Twilight Chapter 2

Chapter Summary: Bella hates snow and deigns to remember some of the people’s names. Also, she is a crazy bitch.

Chapter 2 is titled “Open Book.”

This is a subtle sign that Bella is an open book and is superior to the other girls.

The next day was better… and worse.

For the readers, it gets progressively worse.

Bella manages not to be so emo and even deigns to remember some of the people’s names. But then she is whiny again.

Bella complains that she couldn’t sleep because it was windy outside, she got an answer wrong in class, and she hit someone with a volleyball.

Of course, this sounds like a typical high school day but in Bella’s mind, it’s THE WORST DAY EVER.

And it was worse because Edward Cullen wasn’t in school at all.

Perhaps he is filing a restraining order against the creepy girl who stares at him.

All morning I was dreading lunch, fearing his bizarre glares. Part of me wanted to confront him and demand to know what his problem was.

If I were in his shoes, I’d do the same. She stared at him during the entire lunch period.

Then she spends an entire biology class sniffing herself and leering at him. Finally, she complains about how he doesn’t like her.

Bella is two steps away from kidnapping Edward Cullen and chaining him to the wall.

While I was lying sleepless in my bed, I even imagined what I would say.

But I knew myself too well to think I would really have the guts to do it. I made the Cowardly Lion look like the terminator.

This is supposed to be a moment of self-deprecation that makes us think that Bella is a humble person but announcing that you are a coward won’t earn you any praise.

And “terminator” is supposed to be capitalized.

Bella notices that Edward’s siblings are sitting without him and waits for Edward to show up. It’s creepy that Bella is obsessing about Edward because:

1. He’s rich
2. He’s hot

She wangsts and whines because ONE guy doesn’t like her.

A SANE person would say “It’s his problem” and ignore him. A crazy stalker would be obsessing about the guy and wondering why he doesn’t luv them.

I’m surprised that Bella hasn’t carved Edward Cullen’s initials into her thighs.

I walked to Biology with more confidence when, by the end of lunch, he still hadn’t showed. Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class.

Bella only wants a guy that treats her like crap. A nice and polite guy is being compared to a dog.

We are supposed to see Bella as a victim of all this unwanted attention.

A better writer would make Bella appreciative of Mike’s kindness but is feeling awkward because she isn’t sexually attracted to him.

Bella is still looking for Edward and Mike tells her about an upcoming trip to the beach.

He lingered by my desk till the bell rang. Then he smiled at me wistfully and went to sit by a girl with braces and a bad perm.

Wow.

Mike is only worthy to date the “ugly girl” not the creepy, klutzy, plain, and gold-digging bitch who considers herself to be royalty because she comes from Phoenix.

It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn’t be easy.

“I need cement and a lake to hide the body.“

I had never been enormously tactful; I had no practice dealing with overly friendly boys.

Unless they are hot and rich, then she is amicable and courteous.

But I couldn’t get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn’t there. It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn’t stop worrying that it was true.

Even though Bella has never talked to Edward, she believes that she has the ability to drive him out of town.

She has an ego the size of Jupiter.

After changing into some new clothes and evading her “retriever friend”, Bella returns home.

Bella claims that Charlie can only cook “fried eggs and bacon" and has “no food in the house.”

1. Since Charlie is a MAN, he can’t cook. Because in S. Meyer’s mind, that is a woman’s job.
2. Even people who can’t cook have some food in their house. And Charlie doesn’t even have some microwave dinners in the freezer.
3. It seems more plausible that Charlie has food that Bella doesn’t like.
4. This is so moronic that the movie adaptation needed to create an explanation in order to make some sense.
5. It turns out that Charlie always eats at a restaurant and therefore doesn’t need to keep food in the house.

I saw the two Cullens and the Hale twins getting into their car. It was the shiny new Volvo. Of course.

What has given Meyer the impression that a Volvo is a luxury vehicle?

A luxury vehicle would be a Rolls Royce, a Bentley, or an Aston Martin.

