Enjoy!
“When I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck.”
— James Whitcomb Riley
This link takes you to a G-Photos Album.
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Vatican City. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. The Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jews realized they had no choice. They chose a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate - to make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope reluctantly agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite one another for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed at the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers, representing the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my fingers around to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that we had three days to get out. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he said the whole city would be cleared of Jews. I told him we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned he told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% are bad, and 5% are good."
He thought about this for a bit, and concluded that He had better send down a second angel, to get another point of view.
So God called another of His best angels and sent her to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned she went to God and also told him that, "Yes, the Earth is in decline, of all the occupants, 95% were bad, and 5% were good."
God determined that this was a significant problem. So He decided to send an Email to the 5% that were good, as He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going through all the turmoil.
Do you know what that Email said????
Oh! ... So you didn't get one either ... eh?
A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market, riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastery and had dismounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"
The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over like I do."
The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second student, "Your eyes are open, and you see the world."
The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third student, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."
The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."
The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said, "I am your student!"
(Following is an actual question from a Texas A&M class.)
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student however, wrote the following:
"First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets into Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions. Some state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls are entering, then the temperature will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Sheryl Atkinson during my freshman year, that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic."
That student got the only "A".
Heaven is where:
The Lovers are Italian,
The Chefs are French,
The Mechanics are German,
The Police are British,
And Everything is Organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where:
The Lovers are Swiss,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Police are German,
And Everything is Organized by the Italians.
A man sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The man goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The man says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
Laughter is the best medicine.
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a beer,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have a beer too,” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the two beers and says, “That will be $4.50 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, “I’ll have a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again. “The usual?” asks the bartender. ”Well, it’s close to the last call, so I’ll have a large Scotch”, says the man. “Same for me”, says the ostrich. “That will be $8.40,” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared, who offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
“That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius!” … “OK,” says the bartender, “So what’s the deal with the ostrich?”
The man replies, “Oh that! Well, my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agreed with everything I said.”
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied in a slow drawl, "Well, I have spent my whole life on a ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences… I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch, so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he solemnly replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Stroke her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Spend money on her,
Wine & dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
With Beer.
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunwale from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm grove. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL HERE!!??!!"
Two engineering students met while traveling across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineering student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The US standard railroad gauge (the width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. But why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge in England, then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons which used that wheel spacing. Okay! So why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if anyone tried to use any other spacing, their wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. Then who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, don't fret. It may just be that you are exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.
Now the twist to the story ...
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site in Florida. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's Ass!
An Article from a London Newspaper (circa 999 A.D.)
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for Thousand is Mille, which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
Why there are so few good engineers.
It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheading routine.
Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up as he goes to meet his maker.
They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest.
They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up.
They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height as he spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below looks up and says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 80 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. Furthermore, you're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
At a computer exposition (COMDEX, around 1990 I reckon), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles/gal."
General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
And last but not the least....
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
In March 1992 a man living in Newton (near Boston), Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and they could take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there were usage on the account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake and he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally, giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas Company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" his two replied increduously. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
An engineer was walking through a park one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend; but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons... while Civil Engineers build targets.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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