolves, Ana is listening to Muse.
Ana is driving fast and describes where she lives.
Ana talks about how “I pay peanuts for rent” and she has been living in the apartment with Kate for four years.
Ana whines about how Kate wants “a blow-by-blow account” and how her friend is “tenacious”.
I hope I won’t have to elaborate much beyond what was said during the interview.
“Talking to someone that isn’t a Sue sucks!”
Kate’s reputation as a school journalist is riding on the interview… But Ana is making everything all about her.
Fuck you, Ana.
Kate is sitting in “our living area”. E.L. James, in the U.S., we would call it a family room or a living room.
Kate is studying for finals.
She’s still in her pink flannel pajamas decorated with cute little rabbits, the ones she reserves for the aftermath of breaking up with boyfriends, for assorted illnesses, and for general moody depression.
- It is painfully obvious that we are supposed to see Kate as a whore.
- Ana makes a pointed comment that Kate only wears cute pajamas when she is “breaking up with boyfriends, for assorted illnesses, and for general moody depression.”
- In the Twilight Saga, respectable women look frumpy and they must be forced to wear nice clothes. Only harlots dress nicely.
- And in the same shitty series, if a character has premarital sex and is sexually attracted to people, they are a nasty slut that should be branded with a scarlet “s”.
FunWTF Fact: Kate was Rosalie Hale in Master of the Universe.- It explains why Ana hates Kate so much.
Kate hugs her. She thanks Ana for doing the interview and starts asking questions.
Oh no—here we go, the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition
Fuck you, Ana. I wish someone would put her on the rack and give it several turns.
So Ana acts like Kate’s questions are so difficult and whines that she doesn’t know what to say. She finally comes up with an answer.
Ana tells Kate that she is glad that the interview is over and that she will never see Christian again.
Somewhere the Volturi said the word bullshit and then faked coughing. Ana also says that he is “really young.”
The fact that Ana kept remaking about Christian being “young” is odd considering the fact that he is only six years older than her.
Ana complains that Kate looked at her “innocently”.
“Don’t you look so innocent. Why didn’t you give me a biography? He made me feel like such an idiot for skimping on basic research.”
So far, Ana has only bitched and moaned about helping her friend and acted like a martyr.
And now she has is giving her friend shit. Isn’t Ana a great friend?
Kate apologizes to Ana even though she hasn’t done anything wrong. Ana huffs at the apology.
“Mostly he was courteous, formal, slightly stuffy—like he’s old before his time. He doesn’t talk like a man of twenty-something.”
“It is because he is a one-hundred-year-old vampire.”
Yes, Christian was formal. But Christian didn’t speak like he was from olden times. It wasn’t as if he said “salutations” or “I will see you anon.”
Ana asks how old Christian is and Kate says that he is twenty-seven. Kate apologizes for not briefing Ana and she will start transcribing the interview.
They start making small talk. Eventually, Ana leaves so she can go to work at a hardware store.
Ana has worked at the store for over four years and she is crap at anything DIY. Ana does her shift and then returns home.
Kate is typing furiously on her laptop. Ana whines that she is “exhausted”.
Ana kvetches that she needs to study for finals. Kate tells Ana that she did a great job and how it is obvious that Christian wanted to spend time with her.
Ana blushes and her heart is aflutter.
That wasn’t the reason, surely.
This sentence is obnoxious because we all know that Christian is Ana’s one tru luv and they are going to spend the rest of their lives having non-sparkly adventures.
He just wanted to show me around so I could see that he was lord of all he surveyed.
Uh, no. Christian wanted to rape her.
In the unreadable Midnight Sun ripoff, Christian has a sudden urge to drag Ana out of her chair, spank her, and then fuck her on the desk with her hands tied behind her back.
Ana is bitting her lip like Kristen Stewart in the Twilight movie. Kate asks if Ana took any notes and Ana says no.
Kate says that’s fine and remarks about how Christian is a “Good-looking son of a bitch”.
Ana tries to say that she is not interested.
“Oh, come on, Ana—even you can’t be immune to his looks.” She arches a perfect eyebrow at me.
- I get, E.L. James. You want me to think Kate is a bitch and a nasty slut.
- I’m supposed to interpret “even you can’t be immune to his looks” as Kate being catty.
- What’s worse is that I’m expected to LIKE and feeling sorry for poor wittle Ana for having to deal with the evil blonde.
- But the only person who is a bitch is Ana.
- Ana has complained (very loudly I might add) about doing her “friend” a favor and acts like a martyr.
- And then to add a cherry on top of the shit sundae, Ana starts making all these catty comments.
- So far, every time Kate is either mentioned or appears in the story, E.L. James goes out of her way to paint Kate as a terrible person.
