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The meeting overview. Our peer support group is generally two hours long and is facilitated by a peer facilitator. Each support group is characterised by two sections known as part one and part two. But our peer support groups use a number of rituals to create a safe space and purposeful group environment. Rituals are important and are structured exercises that have a significantly higher level of meaning than the activity itself. Rituals in a group work are used to address the group members' important emotional needs of inclusion and letting something go. Rituals are often used at the beginning of the group, at the end of the group as it prepares to wrap up and to deal with key transitions or to help group members let go of significant emotions. It is common in grief and loss that comes up in groups to use rituals. The rituals used in our peer support group are part one, the use of the rock process, and in part two, the use of the open group discussion or campfire. Extra supports are provided for the group members and are offered depending on their immediate needs. These supports include referral to other relevant services, our national helpline, one-to-one support where mentors are available in locations without a group, and also our virtual veranda where we have a secure, safe place for parents to connect and to support each other in between groups. And finally, our Parents Beyond Breakup website. The first part of the group process, though, enables participants to share something of their current situation with other participants and hear how the other participants or group members are responding to their own situations. The second part of the group is a dynamic discussion that responds to the specific needs of participants who are attending in that group. The second part, depending on the level of trust and understanding within the group, can enhance the learning and the value of change for all participants by way of introducing the use of various methods and activities. This engages the group and leads them to ultimately learning from each other's experiences and ideas.

Before the meeting starts, facilitators should arrive at least 30 minutes prior to the meeting. Now if it's a face-to-face or in-person meeting, that will involve opening up the venue and setting up. If it's an online meeting, that will mean getting a lot of the electronic online materials ready for your welcome statements, preparing your login and your waiting room and sign-in sheets. If you're in person, put out your signs at the door or out at the road or the car park in front of the venue so that new people can see that this is where the meeting is being held. Sign-ins are required and sign-ins occur as people arrive. So in a face-to-face or in-person meeting, you would encourage people to scan a QR code or give them the website to conduct their sign-in. If it's online, we ask people to do that from the waiting room. We send them a link and in both cases, each meeting has its own unique code to determine where the meeting is being held. If it's an in-person or face-to-face meeting and the venue permits, put out some tea and coffee. This allows attendees to come and help themselves. Make themselves feel welcome while you're still setting up and getting ready. In-person meetings, we lay out the chairs in a circle. So anticipate the amount of people that you think will be coming to the meeting on average. Put out that many chairs and where possible, chairs should be the same to prevent any inadvertent impression of hierarchy amongst the participants. This includes the empty chair being the same as the others. There should be nothing within the circle of those chairs and the empty chair, which is part of the ritual we'll go into in a moment, sits in the circle as a fellow peer and throughout the meeting it should have nothing placed on it. It should be held with a high degree of reverence and respect and if you have any information or brochures, put them out. Make them easily accessible for everyone.

Some tips for opening up your group meeting. First is start on time. It sends a strong signal out to all attendees that it's not okay to disrupt by casually turning up late. It also prevents first-timers from thinking they've turned up to the wrong time or place or venue and it's a general mark of respect for the process and for all attendees. If a mum attempts to attend a DiDs group or a dad attempts to attend a mids group we respect the right of the dads in the DiDs group or the mums in the MiDs group, particularly if they feel unable to speak in front of someone of the opposite sex, to have their say. So attendees will be asked if they agree to that person being in the room or not. If they agree then that person may stay for the meeting but if not they're respectfully asked to leave. For in-person groups obviously point out the location of the exits and external assembly points in the event of an emergency. Point out the location of the toilets. By asking if anyone needs to go now it will minimise disruption once the actual meeting has started and consider delaying the introduction until first-timers return from the toilet so that they're included. Again in person point out the location of the tea and coffee facilities and also point out any designated locations if somebody has need to smoke. In both online and in-person meetings it's critical that facilitators ensure that everyone's mobile phones are off. They are not to be used during the meeting because it's disrespectful to others who are sharing or listening and may make others feel like they're being ignored, recorded or even reported upon. We ensure that all participants know that the electronic sign-in is required for every meeting. It is confidential. The data is used by Parents Beyond Breakup for internal research and progress and some of the questions help Parents Beyond Breakup understand how well the group is actually performing. Is it still helping the attendees? Confidential identifying data will never be shared with third parties.

