Embedded Files
Chapter Summary: Just like Bella Swan, Anastasia Steele is a clumsy and cold-hearted bitch who hates blondes. And E.L. James has the subtlety of a seal-clubber.
Our chapter starts with our main character, Anastasia Steele glaring at herself in the mirror.
You might be thinking “What’s her frustration?”
Damn my hair—it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal.
Having a bad hair day sucks but you shouldn’t be blaming someone for your problem.
I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission.
See what E.L. James did? She used the word “submission” in a book about BDSM.
Clearly, she is so clever and subtle.
So Anastasia Swan tells herself not to sleep with wet hair and tries to control her messy hair.
I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi-presentable.
- I get it, E.L. James. You are trying to convince me that Ana is a beautiful girl but doesn’t know it.
- This is undermined by the fact that Ana is describing herself in the mirror.
- It makes Ana sound vain.
- How many people look at themselves in the mirror and describe their hair color and eye color?
So after breaking “don’t ever describe your character by having them look in a mirror” rule, Ana decides to bitch and moan.
Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu.
“How dare the bitch get sick without my permission?“
Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she’d arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I’ve never heard of, for the student newspaper.
For a guy that she doesn’t know, Anastasia only knows:
- The name of his company.
- His time is precious.
- He is a major benefactor for the college.
- He is an exceptional entrepreneur.
Damn her extracurricular activities.
“It is so annoying that my friend has a social life and likes to do extracurricular activities."
Kate apologizes to Ana and explains that it took her nine months to get the interview and it will take six months to reschedule.
Kate also explains that as the school editor, she can’t blow this off.
How does Ana react to her friend’s plea?
How does she do it? Even ill she looks gamine and gorgeous, strawberry blond hair in place and green eyes bright, although now red-rimmed and runny. I ignore my pang of unwelcome sympathy.
Her friend is feeling unwell and she’s acting like a catty little bitch.
Anastasia agrees and tells Kate to go back to bed and asks her if she wants some meds.
Kate gives Ana the questions and the mini-disc recorder. Kate tells Ana how to record and then asks her to take notes.
Anastasia complains to Kate that she knows nothing about him. Then Kate tells her that the questions will help her with the interview.
Ana agrees to help her out to which Kate calls her a “lifesaver."
Gathering my backpack, I smile wryly at her, then head out the door to the car. I cannot believe I have let Kate talk me into this. But then Kate can talk anyone into anything.
It is painfully obvious that we are supposed to see Kate as a manipulative bitch.
But Anastasia has done nothing but bitching and moaning about helping her friend and how it is a terrible inconvenience.
So the only bitch I’m seeing starts with an “Ana” and ends with a “stasia”.
She’s articulate, strong, persuasive, argumentative, beautiful—and she’s my dearest, dearest friend.
If you were really her friend, you would be helping her out eagerly and willingly. You would NOT be complaining and making snide remarks.
Anastasia is driving down the road in her friend’s Mercedes.
And just like Bella, Ana has a quirky old vehicle.
Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I hit the pedal to the metal.
Two things, E.L. James.
- It’s either “floor it” or “put the pedal to the metal”.
- And nobody says “put the pedal to the metal” anymore.
Anastasia is heading towards Grey’s global enterprise. It is a twenty story office building with glass and steel.
The building has “Grey House written discreetly in steel over the glass front doors."
Why is it called "Grey House”? The name of his company is Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
And since it is a company, why would the name be written “discreetly”? A business name should be easily visible.
Anastasia enters the large “glass, steel, and white sandstone” lobby.
She sees an attractive blonde at the front desk who is sharply dressed.
Anastasia tells the woman that she is here to see Mr. Grey.
The blonde woman raises an eyebrow at Ana.
I’m beginning to wish I’d borrowed one of Kate’s formal blazers rather than worn my navy-blue jacket. I have made an effort and worn my one and only skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots, and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart.
Translation: She raided Andrea Sachs’s wardrobe.
Ana tries to pretend that she is not intimidated by the big bad and evil blonde.
The blonde tells Ana to sign in and where Christian Grey is located.
She smiles kindly at me, amused no doubt, as I sign in.
I swear to God, Anastasia is more paranoid than Bella Swan.
The woman gives Ana a security pass with visitor stamped on it.
