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About Marriage & Wife
About Marriage & Wife
My Marriage, 1972
With wife Ajita a few days after marriage
Immediately after I passed the Matriculation Examination, my parents started receiving proposals for my marriage from the girls' sides. I was then a couple of years ahead of my mid-teens. I had declined all those proposals. Once, I had even skipped an invitation for lunch where they envisaged presenting a girl for marriage to me. I learnt that the girl's parents had told one of my relations that if I agreed to marry the girl, I would get fifty thousand rupees or a motorbike as a dowry; the proposal was disdainful for me and hurt my principles. To avoid all these embarrassments, I had turned down the invitation. This incident had occurred in 1969 when I was already employed and had been earning ₹418 per month as a Class I officer in the Government of West Bengal. The marriage was thus not on my platter even after I had got into service. A couple of years later, I had to make a hasty decision to marry to fight the loneliness and dullness of the place I had been living in for a long time due to employment.
Accordingly, I got married here on the 6th of March 1972. I had chosen [1] a local girl named Ajita Singh as my wife.
About the marriage
I need to explain the facts and circumstances prompting me to take this decision to marry.
Except in an emergency like a flood, election, etc., the pressure of administrative work at Mekliganj was not enough to keep one engaged all day long. I had plenty of free time that hung heavy on me for want of any avenue to utilise it fruitfully. The loneliness and dullness of the place started telling upon me. It became acute after my colleague and friend Balai had left on transfer. I did not have any hope of getting an early transfer. The feeling for Toshita (spoken of later in the chapter on Women in My Life) was also on the wane. I strongly felt the need for a companion in a physical space to fight the loneliness. I decided to marry. Accordingly, I got married here on the 6th of March 1972. I had chosen [1] a local girl named Ajita Singh, daughter of Anupendranath Singh and Sushama Singh of Mekliganj, as my wife.
Ajita (nick-named Swapna) belonged to a different caste and community. The marriage, though, did not have any history of courtship behind it, even being an inter-caste marriage. Far from making courtship, I did not even have the scope to talk to her before marriage. Even though they were residents of Mekliganj for generations and apt in Bengali language and culture, the girls’ families were conservative.
My friend and colleague Balai (spoken of earlier) and his wife had initially generated my interest in her; she had been a friend of Balai's wife in her maiden days. I first saw her in Balai's residence when she had come with some of her friends to see Balai's wife. Balai had drawn my attention to her and asked for my opinion. I responded, saying she was good to look at. Later, I saw her in some places and during my evening walks. I was charmed by her physical beauty. I had reasons to feel she, too, liked me. I did not know her level of education and familial attributes. Yet, I thought in my youthful veins that we could bring up a good family; I was so much charmed by her. Whatever, she came to my mind when I decided to marry. But there was none to help me. Balai had already left on transfer.
I did not have any acquaintance with the girl or any one of her family. I was also not aware of their ethnic ideology. I was holding a dignified post. I could not carry the proposal to the family myself; I needed some medium. After much deliberation, I decided to use the services of a senior doctor friend of mine for this purpose. Though belonging to the Govt. service, this doc friend was posted at the place for a long time and was intimately known to her parents.
When I talked with him, he expressed his reservations about the marriage. He advised me more than once not to go for it. He did not, however, elaborate reason. To my query, he would not go beyond saying that the girl would not be worthy of me. That was a general statement, not sufficient to change my decision, particularly when I already. had fancy for her. Besides, my friend Balai and his wife had a good impression of her. I also thought I would be able to mend her to my ways. I did not, therefore, change my decision. But it had required me long persuasion to make my doctor-friend agree to carry my proposal to the girl's parents, which he did ultimately. The girls' parents accepted it right away.
But today, I don’t hesitate to admit that I had made a big blunder in going for this marriage without apprising the relative position of each other in the matter of education, family background and individual mindset. The result has not been happy for either of us. We were of a completely different attitude in every other way. I failed to mend her in the way I had expected I would be able to do.
This marriage had caused division within the girl's community. Due to differences within her family, it could not be a social marriage. Marriage was solemnized by exchange of garlands before the Goddess of Kali in Jalpaiguri, followed by its registration under the Hindu Marriage Act. Though the immediate family members of the bride, including her parents, had organized the marriage, many of the relations had stayed away. One of the bride's sisters and her husband, living in the same town where the marriage was held, did not attend, even though the bride, during her college days, had stayed with them. However, the bride's mother, her brother, eldest and youngest sisters, a child nephew, and a maternal cousin had attended.
