Dealing with Grief

Tips for Dealing with Grief

10 Things to Try When the Grief Tide Rolls In

1. Remember to breathe. When we get tense we tend to hold our breath or have short, shallow breaths. First, notice that you are breathing and then try slowing it down, breathing more into your belly, and exhaling a little longer than you inhale.
2. Move your body. This doesn’t have to be a sport (but it can be) — take a walk, do a push up, dance, or just jump up and down.
3. Call or text a friend. Pick ones who know how to show up and listen — or will at least send you a cute animal video.
4. Write it out. Forget spelling and grammar, there are no grades in grief.
5. Get messy — draw, paint, collage. Sometimes grief doesn’t have words and art can be a great way to get out the feelings that don’t always make sense. It’s not art class, so don’t worry about making it look a certain way.
6. Make room for whatever feelings are coming up. If you try to push them away, they will probably just push back harder. Feelings change and they won’t last forever. Grief has no timeline, but it really does change over time.

7. Be kind — to yourself. You know that voice that sometimes gives you a really hard time? It might sound strange, but you can talk to that criticizing voice and ask it to tone it down. “Hey, I hear you, you’re worried I’m doing this wrong, but really, I’m not. I’m doing the best I can right now, but thanks for your input.”
8. Be a good friend — to yourself. Experiment with telling yourself you can do this, even if you don’t know what you’re doing! You might be feeling emotions you’ve never had before or doing things for the first time and all of it is happening without the person who died. Take a moment to acknowledge how new and different this is and tell yourself, “Even if I’m overwhelmed right now, I will figure this out.” And then...
9. Ask for help. We know, this one can be really hard and scary to do. Keep it simple and remember that people usually want to help, they are just waiting to be asked.
10. Take time to celebrate whatever is going well. When you’re grieving it can be hard to make space for feeling good. You might feel guilty if you find yourself laughing or having a good time. Taking a break from grief doesn’t mean you love or miss the person any less.

Dealing With Grief

The first, last, and middle thing to remember is that you are not alone.

Sometimes you can feel really lost, alone, and isolated in the tough feelings that often stun you when you learn someone has died. Despite feeling like no one else shares what you’re experiencing, other kids, and believe it or not, other adults often do. Realizing that you’re not alone is the first step in being able to reach out for help.

One of the ways to help yourself is to talk about how you feel.

It doesn’t have to be one of those heart-to-heart conversations that gets real emotional way too quickly. It can be as simple as saying to another kid, “Wow, I’m blown away by this. What’s going on with you?” Psychologists tell us that talking about feelings can be really helpful in making them a bit less intense. Sure, in a situation like this you’re going to need to keep talking for a while, but you've got to start somewhere. And the sooner you do, the sooner your healing will begin.

Reach out to the people who know you.

Maybe they knew your friend, too, so they will really understand some of what you’re feeling without you even having to say a word. But even if they didn’t know your friend, they know you. They know how to listen and support you. Because what you’re looking for now is not someone to tell you anything to make this better. The truth is, that would be impossible. Nothing can make it better right now. What you’re looking for is someone who simply understands what this death means to you. That’s a whole lot easier to come by.

Let’s say that maybe you were mean to the kid who died.

Maybe you teased them or bullied them or ignored them. You can’t take back what you did, but you can learn from it. It’s a pretty intense lesson but it’s incredibly important. You never want to do anything to another person that you’ll regret. Period. End of sentence.

You may hear other people saying mean things about your friend.

These kinds of responses might get you really mad. It may help to remember that a lot of people are so uncomfortable when someone dies that they say stupid, untrue, and unkind things. People can be pretty ignorant about things they don’t understand. Getting angry when you hear something like this is a natural reaction, but it isn’t necessarily a helpful one. Staying calm and reasonable is a better way to try to get people to listen to the truth.

You may want to do something to remember your friend, something to show that you cared about them and that they were important in your life.

And you can probably come up with lots of cool ideas. The tricky thing with this is that there are going to be some kids in your school, maybe even kids who didn’t know your friend very well, who may be pretty misguided by this kind of stuff. They’ll see these memorials and think, “Hey, if I die, then at least the school will pay attention to me, remember me in a cool way.” It may sound crazy but it is absolutely true and contributes to something called suicide contagion. So this is another time when you want to turn to one of those trusted adults in the school and run your ideas for remembering your friend by them. There are safe things to do that don’t feed into the contagion thing.