- I’m starting to think that maybe Kate is based on someone that E.L. James despises in real life…
Ana is blushing because she thinks Christian is so hawt.
I distract her with flattery, always a good ploy.
Ana says that Kate would have done a better job. But Kate tells Ana that she did a great job and Christian “practically offered you a job”.
Ana decides that she is done with this conversation and makes a “hasty retreat” to the kitchen. Kate asks Ana what she really thinks of Christian.
Ana whines that Kate is “inquisitive” and “why can’t she just let this go?”
“He’s very driven, controlling, arrogant—scary, but very charismatic. I can understand the fascination,” I add truthfully, hoping this will shut her up once and for all.
You know what… Everytime that Ana acts like a bitch, I’ll let this gif speak for itself…
“You, fascinated by a man? That’s a first,” she snorts.
“He isn’t a man! He is a Gary Stu!”
Ana starts to make a sandwich and asks why Kate wanted to know if Christian was gay.
“Whenever he’s in the society pages, he never has a date.”
Do society pages exist anymore? It seems more likely that Christian would be talked about in a celebrity magazine/celebrity gossip T.V. show or in the tabloids.
Ana complains that the question and the whole interview as “embarrassing”. She claims that she is happy that she will never see Christian again.
Kate says that it couldn’t be that bad as Christian is smitten with her.
Taken with me? Now Kate’s being ridiculous.
For the first time, I actually agree with Ana. She has the personality of roadkill.
They make sandwiches and don’t talk about Christian for the rest of the evening. Kate is working on the article and while Ana is working on an essay about Tess of the d’Urbervilles.
Damn, that woman was in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong century.
Is E.L. James seriously saying that Tess of the d’Urbervilles is a story about tru luv and seduction?
Ana finishes her essay at midnight and then goes to bed.
That night I dream of dark places, bleak, cold white floors, and gray eyes.
Let’s marvel at E.L. James’ clever and subtle symbolism.
Nothing special happens for the rest of the week.
Kate is studying for her finals and working on her last edition of the student newspaper.
And Ana is also studying for her finals and working at her job. Ana is glad that she doesn’t have to “endure the sight” of Kate’s pink bunny PJs.
And we have tedious descriptions.
Ana is talking to her mom who lives in Georgia and wanted to “check on her”. But Ana claims that she called so mom can wish her luck on the final exams.
It turns out that Carla (Ana’s mom) has “the attention span of a goldfish” and has a husband who is “keeping an eye on her.”
Translation: she’s Renée Dwyer (Bella’s mom)
Ana’s mom asks how is she doing and Ana says she is fine.
“Ana? Have you met someone?” Wow … how does she do that?
Because she is Renée Dwyer and you are Bella Swan.
Carla is excited at the idea of Ana having a boyfriend. Ana tells her mom that she doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Ana quickly changes the subject and says “distraction is the best policy.”
Later on, Ana talks to her stepdad and “Mom’s Husband Number Two”.
Ana says that she considers him to be her father and she has his surname. So Ana’s stepdad Ray is not a “talker”, watches sports on TV, and goes “fly-fishing”. That doesn’t sound familiar…
Ray is a skilled carpenter and the reason I know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw.
Leave Shakespeare out of this, E.L. James. He is a talented playwright and has influenced the English language.
Your only claim to fame is writing a Twilight fanfic, changing a few things, and making a shit load of money when it was published.
In case anyone is wondering, the words “a hawk from a handsaw” comes from Hamlet.
“I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I Know a hawk from a handsaw” (Hamlet, Act II, scene ii).
On Friday night, Ana and Kate want to have some fun. Jacob Black José Rodriguez shows up and is holding a bottle of champagne.
José is the first person Ana met at college and they have “been friends ever since.”
Not only do we share a sense of humor,
Like Bella, Ana thinks she has Wildean wit.
So Ray and José Senior are best friends and “were in the same army unit together.”
José is majoring in engineering but he has a passion for photography. Ana, Kate, and José start talking.
José reveals that the Portland Place Gallery is going to exhibit his photos next month.
“That’s amazing—congratulations!” Delighted for him, I hug him again.
They decide to celebrate. José wants Ana and Kate to go to the opening.
José and I are good friends, but I know deep down inside he’d like to be more.
“I’m like the prettiest girl in the world! All men adore me!”
He’s cute and funny, but he’s just not for me.
“I only like guys who are douchebags and treat me like crap!”
Ana says that José is “like the brother I never had.” I seriously hope that Ana doesn’t string him along.
It was bad enough when Bella was stringing guys along…
Katherine often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but the truth is I just haven’t met anyone who … well, whom I’m attracted to, even though part of me longs for the fabled trembling knees, heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies-in-my-belly moments.
“I want Prince Charming to ride on a white horse and sweep me off my feet!”
Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.
Ana, there is something VERY wrong with you.
Perhaps I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently, my ideals and expectations are far too high.
- Ana having unrealistic expectations about relationships? Shocking!
- Ana meets a handsome and rich guy. The guy is a total douche.
- But she felt an instant electric connection, so that means it is tru luv!
- Yet she rejects a handsome and funny guy who treats her nicely.
But in reality, nobody’s ever made me feel like that.
Oh shit! Ana’s subconscious is whispering to Ana.
Ana thinks about Christian and the interview. She is quick to “banish” the thought and does not want to be “going there.”
Ana “wince[s] at the memory” of asking if Christian is gay.
I know I’ve dreamed about him most nights since then, but that’s just to purge the awful experience from my system, surely.
Nope. You want Christian to bang you like a screen door in a hurricane.
Ana watches José open the champagne bottle.
He’s tall, and in his jeans and T-shirt, he’s all shoulders and muscles, tanned skin, dark hair, and burning dark eyes. Yes, José’s pretty hot, but I think he’s finally getting the message: we’re just friends.
- For “just friends”, Ana just talked about how hot José is.
- Does anyone seriously believe that José only sees Ana as a friend?
- And I really hate it when a character’s physical description reads like a grocery list.
- I like subtle character description that is sprinkled throughout the entire story.
Ana remarks how the cork made a “loud pop” and José smiled at her. It is now Saturday and Ana is working at her job.
She whines that it is a “nightmare” and the store “besieged by do-it-yourselfers.”
Ana is checking the catalog numbers with the items that the store needs and has ordered. Then Christian shows up.
Ana swoons at the “bold gray gaze” of Christian Grey who is staring at her.
Heart failure.
Ana is dead!
* Looks through the rest of chapter two. *
Dammit! Ana is still alive!
Christian refers to Ana as “Miss Steele” and how meeting her is “a pleasant surprise.”
Ana thinks to herself “holy crap.”
What the hell is he doing here, looking all outdoorsy with his tousled hair and in his cream chunky-knit sweater, jeans, and walking boots?
If a guy who I only met once showed up at my job and proceeded to make small talk, I wouldn’t be admiring his clothing and swooning over his “tousled hair.”
After he left the building, I would call the cops and file a restraining order. Because this guy has “stalker” written all over him.
I think my mouth has popped open, and I can’t locate my brain or my voice.
- Ana, you don’t have a brain. There is no point in trying to look for something that doesn’t exist.
- And your voice? It is located near to your icy black heart, you bitch.
Ana whispers his name and Christian smirks “as if he’s enjoying some private joke.”
Christian claims that he was in the area but he is so full of shit.
His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel … or something.
Just wow… Clearly, this is the best metaphor ever written in the history of the English language.
I shake my head to gather my wits.
Ana, you need to have wits before you can gather them.
Her heart is pounding “at a frantic tempo” and she is blushing.
My memories of him did not do him justice. He’s not merely good-looking—he’s the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking, and he’s here.
It was really annoying when S. Meyer kept describing Edward as being a sparkling and perfect Adonis…
Now it is obnoxious that E.L. James keeps blithering on about Christian being a studmuffin and how he is God’s gift to womankind.
Ana can’t believe that the sexiest man in the universe is at her job. Her “cognitive functions are restored” and it is “reconnected with the rest of my body.”
Ana says that her name is Ana and asks how she can help him. Christian finds this to be amusing and tells her that he needs some things.
He wants some cable ties and Ana offers to show him where they are located. Of course, she is all hot and bothered.
Ana talks about how Christian frowning “mars” his “lovely” eyebrow. Ana is so smitten with Christian that she tries not to fall over her own feet.
Ana muses (for what it seems like the billionth time) that Christian is handsome. She notices that he has long fingers and he has a “beautifully” manicured hand.
Ana wonders why Christian is in Portland and why is he at the store.
And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain—probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells—comes the thought: He’s here to see you.
Ana dismisses the idea as “preposterous” because “why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me?”
Ana asks if Christian is in Portland on business and he says he is “visiting the WSU farming division.”
See? Not here to find you at all, my subconscious sneers at me, loud, proud, and pouty.
Ana hearing a voice inside her head?
Christian selects a pair of cable ties and Ana wonders what he is going to do with them. Christian also wants some masking tape.
She asks if he is redecorating. He says no and then smirks. Ana is convinced that he is “laughing at me.”
Am I that funny? Funny looking?
Shut up, you stupid cow. Stop trying to get pity points.
Ana walks Christian to the decorating aisle where the masking tape is located. Christian asks her how long she has worked at the store.
She blushes “brightly.”
Why the hell does he have this effect on me?
- You are Bella Swan and he is Edward Cullen. Get a clue.
- And he is your designated one tru luv.
