Step 1: View video (or read drop down transcript)

Our approach to suicide prevention. The majority of male suicide is not related to mental health, but rather to situational distress. This means that traditional medicalised approaches to suicide prevention, particularly for men, are not as effective as they could be. With regard to situational distress, peer support, specifically peer-to-peer coaching, is, we've found, very effective. The academic world generally agrees that the key drivers of male suicide include a profound sense of isolation and hopelessness. Both can and often do occur simultaneously, post-separation, and within protracted and adversarial family breakdown. That the distress is related to family breakdown makes this more situational than it is chronic mental health. The exception being where family breakdown may have occurred due to chronic mental health issues. It is fair to say that the majority of those that reach out to us and use our support fall into the situational distress category. If you're interested, situational distress is often medically classified as chronic adjustment disorder or situational depression in the DSM-5 and so it's recognised but it's not well understood or managed by the medical fraternity. Typically, the medical field focuses on alleviating the symptoms with antidepressants and not the underlying cause, because it cannot. Addressing the cause negates the need for medical intervention and is arguably a better alternative and that's where we step in.

So the nature of our interactions with separated parents, as peers, with lived experience, means that we address isolation through meeting others like ourselves, and hopelessness through access to insights, collective wisdom, and coaching. And whether it be the helpline, our groups, or mentoring one-to-one, we aim to deliver the following to those that reach out to us. Camaraderie as a lived experience peer. Hope as someone that has been through it and survived. Information through sharing of wisdom, insights, and knowledge and ideas. And increased levels of resilience through coaching to develop self-reliance. We know that if we deliver on these four aims, suicide is almost always immediately rejected. The cause behind the distress has either been sufficiently removed or diminished such that the balance between going on and giving up has positively altered. So understanding the nature of situational distress and its links to suicide also speaks to a common problem when talking to those who have come to us for help. We often fall into the all-too-easy habit of offering them solutions, temporarily relieving their distress, and helping us feel that we've helped someone in distress. In simple terms, we can slip into fixing mode. This is also sometimes known as collusion, because we are merging our collective views and developing a newly agreed worldview with that attendee. And this actually works to oppose that fourth aim that we've just listed, to build the attendees own resilience, such that they are not reliant upon you to continue providing answers. When that attendee starts to call on you several times a week, and in the middle of the night, it will become all too clear why providing answers or fixing is a mistake for them and for you.

Following the process, and done well, our process quickly removes suicide off the table as an option. But key to it is the ability to maintain a healthy distance and to coach. And absolutely never fix. The helpline and mentors coach one-to-one, remotely and in person. The groups coach within a group setting. We might further define this as a facilitator facilitates structured coaching within the group setting. A helpline operator or a mentor coaches one-to-one. As Jim Morris, one of our longest serving facilitators would say, if you're not asking a question, shut up. An example of coaching questions might include, how's that working for you now? You've got two options. You carry on doing the same as you have, or you do something different. What do you suggest you could do or should do? What's standing in your way of achieving X? What will happen if you do not do X? Why do you think X? What are you doing that's holding you back? What's most important and why? Much of what we do and our process is based on the work of Carl Rogers, and it's often referred to as person centered theory or person centered experience. It is worth reading a little bit more about Carl Rogers theories to better understand why we do not collude. We do not fix or we do not get too deeply involved in the difficulties that our attendees are experiencing. This doesn't mean that we don't care, but this approach and our process not only serves our attendees better, but it acts to better preserve our own well-being and reducing or avoiding vicarious trauma for us as the peers that are providing the support.

Peer support as a mutual aid model. The mutual aid model, created by Schulman in 1987, is an interactional approach to helping. Because of the interactional focus and the emphasis on equality in the helping relationship, it is a particularly useful approach when we're working with separated parents, especially with men. The critical factor in the model is the way that it views the group member. Many other approaches view group members as static objects that need to be studied, diagnosed and treated. But the mutual aid theory is based on dynamic systems theory, and it views behaviour as being based on interaction with other people. Behaviour is influenced by a person's interaction with the other group members. With family members, with friends, with colleagues or acquaintances, with parents and siblings and other professional staff. As the group member system interactions are identified, situational distress is understood in a new way. Sadness and passivity are not the problems, rather they are the symptoms of these important interactions. Situational distress is not an illness to be cured, but rather a sign that important areas of interaction in a group member's life have broken down.

