Middle School

Friendships can get complicated during the middle school years. Friend groups shift, kids become more aware of where they fit socially, communication increasingly happens through phones and group chats, and small misunderstandings can sometimes become very big very quickly.

When your child comes to you upset about a friendship, it can be tempting to immediately solve the problem, contact another parent or tell them exactly what they should do. When possible, start by listening.

You might ask:

• "Do you want me to just listen, or do you want help figuring out what to do?"

• "What do you think your options are?"

• "Is there anything you wish you had done differently?"

• "What would make this situation feel better?"

• "Do you think you can handle this yourself, or do you think you need an adult to help?"

Giving middle schoolers opportunities to work through manageable friendship problems helps them build confidence and problem-solving skills. At the same time, there are situations where adults should step in.

If there is ongoing exclusion or harassment, threats, bullying, significant online conflict, concerns about safety, or the situation is interfering with your child's ability to come to school or participate in their day, please reach out to your child's school counselor or school administration. 

And if you simply aren't sure whether something is typical middle school friendship drama or something that needs adult involvement, you are always welcome to ask.

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Transition To Middle School

Middle schoolers have a lot going on. They are managing academics, activities, friendships, changing bodies, increased independence and a growing awareness of what other people think of them. Some stress and worry along the way is completely normal.

Sometimes worry is easy to recognize. Other times it may look more like irritability, avoiding things, procrastinating, difficulty sleeping, frequent reassurance-seeking, stomachaches or headaches, or suddenly becoming very upset about something that seems small.

When your child is worried, try to resist the urge to immediately fix the problem or convince them that there is nothing to worry about. Start by listening and helping them figure out what they need.

You might ask:

"What's the part you're most worried about?"

"Do you want me to listen or help you think through it?"

"Is there anything about this that you can control?"

"What's one small thing you could do next?"

"What has helped when you've felt like this before?"

It can be helpful to remind kids that feeling nervous, uncomfortable or uncertain doesn't always mean something is wrong. Learning that they can handle uncomfortable feelings is an important part of becoming more independent.

At the same time, pay attention when worry seems to be getting bigger rather than better. If anxiety is interfering with sleep, school attendance, friendships, activities or everyday life, or your child seems increasingly overwhelmed, please reach out to your child's school counselor.

We can start by talking about what you are seeing and figure out together what kind of support might be helpful.

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Middle School Anxiety

Middle school asks students to manage a lot more on their own. Instead of one classroom and one teacher helping keep track of everything, students are juggling multiple classes, assignments, materials, deadlines and expectations.

For some kids, this transition goes pretty smoothly. For others, it can suddenly seem like they are forgetting everything!

Organization, time management, planning, getting started and remembering what needs to be done are all part of executive functioning. These skills continue developing throughout adolescence, and some kids need more support with them than others.

At home, it can be tempting to become your child's executive functioning system by constantly reminding, checking, organizing and rescuing. While some support is absolutely appropriate, the long-term goal is to gradually help your child develop systems they can begin managing themselves.

A few things that can help:

• Create a consistent place for backpacks, devices and school materials.

• Encourage your child to use one system for keeping track of assignments and deadlines.

• Break large assignments into smaller, manageable steps.

• Help your child think about when they are going to do something, not just what needs to be done.

• Use routines and checklists for things that are frequently forgotten.

• Ask questions before immediately giving reminders: "What do you need for tomorrow?"

• Let your child experience manageable, natural consequences when appropriate.

• Notice when a strategy works and help your child figure out why it worked.

The goal isn't perfect organization. It is helping kids learn more about how their own brain works and which strategies help them be successful.

If organization, attention, missing work or difficulty getting started is becoming a significant source of stress or is interfering with your child's success at school, please reach out. Your child's school counselor can help you figure out what might be getting in the way and what supports may be helpful.

