The elementary years bring lots of growth! Kids are becoming more independent, friendships become increasingly important, and they are learning how to manage bigger feelings, responsibilities and challenges.
It is also completely normal for kids to hit some bumps along the way. Friendship problems, worries, frustration, hurt feelings, difficulty with change and occasional tough school mornings are all things that can come up during these years.
Our goal isn't for kids to never have hard moments. It is to help them build the skills and confidence to work through them.
Below are some resources for common questions and challenges that come up during the elementary years.
Friendship ups and downs are a very normal part of elementary school. Kids are learning how to join groups, handle disagreements, share friends, communicate what they need and figure out what to do when someone's feelings get hurt. These moments can be hard, but they are also important opportunities to build skills they will use throughout their lives.
When your child comes home upset about a friendship, our first instinct is often to fix it. When possible, start by listening and helping your child think through the situation.
You might ask:
"What happened?"
"How did that make you feel?"
"What have you tried?"
"What do you think you could do next?"
"Do you want me to listen, or would you like help thinking of some ideas?"
Sometimes children need an adult to step in. Other times, they need an adult beside them while they practice handling a problem themselves.
If a friendship problem is ongoing, your child is feeling excluded or unsafe, it is interfering with school, or you aren't sure whether adults should become involved, please reach out to your child's school counselor.
Resources:
Articles:
Friends and Socializing (help with conflict, making friends, loneliness, boundaries, social anxiety and bullying.)
Book Recommendation:
Worries are a normal part of childhood. Kids may worry about school, friendships, making mistakes, trying something new, being away from a parent, or things happening in the world around them.
When our kids are worried, it is natural to want to reassure them that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes, though, too much reassurance or helping a child avoid the thing they are worried about can accidentally make the worry grow.
Instead, we can acknowledge the feeling while showing confidence that they can handle it.
You might try:
"I can tell this is making you really nervous."
"What is your worry telling you might happen?"
"What is something you could do if that happened?"
"You don't have to feel completely comfortable to try."
"I know this feels hard, and I also know you can handle hard things."
It can also help to keep routines predictable, encourage kids to continue participating in activities even when they feel a little nervous, and notice when they do something brave rather than focusing only on whether the worry went away.
If worries are becoming more frequent, causing your child to avoid school or activities, interfering with sleep or daily life, or showing up frequently as stomachaches or headaches, please reach out. We can talk about what you are noticing and decide what support might be helpful.
Resources:
Book Recommendation: What to Do When You Worry Too Much by Dawn Huebner.
Big feelings are part of being a kid! Anger, disappointment, frustration and sadness can sometimes come out as yelling, crying, shutting down, arguing or saying things kids don't really mean.
When a child is really upset, it usually isn't the best time to problem-solve. Their first job is to calm their body. Once they are regulated, they are much more able to talk about what happened and think about what they could do differently next time.
In the moment, it can help to keep your own words simple:
"I can see that you're really upset."
"You're allowed to be mad but you're not allowed to be mean."
"We can talk about this when your body is calmer."
Later, when things are calm, you can help your child put words to what happened:
"What was the hardest part?"
"What did you notice happening in your body?"
"What helped you calm down?"
"What could you try next time?"
Kids build coping skills through practice. Taking a break, getting some movement, breathing, listening to music, drawing, spending some quiet time or talking with a trusted adult are all examples of strategies that may help.
If big feelings are happening very frequently, seem much bigger than the situation, are interfering with school or home life, or your child is having a hard time calming even with adult support, please reach out to your child's school counselor.
At GCS, students have opportunities throughout the elementary years to learn and practice social-emotional skills through classroom counseling lessons. Using some of the same feelings language and strategies at home can be a great way to reinforce the skills children are learning and practicing at school.
Some kids are naturally comfortable jumping into something new, while others need a little more encouragement. During the elementary years, children also become much more aware of how they compare to their peers. Schoolwork, sports, friendships and even making a mistake in front of others can suddenly feel like a very big deal.
When a child says, "I can't do it," our instinct is often to convince them that they can. Instead, it can be helpful to focus less on the outcome and more on their willingness to try.
You might say:
"You can't do it yet."
"It's okay if this takes some practice."
"What part feels the hardest?"
"You don't have to be the best at something to enjoy doing it."
"I noticed you kept going even when that was frustrating."
It can also be helpful for kids to see adults make mistakes. Let them hear you say, "Oops, I messed that up. Let me try again." It sends the message that mistakes aren't something we need to be afraid of or embarrassed by.
Confidence doesn't come from always succeeding. It grows when kids have opportunities to try hard things, make mistakes, solve problems and discover that they can handle the uncomfortable feelings that sometimes come along with learning something new.
If you are noticing that your child is frequently putting themselves down, avoiding things because they are afraid of failing, comparing themselves to others, or their confidence seems to be getting in the way of school, friendships or activities, please reach out.
Resources:
As kids move through elementary school, we begin asking them to manage more on their own. Remembering belongings, following multi-step directions, getting started on work, keeping track of assignments and staying focused can be easy for some children and really challenging for others.
These skills are often called executive functioning skills, and they develop gradually throughout childhood. A child who struggles with organization or attention isn't necessarily being careless or unmotivated. Sometimes they simply need more structure and practice while these skills are developing.
A few things that can help at home:
Keep routines as predictable as possible.
Give one or two directions at a time rather than a long list.
Create a consistent spot for backpacks, shoes and school belongings.
Use simple visual reminders or checklists when helpful.
Break bigger jobs into smaller steps.
Give your child a moment to repeat back what they need to do.
Help them get started rather than doing the task for them.
Notice progress, not just what was forgotten.
As kids get older, we want to gradually shift responsibility to them. The goal isn't to create a perfect system for our children. It is to help them begin figuring out which strategies work for them.
If organization, attention or getting started is regularly interfering with your child's learning, causing significant frustration at home or school, or you're wondering whether your child may need some additional support, please reach out.
Most kids have mornings when they would rather stay home! But when "I don't want to go to school" starts happening regularly, it is worth paying attention to what might be underneath it.
Sometimes children can tell us exactly what is bothering them. Other times, school worries show up as stomachaches, headaches, tears, irritability, difficulty getting out the door or repeated requests to stay home.
Start by being curious rather than immediately trying to convince your child that school is fine.
You might ask:
"Is there a part of the day you wish you could skip?"
"When do you notice that worried feeling starting?"
"Is there anything happening at school that you wish an adult knew about?"
"What feels hardest about school right now?"
Unless your child is sick, keeping school attendance consistent is usually important. Staying home can provide relief in the moment, but when anxiety is driving the avoidance, staying home may make returning to school feel even harder the next day.
At the same time, we don't want to simply push a child through something without understanding what is going on. Friendship problems, academic struggles, anxiety, changes at home, difficulty with a particular part of the school day or other concerns can all contribute to school avoidance.
If your child is regularly struggling to come to school, having frequent physical complaints connected to school, or mornings are becoming increasingly difficult, please reach out to your child's school counselor. The earlier we can figure out what is making school feel hard, the easier it often is to put support in place.
Resources: