Q: What exactly is a Saiga?

A: The Saiga is an endangered antelope with a nose that looks like a balloon animal. It’s native to Central Asia, which means it’s definitely more used to wide open spaces than the aisle of a Costco. It’s a very rare animal, which is why we decided to house it in a place that also sells 72-packs of toilet paper.

Q: Can I pet the Saiga?

A: Well, technically, yes, but the Saiga is known for its unpredictable behavior. It might sniff you, or it might run in the opposite direction, making a break for the food court. Petting the Saiga is more of an emotional experience than a tactile one.

Q: Will the Saiga eat my Costco pizza?

A: No. The Saiga has very specific dietary needs, and Costco pizza doesn’t make the cut (unless it’s an accidental snack while it’s in escape mode). Also, please don’t try to feed it pizza. We’ve learned that lesson the hard way.

Q: How much space does the Saiga need?

A: Well, ideally, it would have miles of open grassland. But here at “Saiga’s Costco Safari,” it’s more of a... creative experience. It’s essentially living its life in a glorified shopping cart pen next to the tire display. So, yeah, space is... limited.

Q: Does the Saiga enjoy the smell of rotisserie chicken?

A: Honestly, no one knows. The Saiga is a creature of mystery. It does seem somewhat perplexed by the smells of the Costco food court, but it’s really not interested in anything edible that isn’t, you know, wild grasses or shrubs. Rotisserie chicken, though? It just walks away from it like a true connoisseur.

Q: Can I take the Saiga home as a pet?

A: Absolutely not. The Saiga is not a house pet. It’s a wild animal with specific needs, and it definitely doesn’t belong in your apartment next to your hamster. Plus, we’ve tried explaining to the Saiga that it's not technically allowed to be a pet, and it’s just... not having it.

Q: What should I do if the Saiga tries to escape?

A: First of all, don’t panic. Saiga escapes happen frequently, and we’ve put a plan in place. Just keep calm, follow the "Capture the Saiga" team (a.k.a. any Costco employee with a walkie-talkie), and wait for the animal to make its way back to the tire section. You’ll get a free 2-liter of soda for your troubles.

Q: Is the Saiga dangerous?

A: Only if you try to challenge it in a race down the aisle. It’s fast when it wants to be, but it’s also pretty chill. Just don’t try to grab its nose or make loud noises, and you’ll be fine. And, of course, never get between the Saiga and the exit door.

Q: Why is there a "no touching the tires" rule in the Saiga pen?

A: We had to set boundaries. The Saiga has a strange obsession with the Costco tires and, frankly, we can’t risk it becoming emotionally attached to the tire section. It’s a safety precaution. Plus, the tires really just need their space, too.

Q: Can I get a refund if the Saiga doesn’t appear?

A: No. The Saiga has an extremely busy schedule, which may include napping, pacing, or hiding behind pallets of bulk ketchup. If you show up and the Saiga is nowhere to be found, you’ll be offered a complimentary 10-minute chat with a very confused employee who might tell you about “the time the Saiga almost escaped in the freezer aisle.”

Q: Does the Saiga like music?

A: Maybe? We once played a jazz version of “Staying Alive” on the overhead speakers, and the Saiga seemed mildly interested for 3.2 seconds, then proceeded to hide behind the bulk pancake syrup. So, yeah, music might mildly intrigue it—but it’s no concertgoer.

Q: Will the Saiga let me ride it?

A: Absolutely not. The Saiga is not a rideable animal, and it has strong opinions about that. It’s a graceful antelope, not a Costco mascot. Also, trying to ride it would almost certainly lead to a chaotic mess involving shopping carts, stray rotisserie chickens, and a possibly very upset animal.

Q: Can I bring my pet hamster to meet the Saiga?

A: Please don’t. Saigas and hamsters are not friends, and frankly, we don’t think it’s a great idea to bring your hamster into an environment where the Saiga may or may not be plotting its next escape. Hamsters are also not allowed to interact with the Saiga, especially if they’re wearing tiny hats.

Q: What happens if the Saiga does escape?

A: If the Saiga escapes, we activate “Plan Saiga Retrieval.” This involves Costco employees, local wildlife experts, and a volunteer group of shoppers. The Saiga has been known to hide under parked RVs, behind bulk jars of peanut butter, or sometimes in the aisle with the giant plush bears. Don’t try to chase it yourself—just let the professionals handle it. You'll probably get a discount on your next visit.

Hope that clears things up for your future visitors!