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Executive Functioning Strategies To Try 

Phones, gaming, group chats and social media are a big part of the world many middle schoolers are growing up in. Technology can be a way for kids to connect with friends, relax, be creative and feel included. It can also bring some challenges that didn't exist for previous generations of middle schoolers.

There isn't one set of technology rules that will work for every family. What matters most is having ongoing conversations with your child and helping them learn how to make good decisions in a digital world.

Some things worth talking about together include:

• What is okay to share online and what should stay private

• How easily messages and pictures can be saved, shared or misunderstood

• What to do when something happens in a group chat that makes them uncomfortable

• How to handle being left out of a chat, game or online interaction

• What respectful communication looks like online

• When an online problem needs adult help

• How technology affects their sleep, mood and ability to focus

• What they should do if they see or receive something that worries them

It can be helpful for kids to know that coming to an adult with an online problem won't automatically mean losing access to their phone or device. If they are worried that asking for help will immediately result in losing their technology, they may be less likely to tell us when something important happens.

Technology is also an area where kids will make mistakes. Whenever it is safe and appropriate, those moments can become opportunities to talk, problem-solve and help them make a different choice next time.

If something happening online is affecting your child's friendships, emotional well-being, sense of safety or ability to participate in school, please reach out to your child's school counselor. Online situations often spill over into the school day, and it can be helpful for home and school to work together.

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Create A Family Media Plan

As kids move into the middle school years, conversations can start to feel different. A child who once told you every detail of their day may suddenly answer "How was school?" with "fine" and disappear into another room.

Some of this growing independence is a normal part of adolescence. Staying connected doesn't necessarily mean getting your child to tell you everything. It means continuing to create opportunities for them to talk and making sure they know you are available when they need you.

A few things that can help:

• Try talking while you're doing something together. Car rides, walking the dog, cooking or running errands can sometimes make conversation easier than sitting down for a serious talk.

• Listen before offering advice.

• Try not to make every conversation a teaching moment.

• Be curious about their interests, even when you don't completely understand them.

• Avoid jumping in too quickly when they tell you about a problem.

• Respect their growing need for privacy while continuing to stay involved in their life.

• Look for small opportunities to connect rather than waiting for one big heart-to-heart conversation.

When your child does bring you something important, one of the best questions you can ask is:

"Do you want me to listen, help you think through it, or help you do something about it?"

Sometimes they want advice. Sometimes they need adult help. And sometimes they just need somewhere safe to put what they are carrying.

Middle schoolers may not always show us how much they still need their adults. Keeping the door open, staying curious and continuing to show up matters, even during the phases when they seem to be pulling away.

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How To Communicate With Your Teen

Most middle schoolers have days when school is the last place they want to be. But when not wanting to go becomes a pattern, it is worth taking a closer look at what might be making school feel difficult.

School avoidance doesn't always look like a child simply refusing to go. You might notice frequent stomachaches or headaches on school mornings, difficulty getting out the door, repeated requests to be picked up early, frequent visits to the nurse, arriving late, avoiding a particular class or becoming increasingly distressed on Sunday nights.

Try to approach the situation with curiosity rather than turning the morning into a battle.

You might ask:

"What part of the school day feels hardest right now?"

"Is there a time of day or class when you notice this feeling getting worse?"

"Is there something happening at school that you haven't known how to handle?"

"What do you think would make tomorrow feel a little more manageable?"

There can be many things underneath school avoidance. Academic stress, anxiety, friendships, peer conflict, feeling overwhelmed, difficulty with a particular class, sleep, changes at home or other concerns can all play a role.

When your child is healthy enough to attend, keeping school attendance consistent is important. Avoiding something that feels uncomfortable can bring relief in the moment, but it can also make returning feel even harder. At the same time, the goal isn't simply to force a child through the door without understanding why they are struggling.

If getting to or staying at school is becoming a pattern, please reach out sooner rather than later. Your child's school counselor can work with you, your child and other members of the school team to better understand what is getting in the way and develop a plan to help.

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School Avoidance Tips