Bella proceeds to stares at the Cullens even though she has complained when people have gawked at her.

Of course, they are wearing designer clothes and are so hot that they set rain on fire. She remarks that it “seemed excessive for them to have both looks and money.”

But as far as I could tell, life worked that way most of the time. It didn’t look as if it bought them any acceptance here.

It MUST be the fault of the filthy peasants that the Cullens aren’t accepted and are the town pariahs.

It couldn’t possibly be that the Cullens are aloof, secretive, and act like a cult.

No, I didn’t fully believe that. The isolation must be their desire; I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty.

Bella’s puny brain can’t grasp the concept that personality trumps beauty and money.

If you are a gorgeous and rich asshole, you’re still an asshole. And people will ignore your beauty and hate your guts because they can’t forget your assholiness.

And Bella is only infatuated with the Cullens because they are beautiful and rich. So it’s not shocking that she believes the only things that matters are beauty and wealth.

The Thriftway was not far from the school, just a few streets south, off the highway. It was nice to be inside the supermarket; it felt normal.

Of course, Bella is the smartest and mature member of her family. Her dad can’t toast bread and her mom is dumber than a box of rocks.

She only looks wise and mature in comparison to a hermit and a twit.

Like a Stepford wife in training, she loves to go food shopping.

The store was big enough inside that I couldn’t hear the tapping of the rain on the roof to remind me where I was.

I’m sure they insulated the ceiling for Bella.

She goes home, starts cooking and then checks her emails. Apparently, Bella doesn’t have any friends because the only person writing to her is her mother.

Write me as soon as you get in. Tell me how your flight was.

Don’t tell Bella that. She’ll give you a blow-by-blow-description.

I miss you already.

I find it hard to believe that anyone would miss Bella. Within the first two chapters, Bella has shown us many personal defects but no virtues.

If I was Charlie, I’d have Bella play Russian Roulette with all the chambers loaded…

I’m almost finished packing for Florida, but I can’t find my pink blouse. Do you know where I put it? Phil says hi. Mom.

What a real knee slapper! Bella’s mom is such an adorable ditz! It’s absolutely hilarious!

I sighed and went to the next. It was sent eight hours after the first.

Parental worry is such a drag. Why should someone worry about their daughter traveling to a different state all by herself?

If I haven’t heard from you by 5:30 p.m. today I’m calling Charlie.

Bella should be grateful that someone cares about her. In real life, it would require brainwashing.

Everything is great. Of course, it’s raining. I was waiting for something to write about. School isn’t bad, just a little repetitive. I met some nice kids who sit by me at lunch.

“I’m stalking the rich boy, whining about how my life sucks and sneering at the filthy peasants.”

Your blouse is at the dry cleaners - you were supposed to pick it up Friday.

Clearly, this is hysterical.

I miss you, too. I’ll write again soon, but I’m not going to check my e-mail every five minutes.

It wouldn’t be an issue if she just checked her emails daily like most people.

“Bella?” my father called out when he heard me on the stairs. Who else? I thought to myself.

Perhaps he was hoping a genial robber had broken in and he could have a pleasant conversation.

I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.

Maybe Charlie is secretly hoping that these assumptions are wrong.

He seemed to feel awkward standing in the kitchen doing nothing; he lumbered into the living room to watch TV while I worked. We were both more comfortable that way.

Of course, he feels awkward. His daughter is anti-social, doesn’t respect him (for instance: she refuses to call him Dad), and sees him as a gift dispenser.

We ate in silence for a few minutes. It wasn’t uncomfortable. Neither of us was bothered by the quiet. In some ways, we were well suited for living together.

1. Both of them hate to talk.
2. But Bella is the only one who whines, hates people, and views themselves as the center of the universe.
3. Or Charlie is able to conceal his douchebaggery.

“So, how did you like school? Have you made any friends?” he asked as he was taking seconds.

Surely you jest! Bella has no need for friends! She only wants adoring fans and sycophants to blow smoke up her ass.

