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‘A happy family is but an early heaven.'
George Bernard Shaw
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HOLLY
While touring can be an exhilarating and fulfilling experience, it also comes with its own set of challenges, particularly when it comes to nurturing your family life from afar.
One of the biggest hurdles you'll likely face is maintaining a sense of connection and closeness with your loved ones while you're on the road. Being away from home for extended periods can strain even the strongest of relationships, but with mindfulness and effort, you can navigate these challenges with care and compassion.
First and foremost, communication is key. Make it a priority to stay in touch with your family regularly, whether through phone calls, video chats, or handwritten letters. Share your experiences, both the highs and the lows, and make an effort to truly listen to what's happening in their lives as well. Keeping the lines of communication open can help bridge the physical distance between you and strengthen your bond as a family.
It's also important to be proactive about scheduling quality time together, even when you're miles apart. Plan virtual movie nights, game sessions, or shared meals where you can all come together and create cherished memories despite the distance. And whenever possible, try to include your family in your tour experiences—share photos and videos of your performances, and involve them in the excitement of your journey.
However, despite your best efforts, conflicts may arise. The demands of touring, combined with the challenges of managing family responsibilities from afar, can sometimes lead to tension and misunderstandings. In these moments, it's crucial to approach conflicts with empathy and understanding, recognizing that both you and your loved ones are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. Practice active listening, express your feelings openly and honestly, and work together to find solutions that prioritise the well-being of your family unit.
Lastly, don't forget to take care of yourself amidst the whirlwind of touring life. Nurture your own mental and emotional well-being through self-care practices like meditation, exercise, and creative outlets. By prioritizing your own needs, you'll be better equipped to show up fully present and engaged for your family, both on the road and when you return home.
In the end, navigating family life on tour requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt to the unique challenges that arise. But with love, communication, and mutual support, you can create a strong and resilient family bond that transcends physical distance and withstands the test of time.
Holly
I recently ran a project with the military in which we explored ways of supporting military families and understanding the issues that can arise with personnel working away from their families. This experience shed light on parallels within the acting community, where individuals often find themselves working away from home for extended periods, navigating unsocial hours, and then readjusting to family life upon return.
However, unlike the military, actors typically lack a regular supportive community that shares their experiences and understands the unique challenges faced by families. Recognizing this disparity, I've compiled some insights and resources aimed at sparking discussions and generating ideas to support both touring actors and their families.
Both partners, before the tour...
Look at tour schedules and home life/schedules and try to identify opportunities' or routines that can be put in place to create contact time or arrange visits. If you have children, keep them informed of these too, so that you can manage their expectations.
Identify any potential logistical issues that the partner staying at home may face, for example: having to get children to various places (school, clubs, parties) or organising child care, medical appointments around work commitments etc. See if it's possible to implement a plan for as many of these issues before the tour starts - so that partners aren't left juggling all of the organisation, as well as children, work and home.
Make sure the company knows you have a family. They may be able to help support you. Context is everything.
If you have children, let the school know that a parent is away. A parent being away (even for a short time) can be unsettling and this can affect children in different ways. Letting the school and your child's teacher know means that they have greater context for both yourself and your child, and they can adjust their expectations of you as a family, be aware of any potential changes to your child's behaviour, and be able to support them. It's also helpful for your child to know that their teacher understands and can be someone to chat to.
Honest discussions with others. When a partner is away on tour it can sound exciting and possibly glamourous to others. This often means that they may not stop to consider the actual impact on your family. Be honest with family/friends/support systems and let them know how touring can impact the dynamics and logistics of your family. It means they can be more aware of what you are experiencing, which in itself can feel validating, and they may be able to help.
For the partner at home...
Try to ensure you have support systems in place - this may be friends, family, other parents etc. This can be hard. When my children were younger my partner worked as a director and would often be away for long periods of time. We had recently moved, so I didn't have family or friends close by. It became really important for me to try and build a support system of friends and a community of other parents. It wasn't easy, but I started to find those people who I could call on for help and vice versa. When one partner tours, the other partner essentially becomes a single parent, so having support becomes vital.
Support systems can also be found in schools (schools clubs, after-school clubs, parents, parent groups or local family hubs. Ensure you have contact with friends that you have made through your own interests or hobbies. It can be quite easy to lose sight of this or feel like you do not have time, when bogged down with looking after children and working. You may not be able to go out of a evening to a yoga class etc but you still might be able to keep in touch with these groups or friends.
Communication
Our communication style is closely tied to how we seek security in the world. You and your partner have developed your communication styles based on your upbringing and individual life experiences. From this understanding, you can learn to share, build upon, and adapt your styles, thereby supporting each other through heightened awareness. Often, we receive little formal education about communication, leaving us unaware of why we've adopted certain styles. This lack of awareness can lead to frustration, both within ourselves and with our partners, especially in situations where one partner is absent.
Below is a fabulous TED Talk that explores the concept of attachment styles, relationships and communication.
Re-integrating
Re-union is always beautiful. Re-intergration can be a different story.
Be patient - feeling out of sync is normal. Remember, it's an adjustment for everyone. If you have children, especially younger ones, be prepared that they may have emotional outbursts or seem more withdrawn. Children lack the cognitive ability to process emotions fully and may struggle to articulate how they feel. This could manifest days or even weeks after the partner has returned.
It's important to plan activities together and involve children in the decision-making process. Establishing routines and clearly communicating expectations is crucial. As a family, discuss any necessary changes to routines, considering any new circumstances that may have arisen during a partner's absence. Look at what needs to stay and what can now go back to normal.
Expectation Vs Reality is a common source of conflict. For instance, the partner returning home may anticipate a warm welcome, only to find everyone exhausted and overwhelmed. Similarly, the partner at home may hope for hands on help without realizing the touring partner's own exhaustion. Open and honest communication about expectations is essential.
Respect each other's experiences. Partners at home should understand the challenges faced by the touring partner, including adjusting to different schedules and the emotional toll of being away. Likewise, the touring partner should appreciate the sacrifices made and the effort required to maintain the family's well-being. Transitioning from independence to collaboration can be challenging, but acknowledging each other's experiences can foster understanding and harmony within the family.
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