The characteristics of the mutual aid model are importance of sharing life experiences with others, discussion of difficult and taboo areas and feeling understood builds new strength in allowing a group member to use their support systems more effectively, breaking down of isolation by discovering that others share similar feelings and experiences, emphasis on equality of human experience where group members and professionals share similar experiences, offer of mutual support and encouragement through understanding each other's feelings, this empathy in the group allows participants to use this skill throughout the rest of their life, promotion of individual problem solving through listening to how others find new solutions to their problems, time to rehearse and practice new ideas and talk about the challenge of implementing them, gaining of strength through developing a group identity that results in the belief that they are not alone, a basic belief in group members ability to be a creative genius. The defences and the blocks that people use in their life do not fool the other group members, but they concentrate on a spark of life that still exists in that person. The person assumes that the group members have the strength to change without being bound by their past experiences. Integration by the group leader or facilitator of their professional and personal self, rather than just creating a split between them and the group. For example, Schulman 1987, page 15 said, As we demonstrate to our group members our humanness, vulnerability, willingness to risk, spontaneity, honesty and our lack of defensiveness, we will be modelling the very behaviours we hope to see in our group members. They must be themselves if they are going to be professional. Recognition of the connection between working with the individual problems and the wider social change. And finally, the group members resistance to change is viewed not as the problem, but as part of the process for change to occur.

Groups contain the potential for mutual aid as they represent a microcosm of society and an experimental system where group members can practice new responses to old problems. Shulman uses systems theory to recognise that a group is more than the sum of its individual parts. The group is seen as an organism rather than a machine. Being an organism, it has the capacity for growth and emergent behaviour. A group develops properties that emphasize its uniqueness. These properties include its ability to develop a common purpose shared by all the group members that is greater than the sum of the individual purposes. The group is also powered by a group culture that is influenced by the group's norms and behaviour. A group is also influenced by its relationship with its environment, such as the organisation that facilitates the group. A variety of developmental tasks need to be achieved for a successful group to develop. These include, as stated by Shulman in 1987, a collective working contract that focuses the group, group members' feelings that the group meets their individual needs, and the group developing a structure that enables it to achieve its purpose effectively.

Simply bringing people together does not guarantee that the mutual aid will occur. There are a variety of obstacles that block the group members' ability to reach out to each other and offer help. The dynamics of the mutual aid process, as identified by Shulman, are Sharing information. One of the simplest but most important aspects of group life is the way that members can share relevant information. The Dialectical process. Important discussion can occur as group members share ideas and views, and a culture can be developed where ideas are put into practice once they have been accepted as important and effective. Conflict is an important part of learning, so differences need to be expressed rather than avoided. And Shulman said, the group can be a laboratory for developing, amongst other skills, that of asserting oneself, so that the individual members can become more effective in their external relationships. Discussing Taboo topics. Each group member enacts cultural norms and taboos which exist within the wider society. The group provides an opportunity for developing new ways of exploring these issues. Taboo topics or issues might include family relationships, intimacy, conflict, depression, authority, dependency, and in some cases, abuse. The all-in-the-same-boat phenomenon. After a group discusses significant topics that are usually avoided, for example, taboo areas, the members listen to the feelings of the others and often discover emotions of their own that they were not aware of. Feelings which may have been having a really powerful effect on their own lives. They also discover that they are not alone and learn that others experience the same feelings. And when a group member discovers that they are not alone in feeling overwhelmed by a problem or worried about the fact that they may be forgotten as their child's parent, they are better able to mobilize themselves to deal with the challenges productively. Discovering that feelings are shared by other group members can often be the beginning of freeing a person from their fears.