Though I had married outside the caste and the community, my family had accepted my wife heartily. My brother and a maternal cousin, a resident of the then East Pakistan, who had been on a visit to Silchar (India), had come to attend the marriage.
About my wife
Pre-marriage at Mekliganj/Jalpaiguri early 1970s
My wife had some exceptional qualities, which I have mentioned in the Chapters on my postings in Rajbhawan and PIREP. Generally speaking, she was simple-minded, social, compassionate and soft-hearted. She did never neglect my mother or any of my relations. My mother was in a coma for a few days before her death. My wife had then nursed her with love and care. She had even cleansed her faeces ungrudgingly. She had arranged to keep her dead body in the mortuary till my return from tour to perform the cremation.
Side by side with some rare qualities, she had some serious flaws in her character, like a lack of strength and power of understanding, blindness in affection for children and a shielding mindset for them. These shortcomings of her character stood as a serious impediment to building a family of worth.
Due to excessive affection and overindulgence from the mother, some essential attributes did not develop in the characters of our daughters. The effect of this manifested later in their life. I have discussed these under the heading, 'Looking into Myself' on a later page on this website.
Post-marriage in Minto-Park Housing Estate. 1991
Sometimes in 2011, my wife was diagnosed with cancer and was treated. She is now fully recovered from cancer. Cancer has, however, damaged some of her mental faculties, aggravating her irritability and inducing forgetfulness to quite some extent.
In those months of her cancer treatment, I had deployed myself entirely to get her well and back to health. Those were nightmarish days for me. I had to undergo tremendous physical strain and mental agony. But I stood like a rock and got it passed. The Central Govt Health Scheme helped me financially a lot. I thanked my stars that I had finally joined the All-India Service, even though belatedly.
But misfortune did not leave her behind. Closely following the cancer came vascular dementia, which she was diagnosed with in January 2022. Dementia being a progressive disease, I don't know where this will lead us ultimately, though I am trying my best to keep it contained in its existing state.
My Wife's Family
Anupendranath Singha with his wife Sushama Devi
My father-in-law was Anupendranath Sinha, and my mother-in-law was Sushama Devi. They had six daughters Babli, Bani, Ratna, Swapna, Bulbul, Shanti alias Bandana, and a son Sudarshan alias Tutu. My wife was the fifth among them. Only two of the son and daughters, of whom one was my wife, had an education up to a Higher Secondary level and beyond. I did not have many talks with my father-in-law. But he appeared to be virtuous and a good soul. My Mother-in-law was all along in charge of the kitchen of a big joint family.
My in-laws and their kinsmen mostly lived on lands. People said my in-laws once possessed a large tract of land and were close to being a zamindar. Most of their lands were vested in the government after the West Bengal Estate Acquisition Act of 1953 came into force. In their land-based social structure, education was of secondary importance. Later, however, some enlightened members of these families tried for the higher education of a limited few of the youngsters of their next generation. They did not succeed in all cases. But almost all their grandchildren now are well-educated and engaged in gainful employment. One of them is even working as a commercial pilot. The grandchildren are all either graduate or post-graduate.
Their marriages hitherto remained confined to their social circle. I am the pioneer in breaking this tradition, with such intercaste marriages following. The taboo is gone. Their traditional society, too, has opened up and accepted the changed situation.
These people were originally from outside West Bengal. A long time ago, they came to this state and formed a cluster of their clan called Singhpara at the end of Mekliganj town. Most likely, they were employed under the Maharaja of Cooch Behar and had got some lands settled in their favour. Due to their long years in West Bengal, they became Bengali-speaking and carriers of Bengali culture to a great extent. Inside their own social circle, they follow their traditional ways in marriages and festivals. They are also adept in using the local Rajbanshi language.
Land-based families in Singhpara are now very few. The social ties among the families, too, have weakened over the years.
Footnote
[1] I had preferred someone known, however, little it may be, to a stranger to be chosen by others in the family. After living the life for 81 + years, I feel I should qualify my statement. I would now say if one chooses a bride for oneself, one should know the mindset, qualifications, and familial attributes of the person one chooses to marry.
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