“Well, I have a few classes with a girl named Jessica. I sit with her friends at lunch. And there’s this boy, Mike, who’s very friendly. Everybody seems pretty nice.”

Translation: she doesn’t have any friends. She has acquaintances and a “friendly” guy that she detests even though he’s been perfectly nice to her.

With one outstanding exception.

“The rich and sexy boy is giving me the cold shoulder! My life sucks!”

“Do you know the Cullen family?” I asked hesitantly.

This is a small town and everyone knows everybody. And the Cullen patriarch is the local doctor.

“They… the kids… are a little different. They don’t seem to fit in very well at school.”

“It couldn’t possibly be that they are antisocial and standoffish.”

Charlie is pissed that people don’t adore the awesomeness that is the Cullens. He has drunk the Kool-Aid.

Apparently, Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon and his kids are well-behaved and polite.

I haven’t had one speck of trouble from any of them.

Because delinquency is the only sign of any trouble.

They could be torturing small animals or murdering people and hiding the dismembered corpses underneath the floorboards…

But they would still be awesome people in Charlie’s eyes because they have never been arrested.

“And they stick together the way a family should — camping trips every other weekend…”

Charlie’s definition of “sticking together like a family should” involves not having a life outside your family. And you have no friends or hobbies.

Yeah, that sounds healthy. There’s a better explanation of this kind of attitude at Stoney321’s blog. Apparently, S. Meyer believes Family is Everything™.

While I believe family is important, it’s creepy when you don’t want to have any relationships OUTSIDE the family.

Are we supposed to believe that a man who has rarely seen his daughter in the past thinks that an unhealthy and borderline incestuous relationship is ideal for a family? Um….

I’m going to stop talking about this before it gets even more creepy.

“Just because they’re newcomers, people have to talk.”

Anyone would talk about a family that is weird and unsociable. Especially since they DATE EACH OTHER.

It is not incest but it seems like it when they don’t spend time with anyone outside the family. And the Cullens have been in Forks for a few years so they are no longer newcomers.

“You should see the doctor,” Charlie said, laughing. “It’s a good thing he’s happily married. A lot of the nurses at the hospital have a hard time concentrating on their work with him around.”

Doc is normal socially so why are his “children” acting like freaks?

So for the rest of the week, Bella is a klutz at gym and is trying not to remember the other students’ name. And every single day, Bella is hoping that Eddy shows up.

By Friday I was perfectly comfortable entering my Biology class, no longer worried that Edward would be there.

Yay! Now she can spend time doing classwork instead of sniffing herself and wangsting about Edward.

I tried not to think about him, but I couldn’t totally suppress the worry that I was responsible for his continued absence, ridiculous as it seemed.

Why does she care? Bella doesn’t know the guy or his family and he seems to hate her for no reason. A normal girl would shrug, say “he has a problem”, and forget about it.

My first weekend in Forks passed without incident. Charlie, unused to spending time in the usually empty house, worked most of the weekend. I cleaned the house, got ahead on my homework, and wrote my mom more bogusly cheerful e-mail.

Despite throwing a temper tantrum every time things didn’t go her way and whining about her life sucks living in Forks, Bella is a saintly girl who doesn’t want Mommy Dearest to worry.

I did drive to the library Saturday, but it was so poorly stocked that I didn’t bother to get a card; I would have to make a date to visit Olympia or Seattle soon and find a good bookstore.

This is Meyer’s oh so subtle way of telling us how smart Bella is. She reads books and the local library is unworthy of her brilliant mind.

After finding everyone in the town to be utter imbeciles and illiterate, she’s merrily skipping to school. It’s not long before Bella starts whining again.

I looked at the little cotton fluffs that were building up along the sidewalk and swirling erratically past my face. “Ew.” Snow. There went my good day.

Children in the USA pray for snow and many people in warmer climes WISH they had snow.

The paradise on Earth that is called Phoenix doesn’t get any snow. Therefore it is gross.

“I wish I were in Phoenix.”