Mutual support. When the group culture supports the open expression of feelings, there is an increase in the group members' capacity to empathize. The group facilitator is the initial person who establishes and mirrors this norm. Shulman said, the group leader sets this tone through expression of their personal feelings and understanding of others. Each member is able to observe the powerful effect of empathy and change through the support gained from the group. This is an important term being the group. The group is the entity that is created when people are brought together. Support in the mutual aid group often has the quality that is different from the support received in an interaction with a single empathic person. Mutual demand. As a group develops, group members begin to expect things from the other group members. These expectations include being listened to, given time and being respected. This expectation translates into the development of positive norms in the group. Mutual demand, accompanied with mutual support, are very powerful forces for change. Individual problem-solving. A mutual aid group is a place where members can bring their concerns and ask for assistance. As people help each other deal with problems, they are learning to help themselves in better ways. And one of the most productive ways to enhance learning is through, well, being a teacher. The group leader can help by pointing out common underlying themes. Rehearsal. Mutual aid groups are also great at providing a context for members to practice new skills and behaviours. Shulman said, the group becomes a safe place to risk new ways of communicating and practice what the group member feels may be hard to do. And finally, the strength in numbers phenomenon. Group members gain added strength because of knowing that they are not alone. They can discover increased courage and make changes by thinking of all the support they receive from the other group members. The group members being their peers.

Who should facilitate our groups? It's strongly recommended that our peer support groups are delivered and facilitated in conjunction with services that provide programs for families experiencing family separation. Peer group leaders and facilitators are the preferred facilitators of our groups as the participants are separated parents. Each group should have at least two or more local group facilitators to enable the group to continue to function due to the ill health or leave of one of the other group facilitators. To facilitate one of our peer support groups it's highly desirable and in fact it's a prerequisite that you are a peer, that you have been through a family separation experience that has involved children. You also must be trained by Parents Beyond Breakup by a recognised trainer using this training and our manuals and be accredited by our internal processes. All peer support group facilitators will be assessed against certain criteria at intervals to ensure that their skills meet the ongoing standards and to give feedback with regards to evaluation criteria and statistics that are obtained through intake and attendance forms. The group facilitators achieve the following criteria. They are personally experienced with family separation so they are a peer and they have experience in the past rather than recent experience. They demonstrate a high level of empathy towards the experiences that both men and women have post separation. They have regular involvement in existing Parents Beyond Breakup groups for at least three months or is part of an equivalent Parents Beyond Breakup training process for new areas. They demonstrate an understanding of the effects of separation on children and how to support children through separation. They have completed all the training required to their level. They've signed the volunteer agreement and agree to our values, mission and vision and the facilitation guidelines and they participate in the collection of the required statistical information. And finally, they attend at least 50% of the internal meetings and training forums each year.

Who should or shouldn't attend our peer support groups? Our peer support groups are primarily for separated and displaced parents who wish to attend a non-denominational self-help peer support group to help them share their experiences regarding family separation and how they cope with the grief, loss and change. It is imperative that those who attend are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol or display abusive behaviours. Some participants from time to time may need to be excluded from the group. Exclusion from the group is used as a sanction for serious breaches of group behaviour policy. It will be used in situations where the continuing participation of a particular group member could seriously harm the welfare or education or progress of others in the group or indeed themselves. The group will exclude any potential referral or will ask any current participant to leave the group if they experience any of the following issues. Any participant who is disruptive to the peer support group process or uses excessive inappropriate language. Any participant who is currently experiencing acute psychotic behaviour that is not being monitored by a health professional. Any participant at a peer support group who threatens harm towards the other parent, family member, their children or any other group member. And any participant who is convicted of child sexual assault cannot be part of our peer support groups. Group facilitators should talk with their manager before any decision or action is taken to exclude any participant. We acknowledge that this will have an impact on the entire group but we need to weigh up duty of care to the entire group including the facilitators.