Framing up the opening of the group itself, if we were to use a Dads in Distress example, suggested wording may be,

"Welcome to Dads in Distress, my name is JD, I'll be your facilitator for tonight's meeting. Dads in Distress is a non-denominational, self-help, peer support group that just helps other dads through the process of separation, grief and loss. We endeavour to create a safe place in order for you to share your experiences, both positive and negative. None of us are counsellors or lawyers, so we're not here to give advice, just to listen to each other. The format or structure of tonight's meeting is that we have a couple of rules so that you know you're in a safe place. I'll read out an opening statement and we'll have a one minute of silence. Then we start the first part of the meeting or the first half, which is every dad gets a chance to share without being interrupted, without being judged, just to share where he's at. We'll then have a short break and we come back for the second part, which is an open campfire style conversation where we can all share experiences and help each other out. Then we close out the meeting with a check out, just to ensure that everyone's alright. You'll have an opportunity to share. Sharing is optional. If you choose to share and it's your first time, you may want to introduce yourself, let us know how many children you have, their ages, and tell us a little bit about your story, what brought you here to this meeting. If you choose to share and you've been before, just remind us of your name and tell us a little bit about what's happening for you since you last came to a meeting, as well as how you're currently feeling. The facilitator will offer you the rock and whoever holds the rock holds the floor, which means only the person holding the rock, in person or virtually, is the one who should speak. When you're finished, just hand it back to me as the facilitator. And please everyone, no interrupting the person that's talking and that holds the rock. Let's respect the rock and respect the silence between people sharing. What's said in the room stays in the room."

At that point, the facilitator should then read out the rules of conduct or the rules for the meeting. There is an option to engage one of the participants or the attendees to read this out. It's quite often a good engagement strategy because it gives ownership of the group back to the group.

The Empty Chair. The Empty Chair is one of those rituals that we mentioned earlier that really sets the scene and respects those that have gone before us. The Empty Chair is conducted in our online meetings and our in-person meetings. The in-person meetings obviously we have a physical empty chair and online we quite often will screen share or show an image of an empty chair if that's needed. The Empty Chair is something that can be facilitated by the facilitator or again if you want to get more engagement and ownership within the group you can have one of the attendees who've been before read out and conduct the Empty Chair. Wording for the Empty Chair goes along the lines of this. 

"We mark one minute of silence to think about those who couldn't be with us today. In a way they are with us and amongst us by occupying that empty chair. Maybe they don't know that we're here to help them yet. Maybe they can't yet cope with reaching out for help. Maybe they're no longer with us. Maybe they're on the other side of their journey and no longer attend these meetings. Maybe today they've got their kids with them. The Empty Chair is also an invitation for any new members to join us. Please take this next minute to think about the Empty Chair and think about what you'd like to share when your turn comes around. We'll now have one minute of silence. It's suggested that the facilitator keeps time on the one minute of silence and at the end of that one minute if an attendee facilitated or read out the Empty Chair we thank them for it and thank the attendees for that one minute of silence. This now marks a transition to what we call the Welcome Statement. Welcome to our men's group. Please join us in helping to make it a different place in our lives. Here between the time we form our check-in circle and the time we check out at the end of the group we give one another a lot more time to be ourselves than we usually get."

“Welcome to our men's group. Please join us in helping to make it a different place in our lives. Here, between the time we form our check-in circle and the time we check out at the end of the group, we give one another a lot more time to be ourselves than we usually get.”

The welcome statement. 