So Bella whines about how icky the snow is. A snowball fight happens and Bella flees into the cafeteria.

Everyone else is excited about the snow. Bella keeps on whining. During lunch, she sees Edward Cullen.

Bella is going to drink some soda because she is sick. Mike asks how she is feeling with “unnecessary concern.” Fuck you, Bella.

She thinks about skipping class and going to the nurse’s office.

Ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to run away. I decided to permit myself one glance at the Cullen family’s table. If he was glaring at me, I would skip Biology, like the coward I was.

Yeah, she’s a coward. Tell us something we don’t know.

I kept my head down and glanced up under my lashes. None of them were looking this way. I lifted my head a little.

Why would they? They have no reason to be paying attention to her.

The creepy family has gotten into a snowball fight. Because they are Sues, they look more gorgeous than everyone else even when they are wet.

Bella is so drooling over the Cullens and one of her acquaintances asks her what she is staring at.

I dropped my head, letting my hair fall to conceal my face.

After all, looking like Samara from The Ring is so alluring and not creepy.

"I luv you, Eddy.”

Bella says that when Edward looked at her “he didn’t look harsh or unfriendly as he had the last time I’d seen him.”

He looked merely curious again, unsatisfied in some way.

And “unsatisfied” means he is lusting after her body blood.

Jessica notices that Edward is staring at Bella.

“I don’t think he likes me,” I confided. I still felt queasy. I put my head down on my arm.

If Bella was more melodramatic, she would have swooned on the spot like a maiden in a Victorian melodrama.

Jessica points out that the Cullens don’t like anyone but Edward is still staring at Bella.

Bella "hissed” at Jessica to stop looking at Eddy. Jessica snickers but she looks away.

I raised my head enough to make sure that she did, contemplating violence if she resisted.

Bella has no problem with pummeling someone because they were looking at a guy.

This guy is the same person who has been repulsed by Bella and gave her the cold shoulder…

But that doesn’t stop Bella from lusting after him and scheming how to be a member of the cult family. As Sheldon Cooper would say:

Mike then chimes in. He is planning on a snowball fight in the parking lot after school. Jessica agrees.

And since Bella needs to be a bitch like people need air to breathe, she remarks: “The way she looked at Mike left little doubt that she would be up for anything he suggested.”

It is painfully obvious that we are supposed to view Jessica as a Jezebel.

Because in the Twilight universe, all of the “good” characters are asexual except for their one tru luv.

If a character has premarital sex and is sexually attracted to people, they are a nasty slut that should be branded with a scarlet “s”.

Bella decides to hide in the gym until the parking lot is cleared. And since Edward doesn’t look angry, she is going to Biology class.

Bella doesn’t want to walk to class with Mike (how shocking!) She claims “he seemed to be a popular target for the snowball snipers.”

If only Bella would be pelted with snowballs. No, scratch that. With rocks.

It starts to rain, washing the snow away. Of course, Bella is “secretly pleased.”

“Hello,” said a quiet, musical voice.

For once, I would like a vampire to sound like Mickey Mouse. Bella is shocked that Edward is talking to her.

She is drooling over Edward. Bella describes him as looking like “he’d just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel” and having “flawless lips”.

Edward introduces himself. And since Bella has a massive lady boner, his politeness confuses her.

Had I made up the whole thing? He was perfectly polite now.

In a better vampire novel, this is a sign that Bella will be found lying in the gutter with holes in her neck.

But in this story, it means Edward is besotted with Bella.

“Oh, I think everyone knows your name. The whole town’s been waiting for you to arrive.”

Riiight. Everyone would be waiting with bated breath for the arrival of the police chief’s sullen and whiny daughter.

And of course, Bella has done this lab before and knows everything.

Sparkledouche wants to look into the microscope.

His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class.

Why is Bella so fucking stupid? Having cold fingers is more than MILDLY PECULIAR.

And since sparklepires are rock hard, how come she doesn’t notice that?

But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.

It is bad enough that two characters lusting and obsessing about each other… And this is being depicted as a sign of tru luv.

