Coercive relationships

Coercion is when you find yourself doing something because you think you have to, not because you want to, because you are worried or scared about your partner’s reaction if you do not. They use humiliation, intimidation or even assault to harm, punish and frighten you. If you try to leave, they might threaten an overdose, or say “you’ll set me off cutting myself again” - using guilt to control you.

In a loving and respectful relationship, people might choose to cancel a night out with friends to be together with their partner. But in the context of abuse, it is sinister. After time, if the victim wants to see friends, their partner sulks. So, the victim is guilt-tripped and now feels bad and cancels the friends. Or the abuser might lie that the friends have said horrible things (about the victim or them). Or they might threaten to share an intimate photo the victim took and sent to the abuser. By isolating their partner from everyone (family and friends), the abuser ensures the victim becomes dependent and subordinate.

Now with the ever-growing technological world, you do not have to physically be in the presence of someone for them to be coercive and abusive (in terms of a romantic partner). Due to the media, many people have become desensitised to coercion and may not even realise they are in an abusive relationship because ‘it is what everyone ese is doing.’ Furthermore, people are more likely to view this treatment as ‘acceptable’ because gaslighting is becoming common place since it is all over social media platforms. Belittling them and making them feel stupid, twisting the facts and making someone feel like they do not know what they are doing, berating them in front of others for being not up to their standards or not good enough. 

On a daily basis these messages are passed through social media platforms, some more predominate than others but it is still rife in this 21 st century society. In an abusive relationship, your partner will put you down, bully you, ignore you, sulk, not want to see you, threaten to post things about you that are not true – particularly in light to get their own way because you did not give them what they wanted. Furthermore, your partner will be demanding of you 24/7, make you feel like you are getting it wrong all the time, they will make you feel ashamed or minimise you, they will idolise you and they will reduce you and dismantle you into feeling awful about yourself. But in a good, healthy relationship, your partner will like you for who you are, you will be supported by them, given your own space, they will care about you, they will celebrate you and your achievements, and they will build you up.

The five most common abusive traits so you know what to look out for:

The Charmer – Bribes you with gifts, love-bombs you (excessive gifts, introduce you to important people early, say I love you very quickly and want to move in together ASAP), promises not to do it again, cries.

The Taker – Sends sexts (intimate images and messages), gets you drunk or stoned, coerces you to have sex, flirts with your friends/others.

The Keeper – Tells you what to wear, follows you everywhere, stops you seeing friends, constantly messages you.

The Bully – Threatens you, gives evil looks, sulks.

The Mind-mixer – Laughs at you, gaslights you, compares you to others, puts you down.