The welcome statement helps everyone in the group reflect on why they are there in the group, what the rules are around sharing, and to bring the group to a deeper level of sharing and connection. So be deliberate as the welcome statement is spoken. Pause at the end of key sentences. And use silence to introduce an atmosphere that will make sharing more powerful. 

Our welcome statement…

“Welcome to our meeting. Please join us in helping to make it a different place in our lives. It has a different purpose to the rest of our lives. Here, between the time we form our check-in circle and the time we check out at the end of the group, we give one another a lot more time to be ourselves than we usually get. And at first it can feel uncomfortable, and it's rare to have such an opportunity. Here we really listen to each other, or at least we don't interrupt or jump in quick to say our piece, or even give what we might think is just the best and most important piece of advice. Instead, we give respectful attention. We don't try and rescue someone who's feeling sad or feeling anything, because we know that really they are okay. Or maybe we still need to learn that really they are okay. Here we get to know ourselves. We really get to hear ourselves and one another without all the usual distractions. The simple way we do it is not easy to begin with, but soon it will be. We simply take our turn going around the circle, leaving space in between, and instead of jumping in with whatever we may feel, we just sit quietly with our feelings, just letting them be, until our turn comes around again. Soon enough we will be ordinary with one another again, but maybe not as ordinary as we were before. So welcome!”

The Welcome Statement is now reviewed annually, to keep it up to date, keep it readable and relatable for our peer support groups. Please refer to the online resources page for the latest version.

The Check-in Circle 

The Check-in Circle is another one of those very important rituals that help hold the space of the group and make the process work. The rock is simply that when you've got that, you've got the floor. You can say how you're feeling, what's brought you here, the last five minutes, the last forty years, that's up to you. The Check-in Circle is aimed at providing the space to let group members talk and reflect as they need to. The objective is to provide the best platform possible for this to happen and to avoid responses other than thanks. And make sure there is sufficient pauses after people have spoken for the rest of the group to process their own response. The Check-in Circle is the psychotherapeutic part of our process. And this means that for it to be successful, all attendees must listen respectfully. That means not interrupt, not look at their phones, not have phones ringing, not wandering off, stretching their legs, jumping to the next sharer too quickly. Just respectful listening. Also, they are not interrupted by newly arriving late attendees. It supports the necessary and sufficient attributes in Carl Rogers' person-centered theory. Congruence, unconditional positive regard and empathy. It positively leverages empathy, acceptance and the realness in the room that produces the best effect on the person who is speaking about their feelings. Facilitator's congruence or genuineness means that the facilitator is not acting. They can draw on their own experiences, through self-disclosure, to facilitate the relationships within the group. Our groups traditionally use a rock in all of our groups. Continuing to do so is a mark of respect to our origins and is now also a key element of our brand. The rock should be palm-sized, smooth, so for example a river rock. Head Office does occasionally issue a new rock for a new group and it belongs to and remains with the group, not an individual facilitator. Without exception, no other item may be used in lieu of a rock that could potentially provide either a negative or aggressive interpretation to any external person. For example, not using a hammer, a length of rope or anything other than the standard rock should be checked and approved by Parents Beyond Breakup.

