Resources for Helping Your Teen

How to Support Your Child with Anxiety/Worry

"Parents, stop trying to solve your kids' problems. Their mental health depends on it."

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(opinion piece by licensed psychologist, Dr. Meghan Walls)

Like most parents, I want to alleviate our children’s suffering by doing whatever I can. We hate to see our children worry and struggle. With the best of intentions, we think we are being helpful by trying to solve our kids’ problems for them.

As a pediatric psychologist, I know that taking this path often leads to our kids feeling more worried the next time something difficult happens. In fact, by solving our children’s problems for them, we interfere with our children’s ability to develop the effective coping mechanisms needed to deal with these challenges.

For example, if you let your child stay home from school on a day they have a test or had an argument with a friend, their brain gets the message that avoidance is the safest option, and they will likely feel more anxious and less equipped when this comes up again.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s recent Youth Risk Behavior Survey report illuminated a youth mental health crisis. Against this background, Nemours KidsHealth commissioned the national What’s Worrying America’s Kids survey of more than 500 youth, ages 9-13. These kids were asked in January about their frequency and sources of worry as well as their coping mechanisms.

The study found that more than a third of children worry at least once a week, with their tendency to worry progressing with age. Older children are more likely than their younger counterparts to report feeling like they will never stop worrying, with 48% of 13-year-olds vs. 22% for 9-year-olds reporting that feeling.

Although these findings may seem disheartening, the research also found that among the younger children polled – ages 9 to 11 – more than 75% say they turn first to their parents for information or advice, but that number dwindles to an average of 51% for 12- and 13-year-olds.

This shows that as parents and caregivers, we have a clear window of time when our kids are all ears, turning to us first for information and advice. It is our responsibility to leverage this opportunity to teach our kids the tools and coping mechanisms they need to grow into healthy young adults.

How to teach kids to solve their own problems

Instead of solving problems for your kids, try the tips below:

• Know what worry looks like. Based on our survey, we know that kids feel worry through their thoughts but also through their bodies! Pay attention if your child has a stomachache or headache the same time daily; check in to see whether their emotions could be contributing to their physical feelings.

• Normalize worry. Let your kids know that it is normal to have worries and concerns. By normalizing worry, you can help your children feel more comfortable sitting with their worry and brainstorming ways to deal with it. Allow them to feel negative emotions without offering solutions.

• Validate feelings. Tell your kids you understand their worries and try to empathize with them. Do not brush off your kids’ worries by trying to push them aside. Show empathy and acceptance for how they feel, so kids feel comfortable continuing to share their thoughts and feelings. You can say something like, “It sounds like you’re really worried; I can understand why that test would make you feel that way. I’m here for you.”

• Ask kids what is on their minds. Encourage open dialogue and conversation. Ask open-ended questions and let kids share their thoughts. You can try something like, “What’s on your mind today?”

• Don’t be too quick to give advice. Ask questions to learn more about what your child is worried about. Don’t try to immediately offer advice, but instead instruct your child in the direction of what would make them feel better and talk through these ideas with your child. You can offer to brainstorm with them about solutions, especially with younger kids.

• Don’t always save the day. If your child forgets their lunch, or is worried about a sports tryout, don’t rescue them every time. It’s OK if they have to buy lunch that day or go to the tryout with butterflies! This helps kids by letting them experience very small difficulties and learn how to regulate around them.

As a parent, I know it feels hard not to immediately step in, but working with your children to develop these healthy coping skills will teach them how to deal with the regular worries and stresses of life and grow up to become healthy young adults. 

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Back to School: 5 Ways to Support Your Child

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Check-in. Whether you’re having a conversation at dinner or talking to them while driving in the car, ask about how they are feeling. Encourage open and honest conversation and remind them that it is okay to ask for help.

Talk about COVID-19. Your children may have questions about the pandemic. Encourage them to ask anything and help them feel heard. Honest answers and reassurance can help them feel calm about the situation.

Establish a routine. Your children might be going back to school in person full time, staying in a virtual setting, or trying a hybrid of the two. With any of these scenarios, there will be a new schedule. Help them establish a routine through weekly planning check-ins that take into account your morning and nighttime routine, homework, chores, and time to relax. Knowing what they can expect will alleviate some stress for young people.

Collaborate to find solutions. Sometimes, a young person who seems happy and relaxed at home acts differently outside the home. Ask your child’s teachers about how they are doing in the classroom and if additional support is needed. It is important to identify these challenges so you can offer support and facilitate appropriate help.

Model healthy habits. The way you behave during challenging times models the behaviors that you want to show and teach your child. If you cope with stress in a healthy way, your child will learn to do the same. Things like exercising regularly, eating healthy, and practicing relaxation techniques can help you take care of your mental health and set a positive example for your children. Check out this blog for more ways to practice self-care as a family.

As we transition into a new school year that may look a little bit different than last year, knowing how to recognize your children’s needs, talk to, and support them is vital. 

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1. Acknowledge & accept it. The distress we feel is a normal human response to a severe crisis. Acknowledging and accepting these feelings prevents distress from turning into disorder. Encourage family members, especially children, to discuss their feelings. 

2. Reach out; stay connected. Reaching out is not a sign of weakness. Your loved ones care and want to help. Find ways to support others.

3. Practice relaxation skills, get moving, exercise. A daily relaxation practice can help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce stress, and boost feelings of well-being. 

4. Get a daily dose of sunlight. Sunlight can help boost serotonin levels and improve your mood.

5. Eat a healthy diet. 

6. Find productive activities for the entire family.

1. Create a Quiet Space. To balance the busyness of our lives, dedicate some time and space for quiet. Find a spot where you and your children can pause for a few moments and develop a sense of familiarity with quiet. Notice how, when we allow our bodies to rest in quiet, our minds can settle and we may become aware of things around us and in us in a new and different way. 
2. Pay Attention with Purpose and Curiosity. With mindfulness, we bring our attention to whatever is happening in the present moment in the environment around us (like sounds or sights), and in our internal experience (like sensations and emotions). For example, take a walk outside and try to notice sounds of all types. Or, try a mindful eating exercise and slowly, explore a food item with all of the senses before eating it - as if seeing it for the first time, noticing the smells, colors, and textures. 
3. Pause and Notice the Breath. The breath is a resource that we may not always notice, but one that is always with us. Bringing attention to the sensations and moment of the breath in the body can be calming and quieting. With children, explore the breath by having them lie on their back and notice the movement of the chest or belly as the breath moves in and out of the body. Try using other moments in the day as opportunities to bring attention to the breath as well, for example, when stopped at a red light, before answering a phone call or text message, or while waiting in line. 
4. Offer Caring Wishes. In our daily lives, we naturally encounter pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral experiences. Whatever the circumstance, we can practice caring and compassion for ourselves and others by offering wishes such as, “May we be happy, may we be safe, may we be filled with love.” Caring wishes can be used when we experience discomfort, before taking a test, when an emergency vehicle passes with its sirens blaring, or simply to send kindness to another person, knowing that we all wish to be happy. When we share a caring wish with others, verbally or even silently to ourselves, it can help to calm emotions and strengthen our feelings of connection. 
5. Practice Gratitude. Asking ourselves what we are grateful for opens our eyes to the goodness around us and supports our overall sense of well-being. We can cultivate gratitude in simple ways. For example, we can take a few minutes to reflect on the good things that happened during the day, keep a list of people and things for which we are grateful and/or create a gratitude journal using words and pictures. By pausing and paying attention, we can appreciate things we might otherwise take for granted such as the warmth of the sun, clean water to drink, a neighbor’s smile, and even our breath.