But now they felt an instant electric connection. What’s next? Will fireworks go off? Will cherubs start to sing?

They are still looking at the slides and for some odd reason, Bell is upset that Edward got one of the phases right.

I would have written it while he looked, but his clear, elegant script intimidated me.

We get it. Like Mary Poppins, he is practically perfect in every way.

And since Edward and Bella are smarter than Einstein, they finish the lab. Mike and the rest of the filthy peasants are still working and cheating off each other.

This gives Bella more time to stare at Edward. She notices that his eyes are different. They used to be black but now they are “ocher.”

Of course, Bella doesn’t think this is weird. And nobody else has noticed the color changing eyes in the past few years.

The teacher checks the completed lab. He is skeptical that they did the work without cheating until he finds out that Bella was in an advanced placement program.

Edward tries to be nice to the drooling moron by making small talk. This causes Bella to freak out and she is paranoid that he heard her conversation at lunch.

“You don’t like the cold.” It wasn’t a question.

“Or the wet.”

“Forks must be a difficult place for you to live,” he mused.

“You have no idea,” I muttered darkly.

If she is trying to impress him, then she is doing a terrible job. Nobody wants to hear someone whining within the first few minutes of speaking to them.

But silly me. Bella is so charismatic that she can charm any man.

He looked fascinated by what I said, for some reason I couldn’t imagine.

For the first time, I agree with Bella.

Edward then asks why did Bella come to Forks if she hates it so much. Bella is amazed that someone has asked her.

Maybe no one gives a damn, bitch.

Of course, it is painfully obvious that Edward could be belching and scratching his balls and Bella would be swooning with how sexy and sophisticated he is.

So Bella says that her mother got remarried to a young guy who plays in minor league baseball.

And shockingly, she likes the guy. Mum wants to travel with her new husband but Bella only wants to stay in Phoenix.

But since Bella is suffering saint and a paragon of virtue, she exiles herself to Forks.

“That doesn’t seem fair.” He shrugged, but his eyes were still intense.

I laughed without humor. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you? Life isn’t fair.”

Marvel at how deep and angsty she is! No teenager has ever made such a wise statement.

And the whole “life’s not fair” thing is obnoxious when she complained in the first chapter that it wasn’t fair that Edward was avoiding her.

His gaze became appraising. “You put on a good show,” he said slowly. “But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see.”

1. Edward is trying to get laid.
2. Yes, Bella is suffering because she is in a town she doesn’t like.
3. Weep for her, you cold-hearted bitches!

Bella gets prickly after Edward starts asking her questions. And like the mature and wise girl she is, Bella contemplates to “stick out my tongue.”

Of course, Edward is amused that Bella is getting annoyed.

“Not exactly. I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read — my mother always calls me her open book.” I frowned.

When you are constantly sneering at others, it is easy to tell what you are thinking.

Edward tells her that she is very difficult to read.

Mr. Banner called the class to order then, and I turned with relief to listen. I was in disbelief that I’d just explained my dreary life to this bizarre, beautiful boy who may or may not despise me.

You didn’t talk about your life story. You whined to him how your life sucks.

Mike skipped quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined him with a wagging tail.

Isn’t Bella a nice girl? Let’s applaud her charming attitude towards others.

“That was awful,” he groaned. “They all looked exactly the same. You’re lucky you had Cullen for a partner.”

“I didn’t have any trouble with it,” I said, stung by his assumption.

It is a fact universally acknowledged that a man who is kind and friendly must be in want of intelligence.

Mike is a kind of pissed that Edward was friendly to Bella. It’s hard to see why he is jealous.

Bella is charming as a cockroach and her only talent is cooking food.

So anyway, Mike chivalrously helps Bella’s pasty ass during gym.

After gym, Bella walks to the parking lot. She sees Edward leaning against his Volvo and he is staring at her.

Bella gets into her car and nearly hits a Toyota Corolla. As she is leaving the school, Edward is laughing.