Last thing to know- it does get better.

Getting back close to normal takes as long as it takes. It’s different for everybody, but it does happen. It never goes away, though, the memory of what happened. But it can change your life for the better. You can use your experience to become more sensitive and compassionate to the people around you. You can learn about the resources that are available to help yourself and others. You can learn where to go if you need help or where to send a friend.

When Grieving Think: Body, Brain, Heart

Body:

What can you do to move your body each day, even if you’re staying at home? Stretching, jumping jacks, chair dancing, and push-up challenges are some options. Remember to drink water, eat nourishing food, and get enough sleep.

Brain:

Consider limiting media consumption and implementing practices to support your nervous system such as taking a few deep breaths, meditation, and this simple exercise to get grounded in your senses.

Heart:

Make room for whatever emotions and thoughts come up for you. Whatever each of you are feeling or thinking, consider responding with something like: “It’s okay that you’re feeling this way/thinking those thoughts. I’m so glad you shared them with me. What do you think would be most helpful in this moment?” Take time to attend to your own emotional state, so you are aware of what you bring to interactions with your family. Cultivate compassion and remind yourself, “I’m doing the best I can in this moment.”

The Five Stages of Grief

Learning about emotions after loss can help us heal

When we lose a loved one, the pain we experience can feel unbearable. Understandably, grief is complicated and we sometimes wonder if the pain will ever end. We go through a variety of emotional experiences such as anger, confusion, and sadness.
A theory developed by psychologist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross suggests that we go through five distinct stages of grief after the loss of a loved one: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance.
Click the image below to watch a short video that explains these stages in more detail:

Types of Grief
As we consider the five stages of grief, it is important to note that people grieve differently and you may or may not go through each of these stages, or experience each of them in order. The lines of these stages are often blurred - we may move from one stage to the other and possibly back again before fully moving into a new stage.
In addition, there is no specific time period suggested for any of these stages. Someone may experience the stages fairly quickly, such as in a matter of weeks, where another person may take months or even years to move through to a place of acceptance. Whatever time it takes for you to move through these stages is perfectly normal.
Your pain is unique to you, your relationship to the person you lost is unique, and the emotional processing can feel different to each person. It is acceptable for you to take the time you need and remove any expectation of how you should be performing as you process your grief.
If you or a loved one are struggling with depression, reach out and contact the appropriate resources for help. Mental Health Resources

Guidance for Grieving Mindfully

(Source: Bryan, CEO of Mindful Communications, Mindful Website)

1. Accept your feelings. Allow yourself to feel what you feel at any given moment, with a sense of self-compassion and without judgment. Jennifer Wolkin offers 5 ways to mindfully process grief.

3. Reflect that having regrets is common, thoughts of unfinished business, struggles unresolved. “These are illusory, clingy thoughts,” writes Barry Boyce. “As they emerge, you can see them, and let them go. And do that each time they come back to visit.”

4. Move toward what hurts. When confronted by such harsh realities in life, or even some small discomfort or inconvenience, our instinctive reaction is to run in the opposite direction. But we can’t escape suffering. It’ll just take us by surprise and whack us in the back of the head. As Frank Ostaseski writes, the wiser response is to move toward what hurts, gently and mercifully.

Other Grief & Loss Resources

Journaling Prompts for Dealing with Grief & Loss

1. If you could change anything about what happened/ing what would you change?

2. How have you changed as a result of what occurred?

3. How could you support someone else that may be experiencing something similar?

4. Loss can be confusing, complicated, unpredictable but what I've learned is.....

5. We all "grieve" or experience loss on our own terms, what has been helpful for you as you move through your grief/loss?

6. It can also be challenging to give ourselves permission to...

express our loss, why do you think that is?
take the time to move through our grief, what's been your experience?

7. If you were a younger child (8-10 yrs. old) experiencing loss what kind of support would you want from others? What kind of support would you like from others as a teenager?

8. As a result of my experience I've learned that I .......

9. As a result of my experience/loss I've grown b/c......

10. As a result of my experience I want to......

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