In the check-in circle, whoever has the rock has the floor. There is no interrupting or cross-talking or advice giving. Group members, including the facilitator, simply give each other respectful attention. And before the next speaker commences, a brief time is spent reflecting on what has just been shared. Sharing is not compulsory. It is best to begin and end sharing by passing the rock to some of the most experienced members of the group. But remember, people can pass. The rock is a symbolic tool. An experience shows that people will talk to the rock in the presence of other peers like them, rather than talking directly to any other people. The holder of the rock has the floor, the opportunity to speak without interruption. It is their time to share whatever they may feel. It's a remarkable time to see how this simple procedure and process overcomes a person's reluctance to open up and share with other attendees. The rock is passed back to the group facilitator at the completion of each check-in. It is advisable not to simply work around the circle in a clockwise or anticlockwise manner. Some facilitators place the rock in the middle of the circle after reflecting on a previous speaker's comments, and then allow attendees to decide when they want to pick it up and share. If a group facilitator decides to operate with this option, they need to be mindful to slow the process down and make sure the silence in between different people sharing is still observed. Silence in between the sharing, or between each individual sharing their story, their feelings, a 30 second approximate silence occurs to allow all attending to reflect on the story they have just heard and had the privilege of hearing, and to apply that story to their own situation, their own problems. There are no comments made and no suggestions offered. Everyone who wants to share has a turn. The rock is passed on to the next most likely person to share without discomfort. First timers and newer attendees can be held over until the group leader assesses that they're ready and they're in the space to share. If someone doesn't want to share, a facilitator needs to ensure that the person knows that it's not compulsory.

In summary, the check-in circle is really centred around the ritual of handing out the rock with an invitation to share. The facilitator manages the order of sharing by inviting each speaker. The invitation to share must be humble to allow each attendee to be comfortable to decline if they don't feel like sharing. We recommend that you start with two experienced and brief sharers to model the expectation of a check-in to the others in the group, and never to start with a first-time attendee. First-time attendees typically go after those one or two experienced so that they have a sense of what it's like and they have a sense of comfort. After the first timers have had their check-in, then return to the remaining participants or attendees in the group. The rock always comes back to the facilitator in between each check-in and give a brief 20 to 30 second pause of silence between each share. Before the final check-in, check if any of those that declined would like now to share. And typically we recommend that you end with the facilitator doing their check-in or the primary facilitator to cap off the check-in circle.

The break. Yes, the break is a ritual part of our process. The overall purpose of the break is to allow attendees of the group to move from a heart space in feelings mode to a head space, sharing insights, problem solving mode. It is quite often noted as one of the most significant parts of our meetings because sometimes that's where most of the connecting, the networking, the bond between our attendees occurs in the break. The length of the break, we typically recommend 10 to 15 minutes, but not much longer than that. It allows people to go and use the bathroom, make a cup of tea or coffee, but most importantly, make that social peer bond connection with their fellow participants. Our founder, Tony Miller, claims that the break was often where most of the best work took place, where participants would self-organise into social groups that shared similar interests or challenges. This is key to breaking the social isolation that comes with traumatic separation and situational distress. And a final word on the break part of the process is before throwing to the break, tell the group precisely what time the second half will start and then start on time. That discipline shows them respect. It helps them stay organised. And it also keeps people secure and contained within a process that has worked since 1999.

The second half of our meeting, sometimes called the campfire, is the psycho-educational part of our process, designed to share and develop collective wisdom and insights that are positive, that move members of the group forward. Specifically, it is not about giving advice, especially and particularly legal advice as a non-legal expert. The role of the facilitator is to manage the process, not provide or design or predetermine content. Managing the process is about ensuring it starts and stops on time, that the group collectively decides the topics, that everyone has a say, that silences are broken with a question from the facilitator, for example acting as a coach. A key tip is that the facilitator's voice should be the least heard in the second half. If it's otherwise, then chances are the facilitator is going into fix-it mode, which we know does not help. The facilitator's role in that second half of the process is to ensure that the process runs correctly and that everyone has input. It's not to decide the subjects or who speaks or provide answers or advice, because all of those are incorrect behaviours and place the facilitator above or outside of the group and in the position of an expert or a fixer. Experts and fixers prevent the participants from developing self-reliance and resilience and therefore averting suicide and instead teach the participants to rely on or become dependent on the facilitator. If during the second half the facilitator's voice is not the least heard in the room, chances are there's a problem with how the process is being run. The second half is a good place to just be and have a purposeful discussion or an open group discussion. Sometimes through the check-ins people hear something in somebody else's check-in or through the second half they hear something from someone else that could be of use to their own situation. Sharing experience, strength and hope goes a long way to empowering yourself, being mindful that people don't impose opinions or beliefs onto others. The effectiveness of the second half is the shared wisdom, experience and the unity which stems from the discussions that take place.