I feel like I’m fourteen years old—gauche, as always, and out of place.
- You are STILL gauche.
- Stop trying to make everyone feel sorry for you.
Ana says that she has worked at the store for four years.
Ana is so flustered that she has to distract herself by selecting two masking tapes with different widths.
He chooses the one with the wider width.
Our fingers brush very briefly, and the current is there again, zapping through me like I’ve touched an exposed wire.
It was bad enough when Ana and Christian felt an instant electric spark in chapter 1 and how it must be a sign of tru luv.
But they are feeling it again for the SECOND time?
I gasp involuntarily as I feel it all the way down to somewhere dark and unexplored, deep in my belly.
For a book that was supposed to be the hottest and the most scandalous erotic novel since The Lustful Turk was published…
It uses the unerotic description of “all the way down to somewhere dark and unexplored.”
Ana tries to find her “equilibrium.” Ana asks if Christian wants anything else and she is horny.
Christian wants some rope. Ana blushes for the thousandth time. She asks what type of rope Christian wants and his eyes are “darkening.”
Ana avoids looking at Christian and cuts the five yards of rope.
And since Ana is a mega klutz like Bella, she remarks that “By some miracle, I manage not to remove a finger with my knife.”
Christian asks if she was ever a Girl Scout. Ana swoons over his “sculptured, sensual lips.”
Ana replies that group activities are not her thing to which he asks her “What is your thing, Anastasia?”
Try to be cool, Ana, my tortured subconscious begs on bended knee.
Ana whispers “Books.”
But inside, my subconscious is screaming: You! You are my thing!
Ana dismisses the idea because there is no way he would want a girl like her.
Christian asks her “what kind of books?”
Like Bella, she gets prickly when Edward Christian asks her questions. Ana likes the classics and British literature.
This isn’t surprising since she is a Bella Swan knock-off.
Ana asks if Christian needs anything else. She remarks how Christian’s fingers on his face are “beguiling”.
He asks her “What else would you recommend?”
Ana blushes and her gaze "strays to his snug jeans.” She replies “coveralls” and Christian is amused.
Ana says that he wouldn’t want to ruin his clothes.
“I could always take them off.” He smirks.
If he takes his pants off, he will be naked. Somebody fetch Ana some smelling salts and a fainting couch!
Ana says that she must be “the color of The Communist Manifesto.”
I try to dismiss the unwelcome image of him without jeans.
Everyone knows that Ana wants to ride his disco stick.
She asks if Christian needs anything else and he ignores the question. Instead, he asks how the article is coming along.
Ana is glad that he asked her “an easy question.”
I grasp it tightly with two hands as if it were a life raft, and I go for honesty.
She replies that Kate is the editor and writer of the newspaper.
Ana also says that Kate was “devastated” that she couldn’t do the interview and doesn’t have any original photographs of him.
He asks what type of photographs does Kate want. At first, Ana doesn’t know but then asks him if he would be willing to do a photo shoot.
Christian agrees and gives her his cell phone number. He is then quick to say that she “needs to call before ten.”
Ana thinks to herself that Kate is going to be “thrilled.” But let’s be honest, Ana is happier than a pig in shit.
Paul, Ana’s friend shows up. Paul and Ana make small talk. Paul drapes an arm over Ana’s shoulder.
Ana notices that Christian is “watching us like a hawk.”
Christian is pissed. Ana introduces Paul to Christian. Once Paul finds out that Christian is the Christian Grey, he is starstruck.
Grey gives a polite smile but he is still miffed. Paul says goodbye and goes into the stockroom.
Ana asks if Christian wants anything else and he says no. Christian is still pissed off. Ana wonders what she did to upset him.
I ring up the rope, coveralls, masking tape, and cable ties.
Ana is supposed to be so smart but warning bells are not going off in her head.
A guy that she only met once shows up at her job and then he buys a kidnapping kit.
But Ana can’t stop thinking about how Christian is so sexy. Ana’s heart is all aflutter when he says her name.
She talks about how “his tongue caresses my name.” Christian says to call him if she wants him to do the photo shoot.
Christian says goodbye and says that he is glad that Kate couldn’t do the interview.
After Christian leaves, Ana says that his hotness has made her “a quivering mass of raging female hormones.”
And Ana finally (although reluctantly) admits that she finds Christian to be “attractive, very attractive.”
She has only spent the first two chapters describing how handsome he is. Even his eyebrows are sexy.
But it’s a lost cause, I know, and I sigh with bittersweet regret. It was just a coincidence, his coming here.
In Chapter 1, Ana says that Christian Grey is a very busy man and that his time is precious.
But Christian took time out of his day to drive three hours out of the way to see her.
Ana plans to admire Christian from afar. The chapter ends with Ana calling Kate so they can organize the photo shoot.
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