I can’t help my smirk. Surely it’s obvious that I’m just visiting. I don’t fit in here at all. Nothing changes. I inwardly sigh.
Just like what I said about Bella, I don’t give a damn a whiny little bitch who complains about everything 24/7.
Ana walks past two security guards who are “more smartly dressed than I am.”
Anastasia gets in the elevator and the door opens to another large lobby that looks identical to the previous one.
And there is another young blonde woman who greets Anastasia Swan.
As Ana is waiting, she looks around the room. She is “momentarily paralyzed” by the floor-to-ceiling window with a view of the Seattle skyline.
If only Ana’s mouth could be stitched shut…
Well, at least she has stopped complaining.
A few seconds later, Anastasia starts to complain again. She looks for the questions and “inwardly cursing Kate for not providing me with a brief biography.”
Ana is one of those people who will agree or offer to help you but once you are out of earshot, they start to complain about you and how it is such an inconvenience to assist you.
I know nothing about this man I’m about to interview. He could be ninety or he could be thirty.
Here’s an idea…
Why don’t you pull out your cellphone and Google Christian Grey’s name?
Silly me. Since this is a P2P (pulled to publish) Twilight fanfic, cell phones don’t exist and people have computers with a dial-up modem.
Ana is fidgeting in her chair.
I’ve never been comfortable with one-on-one interviews, preferring the anonymity of a group discussion where I can sit inconspicuously at the back of the room.
A Bella Swan knockoff being anti-social? Shocking!
To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library.
“Like Bella, I read 18th century English literature which means I’m smart.”
I roll my eyes at myself. Get a grip, Steele. Judging from the building, which is too clinical and modern, I guess Grey is in his forties: fit, tanned, and fair-haired to match the rest of the personnel.
Realistically, Grey would be in his forties.
But this is bad porn filled with clusterfuckery so Grey is going to be in his twenties and hung like a horse.
Another well-dressed blonde shows up and Ana Swan makes a bitchy remark.
What is it with all the immaculate blondes? It’s like Stepford here.
What do Stephenie Meyer, E.L. James, and Laurell K. Hamilton have in common?
They are all shitty writers who hate blondes.
And the Stepford comment? That’s rich coming from Ana.
As soon as Ana starts dating a guy, she becomes brainless and submissive.
A blonde woman asks if she can take Ana’s jacket.
She also asks if anyone has offered Ana something to drink.
“Um—no.” Oh dear, is Blonde Number One in trouble?
Cut the crap, Ana. It’s obvious that you don’t care about the woman.
If you did, you wouldn’t be calling her "Blonde Number One”.
And here is some pointless dialogue.
“Would you like tea, coffee, water?” she asks, turning her attention back to me.
“A glass of water. Thank you,” I murmur.
“Olivia, please fetch Miss Steele a glass of water.” Her voice is stern. Olivia scoots up and scurries to a door on the other side of the foyer.
“My apologies, Miss Steele, Olivia is our new intern. Please be seated. Mr. Grey will be another five minutes.”
Olivia returns with a glass of iced water.
“Here you go, Miss Steele.”
“Thank you.”
Let’s do a writing exercise, shall we?
Let’s see if we can take this chunk of pointless dialogue and whittle it down.
I’ll go first.
One of the blonde receptionists offered me a glass of water. She gave it to me and I thanked her.
The fact that E.L. James is writing boring dialogue and descriptions that read like a shopping list gives me the impression that she heard the writing rule “show don’t tell” and interpreted it literally.
“Show don’t tell” DOES NOT mean you give everything a blow-by-blow description.
In fact, good writing strike a balance between showing and telling.
Perhaps Mr. Grey insists on all his employees being blonde. I’m wondering idly if that’s legal.
It’s violating Equal Employment Opportunity Act. And Grey should be buried under several anti-discrimination class action lawsuits.
A Black guy walks in the room so we now know that Christian isn’t a goose-stepping Nazi.
Ana complains again that she has worn the wrong clothes.
Ana remarks that one of the blondes is more nervous than her.
One of the blondes tells Ana that Christian Grey is now ready to see her.
Ana is all nervous and is told that she can go right into his office.
I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling headfirst into the office. Double crap—me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey’s office, and gentle hands are around me, helping me to stand.