Our unity is our strength. The campfire process can be utilised to capture this wisdom. Regular attendees contribute collectively in a non-judgmental and non-critical manner. While perspectives are discussed, projecting one's personal experiences should be avoided as each attendees journey will differ. The exception here is to share our own experience but own it, using I statements. Each person in the group understands that they take what they need and leave the rest. It is the responsibility of each group member to take the best from the meeting as they explore the options that may assist them in their own journey. The second half is also a chance for group members to openly discuss, not necessarily be led by the group facilitator. This is an informal period of time and is one of really powerful bonding and sharing of a more general nature. The second half is an opportunity for everyone to share and find out what their next steps are for themselves. The facilitator's role is also to monitor and manage the process and make sure that perspectives and information in the second half, in relation to new attendees, is not overwhelming, making sure that newer attendees are not overwhelmed with information overload. It is essential that information overload does not occur. In the event that there is high need or high blame coming out in the second half, the group facilitator needs to avoid the problems associated with trying to rescue people. It is the role of the group facilitator to give the attendees a safe place to explore their options verbally and to bounce those options around with other participants who have travelled a similar path, to assist them in processing their own thoughts for the future. Facilitators do not need to rescue participants, they just need to be there to listen. All members need to be non-judgmental and display empathy. Experience shows that the best outcomes are gained by having a positive focus, rather than a negative collusive energy between attendees and the group. We normalise individual reactions to the trauma that people are suffering. Attendees may believe that they are going crazy when in fact their reactions are quite normal and almost universal. We often see complete change in their presentation when they appreciate that their particular reaction is common and normal and that they are not the only one.

The Second Half Opening Statement The primary objective of the Second Half Opening Statement is to remind the group of the rules and encourage people to use the remainder of the time in a constructive way to move forward. The second half is an opportunity for the group to discuss a common theme that perhaps has emerged in the check-in circle. The group facilitator needs to ensure that no one voice is too dominant or patronising, and that those who have something to say have a chance to say it. It is very important that the group facilitator does not dominate the second half. Their self-awareness in this part of the process is essential. We recognise that those who are traumatised will only be able to take small steps and take on simple information. Now the wording for the Second Half Opening Statement which can be read out by either the facilitator or again as an engagement strategy can be read out by a member of the group to help ownership within the group. 

"We have arrived at the second part of our meeting, and experience shows that the best outcomes are gained by having a positive focus, rather than any negative collusive energy between attendees. Recognising that the only thing I have control over is myself, not the system, not past relationships, not my children, not even my past behaviours, only my actions into the future. The second part of the meeting is for us to respectfully share relevant experiences to help each other move forward. We are not here to teach or advise, but to offer alternatives, to share wisdom, not anger. To keep ourselves level, we watch the language we use and we build on our strengths, not on our problems."

The second half campfire discussion. This part of the process can easily be over-engineered or at the risk of being too planned by the facilitator. The facilitator needs to remember that this part of the process is actually owned by the group, not by them. Quite often when we're mentoring and training new facilitators, we guide them to listen for the topics of the second half in the check-in circle, because they will always reveal themselves. We listen as a group for any common themes that emerged in the first part of the process, in the check-in circle. We focus on proactive and positive topics, rather than powerless or negative topics. And if the group can't think of a theme, then we invite them at the break to write down keywords on a whiteboard or a piece of butcher's paper that they would like to discuss with the group. Remember, the focus of the discussion is the direction people will move towards after the completion of that group. It is important for the discussion to move people forward in a positive direction, with positive coping responses regarding the challenges that they experience. So the easiest way to facilitate this is to ask the group what they would like to discuss. Alternatively, is to turn to the whiteboard or butcher's paper and ask what they would like to have discussed written on that page. Once ideas, words, thoughts or wisdom are added to that whiteboard or the paper, it should, if possible, be placed on the floor in the centre of the circle, or in front of the group, or if online, on screen. This is so that participants can sit in their circle and look at the topics as they contribute verbally to the facilitated discussion that follows. Facilitators should mentally prioritise the topics that have been listed and facilitate the following discussions in this order. 

