The Virtual Verandah is a safe (written/chat) support space for parents who have used PBB’s Helpline or Peer Support Groups, to stay connected (reducing isolation). Its name comes from the fact that our first peer support group started on a verandah in Coffs Harbour NSW on Fathers Day 1999. 

And just like the culture we build in our peer support groups, the Virtual Verandah is facilitated by all our Admins in the same manner we facilitate our peer support groups.

The purpose of this guide is to give all Admins consistent criteria and guidelines (in addition to the VV Rules) to facilitate their local VV groups. These guidelines preserve the heart of PBB's peer support culture: a non-judgemental, confidential, respectful space where separated parents can share experiences without judgment or directive advice. Consistent, compassionate moderation builds trust and community.

We’re often tempted to jump in and fix things for those we support, and it comes from genuine care and a wish to make a difference. Sometimes that impulse to fix, advise or rescue comes from our own deeper needs: to be valued, to feel significant, or to heal a part of our past. These feelings are human, and show that we care deeply, but when they start steering our actions, we risk moving from empathy to ego, from supporter to saviour, and may take away someone’s chance to find their own strength. 

Bill Eddy’s E.A.R. model (Empathy, Attention, Respect) reminds us to stay grounded and understand without owning, to be present without fixing, and to trust in each person’s capacity to grow:

• We show empathy by understanding their struggle without owning it. 

• We offer attention by being fully present, not fixated on solutions. 

• And we give respect by trusting their capacity to grow through their experience. 

That’s why we don’t offer private counselling, one-to-one DMs, or off-line support. We work as a relay team through PBB’s groups, helpline, and online Virtual Verandah chat, so no one carries the baton alone. This approach keeps boundaries healthy, protects our well‑being, and most importantly, builds what we stand for: resilience, not reliance; interdependence, not dependence.

We stand beside our clients as peers as they find their own strength, not in front of them as the expert or saviour. This approach builds a client’s confidence and keeps our volunteers safe from burnout or liability. Remember, compassion does not mean crossing boundaries, it means helping others build the capacity to stand on their own.

• We are peers, not professionals.

• This VV chat is a valued part of our community. It has a different purpose to the other chats.

• It is a space to connect, share, and build hope together. 

• Here, we listen deeply, speak from personal experience, and respect each other’s privacy and confidentiality.

• We are strictly non-political, non-religious, and non-ideological. 

• We focus solely on personal separation/parenting experiences.

• We facilitate the group to listen to each other, use "I" statements, personal responsibility, respect, confidentiality.

• We trust each person is (or will be) okay, so no fixing or advice.

• Experience shows that the best outcomes are gained by having a positive focus, rather than negative collusive energy between attendees.

• Recognising that the only thing I have control over is myself; not the system, nor past relationships, my children, nor even past behaviours – only my actions into the future

• This VV chat is for us to respectfully share relevant experiences to help each other move forward.

Here’s how:

1. At your group, open WhatsApp on your phone

2. Click on your local VV group

3. Once in your group, click the name of your local group at the top of the screen

4. Click on the ‘Members’ (will normally  show the existing number of Members in your local group)

5. Click ‘Invite via link or QR code’

6. (you will see a pop up saying ‘People who join via link will also be added to the community “DIDS 24/7 dad chat” and it’s announcement group.’) - click ‘Continue’

7. Click QR Code

8. Ask the new attendee to scan the QR code on your phone

9. Once they apply to join - you can approve via ‘Pending requests’ in WhatsApp (only approve the name/number you know in front of you)

👉 Click here for: Here's how with screen shots

• 🚩Not following the Virtual Verandah Rules

• 🚩Introducing politics, religion, ideology, activism or unrelated agendas.

• 🚩Breach confidentiality or share/screenshot content.

• 🚩Giving direct advice, fix, teach, or tell others what to do ("You should..." “My advice is…” “You need to…”).

• 🚩Dominating, bullying, spamming, or posting rapid messages.

• 🚩Focus on negative collusion, external blame, anger, or past grievances without 🚩personal accountability.

• 🚩Disrespect, sarcasm, argue, or show aggression.

• 🚩Posting threats, harassment, or under influence.

• 🚩Sharing triggering content

• Pin the Virtual Verandah Rules in local group chats

• Welcome new members privately

• Post gentle weekly reminders, or nudge positive discussions.

• Model calm, positive, peer-focused behaviour.

• Remember to balance the Admin Moderation - we are not the thought or speech police. We are facilitating a safe space for distressed parents.

1. Private Warning – Calm, acknowledge their feelings, restate rule/principle, suggest positive alternatives.

2. Public Group Reminder – General, no naming.

3. Temporary Mute – For persistent minor issues.

4. Removal – For serious/repeated breaches.

5. Immediate Removal – Threats, harassment, confidentiality breaches, or repeated ideological/political content.

1. Welcome Message (Private to New Member)

"Hi [Name], welcome! The Virtual Verandah is a safe space to share personal experiences and build hope. We keep it positive, peer-focused, and strictly non-political/religious/ideological. Please read the pinned welcome and rules. Glad you're here. Reach out to an Admin with questions."

2. Gentle Weekly Reminder (Public)

"This chat is for us to respectfully share relevant experiences to help each other move forward.” 

“Remember to connect, share, and build hope together.”

3. Private Warning – Giving Direct Advice

"Hi [Name], thanks for wanting to help. We don’t give advice or fix. How can you rephrase that as your own experience (e.g., 'In my case, I found...')? It keeps the focus on sharing wisdom positively."

4. Private Warning – Negative Focus/Anger

"Hi [Name], I hear how tough this is, and your feelings are valid. To keep our space hopeful, let's shift toward personal strengths and future actions (e.g., 'I' statements about what helped me move forward). This builds positive energy for everyone."

5. Private Warning – Political/Ideological Content

"Hi [Name], we keep this group strictly non-political, non-religious, and non-ideological to focus on personal parenting experiences. Please avoid those topics, let's stick to sharing our own journeys positively."

6. Public Non-Naming Reminder

"Reminder everyone: Positive focus in here please, 'I' statements, wisdom from experience, building on strengths. No advice, politics, religion, or negativity. Thanks for helping keep this a hopeful space!"

7. Private Message Before/After Removal

"Hi [Name], we've had to remove you due to [e.g., repeated advice-giving / political content]. We prioritise a safe, positive peer space. If ready to re-join following the principles, contact [PBB contact]. Take care."

8. Crisis Response (Public or Private)

"If anyone's in crisis, please call PBB Helpline on 1300853437 or Lifeline 13 11 14 (Australia). We're peers here. Getting professional help matters. Admins are available privately."