Isn’t E.L. James a master at subtle foreshadowing?
Ana is surprised that Christian is an attractive young man and not some old curmudgeon surrounded by a gaggle of blondes.
He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper-colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.
- In other words, he is Edward Cullen minus the sparkling skin and golden eyes.
- This line “black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly” could have been better worded.
- Because right now, it sounds like the tie has auburn hair and gray eyes looking at Ana shrewdly.
As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static.
It’s bad enough that E.L. James will depict a relationship based on abuse and obsession as being signs of tru luv.
Now she has the two main characters feeling an instant electric connection.
What’s next? Will fireworks go off? Will cherubs start to sing?
I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate.
"It is so sexy blinking like a malfunctioning Furby.”
Ana explains that Kate couldn’t come so she is doing the interview instead.
Christian asks who she is and "He looks mildly interested, but above all, polite.”
Ana introduces herself and thinks that she saw Christian smirk. He asks Ana if she would like to sit down.
After Ana sits down, she looks around the office. She gives a long description of what the office looks like.
I’ll spare you the details but she thinks it looks gorgeous. Christian tells Ana who the artist is and she tells him that the office looks lovely.
I am so bored. Get on with the story, E.L. James.
Apart from the paintings, the rest of the office is cold, clean, and clinical. I wonder if it reflects the personality of the Adonis who sinks gracefully into one of the white leather chairs opposite me.
We get, E.L. James.
Christian Grey is a hunk and you Anastasia Steele want to bang him.
After marveling at the beautiful office and the hunky guy, Ana finally retrieves Kate’s questions from her satchel.
Next, I set up the digital recorder and am all fingers and thumbs, dropping it twice on the coffee table in front of me. Mr. Grey says nothing, waiting patiently—I hope—as I become increasingly embarrassed and flustered.
He’s probably wondering who is the blushing and blithering idiot who is in front of him.
But Christian finds Ana’s bumblefucking to be amusing. He tells Ana to take her time and has no problem with her recording his answers.
It turns out that the interview will appear in the student newspaper and this year Christian Grey will be presenting everyone with their degrees.
Ana says that he is very young to have a massive empire and asks him what does he attribute to his success.
Christian is disappointed with the question but replies that he is good at judging people and has a great team that he greatly rewards.
Christian adds that he makes decisions based on logic and facts.
“Maybe you’re just lucky.” This isn’t on Kate’s list—but he’s so arrogant. His eyes flare momentarily in surprise.
For a demure wallflower, she has no problem with being rude and insulting.
Christian tells her that he doesn’t believe in luck and he works very hard. He then quotes Harvey Firestone.
“You sound like a control freak.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
Keep in mind that Anastasia is representing Kate.
And Kate’s reputation as the school’s newspaper editor is riding on this interview.
So every time Ana insults Christian, it jeopardizes Kate’s reputation.
“Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele,” he says without a trace of humor in his smile.
Ana blushes and her heart races.
Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me?
- Because he is Edward Cullen and you are Bella Swan.
- And since this is a P2P Twilight fanfic, we must have insta lust disguised as tru luv.
Ana is drooling over Christian and everything he does gives her a massive ladyboner.
Since this is only chapter one, Ana’s ladyboner is not dancing the “merengue with some salsa moves”.
“Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things,” he continues, his voice soft.
I’m sure Adolf Hitler and Francisco Franco felt the same way.
Anastasia Swan asks if Christian feels the immense power.
He replies that it gives him a certain sense of power because if he suddenly decided to sell his business tomorrow, then thousands of people would be out of a job.
“Don’t you have a board to answer to?” I ask, disgusted.
“I own my company. I don’t have to answer to a board.”
That is not how a corporation WORKS!
Every public company must have a board of directors.
Even some private and non-profit companies that have a board of directors.
Ana asks Christian if he has any hobbies or interests outside of work.
He says that he has expensive hobbies.
Of course, Ana won’t stop talking about how Christian Cullen is so sexy.
We get more boring dialogue and Christian reveals that he is a private person and doesn’t like to give interviews.
Ana then asks if that’s the case, then why did he agree to do this interview.
Christian says it is because he is a benefactor of the university and Kate kept badgering him. He claims that “I admire that kind of tenacity.”
But considering the fact that Christian is a controlling and manipulative douchebag, he is so full of shit.
I know how tenacious Kate can be. That’s why I’m sitting here squirming uncomfortably under his penetrating gaze when I should be studying for my exams.
“We can’t eat money, Miss Steele, and there are too many people on this planet who don’t have enough to eat.”
I believe E.L. James wrote this so that we think that Christian is a nice guy and marvel at his philanthropic ways.
But let’s be honest. The only person that he cares about is himself.
Christian says it is a “shrewd business” while Ana thinks he is disingenuous.
Ana asks him if he has a philosophy.
“I don’t have a philosophy as such. Maybe a guiding principle—Carnegie’s: ‘A man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled.’ I’m very singular, driven. I like control—of myself and those around me.”
“So you want to possess things?” You are a control freak.
It’s funny how Ana seems surprised that he is a controlling bastard.
It’s like what my grandmother always told me: When people tell you who they are, believe them.
Again, this is at odds with someone who wants to feed the world, so I can’t help thinking that we’re talking about something else, but I’m mystified as to what it is.
I’ll give you a big hint, Ana. It starts with “S” and ends with “x”.
Ana asks Christian questions about him being adopted and if he sacrificed having a family for his job. Of course, it pisses him off.
Christian replies that he never wants to have children and be married.
“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”
He inhales sharply, and I cringe, mortified.
E.L. James is implying that being gay is something insulting.
As Johnny Galecki wisely put it:
Like a good friend, Ana blames Kate and “her curiosity”.
Since Christian’s masculinity is fragile like porcelain china, he is quick to say that he isn’t gay.
And Christian is pissed because the question challenged his manhood. So Christian is a psychopath AND homophobic.
Ana apologies for the assault on his manliness and frantically explains that she is only reading off Kate’s questions.
He asks Ana if she is on the student paper and she says no. She then adds that Kate is her roommate.
Christian asks if Ana volunteered to do the interview. Ana gets pissy but when she looks into his eyes she is “compelled to answer the truth.”
“I was drafted. She’s not well.” My voice is weak and apologetic.
Fuck you, Ana.
A blonde woman named Andrea enters and tells Christian that he has another meeting in two minutes. Christian tells her to cancel the meeting.
Andrea is checking him out and Ana is glad that she isn’t the only one who thinks that Christian is handsome.
Andrea leaves and Christian wants to know everything about her.
Double crap. Where’s he going with this?
Serial killers get acquainted with their victims, Ana.
Ana is lusting after him. She tells Christian that “there’s not much to know.”
Christian asks what are her plans after she graduates. Ana replies that she hasn’t made any plans and she is focusing on passing her final exams.
She whines that she should be studying right now instead of sitting in his office.
Christian remarks how his company runs an excellent internship program. Ana wonders if he is offering her a job.
She blurts out that she isn’t sure that she would fit in. Christian asks why does she say that and he smirks.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” I’m uncoordinated, scruffy, and I’m not blonde.
Christian says "Not to me” because he wants to sleep with Ana.
Ana gets ready to go. Christian offers to show Ana around but she has a long drive ahead of her.
Christian tells Ana to drive carefully because it is raining outside.
His tone is stern, authoritative. Why should he care?
Because he is Edward Cullen.
She thanks Christian for the interview.
“Until we meet again, Miss Steele.” And it sounds like a challenge, or a threat, I’m not sure which.
It sounds more like he is two steps away from tracking her down, kidnapping her and putting her in a pit in his basement.
She wonders when they will meet again. She shakes Christian’s hand and is “astounded that that odd current between us is still there.”
E.L. James, you have the subtlety of a seal-clubber.
He opens the door for Ana. Christian says he is “Just ensuring you make it through the door, Miss Steele.”
Ana snaps at him and he grins. She storms out and he follows her.
Olivia gets Ana’s coat and Christian takes the coat from her. Christian holds it up and Ana puts it on.
Christian puts his hands on her shoulders and she gasps. The elevator doors open and Ana muses that Christian is ”really is very, very good-looking.”
They both say goodbye.
And mercifully, the doors close.
Unfortunately for the reader, the story doesn’t end.
We have two more books about Ana Swan and a book from Christian Cullen’s point of view.
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