Priority 1. Matters relating to suicide or suicidal thoughts. 

Priority 2. Matters which are urgent. 

Priority 3. Matters which are important. 

It's also a chance to invite new attendees to open up and ask for experience or collective wisdom from the group. It's a great way to engage them, involve them and allow them to feel that they have a sense of ownership and a place in the group.

Where there are topics written down on the whiteboard or on the paper or in the case of online sometimes in the chat, the facilitator's role in the second half is to draw out each word or phrase and ask the author of that word to expand on it. The facilitator then moves on to the next word or topic or phrase. The facilitator's role in that second half is to ensure that the process takes place, it's run correctly and that everyone has some input. Not to decide the subjects or who speaks or to provide the answers or advice because as we said earlier this is incorrect behaviour that places the facilitator above or outside of the participants in the group and positions them as an expert or a fixer. All of this process can also just happen organically or verbally. It doesn't need to be written down but quite often having the time to reflect and look at words encourages people to process them at a deeper level. The facilitator highlights a subject, facilitates discussion and makes sure that everyone has input. Another option for the second half campfire and one that should not be overused or over-exercised is the workshop version of the campfire and this is often where the facilitator may facilitate discussion around a particular topic say on resilience or on how to change our mindset. Sometimes, very rarely, an expert may come in on a volunteer basis to share some wisdom or answer direct questions. Keep in mind that we also do run our expert Q&A sessions where people can get advice. Keeping in mind that our group process is not about giving advice that's why we run the separate sessions. These workshops though can be popular and can be a draw card to bring other members of the group that haven't attended for a while back to be part of that process. Another key role of the facilitator in the second half of the process is not only to ensure that everyone has had a say to make sure that new attendees do feel heard or acknowledged but is also to summarise or wrap up what was discussed in the second half. This helps assimilate the entire process and helps chunk it down to little bite-sized pieces of information or action steps. Keeping in mind that most attendees will have already experienced some degree of trauma and doing that process helps them make this an easy step forward.

The Checkout Circle serves two key purposes. It reinforces for all the general positive uplift that most participants report, and it also allows facilitators to identify if some attendees require additional support. The objective of the Checkout Circle is a brief statement of how we are feeling right now at the end of the meeting. We typically go around the circle and ask attendees to briefly describe how they felt at the start of the meeting and how they are feeling at the close of the meeting. It also allows a time for participants to identify something that they have gained from the group and how they will apply that during the following week. This process is called Meaning Attribution and is the best indicator of an effective group experience. It also enables everyone in the group to identify anyone who may not be travelling that well and flag that person as possibly needing ongoing support outside of the group or additional attention during the week before the next meeting. Typically, the facilitator would say, OK, as we wrap up the meeting to finish off, we're going to do checkouts. I want each person to identify how you felt at the start of the meeting and how you're feeling now at the end of the meeting. Also, it might be useful to identify something that has been important for you tonight or stood out and how you can act on this learning over the next week. We can follow up on how this went at next week's meeting. The meeting closes with all of those attending being encouraged to return the next week and be part of the group. There's also ongoing member support that we offer outside of the groups via the helpline, via the virtual veranda, and the most obvious is members of the group connecting with each other and giving each other peer support. If the facilitator identifies someone with an extremely high need, someone who is suicidal or said that they are thinking of suicide, or in high distress that's beyond the means of the facilitator, we do encourage facilitators to refer that person to the helpline and encourage them to call the helpline. But on occasions, we do contact the helpline internally and request a specific callback for that person.

So in summary, the checkout is a vital part of the process and is done by going back around the circle in a faster format than what we did with the check-ins. The checkouts are typically everyone gets the turn to give one word on how they felt coming in, one word on how they felt going out, and one thing they've taken away is a learning from today's meeting. This is particularly powerful as it serves to list off key learnings for others that they may have missed or forgotten. Sometimes we might mix up that third question and ask what are they looking forward to this week and what we're trying to instil is a sense of hope and looking forward, a positive forward plan. We then, if it's a regular group, can mix that up and ask other humorous questions to lighten the mood, but it is about a final connection and knowing how is that person travelling at the end of the meeting. Of course, after the checkouts, some very basic housekeeping like if in person you would ask the attendees to help put the chairs away and clean up the tea and coffee, you would remind people that we have the helpline, we have the expert Q&A sessions, we have the virtual veranda, and also invite them to connect with each other is probably the most important part of closing out a meeting.

The Process: MiDs Differences (and similarities)

Previously, we ran the DIDS model for MiDs. Mums started coming to Dads in Distress meetings because there was no other support like that and it was unique. And over the years, we've just used the Dads in Distress process for mums. 

We've now made these fine tuning adjustments and it seems to be working really well. In 2024, we did a big review. We had a number of mums involved. 

The principal difference that we worked out is that dads tend to go into situational distress and they want to move into practical first and then they start to process the emotions as they're going through the actions. 

But the mums, it's the other way around. The mums will go into the emotional distress before they can get into the practical steps. But the emotional distress doesn't have a timeline on it. And that influenced a lot of the changes we made for Mums in Distress. 

So what are the principal differences between Dads in Distress and Mums in Distress? 

We'd probably have to say there's three. 

1/ So the first one is an intake call. Mums will do an intake call on the helpline. But it's more along the lines of the emotional stuff. So, we want to make sure that they've got a bit of self-awareness, emotional management is there. Doing an intake has really helped us to get a great group. 

2/ The other difference is our check-ins at the beginning are a lot longer. We actually encourage mums to ask questions, come off mute (during online meetings) and ask questions. And that seems to make their shares go longer. 

3/ And the third thing is at the end of it, the actual campfire is then shorter because we've got a longer part at the beginning. That's our main meeting. And then the second part is just grab a cup of coffee and then talk about what everyone's shared in the beginning. 

So they're the three main differences that we've worked on and changed. 

So in summary, ultimately there's not a lot of difference in how we train as facilitators between DIDS and MIDS. But the big difference is that we have the call first with a mum, change the check-ins. In DIDS, we don't ask questions, we don't make comments during the check-ins. But in MIDS, we encourage it because that's a more natural way for mums to interact and to feel they're supporting and being supported. And that's naturally shortened what we would call the second half or the campfire. And it's more of a recap and a review of what was spoken about in that first half. 

The way that we've restructured their checkouts Mums often say, " I came in here feeling rattled and I was, you know, I didn't know what I was going to do. But now I felt heard. I got the support that I needed. And you guys really heard me. And I was able to get information from this person and that person. So I'm actually leaving the meeting now, like, really pumped, which is really good".

Here's a reflection or a quote from one of our experienced group facilitators. 

“As I sit in on a group, I often see other group leaders move away from the simplicity of the first section to a more complicated fix-it mentality. I'm not saying that the guys do not need fixing. Most do. I'm saying we started on the premise that these guys did not need fixing and I still think that's a valid starting point. I guess our attitude to the type of guy we service will influence the type of guy that comes to us for help. If we develop a fixing program, well, we'll get fixees. If we develop a you're okay program, you just need a bit of a hand up at the moment program, we'll get men who see that as a useful process for them. That's how I see the first part, the first half. Once men have experienced the therapeutic value of that, they will then be back. They will also sit through the second half where we help and education happens. The first section, the first half as I see it, sets the stage for the following or the second session. It is the foundation from which we assist the men to rebuild their lives. In the second section, we need trained facilitation. The first part can be run by anyone. We simply hand a man a rock and ask him if he'd like to share. When he has finished his sharing, we take the rock back and there's a silence for half a minute, 30 seconds or so. Then we repeat the process until we have all shared. There is no other input, no fixing.”

Another final reflection from Al Valja, one of our co-founders. 

“If it ain't broke, don't try and fix it”. 

And he always would say that that applies to our people and also to the process. Just stick with the process. Let it do its job.

Debriefing as facilitators after a meeting is really, really important. So let's address what is debriefing. Debriefing is often referred to as supervision. It's a positive and enabling process that offers the opportunity to bring a volunteer facilitator and one of their colleagues or their manager together to reflect on their work practice. It's the process by which a volunteer can review and evaluate their work through discussion, reports or observations with their colleagues. It is there to ensure that the individual volunteers are operating within the safe limitations and not taking on too much and not risking vicarious trauma. Vicarious trauma is the process of change that happens because you care about the other people who have been hurt, you feel committed or responsible to help them. Over time, this process can lead to changes in your psychological, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Whilst not everyone is susceptible to vicarious trauma and or it affects different people differently, good quality and regular debriefing or supervision is not only good for you generally and your general mental wellbeing, but it also aims to reduce the impact or occurrence of vicarious trauma. To facilitate the debriefing process and as a result of changes we had to make in recent years going online, we've created a confidential debrief room on online. This is where facilitators can post their debrief without any identifying data, so we maintain confidentiality but it's a place to check in after the meeting. It's a debrief afterwards. So we have minimum expectations of all of our licensed or approved volunteer facilitators. And those are, be on online, check it regularly and if you prefer not to, allow mobile notifications to pop up anyway. We expect one written debrief from the group per quarter at a minimum. We actually recommend doing it after each group, but at a minimum one per quarter. One helpline discussion debrief per quarter. One development meeting with your colleagues or with your manager or as a group of facilitators.

If you have a struggling parent in your meetings, don't take it on yourself. Pass it on or refer it to the helpline or to your manager, or buddy them up with one of the other attendees or other parents in the group. If you are struggling, please contact your manager or contact the helpline straight away. And if you need to, take a break away from hearing about other people's relationship issues. Our expectations of self-care is to be and remain connected on workplace. This is the primary means by which all of us communicate and support each other. It's how you know what's going on. It's also how we can see how you're doing through the mechanisms like the written debriefs. We also ask if you did a whiteboard, you post a picture of that whiteboard to share with others. We also recommend that you speak with your other co-facilitators. Discuss how your meeting went, what needs to be done to make it better for you or the parents attending, what you're struggling with and what you need some help with. And speak with your manager and the helpline. The expectations of Parents Beyond Breakup is to provide team members across Australia that you can talk to and the means by which you can do so when you need to offload. To discuss how you're going and what mental well-being support that you might need. A dedicated debrief room on workplace is one of the main means of doing that. Your manager is somebody else that you can talk to and get support from. The helpline team who you can talk to seven days a week on 1300 853 437. Or third-party specialist support. We do offer employee assistance programs if you've been vicariously traumatised or impacted by the work that you do. And regular monthly meetings with all the other facilitators online to get general updates, feedback from the organisation and to give feedback, training updates and best practice and discussions around how better to look after each other. And we also have regular and periodic internal and external training available to keep developing all of us as facilitators. Our online debriefs that we post typically come under these categories. When. So the date, the meeting type, whether it was dids or mids and the location code. We ask who attended, so how many people attended. An overview or an overall of general themes that came up. What could be improved in the meeting. The themes that came up in the campfire. What your checkout question was. And the most important one is, how are you feeling as a facilitator?

A summary of the Process (quick reference guide) and Online Meeting Resources and requirements, is available to Facilitators here.

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https://sites.google.com/parentsbeyondbreakup.com/pbbnew2024/pbb-internal

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